---------------------- Forwarded by Vince J Kaminski/HOU/ECT on 12/22/2000 
07:47 AM ---------------------------


Scott Adams <dilbertnewsletter@unitedmedia.com> on 12/21/2000 08:11:21 PM
To: vkamins@ect.enron.com
cc:  
Subject: Dilbert Newsletter 32.0


Dilbert Newsletter 32.0
-----------------------


To:     Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From:   Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)
Date:   December 2000



   Highlights:
------------------------------------------------
- My New York City Trip Report
- True Tales of Induhviduals
- Buying Gifts for Women (video tutorial)
- Dogbert Answers My Mail
------------------------------------------------


DNRC Update
-----------

The DNRC is 300,000 people strong, which is ironic if you consider
that few of us can lift heavy objects.  Luckily we have the
non-DNRC people, the so-called In-duh-viduals, to do our manual
labor.  After Dogbert conquers the planet and makes the
Induhviduals our personal servants, there will be no more fussing
with parallel parking.  A small team of Induhviduals will be
stationed at every potential parking place, ready to lift your
vehicle and gently place it near the curb.  A second team will
swoop in and tongue-clean your bumper to remove the fingerprints
left by the first team.  A third team will swoop in and take your
vehicle to the landfill so you don't have to drive a car that's
been slobbered on.  I realize this sounds inefficient, but remember
there are over six billion Induhviduals.  It's important to keep
them busy.

Speaking of keeping busy...


My Trip to New York City
---------------------------------

I am writing this trip report while in New York City to do some PR
for my new web site feature (The Lazy Entrepreneur at Dilbert.com).
Because I am a famous cartoonist I am staying in a new hotel that
costs $500 per night.  That might impress those of you who live in
huts made entirely of manure.  But if you are familiar with NYC you
are probably blowing coffee out your nose and slapping your donut
flat in a fit of spastic laughter because you know what $500 buys
in the Big Apple.  Herein, I offer my description of the luxurious
NYC hotel experience.

I'm struck by the similarity between my situation and John Gotti's.
We have similar careers: He's a convicted mob boss; I'm a
cartoonist.  But here the similarity ends, because his current
living conditions are far more luxurious.

My room is ever-so-slightly wider than the bed.  If it were
possible to make a room smaller than its bed, I would be in that
room.  I'm sure the hotel has hired a team of physicists to crack
that nut.

The television's remote control doesn't work, but that doesn't
matter because you can reach the TV with your hand from almost any
location in the room.

The "closet" consists of a ten-inch metal pipe that sticks out from
the wall, suitable for hanging upwards of three garments.  Directly
below the metal pipe is a safe for your valuables. This leaves
plenty of space for your clothes, assuming you wear the same pants
size as G.I. Joe.

My heating/cooling system produces an inexplicable noise every five
minutes.  The noise sounds like a combination of a squeaky door
opening and a sword being drawn from its scabbard.  This is exactly
the sort of noise you want to hear when you're trying to sleep in
New York City.

The shower has a playful feature.  The only way you can get to the
shower controls is by reaching around a barrier and placing your
head directly under the showerhead.  There's nothing like a snoot
full of cold water to get your day started.

As you probably know, New York City taxi drivers originate from
many different countries.  They compensate for their incomplete
grasp of English by facing away from the passenger and mumbling.  I
learned to interpret their mumbles by the context.  For example, a
mumble when you get in the car means, "You look handsome today.  To
what destination may I transport you?"  A mumble while slowing down
and looking out a side window means, "This is your destination.
Have a wonderful day.  Thank you so much for the business."  If you
argue that he is driving in the wrong direction he will shrug.  The
shrug means, "Your concern is unwarranted.  I have a secret way of
going to places by driving in the wrong direction."  Using this
system of translation I have mastered over 100 different dialects.

Buying Gifts for Women
----------------------

Most men are not good at buying gifts for women.  That's why I put
together a tutorial on gift-buying that you can see at the Lycos
Video Center:

http://video.lycos.com/myvideocenter/viewvmail.asp?vm=578650&e=57Uk/Z0JeuvHc&r
=1



True Tales of Induhviduals
--------------------------

Here are some more True Tales of Induhviduals as reported by
vigilant DNRC members.


