---------------------- Forwarded by Vince J Kaminski/HOU/ECT on 02/24/2000 
05:20 PM ---------------------------


Scott Adams <dilbertnewsletter@unitedmedia.com> on 02/18/2000 04:33:02 PM
To: Vince J Kaminski/HOU/ECT@ECT
cc:  
Subject: Dilbert Newsletter 29.0



Dilbert Newsletter 29.0
------------------------

To:     Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From:   Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)
Date:   February 2000



   Highlights:
  ------------------------------------------------
  - Stop the Vote Campaign
  - Dilbert TV Show Update
  - True Tales of Induhviduals
  - Dogbert Answers My Mail
  - Dilberitos
  ------------------------------------------------


Stop the Vote Campaign
----------------------

It's a presidential election year in the United States, and that
means it's time for me to "get involved."

This year I'm organizing a "Stop The Vote" campaign aimed at
preventing Induhviduals from casting ballots.  I'll borrow a
strategy used by all politicians: hallucinations of what the
Founding Fathers intended.

As you know, people were very wise in the 1700s. Unfortunately,
something happened that made us all idiots.  I blame television.
That's why we prefer to make our important decisions on personal
freedom based on the wisdom of dead, slave-owning dandies instead
of using our own defective brains.

We have no recordings of the Constitutional debates, but I'm sure
it went something like this:

---- Re-creation ----

Jefferson:  We haven't put anything in the Bill of Rights about
genetic manipulation, Internet encryption, in vitro fertilization,
or mandatory drug testing.

Adams: Just say "et cetera."  No one is going to read it anyway.

Hancock: Let's include something to encourage public nudity.  Cable
TV won't be invented for years and I can't wait that long.

Jefferson:  Okay.  I'll call that the right to bare arms.

Franklin:  That might be misinterpreted.

Jefferson:  Who's the world-class writer here?  I keep your stupid
Almanac next to my chamber pot, and I don't mean for the reading.

Franklin:  I am soooo sorry for making a suggestion.  By the way,
your house slave "Jeff" has your eyes.

All:  HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

Adams:  You're all a bunch of asses.  I think you're giving me an
embolism.

Jefferson:  You have the right to ass-embolisms.  Hey, maybe I
should include that.  How do you spell it?




Dilbert TV Show Update
----------------------

According to my e-mail, many Dilbert TV fans tape the show so they
have permanent copies in their tape libraries.  While Dilbert is
being taped, they watch other shows that are not tape-worthy.
Unfortunately, only live viewing of TV shows counts for ratings.
This isn't a problem for some TV shows, like "Wheel of Fortune,"
because their viewers use VCRs to crack nuts.  But the mathematical
sets of "people who can program VCRs" and "people most likely to
watch 'Dilbert'" are almost the same.  This has been a problem.

The episode airing February 22nd (9:30 PM EST) in the USA will
probably determine whether the Dilbert show gets renewed.  That's
the episode featuring Jerry Seinfeld as the voice of Comp-U-Comp,
an evil computer who has taken over a company and fired everyone
except the guy who guards the electrical plug.  Eugene Levy plays
the plug guard.

Jerry's lines are mostly written by Larry Charles, one of the
original writers for Seinfeld, now Executive Producer for Dilbert.
So if you liked Seinfeld, this is the closest thing you're going to
get.

And if you know any Induhviduals who are in Nielsen families this
month, please tell them that there's some sort of "millionaire
prize" for watching "Dilbert" and answering questions posed by the
voices in their own heads.


Dilbert Episode Airs On the Internet
------------------------------------

As part of our overall pimping for the Seinfeld voice episode,
we're putting an entire show (The Merger episode) on the Internet
in streaming video, starting February 17th and running through
February 29th.  You can find links to it at
www.dilbertondemand.com.  You need the Windows Media Player, which
you can download from the site.

As far as we know, this is the first television cartoon show
streamed over the Internet in its entirety.  We made sure we didn't
research that fact too thoroughly so we could honestly say, "as far
as we know."

