redemption for the bridget joneses of us out here....
e
>>
>>In My Tribe
>> > > >
>> > > >October 14, 2001
>> > > >
>> > > >By ETHAN WATTERS
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >It may be true that 'never marrieds' are
>>
>> > saving themselves
>>
>>>>  > > >for something better. They may also be saving
>>>
>> > the
>>
>>>>  > > >institution of marriage while they're at it.
>>>>  > > >
>>>>  > > >You may be like me: between the ages of 25 and
>>>
>> > 39, single,
>>
>>>>  > > >a college-educated city dweller. If so, you
>>>
>> > may have also
>>
>>>>  > > >had the unpleasant experience of discovering
>>>
>> > that you have
>>
>>>>  > > >been identified (by the U.S. Census Bureau, no
>>>
>> > less) as one
>>
>>>>  > > >of the fastest-growing groups in America --
>>>
>> > the ''never
>>
>>>>  > > >marrieds.'' In less than 30 years, the number
>>>
>> > of
>>
>>>>  > > >never-marrieds has more than doubled,
>>>
>> > apparently pushing
>>
>>>>  > > >back the median age of marriage to the oldest
>>>
>> > it has been
>>
>>>>  > > >in our country's history -- about 25 years for
>>>
>> > women and 27
>>
>>>>  > > >for men.
>>>>  > > >
>>>>  > > >As if the connotation of ''never married''
>>>
>> > weren't negative
>>
>>>>  > > >enough, the vilification of our group has been
>>>
>> > swift and
>>
>>>>  > > >shrill. These statistics prove a ''titanic
>>>
>> > loss of family
>>
>>>>  > > >values,'' according to The Washington Times.
>>>
>> > An article in
>>
>>>>  > > >Time magazine asked whether ''picky'' women
>>>
>> > were ''denying
>>
>>>>  > > >themselves and society the benefits of
>>>
>> > marriage'' and in
>>
>>>>  > > >the process kicking off ''an outbreak of 'Sex
>>>
>> > and the City'
>>
>>>>  > > >promiscuity.'' In a study on marriage
>>>
>> > conducted at Rutgers
>>
>>>>  > > >University, researchers say the ''social
>>>
>> > glue'' of the
>>
>>>>  > > >family is at stake, adding ominously that
>>>
>> > ''crime rates . .
>>
>>>>  > > >. are highly correlated with a large
>>>
>> > percentage of
>>
>>>>  > > >unmarried young males.''
>>>>  > > >
>>>>  > > >Although I never planned it, I can tell you
>>>
>> > how I became a
>>
>>>>  > > >never-married. Thirteen years ago, I moved to
>>>
>> > San Francisco
>>
>>>>  > > >for what I assumed was a brief transition
>>>
>> > period between
>>
>>>>  > > >college and marriage. The problem was, I
>>>
>> > wasn't just
>>
>>>>  > > >looking for an appropriate spouse. To use the
>>>
>> > language of
>>
>>>>  > > >the Rutgers researchers, I was ''soul-mate
>>>
>> > searching.''
>>
>>>>  > > >Like 94 percent of never-marrieds from 20 to
>>>
>> > 29, I, too,
>>
>>>>  > > >agree with the statement ''When you marry, you
>>>
>> > want your
>>
>>>>  > > >spouse to be your soul mate first and
>>>
>> > foremost.'' This
>>
>>>>  > > >?ber-romantic view is something new. In a 1965
>>>
>> > survey,
>>
>>>>  > > >fully three out of four college women said
>>>
>> > they'd marry a
>>
>>>>  > > >man they didn't love if he fit their criteria
>>>
>> > in every
>>
>>>>  > > >other way. I discovered along with my friends
>>>
>> > that finding
>>
>>>>  > > >that soul mate wasn't easy. Girlfriends came
>>>
>> > and went, as
>>
>>>>  > > >did jobs and apartments. The constant in my
>>>
>> > life -- by
>>
>>>>  > > >default, not by plan -- became a loose group
>>>
>> > of friends.
>>
>>>>  > > >After a few years, that group's membership and
>>>
>> > routines
>>
>>>>  > > >began to solidify. We met weekly for dinner at
>>>
>> > a
>>
>>>>  > > >neighborhood restaurant. We traveled together,
>>>
>> > moved one
>>
>>>>  > > >another's furniture, painted one another's
>>>
>> > apartments,
>>
>>>>  > > >cheered one another on at sporting events and
>>>
>> > open-mike
>>
>>>>  > > >nights. One day I discovered that the
>>>
>> > transition period I
>>
>>>>  > > >thought I was living wasn't a transition
>>>
>> > period at all.
>>
>>>>  > > >Something real and important had grown there.
>>>
>> > I belonged to
>>
>>>>  > > >an urban tribe.