True Tale 1
------------

A friend of mine manages a Barnes and Noble store.  One of her high
school part-time workers called in to say she was unable to come to
work.  Her excuse was that she couldn't find her bra.

True Tale 2
------------

A group of employees were eating together before a conference.  The
big boss lambasted everyone at the table for his or her role (or
their home state's role) in screwing up the recent election.  His
rant was complete with colorful, blasphemous, scatological and
anatomically impossible metaphors. All this was done with his mouth
full, and capped by a loud belch.  Then his number two, a Senior
VP, topped him in one stroke, by scratching his (own) back with a
table fork.

It is leadership to inspire the soul.

True Tale 3
-----------

Update:  We've recently recorded our 500th quote from my boss...

"I didn't fall off the horse yesterday."

True Tale 4
-----------

My new officemate comes into my office with three chairs.  One is
particularly nice.  Apparently it was stolen from the conference
room.  His comment, "I asked the other guy taking a chair and he
didn't care."


True Tale 5
-----------

I work with an engineer who makes his own cologne. He has several
scents, the worst of which are lemon cough drops and smoky sweet
patchouli.  Pregnant women and people with sensitive noses are
unable to work with him.  Recently he revealed that he has been
experimenting with pheromones and found that he got "quite a
reaction" from women in bars.  That reaction doesn't seem to
include being attracted to him, because he is single and 40 years
old.


True Tale 6
-----------

I recently heard an Induhvidual say, "I'm not a rocket surgeon."

True Tale 7
-----------

I'm a professor at a university in Georgia.  This semester, two
students misspelled THEIR OWN NAMES.

Another student could not find his way out of the building. He
thought the doors marked EXIT would set off the fire alarm.

True Tale 8
-----------

An Induhvidual in my office labeled her tape dispenser with the
word, "TAPE."

I can think of only two reasons:

1. She wanted to make sure that her tape dispenser was not used for
any unauthorized purposes,

or...

2. She feared she would not recognize the tape dispenser in the
future.


True Tale 9
-----------

One day I was sitting by my locker reading a book when my friend
walked up and asked me what I was reading. I told her, and she
said, "Wow! Where did you find that? I've been looking everywhere
for that book!" I asked her if she had looked in the library, to
which she replied that she hadn't.


True Tale 10
------------

We have to wear uniforms in gym class, but in the winter when we go
outside it becomes impractical because of the cold.  Solution:
They make us wear our uniforms UNDER our clothes!

To make matters worse, they ask for random "shorts checks" in which
we must pull our pants down a tad to show that we are following
their rules.

True Tale 11
------------

I used to work at the local government offices. I kept all my
papers in a briefcase.  One day I absentmindedly left it in a
common area.

I went back to where I had left it but it wasn't there.  I
eventually found out that the caretaker had it.  He told me, "I
thought it might be a bomb so I took it to my office."



Good Work If You Can Get It
----------------------------

A true story of a "Wally"...

One of my co-workers on a web site project got the idea that since
porn web sites have the distinction of being the only real
moneymaking web sites, they must have the best design and
implementation.  Therefore, we should research them and incorporate
their design into our web site.  He spent two days on this (at
work) and even told several others about his work.  His final
analysis was inconclusive.


Lazy Entrepreneur
------------------
http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/lazyentrepreneur/

The ideas are pouring in to my new web site feature, The Lazy
Entrepreneur, at Dilbert.com.  Here are some of my favorites, some
practical, some whimsical.


Toothbrush Contraceptive Pill Dispenser
----------------------------------------

Submitted by mattrogers

My girlfriend regularly forgets to take her contraceptive pill.
However, to my knowledge she has never forgotten to brush her teeth
in the morning.

Will someone please invent a toothbrush that has a contraceptive
pill dispenser in the handle?



