> The following advice for American travellers going to France was
compiled
> from information provided by the US State Department, the CIA, the US
> Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centres for
> Disease Control
> and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know
about.
> It
> is intended as a guide for American travellers only.
>
> General Overview
>
> France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of
> Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not
> nearly
> as important as it thinks.
> It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations
of
> no
> particular importance and with not very good shopping. France is a
very
> old
> country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and Eurodisney. Among
its
> contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese
and
> the guillotine.
> Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air
> conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible for Americans
to
> get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American
visitors
> is that local people insist on speaking in French, though many will
speak
> English if shouted at. Watch your money at all times.
>
> The People
>
> France has a population of 56 million people. 52 million of these
drink
> and
> smoke (the other 4 million are small children). All French people
drive
> like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of
standing
> patiently in a queue.
> The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud,
arrogant,
> aloof and undisciplined; those are their good points. Most French
citizens
> are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their
behaviour.
> Many people are communists.
> Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie or Michel, and they kiss
each
> other when they meet. American travellers are advised to travel in
groups
> and wear baseball caps and colourful trousers for easier recognition.
>
> Safety
>
> In general, France is a safe destination, although travellers must be
> aware
> that from time to time it is invaded by Germany. Traditionally, the
French
> surrender immediately and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch
> whisky
> and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market
> prices, life for the American visitor generally goes on much as
before. A
> tunnel
> connecting France to Britain beneath the English channel has been
opened
> in
> recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to
London
> during future German invasions.
>
> History
>
> France historical figures are King Louis, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc,
> Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many
years
> and is now an airport. The French were never very imaginative and all
> their
> kings were called Louis. The French enjoyed their Revolution which set
up
> their republic. It was so successful that they did it again, and again
and
> again.
>
> Government
>
> The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are
held
> more or less continuously and always result in a draw.
>
> The French love administration so for government purposes the country
is
> divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, towns,
> communes, villages, cafes, and telephone kiosks. Each of these has its
own
> government and elections. Parliament consists of two chambers, the
Upper
> and Lower, though confusingly they are both on the ground floor, and
whose
> members are either Gaullists or Communists, neither of whom should be
> trusted by the traveller.
>
> Parliament's principal occupation is testing atomic bombs in the south
> Pacific and acting indignant and surprised when other countries
complain,
> and then complaining when the Arabs do the same in Paris. According to
the
> most current American state department intelligence, the President is
now
> someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this
time.
>
> Culture
>
> The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to
see
> why. All their music sounds the same and they have never made a movie
that
> you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.
>
> Cuisine
>
> Let's face  it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is
just a
> slug with a shell on its back. Croissants on the other hand, are
> excellent,
> although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word.
In
> general, travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers.
>
> Economy
>
> France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's
in
> Europe, which is surprising because the French hardly work at all. If
they
> are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike
and
> blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal
> exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear
weapons,
> perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns, grenade launchers, land
> mines,tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
>
Rick,

I have been forwarded this message, quite to my surprise...considering my reputation.  I should probably not have sent this to you but I will concede to the humour.

I hope you will have fun,
-Antoine




> Public Holidays
>
> France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its
361
> national holidays are: 197 Saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days,
16
> Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in
triumph as
> if he won the war single-handed Days, 18 Napolean sent into Exile
Days, 17
> Napolean Called Back from Exile Days, and 2 "France is Great and the
Rest
> of
> the World is Rubbish" Days.
>
> Conclusion
>
> France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and
a
> temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it was
not
> inhabited by French people.The best thing that can be said for France
is
> that it is not Germany.