Unhappily Ever After: 1995-96 Season

Season Overview

The second season finds Jack moving back in with Jennie, for the sake of the children, although he is forced to live in the basement until he romances her back. (In my opinion, this is the start of the gradual shift in focus from Jack to Tiffany.) The children start to me more significant to the stories than Jack and Jennie. Mr. Floppy's obsession with Drew Barrymore begins during this season.


1. "Jack Moves Back"
Jack and Jennie are about to sign the divorce papers, but decide to get back together for the sake of the children.
2. "Zit Could Happen to You"
Tiffany has to get a personality to attract a guy. Ryan and Jennie are both involved in cyber-sex.
3. "The Rat"
Jack tries to get romantic with Jennie and has the kids catch a rat in the basement.
4. "Rocky IV"
Jennie gets Jack into a fight with the neighbor's spouse.
5. "Rock Star"
Jennie has a chance to sleep with a has-been rock star, while Jack stalks Cindy Crawford.
6. "Driving Me Crazy"
Disaster ensues as Jack teaches Ryan and Tiffany to drive.
7. "A Touch of Glass"
Jennie becomes obsessed with her new glass kitchen table.
8. "A Line in the Sand"
Tiffany makes an enemy at school. Jack and Jennie fight over travel plans.
9. "Making the Grade"
Ryan must bring his grades up to use the car.
10. "Honey, I Screwed Up the Kids for Life"
Jack is conflicted when Tiffany wants to have a boy in her room.
11. "The Whiz Kid"
Ryan gets a very important position on the Varsity team.
12. "Hot Wheels"
The car gets stolen when Tiffany and Ryan borrow the car.
13. "Picnic of Pain and Peril"
Jennie tries to make her life imitate a French art film.
14. "Meter Maid"
Jack gets in trouble when Jennie punches a meter-maid.
15. "In the Stars"
Jennie convinces her family to be guided by their horoscopes.
16. "Mr. No"
Tiffany becomes obsessed with the one guy at school who isn't interested in her.
17. "The Agony of Victory"
Ryan fights for supremecy over Jack in basketball.
18. "All About Jennie"
Jennie thinks she has a chance at stardom when Tiffany gets a starring role in the school play.
19. "Jack Writes Good"
Mr. Floppy writes a book and Jack gets the credit.
20. "Girls Who Wear Glasses"
Tiffany gets promoted to an advanced all-girls class.
21. "Leaving Van Nuys"
School's out for summer, and the kids are driving Jack and Jennie to drink (more than usual).
22. "Getting More Than Some"
Ryan becomes engaged, but get's more than he bargained for.


1. "Jack Moves Back"

Jack is going to Jennie's in order to sign the divorce papers. Mr. Floppy is excited about the finalization, and wants Jack and him to come out, get married, and move to France, where Mr. Floppy can become a star. Jack immediately signs the papers, but Jennie is worried that the divorce may adversely affect the kids. Jack is concerned, as the kids were messed up before they broke up, except for Ross, who is the normal one. When Ross walks in the door immitating Woody Harrelson in Natural Born Killers (it turns out the Ryan shaved his head while he was sleeping, and he was just trying to make it work), Jack agrees to get back together for the sake of the kids, and because they can't get anyone better.

Jack is to move in that night, and while packing tells Mr. Floppy they are going to Paris. He takes him to the basement at home and pretends they are in Paris. Mr. Floppy doesn't buy it, and chews Jack out. Jack plans to leave him in the basement, and says he will visit. The kids are thrilled that Jack is back because they won't have to go to his lice ridden apartment any more, and his credit cards will be closer. Before Jack can sleep in the bedroom (and with Jennie) again, he has to court her, and talk about his feelings. Jack opts to live in the basement with Mr. Floppy for the time being.

2. "Zit Could Happen to You"

Amber and Barry have the hots for Dean Valentine, a studly but stupid classmate. When Tiffany tries to bring him to their table by looking sexy, he walks right by. Analysis of the situation reveals that she has a zit. It is the happiest day of Ryan's school career. Jennifer tries to make her feel better by telling her to focus on the postive, but she is secretly amused. Tiffany weighs herself because it always makes her happy and discovers that she gained ten pounds. She proclaims herself to be a pimply fat girl, and that she is now forced to develop a personality. Meanwhile, Ross is still doing the Natural Born Killers thing. Ryan tells Jack that he set the scale ten pounds heavy, and he and Jack laugh at the women, because Jennie also things she gained weight. Jennie begins to jog around the house all the time. Tiffany discusses personalities with Maureen, who suggests the wacky heiress and the hooker with a heart of gold. Tiffany decides to try the intellectual tortured poetess dressed in black. At lunch the next day, Amber says that she hides her lack of personality with the proper accessories. After failing to have a non-shallow conversation with Amber and Barry, Tiffany does to sit at the looser table.

Mr. Floppy tells Jack that Cher held back Sonny, and that Sonny's "wasting his life in Congress while he could be in Vegas." Jack tells Mr. Floppy to stop messing with Cher-- she was getting tattoos when Drew Barrymore was still in diapers. When Mr. Floppy sees Jack lie to Jennifer, he wonders what Jack lies to him about. Jack doesn't know what to do: he is upset that Tiffany thinks she is fat, but glad that Ryan finally has done something right with this joke and doesn't want to take that away from him just for the sake of Tiffany's health.

