CHILI COOK-OFFS
> >  NOTE: Please take  time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how True this is!  They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the  rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion  of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will
likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me,  you'll laugh out loud.
>  >
> >INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
> >  Notes >From An  Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
> >   Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
>  >  judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at  the
> >  last moment and I happened to be standing there at the  judge's table
> >asking   directions to the beer wagon, when  the call came. I was assured
by
> >the
> >other    two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
>  >spicy,
> >and   besides, they told me I could have free  beer during the tasting, So
I
> >  accepted."
>  >  Here are the scorecards from the event:
> >   _________________________________________________________
> >
>  >
> >CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
>  >  JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
>  >  JUDGE TWO: Nice,smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> >   FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
>  >paint
> >from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames  out. I hope
> >that's
> >the worst one. These Texans are  crazy.
> >   _________________________________________________________
> >
>  >
> >CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
> >  JUDGE  ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
> >  JUDGE  TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
>  >  FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I  am
> >  supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two  people who
> >wanted   to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They  had to rush in more beer
> >when
> >they   saw the  look on my face.
> >   __________________________________________________________
> >
>  >
> >CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
>  >  JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more  beans.
> >  JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of  peppers.
> >  FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like
> >I   have been snorting Drano. Everyone  knows the routine by now get me
> >more   beer before I  ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
> >backbone
>  >is in   the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from  all the
> >beer.
> >   ____________________________________________________________
>  >
> >
> >CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
> >   JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>  >  JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish  or
> >other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> >  FRANK:  I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
> >   taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
>  >was   standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch  is
starting
> >to   look HOT just like this nuclear waste  I'm eating. Is chili an
> >aphrodisiac?
> >   _______________________________________________________
> >
>  >
> >  CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> >
>  >  JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,  adding
> >  considerable kick. Very Impressive.
>  >
> >  JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more  tomato. Must
> >admit   the cayenne peppers make a strong  statement.
> >
> >  FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is  pouring off my forehead and I can
> >  no longer focus my eyes. I  farted and four people behind me needed
> >  paramedics. The  contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
>  >chili   had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from  bleeding by
> >pouring   beer directly on it from a pitcher.  I wonder if I'm burning my
> >lips
> >off? It    really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
>  >screaming.
> >Screw   those rednecks!
> >   ________________________________________________________
> >
>  >
> >CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> >   JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance  of
spice
> >and peppers.
> >  JUDGE TWO: The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
> >Superb.
>  >  FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with  gaseous,
> >  sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm  worried it will
> >eat   through the chair. No one seems  inclined to stand behind me except
> >that slut   Sally, She  must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
> >anymore.
>  >I   need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
> >
>  >  _____________________________________________________
>  >
> >  CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
>  >
> >  JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on  canned peppers.
> >
> >  JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if  the chef literally threw in a can of
> >  chili peppers at the  last moment. I should take note that I am worried
> >about    Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
>  >cursing
> >uncontrollably.
> >
> >  FRANK:  You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>  >wouldn't   feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the  world
> >sounds
> >like   it is made of rushing  water. My shirt is covered with chili which
> >slid
> >   unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
>  >match   my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know  what
killed
> >me.   I've decided to stop breathing, it's  too painful. Screw it, I'm not
> >getting   any oxygen  anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
> >the
>  >4-inch   hole in my stomach.
> >   ____________________________________________________
> >
>  >  JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for  all,
> >not
> >too bold but spicy enough to declare it's  existence.
> >  JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced  chili. Neither mild or
> >  hot. Sorry to see that most of it was  lost when Judge Number 3 passed
> >  out, fell over and pulled the  chili pot down on top of himself. Not
> >sure if   he's going  to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted
to
> >a
>  >really   hot chili?
> >
> >
> >
>  >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >--
>  >
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you
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> >
> >
>
>
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>

-----Original Message----- 
From: Lyle  Personette 
Sent: Wednesday, November 21, 2001  10:20 
To: Karin Peters; Adrien Lanusse; Garnor Morantes;  Lalo Segovia; Luis 
Vergara 
Subject: FW: FW: Chili contest 
> > 
> >CHILI  COOK-OFFS 
> >  NOTE: Please take time to read  this slowly. If you pay attention to 
>  >the   first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.  For 
those 
>  >of   you who have lived in Texas, you know how True this is!  They 
actually 
> >   have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes  
> >up a    major portion of the parking  lot at the Astrodome! You will 
likely 
> >want to   read this behind closed doors because, if  you are like me, you 
> >will 
> >be 
> >howling out loud.  
