FYI.  ILY.  JTW.

>===== Original Message From ordinarylife-owner@yahoogroups.com =====
ORDINARY LIFE - Thoughts and Ideas to Help You Live a Happier Life

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Summary of February 17, 2002

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Dear Folks ?

   When we gathered on Sunday, I spoke with you about the importance and
value of great questions in our lives. During this season of Lent I am
focusing on themes having to do with the metaphorical movement from -
   bondage into freedom,
      darkness into light,
         Death into life.
   We did take an excursion to talk about the importance of managing one's
state of mind and I spoke about two ways to do that ? how we manage our
bodies and how we manage the focus of our attention.
   Then we revisited the Quest for the Holy Grail story because I had had so
many questions about it. Indeed, I wasn't able to finish what I had planned
to say (we'll wrap that up next week ? along with the telling of another
story I learned from Robert Johnson.)
   What follows is the full text of the presentation.

Much love,

Bill Kerley

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Quest I On

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   When you leave the sessions that we share together here, I want you to
leave feeling better than you did when you came in the door. Better about
yourself, better about your life, better about your relationships, better
about what you do, better about where you live - I'm not talking about the
physical place where you live; though that might be involved.

   I just love this season of the year. In the liturgical calendar we call
it "Lent." It is that time from Ash Wednesday to Easter Sunday when we make
what I call the journey from bondage to freedom, from darkness into light,
from death into life. So much of our spiritual journey can be put under the
general theme of a journey, or a quest.

   The principles of Ordinary Life are about the beliefs and behaviors we
can have that will empower us to have an enhanced experience of life.

   How can you get what you really want out of your life on a daily basis?
That's the question. Well, it may not be the question but it is an important
one.

   Question. That's what we are going to talk some about today - questions.
The word "question" can be written as a sentence: "Quest I on."

   We are on a quest. We are in fact spending the precious moments of our
lives on a quest for something. Is the one you are on what you want? Really?

   In order to get what you really want, you have to, what? Know what you
want. But even more than that in the belief system we are bringing to our
work in here - as reflected by the Ordinary Life principles, wanting just
anything and everything misses the point. What do you want?

   Most responses to this question are so general and not what we really
want anyway. A lot of people last night hoped to win the lottery. People
think that having lots of money would bring them happiness. But I would
contend that it is not the money that people want. People don't want little
pieces of green paper with dead presidents pictures on them. People want
what they think they are going to get from those things - freedom, fun, the
ability to get with others, to have some kind of pleasure.

   I want to put kind of a parenthesis in here before we come back to the
heart of the matter.

   One of the most important things we can do to create the power, the joy
and the passion we really want to live our lives with is to learn to manage
our own states of mind. If you don't do this, it will cost you virtually
everything you really want in your life - friends, family, success, and joy
on a daily basis.

   What determines how you feel?

   How you feel at any moment in time is purely designed by and the result
of how you are directing your own mind and body at that moment. No matter
what is happening in your life, you are in control - unless you are in
intense physical pain or stressed to the point of exhaustion and mental
failure - of your own state. Once you understand this and use it, you have
control of your life at a whole new level. You can have more fun, joy, and
passion than you ever dreamed of once you take that responsibility and take
that control.

   Some people resist this notion because it is close to the principle of
our having a moral obligation to be happy. It is a heavy responsibility but
look at those who never learned to manage their state. Almost every week -
sometimes it seems like every day - you read in the paper of people who seem
to have had all that would make most happy but didn't learn to manage their
state within themselves. There is a major price to pay in not managing your
state. For example, a tragic event can happen in one person's life and,
after an appropriate time for physical and emotional adjustment, they are
able to let the event go and move on in their lives. For other people, they
seem to hang on to bitter disappointments forever. It is all a matter of
learning to manage your state of mind. In managing it there are major
rewards.

   How do you do it? There are two primary ways to control your state of
mind.
   1. Controlling the way you use your physical body.
   2. Controlling your mental focus. That is, what you pay attention to,
what you think about, what you picture, what you say to yourself when you
talk to yourself.

   Let's talk about each for a moment.

   First, let's see how we can use our physical bodies to create the
emotions we want at any moment in time.

   In order to feel anything in life, you feel it through your physical
body.

   Do this exercise: Stand up. Tall. Breathe fully. Look up. Put a huge
silly grin on your face. Now, without changing any aspect of your body, get
depressed. You can't do it. Changing your body sends a totally different
message to your brain. The way we move our facial muscles, the way we
gesture, the way we walk, the pace at which we talk - all of these things
determine how we feel in any given moment. So when we feel bad, just talking
positively to ourselves or making affirmations is not enough.

