The Road to Xenu, by Margery Wakefield  -- prevToCnext

Chapter 7

The Date of the Incident Is 520 B.C.

ARC breaks. Engrams. Dianetics. She reviews her past lives. 520 BC.

"Miss Wakefield."

I was startled. I looked up from the policy letter I had been engrossed in to find the Course Supervisor standing beside me. At her side was a slim girl with thick red hair.

"This is Kim. She is looking for a PC (preclear). I've looked in your folder and you are eligible for Dianetic auditing."

"Great!" I was anxious to get started on the road to Clear. Part of being a student on the Dianetics course meant that in addition to auditing others (3 successful sessions were required to complete the course), the student would also receive auditing from another student. This was my chance! We walked to Kim's small apartment several blocks away, exchanging small talk on the way.

At the apartment, Kim's E-meter was already set up at a table in the living room.

"Have a seat," Kim offered. She sat down and began to adjust the E-meter in preparation for the session.

"Pick up the cans, please," she instructed, as she continued to adjust the meter.

"First we're going to check your rudiments," she informed me. I looked at her blankly.

"Here," she handed me the Scientology dictionary.

"A rudiment," I read, "is that which is used to get the PC in shape to be audited." Rudiments, the dictionary explained, consisted of ARC breaks, PTP's, or W/H's.

I groaned. "Why is it," I complained to her, "that when I read these definitions I end up even more confused?"

"Which word don't you understand?" Kim asked patiently.

"ARC breaks." I started to look it up in the dictionary without being told. "ARC. A word from the initial letters of Affinity, Reality, and Communication which together equate to Understanding. It is pronounced by stating its letters, A-R-C."

"Now look up ARC break," Kim suggested.

I looked over to the next page. "ARC break. A sudden drop or cutting of one's affinity, reality, or communication with someone or something."

"I had the idea," I was thinking out loud, "from listening to people talk around the center that an ARC break meant that you were upset with someone."

"Exactly. If you are in ARC with someone, then you have high affinity with them, in other words you like them a lot. You have high reality with them in that you both have a high level of agreement about most things. And you are able to communicate well because of your shared affinity and reality."

"Look, think of ARC as a triangle with three points for affinity, reality and communication. All three together add up into understanding. Now if any point of the triangle becomes affected, it will in turn affect the other two points."

"So," I was beginning to understand, "if you disagree with someone about something, which would be a lowering of the reality part of the triangle, then there would be less affinity between you and it would be more difficult to communicate."

"Exactly," Kim said. "And as a result there would be less overall understanding between you. That's exactly how it works."

"And if you decided to stop talking to someone, then you would have less affinity for them and there would be less shared reality between you. And if you had less affinity for someone, say maybe they moved away to a different town, then there would be less communication between you and there would be less shared reality. OK, I think I've got it!" I felt triumphant.

"Now, are there any other words in the definition that you didn't understand?" Kim asked.

"Yes," I looked back at the definition, "PTP's." I turned to the P's in the dictionary.

Present Time Problem. A special problem that exists in the physical universe now, on which the PC has his attention fixed.
I looked up at Kim. "So it's just a problem, right, something going on in my life right now?"

"That's right," Kim replied. "That's all there is to it. Now what about W/H's?" (She pronounced it "withholds.")

"I was afraid you were going to ask me that," I laughed, turning to the W's.

Withhold. A withhold is something that the PC did that he isn't talking about; an unspoken, unannounced transgression against a moral code.

"In other words," I paraphrased, "something bad that I did that I haven't told anyone about. That's easy enough! Now can we audit?"

"Sure, let me just clear your rudiments." Kim picked up her pen and began to write on the paper next to her E-meter.

"Do you have an ARC break?" she looked at me intensely with what I now recognized as TR 0.

"If that means being upset with anyone, no, I'm not upset with anyone. Everyone has been very nice," I smiled at her.

"That's clean," she said, checking the meter.

"Now, do you have a present time problem?" she looked again at the meter. "That reads," she looked over at me. "Is there a problem in your life right now?"

