---------------------- Forwarded by Vince J Kaminski/HOU/ECT on 05/12/2000 
08:15 AM ---------------------------


Scott Adams <dilbertnewsletter@unitedmedia.com> on 05/11/2000 07:47:45 PM
To: Vince J Kaminski/HOU/ECT@ECT
cc:  
Subject: Dilbert Newsletter 30.0



Dilbert Newsletter 30.0
------------------------


To:     Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From:   Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)
Date:   May 2000



   Highlights:
------------------------------------------------
- Elian Invasion
- TV Show Update
- True Tales of Induhviduals
- Streaming Video of a Mystery in My Office
- Dogbert Answers My Mail
------------------------------------------------



Elian Invasion
--------------

Many of you in the U.S. have been following the fate of the little
Cuban boy Elian, who came to the United States via a
dolphin-powered inner tube.  Some people believe Elian is some sort
of Holy Child because the dolphins helped him, and because he's
small, leading people to assume he is a child.  I was a believer in
the Holy Child theory until the INS swarmed Elian's relatives' home
and took him against his will.  "Where were the dolphins then?" I ask.

Maybe they were lazy dolphins.  Whatever their excuse, I'm
disappointed that we didn't get to see the INS and the dolphins
fight it out, hand-to-flipper.  That would have been good TV.
Dolphins have a great defensive move where they suddenly turn
around so your fist gets stuck in the blowhole.  Then they beat you
senseless with their powerful tails.  I think we'd all like to see that.

On the plus side, by my reckoning, Elian's dilemma has saved the
lives of at least two celebrities, maybe more.  As you know, during
slow news periods the major networks kill celebrities and make it
look accidental.  Personally, I won't board an airplane unless the
newspaper is packed with good stories.

I prefer the media's latest news-creating technique, wherein they
blame NASA for launching rockets into space and losing them.  In
reality, NASA hasn't done much of anything since 1969, when they
sent three guys in helium-filled space suits to New Mexico with a
black and white camcorder.  I still remember where I was when I saw
it on TV.  I was on Earth.


Dilbert TV Fate
----------------

I'm not exaggerating when I say that literally dozens of people
noticed when Dilbert disappeared from UPN's lineup on American TV.
Officially, UPN told me the show was put on "hiatus."  Or maybe
they said they "hate us."  It sounds the same on the telephone when
you're sobbing.

Apparently someone noticed there were four new episodes that had
never aired.  So, starting on Tuesday, May 30th at 8:30 p.m.
Eastern  (7:30 Central), the first of the new Dilbert shows airs.

In a master stroke of UPN programming brilliance, Dilbert follows
Shasta McNasty, a show geared toward viewers who are...how can I
say this...very likely to die in bowling ball cleaning machine
accidents.  Fortunately, Shasta is a filthy and sophomoric show, so
it will corner the market on perverts and unsupervised minors.
It's a perfect lead-in audience for an animated Dilbert TV show.
If you don't understand that, you will never be a television executive.

The other networks are running nothing but commercials during that
time period.  You don't need to check.  Trust me on this.


March 21st Explained
--------------------

Many readers were confused by the March 21st strip featuring
Dilbert's future self visiting his past self from across time.
Dilbert asks the future Dilbert how his head got wrinkled.  Future
Dilbert points to a device on his chest with a hole in the center
and says, "Stick a finger in this hole."  That's the whole joke.

This is an example of a cartoon that appeals to no one but me, or
so I discovered from my e-mail.  I like the idea that a future
Dilbert would invent a device that has no other purpose than to
make your head deformed.  It's one of those inventions that seem
like a good idea until you try it.  But the funny part (okay, just
to me) is that he would advise his past self to stick a finger in
it, thus making the same mistake twice.

In retrospect, it was just a bad cartoon.  There wasn't enough
information.  But it made me laugh.  If you think the cartons are
made for your benefit, maybe you shouldn't be so selfish.



Why Do Some People Get Paid?
----------------------------

A reader sent me this story:

"Our coffee room has a bulletin board. One day a woman with a ruler
and a clipboard came in and measured the distance between the
postings on the board with the ruler. She took great care to
measure the height and width between each piece of paper, and
between the pieces of paper and the edges of the board. Then,
without a word, she checked off something on the clipboard and went away.

