Unhappily Ever After: 1998-99 Season

Season Overview

It's Tiffany and Ryan's second year of college at Northridge Junior College. The library set from last season has been replaced with a student union set. Jennie is gone, having run off to Europe with a lesbian lover. A new cast member, Wendy Benson, plays Barbara, a friend/competitor of Tiffany.


1) "X-Happily Ever After"
In a parody of The X-Files, Tiffany and Ryan try to determine the nature of dancing baby sightings.
2) "Feline Alright"
Tiffany and Barbara compete for an A by kissing up to their power-mad teaching assistant. Ross tries to get attention from Jack.
3) "Basketball ... Again?"
Jack has to intervene when Tiffany's plan to get Mindy on the basketball team causes Ryan to be cut.
4) "A Movie Show"
Tiffany has troubles at the movies.
5) "Love Letters"
Tiffany makes the mistake of sending a love letter to her new boyfriend.
6) "I Know What You Did in the Closet"
Tiffany tries to get revenge on Ryan.
7) "Ross' IQ"
Ross is upset about being average.
8) "The Fencing Show"
Tiffany tries to get to Harvard on a fencing scholarship.
9) "Smart and Stupid"
Tiffany and Ryan compete on a game show.
10) "The Silver Rule"
Tiffany gets sued for sexual harassment.
11) "Secrets"
Tiffany has a secret that could injure Ryan.


1. "X-Happily Ever After"

The episode opens with Tiffany and Barbara attempting to befriend, and Ryan trying to pick up, Caitlin Blackpoole, the university's token Gothic girl. Left alone in the student union, Barbara has a vision of a dancing cherubic baby. Before the main credits, is a parody of The X-Files credits: "Our Show is Out There." The next morning Tiffany and Ryan investigate: "We are here to make fun of The X-Files. We don't wear the suits, our bodies are good." Tiffany thinks Barbara had a hallucination brought on by America's bizarre fascination with Ally McBeal; Ryan thinks it was aliens.

Later, at home, Ross wants to have a part in the story, but neither Tiffany nor Ryan wants to give up any lines. They tell him that the story is actually about him— that he is getting glasses. Ross things this is going to a big season for him.

After Caitlin sees the dancing baby, Ross and Tiffany ask "Beer Drinking Man" (Jack) for advice, because he has experience in the bizarre. Ryan asks Jack if he believes in conspiracies, and Jack launches into a diatribe about the stupid logo that TV networks put in the corner of the screen, which he claims is uses to control the viewers' minds. He adds that the TV Networks, are in it with the aliens, who also abducted Jennie.

That night, Tiffany sees the baby in her bedroom. She believes it was a hallucination brought on the half of a grape she ate for dinner. Ryan disproves her theory by finding baby powder on the floor. Ryan and Tiffany notice the "The WB" logo in the corner of the screen and panic. Ross comes by wearing glasses, and says that something really funny happened at the eyeglass store. He starts talking about it, and the scene changes.

Jack decides to make his ideal woman from pictures from Playboy, Fashion magazines, and his high school yearbook. Ross comes in, and Jack says the scene is over.

Tiffany, Barbara, and Caitlin try to figure out what the have in common that might have brought on the dancing baby. Tiffany realizes that they are all ovulating, and that that must be the key. Ryan catches the dancing baby by posing as a woman in the student union. It turns out the baby is really a midget dressed as a baby; he is trying to breed a race of junior college educated little-people. He uses the dancing baby routine to cash in on the popularity of Ally McBeal, in the hope that women will dance with him.

At the end, Ross gives a speech about how you can wear glasses and still be cool.

2. "Feline Alright"

Tiffany and Barbara are enrolled in the same literature class— a class in which 98% of the female students get A's, and the other 2% wear bras. Ryan is excited because he got into shop class, where 98% of the guys get C's, and the other 2% die from blood loss. Tiffany and Barbara's hope for an easy A dies when Ryan's shop teacher kills their literature teacher, and the power-mad teaching assistant, Mr. Studebaker, is left in charge. He only gives one A per semester— the first assignment for students that want to get an A is to do his laundry.

