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WHILE YOU WERE OUT
Real Jobs for Unreal People
Things to do after the before.
Stanley Bing
Mon Sep 03 00:00:00 EDT 2001
With the collapse of the new economy, a host of formerly employed people  are now formerly employed. Having developed their skills in the nouveau  operating environment, these ex-operators are now roaming the  brick-and-mortar business establishments of the nation and the world,  looking for ways to transfer their digital abilities to analog  assignments. 
Unfortunately, the capabilities that were valued in the halcyon days of  derring-do and flimflammery don't automatically translate to our current  situation. Yet those in the digital diaspora have enormous gifts that  took them to the top of their now defunct professions! Many are young  and good-looking. All they need, as a group, is a little help turning  the things they know into jobs that actually need to be done. As a  public service, then, let's look at some now dysfunctional functions and  how they may be morphed into lucrative gigs in the global here and now. 
Before: Web designer. Back when the Internet was cooking, there  were many, many jobs for people who designed the product. There were  sites dedicated to delivering Chinese food to your house if you wanted  it, free of charge. Others would provide you with information about  classmates you had no use for 20 years ago, free of charge. There were  online phone books, in case you had lost yours. And every site needed  designers to make all the little boxes that said things like OKAY and NO  THANKS. 
After: tattoo artist. Many of the people who were dedicated to  the Internet economy now seem to have tattoos, and need people to design  and draw them. Although this work doesn't pay as much as Web design, its  product lasts longer. Best of all, any stock options you receive are  likely to be worth about as much as those you got in your old job. 
Before: vice president, dot-com sales and marketing. Internet  companies needed more positioning than a heifer in heat. The people in  charge of this process had to know how to take the concept of the new  company, slice it up into tiny pieces, and serve it to advertisers and  consumers. 
After: meat handler. A cow is likewise inedible until it is cut  up into digestible pieces and cooked. It takes only a little study and a  slightly stronger stomach to make the transition to this sector of the  service economy. 
Before: dot-com investment banker. Trillions were raised by jolly  salespeople able to persuade otherwise conservative investors to pony up  vast sums on little more than vapors. Some of the ideas seem rather  foolish now, and the valuations placed on these companies  appear...optimistic? Recently one smart company wrote down investments  that are now worth some $48 billion less than they were a few years ago.  This is a testament to the power that messianic investment bankers  infused into the market. Shall that talent go to waste? 
After: shaman, Pulau Tiga, Malaysia. Not at all. The power of the  shaman lies in the faith he or she is able to produce in the village.  Shamans are looking for folks who believe in them implicitly because of  their ability with words and their impressive makeup and feathers. 
Before: tech sector stockbroker. In many ways, the stockbroker  was the most important player of all, once the initial money had been  raised. For while many who were involved in new-economy enterprises  believed that the product on the screen was their raison d'etre, the  real activity of the average dot-com was selling securities. The fact  that these entities were being merchandised without benefit of business  plan, cash flow, or even, much of the time, common sense only makes the  achievement of these professionals more admirable. 
After: ice salesman, Alaska. Around the globe, people want to buy  stuff simply because it is offered to them. Does anyone really need hot  dogs that plump when you cook them? Sneakers whose heels light up when  you walk? Wine that costs $400 a bottle? A car the size of a hotel room?  Cheese puffs? The genius of our system is that it creates opportunities  for those with the gift for making others part with their money happily,  simply for the pleasure of exercising the right to spend. Nobody is  better prepared to shoulder that burden. 
Before: new-media journalist. None of this would have been  possible without the staunch efforts of the journalist pundits who  prognosticated until they could prognosticate no more. The Internet was  going to replace radio, television, human speech, the microwave, sex,  drugs, and the music business. To date, it has replaced nothing but  itself. 
After: high school cheerleader. They leap! They dance! They know  which team they're on. True, standards for physical attractiveness and  fitness will have to be relaxed when these members of the fourth estate  run onto the playing field, but that's a fair trade for the verve that  they will bring to any assignment. 
Before: president and chief operating officer. This was a big  title. But the wired operating chief mostly had the job of running  around and making sure everybody got what he needed. There was little  glamour. There was a lot of worrying and aggravation as the boss lurched  around in a never-ending game of whack-a-mole trying to beat all the  challenges back with a stick. And it was the prez who was the first to  see that the conceptual emperor was walking around with nothing but his  prospectus in his hand. 
After: fast-food chef. How much more fun will this job be! Food  is something you can touch, smell, and, obviously, taste. No doubt the  pressure at mealtime can get intense, but it's nothing next to the heat  felt when the 30-year-old CFO announced the company was down to its last  $30 million. 
Before: chairman and CEO, big dotcom.com. The chairman, on the  other hand, was about as important to the dot-com nation as Mount  Rushmore is to the governance of the U.S. It's nice that it's there. It  lends to the majesty of everything. Big face? Sure. But function? No. 
After: bathrobe model. They have styles so nice these days that  you can greet visitors in them and they won't know you just woke up.  After a few years at this challenging assignment, you can graduate to  being a management consultant. 
Before: workout specialist. When it was all over, these folks  came in to mop up the broken glass, reblow it, and heave it out there  for another round. The workout job is a painful one but as cleansing and  necessary a part of the process as any other. Now that the workouts are  all but over, however, these gifted specialists are at liberty and  looking for apt employment. 
After: proctologist. It's a tough job, but somebody's got to do  it. 
 http://www.fortune.com/indexw.jhtml?channel=artcol.jhtml&doc_id=203860 
Colleague at Fortunehttp://www.fortune.com