the olestra-haiku log

I thought these, um, deserved their own venue. You probably want Corey's Olestra haiku page anyway. (Or the everything-but-Olestra haiku log, maybe.)

Peter Weyhrauch (pww) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 20:59]
Olestra my love,
Take me down the road to health.
Ack -- constant dripping!

Corey Kosak (kosak) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:01]
This anal leakage--
Not bad, one gets used to it
More potato chips!

Peter Weyhrauch (pww) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:02]
Vitamin Packers
Cannot undo the pain of ...
Malnutrition, Stain

Corey Kosak (kosak) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:04]
You refer to it
As fecal incontinence
For me, it's----Freedom

James M Stichnoth (stichnot) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:06]
Constant dilemma:
Stairmaster or bathroom stall?
Olestra twinkie

Corey Kosak (kosak) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:08]
Greasy, slimey chips
My gut does not absorb them
They pass through unchanged

Peter Weyhrauch (pww) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:11]
There once was a man from Canart,
The champion master of Fart,
Gangooli put 'lestra
In the man's Bouef d'Fenestra,
We're wet, he's upset -- no Art.

Corey Kosak (kosak) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:12]
Olestra twinkies
Continuous anal leak
No more need to shit

James M Stichnoth (stichnot) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:16]
Brown streak in boxers;
Guys in locker room laugh at
Olestra victim.

Peter Weyhrauch (pww) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:16]
Olestra junkie,
Rating, Consumer Reports?
Thumbs Down -- Free At Last!

David Steere (dcs) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:17]
Olestra eaters
no problemo here, my man
we wear plastic pants

James M Stichnoth (stichnot) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:18]
Fecal urgency
strikes in movie theater;
recycled popcorn

Corey Kosak (kosak) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:18]
Western dilemma:
Fat pariah, or stained shorts?
I choose the latter

Peter Weyhrauch (pww) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:19]
Pie-eyed children roam
Freely, seek the little fix
they need -- Olestra.

David Steere (dcs) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:21]
Slurp it down, yummy
Drink velveeta like water
No more grunting poops

David Steere (dcs) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:24]
O fries make me ill
All that starch. Eat Olestra
Feel it slide right through

Peter Weyhrauch (pww) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:27]
Olestra, like Crack,
pushes all people down the
crapper -- but faster.

Peter Weyhrauch (pww) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:28]
The road to hell is
paved with the good intentions
of chemical love.

James M Stichnoth (stichnot) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:30]
Feel flood coming on
Sphincter tactility smooth
Hmmm, perhaps too smooth

David Steere (dcs) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:31]
Olestra, a sign
of modern times approaching:
Brown rivers flowing

Peter Weyhrauch (pww) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:31]
Lovely wedding day,
Bride is beautiful in white ...
Brown streak -- must get out!

David Steere (dcs) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:33]
A statement of love
thin thighs, flat belly, no waist
olestra mama

Corey Kosak (kosak) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:33]
Olestra twinkie--
Sometimes regular twinkie
Keeps anus guessing

Peter Weyhrauch (pww) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:35]
Body Craves Slipping
Sounds and Feeling Fresh: Answer,
Olestra Twinkie.

David Steere (dcs) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:35]
what are we doing
killing ourselves to look thin
mother nature, help!

Peter Weyhrauch (pww) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:36]
Brown river of guilt
Tells more truth than therapy:
I can't live with me.

David Steere (dcs) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:39]
chemical goop to
loosen your poop. olestra...
you have to ask why...

David Steere (dcs) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:42]
keep the creative
juices flowing. these haiku
help me avoid work

Corey Kosak (kosak) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:43]
Once fat pariah,
now svelte--yet my leaky ass
still keeps love at bay

James M Stichnoth (stichnot) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:45]
Child pariah cries
Bullies force-fed Olestra
He couldn't hold it

David Steere (dcs) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:46]
my life swirling down
the bowl, just as all I ate
once did. olestra

Peter Weyhrauch (pww) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:47]
Proud Canola Man,
Display your sparkling fresh ass.
"Olestra? Never!"