Tiffany is upset that she has to do Mr. Studebaker's errands to get an A, but she does them anyway because Barbara is more than happy to do them. Ross warns Tiffany that she should not suck up because she will just become a suck-junkie, living from suck to suck. He speaks from experience in trying to get Jack's attention.

Mr. Floppy gets mad at Jack because Jack left him in the basement with the TV on CBS. Mr. Floppy says they should buy CBS; he saw an ad where 3 payments of $9.95 would buy the network.

Mr. Studebaker wants the potential A students to medicate his cat, Frisky— rectally. Barbara and Tiffany both arrive at his apartment, and in the ensuing attempt to rectally medicate his cat, the cat dies. To cover their tracks, they concoct a story about Frisky fighting off a burgler using a knife and fork, and dying of exhaustion in the process.

Mr. Studebaker has a funeral for his heroic feline. Barbara gets Mr. Studebaker a new cat. Tiffany says that a cat like Frisky cannot be replaced, and has the performance artist Kromar perform a tribute poem about Frisky, winning the A for the semester.

3. "Basketball ... Again?"

Tiffany is upset that Barbara won't let Tiffany have the front page story in the school paper. Barbara is filling up space by making up stories ("Dog buys gun, robs blood bank"). When Tiffany learns that Ryan is on the men's basketball team and that Mindy scored 80 points in the last women's basketball game, she decides to create a story by getting Mindy on the men's team.

Ross is trying to fill in for the absent Jennie by cooking and cleaning, but gets annoyed when Ryan calls him mom, and Jack calls him Honey. Jack is very exciting that Ryan made the basketball team because now he can live through him. But he is also down because he feels old. Mr. Floppy tells him not to worry because the young people he envies will soon be old with back pain, and will have girlfriends that love someone else. Tiff holds a small press conference to announce that Mindy is going to try out for the men's team.

The coach wants to be famous, so he puts Mindy on the team without ever seeing her play. Unfortunately, he cuts Ryan to make room for her. Ryan gets mad at Jack because Jack is always forcing him to make sacrifices for Tiffany's benefit. Mr. Floppy yells at Jack, telling him that everyone made the team but him, so he must get Ryan back on the team so that he can live through him, and therefore be on the team. Working with Barbara, Jack poses as a recruiter and gives money to the team's star player, which causes him to be kicked off the team, allowing Ryan to play again.

Jack is obsessed with Barbara's Northridge dog story. In addition to robbing the blood bank, the dog has hijacked a school bus which he used to go to Fort Knox. The dog traded Fort Knox gold for plutonium. Mr. Floppy suggests that the dog wants to build a nuclear bomb. Jack disagrees, because that doesn't explain the blood bank, trip to Mexico, and mysterious pile of dooty at the bowling alley. Jack asks Mr. Floppy what he thinks is going through the dogs head, being a dog himself. Mr. Floppy gets upset, saying he is a bunny, and that if Jack doesn't know what he is, how the hell does he expect the viewers to know.

During the biggest game of the season, the coach puts Ryan and Mindy into the game. The coach doesn't want Mindy to screw things up, so he tells Ryan not to pass her the ball. Ryan doesn't want to be the one who screws up, so he passes the ball the Mindy, who misses what would be the winning basket.

4. "A Movie Show"

Tiffany and Barbara have to see the director's cut of The Bridges of Madison County for the History of Chick Flick 101. Jerome, a sensitive guy that Tiffany is seeing, wants to tag along. Ryan annoys Barbara into letting him go to the movie with her. At the theater, three guys are throwing popcorn and yelling. Tiffany is irritated the Jerome doesn't tell them to shut up, and instead leaves with Tiffany and Barbara. When they leave, Ryan begins to throw popcorn and yell. Ross (there with a girl) tells him to shut up, impressing his date.

Mr. Floppy tells Jack that it is the anniversary of when they first went on the air [it isn't, but that's not really important]. Critics said they wouldn't last a season, but they buried all the shows that would supposedly take their viewers. To celebrate, Jack brings out a Burbie doll for Mr. Floppy, but Floppy says he had her already, so whats the point. Jack says that why he also brought Viagra, which he shoves down Mr. Floppies throat. His ears shoot up erect and he kicks Jack out of the basement.

