KENNY -
JON SENT ME THIS TODAY - I THOUGHT IT WAS MORE OF A MANS JOKE- IT IS LONG BUT 
KINDA FUNNY
---------------------- Forwarded by Sandra F Brawner/HOU/ECT on 01/19/2001 
11:26 AM ---------------------------


"Jon Schnitzer" <jons@amerexenergy.com> on 01/19/2001 11:15:14 AM
To: "Sandra F Brawner" <Sandra.F.Brawner@enron.com>, 
<robert.k.rodriguez@db.com>, <mhandler@natsource.com>, "lance jordan" 
<lcjo@dynegy.com>, <JSEGAUL44@aol.com>, "Chris Paul" 
<cpaul@dwintegrated.com>, "Brian York" <byork@dwintegrated.com>, "anrew o 
ertel" <aertel@evomarkets.com>
cc:  
Subject: Fw: A little funny for you



----- Original Message -----
From: <diana.hollier@tpc-corp.com>
To: <jons@amerexenergy.com>
Sent: Friday, January 19, 2001 10:38 AM
Subject: A little funny for you


>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Gabriela Rehlinger [mailto:grehlinger@altra.com]
> Sent: Thursday, January 18, 2001 4:04 PM
> Subject: FW: this could be us...
>
>
> Ok.. this cold have been written by some of you!
> i laughed till my sides hurt...
>
> .
> > > Fan on Game Day
> > >
> > > This is pretty long, but it's HYSTERICAL! If you've ever been drunk at
a
> > > sporting event, or been with someone who has, you can relate. This is
an
> > > e-mail from some guy named J.D.Horne, who, according to the messages
> > that
> > > were attached to this, is not a 21 year-old frat boy, but an attorney
of
> > > indeterminate age. He sent it to his friend Brian Brice and it got
> > > forwarded around the country. You have to give the guy some props for
> > > being self-deprecating...but I hope I never meet him on game day.
> > >
> > > A chronology of events for Saturday, December 4, 1999, and the early
> > > morning hours of Sunday, December 5, 1999
> > >
> > > 6:00 Arise, play the Eyes of Texas and Texas Fight at full-freaking
> > blast
> > >
> > > 6:20 Get in car, drive to New Braunfels
> > >
> > > 7:30 Tee off (me and a buddy were the FIRST tee-time of the morning)
> > >
> > > 8:50 Turn 9 (crack open first beer)
> > >
> > > 8:53 Crack open second beer
> > >
> > > 8:58 Crack open...(you get the idea)
> > >
> > > 10:30 Finish 18 (holes, as well as beers), sign scorecard for
smoooooth
> > 95
> > >
> > > 10:35 Headed for San Antonio (Alamodome - Nebraska vs Texas)
> > >
> > > 10:50 Buy three 18-packs for pre- and post-game festivities
> > >
> > > 11:10 We decide we don't have enough booze, so we double-back to a
> > liquor
> > > store and buy the good ol' 750 ml plastic bottle "Traveler" Jim Beam
> > >
> > > 11:50 Arrive at the tailgate spot. Awesome day. Not a single cloud in
> > the
> > > sky. About 70 degree
> > >
> > > 11:55 I decide that we're going to kick the shit out of Nebraska.
> > >
> > > 11:56 I tell my first Nebraska fan to go fuck himself.
> > >
> > > 12:15 The UT band walks by on the way to the Alamodome. We're on the
> > > second floor of a two-story parking garage on the corner (a couple
> > hundred
> > > of us). We're hooting and hollering like wildmen. The band doubles
back
> > to
> > > the street right below us and serenades us with Texas Fight and The
Eyes
> > > of Texas. AWESOME MOMENT
> > >
> > > 12:25 In the post-serenade serendipity, 50-100 grown men are bumping
> > > chests with one another, each and every one of them now secure and
> > certain
> > > of the fact that we are going to kick the shit out of Nebraska.
> > >
> > > 1:00 The Nebraska band walks by on the way to the Alamodome. Again, we
> > > hoot and holler like wildmen. Again, the band doubles back and stops
> > right
> > > below us to serenade us, this time, however, with the Nebraska fight
> > > songs. Although somewhat impressed by their spirit and verve, we
remain
> > > convinced that we are going to kick the shit out of Nebraska.
> > >
> > > 1:30 I begin the walk to the Alamodome, somehow managing to stuff the
> > > "Traveler" and 11 cans of beer into my pants.
> > >
> > > 1:47 I am in line surrounded by Nebraska fans. They are taunting me. I
> > am
> > > taunting back, still certain that we are going to kick the shit out of
> > > Nebraska. I decide to challenge a particularly vocal Nebraska fan to
> > play
> > > what I now call and will forever be remembered as Cell-Phone Flop
Out."