>>>>  > > >
>>>>  > > >I use the word ''tribe'' quite literally here:
>>>
>> > this is a
>>
>>>>  > > >tight group, with unspoken roles and
>>>
>> > hierarchies, whose
>>
>>>>  > > >members think of each other as ''us'' and the
>>>
>> > rest of the
>>
>>>>  > > >world as ''them.'' This bond is clearest in
>>>
>> > times of
>>
>>>>  > > >trouble. After earthquakes (or the recent
>>>
>> > terrorist
>>
>>>>  > > >strikes), my instinct to huddle with and
>>>
>> > protect my group
>>
>>>>  > > >is no different from what I'd feel for my
>>>
>> > family.
>>
>>>>  > > >
>>>>  > > >Once I identified this in my own life, I began
>>>
>> > to see
>>
>>>>  > > >tribes everywhere I looked: a house of
>>>
>> > ex-sorority women in
>>
>>>>  > > >Philadelphia, a team of ultimate-frisbee
>>>
>> > players in Boston
>>
>>>>  > > >and groups of musicians in Austin, Tex.
>>>
>> > Cities, I've come
>>
>>>>  > > >to believe, aren't emotional wastelands where
>>>
>> > fragile
>>
>>>>  > > >individuals with arrested development mope
>>>
>> > around
>>
>>>>  > > >self-indulgently searching for true love.
>>>
>> > There are rich
>>
>>>>  > > >landscapes filled with urban tribes.
>>>>  > > >
>>>>  > > >So what does it mean that we've quietly added
>>>
>> > the tribe
>>
>>>>  > > >years as a developmental stage to adulthood?
>>>
>> > Because our
>>
>>>>  > > >friends in the tribe hold us responsible for
>>>
>> > our actions, I
>>
>>>>  > > >doubt it will mean a wild swing toward
>>>
>> > promiscuity or
>>
>>>>  > > >crime. Tribal behavior does not prove a loss
>>>
>> > of ''family
>>
>>>>  > > >values.'' It is a fresh expression of them.
>>>>  > > >
>>>>  > > >It is true, though, that marriage and the
>>>
>> > tribe are at
>>
>>>>  > > >odds. As many ex-girlfriends will ruefully
>>>
>> > tell you,
>>
>>>>  > > >loyalty to the tribe can wreak havoc on
>>>
>> > romantic
>>
>>>>  > > >relationships. Not surprisingly, marriage
>>>
>> > usually signals
>>
>>>>  > > >the beginning of the end of tribal membership.
>>>
>> > From inside
>>
>>>>  > > >the group, marriage can seem like a risky
>>>
>> > gambit. When
>>
>>>>  > > >members of our tribe choose to get married,
>>>
>> > the rest of us
>>
>>>>  > > >talk about them with grave concern, as if
>>>
>> > they've joined a
>>
>>>>  > > >religion that requires them to live in a
>>>
>> > guarded compound.
>>
>>>>  > > >
>>>>  > > >But we also know that the urban tribe can't
>>>
>> > exist forever.
>>
>>>>  > > >Those of us who have entered our mid-30's find
>>>
>> > ourselves
>>
>>>>  > > >feeling vaguely as if we're living in the
>>>
>> > latter episodes
>>
>>>>  > > >of ''Seinfeld'' or ''Friends,'' as if the plot
>>>
>> > lines of our
>>
>>>>  > > >lives have begun to wear thin.
>>>>  > > >
>>>>  > > >So, although tribe membership may delay
>>>
>> > marriage, that is
>>
>>>>  > > >where most of us are still heading. And it
>>>
>> > turns out there
>>
>>>>  > > >may be some good news when we get there.
>>>
>> > Divorce rates have
>>
>>>>  > > >leveled off. Tim Heaton, a sociologist at
>>>
>> > Brigham Young
>>
>>>>  > > >University, says he believes he knows why. In
>>>
>> > a paper to be
>>
>>>>  > > >published next year, he argues that it is
>>>
>> > because people
>>
>>>>  > > >are getting married later.
>>>>  > > >
>>>>  > > >Could it be that we who have been biding our
>>>
>> > time in happy
>>
>>>>  > > >tribes are now actually grown up enough to
>>>
>> > understand what
>>
>>>>  > > >we need in a mate? What a fantastic twist --
>>>
>> > we ''never
>>
>>>>  > > >marrieds'' may end up revitalizing the very
>>>
>> > institution
>>
>>>>  > > >we've supposedly been undermining.
>>>>  > > >
>>>>  > > >And there's another dynamic worth considering.
>>>
>> > Those of us
>>
>>>>  > > >who find it so hard to leave our tribes will
>>>
>> > not choose
>>
>>>>  > > >marriage blithely, as if it is the inevitable
>>>
>> > next step in
>>
>>>>  > > >our lives, the way middle-class high-school
>>>
>> > kids choose
>>
>>>>  > > >college. When we go to the altar, we will be
>>>
>> > sacrificing
>>
>>>>  > > >something precious. In that sacrifice, we may
>>>
>> > begin to
>>
>>>>  > > >learn to treat our marriages with the
>>>
>> > reverence they need
>>
>>>>  > > >to survive.
>>>>  > > >
>>>>  > > >Ethan Watters is a writer living in San
>>>>  > > >Francisco.
>>>>  > > >
>>>
>>
>


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