For those who did not have time to watch the third and final presidential
debate Tuesday night, I've prepared this transcript of what was said:

Jim Lehrer:
Welcome to the third presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and
Gov.  George W.  Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask
a question.  The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed
remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters.  The opponent will
then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into
voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly
while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more
minutes.

Let's start with the vice president.  Mr.  Gore, can you give us the name of
a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that
strains the bounds of common sense?

Gore:
As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we
have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the
downtrodden have a clear choice in this election.  My opponent wants to cut
taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans.  I, on the other hand, want to
put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so they can't
hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight.  Mrs.
Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for
gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me.
Also, her poodle has arthritis.

Lehrer:
Gov.  Bush, your rebuttal.

Bush:
Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with
them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists.  I want to
empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent,
whose mother is not Barbara Bush.

Lehrer:
Let's turn to foreign affairs.  Gov.  Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to
launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to
pronounce his name?

Bush:
The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and
didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that
guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies.  And then Dick would present
me several options for dealing with that guy.  And then Dick would tell me
which one to choose.  You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough
foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New
Mexico.

Lehrer:
Mr.  Gore, your rebuttal.

Gore:
Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I
served my country in Vietnam.  I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas
in World War I.  I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War.  And when
that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way
that any undecided woman
voter would find romantic.
If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal
knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an
ironclad lockbox.  Because the American people deserve a president who can
comfort them with simple metaphors.

Lehrer:
Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?

Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim.  That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed
changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior
citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the
year 2250.  In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the  next 10
years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to
their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with
the child-proof cap.

Lehrer:
Gov.  Bush?

Bush:
That's fuzzy math.  I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do
math every day.  I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going
to fill potholes out on Rt.  36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof
the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.

Lehrer:
It's time for closing statements.

Gore:
I'm my own man.  I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will
fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the
White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.

Bush:
It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but
Republicans.

Lehrer:
Good night.


The information contained in this e-mail message is intended only for the 
personal and confidential use of the recipient(s) named above. This message 
may be an attorney-client communication and/or work product and as such is 
privileged and confidential. If the reader of this message is not the 
intended recipient or an agent responsible for delivering it to the intended 
recipient, you are hereby notified that you have received this document in 
error and that any review, dissemination, distribution, or copying of this 
message is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in 
error, please notify us immediately by e-mail, and delete the original 
message.