Peter Weyhrauch (pww) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:48]
Proud Olestra Man
Thin, beautiful, and fun ... "O
lestra forever!"

David Steere (dcs) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:50]
lose inches quickly
not just from fat reduction,
all that running too.

David Steere (dcs) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:51]
Olestra, eat all
the fat you want, but better
fix the plumbing first

James M Stichnoth (stichnot) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:52]
Is that a woman?
Or maybe a butterfly.
Modern Rorschach Test.

Justin Lyon Boyan (jab) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:52]
Not fruit but cheesecake
Eat I; yet th'Olestra stains
My Fruit of the Loom.

Jonathan Hardwick (jch) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:54]
Someone should put these on a web page, to preserve them for posterity.

Corey Kosak (kosak) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:55]
that is my secret plan...

David Steere (dcs) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:56]
this tastes delicious,
but sorry, gotta run. O-
lestra is calling

Jonathan Hardwick (jch) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:57]
My bowl overflows
with food -- just like my bowels.
Damn that Olestra.

David Steere (dcs) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 21:59]
slurp slurp, gimme more
I feel like a grease comet
trailing brownish foam

Jonathan Hardwick (jch) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 22:01]
The hostess squirms with
shame (and stains). Shrimp salad has
too much Olestra!

Jonathan Hardwick (jch) (haiku.olestra.d) [21-Jan-1996, 22:02]
Imagine the scene.
Farmer Jim's buried in shit.
Fed cows Olestra.

David Steere (dcs) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 22:03]
please this is enough!
How can I work with this noise
go and shit elsewhere.

Corey Kosak (kosak) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 22:04]
Her sexy figure
Genes or anorexia?
Check shorts: olestra

Jonathan Hardwick (jch) (haiku.olestra.d) [21-Jan-1996, 22:04]
Ah but such a noise!
No constipated blasts here --
Just gentle dribbles.

Justin Lyon Boyan (jab) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 22:05]
A man went to eat in a Restaura',
Where Crisco was swapped for Olestra.
He loosened his belt
(Something funny he smelt)
And he found in his pants quite a messtra.

Jonathan Hardwick (jch) (haiku.olestra.d) [21-Jan-1996, 22:07]
Ahh! Haiku no more,
I fear I'm olestra'd out.
Now must do laundry.

James M Stichnoth (stichnot) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 22:07]
No wedding night bliss:
Stains sighted, partner sickened.
Virginity stays.

Justin Lyon Boyan (jab) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 22:09]
Olestra cut
One syllable per line.
Yet none saved, `cuz:


David Steere (dcs) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 22:10]
anus quivering
but then, calories are gone
spiraling downward

Jonathan Hardwick (jch) (haiku.olestra.d) [21-Jan-1996, 22:10]
How long must we wait?
Eliza must do haiku
about Olestra.

Peter Weyhrauch (pww) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 22:16]
I used to be ugly, and fat,
and my life was going down the tubes.
But I got really, really sick of that,
I wanted something more...

Olestra is my savior,
Olestra is my friend,
But if I am not careful,
It'll get me in the end.

It started in the kitchen,
A revolution sprang from glory,
So I got really, really bitchen',
And this is my true story...


My first date was with Lisa,
I thought everything was perfect,

too tired, cannot finish ...

Corey Kosak (kosak) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 22:19]
My first date was with Lisa,
I thought everything was perfect,
But my ass felt a little greas-a,
And soon I was a reject

Peter Weyhrauch (pww) (haiku.olestra) [21-Jan-1996, 22:20]
Olestra is my savior,
Olestra is my friend,
But if I am not careful,
It'll get me in the end.

Justin Boyan (jab) (haiku.olestra) [24-Jan-1996, 13:10]
Popping my button.
Better switch to Olestra.
Pants full, but stay on.

