> Memo To: All Employees
> Subject: New Policies
>
> Sick Days:
>
> We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as
> proof of sickness. If you
> are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come
> to work.
>
> Surgery:
>
> Operations are now banned. As long as you are an
> employee here, you need all
> your organs. You should not consider removing
> anything. We hired you intact.
> To have something removed constitutes a breach of
> employment.
>
> Bereavement Leave:
>
> This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
> you can do for dead
> friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort
> should be made to have
> non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare
> cases, where employee
> involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
> scheduled in the late
> afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
> through your lunch hour and
> subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share
> of the work is enough
> to keep the job going in your absence.
>
> Your Own Death:
>
> This will be accepted as an approved excuse.
> However, we do require at least
> 2 weeks advance notice, as it is your duty to train
> your replacement.
>
> Rest Room Use:
>
> Entirely too much time is being spent in the
> restrooms. Therefore, in the
> future all employees will follow the practice of
> going in alphabetical
> order. For instance, those whose names begin with
> 'A' will go from 8:00 to
> 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go
> from 8:10 to 8:20, and so
> on. If you're unable to go at your time,
> it will be necessary to wait until the next day when
> your time comes again.
> In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their
> time with another
> co-worker. However, both employee supervisors must
> approve this exchange in
> writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute
> time limit in the
> stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will
> sound,
> the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall
> door will
> open.
>
> Paycheck Guide:
>
> The following guide has been prepared to help our
> employees better
> understand their paychecks.
>
> Example: Gross pay $1,222.02
>
> Income tax 244.40
> Outcome tax 45.21
> State tax 11.61
> Interstate tax 61.10
> County tax 6.11
> City tax 12.22
> Rural tax 4.44
> Back tax 1.11
> Front tax 1.16
> Side tax 1.61
> Up tax 2.22
> Tic-tacs 1.98
> Thumbtacks 3.93
> Carpet tacks .98
> Stadium tax .69
> Flat tax 8.32
> Surtax 3.46
> Corporate tax 2.60
> Parking fee 5.00
> FICA 81.88
> TGIF fund 9.95
> Life insurance 5.85
> Health insurance 16.23
> Dental insurance 4.50
> Mental insurance 4.33
> Reassurance .11
> Disability 2.50
> Ability .25
> Liability 3.41
> Unreliability 10.99
> Coffee 6.85
> Coffee cups 66.51
> Floor rental 6.85
> Chair rental .32
> Desk rental 4.32
> Union dues 5.85
> Union don'ts 3.77
> Cash advance .69
> Cash retreats 121.35
> Overtime 1.26
> Undertime 54.83
> Eastern time 9.00
> Central time 8.00
> Mountain time 7.00
> Pacific time 6.00
> Oxygen 10.02
> Water 16.54
> Heat 51.42
> Cool air 26.83
> Hot air 20.00
> Miscellaneous 113.29
> Various 8.01
>
>
> Net Pay $0.12
>
> Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are
> here to provide a positive
> employment experience.
>
> All questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
> frustrations, irritations,
> aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
> accusations, comtemplations,
> consternations, or input should be directed
> elsewhere. Have a nice week.
>
>
>


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