---------------------- Forwarded by Vince J Kaminski/HOU/ECT on 03/23/2001 
04:04 PM ---------------------------


"Scott Adams <dilbertnewsletter@unitedmedia.com>" <2.271.9c-HVun_VPyyWcR.1 on 
03/22/2001 11:18:29 PM
To: vkamins@ect.enron.com
cc:  
Subject: Dilbert Newsletter 33.0


Dilbert Newsletter 33.0
-----------------------


To:     Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From:   Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)
Date:   March 2001

(You've been randomly selected to get the newsletter early. This
means you can be one of the first to test the Daily Dilbert! See
below for details.)


   Highlights:
------------------------------------------------
- Shakespeare Debunked
- Daily Dilbert by E-mail
- Induhvidual Debating Techniques
- True Tales of Induhviduals
- Dogbert Answers My Mail
------------------------------------------------


DNRC Update
-----------

The DNRC has a whopping 330,000 members, each one so shockingly
attractive and intelligent that he or she can be used as a
defibrillator.  If you see someone whose heart has stopped, yell
"clear" then press your hands on the person's chest (do not make
the "honk-honk" sound if the victim is female) then start telling a
witty joke.  This method has never actually started anyone's heart,
but sometimes the bystanders get a kick out of it.

After Dogbert conquers the world you will have dominion over the
so-called In-duh-viduals. A DNRC member suggests that Induhviduals
above the age of 18 be called adolts.  I like that.  I propose that
the ones under 18 be called juvenile duh-linquents.


Dilbert by E-mail Program
-------------------------

By popular demand, Dilbert strips can now be delivered to you by
e-mail every day (Monday - Saturday). If your evil employer is
monitoring your web use, this is the answer for you.  Start every
day with Dilbert in your inbox.

Follow this link to subscribe to The Daily Dilbert:

http://ummail4.unitedmedia.com:80/Click?q=b2-M4xwQX0t3ZhgMI1izoikpsRR


Note: This link has been customized for your e-mail address. If you
forward this e-mail, the recipient will be able to change your
Dilbert Newsletter subscription.



Shakespeare Hoax
----------------

I have come to the unsettling realization that Shakespeare was an
Induhvidual.  In case you haven't read any Shakespeare since you
were a gullible child, here's a little sampling of the Great Bard's
work from Macbeth:

-- start --

"That which hath made them drunk hath made me bold;
What hath quench'd them hath given me fire.
Hark! Peace!
It was the owl that shriek'd, the fatal bellman,
Which gives the stern'st good-night. He is about it:
The doors are open; and the surfeited grooms
Do mock their charge with snores: I have drugg'd their possets,
That death and nature do contend about them,
Whether they live or die."

-- end --

Now, maybe someone drugg'd my posset, but I'm fairly certain that
none of that makes any sense.

When I was a kid, if something made no sense to me, I assumed the
problem was on my end. But now that I am an adult, and I know
everything there is to know, I realize that the source of most
confusion is Induhviduals - sometimes economists, occasionally
poltergeists, but mostly Induhviduals.

Maybe the word "bard" meant something different a few hundred years
ago and that's what caused the confusion - as in, "He was so full
of bard you could grow squash in his earholes."

Or maybe some Irish people attended Shakespeare's plays and said
they were BORED, but it came out sounding like BARD to the English.
That could've happened.

There's really no excuse for Shakespeare's shoddy work.  If you
were Shakespeare, and you had nothing to do all day but sit around
in huge pants and write plays, don't you think you could at least
make them comprehensible?  To me, that seems like the minimum
requirement for a play: The audience should have a vague idea of
what the actors are saying.

I'm certain that the fans of Shakespeare will tell me I would enjoy
his work if only I took the time to understand it.  But that's like
saying I would love polka music if I took the time to translate it
in my head into the sound of a band I like.

I guess I just expect more from my bards.


Induhvidual Debating Technique
------------------------------

Lately I have found myself in e-mail discussions with Induhviduals
who employ debating tactics that are very similar.  I suspect they
are learning these methods in some sort of top-secret Induhvidual
training facility.

The Induhvidual debating technique involves four steps:

1.    Exaggerate your opponent's statement into an absurd absolute.

2.    Make an inappropriate analogy.
3.    Change the topic to something easier to defend.
4.    Claim victory.

For example:


Me:           Vegetables are good for you.

