Towards a Strategy for Making Untold Riches With an Unmarketable Set of Skills

Shyam Jayaraman
Facility for Improvement of Slacking Humans


In recent years, society has had to deal with some grave moral and practical issues. An issue that is important to the minds of the work-impaired, dubbed "Slackers", is how to make great gains in financial standing and still be able to enjoy the benefits that come with it. Standard approaches to improve oneself financially usually results in a lack of free time. In this paper, we describe a strategy that would allow a person to make money, without spending large amounts of time doing it. This strategy employs loopholes in the current patent system and preys on the litigative nature of US citizens. We show that this strategy provides a 50% improvement to the state of the art "get rich quick" schemes.


Figure 1 The distribution of different strategies based on likelihood of success and reward given

The main obstacle for the growth of the slacker community is the desire to be financially secure. Most in the slackerdom have been forced to bend their ideals in order to make ends meet. Most of the common attempts to relieve slackers of this moral impurity have worked poorly at best. Many of the plans lie on the Line of Discouragment as shown by the red dots on Figure 1 [1]. This graph only incorporates strategies under which 90% of people with clinically diagnosed slacking would consider attempting, since it is the subject for which the majority of papers are written on. The ideal plans are the outliers in green. These provide the highest chance of success as well as the greatest reward.

In this paper, we describe one of the "green" strategy in detail and analyze its effectiveness. This strategy has the bonus effect of being legal, and hence one can practice it with impunity. It should be noted that the specific strategy outlined here is one of many strategies with the same basic formula. The first section talks about the existing structures which make this strategy so effective. The second section will contian a high level overview of the strategy. The third section will have pretty graphs to convince the reader the wonderfulness of the approach. In the final section of this paper, we suggest new angles from which to attack this problem that we will experiment on in the near future


One of the greatest boons to slackerdom is the acceptance of software patents by many of the major technical players in the world. With the European Union caving in, software patents are accepted in close to 60% of the markets. These patents are particularly interesting to slackers because they do not require working implementations, simply the ideas themselves are necessary. Since the software explosion has largely boomed in the recent years due to the free sharing of idea, those who control the ideas can look to make a fortune exploiting the tendency of software developers of not inventing the wheel. The one major roadblock with patents is that most governments have decided that only large corporations may have patents and hence the cost of acquiring a patent can be abnormally high

To address this issue, we look to another boon to slackers in the United States, the litagative nature of America. By suing the right people for things that were clearly just instances of stupidity, many Americans have found their pockets lined with money. Many commonly cited instances of this include the McDonald's coffee spilling on someones lap and a bugular gettin money because he hurt himself breaking into a house. Currently there is case where a man who gambled too much in Las Vegas is suing MGM for preying on his gambling addiction. It saddens the writers of this paper that we can make up things better. But this is the state of society and it is ripe for exploiting


The first task is to acquire the capital to apply for a software patent. We believe the next big litigation payout will go to the person who sues credit card companies who preyed on his/her purchasing addiction. The basis of the case would be that since the credit card companies roughly know their clients' income, they should only provide credit that the client can hope to pay off in their lifetime. But we all know that most credit card companies will give a peson a higher and higher credit line if said person keeps a balance on the card. This is clearly so that the poor sap would go deeper into debt and be unable to escape from the grasps of the domineering credit card company. With a sure-fire litigation like this, one would not have to look hard to find lawyers who will only get paid if they get money from the credit car company.

With this new found wealth, the slacker can then patent a new concept. It is important to realize that all one has to do to acquire a patent is to add "on the internet" to an already existing patent, whether it makes sense to do this task on the, uh internets. For example we could patent the idea of picking up STD's on the internet. But anyone with any business sense would realize that this wouldn't be useful at all. The thing to patent would be "Streaming Cable TV over the, uh internets". In your proposal, you can use a picture similar to Figure 2. You might need several other diagrams to convince the patent clerk you really did your homework about this. Once the slacker gets this patent, the slacker can go into hiding and start suing everyone in 10 years when this becomes a big thing.

Figure 2 Listening to rumors on the, uh internets


The results are still pending. While we investigate the results of this please take a moment admire the following pictures

Now that we have filled up the paper to its 3 page limit, we can continue on to the future work

Future Work

Looking to the future, it would nice to have a way of litigating the violators of the slackers patents without the slacker having to do any work. This work could lead to another paper, and more importantly this will almost certainly lead to another patent, which would help one of the writers of this article be a slacker of biblical portions


This research was funded in part by NSF grant number IIS-1337312.