> > > Remember flop out for a dollar? The rules are similar. I tell this
> > > Nebraska jackass that if he's so confident in his team, he should
"flop
> > > out" his cell phone RIGHT NOW and make plane reservations to Phoenix
for
> > > the Fiesta Bowl. And then I spoke these memorable words: "And not
those
> > > damn refundable tickets, either! You request those non-refundable,
> > > non-transferrable sons-of-bitches!" He backs down. He is unworthy. I
> > call
> > > Southwest Airlines and buy two tickets to Phoenix, non-refundable and
> > > non-transferrable. Price: $712. He is humbled. He lowers his head in
> > > shame. I raise my cell phone in triumph to the cheers of hundreds of
> > Texas
> > > fans. I am KING and these are my subjects. I distribute the 11 beers
in
> > my
> > > pants to the cheering masses. I RULE the pre-game kingdom.
> > >
> > > 2:34 Kickoff. Brimming with confidence, I open the Traveler and pour
my
> > > first stiffy.
> > >
> > > 2:45 I notice something troubling: Nebraska is big. Nebraska is
> > > fast.Nebraska is very pissed off at Texas.
> > >
> > > 3:01 The first quarter mercifully ends. 9 yards total offense for
> > > Texas.Zero first downs for Texas. I'm still talking shit. I pour
another
> > > stiffy from the Traveler.
> > >
> > > 3:36 Four minutes to go in the first half: the Traveler is a dead
> > soldier.
> > > I buy my first $5 beer from the Alamodome merchants. While I am
standing
> > > in line, a center snap nearly decapitates Major Applewhite and rolls
out
> > > of the end zone. Safety.
> > >
> > > 3:56 Halftime score: Nebraska 15, Texas 0. I wish I had another
> > Traveler.
> > >
> > > 4:11 While urinating next to a Nebraska fan in the bathroom at
halftime,
> > I
> > > attempt to revive the classic Briceism from the South Bend bathroom:
> > "Hey,
> > > buddy, niiiiiiiiice cock." He is unamused.
> > >
> > > 4:21 I buy my 2nd and 3rd $5 beer from the Alamodome merchants. I
share
> > my
> > > beer with two high school girls sitting behind me. Surprisingly, they
> > are
> > > equipped with a flask full of vodka. I send them off to purchase
> > Sprites,
> > > so that we may consume their vodka. I have not lost faith. Nebraska is
a
> > > bunch of pussies.
> > >
> > > 4:51 No more vodka. The girls sitting behind me have fled for their
> > lives.
> > > I purchase two more $5 beers from the Alamodome merchants.
> > >
> > > 5:18 Score is Nebraska 22, Texas 0. I am beginning to lose faith.This
> > > normally would trouble me, but I am too drunk to see the football
field.
> > >
> > > 5:27 I call Southwest Airlines: "I'm sorry, sir. Those tickets have
been
> > > confirmed and are non-refundable and non-transferrable."
> > >
> > > 5:37 I try to start a fight with every person behind the concession
> > > counter. As it turns out, the Alamodome has a policy that no beer can
be
> > > sold when there is less than 10 minutes on the game clock. I am
enraged
> > by
> > > this policy. I ask loudly: "Why the fuck didn't you announce last call
> > > over the fucking PA system??!!"
> > >
> > > 5:49 Back in my seats, I am slumped in my chair in defeat. All of a
> > > sudden, the Texas crowd goes absolutely nuts. "Whazzis?," I mutter,
> > > awaking from my coma, "Iz we winnig? Did wez scort?" Alas, the answer
is
> > > no, we were not winning and we did not score. The largest (by far)
cheer
> > > of the day from the Texas faithful occurred when the handlers were
> > walking
> > > back to the tunnel and Bevo (the Texas mascot) stopped to take a
> > > gargantuan shit all over the letters "S", "K",and "A" in the
"Nebraska"
> > > spelled out in their end zone. I cheer wildly. I pick up he empty
> > Traveler
> > > bottle and stick my tongue in it. I am thirsty.
> > >
> > > 6:16 Nebraska fans are going berserk as I walk back to the truck. I
> > would
> > > taunt them with some off-color remarks about their parentage, but I am
> > too
> > > drunk to form complete sentences. With my last cognitive thought of
the
> > > evening, I take solace in the fact that if we had not beaten them in
> > > October, they would be playing Florida State for the national
> > > championship.
> > >
> > > 6:30 Back in the car. On the way back to Austin for the basketball
game.
> > >
> > > 8:00 Texas-Arizona tip off. We can still salvage the day! I crack open
a
> > > beer. It is warm. I don't care.
