The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK ... they know me here.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "GUESS" on it.   I said,
"Implants?"

I don't do drugs any more 'cause I find I get the same effect just
standing up really fast.

Sign in Chinese pet store: "Buy one dog,   get one flea."

I got a sweater for Christmas . . . I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

I don't approve of political jokes . . . I've seen too many of them get
elected.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no
trade-in value.

I love being married.   It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving
me lately!

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits
on the highway?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

When next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage
disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this
world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I   can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

Many people will walk in and out of   your life, but only true friends
will leave a footprint on your heart







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