Beth Cherry 
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Sr. Creative Consultant 
EnFORM Technology 
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-----Original Message----- 
From: Vic Alcazar [mailto:valcazar@pacbell.net ] 
Sent: Friday, October 19, 2001 7:44 PM 
To: vic_alcazar@hotmail.com 
Subject: It's all about the tribe... 
October 14, 2001 
In My Tribe 
By ETHAN WATTERS 
It may be true that 'never marrieds' are saving themselves for something 
better. They may also be saving the institution of marriage while they're at 
it. 
You may be like me: between the ages of 25 and 39, single, a 
college-educated city dweller. If so, you may have also had the unpleasant 
experience of discovering that you have been identified (by the U.S. Census 
Bureau, no less) as one of the fastest-growing groups in America -- the 
''never marrieds.'' In less than 30 years, the number of never-marrieds has 
more than doubled, apparently pushing back the median age of marriage to the 
oldest it has been in our country's history -- about 25 years for women and 
27 for men. 
As if the connotation of ''never married'' weren't negative enough, the 
vilification of our group has been swift and shrill. These statistics prove 
a ''titanic loss of family values,'' according to The Washington Times. An 
article in Time magazine asked whether ''picky'' women were ''denying 
themselves and society the benefits of marriage'' and in the process kicking 
off ''an outbreak of 'Sex and the City' promiscuity.'' In a study on 
marriage conducted at Rutgers University, researchers say the ''social 
glue'' of the family is at stake, adding ominously that ''crime rates . . . 
are highly correlated with a large percentage of unmarried young males.'' 
Although I never planned it, I can tell you how I became a never-married. 
Thirteen years ago, I moved to San Francisco for what I assumed was a brief 
transition period between college and marriage. The problem was, I wasn't 
just looking for an appropriate spouse. To use the language of the Rutgers 
researchers, I was ''soul-mate searching.'' Like 94 percent of 
never-marrieds from 20 to 29, I, too, agree with the statement ''When you 
marry, you want your spouse to be your soul mate first and foremost.'' This 
?ber-romantic view is something new. In a 1965 survey, fully three out of 
four college women said they'd marry a man they didn't love if he fit their 
criteria in every other way. I discovered along with my friends that finding 
that soul mate wasn't easy. Girlfriends came and went, as did jobs and 
apartments. The constant in my life -- by default, not by plan -- became a 
loose group of friends. After a few years, that group's membership and 
routines began to solidify. We met weekly for dinner at a neighborhood 
restaurant. We traveled together, moved one another's furniture, painted one 
another's apartments, cheered one another on at sporting events and 
open-mike nights. One day I discovered that the transition period I thought 
I was living wasn't a transition period at all. Something real and important 
had grown there. I belonged to an urban tribe. 
I use the word ''tribe'' quite literally here: this is a tight group, with 
unspoken roles and hierarchies, whose members think of each other as ''us'' 
and the rest of the world as ''them.'' This bond is clearest in times of 
trouble. After earthquakes (or the recent terrorist strikes), my instinct to 
huddle with and protect my group is no different from what I'd feel for my 
family. 
Once I identified this in my own life, I began to see tribes everywhere I 
looked: a house of ex-sorority women in Philadelphia, a team of 
ultimate-frisbee players in Boston and groups of musicians in Austin, Tex. 
Cities, I've come to believe, aren't emotional wastelands where fragile 
individuals with arrested development mope around self-indulgently searching 
for true love. There are rich landscapes filled with urban tribes. 
So what does it mean that we've quietly added the tribe years as a 
developmental stage to adulthood? Because our friends in the tribe hold us 
responsible for our actions, I doubt it will mean a wild swing toward 
promiscuity or crime. Tribal behavior does not prove a loss of ''family 
values.'' It is a fresh expression of them. 
It is true, though, that marriage and the tribe are at odds. As many 
ex-girlfriends will ruefully tell you, loyalty to the tribe can wreak havoc 
on romantic relationships. Not surprisingly, marriage usually signals the 
beginning of the end of tribal membership. From inside the group, marriage 
can seem like a risky gambit. When members of our tribe choose to get 
married, the rest of us talk about them with grave concern, as if they've 
joined a religion that requires them to live in a guarded compound. 
But we also know that the urban tribe can't exist forever. Those of us who 
have entered our mid-30's find ourselves feeling vaguely as if we're living 
in the latter episodes of ''Seinfeld'' or ''Friends,'' as if the plot lines 
of our lives have begun to wear thin. 
So, although tribe membership may delay marriage, that is where most of us 
are still heading. And it turns out there may be some good news when we get 
there. Divorce rates have leveled off. Tim Heaton, a sociologist at Brigham 
Young University, says he believes he knows why. In a paper to be published 
next year, he argues that it is because people are getting married later. 
Could it be that we who have been biding our time in happy tribes are now 
actually grown up enough to understand what we need in a mate? What a 
fantastic twist -- we ''never marrieds'' may end up revitalizing the very 
institution we've supposedly been undermining. 
And there's another dynamic worth considering. Those of us who find it so 
hard to leave our tribes will not choose marriage blithely, as if it is the 
inevitable next step in our lives, the way middle-class high-school kids 
choose college. When we go to the altar, we will be sacrificing something 
precious. In that sacrifice, we may begin to learn to treat our marriages 
with the reverence they need to survive. 
Ethan Watters is a writer living in San Francisco. http://www.nytimes.com/2001/10/14/magazine/14WWLN.html?ex=1004477039&ei=1?  
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