Tiffany's exhausted from having a personality (it's more tiring than being skinny). Ryan is giddy knowing that the dumbest guy can hurt the smartest woman just by calling her fat. Jack makes Ryan fix the scale, telling him that lately he's been having entirely too much fun, which is poor preperaton for real life. He tells Jennie and Tiffany that men are stupid because they only like beautiful girls, that if they are stupid enough to care what men like, than they deserve what they get. The women weigh themselves again and are excited that they lost the 10 pounds. Tiffany's zit went away.

On the Internet, Jennifer is "Vicky Vixen", a nobel prize winning super-model. Ryan has this chick "Vicky Vixen" hot for him on the Internet. At the end, Tiffany calls Jennie "Vicky Vixen" and the guys look at eachother in puzzlement.

3. "The Rat"

Jennie won't watch sports on TV, won't let Jack eat in bed, won't let him have sex with her, and wants to talk about why they need to talk. Jack goes to the basement and says he'll only come back on his terms. Mr. Floppy is mad at Jack because he gives "her" his passion, but only comes to the basement to be with him to eat his greasy chips and talk about his emotions. Mr. Floppy wants him to say "it." Jack tells him that he loves him, but Mr. Floppy cringes and says he wanted to hear "I'm sorry for not spending enough time with you." Mr. Floppy says sees a monster in the basement, so Jack sings him a lullaby to calm him down:

Hush little bunny, don't say a word,
Daddy's gonna buy you a cookoo bird.
And if tomorrow you still exist,
Daddy's gonna see a psychiatrist.
And if that shrink can't get the job done,
Daddy's gonna end up in a tower with a gun.

Floppy sees the monster again. It's a giant rat (you can see from the it's shadow that it is really big and snarly). Mr. Floppy and Jack run into the living room. He tells Ross that he's not a coward-- "If I was really a coward, would I have gone back for my bunny!" Jack sends the kids down to kill the rat, while he Jennie go to the pancake house. The kids kidnap the Goldstein's cat Precious, and send him into the basement. After a big ruckus they drag out the cat's bones.

Jack tries to teach the kids strategy. Jack left Mr. Floppy at the pancake house. Ryan and Tiffany go into the basement with baseball bat's using Ross and the "amazing coat of many cheeses" as bait. Jenny talks to Maureen about getting a man to talk. Ross emerges with a mouse-trap on his nose. Jack tells Jennie that he's afraid of the rat, and wants to sleep in her bed. She won't let him unless we wants talk. Jack suffers through her drivel about estrogen, yeast, water retension, menstral cycles, and lemon mirange pie, but when she turns on Yentle he leaves for the basement. The rat is now so fat that his feet don't touch the floor. The kids send car exhaust into the basement to kill the rat while Jack is down there.

4. "Rocky IV"

Jennie is upset because her neighbor Mrs. Susan Jackson made her clean up Jasper's doody off of her Lawn, so Jack tells her to talk to Susan and work it out. Meanwhile, Mr. Floppy wants Jack to get a beeper, and to bring him home a surprise from work every so often. Susan brings a list of issues to discuss when she meets with Jeannie: they steal avacados from her tree, and their sprinklers are wetting the lawn furniture and getting spots on her Vic's powder blue '64 1/2 Mustang convertable. The discussion breaks down, and Jennie and Susan arrange for Jack and Vic to fight it out on Thursday night. Jack doesn't mind too much, as life has been punching him for a long time, so he'll take a chance to punch someone else. Ryan reports that Vic is pretty big has a lot of Harley jackets and leather. When Jack is unable to block Ryan's punches, he becomes distraught, and Mr. Floppy suggests several strategies all involvign kicking Vic in the groin.

Thursday comes and Vic turns about to be Vicky. Jack is surprised, starts talking with Vic, and finds out they have a lot in common. Both are still ready to bust some heads, so they go to a bar to get in a fight. Susan comes over looking for Vic, and Jennie and her find they have lot in common, and run to Jennie's room to try on clothes.

5. "Rock Star"

While cleaning the attic, Jennifer finds her old Ray Paul Jones collectables. She had a crush on him when she was a teenager. She's always dreamed of being his groupy, and even threw panties with her phone number at him. Ryan and Tiffany tell her that he is playing at the Bowl-A-Rama. She plans to attend as she hasn't missed a concert of his in LA in twenty years.

Later, Ray Paul calls, and asks Jennie to be his date after the concert. Jenny asks Jack who he fantasizes about, and goes to the basement to discuss it with Mr. Floppy. They discard several options, including playmates because they are too interchangable. Mr. Floppy suggests Drew Barrymore. When Jack says he doesn't like tattoos, Floppy gives a monologue directed towards her. Floppy and Jack conclude that it must be someone famous, beautiful and untouched, settling on Cindy Crawford (Richard Gere, hahahahaha). Jennie gives Jack permission to sleep with Cindy, adding that she should have celebrity fantasy too, and says he can have Cindy if she can have Ray Paul Jones. Jack doesn't care-- "It's just a fantasy right."

Ryan sells Jennie's memoriabilia for an electric guitar. Jack asks the kids to teach him about Cindy. Tiffany gives him a stack of magazines, but says that Cindy is 29, and is on her way out. Jacks ground her. Jack plans to comb the beach in Malibu so that he can look like a producer to get Cindy. Jenny goes to meet Ray Paul at his hotel room, but walks out on him because it isn't like she hoped it would be. Jack is arrested for stalking Cindy Crawford, after being beat-up by the Malibu stars (Tom Hanks hits him in the head with an oscar.)