   When most Americans don't like the way they feel, they do something to
change their body. Drink, smoke, or eat.

   Find some gestures and movements you can make that will instantly change
your state. These are your power moves.

   How, for example, would you walk if you felt totally successful and
unstoppable? Sit the way you would be sitting if you had five times more
energy than you ever can remember. Breathe the way you would if you felt
strong and excited and energized. Put a facial expression on you would have
if you felt totally passionate and excited.

   Now go from this state to being in a state of boredom. Sit that way.
Bored and tired. What did you change?  Notice.

   Though this may sound weird, this is a valuable skill to have. Developing
new ways to handle your body is a most valuable way to change states.

   Learn how to use your physical body to have enough energy to live with
passion and enthusiasm.

   A second way to change your state of mind and spirit is to control and
direct the focus of your mind. That is, what are you paying attention to
right now at this moment? There is tremendous power in controlling the focus
of your mind.

   We can control what we are focusing on. That is, what we are picturing in
our mind, what we are saying to ourselves.

   If you go to a party the only things you will have feelings about are the
things you focus on. The problem is that you can?t focus on everything. We
become deletion creatures. The price we pay for this is to walk around
believing that our experience of the world is real.

   Some people have, and we'll get into reasons for this in a moment,
trained themselves to notice what they don't want and what they don't like.
Guess what shows up for them in life? What they don't want! What they don't
like!

   If you want the party of your life to be one you are happy with and not
one you are upset with, you have to focus on what makes you feel great.

   The quality of your life is the quality of the state of mind you live in
day to day. How you feel day to day determines how you treat yourself, how
you treat other people, how great you feel about your life. What determines
this is how you use your body and what and how you focus on things. This is
how some overcome tragedy and how others don?t.

   No matter how good it is, you can always focus on something that isn't
perfect or doesn't match your expectations.

   Success is creating consistent pleasure in your life and causing yourself
to grow. Failure is being able to find pain no matter how good it is.

   Understand we are always making decisions about what to focus on. Our
hope is in turning off the automatic pilot and taking control. When you do,
you instantly change the quality of your life.

   In life, we get what we focus on. Whatever you pay attention to is what
you experience instantly.

   If you feel a certain way on an ongoing basis it is because you ask
certain questions on an ongoing basis.

   "Why does this always happen to me?" The presupposition is that bad
things are always happening to you. Do you presuppose things that limit you,
that put you down, or that create consistent feelings of success in your
life?

   The quality of your life is based on the quality of your questions.

   Asking, for example, about a horrible situation, what can I learn from
this that will enhance my life and the life of others as well? How can I use
this situation to help me create more power for me and for others?

   If angry at someone you might ask, "What do I respect about this person?"

   Or, "What is funny about this that I haven't noticed yet?"

   When you ask such questions, you have to be willing really to search for
the answer. Ask with a sincere interest and desire for an answer.

   What could I do today that would be more fun than ever before? To connect
more with my loved ones?

   Here are some questions I use:

   What am I most happy about in my life right now? What about that makes me
happy? What else am I happy about?

   What am I really excited about in my life right now? What about that
makes me excited?

   What am I really grateful for in my life right now?
You will feel a state change when you answer these questions.

   Come up with some questions whose answers can put you in the state you
want and read them every morning.

   You are already doing this. I'm suggesting that you do it in a way that
is useful.

   I want to revisit a story I read to you just a few weeks ago. The story
is The Quest of the Holy Grail. It is a story rich in meaning and
significance. I've had a number of questions seeking clarification.

   When the knights of King Arthur's court had seen an apparition of the
Grail through a veil, they determined to go on a quest to find it. Remember
this is a myth and it is filled with symbolic/metaphorical language. The
knight energy within us serves the king. The king energy is that which
reflects our sense of integrity and wholeness; our understanding of who we
are and what our purpose in this life is. In the story the knights thought,
"We should go out together to find the Grail." But then they realized that
this could be "a disgrace." No, each must go alone into the forest and enter
at the point he himself would choose, "where it was darkest and there was no
path." The vision of and the search for the Grail is the quest for meaning
and purpose.

   Entering the forest alone at the darkest spot, this is the road less
traveled. This is the hero?s journey. These times together in Ordinary Life
are designed for those ready to take such a journey.