You'll need a reasonably fast connection, but you can view the
entire show, in bite-sized chunks, at your leisure.  Don't settle
for mere bragging about your DSL or cable modem connection;
DEMONSTRATE your digital superiority!  Invite a neighbor who has a
pitiful 28.8 modem over to drool on you.  If you wear a raincoat,
it's a strangely satisfying experience and you can hose it off
later.

If you know anyone recently involved in a merger, the Dilbert
episode on the Internet (The Merger) is the one they'll want to
see.  Find out what's in store for companies who seek "synergy."


True Tales of Induhviduals
--------------------------

I begin the True Tales section with a personal sighting.  I
recently came upon a local road that was closed for improvements.
Signs warned "Road Closed" and "Bridge Out."  As I turned around to
head for the detour, another motorist waved me down.  We rolled
down our windows and he shouted, "Do you think we should just move
the barricades and go for it?"

I don't know how fast one must drive in order to compensate for a
"Bridge Out" situation, but I decided not to try it.


True Tale 2
-----------

Some of our corporate policies have been rewritten.  Here's an
example from our expense reporting procedures.

"Receipts are required for all expenditures of $25 or more and, in
addition to this, receipts for a lesser amount are also required."

Editor's note: It sounds as if some of the people in the HR are
idiots and, in addition to this, the rest of them are too.


True Tale 3
-----------


We received a letter from the Environmental Protection Agency
stating that unless we provided answers to their outstanding
questions within two weeks they would recommend that our power
plant construction project not proceed.

Apparently they failed to notice that, a) we already answered the
questions, b) their approval had already been issued and, c) the
$600 million power plant had been built nearly two years ago.

Editor's note: If those are the sort of questions the EPA calls
"outstanding" I'd hate to hear their dumb ones.


True Tale 4
-----------

We had a Christmas raffle in the "Business Intelligence"
department.   The boss drew a number and called it out.   The
department statistician stood up to tumultuous applause and went up
to collect his prize.  Meanwhile, another employee -- who turned
out to be the real winner -- stood up to collect that same prize.
Upon investigation, the statistician for Business Intelligence had
confused ticket 593 for 539.

Editor's note: On the surface it looks as if the statistician is a
boob.  But he's the only one in the room who realized that 39% of
the time the real winner isn't present to win.  I suspect he's a
DNRC member just playing the odds.


True Tale 5
-----------

When a project is finished in my department we place a red dot
sticker on the folder to signify its completion.  One day we ran
out of red dots but still had a large supply of green and blue
dots.  Dots weren't used for any other purpose so I suggested using
the ones we have, despite their non-red color.  Color was
insignificant.  There were only five of us in the group, so
communicating the change would be easy.

My money-saving suggestion was met with resistance from cow-orkers.
 They pointed out that we've "always used RED dots" and maybe I
should check with the department manager.  I mentioned my idea to
the manager and he said I should "bring it up at the next staff
meeting."

Editor's note: Ironically, it's not a dot.com company.


True Tale 6
-----------

I paid for lunch with a credit card.  The manager put it through
the electronic card machine and got a "no dial tone" error.  She
tried again with the same result.  Then she asked me if I had
another card.

Editor's note:  That's exactly why you should pay for your lunch
using a phone company calling card.  They have dial tone.


True Tale 7
-----------

We tested our Y2K power contingency plans a few weeks before New
Year's.  The Induhviduals in IT didn't expect any downtime, so the
test was performed during the normal work day.  The idea was that
when power was cut, the six generators would kick on and we
wouldn't notice a thing.

Three generators failed to start. Two threw their breakers due to
the high load on them.  The last was overwhelmed when the previous
two cut out and threw a tremendous surge through the lines, blowing
up hundreds of light bulbs, frying fax machines, radios and pencil
sharpeners along the way.   The surge jumped circuits in our
industrial level surge protector and traveled through our "surge
protected" lines to every desktop in the company plus the server
room.  After taking out over a hundred monitors and almost forty
PCs, the surge proceeded to destroy our server room air
conditioner, four huge UPS systems, thirteen servers and both
AS/400s.  Several small fires started throughout the building,
including our now half-melted Christmas tree and our
molten-menorah.