> > >
> > > 7:12 We have stopped for gas. I am hungry. I go inside the store.I
walk
> > > past the beer frig. I notice a Zima. I've never had a Zima. I wonder
if
> > > it's any good. I pull a Zima from the frig. I twist the top off and
> > drink
> > > the Zima in three swallows. Zima sucks. I replace the empty bottle in
> > the
> > > frig.
> > >
> > > 7:17 There is a Blimpie Subs in the store. I walk to where the
> > ingredients
> > > are, where the person usually makes the sub. There is no one there. I
> > lean
> > > over the counter and scoop out half a bucket of black olives. I eat
> > them.
> > > I am still hungry. I lean further over the counter and grab
> > approximately
> > > two pounds of Pastrami. I walk out of the store grunting and eating
> > > Pastrami. The patrons in the store fear me. I don't care.
> > >
> > > 8:01 We are in South Austin. I have been drinking warm beer and
singing
> > > Brooks and Dunn tunes for over an hour. My truck-mate is tired of my
> > > singing. He suggests that perhaps Brooks and Dunn have written other
> > good
> > > songs besides "You're Going to Miss Me When I'm Gone" and "Neon Moon"
> > and
> > > that maybe listening to only those two songs, ten times each was a bit
> > > excessive. Perhaps, he suggests, Icould just let the CD play on its
own.
> > I
> > > tell him to fuck off and restart "Neon Moon."
> > >
> > > 8:30 We arrive at the Erwin Center. My truckmate, against my loud and
> > > profane protestations, parks on the top floor of a nearby parking
> > garage.
> > > I tell him he's an idiot. I tell him we will never get out. I tell him
> > we
> > > may as well pitch a fucking tent here. He ignores me. I think he's
still
> > > pissed about the Brooks and Dunn tunes. I whistle "Neon Moon" loudly.
> > >
> > > 8:47 I am rallying. I have 4 warm beers stuffed in my pants. We're
going
> > > to kick the shit out of Arizona.
> > >
> > > 9:11 Halftime score: Texas 31, Arizona 29. I am pleased. I go to the
> > > bathroom to pee for the 67th time today. I giggle to myself because of
> > the
> > > new opportunity to do "the bathroom Brice." There are no Arizona fans
in
> > > the bathroom. I am disappointed. I tell myself (out loud) that I have
a
> > > "Niiiiiice cock." No one is amused but me.
> > >
> > > 9:41 I walk to the bathroom while drinking Bud Light out of a
> > can.Needless
> > > to say, they do not sell beer at the Erwin Center,much less Bud Light
> > out
> > > of a can. I am stopped by an usher: "Where did you get that, sir?" I
> > tell
> > > him (no shit): "Oh, the cheerleaders were throwing them up with those
> > > little plastic footballs. Would you mind throwing this away
> > > for me?" I take the last swig and hand it to him. He is confused. I
> > > pretend I'm going to the bathroom, but I run away giggling instead. I
> > duck
> > > into some entrance to avoid the usher, who is now pursuing me. I sneak
> > > into a large group of people and sit down. The usher walks by
> > harmlessly.
> > > I am giggling like a little girl. I crack open another can of Bud
Light.
> > >
> > > 9:52 I am lost. In my haste to avoid the usher, I have lost my
> > bearings.I
> > > have no ticket stub. I cannot find my seats. Texas is losing.
> > >
> > > 10:09 Texas is being screwed by the refs. I am enraged. I have cleared
> > out
> > > the seats around me because I keep removing my hat and beating the
> > > surrounding chairs with it. A concerned fan asks if I'm OK and perhaps
I
> > > shouldn't take it so seriously. I tell him to fuck off.
> > >
> > > 10:15 After the fourth consecutive "worst fucking call I have EVER
> > seen,"
> > > I  attempt to remove my hat again to begin beating inanimate objects.
> > > However, on this occasion I miscalculate and I thumbnail myself in my
> > left
> > > eyelid, leaving a one-quarter inch gash over my eye. I am now bleeding
> > > into my left eye and all over my shirt. "Perhaps," I think to myself,
> > I'm
> > > taking this a bit seriously."
> > >
> > > 10:22 I am standing in the bathroom peeing. I'm so drunk I am swaying
> > and
> > > grunting. I have a bloody napkin pressed on my left eye. My pants are
> > > bloody. I have my (formerly) white shirt wrapped around my waist. I
look
> > > like I should be in an episode of Cops.
> > >
> > > 10:43 Texas has lost. I put my bloody white shirt back on my body and
> > make
> > > my way for the exits. I am stopped every 20 seconds by a good
> > > samaritan/cop/security guard to ask me why I am covered in blood, but
I
> > > merely grunt incoherently and keep moving.