"I was in a daze for the next fifteen minutes.  I couldn't
concentrate during the following meeting. I wondered, does this
woman actually get paid for this? Does she find fulfillment in her
work? Who came up with the idea for this job? Are THEY just playing
with our minds, whoever THEY are?

"Needless to say I went back to the coffee room after the meeting
and moved all the postings around."

[Editor's note: To me, the funny part is that the author of this
story got paid for sitting in a daze during a meeting and later
rearranging the scraps of paper on a bulletin board.]



The DNRC at Work For You
-------------------------

A DNRC member reports on another benefit of membership.

"It turns out that my English tutor at Cornell is in the DNRC.  I
told her that I was in the organization too. That was a month ago
and since then I have been getting constant 'check plusses' for my
essays, regardless of my effort.

"Thanks a million!!"

If you're not already showing preferential treatment to DNRC
members, it's time to start.  Remember, only the DNRC has the good
sense to haze people who have no prospect of becoming members.



Getting Free Stuff the DNRC Way
-------------------------------

If you're annoying enough, you can get free services almost
anywhere, as this DNRC member reports.

"My roommate and I put coins in a jar every time we used the phone.
When it was time to pay the bill, we went to the bank to get the
coins counted. The teller said there was a fee for counting money
because we didn't have an account at that bank.  The conversation
went like this:

'How much would it cost if we had an account?'

'Then it would be free.'

'How much does it cost to open an account?'

'Nothing, it's free.'

'How much does it cost to close an account?'

'Um...That's also free.'

'Then we'd like to open an account, count this money, then close
the account. That's all free, isn't it?'

"She spent a few seconds thinking about this, and then she let us
use the money-counting machine, for free."



Spooky Happenings In My Office
------------------------------

Recently I noticed that beverages were disappearing from my office.
I installed a hidden surveillance camera to identify the culprit.
Check out this streaming video link at myvideoshare.com to see what
was happening.

http://www.myvideoshare.com/vm.asp?c=4504&e=10ohm9GBdCOTk&r=y

You'll need a Windows machine, a reasonably fast Internet
connection and Windows Media Player 6.4.  Follow the links at
myvideoshare.com for the free download if you don't have it.  If
you're behind a corporate firewall, hit the "No Video?" button for
instructions on circumvention.

Macintosh zealots should feel free to flame me as usual.



Dilbert.com
-----------

We've revamped the "List Of The Day" area on Dilbert.com.  It's the
most popular part of the site after the comics.  Some of you DNRC
members are impressively funny.  Others just have laughably pitiful
jobs that translate into amusing list items.  Either way, it's
equally funny to me.

We've added a True Tales of Induhviduals page, at
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/dnrc/induhvidual.html.
Submit your stories and read those submitted by others.  Feed your
sense of intellectual superiority by reading how dumb other people
are.  It's a guilty pleasure, but pleasure nonetheless.

Another addition to the DNRC section is the cubicle art page, which
features art created by people who were pretending to work. Each
week the best submissions are posted at
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/dnrc/cubical.html.


DNRC members-only link icons are now available at
http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/dnrc/membersonly.html.
This link is available only in the newsletter.

If you're looking for the best new comic strip featuring talking
pets, check out "Get Fuzzy" by Darby Conley.  If your paper doesn't
have it yet, use the navigation bar in the top left corner of
Dilbert.com.


Exclusive DNRC-only Offer - While Supplies Last!
--------------------------------------------------------------

Now through May 21st, receive a free Dogbert Swirl Polo with any
purchase from the Dilbert Store. The polo is available in White,
Black and Green while supplies last.

This DNRC offer will not be announced in the Dilbert Store. To get
it, you need to follow this DNRC-only link:
http://www.umstore.com/dilbert/dnrcspecial.htx

Unadvertised store specials will periodically be listed on the DNRC
home page, at http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/dnrc/index.html




True Tales of Induhviduals
---------------------------

And now, for your reading pleasure, more True Tales Of Induhviduals
-- those clueless-but-entertaining blobs of organic matter that
clog our highways and keep our taxes high.