The surge then jumped the lines into the main power grid, blowing
up two transformers, one of which fell on the IT manager's car
(poetic justice) and cutting power on the entire block.  The
remaining generator then proceeded to burst into flames, eventually
blowing up all six generators and burning up seven cars.

This all occurred within about thirty seconds and sent 38 people to
the hospital, cost the company over $650,000 in equipment (not to
mention the impending lawsuits), destroyed eight cars and caused
weeks of downtime.  Three people quit the company.  One woman is
still in the hospital with electrical burns.  The resulting
publicity got us on television in five states.


Editor's note: That story sounds too amazing to be true but I'm
printing it anyway under the theory that there's no such thing as
bad publicity.


True Tale 8
-----------

Our university library just got new computers. The library
thoughtfully provided headphones so students can listen to sound
files without disturbing anyone nearby.   The problem is the
headphone cords have been clamped to the desk in such a way that in
order to use them, you must have your head no more than six inches
from your keyboard. It is great fun to see the stu-duh-nts trying
to use them.


True Tale 9
-----------

I went to a Georgia DMV office to obtain a driver's license.
Customers are required to produce two pieces of ID.  I presented a
utility bill and a copy of my latest tax return, both acceptable
types of ID according to their published list.

The agent behind the counter said she could not accept my tax
return as ID because it was typed.  She said, "How do we know this
is legitimate?  Anyone can get a computer or typewriter to produce
this return."  I argued, unsuccessfully, that it was also easy to
obtain pens and pencils to create hand-written returns.  I was told
to come back with a hand-written return or another acceptable form
of ID.


True Tale 10
------------

I went to a fast-food restaurant one morning for breakfast.  The
moment I opened the door, I was almost swept off my feet by an
overpowering odor of gas.  I struggled up to the counter out of a
vague sense of duty, and said  "You've got an enormous gas leak
back there somewhere!" gesturing towards the kitchen.

The girl behind the counter shrugged and said, "Yeah, I know, but
I've been here since seven o'clock and I've gotten used to it."


True Tale 11
------------

I went to ask our new principal if we could have the Monday before
finals off as a study day.  We had always gotten a study day in the
past but it wasn't on the schedule this time.  He thought for a
second and then responded, "No, you have school that day."

True Tale 12
------------

About a year ago I went to buy a video for a friend's birthday.
The video was rated for adult viewing only.   I was 15 years old,
but they sold it to me anyway.

When I got home I found out that my friend wanted the sequel, not
the original, so I took it back to the store.  The video clerk said
he couldn't return the video because I didn't look 18.

I was confused, so I attempted to clarify.  "So, because I don't
look 18 you're going to MAKE me take this ADULT-rated video, rather
then let me change it for the sequel that is NOT ADULT-rated?"

"Yeah, it's company policy.  If it changes we'll be in touch."

Eventually I convinced him he was breaking the law by selling me
the adult video instead of letting me exchange it for the non-adult
one.   As I left, the guy behind the counter yelled at me, "Next
time, don't watch the video first!"

It was still in its shrink-wrap.




Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------

In this section, Dogbert answers my mail.  These are based on real
e-mail to me.  Some names have been changed to make them easier to
mock.



Dear Mr. Adams,

You were duped in your last newsletter.   Someone submitted a
supposedly True Tale of Induhviduals about a little boy and a
pager.  That is actually an urban legend more than twenty years
old.  Shame on you for falling for that.

        Jim,


Dear Chimp,

Just because it's an urban legend doesn't mean it didn't happen.
In fact, just this morning Mr. Adams woke up in a bathtub full of
ice and found a note saying one of his kidneys was missing.  It
wasn't stolen; he got talked into donating it to a celebrity
auction for the National Ear Hair Foundation.  I'm working with him
on learning to say no.