Bridget Spitznagel (sprite) (haiku.olestra.d.d) [24-Jan-1996, 13:14]
olestra haiku
thread is not dead, just trickling
slower at times? hm..

Scott Davies (scottd) (haiku.olestra) [24-Jan-1996, 13:16]
A thousand and one
Scatological zephyrs --
Horse flogged quite well, thanks

(Actually, I still think they're funny. Never mind.)

Corey Kosak (kosak) (haiku.olestra) [24-Jan-1996, 13:18]
The Olestra page still needs your submissions!

Mismatching son (tfm) (haiku.olestra) [24-Jan-1996, 16:21]
Olestra's okay
According to Food and Drug
Haiku hits the fan

Jonathan Hardwick (jch) (haiku.olestra) [24-Jan-1996, 16:24]
FDA says go,
Eat all Olestra you want!
Adult diapers boom.

Mismatching son (tfm) (haiku.olestra) [24-Jan-1996, 16:27]
Olestra, baby!
Anagrams: By astrolabe
It travels quickly

Peter Weyhrauch (pww) (haiku.olestra) [24-Jan-1996, 16:32]
Just gone OLESTRA

Seal Envy (snl) (haiku.olestra) [24-Jan-1996, 18:25]
olestra reamed me
my guts are hollow inside
drip drip drip drip drip

Seal Envy (snl) (haiku.olestra) [24-Jan-1996, 18:27]
a potato chip
seemed like the right thing to eat
but now i leak goo

Seal Envy (snl) (haiku.olestra) [24-Jan-1996, 18:29]
[last one, i promise]
the government thinks:
a populace that drips grease
is easily tracked

Bridget Spitznagel (sprite) (haiku.olestra) [24-Jan-1996, 18:35]
(hm, have to prevent that..)
septic-type hookups
(like trailer parks) suitable
for olestra folks?

Seal Envy (snl) (haiku.olestra) [24-Jan-1996, 18:37]
[okay, you called me out]
you propose cables
hooked up to all our assholes
and call it progress?

Mark Thomas (mthomas) (haiku.olestra) [24-Jan-1996, 18:40]
a funny web page
laughed so hard I shit my shorts
must be olestra

Mark Thomas (mthomas) (haiku.olestra) [24-Jan-1996, 18:47]
Fake fat and sugar:
Olestra and Nutrasweet
Lemmings to the sea

Seal Envy (snl) (haiku.olestra) [24-Jan-1996, 18:53]
olestra survives
our digestive tracks intact
why not reuse it?

Mark Thomas (mthomas) (haiku.olestra) [24-Jan-1996, 18:58]
Our favorite aid
Pepto Bismal bids farewell
Olestra's our cure

David gator Rochberg (rochberg) (haiku.olestra) [24-Jan-1996, 19:20]
Olestra is my
savior, but now the toilet
is my nemesis

Pete Su (psu) (haiku.olestra) [25-Jan-1996, 11:39]
mthomas clearly
needs more of a life than he
actually has

Mark Thomas (mthomas) (haiku.olestra) [25-Jan-1996, 11:43]
Forty minute ride
on PAT; nothing else to do;
thus I write haiku

Bridget Spitznagel (sprite) (haiku homepage.delayed) [ 1-Feb-1996, 10:17]
Olestra haiku
disqualified, they have no
seasonal words, neh?

I'm nigh Scotsman (tfm) (haiku homepage.delayed) [ 1-Feb-1996, 10:21]
Olestra Winter:
White substance keeps coming down
Straight through to sewer

I'm nigh Scotsman (tfm) (haiku homepage.delayed) [ 1-Feb-1996, 10:31]
Olestra Springtime:
Earth brings forth new shoots with help
From fertilizer

I'm nigh Scotsman (tfm) (haiku homepage.delayed) [ 1-Feb-1996, 10:32]
Olestra Summer:
Can't wear short shorts anymore
Depends too bulky

I'm nigh Scotsman (tfm) (haiku homepage.delayed) [ 1-Feb-1996, 10:32]
Olestra Autumn:
Things turn to brown, fall away
Foliage does too

David gator Rochberg (rochberg) (olestra.cartoon.haiku) [ 1-Feb-1996, 13:22]
Sean tries olestra
Seems fine at first, but little does
he know what awaits.