Induhvidual:  That's ridiculous.  If you ate a truckload of
              vegetables all at once you would die.

Me:           No one eats a truckload all at once.

Induhvidual:  Let me give you an analogy. If you tried to swim
              across the ocean, and you didn't know how to swim,
              and you had no arms or legs, you'd never make it.
              Surely you can agree with that.

Me:           Um...that's different.

Induhvidual:  Ha!  So now you agree with me that swimming is good
              exercise!

The worst part is that not only will you be frustrated at your
inability to make your point, you will be branded as the person who
thinks swimming is bad exercise.



True Tales of Induhviduals
--------------------------

Here are some more True Tales of Induhviduals as reported by
brilliant and observant DNRC members.

True Tale 1
-----------

My company posted a notice next to the time clock.  It said the
company calendar had a typo, that the union-won holiday wasn't
really a holiday at all.  The company blamed the printer for this
mistake.  (Nice try.)

But that's not the funny part.  The first line of the notice said,
"Please Take Notice." So the guy standing next to me took it.


True Tale 2
-----------

There are two doors in the restroom at work.  One is the exit and
the other, on the other side of the room, is a closet.  The closet
door is clearly labeled "closet."

The other day I was using the restroom and I heard an Induhvidual
open a door and exclaim, "Darn it! That's the closet again!"

True Tale 3
-----------

My boss had recently learned how to use spreadsheet software.  He
proudly called me into his office to show me a new trick he'd
learned. At one point during his demonstration he was moving his
mouse toward himself and it reached the edge of his desk. I watched
in amazement as he deftly rolled his mouse around the edge of the
desk and underneath.

I stifled my giggling and politely said, "You know, you don't need
to do that with the mouse." Whereupon he took offense and said, "I
know.  I usually grab a book and put it next to the desk and roll
the mouse onto it, but I just can't reach my books right now."  I
said, "Yeah, that's what I do," and excused myself before I broke a
rib trying not to laugh.

True Tale 4
-----------

I attend one of the top universities in the UK.  My housemate
recently surpassed his usual high standard of stupidity.  He needed
to open a bottle.  After hanging around looking helpless, someone
handed him a wine opener (the corkscrew type) that had a bottle
opener on one end.  My housemate disappeared for five minutes and
reappeared with an apologetic look on his face.  "I've broken it.
I'm sorry."

Under questioning he confessed that he had been trying to screw the
corkscrew through the top of the metal bottle cap.


True Tale 5
-----------

A VP of our company stood up at our company meeting and asked all
employees to look over the new website to make sure it was
"grammerly correct."


True Tale 6
-----------

My friend asked to be moved to a cubicle in a quieter place in the
office and her manager agreed. A couple of days later, the office
manager came by her new cube, distressed. He said that he had
really messed up because he gave her a cube that was too big for
her level/title in the company. Her cube was for a P-2 engineer
while she was only a P-1. The difference in size was only two
inches, but still, something had to be done.

A few days later, the office manager returned and said that to fix
the problem, my friend would be promoted to P-2 so she would then
be in the right size cube.

True Tale 7
-----------

Recently the Southern Hemisphere was treated to a total lunar
eclipse. During this event one Induhvidual standing in my street
suggested that we photograph it. Someone explained that the moon
would be difficult to photograph because it was completely darkened
by the shadow of Earth.  Her response was, "What about if I use the
flash?"

True Tale 8
-----------

A customer returned to our wireless phone store with the phone she
had recently purchased.  She complained that the phone worked fine
for the first two days and then suddenly went dead. I asked her how
long she had charged the battery.  She replied, "What do you mean,
charge?"

Upon further interrogation it became clear that she thought the
one- year warranty on the battery meant it would last that long.


True Tale 9
-----------

This is a True Tale that involves a sign I spotted nailed to a tree
along a dirt road somewhere in Iowa:


          I lost 75 lbs.
          Free Samples!
            555-1212


True Tale 10
------------

I recently went into a pizza shop in Katoomba (near Sydney,
Australia) that advertised, "log fire inside."  Next to the fully
enclosed, glass-fronted firebox was a sign, "Please don't touch the
fire."


True Tale 11
------------

I work at a secure R&D facility in the electronics industry. One
day a sign at the guard's desk located in the front lobby said,
"Guard is on rounds.  Visitors wait here!"

