Things You Can't Say With A Hallmark  Card... 
 
1. "Looking back over the years that we've been  together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I  thinking?" 
 
2. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad  no one likes your wife." 
 
3. "How could two people as  beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?" 
 
4. "I've always  wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've  changed my mind." 
 
5. "I must admit, you brought Religion in  my life. I never believed in Hell until I met  you." 
 
6. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that  you're not here to ruin it for me." 
 
7. "If I get  only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister." 
 
8.  "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me.  Like  the need for therapy..." 
 
9. "Thanks for being a part of my  life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!" 
 
10.  "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take  this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again." 
 
11. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you." 
 
12.  "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Life  like! 
 
13. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me  for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew  toys." 
14. "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we  call it quits." 
 
15. "I'm so miserable without you, it's  almost like you're here." 
 
16. "Congratulations on your new  bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who  the father  was?" 
 
17. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a  sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and  think of you often." 
18. "Your friends and I wanted to do  something special for your birthday-so we're having you put to  sleep." 
 
19. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in  Kentucky)