26 RULES FOR BEING A GOOD REPUBLICAN IN 21st CENTURY AMERICA
> 
> 1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was
> due entirely to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but that
> yesterday's gas prices are all Clinton's fault.
> 
> 2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success
> all on their own.
> 
> 3. You have to be against government programs, but expect your Social
> Security checks on time, whether you need the money or not.
> 
> 4. You have to believe that government should stay out of people's
> lives,
> yet you want government to regulate only opposite-gender marriages and
> what your official language should be.
> 
> 5. You have to believe that pollution is OK, so long as it makes a
> profit.
> (The Christie Whitman rule!!)
> 
> 6. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as people don't
> pray
> to Allah, Krishna or Buddha.
> 
> 7. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
> 
> 8. You have to believe that women cannot be trusted with decisions about
> 
> their own bodies, but that large multinational corporations should have
> no regulation or interference whatsoever.
> 
> 9. You know you love Jesus and that Jesus loves you and that Jesus
> shares
> your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.
> 
> 10. You have to believe that society is colorblind and growing up black
> in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote
> for
> Alan Keyes.
> 
> 11. You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50
> 
> million dollars to attack Clinton because no other U.S. presidents have
> ever been unfaithful to their wives.
> 
> 12. You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun
> is
> bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for
> all
> Americans.
> 
> 13. You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools,
> because
> we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.
> 
> 14. You have to believe that the American Civil Liberties Union is bad
> because they defend the Constitution, while the National Rifle
> Association
> is good because they defend the Constitution.
> 
> 15. You have to believe that socialism hasn't worked anywhere, and that
> Europe doesn't exist.
> 
> 16. You have to believe the AIDS virus is not important enough to
> deserve
> federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the
> public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore
> it, it will go away.
> 
> 17. You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals
> of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the
> 
> Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is good reading.
> 
> 18. You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more
> 
> Americans than private handguns, alcohol, and tobacco.
> 
> 19. You have to believe that even though governments have supported the
> arts for 5000 years and that most of the great works of Renaissance art
> were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such
> support.
> After all, the rich can afford to buy their own and the poor don't need
> any.
> 
> 20. You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old
> 
> growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests and
> the extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein.
> 
> 21. You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt
> Gingrich,
> Henry Hyde, and Bob Livingston for their marital infidelities, but that
> bastard Clinton should be impeached.
> 
> 22. You have to believe that taking RU486 is murder, but the electric
> chair is a deterrent.
> 
> 23. You have to believe that the way to fix the military is to spend
> more
> money, the way to fix the schools is to spend less.
> 
> 24. You have to believe in mandatory sentencing for cocaine users,
> unless
> they are attending Yale at the time.
> 
> 25. You have to believe that new hiways in the suburbs are an
> investment,
> public transportation is a subsidy.
> 
> 26. You have to believe scientists when they say a space based
> anti-missile
> defense system is feasible, but that global warming is a figment of
> their
> imagination.
> 
> 
> _________________________________________________________________
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