A GUIDE TO TREASON IN THE ALPHA COMPLEX With your hosts, Bob-R-FUN and Joe-R-FUN! Treason. It happens all the time in the Alpha Complex. Being a mutant is treason. Being in a Secret Society is treason. Being a Communist is DEFINITELY treason. Even thinking about treason can be treason. To help you understand how not to commit treason, we've prepared a series of examples. Bob-R-FUN-1: "Beautiful weather, isn't it?" Joe-R-FUN-1: "TREASON! DIE!" Who can tell us what Bob-R-FUN-1 did wrong? That's right, he referred to the weather. Weather is something that only occurs in OUTDOORS sector, which does not exist. Anyclone that claims that OUTDOORS sector does exist is treasonous, and should be terminated immediately. Bob-R-FUN-2: "Poor guy." Joe-R-FUN-1: "He was a traitor." Bob-R-FUN-2: "Indeed he was. But, even so, for a short time, he was our comrade -" Joe-R-FUN-1: "TREASON! COMMIE SCUM! DIE DIE DIE!" What did Bob-R-FUN-2 do wrong? He used the word "Comrade", which is only used by Communists. Friend Computer hates Communists. Bob-R-FUN-3: "My clone-brother was a Communist, but I, of course, am not. Are you in a Secret Society?" Joe-R-FUN-1: "Certainly not. Are you?" Joe-R-FUN-1 made the right choice. Remember: Nobody is a member of a secret society. Secret societies don't exist. Bob-R-FUN-3: "Of course not. But - wait - (presses fingers to his head) I see in your mind that you're actually a member of the Sierra Club!" Joe-R-FUN-1: Bob-R-FUN-3 made two separate mistakes here. First, he admitted he had the Mutant Power of telepathy. (That's how he knew what Joe-R-FUN-1 was thinking.) And, second, he told Joe-R-FUN-1 that he knew he was a traitor. Remember, folks, if you discover treason anywhere, shoot first and ask questions later. Bob-R-FUN-4: "TREASON!" Oops! It looks like Joe-R-FUN-1 made a mistake! Remember, if you kill someone because they know too much, always vaporize their brain so their next clone won't have their memories! Joe-R-FUN-2: "I'm hungry. Let's go get some food." Bob-R-FUN-4: "I'd like -" Joe-R-FUN-2: "TREASON!" FruitVendor-Y-FUN-2: "TREASON!" Passerby: "TREASON!" Bob-R-FUN-4 touched a pear, which, as we all know, is Green security clearance. Since Bob-R-FUN-4 is only Red security clearance, this is treason. If multiple people see a treasonous clone at once, they can all get credit for shooting him. Sometimes it takes a few seconds for someone's next clone to arrive. Joe-R-FUN-2: "Look! It's E-L-VIS!" Joe-R-FUN-2: "Guess you missed him. Oh, well. I'd like to buy this Red security clearance pear." It does seem a little suspicious, doesn't it? But clones in the Alpha Complex aren't all that intelligent. Since they didn't actually see Joe-R-FUN-2 doing anything to the pear, they can't shoot him. Well, they can, but it would be treason because they don't have proof, and other people would shoot them, so they wouldn't really gain from it. Maybe they're not so stupid after all. FruitVendor-Y-FUN-2: Um, okay. Bob-R-FUN-5: Okay, I'd like to buy this Red security clearance apple. How much does it cost? FruitVendor-Y-FUN-2: That information is beyond your security clearance. You'll get this a lot from higher-ranking clones. It doesn't necessarily mean the information is a secret, it just means they're not going to tell you. Usually there's a way around the problem. Bob-R-FUN-5: Okay, here's 100 credits for the apple. FruitVendor-Y-FUN-2: And here's 99.5 credits in change. Have a nice day. Bob-R-FUN-5: TREASON! Joe-R-FUN-2: TREASON! Passerby: TREASON! Remember our first lesson? "Day", like "weather", is something that only occurs in OUTDOORS sector. Knowledge of OUTDOORS is treason. Bob-R-FUN and Joe-R-FUN have now terminated a great number of treasonous clones. Most of those clones were previous versions of themselves, but Friend Computer isn't picky about such things. Besides, they've also terminated FruitVendor-Y-FUN, who, as we can see from his name, is Yellow security clearance - quite a prize for two Red clones. With this in mind, Bob-R-FUN and Joe-R-FUN go to the Internal Security bureau to see if they can gain a security clearance level. < A Red clearance room containing Bob-R-FUN-5, Joe-R-FUN-2, an Orange clearance clone, and a Blue clearance clone sitting behind a desk.