"Yes, I guess the fact that I don't have any money. There are some things I need to buy, but I spent all my money on the course. I guess I could call my dad and ask him to send me a small spending allowance. That would solve the problem," I looked over at Kim.

"That's clean," she replied, looking down at the meter.

"Now, do you have any withholds? I get a big read on that. Can you tell me about that?"

"Yeah, I know exactly what it is. I haven't told my parents about my joining the Sea Org. I just don't know how to explain it to them. I mean how do you tell your parents that you just signed up for a billion years in someone's private navy?" I laughed. I thought for a minute. "Maybe I could just tell them that I am working out here for Celebrity Center and just not mention the billion years right away. They wouldn't understand it anyway." I was suddenly aware of how much my thinking had changed in one short week. Things that were important a week ago were much different than the things which were important now.

I sighed. "How do you explain something like Scientology to your parents? Or for that matter to anyone who doesn't know anything about it? It's not exactly easy to explain."

"OK," Kim replied, keeping her TR's in. I knew that according to the TR's, she wasn't allowed to do anything other than just acknowledge what I had originated.

"Well, I'd like to indicate that you had charge on `telling your parents about joining the Sea Org,'" Kim looked down at the meter. "Your needle is floating. We can now begin Dianetics."

"I'm ready!" I looked over at her brightly.

"OK, according to your last session, which was a touch assist you had with Antonio, you complained of a migraine headache. Are there any feelings connected with that?"

I knew by now that in Dianetics, you could only "run" actual feelings. "Migraine headache" was too broad a concept to run as a Dianetic item. "Yes, the feeling is a pain on the top front of my head," I responded. "OK, yes, you got a big read on that. We will run the item, `a pain on the top front of my head,'" Kim announced.

"Now, locate an incident containing `a pain on the top front of your head,'" she commanded.

"Yesterday," I volunteered.

"All right. How long did it last?" she asked.

"Just a couple of hours. It went away while Antonio was doing the touch assist."

"OK, move to the beginning of the incident and tell me when you are there," came the next command.

"I'm there," I said obediently.

"Thank you. What do you see?"

"I see me waking up in the morning with this pain in my head," I responded, my eyes closed, concentrating on the memory.

"All right. Scan through to the end of the incident and tell me what happened."

"Well, I got up, took a shower, and went over to the center to find Antonio. He gave me a touch assist and the headache went away," I told her, the image growing more and more vivid in my mind.

"Is the incident erasing or going more solid?" she asked.

"It's definitely more solid," I replied.

"All right. Locate an earlier incident containing a pain in the top front of your head."

Another picture came to my mind. "OK," I said, my eyes still closed. "This happened a long time ago."

"When was it?" Kim asked softly.

"It was when I was about four." Strange, I thought, I can visualize this picture as clearly as if it happened yesterday.

"OK. How long did it last?"

"A few hours. I had to have some stitches in my forehead," I answered her.

"Move to the beginning of the incident and tell me when you are there."

"OK, I'm there," the picture was getting more vivid.

"Scan through to the end of the incident and tell me what happened," she commanded gently.

"Well, I was four and I was playing with my brother when he hit me in the head with a toy shovel. He hit me really hard. I had to have several stitches in my forehead." I continued to look at the colorful image in my mind.

"Is the incident erasing or going more solid?" she asked.

"Well, I guess it's more solid. I can see it quite vividly," I answered her, my eyes still closed.

"All right. Locate an earlier incident containing a pain in the top front of your head."

I looked into the darkness. "There's nothing there," I told her.

"OK," she answered. "Just keep looking. Just tell me if anything comes to your mind."

I continued to peer into the darkness. "I just don't see anything at all," I told her honestly.

"All right. Let's go back to the incident with your brother. Is that incident erasing or going more solid?" she asked.

"Well, I can still see that one quite clearly," I replied.

"OK, then just see if anything comes to your mind," she said, repeating the last command.

"Well, I just see blackness. I can't see anything. Nothing is coming to my mind." I opened my eyes and blinked at Kim.

"All right," she smiled at me. "We're going to take a break so that I can get some instructions from the C/S."