Ross wants to talk to Jack about a problem, but Jack blows him off by telling him to go watch a Barney tape. Tiffany tells Jack that she is torn because she wants Jerome to be sensitive, but she is upset that he didn't stand up for her at the movie. Ryan says he feels like less than a man because he didn't stand up for Barbara. Jack tells Ryan that as long as people think you're a man, it is as good as being one. He says he'll go to the movies and be rude, so that Ryan can stand up to him. Tiffany decides to give Jerome a second chance.

Jack takes Floppy to the movie with him, and Mr. Floppy can't figure out if they are supposed to be tough guys or transvestites. Unfortunately, Jack goes to the wrong theatre and sees Denise Richards and Liv Tyler in Wild Things II: World Without Men. The rude guys are in the movie again. Tiff tells Jerome to devastate them with his wit. She demonstrates by yelling at a girl who shooshes her. All he comes up with is "I think the Barbarians have stormed the gates." She makes him go fight them, and he runs away. Ryan goes to fight them when Barbara suggest they leave. He comes back a bit beaten. Barbara says he was magnificent, but now he hideous because he is beaten. But the shooshing girl and her friend come to sit with him.

Later that day, Tiffany goes to see it again, and the guys are there again ("How many times can they see this stinkin' movie?") She goes to sit with them, and when they yell, she gives them a sexy "shoosh".

5. "Love Letters"

Tiffany picks up Jacques, the new French student at the college. Ross is training to be the head of the Malaysian Secret Police— they recruited as his school— by reading Tiffany's letters to Jacques. Jack warns her against trusting a man with her heart, and tells her she must get the letters back. Tiffany argues that Jacques is different, because he is European; women like European men because they are European. Ryan gets an idea.

Mr. Floppy is upset that he has been writing to Drew Barrymore for four years without ever getting a reply. Because she is no longer the tattooed, sex crazed slut from E.T., Mr. Floppy has decided to choose a new girlfriend, and let the viewers call in (1-900-98-THEWB):

To vote for Kate Moss, Press 1.

To vote for double barrelled Denise Richards, press 2.

To vote for moronic, teutonic super-model Claudia Schiffer, Press 3.

To vote for icey aussie Nicole Kidman, Press 4.

And if you want me to stay true to little Drew Barrymore, press 5.

Ryan's idea has come to fruition: he is pretending to be the Count of Monty Crisco, and wearing a top hat and monicle. He is mistaken for Mr. Peanut at first, but he is getting positive results. Barbara has a boyfriend who writes her romantic letters. Unfortunately, they turn out to be Tiffany's letters to Jacques. The two have an uncomfortable moment when they realize that Barbara fell in love with her boyfriend's words, but the words are really Tiffany's. Tiffany reassures herself, "Boy I sure do like guys. I haven't had sex yet, but when I do, you can bet your undies it's going to be with a guy." Barbara reassures herself: "Well, I have had sex, and it is not sex without a man."

Ross is using Tiffany's letters on his girlfriend, whom Tiffany kicks out of the house. Ross gets upset: "Thanks You, I was just about to get... Well, I don't know what I as going to get, but I do know I was going to brag about it tomorrow." Tiffany tells Jack that a man broke her heart, and Jack takes out his shotgun, which Tiffany calls their backup plan.

Update on phone voting. What does the lucky winner get? "A life time supply of unsolicited sexual letters. Constant publicity courtesy of The WB juggernaught, Unhappily Ever After. And most importantly, you'll learn the ancient secrets of the Floppysutra." Mr. Floppy does his love dance to get the lines moving.

Barbara and Tiffany still have an awkward giggly relationship because of the letters. Barbara tells her that Jacques is using the letters on every girl in school. She can't bring herself to dump him, until he gives her a copy of her own letter. Tiff tells all the "girls, actresses and extras" that Jacques has been duping them. "Let this be a lesson to never reveal your true feelings to a guy. No guy is worth that, especially not a European guy. Europeans have nothing to offer. If you are going to be taken advantage of, be taken advantage of by an American guy!" This cites an anti-European riot. Ryan saves himself by claiming to Mr. Peanut, which still has positive results because he is not a celebrity.

