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"Kevin Cofer" <coferk@gateway.net> on 11/14/2000 09:20:21 PM
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Subject: FW: AP Report/Election Update






11/10/00
8:42am E.S.T.

WASHINGTON (AP) - Following an emergency meeting this morning, Congress
unanimously voted to eject Florida from the United States of America.

The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the state's
voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential election.

"This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin Hatch. "First Elian
Gonzales,
now this."

Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time in
coming.

"We're all pretty much sick of Florida," said representative Barney Frank.
"They've been a constant embarrassment for too long now."

Added Frank, "They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done
lately?
Oh, that's right; screw up our entire democracy. I forgot."

In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy
commented
that the loss of Florida's sizable elderly population will free up billions
of
dollars in Social Security funds.

"These are valuable funds which can now be redirected toward national
defense.
We can finally rebuild our demoralized, weakened military," said the Senator
to
roaring applause.

As a result of the Florida screw-up, the House and Senate decreed a new
election will take place in early December. This time, ballots in each state
will be tabulated by robots.

"It is clear that our human vote-counting system is too inherently flawed,"
said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. "The presence of these new,
superior
robot mast- umm, I mean - tabulators will ensure 100% accuracy."

"Remember," said Hastert, "every vote counts, especially if it's counted by
robots."

Dynamiting will begin in Florida next Wednesday, after which the state will
be
completely geographically separated from the United States.

"After that, they're on their own," said Hastert. "I hope they sink.