Indy at KC: Peyton Manning misses the team flight from
Indianapolis when he discovers that the DirecTV guy he does
commercials with has replaced NFL Sunday Ticket on his dish with
all the porn channels. He is shocked to see teammate Edgerrin
James starring in the cleverly titled Vivid TV feature "Ease It
In, James". So THAT's why The Edge chose not to attend those mini-
camps over the summer.

Jax at Baltimore: Fans who wear the jerseys of injured Jags
players are inexplicably stricken with similar injuries. Anyone
wearing a #82 Jimmy Smith jersey contracts horrific intestinal
bleeding, and those with #8 Mark Brunell jerseys are all blind-
sided by 350-pound black men. One man wearing a #28 Fred Taylor
jersey crumbles to the ground after shredding his groin, sending
nacho cheese and peanuts flying into the air. One of the airborne
peanuts scratches the cornea of a fan wearing an old Orlando Brown
jersey, much like the penalty flag that ended that player's career
in Cleveland a couple of years ago.

Minnesota at Tampa Bay: Desperate for talent at RB, Vikings coach
Dennis Green (a master of fathering illegitimate children) spends
the week collecting baby batter from the NFL's best running backs
of all time in the hopes of bioengineering a replacement for
Robert Smith.

SF at Chicago: Niners QB and flaming pillow biter Jeff Garcia
unveils his new limp-wristed passing style, which he modeled after
Lamar's javelin throw in "Revenge of the Nerds". At halftime
Garcia is joined by Booger, Poindexter, Takashi, and Wermzer to
perform the famous rap-rock song from the Adams College Homecoming
Carnival, which begins with the brilliant lyrics "Now clap your
hands everybody, and everybody clap your hands."

New Orleans at St. Louis: Kurt Warner's endorsement of Campbell's
Chunky Soup backfires when his pre-game meal of Hearty New England
Chowder results in explosive diarrhea in the middle of a play.
This unfortunate case of "faucet ass" forces Warner to leave the
game with an embarrassing brown splotch on the seat of his uniform
pants. The incident proves to be fortuitous, however, as Warner
later inks a multi-million dollar deal to become the spokesman for
Oops, I Crapped My Pants.

Jets at Carolina: The Panthers unveil a new promotion with a local
car dealership in which a fan gets the chance to win a new car.
The fan is shown three cars and in order to win he must correctly
guess which one has a Rae Carruth cardboard cut-out hidden away in
the trunk. If Rae springs out of the trunk, you win!

Arizona at Dallas: Last week's near disaster in which Cowboys
kicker Tim Seder was nearly trampled during warm-ups by a horse
forces the team to cancel its plans for the Cowboys Banditos Biker
Squad, which was supposed to feature a team of Mexican outlaws on
Harleys who zip around the field distributing t-shirts to kids in
the stands.

Oakland at Philly: Just in time for Halloween, Raiders coach Jon
Gruden releases a new line of masks featuring his trademark facial
expressions in response to various situations. The first round of
masks to go on sale includes "Jon finds out his new puppy got run
over in the driveway", "Jon learns he was actually born as a
girl", "Jon catches Tyrone Wheatley and Charles Woodson double
teaming his wife", and "Jon finds pubic hairs in his soup at a
restaurant."

Buffalo at San Diego: Buffalo management captures Osama bin Laden
and insists that they will turn him over to authorities only if
Doug Flutie comes back to be their QB in place of Rob Johnson.


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