Mr. Floppy decides to stay with Drew.

6. "I Know What You Did in the Closet"

In October 1988 Ryan locks Tiffany in the closet and tells her that the closet monster will get her. Now Tiffany will only go in the closet with a belt full of flashlights.

It is now October 1998, and in a parody of Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer Tiffany is harassing Ryan by calling him and sending him notes that read "I know what you did in 1988." Ryan doesn't understand that he is being stalked. Ross has a big boom-box, that drains all the batteries in the house, on which he listens to a rap version of the show's original theme song. He steals batteries from around the house.

Barbara is in on the stalking, and while visiting to get Ryan's last words for the school paper, she pretends to get killed in the closet. When Ryan tries to show her to other people, she is gone. Later, he finds Ross dead in the closet. Tiffany admits to harassing Ryan, but says this wasn't part of it. They think that Jack did it because they hear him discussing killing James Bond with Mr. Floppy. They go to confront him, but find him dead. When Ryan is out chasing a trick-or-treater in a Scream mask around the block, Tiffany discusses the plans with Ross, Jack, and Barbara.

Tiffany hides in the closet to scare Ryan. She makes a phone call to Ryan, posing as the police, and tells him to lock the front door and hide in the closet. He gets it mixed up and locks the closet. Tiffany starts screaming because Ross stole the batteries from her flashlights, but the closet monster tells her to be quiet.

7. "Ross' IQ"

Ross comes back from taking an IQ test, and thinks he aced it. He told off his entire class, saying he was going to go to the Thursten Howell School for the Gifted. Jack returns with his results, and he is exactly average (100 IQ). Interrogation by his family reveals that he drinks 2.2 glasses of water a day and watches 4 hours and 13 minutes of TV a day. Concerned about how to return to his class, Jack tells Ryan to say "I didn't really want to go to that school."

Mr. Floppy gets a mail-order minister kit, which includes: a white wig, angel wings, bottle of false tears, and a hooker discount card.

Ross wants to retake the test, but it requires a parental signature. Ross and Tiffany volunteer to pose as his parents because they are afraid that Jack will perform his leper impression. After Ross successfully pulls of the "I didn't want to go anyway" line, Tiffany and Ryan burst into his classroom and yell at his teacher. For a 50 cent bribe, the teacher lets him retake the test. He gets a 99. He takes it two more times, and gets a 101 and 100.

Ross takes a tour of Northridge Junior College to get a glimpse of his future. Tiffany tells him to keep trying because if he stops trying he will end up like Ryan. Ryan disagrees, and says there is nothing better than being stupid: he's happy and having fun. Tiffany counters that fun is overrated, and what could be more fun than getting A's all the time. Shes trails off in a manic rant about pressure to get good grades.

Jack and Mr. Floppy film a preacher show. Jack does his leper impression.

Ross talks to jack about being average. Jack takes him to have an average day. They have a vanilla ice cream (Ross: "Bland, but satisfying", Jack: "Just like life should be, and TV is.") Jack tells him: "Average people never run out of things to say, or people to say it to. Being average is like being in the biggest club in the world. They didn't shoot Ringo did they, and they'll never shoot us, at least not on purpose."

8. "The Fencing Show"

Tiffany thinks she is wasting her potential at Northridge Junior College. She says, "The only job I'll be qualified for is a network executive, CAA agent, or lap dancer." Ryan says she should be lap dancer, because she'll be able to meet celebrities like Kelsey Grammar. The one book in the school library is Wiggleworth's Guide to Obscure Harvard Scholarships. They are all sports scholarships. Tiffany is glum until she spots the fencing scholarship. She figures that she can be the whole fencing team at NJC. Barbara joins too because Ryan told her Tiffany's plan. Unfortunately for Tiffany, Barbara has had private lessons for years.