6. "Driving Me Crazy"

Tiffany gets her learner's permit, and Ryan and her want Jack to teach them how to drive. Jennie doesn't want them to drive, but Jack sees it as a right of passage, and freedom for himself. Mr. Floppy wants Jack to have pictures of him at work. Jack says he doesn't because he is afraid Jennie might come to the office and want to know why her picture isn't there, and not because he is afraid of having a picture of a stuffed bunny on his desk. Jack takes a bunch of model-like pictures of Floppy, and then takes pictures with Floppy. The kids see him doing this.

Jenny is upset that he will teach the kids to drive, but he says he drives with asian senior citizens at the used car lot, so nothing scares him. Tiffany speeds, runs stop-signs and races trains. Ryan hits a cat and flashes back to when he is two and hit a cat with his tricycle. Jack comes home and gets wasted. Mr. Floppy ponders his existence if Jack dies.

Over the next few days, Jack is permenantly drunk because of driving with Tiffany and Ryan. Ryan says that Dave is the one who hit the cat, and that Dave is bad. The kids get Maureen to drive with them. Jack takes Jennie for a walk (it's been a long time since her face has been that blurry). Ryan covers Tiffany's eyes while she is driving and she runs down Jack and Jennifer.

7. "A Touch of Glass"

It's Ross' 9th birthday and Jennie gets eveyone up at 6am. Tiffany was having the best dream: she was in a bathtub full of money, then she was in a dark tunel filled with money, then a thundering train filled ith money, then a snake popped out of a tree and gave her money. Jennie gives Ross a stupid crayon heart just like he gives her every year. Jack gives Ross a lesson: "Life is a big zero." Then he gives him a crappy crayon card. Jennie buys herself a glass kitchen table; she waited until Ross was nine because of the sharp edges.

Floppy wants an acting job. He has visions of Drew Barrymore and a bottle of boscoe. Floppy wants to turn the old kitchen table into a coffee table in order to turn the basment into a home.

Jennie does't want anything to happen to the table, which she has named Sheila. Everyone gets kicked out of the house for dirtying the table. Maureen thinks that she has x-ray vision because she can see through the table. Jack and the kids got to Pony Burger for dinner, where Mr. Floppy haunts Jack at the drive through. Jack and the kids get together to smash the table, but trick Ryan in to doing it.

8. "A Line in the Sand"

Jack and Jennie have earned 40,000 frequent flier miles. Jenny wants to go to Hawaii, and Jack wants to go to Vegas. Jennie says she has the full vote because she earned the miles by using the credit card. Jack agrees to Hawaii because Jennifer will make him explain the rules to her if they go to Las Vegas.

Ryan is in love with Patty Le Gurst, the cheapest stupiest girl in whole school. Patty hates Tiffany, and threatens her, then bumps into Ryan (which is the most he's gotten in 3 years of High school). Patty converted 3 of Barry's boyfriends. Tiffany and her entourage have a starring match with Patty and her entourage during lunch. Patty shoots a spitball at Tif. After following Ryan's advice that she stand up for herself, she taunts Patty, then they make a appointment to fight Friday at 3.

Jack tells Mr. Floppy that he has vacation tickets. Floppy gets excited about going to Vegas, and has a dream sequence about showgirls. When Jack tells him they are going to Hawaii, Floppy has another dream sequence and monologue demonstrating that he is still in love with Drew Barrymore. Jack tells Mr. Floppy that he isn't going, but that since he is his alter-ego, he can't really go anywhere with out him, but that he can go without taking his bunny body.

Tiffany's been hiding from Patty for 3 days. Ryan says fight her, or enter the protection of the lesbians ("They'll protect you too, they've been asking about you.") She asks Jennifer for advice, and Jennie suggests hitting Patty with a roll of nickles. Jack accuses Mr. Floppy of hiding the tickets. But Tiffany took them and went to Hawaii with Patty.

9. "Making the Grade"

Ryan's report card comes, and he gets a DFDFDD. Jack and Jennie can't figure out how a used car salesman and a housewife can have an ordianry child. Jennie thinks it is a self-esteem problem, but Jack just thinks he's stupid. Ross does Ryan's homework, and is pissed that "they" are doing so poorly. Jack tells Jennie that Ross is a kid they can be proud of. Ross is pressuring Ryan hard, and Ryan is afraid that he might ground him. Jack doesn't want to punish Ryan, he says that society will do that for him. Jennie decides that she won't give Ryan the car keys until he gets a B.

Jack and Mr. Floppy try to figure out how Ryan can be so stupid. Jack says that Tiffany is his, and she is smart. Floppy hints that Jack isn't her father and that he should get a blood test. Tiffany calls the mailman, who has been dilivering their mail since just before Jennie got pregnant with Tiffany, Pops. He calls her the daughter he never had, and calls Jennie beautiful. Jack punches him, before he finds out that the mailman is gay.

Tiffany tells Ryan that he must be able to get a B since Amber slept with the math teacher to get a B, and that even Stony got a B. Ryan's Civics teacher said he can get a B if he gets a B on his report on the person he admires most. One month later Ryan gives his report, which is on the mailman, who hasn't been giving them any mail in a month. He gets a B by causing Miss Taylor to become depressed over how little money she makes. In the end the car was repossessed, so Ryan is upset that he learned something for nothing.

