This is a bit long, but hilarious!!!!!


     COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING - (the author is responding to a
woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom):

     Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom
that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the
time. It's rare us guys ever hit what were aiming for.

     Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start
spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.

     You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's
penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because
all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his
penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his
left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't
be trusted.

     After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer
allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee.
She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had
gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked
toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat
down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

     Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but
because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy
guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you
ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

     Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire
to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter
how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend you
can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all
over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on
putting on the toilet.

     And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers,
the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to
use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control
our less than perfect aim.

     Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in
here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with
that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy
thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that
compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet
seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will
not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.

     I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I
told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "so sit down like I told you to
do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with
"morning wood".

     Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and
before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on
the wall across the room.

     Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down
under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the
crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You
piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs
on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor
in front of the toilet.

     I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning
urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position laying over the
toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split
time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl
during the first morning pee.

     So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to
blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom
cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

     It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

     Now, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a problem!!!