True Tale
------------

My company has instituted Company Values.  Arranged appropriately,
the values are Fun, Agility, Teamwork, Learning, Integrity and
Empowerment.

The acronym speaks for itself: FAT LIE


True Tale
------------

My school subscribes to a system that is supposed to help us find
jobs when we graduate. It works by asking us what subjects we are
studying, what sort of job we want, etc.

When I input my classes and interests it came up with only two
career suggestions.

Careers in IT
Careers in LAW

Neither choice appealed to me.  I tweaked my entries to see if
other options would appear.  It wasn't until I deleted 'English
Skills' from my list of subjects studied that it added a third
career option.

Careers in MANAGEMENT



True Tale
------------

I was standing in line at the grocery store when a loud voice came
over the intercom saying, 'Okay, shoppers, it's time for our hourly
drawing for a bag of free groceries.' In the front of the store
someone was spinning a big wheel with the numbers 1 to 8 on it. The
voice continued, "If your lane number comes up, and you are at the
front of the line, you win." I noticed that a checker was opening
the register next to me. Just at that moment, the number of that
newly opened lane came up on the wheel. The other customers were
too busy cursing their bad luck to realize that the winning
register was empty.  I casually moved over to that line. With great
fanfare, I was awarded the prize -- a bag of free groceries. It was
filled with bizarre items I would never eat, including cinnamon
rice cakes, canned collard greens, Wonder Bread and the like.  So I
gave the free bag of groceries to a woman who seemed terribly upset
at not winning it herself. She exploded with joy like she had just
won the lottery.

Induhviduals are so easy to please.


True Tale
------------

At Denver International Airport, there are emergency exits, the
type with alarms if they are opened.  Printed on the doors are
signs that say,
"In an emergency, push and hold door for fifteen seconds until
doors open."

[Editor's note: There is a name for people who stand in the
emergency doorway for fifteen seconds during a real emergency:
"flattened."]



True Tale
------------

I went to lunch with a new employee who was not familiar with the
city.  On the way back, he decided to stop at a bookstore.  Hours
later, my boss and I realized that he had not returned.  Fearing
the worst, we called down to our crack security guards and asked,
"If you needed to take someone to the hospital, where would you
take him?"

The guard asked me to hold.  A few minutes later he came back with
the official answer: "the hospital."


True Tale
------------

When I received a check from my previous company for my 401K
rollover, I noticed the date on the check was 1-18-1999, even
though the check was written in January, 2000.  IRS regulations
don't allow 401K rollovers that are more than 90 days old.  I went
to my former place of employment and pointed out the error to the
HR Duhrector, who had originally written the check.  His solution
was to cross out 1999 and write 2000 above it.  Then he initialed
and dated the change... 1/25/99.


True Tale
------------

Here are some true phrases used by my boss:

"Ah, that's the flaw in the ointment."

"There's the gem in the haystack."

"We need to increase sales!  Let's throw some more wrenches in the
fire!"

"I believe that like I believe a hole in the head!"


True Tale
------------

My office is near Orlando, FL.  An Induhvidual in my office noticed
several people leaving the building.  She asked me, "Where is
everyone going?"  I told her we were going to watch the shuttle
launch.  She asked, "Is it outside?"


True Tale
------------

I was buying a newspaper at the convenience store.  The clerk looks
down at the paper and says, "Is that fifty cents or a dollar? I can
never remember."

I pointed to the clearly-visible price of 50 cents printed on the
corner of the paper and said, "Fifty cents. Who'd pay a dollar for
this paper?!?"

"Oh, some people do," said the clerk.

"Really? Why?"

"Because that's what I charge them."



True Tale
------------

My boss called me into his office.  While attaching a keyboard to
his computer, he asked if I would mind going to my desk and running
a particular program.  He needed the data right away and my
computer was the only one set up for this particular function.

I said that it was no problem and headed to my desk, only to find
that it was MY keyboard he had taken.


True Tale
------------

A bank recently sent a letter to its bankcard holders with some
details about its new cards. The first line of the letter is a real
whopper:

"The year 2000 has come quicker than expected!"