"Did I do something wrong?" I had the feeling that things hadn't gone the way they should have.

"No," she said as she started to pack up her things. "Sometimes people have trouble at first seeing their past lives. You might have to go for a Review."

"Review?" I asked.

"Yes, there are some special remedies for people who have trouble seeing their past lives. But it doesn't take long, and then I can take you back into session."

We walked back to the center, not talking much on the way back. I had the nagging feeling that I had failed and that Kim was disappointed in me, although she didn't say anything to lead me to that belief.

Back on course, I opened up my study pack to where I had left off. I was just beginning the last section of the course which was called Dianetic Theory. There was a short book to read called Dianetics, Evolution of a Science, by Hubbard. In it, he defines some of the basic Dianetic concepts.

The analytical mind, he writes, functions much like a computer. It has color-visio, tone-audio, odor, tactile and organic memory recall. "It should be able to recall any perception, even the trivial, asleep and awake from the beginning of life to death."

The mind, he says, is actually composed of the memory banks, filed by time. These banks "contain a complete color-video record of a person's whole life. Every perception observed in a lifetime is to be found in the banks."

Then why can't we remember everything?

The answer, according to Hubbard, is the existence of the reactive mind, the record of all painful experiences from a lifetime. Each picture in the reactive mind has as its content pain and/or unconsciousness. It is this mind which keeps the analytical mind from functioning at an optimal level. But, he says, through auditing the reactive mind can be erased.

The memories in the reactive mind are called "engrams" in Dianetics. They can be restimulated later in life by events with similar content.

For example, if two-year-old Mary is knocked over and bitten on the arm by a black dog, seeing a black dog thirty years later might restimulate a mysterious pain in the arm.

According to Dianetic theory, when the person, through auditing, makes the connection between the pain in the arm and the earlier memory and is able to relive the earlier memory, the pain will go away.

According to Hubbard, 90% of all illnesses are psychosomatic in nature, and all will submit to the Dianetic technique. At least, that is the promise of Dianetics.

At the end of the book I found a familiar sounding passage. "Man's efforts" writes Hubbard,

to free man by enslaving him in social and personal aberrations was the wrong equation. The road to nowhere. In the ages past the hold of this slavery of aberration has been broken by the opening up of new lands and the appearance of new races.

But now we've got a science to break it and a technology to be applied.

Up there are the stars. Down in the arsenal is an atom bomb.

Which one is it going to be?

Next I began to read the book Dianetics: Modern Science of Mental Health, by Hubbard. On the inside flap of the book jacket I read,

Dianetic therapy is a new science which works with the invariability of physical science in the field of the human mind. DIANETICS will help the reader to eliminate any psychosomatic illness. DIANETICS will help the reader to achieve up to one third more efficiency than present capacity. DIANETICS is the most advanced and the most clearly presented method of psychotherapy and self-improvement ever discovered.

Psychosomatic ills such as arthritis, migraine, ulcers, allergies, asthma, coronary difficulties (psychosomatic about one third of all heart trouble cases), tendonitis, bursitis, hysterical paralysis, eye trouble have all responded as intended by the therapist, without failure in any case.

In the introduction to the book, the promises continue.

The creation of Dianetics is a milestone for Man comparable to his discovery of fire and superior to his inventions of the wheel and the arch.

Dianetics, (from the Greek dianoua, meaning thought), is the science of the mind. Far simpler than physics or chemistry, it compares with them in the exactness of its axioms and is on a considerably higher echelon of usefulness. The hidden source of all psychosomatic ills and human aberration has been discovered and skills have been developed for their invariable cure.

Dianetics is an adventure. It is an exploration into terra incognita, the human mind, that vast and hitherto unknown region half an inch back of our foreheads.

The discoveries and developments which made the formulation of Dianetics possible occupied many years of exact research and careful testing. The trail is blazed, the routes are sufficiently mapped for you to voyage in safety into your own mind and recover there your full inherent potential, which is not, we now know, low but very, very high.

You are beginning an adventure. Treat it as an adventure. And may you never be the same again.

