?

Dear Santa: 

Listen you fat little troll, I've been  helping you out every year, playing 
at 
being the perfect Christmas present,  wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid 
weather, and drowning in fake tea  from one too many tea parties, and I hate 
to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S  DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better 
be some changes around here this  Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a 
nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you  won't wanna be around to smell it). 

So, here's my holiday wish list,  Santa: 

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized  sweatshirt. I'm 
sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these  bathing suits 
gonna 
get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have  nylon and Velcro 
crawling up your butt? 

2. Real underwear that can  be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What 
bonehead at Mattel decided to  cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my 
skin? (It looks like  cellulite). 

3. A REAL man... maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo  over that 
wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that  earring anyway? 
If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him and  me anatomically 
correct. 

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push  the aforementioned Ken-wimp away 
once he is anatomically correct. 

5.  Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just 
get  it done. 

6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery. 

7. A  new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about 
a  
systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account executive. 

8.  A new, more '90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a miniature  
container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips;  
"Animal Rights Barbie," with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake  
fur 
coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable  Nicotrol 
patch and equipped with several packs of gum. 

9. No more  McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl. 

10. Mattel  stock options. It's been 37 years, I think I deserve it. 

OK, Santa,  that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I 
don't think  these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can 
find yourself  a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple. 

Yours truly,  

Barbie 

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