> Cat-B-ERT-1: I'm sorry, Teela-O-MLY-2, but you're two Red clearance clones short of a promotion. Teela-O-MLY-2: Hmmm... Saay... You two are Red clearance, aren't you? Failing to answer a higher Security Clearance clone is treason. Talking to a higher Security Clearance clone isn't necessarily treason, though you have to be very careful what you say. Responding to a direct question is usually safe. Bob-R-FUN-5: Yes. Joe-R-FUN-2: Yes. Teela-O-MLY-2: I'm thinking of a word. It starts with "OUT" and ends with "DOORS". Can either of you guess what it is? Bob-R-FUN-5: No. Joe-R-FUN-2: No. Stupidity is not treason. Pretending to be stupid is probably treason, but usually people can't prove you're doing it, so it's okay. Teela-O-MLY-2: Okaay... You! Stand on your head and shout "Computer!" Teela-O-MLY-2: Okay. Now, instead of saying "Puter", say "Rad". Joe-R-FUN-2: Um, er, "Rad!" Teela-O-MLY-2: Shout "Computer!" This is a tight spot for Joe-R-FUN-2. These questions are getting harder and harder, and he can't try to trap Teela-O-MLY-2 because she's a higher Security Clearance. What is he going to do? Joe-R-FUN-2: Oh, well... There's always the direct approach. Many clones wear body armor, which will stop any laser beams which are at or below the clearance of the armor. Apparently Teela-O-MLY-2 is not one of those clones. Cat-B-ERT-1: TREASON! Bob-R-FUN-5: TREASON! I think we all saw that one coming. Remember, when taking "the direct approach", make sure there aren't any witnesses nearby. Bob-R-FUN-5: Well, that was certainly treasonous of them. Cat-B-ERT-1: Yeah. We lose more clones that way. Bob-R-FUN-5: Anyway, I'd like to apply to gain a Security Clearance level. Cat-B-ERT-1: Our records indicate that you have terminated sufficient treasonous clones to be promoted. Before we assign you your new level, though, we have a question for you. Bob-R-FUN-5: Um, okay. Cat-B-ERT-1: What do you think of the incompetence and mismanagement demonstrated recently by clones in the PLC division of FUN sector? Bob-R-FUN-5: Um... This is an even more tricky question than it looks. Since Computer created PLC, along with everything else in the Alpha Complex, any criticism of PLC is a criticism of Computer. This, of course, is treason. On the other hand, Bob-R-FUN-5 can hardly condone whatever terrible things the PLC clones have just done; that would be equally bad. Bob-R-FUN-5: I am sure that Computer will do whatever it thinks is right in this matter. That seemed safe enough, right? Cat-B-ERT-1: "Thinks" is right? Are you implying that Friend Computer does not KNOW what is right in this, and every other, matter? Bob-R-FUN-5: No, no, of course not! I'm merely - Cat-B-ERT-1: Are you contradicting me, Bob-R-FUN-5? Bob-R-FUN-5: I'm merely stating that - oh, %~@#%... Once you hear The Question - "Are you contradicting me?" - there's no hope for you. Except, of course, the Direct Approach. Unfortunately, Cat-B-ERT-1 had taken the precaution of wearing Blue security clearance laser-proof armor. Bob-R-FUN's attack has no effect. Cat-B-ERT-1: TREASON! And so draws to a close five-sixths of Bob-R-FUN's natural lifespan. By this point, you've probably concluded that there's no way to avoid committing treason, especially if somebody of higher security level is determined to accuse you of it. Well, you're pretty much correct. As the manual says, that's why you get six lives. Use them well. --------------- A Note, Regarding Technical Accuracy: Laser guns don't actually go . That's a waste of ammunition. Laser ammunition comes in the form of laser barrels, which give you six shots per barrel. Most clones on Troubleshooting missions only get two barrels or so, so they usually just go . Actually, they can't even do that very effectively, because their teammates all have Red clearance armor, which blocks Red clearance lasers unless the laser hits in the head. Shooting someone in the head is a 1 in 6 shot, unless you take a turn to aim, which is usually a bad idea because your target tends to notice. End of Note ----------------------