[Editor's note: Customers of that bank might want to double-check
their interest calculations.]


True Tale
------------

This conversation actually happened.  The names have been changed
to protect the stupid.

Jack: "G.W. Bush is fairly attractive, especially for a man his
age."

Jill: "Yeah, I guess he's gotten better looking since he was
president."

Jack: "Eh??"

Jill: "I mean, he looks much younger than he did when he was
president in '92."

Jack: "That's because it's HIS SON!"

[Editor's note:  After Dogbert takes over, Jill will be used as a
knickknack on a very large shelf.]


True Tale
------------

Early in my career as an electrical engineer, I worked for the
Navy.  One day a directive was sent to all employees informing us,
"Should you get killed or injured on the job, you are required to
notify your supervisor immediately."



True Tale
------------

True memo from a school principal:

     Do you know if there is any way to adjust the volume on the
     fire alarm? It is shrill and extremely loud.  If we could turn

     the volume down some it would help.

     Please advise,

     Thanks,

     <PHB-Principal>


True Tale
------------

In the dining hall at my school, a sign reads, "At Cornell Dining,

we want all your dining experiences to be successful."

[Editor's note:  Maybe I'm twisted, but I have many images in my
head of what qualifies as "unsuccessful dining" and all of them
seem funny to me.]


True Tale
------------

At our company we frequently need to discard empty boxes that won't
fit in trashcans.  The Induhvidual who picks up the trash ignores
anything outside the trashcan unless you tape a big sign on it that
says "TRASH."  This is very annoying but we've all gotten used to it.

In a seemingly unrelated event, folks started thinking that we
should have a "disaster plan" just in case a tornado wipes out the
building. We were told to gather up copies of everything needed to
put us back into business after a catastrophe.  Hundreds of boxes
full of documents were gathered together, categorized, inventoried,
labeled and put near the dock for transportation to the underground
caves, where they would be safe. The Induhvidual who ignores our
empty trash boxes promptly threw them all out.

True Tale
---------

Our marketing director was nicknamed Axel. He decided to have a
departmental meeting to explain his new role after the
reorganization.

He compared the company to a car, and the various departments as
the wheels.  To finish off, he asked a question. "So, what do you
think keeps the wheels attached to the car?" He expected someone to
shout "The axle," relating to his own role and nickname. To his
annoyance, someone yelled out "The nuts."


True Tale
---------

As I was being terminated, the VP asked that I not be too critical
of him in case he hadn't made the right choice in firing me. This
was an unpleasant experience for him. He also asked for my
understanding because he might have to fire more people later in
the week.  In the company's management training, they stress the
need for empathy when letting an employee go. No doubt he missed
the part where they said empathy TOWARDS OTHERS.


True Tale
---------

I was having dinner recently at a nice restaurant and I asked the
waiter if the soup had meat in it.  His reply:  "Not really."


True Tale
---------

I'm a Democrat but I voted in the Republican primary because I can
in South Carolina.  While in line at the voting location I talked
to two married Induhviduals. One was voting for Bush and the other
for McCain.  When I asked them if they weren't concerned that their
votes would cancel each other out, the husband said, "Well, we
wouldn't normally even vote, but we wanted to come out and cancel
out all those Democrats who were going to vote Republican today."



Revenge Is A Dish Best Served to Someone Else
---------------------------------------------

Approximately every ten minutes some @$$hole gives out my public
e-mail address instead of his or her own to an online store.
People do this so they don't get deluged with junk mail.  But
online stores are getting smarter.  They send confirmations to my
address before initiating the service or mailing the product.  The
confirmation letters often include information identifying the
culprit.  Recently a Patricia White from Virginia ordered some
magazines online and used my e-mail address so I would get her junk
mail.  I was more than happy to "correct" her name as it would
appear on the shipping labels of her monthly magazines.

Here was my response to the online store's confirmation request.


Dear Sirs,

re: Order Number: 16496863

Please change my last name to my married name, as I will be using
that more commonly.

     Old name: Pat White

     Change to New name: Pat McGroin

Thank you for your attention.


    P. McGroin





Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------

In this section, Dogbert answers my mail.  These are real e-mail
messages sent to me.  The names have been changed to make them
easier to mock.

