----- 

How to give cats and dogs pills.

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if  holding a
baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens
mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm
and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold
mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.  Call
spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat
vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down
drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take
taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet
with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.  Open another
beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert
spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply  cold compress
to cheek and check records for
date of last tetanus jab.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from
bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from
foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine  and
bind
tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.   Be
rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat
to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor sitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
shop
to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1) Wrap it in bacon.