Video Tombstones
------------------

-- Submitted by CaptainBasil

How about a DVD-based, flat screen LCD video unit embedded in a
granite tombstone, for perpetual replay of highlights of the dearly
departed's life?

[Editor's Note: Even better, how about a motion detector so your
video can pop up whenever anyone approaches.  Then add some speech
recognition and some canned replies and you can carry on simple
conversations with the dead.  Example:  You ask, "How are you
today?"  The DVD plays the answer, "Not so good.  Still dead."]



Perpetual Blanket
-----------------

-- Submitted by Trouble

It's a blanket that wraps down one side of the bed, under the bed
and up the other side of the bed, returning to the top. This way
people who have spouses that constantly steal the covers can always
have a fresh supply being drawn up from beneath.

Optional feature: Alarm when blanket is pulled to PROVE that spouse
steals the covers.


Cubicle Buzzard
---------------

-- Submitted by buzzardbert

A stuffed buzzard that can clamp onto the top of an office cubicle
wall, staring at the soon-to-be fired/retired occupant.


Whiteboard Eraser Caps
-------------------------

-- Submitted by TelekineticFool

Dry Erase markers for white boards should have little erasers on
one end, like pencils do, for erasing the occasional small mistake.
That way you don't need to use your fingers or necktie.


New Dilbert T-Shirts and Sweatshirts
---------------------------------------------------
New at Dilbert.com, you can choose one of seven of the most popular
Dilbert strips to have printed on a T-shirt or sweatshirt:

http://www.cafepress.com/static/UnitedMedia/property.jsp?property=Dilbert




Pearls Before Swine
--------------------
http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/pearls/index.html


Check out a great new comic strip called "Pearls Before
Swine," by Stephan Pastis.  I love it, and I'm hard to please,
comic-wise. You can find it on the web by using the comics menu in
the top left corner of Dilbert.com, or by going directly to the URL
above.  Read the whole archived month to get the rhythm of it and
to get past the shocking realization that it's mostly about a rat
and a pig talking to each other.


Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------

In this section Dogbert answers the mail that I am too polite to
answer myself.  These are all based on real e-mail.  The names have
been changed to make them funnier.


Dear Mr. Adams,

I had never really read your comic strips until I was forced to do
it for a Business Principles class.  You bash the workplace,
employees and employers.  You make them out to be bad and stupid
people.  That is nothing like what is really going on today in the
workforce.  You really need to think about what you are doing.

       Jennifer


Dear Jedi fur,

I wish you had given this information to Mr. Adams sooner.  He
wasted the past eleven years of his life creating inappropriate
cartoons.  He is SO-O-O-O embarrassed now.

However, Mr. Adams is still confused about the process by which
arrogant little pissant students like you become brilliant, helpful
and kind as soon as you join the workforce.  Perhaps you could
clarify that in a future correspondence.

        Sincerely,


        Dogbert


----------------


Dear Mr. Adams,

I have your 2000 Desk Calendar and I just wanted to make a minor
complaint.  I am looking at today's December 8th comic and it is
not funny at all.  Perhaps you could have others read it before you
send it off to the printers.

         Tod



Dear Toad,

Obviously you are not a student of history.  December 8th is the
official "Day After Pearl Harbor Day" and as such is often referred
to as "A day that shall live in unfunny."

        Sincerely,


        Dogbert


-----------

Dear Mr. Adams,

Your cartoons with the hand coming out of the guy's head are some
of your worst ever.  You have sunk to a new level of stupidity.

         Phil


Dear Phlegm,

Mr. Adams wanted to respond to your insightful letter by drawing a
little picture of that character making an obscene gesture to you
with the hand that's growing out of his head.  He thought this
would be, to use his words, "a hoot."

Fortunately for us all, I have too much class to allow that image
to enter anyone's mind.


        Sincerely,


        Dogbert




Dilbert Fodder
---------------

What's bugging you about your job?  Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter.  The best comic fodder
involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of
dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management
consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.

And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.

And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help.  Send your suggestions to me at
scottadams@aol.com.  Short ones are better.


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