Being an upstanding DNRC member, I took it upon myself to add (in
big, bold letters) "...and don't steal my laptop!!!"


True Tale 12
------------

About four years ago we had a multiple choice test for one of our
digital design subjects.  A friend of mine had no clue in this
subject but could clearly see the answers of the person to his
left. So he copied them.

At the end of the exam we were informed that there were
TWO tests, alternating by row!  He had cheated off the wrong test!

But he got a good grade anyway!!  Why?  Because the person he had
cheated off had cheated off the person sitting next to him! Moral
of the story: Two Induhviduals make a right.


True Tale 13
------------

The other day at the gas station, while waiting in line to pay for
my gas, I commented to another customer how expensive gasoline had
become.  Her reply was, "You know, it doesn't really affect me; I
always put in twenty dollars every time I gas up."

True Tale 14
------------

I was in a meeting with a manager - one of those meetings where the
sole purpose is for her to make a speech and everyone to be
impressed - and she showed an example of how the figures would be
added up. It became apparent that she had no idea how you add or
subtract negative numbers.  I pointed out that the result of her
first example was wrong. What followed was a lively debate on how
you are meant to add or subtract negative numbers.  The prevailing
opinion was that there wasn't just one correct way of doing it, so
all the different manufacturers of calculators went with their own
conventions. I was told that my calculator worked differently than
hers. (And how many meetings have you been to that included a
concurrent test of two calculators?)

The meeting ended with her bemoaning the fact that she wasn't
getting any "buy-in" for her idea. A few days later she received,
anonymously, a picture of Prof. Stephen Hawking, with the caption,
"You must be at least this smart to invent your own branch of
math."

True Tale 15
------------

An Induhvidual in my physics class did his math with a pen. He had
to use lots of Liquid Paper to cover the mistakes. It was
recommended to him that he use a pencil. The next day I saw him
covering his pencil marks with Liquid Paper.


True Tale 16
------------

A few days ago I went to the copy place.  I needed 80 copies. The
guy told me that if I made fewer than 100 copies, each copy would
cost 4 cents. But if I made at least 100 copies I would get the
discounted rate of 2 cents per copy.

I told him to make 80 copies of the front of the document and make
20 copies of the blank back. I could use the blank paper later on
for other purposes. He probably never thought of this situation
before; he gave me an angry look but copied the documents anyway.


True Tale 17
------------

While waiting for a subway train, I overhead a woman complain
about the service: "I leave my apartment every day at the same
time, and every day I'm fifteen minutes late for work."


True Tale 18
------------

This is a direct quote from a newsletter I just received. It is the
summer vacation edition and includes this tip on a list of
"Luggage-Packing Secrets of the Pros."

     "SECRET TIP #3: Double the security of luggage padlocks
     with economical electrical ties. Since they must be cut
     to be removed, they're tamper-evident. (Remember to pack
     scissors!)"


Um...and where do you pack those scissors?


True Tale 19
------------

After pulling a ditsy temp secretary off phone duty (she put my
phone number instead of the caller's on phone messages), I assigned
her to something safe: labeling files.  This task did not include
the filing itself, which would have required a thorough grasp of
the alphabet; it only involved affixing colorful self-adhesive
labels to the outside edge of each file indicating the contract
number. The Induhvidual cheerfully labeled throughout the
afternoon, completing 150 files.  The next day, my regular
secretary asked why our files had been sealed closed with colorful
self-adhesive labels.

True Tale 20
------------

This is one I actually heard several years ago.

      "We've got to separate the weed from the shaft."


Invent Your Own Folk Saying
----------------------------

Sometimes I sit around inventing clever folk sayings in case I ever
need them.  Here are some of the ones I've come up with.  You might
have seen some of these in Dilbert books.

     I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip.

     He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival.

     I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake.

     He changed more times than a baby in a beer-drinking contest.

     I was more nervous than a fan store owner with a comb-over.

     He was tenser than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day.



If you have any good ones of your own, send them to me at
scottadams@aol.com. I'll publish the best ones in the next
newsletter.



Dilberito
---------

I've been reading a lot about Mad Cow disease.  Scientists aren't
sure what's causing it.  My theory is that the cows are mad because
we keep eating them.