   The word hero is related to the words heresy and heretic. All three are
derived from a Greek word meaning "able to choose." A hero is a chooser. A
hero chooses the questions of his or her life and therefore the quest that
person chooses to live.

   For all of us, the question is the quest-I-on. The questions we ask ? or
fail to ask ? shape the journeys of our lives. What distinguishes the person
who is experiencing abundant life from the rest is that he or she chooses
the questions and earnestly seeks their answers. The rest follow the lead of
society.

   My question to you is this: will you live your life from the heart,
develop a heart of compassion, or live your life conventionally from the
prescribed role?

   Wisdom asks the right questions.

   So much of what is important in life is around questions.

   "Daddy, why is the sky blue?"
   "Who made the world?"
   "What would you do if you won the lottery?"

   In the Bible, the questions are so important.

   "Adam, where are you?"
   "Am I my brother's keeper?"
   "Master, what must I do to inherit eternal life?"
   "Who is my neighbor?"
   "Simon, do you love me?"

   Wisdom asks the right questions.

   Enlightenment is about knowing the person who asks the question.

   The more expansive our questions, the wider our consciousness.

   King Midas asked for gold. King Solomon asked for wisdom. What are you
asking for?

   The story of our lives doesn't really get interesting until we know what
we want.

   Questions ignite your mind like spark plugs ignite the engine of your
car.

   Is it time to get up?
   What shall I wear?
   What shall I have for breakfast?
   What is on my schedule for today?
   Will she make me happy?
   Will he be faithful?
   What will people think?
   How can I pay my bills?

   Point? Most of our questions are so automatic we don't even notice them.
But they shape our lives. Becoming mindful is becoming aware of the
questions you are asking.

   What are the dominant questions of your life? They determine your life's
direction and shape. So, if you want to change the shape of your life,
change your questions.

   Our automatic questions lead to one kind of life. Here is another order
of questions altogether: "Who am I? What in the world am I doing here? How
can I serve? What is the meaning of my life?" These questions clearly lead
to something else.

   In the Grail myth story the hero is the one who is adequate to "Grail
Quest." His adequacy is not a matter of big muscles or intellectual
refinement, but of a simple, childlike heart. Parzival often seems something
of a fool. The line between the hero and the fool is always thin.

   Parzival is raised by his mother. Even if you were raised by a mechanical
monkey, you have a mother. His father was a knight and came to his end in
the way knights often do. Mother would see to it that the same thing not
happen to her fair-haired boy. She secludes him from knightly things and
stories. Of course, this fails. It always does.

   One day three knights show up in bright and shining armor and the boy is
enchanted. Enchantment is when we fall "in love" with someone or something
with the belief that if we could just possess it or be possessed by it, then
we will "live happily every after." Mother then hopes to have him ridiculed
out of his questions.

   She wants him to give up this foolish business of heroic intentions. Many
people do give up their dreams to please mother, or "mother" as projected
onto their spouses. "What will people think?" kind of thing, you know.

   So she gives him a pitiful old nag of a horse and a ridiculous costume,
one that makes him look exactly like a fool. The tribe never equips us to
leave it. We have to find those tools on our own.

   Every one on the quest must be prepared to face ridicule. If you want to
be sure of yourself, do what society tells you to do. If you want to break
out of the conventional mold you must figure out for yourself what you are
about.

   Some people blithely quote Joseph Campbell's great line that says "follow
your bliss." This doesn't mean following some silly whim. It means knowing
your mission/purpose on this planet and doing whatever is required to
fulfill it.  Campbell became a world famous authority on myth because he did
what was required, in the face of ridicule and much opposition, to gain that
position.

   The heart of the story of Parzival and his quest for the Grail is
suggested in his first encounter in the Grail castle. After various
adventures, Parzival has sort of stumbled into the Grail castle. This is the
wisdom of innocence. The purity of the simple fellow gets him into the Grail
castle. We must indeed become like children. Gentle as doves. But, we must
also be as wise as serpents.

   In the castle lives a king who is sorely wounded. The king's illness has
brought devastation to the kingdom ? it has become the Wasteland.

   All of us, to some degree, get wounded growing up.

   In the process of surviving, the child interprets experience in three
ways:

   The first is in the bonding experiences ? or lack of them ? that we have.
The child interprets the tactile and emotional bonding, or lack thereof, as
a statement about life in general. Is it predictable and nurturing, or is it
uncertain, painful and precarious? This primal perception shapes the child?s
ability to trust. All sorts of factors can influence ? death in the family,
illness, etc.

