I told you I would ask her not to do that anymore.

-----Original Message-----
From: Jeff.Dasovich@enron.com [mailto:Jeff.Dasovich@enron.com]
Sent: Monday, October 02, 2000 10:34 AM
To: Prentice Sellers
Subject: RE: I'm sorry



I just feel that things have gotten so bad that maybe it's in part a
reaction on your part that you don't think I'm committed, and that hurts,
too.  After last nite's discussion with your parents, that's all that I
could surmise.

I announced to my Corporation that I wouldn't be accepting a promotion
because I'm committed to you.  Yet there's no recognition of that
whatsoever.  But even with that commitment, I don't think we're ready, at
least not right now; but I've been working toward the time when we are
ready.  But lately it just seems to have deteriorated to a horrible state.
And I'm tired of your Mother making it seem "perverse" that we're not
married, and I don't need to have her continue repeating it.

I am also very tired of your Mother's insinuations---and less than
insinuations.  I can talk very comfortably and rationally with your Dad and
I value those discussions.  But your Mother's constant implications that
your some big victim and I'm a very big asshole has worn very thin and it's
inappropriate and rude.  It's particularly troublesome coming from someone
with a less than untarnished relationship history.  As you know, I don't
react well to dogmatism and preaching.  Your Dad takes a very different
tack.



Prentice
Sellers              To:     Jeff.Dasovich@enron.com
<psellers@pac        cc:
bell.net>            Subject:     RE: I'm sorry

10/02/2000
12:25 PM





Jeff, I'm sorry my parents did that last night.  I will ask them not to do
that again.  And I am not upset about us not getting married or moving in
together.  I would like for our relationship to evolve and grow into
something like that.  All I was saying is that we have a communication
problem if you think we've talked about it and I don't think we have.  If I
ever thought you wanted me to move in with you, I would have done it.  That
has nothing to do with selling my house.  But I'm not upset about it
either.
You seem to be putting a lot of words in my mouth in this email about what
I
want that I'm not telling you about and none of it is true.

But most importantly, I was NOT calling you a liar or an asshole.  When I
said honest, I was talking about being straightforward and communicating in
a way that doesn't make me have to guess what you're really saying.  It had
nothing to do with lying and I never accused you of lying.  I hope you
understand that.  And I certainly never EVER called you an asshole last
night.  Jeff, I really don't think this has to be an argument.  But it's
very sad to me that you don't think we care enough about each other to be
committed to this relationship.  That's a pretty serious blow.

-----Original Message-----
From: Jeff.Dasovich@enron.com [mailto:Jeff.Dasovich@enron.com]
Sent: Monday, October 02, 2000 9:17 AM
To: Prentice Sellers
Subject: Re: I'm sorry



Prentice:
I'm happy to talk.  However, if you're unhappy because 1) I haven't asked
you to marry me, or 2) I haven't asked you to move in together, or 3) I
haven't asked you to have children, then you need to say so.  I'm very
upset to think that the only time I hear what you feel, or what your mother
believes you feel, or what your father believes you feel, is when we're
having dinner with your parents and they impose their limited view of our
relationship on the situation.  I'm not interested in debating my personal
relationship with you with your parents as a substitute for our
communicating---that's not a relationship.  Nor am I interested in living
my life according to what your parents or my parents or anyone else's
parents wish they'd done.  If I had ever had someone call you the way
Cameron called me on Saturday night, you would have screamed at me for
days.  Yet, when it's the other way, there's always a difference, always a
reason.  It seems like rather than communicate we are continually engaged
in a rhetorical exercise.  It 's very upsetting, and it's the sort of
one-way street that has me so deeply depressed about how we interact.

If you feel that I'm dishonest, or too dominant or not committed to the
relationship, then you need to say so---I shouldn't have to hear it in
vague terms from your parents over dinner.  And if you want to move in
together, or get married, or have children, then perhaps it would be
constructive for you to say so, and offer ways in which we would make that
happen.  From my perspective, all you've ever considered is 1) not selling
your house---for a variety of reasons that I don't understand or 2) buying
another place with Cameron.  But I'm not dating you and your sister, I'm
dating you.  So it seems to me that if you were committed to it, you would
search a solution.  Instead, it seems to me, none of those things occur,
but I'm an asshole for not having moved in with you, or married you or had
children with you.  That's lose-lose and everyone can call me an asshole,
but it won't change things.

It seems to me that two things have to happen for people to make a
commitment.  First, they have to care for each other, and the way we
interact, it's hard to say objectively that we pass that hurdle.  You have
frequently asked your parents to stop arguing, that it upsets you too much,
but that's what we spend most of our time doing.  Second, each person has
to be emotionally mature enough to undertake the responsibilities that come
with the commitment.  I've always wanted to be your partner, not your older
brother, and not your father.  I want an equal partnership where both
individuals are pouring into the relationship, even when it's difficult,
even when it's inconvenient.   If you're looking for a different dynamic in
a relationship, then we need to get it clear.  I don't think we pass these
two hurdles and so I don't think we're quite ready for the commitment,
though I've been working hard at trying to get there, and think we could.
But if we're not ready, I'm not going to do it to please your parents or my
parents or anyone else.

We can talk all day long about what an asshole I am, but I'm not willing to
do that anymore.  And if that's a requirement, then I will fail and we
shouldn't waste our time.  It takes two, pure and simple.  I'm very sorry
that work is overwhelming right now and that I go to school and am in the
process of fulfilling something I've always wanted to do--have property on
the coast.  If you feel that we can't have the relationship you want or
need because of my schedule, then you need to tell me.

If you want to talk about these issues, that's great, but I just feel that
"you never said this,"  and "no, this is what I said," and all the spinning
and debating is a diversion that doesn't get to the real issues.   I was
very upset that after the conversation we had with your parents, which I am
very unhappy about, you call to me I lied  about something.  After this
long, if you want to discuss my dishonesty, then I think we need to take a
hard look at why we're in this at all.  So I'm happy to talk, but not on
the phone, and not about who's the bigger asshole, or who's a lying
son-of-a-bitch.