Glossary of new stock market terms & definitions:

Momentum  Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

Broker - Poorer than you were in 1999.

P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market 
keeps crashing.

"Buy, Buy" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off 
the plane.

Standard & Poor - Your life in a nut  shell.

Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Bull Market -  A random market movement causing an investor to mistake 
himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the 
wife?gets no jewelry and the husband gets no  sex.

Stock Split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally 
between themselves.

Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to 
the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times 
before e-mail.

Day Trader - Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.

Microsoft - A condition temporarily remedied by Viagra.

Cisco - Side kick of Poncho.

Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $540 per share.

Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo 
for $540 per share.

Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut 
house.

Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.

Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan.

Alan Greenspan - God.
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