Alan Kalter in various languages

Courtesy of Wahoo Gazette.

February 18, 2005

And in addition to Iran, tensions continued to simmer this week with self-proclaimed nuclear power North Korea. Here with an update on this delicate matter is our announcer Alan Kalter. We cut to Alan and find him in his best Kim Jong Il costume, wig, and glasses.

Says a belligerent Alan, in Korean: (phonetically) "Cho Sun In Min Gong Hwa Guk un jeol dae hae gulp o gi haji an sum nae da. Mi je ui chim ryak ul mul li chi gi wi hae band bi rul chol tong ga chi hal geo sim nae da. Na nun we dae han ji ko ja im ni da. Mi je ul mul li chi go se gye rul ji bae hal geo sim nae da." Subtitled: "The Democratic People's Republic of Korea will never give up its nuclear weapons! We will maintain our defensive posture to prevent aggression by the decadent Americans! I am your all-powerful leader. We will crush America and rule the world!"

A bewildered Dave asks, "Alan, are you okay?"

Alan answers in English: "Fine, Dave. Thanks."

October 17, 2003

LETTER #4: From Karen Knudsen: “Hey Dave, What planet are you from?”

It's a silly question, but speaking of outer space, this week China entered the Space Age. Here to tell us a little about it is Alan Kalter.

Alan: “Thanks, Dave. This week China launched an astronaut into orbit, joining the United States and former Soviet Union as the only nations to send a human being into space. The peoples of the world should share in the satisfaction of this moment.”

Alan turns to another camera. Behind him we see a huge photo of Chairman Mao Tse Tung, although now I believe he goes by the name Mao Zedong. Alan continues: “Tong zhih men, dah jea how, di yee-jee dawn di guong shu-oh, yi jing da gong gow chen. May goo-oh ren say sah de how boo zhiz-dow f ashen sem-eh shee. Hen kwai who men joe yao jin shing die r jie dawn di guong shoo-oh, rong ho shih jhie joe zai wo men di jiao jea. Mao zhu see wang sui, ge ming was wee.”

When Alan stops, Dave asks, “Alan, what the heck was that?”

Alan says, “Ah, don’t listen to me Dave. I’m drunk.”

And now a peek behind the scenes: The above Chinese was translated phonetically for Alan. We made the attempt of Alan speaking actual Chinese. “Greetings, comrades. Phase one has been successfully completed. The stupid Americans still suspect nothing. Soon we will implement Phase 2, and the world will be ours. Long live Chairman Mao! Long live the revolution!”