Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all
yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn-care
specialist. How bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to
read and write?  I'm  giving your older brother the space ranger, at
least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,   Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your mother smoked a lot of pot while she was pregnant with you,
didn't she?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck.
Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your
house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to
do with.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you 
can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the
babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son!
Let meget you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more
Pokemon cards than me. Please bring me some.
Love, Michelle
Dear Michelle,
It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy
hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of
you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game.
Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who the hell names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my
face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas 
Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making
toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and
losing all my cash at the craps table.
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
No, but I watch your mommy when she's in the shower. When 
you get older and grow titties, I'll be watching you, too.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE,
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, that's
a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Third, I get inside 
your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams!
Santa