Corey Kosak (kosak) (olestra.haiku.received-mail.who-says-cmu-is-irrelevant?) [21-Feb-1996, 13:53]
hey, you. your olestra haiku page made the rounds here at
netscape. i sent it to a friend who is a suit at p&g
headquarters in cincinnati. too bad he's too chicken to
send it around. :)

--- Forwarded mail

Very impressive list of haiku...I didn't know that Olean (as we at THE
COMPANY call it) was such an inspiration with the literary class. I didn't
share any with the big boys downtown, though, since they aren't allowed to
have a sense of humor. (I've had to camoflage mine with a bit of make-up
every morning just to be let in the building)

---End of forwarded mail

Seal Envy (snl) (olestra.haiku.received-mail.who-says-cmu-is-irrelevant?) [21-Feb-1996, 13:58]
olestra haiku
leaks out, just like the substance
suits freak, crap their pants

Seal Envy (snl) (ukiah.itiffarg) [21-Feb-1996, 14:04]
olestra haiku --
the winds of change blow, baby
watch out for puddles

I'm nigh Scotsman (tfm) (weather.temp.haiku.olestra) [11-Mar-1996, 09:28]
will the winter chill
badly affect eaters of
olestra? (Ice jam)

Longer logger hens (ghn) (weather.temp.haiku.olestra.environment) [11-Mar-1996, 09:37]
we use olestra
our waste into the rivers
then they flow smoothly

Longer logger hens (ghn) (weather.temp.haiku.olestra.environment) [11-Mar-1996, 09:43]
will our carelessness
give nature a way to cure
her constipation?

Paul W Placeway (pwp) (olestra.haiku) [11-Apr-1996, 10:08]
Olestra Haiku
Many variations here
Sphincter on the mind

Scott Draves (spot) (olestra) [ 2-May-1996, 13:53]
> Which leads us to... Spam WITH Olestra haikus

> Pink blob of wonder.
> Percolates through my organs.
> Bubbles out my ass.

Jonathan Hardwick (jch) (olestra.haiku) [11-Jul-1996, 15:27]
Proctor and Gamble
are scared shitless of this page.
Too much Olestra?

David Steere (dcs) (haiku.submission) [19-Jul-1996, 17:09]
Blow rains, darkening
liquid dripping down. Storm? No,
Olean strikes again.

Jonathan Hardwick (jch) ( title because it's friday) [19-Jul-1996, 17:34]
bathroom overflows
now a river runs through it
olean escaping

Corey Kosak (kosak) (haiku) [30-Jul-1996, 13:25]

now taking submissions for joint Kevorkian/Olestra haiku. To get the
ball rolling:
Patient thirty-one
wanted something different:
Olean injection

Jim Zelenka (jimz) (haiku) [30-Jul-1996, 13:28]
Chips with Olestra
My intestines in bondage
Now they may run free

Robert OCallahan (roc) (haiku) [30-Jul-1996, 13:31]
Any last requests?
Olestra orgy over
wake up, time to die

Jonathan Hardwick (jch) (haiku.d) [30-Jul-1996, 13:31]
A messy way to
go, but he died with a smile.
Pampers-lined coffin.

Mismatching son (tfm) (haiku.d) [30-Jul-1996, 13:43]
A patient from Kalamazoo
Sought the service of Doc You-know-who
"Slip me the Olestra
And watch as the rest o'
Me life slowly slips down the loo."

Jonathan Hardwick (jch) (olestra.haiku) [22-Jan-1997, 23:48]
Too much Olestra
Pain bloating gas hurts oh god
But I'm on ER!

(go to my front-door page)
19 Jan 2002