---------------------- Forwarded by Matthew Lenhart/HOU/ECT on 07/21/2000 
10:28 AM ---------------------------


Ross Berthelot <rossberthelot@home.com> on 07/19/2000 07:17:28 PM
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cc:  

Subject: [Fwd: This is great!!!!]




-------- Original Message --------
Subject: This is great!!!!
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 2000 11:04:36 -0500
From: mbrelan@lsu.edu
To: rossberthelot@home.com,
bryancallender@hotmail.com,brian.freeman@bellsouth.com,
kpmpmk@hotmail.com,david.Q.oliveaux@us.arthurandersen.com,
drouss2@lsu.edu,jjstrecker@yahoo.com











To:  mbrelan@lsu.edu, marlena_darby@fmi.com
cc:


Subject:  This is great!!!!

A preview of next season's MNF call:


--------------------
AL MICHAELS: Hello and welcome to another edition of ABC's Monday Night
Football, tonight broadcasting from beautiful Fed Ex Field in
Washington,
D.C. I'm Al Michaels, and joining me in the booth are two new members of
the ABC family, Dennis Miller and Dan Fouts.

DENNIS MILLER: Wow, Monday Night Football. I don't want to appear
nervous,
but I'm under more strain right now than Linda Tripp's capri pants. I
have
to tell you, I'm conflicted about this. I usually like to be the
outsider,
the rabble-rouser, the iconoclast, but I also like a nice seat at a
sporting
event.
And this seat is as nice as they get - except I think I took one of
Boomer's
old squeak toys up the *** when I sat down.
DAN FOUTS: I was a quarterback.
MILLER: Thanks for that insight, Mr. Peabody. Dan Fouts, everyone. I'm
looking over here, and he's giving me that same blank stare I see when I
put
my dog on the phone. Hey, this isn't the Senior Tour, Chi Chi. Try to
keep
up.
MICHAELS: Tonight the New England Patriots will try to get started on
the
right foot after a disappointing 8-8 showing last season. They take on
the
Washington Redskins, whose owner, Daniel Snyder, has paid out $65
million
in
free agent salaries and bonus payments in the offseason and is looking
for
results.
MILLER: Snyder is throwing around cash like a screech monkey playing
with
a
pop-up Kleenex dispenser. But he's a real hard-*** - it must be great to
coach this team. Norv Turner comes to work every day, hands his balls to
Gus, the 80-year-old equipment guy, who puts them in a footlocker behind
the
Stairmaster until the end of the game. Did you catch that one ***
-chewing
Turner received last season? Lee Harvey Oswald got off easier in that
little
room at the Dallas P.D. And when Turner finally got out of there you
could
tell he was looking around, desperately praying for Jack Ruby to show up
and
end his ****ing misery.
MICHAELS: The teams are on the field, and we're almost set for the
kickoff.
FOUTS: I was the quarterback. I didn't go on the field for the kickoff.
MILLER: Jesus, Shaggy, saunter on back to the Mystery Machine and take a
breather, OK? Why don't you pick up your brain off that pile of papers
it's
holding down and see what happens when you plug it in? The game's
starting,
and I feel like Corporal Agarn trying to explain supply and demand to
the
****ing Hakowis.
MICHAELS: As always, the Fuji Blimp makes its annual appearance at
Monday
Night Football. Glad to have you back, gentlemen.
MILLER: It is balloooooooooon! (high-pitched cackle).
MICHAELS: Starting at quarterback for the Redskins will be Jeff George,
whom
I guess one could call a journeyman at this point in his career.
MILLER: I have to admit, when I saw George on the roster I thought he
had
as
much chance of making the team as Linda Hunt on the set of Baywatch.
This
guy's been around - he's called a lot of plays under a lot of centers.
He's seen more giant asses than a guest chair on the Jerry Springer
Show.
MICHAELS: Snyder spent plenty in the offseason to sign star players such
as
Deion Sanders and Darrell Green on defense.
MILLER: Yeah, but look at that Fantasia broom army of social misfits the
Redskins call an offensive line. I have a feeling that George's
appearance
tonight is going to be shorter than Mini-Me stooping over to pick up one
of
Dr. Evil's monocles.
MICHAELS: George drops back to pass, moves out of the pocket and finds
the
veteran Michael Westbrook, who is tackled after an 11-yard gain.
MILLER: Look, I'm new, I don't know that much about defensive schemes.
But
it seems to me right there that the middle was as vacant as an interview
with Posh Spice.
FOUTS: I was in a Miller beer commercial, and your last name is Miller.
MILLER: Hey, Aristotle, save some of the probing insight for the rest of
us,
OK? How come I'm getting the funny feeling that this is an episode of
The
Munsters, and I'm Marian, the normal one? Now, I don't want to get off
on
a
rant here, but the useful comments coming from your side of the booth
could
be counted on the one hand of a bad wood shop teacher. I can still see
the
jelly on your forehead where the electroshock terminals were attached.
When
I took this job, they didn't tell me that I would be teamed with Pepe
the
Human Hamster on one side, and on the other a broken-down ex-quarterback
who
makes Jethro Bodine look like David Niven. I want to find the psychotic
network programmers who thought up this train wreck and point out that
this
**** has to be harder to watch than a sausage being made.
FOUTS: I like sausage.
MILLER: Ah **** it, where's my propeller hat?
MICHAELS: The handoff is to Stephen Davis, who is tackled at the 39-yard
line by defensive tackle Henry Thomas. But there's a flag on the play.
MILLER: I'd have to say that was the poorest result since O.J. took the
lie-detector test. And look at that ref, will ya? He's got more nervous
tics
than a Belfast valet.
MICHAELS: That play will be brought back, making it first and 20 from
the
49-yard line.
MILLER: Hey, who took my Raisinettes? Damn you, Roone Arledge! Damn you
to
hell!
MICHAELS: George back to pass ... and the throw to Westbrook falls
incomplete. Ty Law covering on the play.
MILLER: I don't want to be a downer here, but how about throwin' the
freakin' ball to the other side of the field, you know, cha-cha? You've
got
Westbrook drawing a bigger crowd than Anna Kournikova at the
maximum-security lockdown at Rikers, while meanwhile the kid on the
other
side is lonelier than a hooker at a Star Trek convention.
MICHAELS: To be fair, there have only been four plays so far.
MILLER: Come on Al, you missing link. That receiver is being shunned
like an Amish kid with a nipple ring. The left side of the field is to
George as a shower is to the French. You've got a better shot at hearing
Charlie
Sheen give the keynote address at a Promise Keepers rally than you do of
ever -
MICHAELS: Sorry to break in on you, Dennis, but Washington is guilty of
a
false start, and that will set them back another five yards.
MILLER: The ref is whipping out that flag like it's the only lighter at
a
crack house.
Later that evening:
MICHAELS: So your final score is Washington 17, New England 10. We're
headed
off to San Francisco for our next Monday night broadcast, hope to see
you
there.
MILLER: I may be late; I don't fly. It'll be me in my Chevy Nova playing
Mad
Max with the Madden Cruiser all the way down Route 66, and you'll know
I'm
winning when Pavorotti starts hurling six-legged turkeys out the
skylight
for ballast.
MICHAELS: What will you be doing with your remaining time in Washington,
D.C.?
FOUTS: Doing a little sightseeing.
MILLER: I'll be back at the hotel, masturbating like a red-assed monkey
watching the Banana Channel.
MICHAELS: So from all of us here at Monday Night Football, see you next
week...