The goal of Dianetics is the Clear, described in the book as follows:
A CLEAR can be tested for any and all psychoses, neuroses, compulsions and repressions (all aberrations) and can be examined for any autogenetic (self-generated) diseases referred to as psychosomatic ills. These tests confirm the CLEAR to be entirely without such ills or aberrations. Additional tests of his intelligence indicate it to be high above the current norm. Observation of his activity demonstrates that he pursues existence with vigor and satisfaction.

The only Clears I knew were Antonio and Aileen, and they certainly seemed to have no problems, I thought.

At lunch, I told Antonio about my session.

"Antonio, I'm confused about past lives. Are there some people in Scientology who just can't remember their past lives?" I asked, thinking of myself.

"Well, sooner or later it is my experience that everyone will remember their past lives," Antonio said. "For some people it just takes more time." When we got back to the center he handed me a book. "Maybe this will help," he said kindly.

I took the book back to my seat. Have You Lived Before This Life? the cover read. I opened it to the introduction.

"In the past," I started to read,

the term reincarnation has mystified Man. The definition has been corrupted. The word has been taken to mean to be born again in different life forms, whereas its actual definition is to be born again into the flesh or into another body. In order that there can be rebirth, something must enter in. This is the being, the person himself. It is YOU.

The existence of past lives is proven in Scientology.

An adventure awaits you. It is a journey through restored consciousness of ages past. Once regained, your own natural memory of past experiences can never be blotted from your recollection again. Your journey is completely uninhibited by synthetic experiences, drugs or hypnosis of any form, for it is the process of awakeness or awareness, of restored knowledge and clarity of being.

With Scientology you are the judge of your own certainty in your past experiences, because you will know for yourself without reservation what they are. After all, you were there!

The concept of reincarnation and Man's belief in the past and future continuum is as old as Man himself. It can be traced to the beginnings of thirty-one primitive cultures and has dominated almost every religion through history as a pivotal belief.

The Egyptians, Hindus, Buddhists, Jainists, Sikhists, Brahmans, NeoPlatonists, Christians, Romans, Jews and Gnostics all believed in reincarnation and the rebirth cycle.

It was a fundamental belief in the Roman Catholic Church until 553 AD when a company of four monks held the Synod of Constantinople, (without the Pope present) and decided the belief could not exist. They condemned the teachings of reincarnation as heresy and it was at this time that references to it were expunged from the Bible.

Without reference to the subject as the written word, the belief fell to the mystics and spiritualists of the middle ages. These too, were defeated, but the belief persisted and again was rediscovered in the 19th century in the beginnings of psychology.

Freud and Jung acknowledged Man's belief in his own immortality and reincarnation. Their mistake was only in assigning this basic truth to imagination or fantasy.

Today in Scientology, the stigma of the subject has been erased and verification of the existence of past lives is fact.

Through reading this book it is hoped that you will rediscover for yourself the verity of your own existence, no matter how long ago forgotten.

To some these facts may come as a surprise. To others it may be as casual as looking at an old photo album. But to everyone it will be a unique and enlightening adventure into the past, all in the course of discovering a brighter future.

The book consisted of forty two case histories, all of which had been resolved by the remembering of past lives.

I read through some of the case histories.

In one account of a man who complained of chronic fatigue, the problem was resolved when the person remembered having been a coolie in 19th century China.

Another case history reported,

This takes place nine galaxy periods ago. I was a male, born of space parents. At the age of five I was already on the lookout for brothels. At nine years of age I asked my father if I could join the space academy. However, this does not occur until I am fourteen. When I am sixteen I kill my father while fighting on the planet and I join a space ship. I learn all about space ship drills, take-offs, etc. There is homosexuality, as only officers are allowed women.

In another case, the engram "started on a planet of perfection 1,600 years ago. By that I mean everything was orderly and routine. My part on this planet was a sort of engineer in a big power house that supplied the energy by means of beams to feed the machines that were in use for the welfare of the people." The person is eventually killed with a space pistol.

