Looks ok to me.




Paul Goddard
09/27/99 04:51 AM
To: Kal Shah/HOU/ECT@ECT, Justin Boyd/LON/ECT@ECT, Mark - ECT Legal 
Taylor/HOU/ECT@ECT
cc: Louise Kitchen/lon/ect, David Forster/LON/ECT@ECT, Marcello 
Romano/LON/ECT@ECT 
Subject: Re: Home Page Text: Rephrased First Paragraph

Kal/Justin/Mark - we would like to make a minor change to the first paragraph 
of the
home page text.  Could you please reply by email indicating either your 
approval
or suggested changes if there are any PR or legal issues?

Thanks.


Current Home Page Text (All): 

Welcome to EnronOnline, the world's first Web-
enabled system for wholesale buying and selling
 the full range of energy products and much more. 

EnronOnline delivers easy, free of charge access
 to hundreds of commodity prices across the
 globe with the click of a mouse. Click here for a 
preview. 

Like what you see? Apply to Register now or 
obtain a Guest Account and experience how 
EnronOnline puts the Energy into E-Commerce. 


Proposed New First Paragraph:

Welcome to EnronOnline, the world,s first Web-
based system enabling companies to buy and sell
the full range of wholesale energy products online.

(the remainder of the text  remains unchanged, as above)
  
---------------------- Forwarded by Paul Goddard/LON/ECT on 27/09/99 10:44 
---------------------------


Louise Kitchen
24/09/99 17:43
To: Paul Goddard/LON/ECT@ECT
cc: David Forster/LON/ECT@ECT, Marcello Romano/LON/ECT@ECT 
Subject: Re: Home Page Text: Rephrased First Paragraph  

Fine as long as the work can be done not taking anything off real workload



Paul Goddard
24/09/99 16:41
To: Louise Kitchen/lon/ect
cc: David Forster/LON/ECT@ECT, Marcello Romano/LON/ECT@ECT 
Subject: Home Page Text: Rephrased First Paragraph

Louise - I ran this by Dave and Marcello and they agreed with the revised 
version subject to your approval. Let me know if you are happy with this or 
if you want to rephrase  it further.  I can then forward it on to legal and 
PR for a quick email approval.   (The colour highlights below are just to 
point out the changes for the purposes of this note).  Thanks.

 
ALTERNATIVE HOME PAGE TEXT - FIRST PARAGRAPH ONLY

Old First Paragraph:
Welcome to EnronOnline, the world,s first Web-
enabled system for wholesale buying and selling the 
full range of energy products and much more.

Comments:
1) The location of the word "wholesale"  makes this gramatically incorrect
2) "and much more" sounds rather clich,d.


Proposed First Paragraph:
Welcome to EnronOnline, the world,s first Web-
based system enabling companies to buy and sell
the full range of wholesale energy products online.


Advantages:
1) Gramatically correct
2) Explicitly reinforces that EnronOnline is for "companies" not individuals 
who happen to surf to the Home Page and might otherwise think they can 
buy/sell energy themselves
3) Extra word "online" at the end for emphasis and clarity.