10. "Honey, I Screwed Up the Kids for Life"

Tiffany, Amber, and Barry are infatuated with Mike (who does "that thing" with his hair, and only goes out with college girls and bored housewives). He asks Tiffany out for that evening. Jenny wants Jack to be romantic, and they plan to have a "special beautiful romantic evening." That afternoon when Jack bothers Tiffany and Mike in the living room, she wants to go to her room with Mike. Jack and Jennie say no, and kick Mike out. Tiffany becomes upset because they don't trust her, and calls Jack her "ex-daddy." Jack is upset that Tiff doesn't love her.

Mr. Floppy thinks that Jack is bored with him, and says he would like to be a stuffed animal in a Playmate spread.

Jack and Jenny get together, but the kids keep walking in on them kissing. Tiffany gets Jack to say that he trusts her and that he never said she couldn't have boy in her room. Tiffany says that Mike will be over later. Ryan has Jack to forbid him to have a girl in his room so that it won't be his fault that he dosn't have girls in his room. In order to make sure that Tiffany controls herself, she shows her the "culmination of love:" a video of the birth of Ryan.

Later, when Mike knocks on the door, Tiffany is curled fetal on the couch chanting "Boy bad, no touch. Ryan's head, no touch." While Jennie waits for Jack in the bedroom, Jack in the basement chanting "Girl bad, no touch. Ryan's head, eeehh."

11. "The Whiz Kid"

Amber and Barry swoon over Beauregard Scott at lunch. They are surprised that he wants to talk to Ryan, not Tiffany, when he comes to their table at lunch. It turns out that Ryan took his football urine test for him, and that Beauregard is going to have some football team members say hi to him in public. The coach wants Ryan to pee for the entire team, and give him a letter jacket, which causes all the girls to instantly go after him, including Amber and Barry.

Tiffany has the highest SAT scores in school, but at home is overshadowed by Ryan being on the football team. Ross is forced to go to her debate while everyone else goes to a football game. Jack and Jennie are very excited by Ryan being on the team, and they say he's their favorite kid. An Ivy League recruiter comes for Ryan, who is now called "The Whiz Kid." Apparently the Fighting Irish are also courting him, but Ryan says he doesn't want to leave the country. Meanwhile, Tiffany is desperate for attension. She's a national merit scholar, but no one cares, while the whole school cheers for Ryan at games.

While searching Ryan's room, Jennie finds bottles of urine under his desk. Jack says so he's saving his urine, that's no big deal. Jennie tells him that he is naming it: Jim, Bob, Emil. Ryan now walks around wearing a hat with 6 water bottles on it, and Amber follows him around. Jack tells him to stop hoarding his waste. Ryan replies, not to worry, that he is bringing it to school tomorrow. Jack says as long as he still likes girls everything is fine.

Tiffany tells Ryan that he should be in the game for just one play, so that he has some memories of football; "Remember that jacket of yours has a football on it, not a little plastic cup." Ryan tells the coach that if doesn't get a play, then he's quitting. "You can't go out there, this is high school football, half those kids are hopped up on steroids." Beauregard Scott tells the coach to "let him play, he's more than just a pair of kidneys." The other team mauls him, and now that he has bloody urine no one wants him anymore. He is replace by the skinny math geek. Ryan comes back for baseball season. At his one at-bat, they pitcher throws a ball into his kidney.

12. "Hot Wheels"

Ryan and Tiffany are going to a college party (Ryan was invited so that he would bring Tiffany). They plan to take the car, but Jack won't let them use it because they change the radio pre-sets. Mr. Floppy gives Jack the Alinas Morrisette Christmas album ("Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, he left me at christmas, he tore my heart out, it's not fair, no man deserves to live, wait 'til my next boyfriend, I'll crush him, on a one horse open sleigh.")

When Ryan and Tiffany take the car anyway, Jack takes the car back from the party and parks it around the corner. The next morning Jack and Jennie pretend that the car was stolen in order to punish the kids. Jack discovers the car was really stolen during the night. The laughing Hyena insurance company representative comes to settle claim. Ryan has a day dream about Hell where Gary Coleman is the devil, and tells Ryan about the good old days of Diff'rent Strokes. Ryan confesses to taking the car, causing the insurance agents to initiate a fraud investigation. They grould Ryan for two weeks with no TV except for Diff'rent Strokes, Jack says "It's a nice show."

13. "Picnic of Pain and Peril"

Jennifer forces Jack to see Le Pique-Nique avec la Famile with her. Jack hated it so much that he cried. Jenny wants to have a family picnic just like in the movie, and wants to take a family picture in front of the sunset afterwards in order for the family to bond. Jack doesn't want to go, but Jennie says either he goes or she wants another kid. Maureen is upset that she isn't invited on the picnic, but when she is finally invited she doesn't want to go.

Jack wants Mr. Floppy to come to the picnic so that he cna have someone to talk to. Floppy wants him to stay home with him and watch Melrose Place. Floppy rants that women like Glenn Close and Meryl Streep have ruined the men in this country, and how coffee houses are replacing bars. Then they discuss the lack of beatuful women in the America, except for Sharon "peek-a-boo" Stone. Maureen is pleased that Jennie got Jack to go on the pic-nic with her. Both are happy that there aren't any real men anymore.