The first letter is from someone who objected to my strip in which
Dogbert gave Ratbert a bumper sticker reading WWDD (What Would
Dogbert Do).  It was inspired by the popular WWJD (What Would Jesus
Do) bumper stickers.  I thought I was mocking bumper sticker
wisdom, not Christianity, but many readers felt differently.

Dear Mr. Adams,

I have long been a fan of Dilbert, but your strip of today was
worse than witless.  Your cartoon that mocks the WWJD slogan serves
no purpose other than to profane.  You obviously had a case of IQ
catatonia when you drew it.  Evidently, it spread to your editor as
well when you submitted it.  Keep it up and you'll be relegated to
the ash heap of once-trendy nitwits who didn't know the difference
between humor and inflammatory idiocy.

    Byron C.
    Alabama



Dear Boron,

I'm glad you are committed to your philosophy of doing what Jesus
would do.  I assume that includes writing insulting letters to
cartoonists on company time.  Apparently the bibles in Alabama have
a few extra chapters.  If I were you, I wouldn't take too many
suggestions from the Book of Willy.

     Sincerely,

     Dogbert


----



(This message suspiciously had no greeting)

You are an incredible talent, and I am always impressed by your
work.

Cutting to the chase, I have established a web site to help fund my
college tuition. It is www.justinduke.com.  If you like anything
you see there, please send me a dime.

If you like, tell your friends, thanks.

      Justin



Dear Dustbin,

If your web site sucks and your message to me is a poorly disguised
mass mailing, please send me a dime.

      Sincerely,


      Dogbert



-----

Dear Mr. Adams,

We are currently trying to raise money to buy new uniforms and
instruments for the Knoxville schools' music programs.  We are
organizing a celebrity auction, and would be greatly honored if you
could donate an autographed item or some other piece of memorabilia
to help make our auction a success.

Sincerely,
Terry F.
Vice-President Knoxville Music Boosters



Dear Hairy F.,

I can think of no charitable cause more worthwhile than increasing
the supply of bad music in Knoxville. Unfortunately, Mr. Adams has
already given away most of his possessions to other celebrity
auctions.  It's slim pickings now.  But you could have his comb
(rarely needed), his old toothbrush (in six months), and the holes
in his socks.

       Sincerely,


       Dogbert

---

Dear Reader,

Hello! I'm Avinash from Bombay, India. I'm 18 years old and am
presently in college. I require a currency note of any denomination
from the United States of America or any Latin American country for
a geography project that I'm presently working on. I would be
extremely grateful if you could mail a note to my address which
I've written below. If you cannot, then thanks anyway for taking
the time to read my e-mail.

       Avinash
       Bombay, India.



Dear Avinashwipe,

This is an amazing coincidence.  I too am doing a project that
involves collecting currency from other countries.  After you
finish your project, maybe you could send the piles of money to me
for my project.  My project is a bit more ambitious than yours; I'm
collecting all of the currency from every country.

       Sincerely,


       Dogbert


Dear Mr. Adams,

I am in the midst of an argument and I need a fresh perspective and
I figured that you had an opinion on everything, so.... which came
first, the freaking chicken or the egg?

      Gregory


Dear Eggory,

Put your finger in this hole.

     Sincerely,


     Dogbert



Dilberito Update
----------------

Tip:  It's illegal and immoral to slay your enemies, but if you eat
nutritious food and outlive them, you can still dance on their
graves.  There's nothing illegal or immoral about dancing.

The Dilberito, a tasty burrito packed with 100% of your daily
values of 23 vitamins and minerals, is on grocery shelves and
selling briskly.  Check http://www.dilberito.com for names of
stores.

Coming soon, all four flavors of the Dilberito will be vegan (two
are now).  And watch for a free downloadable Dilberito game this
summer.  Details will be on the website.





Dilbert Fodder
---------------

What's bugging you about your job?  Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic, TV show or newsletter.  The best comic
fodder involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations
of dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended
management consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.

And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.

And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help.  Send your suggestions to me at
scottadams@aol.com.  Short ones are better.


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Scott Adams
scottadams@aol.com


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