---------------------- Forwarded by Eric Bass/HOU/ECT on 10/30/2000 09:34 AM 
---------------------------


Michael D Ferguson <mfe252@airmail.net> on 10/30/2000 09:09:24 AM
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Subject: Chili Taster


Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous
celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one
else
wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last
moment,
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions
to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and
besides
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy cow, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
               paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to
put the
               flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
                        seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
               supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people
               who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
               walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on
my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
               have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now.
               Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the

               front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
                        other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
               taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills;
               that 300 lb. witch is starting to look HOT, just like
this nuclear-waste
               I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
                       considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
                        the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
               and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant
               seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given
me brain
               damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly
               on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the
other judges asked
               me to stop screaming.  Rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice

                       and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
                        Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric
               flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
big Sally.
               I need to sooth my butt with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili
                        peppers at the last moment. I should note that I
am worried
                       about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit
of distress
                       as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't

                feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and
the world sounds
                like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili which
                slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like stuff to
                match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll
know what
                killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. Screw it, I'm
                not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through
                the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold
                       but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry
                        to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 passed out,
                        fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going
                        to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable To report)