On the picnic, Jenny falls in a gopher hole and hurts her neck, then tries to feed nuts to a gopher and gets attacked by it. Jennie wants to weave flowers into Tiffany's hair while they talk, but accidently puts poison ivy into her hair. Ryan gets poison ivy from Tiff. Ross gets bitten by the gopher while trying to catch it and becomes rapid. Jack falls down a dranage ditch. The whole family gets sprayed with "non-harmful" pesticide gas at the end. Meanwhile, Maureen plays strip poker with young built guys. The episode ends with the message: "I guess what we're trying to say is never go to a foreign movie."

14. "Meter Maid"

Jack and Ryan break the vase that contains Jennie's grandfather's ashes. Jack takes Ryan shopping for clothes because Jennie doesn't want to do the laundry. Ryan gets oversized "gangster" pants and they keep falling down. Jennie and Tiffany go shopping together, and Tif is embarassed beyond belief. Jennie gets a ticket because the meter expires while they are just leaving. After trading insults, Jennie punches the meter maid. The Meter Maid drags a cop to the house to arrest Jennie, but Jennie has the family pray when they arrive, so they leave. They come back when they find that the car has 147 parking tickets (of Jennie's) and they haul off Jack.

To make room for Jack in the jail, they release a murderer. When the family visits Jack, no whistles are Tiffany, but Ryan gets a lot of attention. Ross brings Jack Mr. Floppy for protection. Jennie won't bail out Jack because she is taking a stand on principle, and gives a rant about the loss of freedom in America ("I remember a time when there were no parking meters...") and starts a riot. The inmates blame it on Jack, and the cops beat him. Mr. Floppy tells Jack that the cops violated him: first they threw him in front of a drug sniffing dog who slobbered all over him and then they felt him up. ("They said they were looking for files; there's no hole for a a file, but there is now. I used to be a stuffed animal, but now I'm a hand puppet!") When they stick a cannibal in the cell with Jack, he starts talking to Mr. Floppy, becuase he said he would protect Jack. Mr. Floppy doesn't do anything, but the cannibal thinks that Jack is fruit loops and Jack makes him his slave.

At home, the women are unable to take the tops off of jars, and no one has taken out the trash for a few days. Without Jack there, they are all turing on each other. After Ryan clogs the toilet, they decide it is time to get Jack out of jail. Jennie turns to Maureen for the $10,000 she needs for bail. ("$10,000? I thought you were talking about real money!" she says.) When they come for Jack, he has Spike polishing his shoes, and cleaning the toilet with his hair. Maureen bails out everyone because she is attracted to them, but then runs out of money when she comes to Jack. Mr. Floppy says that being locked up here is better than being free in India, and that Jack shouldn't worry because he smuggled in a kazoo.

15. "In The Stars"

Jennie and Tiff each get copies of American, British, and French Vogue and Town and Country. Jennie says Town and Country has the most accurate horoscopes. Jack is Leo, and it says that on the 2nd he will encounter a celebrity. Jack comes home and says that he met Erik Estrada, who wanted credit on a AMC Pacer just because Jack sold one to the guy who waasn't a Ponch. Jennie's horoscope: "Do unto others, unselfishly expecting nothing in return, and you will be rewarded." Tiffany tells Jennie that horoscopes are for losers, and Ryan instatnly wants to know his, but Jennie doesn't know his sign. Ryan's horoscope: "Attention virgo: this is your big chance, you haven't had much success with the opposite sex in the past. But That's all about to change. Between the first and seventh, all the planets are aligned for love, and you will have dreams come true with a taurus. Take advantage virgo, it's now or never."

Jennie is now running round looking for nice things to do. Jennie washes Mr. Floppy, and he comes out of the drir with an afro. ("I hope this isn't the episode that Drew Barrymore is watching.") Mr. Floppy is upset about his looks, and wants Jack to get him properly coiffed at a salon. Ryan plans to hit on all taurus girls at school. He practices on Tiffany: "I'll give you money if you let me touch you." She tells him to try that when he is forty, and that right now it is classier to offer yogurt. Tif finds an 8 year old for him to practice with, who says he is a dork. Ross walks in with a snake around his neck and steals the girl ("Hey baby, your cooler than the Olsen twins put together, wanna play with my snake?") Ryan brings Ross to school to couch him, and tries out the above line and gets slapped. ("You idiot, you need a snake to make that work!") Ryan wishes he had sex already so that he would know if it worth all the trouble. Amber says usually not, but the yogurt's good.

Ryan kisses a girl at lunch and gets Mono Nucleosis. Jennie has been doing good deeds for Maureen all week, and she still hasn't gotten her reward. Jack takes Mr. Floppy to the saloon, and Mr. Floppy feels pretty now. Wants someone to call Drew right now because he will never look better. Mr. Floppy wants more now that he has tasted the good life. Wants to do a buddy movie with Nick Nolte where they are both after Drew Barrymore, but Mr. Floppy gets her because she thinks that Nick is too drunk, too fat, and too hairy. Jennie is mad at her horroscope and says she will now only beleive in things that are scientifically proven. Things like tea leaves, the occasional palm reading, wishing wells, fortune cookies, and wishbones. She starts using a magic nine ball, but keeps destroying them when they don't give her the answer she wants. She goes to torture "good old solid as a rock Jack" in the basement, and sees him calling Mr. Floppy the cutest and the floppiest, and the one who makes daddy so happy. She boards him into the basement chanting "Who is the crasiest, who is the never gonna touch me again."

