Funny Files

My old collection was wiped out when my UBC account was deleted. As a result, I've started over again. I don't know where the original sources of these jokes are from as I get most of them in emails that have been forwarded many times.


These have been collected from .sigs and various other sources

"90.8% of all statistics are made up"
- Unknown

Murphy's Law: "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong"
Corollary: "Anything that can't go wrong will"
- Unknown

"Xerox never comes up with anything original"
- Unknown

"Does the name 'Pavlov' ring a bell?"
- William Gibson

"One man's Windows are another man's walls"
- Unknown

"Carpe Postridiem" (Seize the next day -- if my Latin is correct )
- Procastinator's Slogan

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
- Unknown

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
- A. Whitney Brown

"The only problem
with Haiku is that you just
get started and then"
- Unknown

"I have an inferiority complex but it isn't a very good one"
- Unknown

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
- Unknown

"Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change."
- Unknown

"Pardon my driving, I am reloading."
- Unknown

"Eagles may fly, but weasels aren't sucked into jets."
- Unknown

"I'm not paranoid! Which one of my enemies told you that?"
- Unknown

"Thesaurus: Ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary."
- Unknown

"EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later."
- Unknown

"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
- Unknown

"Windows 95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition."
- Unknown

"You bought WHAT? You spent my 150 million on WHAT? Don't you listen? I said SNAPPLE!!!"
- PURPORTED email sent by Bill Gates to Microsoft CFO Greg Maffet (from Information Week August 18, 1997 pg. 12)

"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force"
- Dorothy Parker

"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top"
- English Professor, Ohio University

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian"
- Unknown

"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
- Unknown

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else"
- Unknown

"The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management"
- Scott Adams

"I was once an assistant professor of mathematics. Since then, I have lived in the woods of Montana, doing skilled crafts."
- The Unabomber when asked his occupation during sentencing

"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally."
- Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese Foreign Minister

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
- Unknown

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like his passengers"
- Unknown

"You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever."
- Unknown

"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal ideas from many is research."
- Unknown

"What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary."
- Unknown

"From the moment I picked up your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
- Unknown

"If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison."
"If I were your husband, madam, I should drink it."
- Winston Churchill to Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess

"If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning."
- Unknown

"Work harder. Millions on welfare depend on you."
- Unknown

"Sarcasm is just one more service we offer."
- Unknown

"Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?"
- Unknown

"Interviewer: Is studying computer science the best way to prepare to be a programmer?"
"Gates: No, the best way to prepare is to write programs, and to study great programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the garbage cans at the Computer Science Center and I fished out listings of their operating system."
- from "Programmers at Work" by Microsoft Press

"Keep honking, I'm reloading"
- from a bumper sticker

"It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy."
- Unknown

"If you stand in the middle of a library and shourt "Aaaaaaaaargh" at the top of your voice, everyone just stares at you. If you do the same thing on an aeroplane, why does everyone join in?"
- Unknown

"Huked on foniks werkd fer me!"
- Unknown

"My child was inmate of the month at the county jail"
- From a bumper sticker

"Join the Army: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them"
- Unknown

"the silly student
he writes really bad haiku
readers all go mad"
- Seen on Leejay Wu's sig

"Microsoft Windows, I'll bet you can't install it just once!"
- David Halliwell (seen on rec.humor.funny)

"SUV - 6000 pounds of steel to move 120 pounds of pinhead"
- Seen on a bumper sticker

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
- Unknown

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield
- Unknown

A close mouth gathers no foot
- Unknown

There once was a reverend named Bayes,
Who mooned in peculiar ways
He'd show his prior
To any admirer,
But to see his posterior, you pays!
- Dr Gerald Hahn (I think...apologies if I didn't get the limerick correct)