> > >
> > > 10:59 With my one good eye, I have located the parking garage. I walk
up
> > > six flights of stairs, promise that when I see my friend I will punch
> > him
> > > in the face for making me walk up six flights of stairs, find the
truck,
> > > and collapse in a heap in the bed of the truck. I look around and
notice
> > > that traffic is lined up all the way around the garage, six whole
> > flights,
> > > and no one is moving. I take a nap.
> > >
> > > 11:17 I awake from my nap. I see my friend in the driver's seat. I
lift
> > my
> > > head to look out the bed of the truck and notice that traffic is lined
> > up
> > > all the way around the garage, six whole flights, and no one is
moving.
> > I
> > > am too tired to unch my friend. I call my friend a "Stupid
cocksucker."
> > >
> > > 11:31 I lift my head to look out the bed of the truck and notice that
> > > traffic is lined up all the way around the garage, six whole flights,
> > and
> > > no one is moving. I call my friend a "Stupid cocksucker."
> > >
> > > 11:38 I lift my head to look out the bed of the truck and notice that
> > > traffic is lined up all the way around the garage, six whole flights,
> > and
> > > no one is moving. I call my friend a "Stupid cocksucker."
> > >
> > > 11:47 I lift my head to look out the bed of the truck and notice that
> > > traffic is lined up all the way around the garage, six whole flights,
> > and
> > > no one is moving. I call my friend a "Stupid cocksucker."
> > >
> > > 11:58 I am jostled. The truck is moving. I lift my head to look out
the
> > > bed of the truck and notice that traffic is beginning to move on the
> > > second floor. I jump out of the truck, walk to the edge of the parking
> > > facility, and pee off the sixth floor onto the street below. My friend
> > > looks at me like I just anally violated his minor sister. I turn
> > around
> > > pee on the front of his truck while singing the lyrics to "Neon Moon."
> > >
> > > 12:11 We are moving. We are out of beer. I jump from the truck and go
> > from
> > > vehicle to vehicle until someone gives me two beers. I am happy.I
return
> > > to my vehicle.
> > >
> > > 12:26 We have emerged from the parking facility. We make our way to my
> > > apartment and find Ed sitting on the couch with a freshly opened
bottle
> > of
> > > Glenlivet on the coffee table in front of him. We are all going to die
> > > tonight.
> > >
> > > 12:59 We have finished three-quarters of the bottle of Glenlivet. We
> > > decide it would be a wonderful idea to go dancing at PollyEsther's. Ed
> > has
> > > to pee. He walks down the hall to our apartment and directly into the
> > full
> > > length mirror at the end of the hall,smashing it into hundreds of
> > pieces.
> > > We giggle uncontrollably and leave for PollyEsther's.
> > >
> > > 1:17 The PollyEsther's doorman laughs uncontrollably at our efforts to
> > > enter his club. "Fellas," he says in between his fits of spastic
> > > laughter,"I've been working this door for almost a year. I've been
> > working
> > > doors in this town for almost 5 years. And I can honestly say that I
> > ain't
> > > never seen three drunker mother fuckers than  you three.Sorry, can't
let
> > > you in." We attempt to reason with him. He laughs harder.
> > >
> > > 1:44 We find a bar that lets us in. We take two steps in the door and
> > hear
> > > "Last call for alcohol!" I turn to the group and mutter: "See, dat
> > wasn't
> > > that fuckin' hard. Day don't fuckin' do that at the
> > > Awamo...the>>awaom...the alab...fuck it, that stadium we was at
> > today..."
> > > We order 6shots of tequila and three beers.
> > >
> > > 2:15 Back on the street. We need food. We hail  cab to take us the two
> > and
> > > one half blocks to Denny's. The cab fare is $1.60. We give him $10 and
> > > tell him to keep it.
> > >
> > > 2:17 There is a 20 minute wait. We give the hostess $50. We are seated
> > > immediately.
> > >
> > > 2:25 We order two orders of fried pickles, a Cobb salad, a bowl of
soup,
> > > two orders of Blueberry blintzes, two Reuben sandwiches, a hamburger,
> > two
> > > cheese stuffed potatoes, an order of fries, and an order of onion
rings.
> > >
> > > 2:39 The food arrives. We are all asleep with our heads onthe table.
The
> > > waiter wakes us up. We eat every fucking bit of our food. Most of the
> > > restaurant patrons around us are disgusted. We on't give a fuck. The
tab
> > > is $112 with tip.
> > >
> > > 2:46 I'm sleepy.
> > >
> > > 9:12 I wake up next to a strange woman. She is a waitress at Denny's.
> > She
> > > is not pretty. HOOK 'EM HORNS, BABY!!!