Mr. Floppy is in the basement with Viagra, booze, and Pepsi, waiting for Hugh Hefner to arrive. He is mad that he has never been invited to a party at the Playboy Mansion. He crashed an End of Summer party once, but ended up in a cage between a monkey and some flamingos. He eventually took Miss July and a flamingo while the monkey watched.

Tiffany asks Jack for money for fencing lessons. Jack reminds her of her past failures attempting physical activities: she dropped out of Swan Lake because she was drowning in the paper water, she had tragic accordion lessons, and her baton kept landing on her head. When Jack learns that Ryan told Barbara Tiffany's plan, he sends Ryan to the 9:30pm time slot to cause trouble on The Army Show. Jack tells Tiffany she'll have fencing lessons, and sends Ross to get a job. Ryan comes back, and says the loveable cast of misfits are running a scheme that the brass doesn't know about and they could all get court martialed. Jack sends him back. Ross wants to know why they have a time machine but no money for fencing lessons.

Byrone McNiff, who Tiff fingers as the basketball coach from two episodes ago, is the fencing coach (and the best swordsman in all of France). He says that basketball pays the bills, but this is his passion. He too wants to get invited to the Playboy Mansion. He once made it all the way to the tennis courts, when he was seized, but into a flamingo costume, and caged. He blanked out the rest, but remembers that the monkey watched. He tells Tiffany if a she can catch a baton she can fence. He once had a prize student, who turned to the dark side.

Ross is a pizza delivery boy and has to carry pizza on his back. He gets a hump and triple hernia delivering pizza to Leann Rhimes.

Couch has taught Tiffany everything he knows. It turns out that Barbara is the student who turned to the dark side. In the fencing championship, they are tied one to one. They have some girl-talk in the middle, then take a break for cappiciano. Barbara eventually flips Tiffany's saber into the air, and Tiffany finally catches "the baton" to score against Barbara. Ryan comes in with the Trustee of the Harvard fencing scholarship, a General, whom he has convinced to invest the scholarship money in a movie starring Mickey Rourke and Kevin Costner as two ex giggalos seeking fame and love in the corn fields of Nebraska. The family sends Ryan to The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer, where he foils the assassination attempt on Abraham Lincoln.

9. "Smart and Stupid"

Jack's cable has been cut off because he owes $500, and he is upset because he cannot watch the empty cornfields of network TV. When he sees the game show Smart and Stupid Siblings, where siblings compete as a team to win $1000, he gets an idea.

Ryan doesn't want to go because he cried when he was six on Captain Pete's Pirate Show when Awkie the Parrot Clown awked in his face. Tiffany doesn't want to go because she is worried about choking in front of the world. Jack threatens to love Ross unless they compete.

Mr. Floppy tells Jack that with $1000 they can bypass the cable company and step up to Direct TV, with 8 different Showtime channels. Tiffany and Ryan agree to go on the game show so that they can face their demons.

On Smart and Stupid Siblings, the smart answer smart questions, and the stupid answer stupid questions. Tiffany hesitates before pushing the buzzer because she is afraid she is dumb. Ryan answers every stupid question correctly, and they beat the returning champions.

Ross tells Tiffany that she looked stupid on TV. Barbara tells her that she looked stupid and fat on TV. Barbara wants to be seen with Ryan in public so she can get in the People Couples issue. Tiffany tells everyone when she asked a question all she could see was two fat guys (Joe Public and Ed) sitting on a couch laughing at her.

Jack and Mr. Floppy buy their direct broadcast satellite dish and are very pleased.

When they return to defend their title, Tiffany still sees the couch-guys. She tells Ryan about it, which causes him to see Awkie on the couch with them. Now both of them are sucking. Tiffany can't stand losing so she punches out the couch-guys, and answers the rest of the questions.

10. "The Silver Rule"

Ryan wants to take over the horoscopes in the student paper. Tiffany decides to help Elliot Groombaum, a dweeb who has been working on the same article since the previous semester. She wants to help him get a front page story.

Mr. Floppy tells Jack that he once tried to help a loser out. A Cabbage Patch doll landed in the toy bin because he lost his adoption papers. Floppy let him run errands for him, and gave him his leftovers. One day he tried to steal Mr. Floppy's 8th favorite lade, so he cut off his legs.