"Seven loveless days later, Ryan is still unsuccessfully crusing for chicks. If you beleive in the stars he's seventeen minutes away from being a 'Virgo' forever." Ryan is in the family car out of gas feeling sorry for himself. He turns on the radio to find Rikci Rachtman hosting "rank Ryan Malloy night." Ryan calls in pretending to be satisfied girl, and Riki tells him to seek help. Chelsea, a pretty blonde comes over to ask Ryan for a ride home, because her boyfriend kicked her out of the car for asking for the yogurt upfront. She says she feels like such a loser, Ryan says she'll get used to it. She comes on to him because he is sweet, and starts kissing him. Ryan hopes that it isn't like The Crying Game. As they continue making out, he asks her if she is a taurus, but she is a capricorn. As the show ends, the camera shows that the car Ryan is in is a Ford Taurus.

During closing credits Jack is on his couch telling Mr. Floppy how cute he is, and kissing and bouncing him. Bobcat comes down the stairs and shakes his head.

16. "Mr. No"

The Valentine's Day dance is coming, and all the guys want to take Tiffany. Tiffany becomes upset when a guy, Danny, ignores her. She decides there must be something special about him if he ignores her. Ryan is going with Miss O'Hara, his divorced, 40 year-old chemistry teacher. He asked her as a freshman, and she said that if he makes it to senior year without flunking she would go with him. Tiffany talks to Danny, but he doesn't know who she is, even though she sits in front of him in History. She thinks she is in love.

Jack is under investigation by the Post Master for sending obscene mail to Pamela Anderson. He asks Mr. Floppy about it, and leanrs that Mr. Floppy sent her a little note for Valentine's Day on Jack's Stationary: "Dear Pamela, Oh yee of the Baywatch Big 'Uns. I'd like to put my furry little face between your golden mounds and live there forever in hapiness and tranquility. Tweek, Tweek, Honk, Honk, love Floppy." Maureen is on a local talk show Wally on Everything for the topic "Women who live with their daugthers, who hate them." Jennie calls the show to defend herself.

Jennie is very excited to find out that there is a boy who isn't interested in Tiffany. When Ryan insists on taking Ms. O'Hara to the dance, she blows herself up. Tif tries to force Danny to take her to the dance, but he just says he will call her. Mr. Floppy is producing another card for Pamela, this time with newspaper letters under the name Jake Malloy. Jack gets Mr. Floppy an inflatable pamela.

Tiffany paces the living room waiting to be called, and Jennie loves every moment of it. Danny eventually shows up to take Tiffany to the dance. Ross tells Danny that he shouldn't break Tiffany's heart because "he drinks and has a gun." Danny reveals that he pretended not to like Tif because he knew he would be gaurunteed her attention. Now that he is just like every one else, she isn't interested. Tif tells Ryan that he really deserves a great date, and that he should take the most beautiful girl in the school to the dance, and they go together. Jennie thinks that Mr. Floppy's latest card to Pamela, which reads "To my dearest Pamela, Roses are red, violets are blue. I know where you live, and I'm coming after you," is for her, and is touched that Jack compares her to Pamela Anderson.

17. "The Agony of Victory"

Jack always wins (he is 2000 and 0) when he plays basketball against Ryan by cheating, and using his height advantage to charge. Jennie tells Jack that part of being a good parent is letting Ryan win. Ross has the part of Abe Lincoln in the school play. Jack asks Mr. Floppy if he should let Ryan win, which sets Mr. Floppy off about how America has lost it's killer instinct. He says that we haven't destroyed a real country in years. He is upset that the "Miss America" contest is being destroyed by those who value talent over the swimsuit competition, and that America can't compete against Brazil, which values good hooters and a tight butt over talent, in the "Miss Universe" contest. "One day real Americans will wake up from their drunken stuper, realize that we have a fat, ugly Miss America, and say 'What the hell happened here?' And on that day we'll grab our guns, swig one more beer, and kill and kill and kill until this is the great country it once was."

A flashback of Jack's memories shows him playing basketball with Ryan throught the years, and he always cheats and uses his height advantage. Ryan's memories show Jack as a big green dragon. Jack watches Ryan practice and is scared that he is going to lose soon. After win 2001 Jack is sore. Mr. Floppy is chanting a Mantra to attract Drew Barrymore. Mr. Floppy says Jack should fake a bunch Ryan in the groin whenever he starts to take a shot. He also suggests that Jack fake an injury and retire from basketball to maintain his undefeated record. Ryan shames Jack into playing him one more time. Not cheating, Jack is loosing 2 to 6, so he starts to cheat. Tied 10-10, Jack wins once more by backing Ryan in and exploiting his height advantage. Jack tells Mr. Floppy that he can really drive a guy nuts, and they share a good laugh. Jack sees the beginning of a new era in Ross, until Ross sinks a free throw.

18. "All About Jennie"

Jennie visits Tiffany during school lunch. Maureen comes looking for Jennie so that she can find her enema bag. Jennie came to tell Tiffany to try out for Juliet in the school play. Jennie tried out when she was high school but lost to Charlene Tilton. Tiffany agrees to do it when Jennie threatens to tell everyone that she isn't the maid. Jennie tells Ryan not to tell anyone that she is her mother.