> > 
> >INEXPERIENCED CHILI  TASTER 
> >  Notes From An Inexperienced Chili  Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting 
> >   Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a  
> >  judge at a chili cook-off. The original person  called in sick at the 
> >  last moment and I  happened to be standing there at the judge's table 
>  >asking   directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was  assured 
by 
> >the  
> >other   two judges (Native Texans) that the  chili wouldn't be all that 
> >spicy,  
> >and   besides, they told me I could have  free beer during the tasting, So 
I 
> >  accepted." 
> >  Here  are the scorecards from the event: 
> >   _________________________________________________________ 
> > 
> > 
>  >CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI 
>  >  JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.  
> >  JUDGE TWO: Nice,smooth tomato flavor. Very  mild. 
> >  FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is  this stuff? You could remove dried 
> >paint  
> >from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the  flames out. I hope 
> >that's 
> >the worst one. These Texans are crazy. 
> >   _________________________________________________________ 
> > 
> > 
>  >CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI 
> >   JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. 
> >  JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be  taken 
seriously. 
> >   FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am  
> >  supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave  off two people who 
> >wanted   to give  me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer 
> >when 
> >they   saw the  look on my face. 
> >   __________________________________________________________ 
> > 
> > 
>  >CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI 
> >  JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs  more beans. 
> >  JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili,  a bit salty, good use of peppers. 
> >  FRANK:  Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like 
> >I   have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the  routine by now get me 
> >more   beer  before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my 
> >backbone 
> >is in   the  front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the 
> >beer. 
> >   ____________________________________________________________ 
> > 
> > 
>  >CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC 
> >  JUDGE  ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. 
> >  JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side  dish for fish or 
> >other mild foods, not much of  a chili. 
> >  FRANK: I felt something  scraping across my tongue, but was unable to 
>  >  taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the  barmaid, 
> >was   standing behind me  with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is 
starting 
> >to   look HOT just  like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an 
>  >aphrodisiac? 
> >   _______________________________________________________ 
> > 
> > 
>  >  CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER 
>  > 
> >  JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding 
> >   considerable kick. Very Impressive. 
> >  
> >  JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use  more tomato. Must 
> >admit   the cayenne  peppers make a strong statement. 
> >  
> >  FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring  off my forehead and I can 
> >  no longer  focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed 
> >  paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told  her that her 
> >chili   had given me  brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by 
> >pouring   beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder  if I'm burning my 
> >lips 
> >off? It   really pisses me off that the other judges  asked me to stop 
> >screaming. 
> >Screw   those rednecks! 
>  >  ________________________________________________________  
> > 
> > 
> >CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY 
> >  JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good  balance of 
spice 
> >and  peppers. 
> >  JUDGE TWO: The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. 
>  >Superb. 
> >  FRANK: My intestines are now  a straight pipe filled with gaseous, 
> >   sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will  
> >eat   through the chair. No one seems  inclined to stand behind me except 
> >that  slut   Sally, She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my  lips 
> >anymore. 
>  >I   need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! 
> > 
> >   _____________________________________________________ 
> > 
> >  CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S  SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI 
> > 
> >  JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on  canned peppers. 
> > 
>  >  JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can  of 
> >  chili peppers at the last moment. I  should take note that I am worried 
>  >about   Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as  he is 
> >cursing 
>  >uncontrollably. 
> > 
> >  FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,  and I 
> >wouldn't   feel a damn thing.  I've lost sight in one eye, and the world 
>  >sounds 
> >like   it is made of  rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which 
>  >slid 
> >  unnoticed out of my mouth. My  pants are full of lava-like shit to 
>  >match   my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know  what 
killed 
>  >me.   I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,  I'm not 
> >getting   any oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I'll just suck it in through 
>  >the 
> >4-inch   hole in my  stomach. 
> >   ____________________________________________________ 
> > 
> >  JUDGE ONE: A perfect  ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, 
>  >not 
> >too bold but spicy enough to declare  it's existence. 
> >  JUDGE TWO: This final  entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or 
>  >  hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3  passed 
> >  out, fell over and pulled the  chili pot down on top of himself. Not 
> >sure  if   he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have  reacted 
to 
> >a  
> >really   hot chili? 
> > 
> > 
>  > 
> > 
> >  
> > 
> > 
> > 
> >--