In yet another history, "The incident was located on the E-meter and has happened 3,225 years ago. I was positioned in North Africa near the coast. I was the leader of that sector of the Roman Army. There were only five such sectors in existence, reaching around the coast to Europe." The person later died a mysterious death by inhaling a powder emitted by a white circular object in a cave.

In another report the person said that the incident was "55,000,000,000,000,000,000 years ago. I was in the sea and had thoughts only for Manta rays...."

Another history took place in Italian Somaliland in South Africa in the 17th or 18th century. Another one was in Tibet in 1500 AD. Another took place in 11th century Norway. Another was a monk in England in 1703. Another one experienced a death 2,000,000,000 years ago when he landed by mistake on a planet which had been taken over by "black magic operators." When break was called, I went out and sat by myself at the end of the community log. Kris came over to me.

"You're awfully quiet today. What's up?" She sat down next to me.

"It's all this past life stuff," I shook my head. "I just can't seem to see them. I had a session this morning. When the auditor told me to find an earlier incident, all I could see was darkness. I don't know. I'm not sure whether to believe in this stuff or not." I looked at her with a troubled expression.

"Well, I had trouble at first," Kris admitted. "But after a while I just started seeing them. Once you get used to it it isn't hard at all. But it isn't anything to worry about. I just had the attitude that, well, if I saw anything fine, if I didn't, fine. The only way to know for sure whether they exist for you is just wait and see what happens. No one else can tell you what to believe. Ron even says, "What's true for you is true for you." Just because something is true for me doesn't mean it will be true for you."

"Thanks, I guess." I stared thoughtfully at the sky. "If they're really there, then I want to see them. If I really did live before, then I want to know who I was."

"Don't worry, it'll come," she encouraged me. "I think almost everyone here had the same problem at first, but you get over it."

Just then, I heard my name called from inside the center.

"You are to have a review session," the Supervisor said to me as I approached her desk. "Down the hall, second room to your right."

I followed her directions.

The door was open and a man in his twenties sat with his back to me at a table with an E-meter in the middle of it. I knocked and he looked around. "Hi," he welcomed me. "I'm Brad. I'm going to be giving you a review session. Close the door, please." He indicated for me to sit in the chair opposite him.

"You can pick up the cans. We're just going to start where your auditor left off this morning.

"First we'll fly your ruds," he began, then, seeing that I didn't understand, he laughed and said, "Oh, I'm sorry. That just means I'm going to check your rudiments like your auditor did this morning. ARC break, present time problem, withholds. Remember?"

"Oh, yeah, I remember. I think everything's OK," I told him.

"Well, we'll just check. Do you have an ARC break? You had a read on that. Any idea what it might be?" He looked at me with the now familiar TR 0.

"Well, maybe just that I'm upset that I can't remember my past lives. I've been reading about it all day. Maybe I'm not like everyone else. Maybe I just can't remember," I felt discouraged.

"That's all right. We'll just see what happens. There's nothing to worry about." He seemed unconcerned.

"OK, the feeling you were running was `a pain on the top front of your head,' right? And you remembered an incident when you were four and had stitches in your forehead. Do you remember that incident?" he asked me.

"Oh, sure," I replied, closing my eyes. "I can see it clearly."

"OK, is it erasing or becoming more solid?" he asked.

"It's very clear, I guess it's getting more solid," I answered, concentrating on the mental image.

"That's good," Brad was reassuring. "Now locate an earlier incident containing a pain at the top front of your head. Just take your time and tell me about anything that comes to your mind. Anything at all. Even if it seems silly. Just take your time." I was feeling almost hypnotized by his calm, soothing voice.

"That's it," he continued. "Even if it's just a word that comes to your mind, let me know when you see or think of anything."

"All I see is blackness," I said slowly. "It's black, kind of reddish black. And my head is hurting."

"All right," Brad continued gently. "When was it?"

"I feel like it might be when I was being born," I answered.

"Good," he encouraged me. "Now how long did it last?"

"I don't know, maybe a couple of hours," I guessed.

"OK, now move to the beginning of the incident and tell me when you are there," he commanded gently.

