On the faraway planet of Fruton
The faraway planet of Fruton is inhabited by intelligent beings called Ploinks. Some time ago, the Ploinks were captivated by a newly-developed weapon called a frakk-ray. It was so popular, in fact, that it soon displaced every other weapon on Fruton. Here is what happens when you fire a frakk-ray at something: first, a brilliant ray of light briefly spears out towards the object. Then, for a little while, it seems as if nothing at all is happening. About three seconds after the frakk-ray is fired, you will hear a high pitched noise gaining in intensity. The sound becomes quite unbearable and is accompanied by a strong sulfurous odor. After exactly 12 seconds, the object vaporizes suddenly and completely, leaving only a putrid stench.
Of course, not all of the Ploinks had frakk-rays. The richest Ploinks maintained quite a collection; a frakk-ray gun to go with every outfit in their wardrobe. A lesser Ploink might only have had one or two.
Most lower-class Ploinks were forced to simply settle their differences by hitting each other. They became quite skilled at doing this.
The traditional way to settle a disagreement in the Ploink aristocracy during this era was a frakk-ray duel. The two contending Ploinks would stand back-to-back, and each slither eighteen quarnums to the beat of a drum. Then they would turn and shoot their frakk-rays at each other. The Ploink who shot the other Ploink first was considered the victor. In reality, since the frakk-ray is by no means instantly fatal, the losing Ploink would inevitably fire a shot off, and so the majority of duels amounted to mutual suicide (the lower-class Ploinks thought this aspect of the upper class hilarious, but kept their opinions unvoiced due to their lack of armament). Occasionally, an absent-minded Ploink would forget to load his frakk-ray, or it would misfire. Then one of the Ploinks would actually live to enjoy his triumph.
His opponent would become a particularly nasty fart.
Eventually, due to the vast number of Pyrrhic frakk-duel victories, the frakk-ray became more of a statement of power than a weapon used in practice. In this stage of Frutonian history, a disagreement between two wealthy Ploinks might go something like this:
- First Ploink: Fool! I have a frakk-ray, you know.
- Second Ploink: I too have a frakk-ray.
- First Ploink: I should challenge you to a duel!
- Second Ploink: Yes, dueling could certainly be a possibility here.
Except they wouldn’t duel. They would end up circling each other uneasily until they got bored, or they saw one of their friends, in which case it might go something like this.
- First Ploink: This stupid Ploink called me a liar!
- Third Ploink: Well! I guess I’ll point my frakk-ray at him.
- First Ploink: Great!
- Second Ploink: I can see now how perhaps I was mistaken.
So in the vast majority of confrontations, no upper-class Ploink ever fired a shot, and that was the way it was for generations. But they still carried their frakk-rays because to be caught without one was quite embarrassing and almost always grounds for immediate execution. So they holstered their frakk-rays prominently and occasionally shot splarts just to make sure that their frakk-ray guns were functioning properly.
A splart is the Frutonese equivalent of a chicken.
After some time, a prosperous splart-farmer grew tired of seeing his livestock odorously vaporized in the interests of munitions maintenance, and so he hired a particularly bright Ploink to devise an inexpensive way to block the frakk-ray. Soon, each and every splart in his possession was equipped with a working frakk-shield.
The Ploinks didn’t know this, but every frakk-shield looked exactly like a helicopter beanie.
The Frutonian government took an immediate and intense interest in the frakk-shield. Suppose, they imagined, two Frutonian aristocrats decide to have a frakk-duel. Ploink A fires first and hits, but Ploink B is wearing a frakk-shield and fires back. Ploink A, the obvious victor, is vaporized, and Ploink B emerges unscathed.
The frakk-shield, they correctly surmised, was a threat to the Frutonian upper-class way of life. It was instantly banned, even for splarts.
Frutonian historical records are unclear about details at this point, but some time later, somehow, a lower-class Ploink got his tentacles on a detailed schematic of the internal workings of a frakk-ray. Working in secret with a number of co-conspirators, he was able to assemble a working model. Of course, it wasn’t stylish like the wealthy Ploink’s frakk-rays and it probably didn’t have the oomph to discharge more than a handful of times, but it worked.
You can imagine their joy when they vaporized their first splart.
The underground workers began to sell their handspun frakk-rays at substantially reduced prices. Of course, the weapons sold like zortlags (which are the Frutonese equivalent of hotcakes). After all, what Ploink wouldn’t want the ability to defend himself against the bullying upper class?
Then one day, a Frutonian official observed a lone Ploink in a field. His clothes were unkempt, his flagella were badly groomed, and his tentacles were dirty and callused. But he was unmistakably firing a frakk-ray at a splart. The news traveled to higher officials: common Ploinks had the frakk-ray. The government had no choice but to declassify the frakk-shield technology. In no time, every Ploink on Fruton was equipped with a frakk-shield.
There was much inter-class tension between the Ploinks after the mass armament of Frutonian society. The slightest provocation was cause for violence:
- Upper-class Ploink: You slithered over my tentacle! Honor demands that you apologize immediately.
- Lower-class Ploink: Never, you splart!
- Upper-class Ploink (drawing frakk-ray): Then prepare to die!
And then, while the first Ploink was reaching for his gun, the lower-class Ploink would sock him a good one in the mouth. For a very long time, most confrontations between upper- and lower-class Ploinks went something like that. Invariably, the upper-class Ploinks were dependent on the threat of their frakk-rays to settle disputes, while the lower-class Ploinks had had years of practice hitting each other.
The government tried to pass a bill establishing a minimum income for the purchase of a frakk-shield, but for the first time in history, Ploink constituencies could beat up their representatives without fear of reprisal.
And so a golden age in Frutonian history was realized.