        Sincerely,

        Dogbert


----

(Note:  In this next letter, some expletives have been replaced by
asterisks)


Dear Mr. Adams,

Your stupid ******* comic strip is a piece of ****.  Give up
cartooning and **** my ****, you *******  ****-******.

        (Anonymous)




Dear Esophagus,

There is no call for such language.  If you do it again, it will be
your "*."

       Sincerely,


       Dogbert


---


Dear Mr. Adams,

No offense, but no one will cry when you die because Dilbert is
just some goofy guy. Some of the biussness (sic) stuff is HARD to
understand and it isn't something that you can feel like you know.
Dogbert is so egotistical whereas Snoopy is so easy to know, and
Charlie Brown is not some GOOFY guy, if you know what I mean.

      Marshall



Dear Marsupial,

No offense taken. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to
"buissness."


      Sincerely,


      Dogbert

---


Dear Mr. Adams,

What is that round black thing on Dogbert's face?  My friend says
it's his mouth but I say it's his nose.

      Floyd



Dear Flawed,

I get this question often, thanks to Mr. Adams' prodigious artistic
range.  Allow me to clarify some of the shapes in the Dilbert
strip.  In general, the black circles are dog noses.  The black
ovals are mouths.  Rectangles are desks or sometimes computers. 
When the ovals are turned the other way and are not filled with
black they are glasses.  Everything else is random.

I have already requested a transfer to "For Better or For Worse."
The dog mortality rate there is high, but I'm willing to take the
chance.


      Sincerely,


      Dogbert



Dilberitos
----------

If you're wondering where to find those delicious and
coincidentally-vegetarian Dilberitos that have 100% of your daily
values of vitamins and minerals, they're in grocery stores now, in
the frozen food section.  Check www.dilberito.com for store
details.

I can't guarantee that eating Dilberitos will help you live long
enough to dance on the graves of all your enemies (an excellent
aerobic exercise), but it's worth a try.


Dilbert Fodder
---------------

What's bugging you about your job?  Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic, TV show or newsletter.  The best comic
fodder involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations
of dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended
management consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.

And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.

And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help.  Send your suggestions to me at
scottadams@aol.com.  Short ones are better.

Cubicle Art
-----------

The Dilbert Zone is now accepting submissions of cubicle art: art
made from things you have around the office, or decorated cubes, or
"theme" cubes. Toward the end of March, the best ones will be
posted in the DNRC area at www.dilbert.com. Submissions will only
be accepted by e-mail, and must be in gif or jpg format, 50K or
less. E-mail cubicle art submissions to cubeart@unitedmedia.com.

All submissions will be governed by the terms of use posted at
www.dilbert.com.

Exclusive DNRC-only Offer - while supplies last!
------------------------------------------------

Now through February 27th, take advantage of these special offers:

Spend $10.00 in The Dilbert Store and receive a free Dogbert Tech
Support Mug and a free 25-minute phone card.

Spend $35.00 in The Dilbert Store and receive a free Boss Pen
Holder with Dilbert Pen, a free Tech Support Mug and a free
25-minute phone card.


These DNRC offers will not be announced in the Dilbert Store. To
get them, you need to follow this DNRC-only link:
http://www.umstore.com/dilbert/dnrcspecial.htx


This year's Dilbert calendars are back in stock. Buy yours now
before they're gone for good!

In addition to the DNRC-only offers, enjoy great discounts on the
following products:

Dogbert "You're Next on My List of Things to Ignore" Cap - $7.99
http://www.umstore.com/dilbert/inventory.htx?item=2601-11005

Ignore Y2K Bug T-shirt - $9.99
http://www.umstore.com/dilbert/inventory.htx?item=2601-10019

Character Picture Frame - $8.99
http://www.umstore.com/dilbert/inventory.htx?item=2601-12014

Young Dilbert CD-ROM - $14.99
http://www.umstore.com/dilbert/inventory.htx?item=2601-14001

(Offers are limited to one DNRC bonus per order, but regular
Dilbert Store freebies will be added if the order amount qualifies
for them.)



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Scott Adams
scottadams@aol.com

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