"All right, I guess I'm there," I answered uncertainly.

"OK, what do you see?" he asked.

"Well, I just see this reddish blackness, and it seems like I'm inside of something. I feel like something is pressing all over me. And my head is hurting. It feels like something is squeezing me. It's like I'm being born," I answered.

"Excellent," Brad sounded pleased. "Now move through the incident to a point two hours later and tell me what happened."

I visualized a birth scene. "OK. I just feel this pressure and pain on my head. Then I see this baby being born, and held by the doctor. I see it like I am looking from across the room, but I think it is me that is being born," I continued to look at the image in my mind.

"All right!" Brad sounded genuinely happy. "Now is the incident erasing or going more solid?"

"More solid, I guess. I can see it pretty clearly," I answered him as honestly as I could.

"All right. You're doing fine. Now locate an earlier incident that contains a pain at the top front of your head," he commanded firmly.

I looked again into the darkness. I wondered if it was this hard for everyone. I still didn't see anything.

"Nothing. I don't see anything. I'm trying but I don't see anything at all. Just blackness." I felt like a failure.

"That's OK," Brad encouraged. "Just keep your eyes closed and tell me anything that comes into your mind. Anything at all. An image, or a word, it can be anything at all. Don't try to force it, let it come up naturally."

I peered into the darkness in my mind. Then I thought of something. "A horse. It's a horse. I see a horse," I looked at the developing image in my mind.

"OK," Brad answered cautiously, "can you see anything alse?"

"I just see this horse. I am riding on it, galloping across a field."

"Good. That's good," Brad said confidently. "Now, when was it?"

"I don't known. I guess sometime in the eighteenth century," I gave the first thing that came into my mind.

"OK, how long did it last?" Brad asked.

"Not long, I think just a few minutes," again, saying the first thing that came to my mind.

"All right. Now move to the beginning of the incident and tell me when you are there."

I tried to follow his command.

"What do you see?" he asked me.

"Well, I see myself in this stable. I think it's in England. There is a big stone castle. This man is helping me onto a horse. I think it's my father. I feel like he loves me very much. It seems like he is warning me about something. To be careful. He knows I am still very inexperienced at riding and he is telling me to be careful and not to try to go too fast," the picture is developing before my eyes as I speak.

"All right," Brad continues quietly, "now scan through to the end of the incident."

I sit in silence trying to see the scene before my eyes.

"OK." I look up at Brad.

"Tell me what happened."

I close my eyes again. "Well, I get on this horse and I am riding across these fields. I am feeling really wonderful. I love the feeling of freedom I have as I ride through the beautiful countryside. We are coming to a brook. I kick the horse, spurring him on to jump over the brook. I lose control. The horse is galloping really fast, and I lose control of the reins. The next thing I know I am falling into the brook, and I hit my head on a rock. I feel the cold water across my face, but then I lose consciousness. I think I died." I open my eyes and look up at Brad.

"Do you think that really happened?" I ask him. "It's not just my imagination?"

"I am not allowed to evaluate for you," Brad says matter of factly. "That would be a violation of the Auditor's Code. All I can tell you is that what is true for you is true for you. And I am also not allowed to invalidate you. The test of it will be whether your migraines disappear. There may, however, be other somatics involved in your migraines. You will have to audit them one at a time," he looked across the table at me and smiled.

"Is the last picture erasing or going more solid?" he continued with the process.

"I think it's erasing." The picture was getting smaller and smaller. I started to laugh. "One summer my parents took me on vacation to a ranch in Texas. We rode horses every day. I was miserable through that whole vacation. Come to think of it, I had a migraine on that trip. Now I understand why!"

"I would like to indicate that your needle is floating," Brad informed me. He continued to smile at me.

"OK, end of session!" he said in a loud voice.

"You can put down the cans." He reached for the cans and turned off his meter.

"Let's go find the examiner," he said as he followed me out of the room. At the end of the hall there was a very small room, a closet actually, with the Examiner sign above the door.

I heard a voice, "Just a minute!" and looked back to see a young girl running toward me.