The obvious solution is to eat Dilberitos instead.  They're
vegetarian, yummy, and have 100% of your daily values of vitamins
and minerals.  Check Dilberito.com for availability.

If your college cafeteria doesn't carry them yet, see if your
credits can be transferred to someplace that does.


Why Scott Never Gets Invited To Parties
----------------------------------------

If you have Windows Media Player, find out why I don't get invited
to many parties.  Go to the Lycos VideoCenter:

http://video.lycos.com/vm.asp?vm=1545450&e=15J8mtXhojuMA&r=0



Lazy Entrepreneur
------------------
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/lazyentrepreneur/


The ideas are pouring in to my new web site feature, The Lazy
Entrepreneur, at Dilbert.com.  Here are a few samples.  I edited
them for brevity.


Screamin' Fork!
Submitted by MattTheStampede

A fork that screams whenever you stab your food! Ha ha! Now you'll
think twice about eating that prime rib!

[Editor's note: A fork that oinks would be good for diets.]

---

Intelligent Coffee Cup
Submitted by Lambertbert

A smart coffee cup with a flexible LCD display around the outside.
A small electronics module in the handle controls the display and
interfaces to your PC to download images and programs.

Now your coffee cup can display your next appointment, the date and
time, today's Dilbert strip, time until next cup of coffee, today's
menu, the webcam at home, etc.

---


Traffic Light Progress Bar
Submitted by AndrewTaylor

I'd like to see about ten little lights down the right hand side of
traffic lights, that go out one-by-one, to let you know when the
light is going to change to green.


---


"Best If Used Before" Date for Clothes
Submitted by outoffashion

Men's clothes should have a "best if used before" date so you know
when you're out of style.





Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------

In this section Dogbert answers the mail that I am too polite to
answer myself.  These are all based on real e-mail.  The names have
been changed to make them funnier.


Dear Mr. Adams,

My boyfriend enjoys your comics.  I usually give him Dilbert books
for presents, and I was wondering if you had any books that would
be an appropriate fit for Valentine's Day?



          Heather



Dear Heavybreather,

It's a bit late, but I recommend the latest Dilbert compilation, A
Treasury of Sundays.  If that doesn't put your boyfriend in the
mood for hot love it's probably because you cut your hair short so
you would save time getting ready in the morning.


         Sincerely,


         Dogbert


---


Dear Mr. Adams,

It's been a while since I worked at a company that uses buzzwords
and mission statements.  This one caught me off guard.  I thought
you might know the meaning...

           "OPERATIONALIZING THE STRATEGIES"


          Dennis




Dear Densest,

The phrase OPERATIONALIZING THE STRATEGIES can be understood by
breaking it down into its components:

OPERATIONALIZING = Remove internal organs using sharp instruments

THE = Put them in a paper bag

STRATEGIES = Light on fire, put on neighbor's porch, ring doorbell


         Sincerely,


         Dogbert


--

Dear Mr. Adams,

I have totally missed the humor of today's Dilbert comic.  Please
point me in the direction of the meaning, unless you don't care, in
which case just ignore me. Or have Dogbert insult me in the next
newsletter. That would be neat too.


          Gilbert



Dear Goober,

Please give me your address and I will have the answer delivered to
your house immediately.  Look for it in a flaming paper bag on your
porch.



         Sincerely,


         Dogbert


---

[Note:  I swear this next letter is real.]

Mr. Adams:

I have looked at(read) dilbert for one month and to this day I have
found nothing(and I mean nothing) interlectual or funny about your
column. Are you trying to show us(me) how stupid we are by reading
this trash? Well, you have succeded in that endeavor---- but no
more----I read the comics for entertainment and a good outlook for
the day. Dilbert only diffuses that feeling. Thanks but no thanks,



         G. Hitopoulos





Dear Hippopotamus,

I'm sorry you found nothing interlectual about the Dilbert comic
strip.  Mr. Adams will try harder to succede.

         Sincerely,


         Dogbert




Dilbert Fodder
---------------

What's bugging you about your job?  Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter.  The best comic fodder
involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of
dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management
consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.

And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.

And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help.  Send your suggestions to me at
scottadams@aol.com.  Short ones are better.


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------------------------------------------

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Scott Adams
scottadams@aol.com


All submissions to Scott Adams and/or Dilbert.com shall become the
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