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From: The Top 5 List <Top5List@topfive.com>
Subject: Top5 - 2/16/01 - New U.S. Army Weapons for 2001
Date: Fri, 16 Feb 2001 01:12:09 -0800
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Today's Classic Top5:  GOP Euphemisms for Impeaching the President
         Read it on our website:  http://www.topfive.com
         To subscribe:  Top5Classic-subscribe@topica.com


                        February 16, 2001

                         NOTE FROM CHRIS:

     Today's list was compiled from submissions sent in by our
        ClubTop5 subscribers.  For info on joining ClubTop5,
          go to: http://www.topfive.com/html/ClubTop5.htm


             The Top 15 New U.S. Army Weapons for 2001


15> The Britney Spear -- A deadly assault weapon with razor sharp,
    retractable twelve inch nipples which reduce men to drooling
    idiots.

14> R-23 Multi-Environment Inhalation Assistance Device for
    Short-Term, Repeatable Infantry Stimulus -- Okay, it's
    actually just a $750 crack pipe.

13> RoboReagan -- Oh, come on.  Did you *really* think he was
    hospitalized for a broken hip?

12> The Heche Bomb -- Rather than killing countless civilians like
    its thermonuclear predecessor, detonation of this warhead
    simply bewilders the enemy by wandering amongst them, knocking
    on their doors and making strange remarks.

11> Compassionate Carbine -- Kills just as effectively, but a
    small sound chip in the stock says, "I'm sorry" with each
    bullet fired.

10> Ultra Anthrax Plus -- Similar to regular Anthrax, but with
    a hint of lemon for a clean, refreshing scent!

 9> Sharkbomb -- Fills the target area with thousands attorneys,
    leaving it bogged down by legal haggling.

 8> Army of One -- Pvt. First Class Frank Richards will be
    dispatched to finally eliminate those pesky Iraqis.
    We expect him to be far more effective than a full dose
    of the Army, without all of the unpleasant side effects.

 7> The Atomic Balm -- Deadly Chapstick that comes in three
    luminescent colors:  Irradiated Iraq Indigo, Glowing
    Gorky Green and Malignant Mao Mauve

 6> Land Mimes -- Will repulse, frustrate and anger the enemy;
    now with potent "trapped in a box" mechanism.

 5> "Star Wars" Defense System - Network of ground- and orbital-
    based weapons designed to prevent George Lucas from entering
    U.S. airspace with another lame "prequel."

 4> SHDI (Strategic Hairpiece Defense Initiative) -- Uses
    satellite laser technology to track Sam Donaldson.

 3> Don't Ask Don't Telegraph -- Global communication without
    leaving the closet!

 2> The Subliminable Obsiconfusionary Mispronunciator -- Confuses
    foreign leaders by introducing gibberish into speeches.
    Best of all, it's stealthiable.



 and Topfive.com's Number 1 New U.S. Army Weapon for 2001...


 1> The Lewinsky Land Mine -- Get anywhere near it and it'll
    blow your nuts off.



              [  The Top 5 List   www.topfive.com  ]
              [   Copyright 2001 by Chris White    ]



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                      Rumination of the Day

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              but man, I could really use another me
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==================================================================
Selected from 274 submissions from 140 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike Cunningham, Woodridge, IL    --  1   (Woo-hoo!)
Liz Scott, Madison, AL            --  2
Laura Song, Tucson, AZ            --  2
Michal Bryc, St. Louis, MO        --  2
John D. Hopkins, Watkinsville, GA --  2
Paul Atkinson, Portland, OR       --  2
Frank Weisbly, CA                 --  3
Evan Simper, Holbrook, AZ         --  4
Jack Scheer, Falls Church, VA     --  5, 11
Chris Warner, Alameda, CA         --  6
Adam Chunn, Houston, TX           --  7
Jeff Abramsohn, Waltham, MA       --  8
Warren Marcus, Rockville, MD      --  9
Jon Killian, Spanaway, WA         --  9
Bob Roth, Fairfield, IA           -- 10
Dave Juurlink, Toronto, Canada    -- 12
BT Cesul, Ann Arbor, MI           -- 13
Eric Akawie, Burke, VA            -- 14
Jason Davis, Milwaukee, WI        -- 15
Arthur Levesque, Laurel, MD       -- 15
Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA   -- 15
Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN  -- Topic
Jim Griffith, Sunnyvale, CA       -- Banner Tag
Dale Weese, Florissant, MO        -- Runner Up list name
Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ     -- Honorable Mention list name
Chris White, Irvine, CA           -- List owner/editor
The Tubes, San Francisco, CA      -- Ambience
 -> Ambience explanation: http://www.topfive.com/arcs/am021601.htm
------------------------------------------------------------------
          "Don't Laugh, Don't Tell"    and    "Boot Camp"
         The Runners Up and Honorable Mention submissions
   The Runners Up and Honorable Mention submissions for today's
    list can be found on our website:  http://www.topfive.com
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