Mr. Floppy is learning French from tapes. Jack gets him a Burbie Doll, which causes a problem because Mr. Floppy once dated her, but dumped her when she wanted to be his steady. He grovels to Burbie to take him back. Tiffany gets the part of Juliet, and now Jennie wants to make her the Juliet that she could have been. Ryan gets the role of saying "Please take your seats now." Ryan and Jack try and figure out how to properly say the line, while Jennie and Tif rehearse together.

Jack sends Burbie to Bosnia just as Mr. Floppy and Burbie were getting together, saving Mr. Floppy from Marriage. Jennie wants Tif to get a TV series. Minutes before opening night, Ryan is still trying to figure out how to say his line. "Take Your Please Now Seats" begins a string of screw-ups by Jack and Ryan before Ross saves them. A hollywood agent is in the audience. He has a lizard head and took 10% of Maureen's popcorn, doing nothing for her in return. In the middle of the play, Jennie locks Tiffany backstage to steal her glory and proceeds to kill the play. Jennie gets a bad review, while the Malloy men get a good review for their "satirical" opening.

Closes with "Meanwhile, back at Shakespeare's grave...," which shows the ground swelling as he turns...

19. "Jack Writes Good"

When the credit card is maxed out, Tiffany is heart-broken because she realizes they are middle class. Jack almost sold a car but didn't want to do the paperwork because it was right before closing. Mr. Floppy is writing a book about the adventures of a stuffed rabbit in the toy bin and his loser alter ego Jacque. Jennie wants Jack to take a second job, but then wants him to quit his job and write full time after she sends the first chapter to a publisher. Jack keeps bothering Mr. Floppy as he writes. Mr. Floppy can't wait to make the book into a movie, and says there is a part for Drew Barrymore. Jack reads the finished book and says it is a work of "Sick, Dark, Twisted, Boozed out little mind." He wants to change it because the publishers are expecting a children's book. Mr. Floppy won't prostitute his work, and stops existing, forcing Jack to rewrite the book himself. Jennie has a job at Weenie Stick at the mall with three 12 year olds. When she needs conforting, the couch pillow talks to her. Ryan wonders what inanimate object he'll talk to when he gets a job. Tiffany says she'll talk to a mirror, and Ryan decides on his shoes. Ross says he'll talk to his family and friends, causing Tiffany and Ryan to point and chant "Normal, Normal."

Ryan walks in on Jack-- "You should know by now that when you hear me going 'Wheee, Wheee,' it means I'm playing with my bunny." The publisher hates Jack's revised book: "That was a very nice try little boy, but just because books are written for children, doesn't mean that they are written by children."

Floppy's book Life in the Toy Bin is a big success amoung snotty Parisians 30 years later. They can't beleive that Floppy was an American. Jack is there and says he knew "The Floppy." The kids are still watching "The Golden Friends." Mr. Floppy is now painting in Paris and Jack is pretending to be a blind vagrant. "Kids the lesson here is don't sell out, unless it's for TV."

20. "Girls Who Wear Glasses"

Ryan talks to the guidance counsear, Ms. Blake, about his future. She suggests the careers of garbage man and lab rat. Amber and Barry say that she suggested to both of them party tramp. Tiffany is accepted to Super Acheivers, a program for gifted girls to encourage them to enter careers in math and science. Ryan starts testing things for people: bad milk, gas leaks, and comes home green. Jennie and Jack start fighting over who is responsible for Tiffany's smarts.

Tiffany feels inadequate in the new class, where the rest of the girls are uptight geeky over acheivers ("I used to be the smart girl, now I'm just the most beautiful. It's not enough"). After a game of Scrabble where Jennie uses the word ass, Jack and Jennie keep making butt puns. Tiffany is beginning to think that maybe she is just mediocre. Ryan tells her that being mediocre is an improtant job: "What good is a parade without a crowd to watch it? Join me, won't you, in staring senselessly into space." When she askes him what to do, he says, "I'm finally used to being nothing, and I don't a novice hanging around sneaking thoughts into my head."

Mr. Floppy wants to know what happened to them. Jack was getting divorced, and they had a nice little place just for them. Those were the best 13 weeks of their life, he says. Mr. Floppy sings the original theme song, while Jack plays air guitar on the rake. Jack and Jennie ask Maureen who is smarter. She poses the question: "You are a network executive, you have a show that is doing alright, but it could be doing better. What would you do to goose up the ratings?" Jack: "I know, that's easy. You simply dress the teenage daughter in skimpy outfits and have her dance around the hosue." Jennie: "Thats too obvious. You give the writers complete artistic freedom, and you pick it up year after year, no matter what." Maureen says Jennie's answer isn't realistic, and that if they had really been smart they would have said "stunt casting." The doorbell rings and Jackée Harry from Sister, Sister comes in, and says that she has the Wayans brothers in the car.

Tif decides to study her butt off. The teacher says her answers are still a little simplistic. Then she spills coffee on herself, and asks if anyone knows ho to get the stain out. Tiffany answers and the class gives her a hard time for knowing. Tiffany says that she is "an American girl," and launches into a rant about how there is more to being a woman than just a beatiful brain. "If we are to put a knife in a man's back, we must first be attractive enought to get behind him." "While you're in here getting your PhD's, I'll be out there getting my CEO." Tiffany leaves the class, which subsequently falls apart because all the girls went about and got dates and lives. Agnes is sleeping with a marine and a biker, and she is pregnant. Tiffnay is annoyed that they misinterpreted her, but is glad that Agnes is going to be "17 with five kids living in a trailer park" because she made fun of her.

