First Aid Tips
In a medical emergency, knowing what to do can make all the difference.
Here are some tips to help you handle an unexpected injury or illness:
* In the event of decapitation, sit the victim's body in a chair
as best you can, balance the head on top of the shoulders, and walk away
whistling nonchalantly.
* Always keep plenty of gauze around the house in case you invent
an invisibility potion.
* If you did all you could and the victim still dies, pat him or
her down for a Snickers bar. It's not like you don't deserve one.
* Nothing revives a stroke victim like an eye-popping orgasm.
* If someone you know is seriously injured, cradle his or her head
in your lap and scream, "Why?"
* Administering CPR is easy. Just do it like you saw them do on TV
that one time.
* In the event of accidental drug overdose, call Lou Reed
immediately.
* To stop a nosebleed, apply pressure. To start a nosebleed, apply
even greater pressure in short, repeated bursts.
* If a person requires artificial respiration, and you are of the
same sex as the person, and no one of the opposite sex is around to
perform the procedure, you are gay.
* If the Heimlich maneuver is ineffective on a choking victim,
grab his or her neck and squeeze downward to force the food into the
stomach. If this fails, grab the victim's ankles and swing him or her
around in a circle to force the food up.
* Make sure your first-aid kid contains a large, frilly Victorian
fan to revive fainting victims.
* If you are a hideous, disfigured hunchback and you see someone
who is injured and unconscious, treat the person. Then, as the person
begins to wake up, retreat into hiding. The person will always wonder
who saved him or her, and the experience will be poignant in a
bittersweet way.
* As a rule of thumb, always ask yourself this question: What
would Randolph Mantooth do?
* If possible, try to be the guy who tells the victim,
"Everything's going to be all right," while others do the actual work.