Ryan gets to take over the horoscopes because he ran down the previous writer on his bike. Whenever Tiffany helps Elliot, he squirms away. After five days and nights, Tiffany says they have produces a front page story, which wasn't easy because Elliot didn't speak. Later that day, his first words are to serve her with papers, he is suing her for sexual harassment in student court. Barbara puts that on the front page.

Ross and Ryan attack Tiffany for two centuries of oppression. Jack tells her there is a lesson: "Leave the miserable to them themselves and spend your time with the popular kids. Losers are nothing but trouble, why do you think they call them losers?" Barbara is serving as prosecutor, and has appointed Ryan as Tiffany's defense attorney. Jack is nervous about testifying in student court. Floppy says he was in toy bin court, judge Punching Judy presiding, for killing a Tamaguchi.

Caitlin Blackpoole is the Judge. Barbara says Elliot just wants to be left alone. Jack goes insane on the stand. Ryan acts like an idiot. Tiffany launches into a diatribe about how the nice are persecuted. People are afraid to talk to other people. The losers rule the country, the revenge of the nerds has gone on long enough. Who cares if she actually did harass Elliot. She's cool and proud of it. Caitlin finds her both cool and not guilty.

11. "Secrets"

Tiffany hates Penny and Chip, an obnoxious couple. Ryan claims to have slept with Penny, after she had a fight with Chip—after having a root-canal, hopped up on pain pills, when she came on to him. Tiffany doesn't believe him, but he has proof: a lock of her hair, her bra, a polaroid, a signed affadvit, her blood bib, and another polaroid. Barbara sense that Tiffany has a secret about Penny, and wants her to share. In the ladies room, the girls want Tiffany to tell her secret, because they always tell her everything. They tell her that they aren't there to go to the bathroom, they are there to spread information that can help them maintain dominance over men. Ross wants to know what's going on, because Ryan is giggling in the bushes with a bra a blood bib. Tiffany is feeling a lot of pressure to tell her secret.

Mr. Floppy wants a new theme park, a detox center for the stars, completely made of glass, so that tourists can drive by on trams. Tiffany want Jack to tell her how to keep a secret. But Jack bores her to sleep by telling her about how he doesn't know anything anymore but sports statistics.

Ryan is the only one that Chip trusts with Penny. He's running around beating up people he thinks are looking at Penny. The girls are still trying to get Tiffany to spill her secret. Tiffany says they don't have to gossip because their bond is much deeper than surface chatter. Apparently it isn't, because they don't have anything to say to each other. Finally, she blurts out that Ryan slept with Penny. She wants Barbara to keep it to herself. Tiffany ahs 24 hours to save Ryan, because Barbara is going to spread the gossip in two parts: first she is going to tell that Penny cheated on Chip, and the next day tell who it was with. Tiffany tells Ryan to tell the guys he slept with Penny, saying it would make him a god. Ryan won't do it, because Chip would kill him. Chip wants Ryan to help him find who she slept with.

Mr. Floppy is having a delima: the viewers voted for him to be true to Drew, but the studio audience voted for Denise Richards. He thinks that Drew and Denise should come over, fight it out in the mud, and he would sleep with the winner— and the loser— it would be a win–win situation.

Ryan is helping Chip, but he is still afraid that eventually Chip is going to figure out it was he that slept with Penny. Tiffany lucks out because just as Barbara tells the girls in the restroom whom Penny slept with, someone flushes. When the girls ask her to repeat it, Tiffany says it was Bryan Savoy. Barbara challenges her, but Tiffany says it was a test to see if Barbara can keep a secret. Through the grapevine, news reaches Chip that it was Rusty Mintz that slept with Penny. Ryan helps Chip beat up Rusty because Ryan thinks that Penny cheated on him with Rusty. Ryan says he won't sleep with another man's girl again, because of the pressure. Penny comes in and says she just had her crowns done, and that Ryan is looking sexy. Ryan tells Chip he's going to go keep an eye on Penny. Chip says he's a good friend.

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