21. "Leaving Van Nuys"

It's summer break, the kids are home from school, and Jennie wants them to go to camp, prison, or to join a cult. Tiffany says they are in school five hours a day, four and a half days a week, seven months a year, so they are on the edge ready to explode. Jack switches to the night shift so that he doesn't have to see the kids at home. Ryan announces he just finished his senior year, so he is home for good. Jack gets Ryan a job at the used car lot.

To keep the kids from coming to the basement over the summer, Jack forces Ross to tell a joke to Mr. Floppy. Mr. Floppy says that summer is mating time for bunnies, and that He wants Jack leave him in a Nieman Marcus dressing room. He warns Drew Barrymore that he is ovulating.

Ryan gets fired on his first day because he turned back the odometers too far to 99,000 miles. He has until tomorrow to get a new job or he is out of the house. All he wants to do is drink beer, chase girls, and hang around all day. Tiffany says that he means college, and suggests Cheese Burger community college. Jennie is wandering around the house in a bathrobe and ranting. Her evening beer is in the bathrobe pocket, and when questioned about drinking her "right now beer" warm, she says "This isn't about flavor, it's about coping."

Mr. Floppy and Jack, who is also drinking his way through the summer, are making a list of people that they want to see roasted on a spit with an apple in their mouth, which includes Susan Powder, Holly Hunter, Meryl Streep, Barbara Streisand, Jennie, "Down Town" Julie Brown. Jennie comes to the basement to steal some of Jacks's beer. Jack falls a sleep, and Jennie trys to talk to him. Jennie starts talking to Mr. Floppy, but thinks he is Jack. Mr. Floppy tells the audience: "Confused? Don't be. What's happening here, is I'm Jack's alter-ego. And because his ego seems to be elsewhere, I'll take over. And you if you're wondering why she thinks the voice is coming from the bunny, perhaps you're taing your TV too serously." Mr. Floppy starts bossing her around and tells her to dance on the table. It turns on Jennie, and she starts making out with him. Lots of imagery: rockets taking off, rams butting, fireworks, etc.

Ryan gets rejected from Cheese Burger Community College because he cried when the clown popped up during testing. He gets a letter saying that he failed all his classes and he must repeat his senior year, and is excited because it means he isn't an adult yet.

Jennie is singing cabaret tunes in the basement, where a trapese is hanging from the ceiling. Jack is excited because Jennis says that he was great. Jennie wants to know where Jack learned to do those things, and accuses him of sleeping with her friend Marilyn and then jumps Jack for more. Mr. Floppy comments, "Boy is she in for a disaapointment."

22. "Getting More Than Some"

It's Friday night and Tiffany is going to 15 parties, and then to the beach to watch the sea turtles hatch. Ross is going to a party, and then to the beach to put sugar in the gas tanks of the idiots watching the sea turtles hatch ("Dumb tree huggers are interupting the birth cycle"). Ryan wants to go to the parties, but Tiffany won't let him. Ryan has become very domestiv, and is cleaning the kitchen and garage. Jack tells him to go meet girls, and that just because he wan't invited, doesn't mean he can't go to parties. He gives him keys and money, and tells him to go pick up a drunk girl at a party he crashes.

Ryan returns on Sunday morning, is rude to Jennie and doesn't want to do the dishes. Jennie interprets this to mean that Ryan was "with a woman." Jack is so proud, "My son is gettin' some and my daughters a virgin. I'm the happiest guy in the world." Jack married the first woman he slept with, then did it with three others. He knew Jennie was pregnent, but he didn't know he was getting married. Mr. Floppy has been married six times: five times to dolls, and once, when he was really drunk, to the shoe in the monopoly game. He tells Jack that he really could have been happy with the shoe, and then when Jack presses him on it, "You actually think I would marry a shoe, you're not funny insane anymore, you're just nuts." He kicks Jack out of the basement, and starts nuzzling a shoe. Tiffany says one of her patent leather pumps is missing. All eyes turn to Ross, who says "it" was just a faze and he is past it now.

A week later, Ryan brings home Crystal, who is about thiry, to meet the family. She says they are getting married and moving in. She has two kids that are about Ross's age. Jennie faints for 4 commercials and a promo for Savannah. Ross tells Ryan that he screwed up, and to run. Jennie wants to get rid of Crystal becauase Ryan is going to ruin an already dull life. Jack tells her, "I told you before, no more killing." She wants Jack to go to the basement, talk to his bunny and not to come back until he has a plan. Jack says it won't work because he is in one of his moods and only plays mind games on him. Ryan says that he doesn't want to get married, and that he wants Jennie to tell Crystal to go away.

Jack finds Mr. Floppy with Tiffany's shoe. Maureen has to move into the basement because Ryan and Crystal are moving into her room. Floppy says he can talk in her presence because she has no concept of reality. Maureen sits on him just when he is about to tell Jack what to do. Maureen tells Jack to get rid of Crystal, and that the pipes are snotty. Maureen can hear Mr. Floppy's cries of pain. Jack gives Ryan a script to read to break up with Crystal, that is clearly from his own youth. Mr. Floppy is flattened out, stuck to Maureen's butt.

Ryan tells Crystal that before he gets married there is someone he would like her to meet. He introduces Barry as his lover, and Crystal runs from the house.

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