   Second are the behaviors the child observes growing up. The child
internalizes specific behaviors of the parent as a statement about self. So,
a parent?s depression, anger or anxiety will be interpreted as a statement
about the child. A man asked his dying father, "Why were we never close?"
The father went into a tirade, "Do you remember when you were ten and you
dropped your toy in the toilet and I had to work to get it out?" The list of
trivial events continued. The son had always thought of himself unworthy.
His father set him free by revealing his craziness.

   Then there are the beliefs that are handed to the child. The child
observes the behaviors of the adults around her or him, their struggles with
life, and internalizes not only these behaviors but also the attitudes they
imply about the self and the world. Years ago, I would experience an
uneasiness when my wife bought new clothes. What I got to in my analysis was
a memory of my mother taking me with her to buy new hats when she was
depressed. She would try one on and ask me if it looked good enough to get
her a compliment. Very inappropriate!

   Parzival can redeem the king and the kingdom by asking a simple question..
The wounded king is brought before him, and Parzival wants to ask, "What
ails thee, brother?" But he has been told good knights don't ask a lot of
questions. The decisive moment for him is the choice between acting from his
heart or from his role as a knight. He fails; innocence is not enough, for
he has already been socially indoctrinated. It has caused him to doubt the
promptings of his heart.

   He chooses to act the way he thought he was supposed to. He muffed his
opportunity for the Grail because he was trying so hard to be a good boy. He
goes to bed that night, and when he gets up in the morning, the castle is
empty. As he leaves the castle, he hears a voice shouting, "You silly goose..
Why didn't you open your mouth and ask the lord the Question?" One of the
experiences of mid-life is to "wake up" and discover that the castle is
empty. What we do then is critically important.

   Though a little dense, he soon enough comes to realize that he has missed
his chance. He is really depressed. He could see now that his being so slow
to ask the question as he sat beside the sorrowing king has cost him.

   So, for the next five long years he tries desperately to find his way
back to the castle. He is booed and jeered. Everyone knows he has failed and
everywhere is the desolation of the Wasteland.

   But he is gaining the wisdom of experience, of commitment, loyalty, and
dedication. His journey weaves through a maze-like set of experiences
through which he comes to redeem and understand his past. Holding to his
quest, his question, provides him with the ball of string that he can unwind
and find his way out of the wasteland and back to the Grail castle. You may
well want to find a spiritual teacher or therapist to help you understand
and know the one who is asking the question. But don't look to that person
to provide the question for you. All the answers you need about your life
you already have within you.

   Of course, he eventually triumphs and, in fact, becomes himself the Grail
King. Through his tenacity of purpose, or loyalty to the Quest, he makes it..

   Just so, all who take up the great Quest-i-ons of life and hold
tenaciously to them will enter into a marvelous life, the life of their
destiny.

   For Parzival, and I think for you and me, too; the basic issue is
compassion. In other words, "What ails thee, brother? What ails thee,
sister?" Jesus talked about tending to needs of the least of these, his
brothers and sisters.

   If around you it looks like a wasteland, the way out is through the
heart. If the heart is not the center of your life, you are not really
living; you are inauthentic. This is what the Grail story, and Jesus, and
others, tell us.

   Whatever is at the center of your life will be the source of security,
guidance, wisdom and power.

   When next we gather, I'll make some remarks about the rest of the Grail
story and what the words "security," "guidance," "wisdom" and "power" mean.

   The loving heart, the heart of compassion is the reality of human life.
The desire to be what you are is what begins to wake you up.

   No matter where you go this week, no matter what happens, remember this:
You are carrying precious cargo. Watch your step.

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Ordinary Life is a gathering that provides an opportunity to develop an
enlightened heart and an awakened mind to the reality of the present moment..

The gathering meets on Sunday mornings at 9:45 am in Fondren Hall at St.
Paul's UMC - 5501 South Main, Houston, Texas and is taught by Dr. Bill
Kerley. If you would like more information -

Contact

Bill Kerley -

E-Mail - Bill@bkspeaks.com
Web - www.bkspeaks.com
Voice - 713-663-7771
Fax - 713-663-6418
Mail - 6300 West Loop South, Suite 480 Bellaire, TX  77401
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Dr. William C. Kerley
Personal Growth Strategies
6300 West Loop South
Suite 480
Bellaire, TX 77401-2903

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