"You first," she pointed me into the room. I sat down and picked up the cans. "Your needle is floating," she informed me with a smile. "That's it," she said and I put down the cans. "You can go back to class now."

I sat down and thought about the session I'd just had. I thought about the girl riding through the English countryside. It seemed real enough, I thought. Is it possible? I remembered how we used to sit and read Edgar Cayce books back at the coffee house. I can't wait to tell them about this, I thought. I can go back and tell them there is a way they can remember their own past lives. They'll love it!

After my "review" with Brad, I had no more trouble with past lives.

The next morning I once again followed Kim to her apartment. After we were situated and she had done the required rudiments check, she looked at me earnestly.

"Are there any other feelings associated with having a migraine?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied immediately. I get this awful feeling of nausea in my stomach."

"That reads," she looked at me triumphantly. "We're going to run `a feeling of nausea in your stomach.'"

Again we went through the Dianetics procedure, command by command. I was able to recall several times during this lifetime when I had had the nausea. Then she asked for an earlier incident.

"Yeah, I see something. I'm in another city and I'm in a room underground. I'm a prisoner and I'm dying," I answered her.

"When was it?" Kim asked.

"I think it was around 520 BC," I answered.

"OK. How long did it last?"

"It lasted for a couple of hours," I answered, again seeing a picture develop before my eyes.

"Move to the beginning of the incident and tell me when you are there."

"OK, I'm there."

"All right, scan through to the end of the incident."

A few minutes of quiet. "OK, I'm at the end."

"What happened?"

"I was a prisoner. In Greece. They gave me some poison to drink. It made me really sick to my stomach. Finally I die."

"OK, is the incident erasing or going more solid?"

"More solid."

"OK. Locate an earlier incident containing a feeling of nausea in your stomach."

I looked into the darkness. This time the picture came right away. It was getting easier and easier.

"I am in some kind of implant station."

"All right. What is the date of the incident?"

"About 35,000 BC."

"Good. How long did it last?"

"Not long. It all happened really fast. A few seconds."

"OK. Move to the beginning of the incident and tell me when you are there."

"I'm there," I cooperated.

"Good. Now scan through to the end of the incident and tell me what happened."

"OK. Well, I am in this implant station. It's all grey inside. I feel like I am spinning around and around. While I am spinning around I am being shown all these pictures. The spinning gets faster and faster and then I am unconscious. That's all there is. It's an implant."

The picture is erasing. I open my eyes and look at Kim. "I guess that's why I never like carnival rides that go around like that. They make me sick to my stomach."

Kim ends the session and we head for the examiner. After one more successful session she will graduate from the course. She is happy.

That was how we did Dianetics. That is how people in Scientology are doing Dianetics today. At different times during my career in Scientology I "relived" a birth in 1896, I served in the French Resistance during the Second World War, I was a soldier in the Roman army in 200 AD, I studied medicine in Egypt, I lived as a caveman in the jungle, I died of the plague in the Middle Ages, I was a prehistoric animal in 14027050, I survived a whole series of interesting implants, I lived many lives and died many deaths on other planets and in other times. I was a villain, a nun, an Indian, an artist, a particle out in space, and many other things. In one life, I learned to my amusement, I did know Beethoven. I filed that away to tell Julie when I saw her again. So that was how we did Dianetics.

That is how 40,000 people in this country and approximately 100,000 people in other countries are doing Dianetics today. "May you never be the same again," Hubbard hoped for us all. I probably never was.

As the time passed for me in the sheltered and protective womb of Scientology, and as I had more and more auditing, the reality of the "outside world" ceased to exist for me and the only reality I knew or cared about was that contained within Scientology.

The lines between this strange reality and mere fantasy became increasingly blurred over the years as I was subjected to more and more auditing and more and more of the propaganda of Scientology. I eventually regressed to a state of mind that was, for all practical purposes, psychotica psychosis which had its roots in the psychologically destructive, mind numbing and reality-blurring practice of Dianetic auditing that I received during my very first days in Scientology.

Scientology was, for me, truly the road to nowhere.

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