Joke archive
%
It is said that Lisp programmers know that memory management is so
important that it cannot be left to the users and C programmers know
that memory management is so important that it cannot be left to the
system.
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	Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM
Canada Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier
in Japan.  The company noted in its order that acceptable quality
allowed for 1.5 per cent defects (a fairly high standard in North
America at the time).
	The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged
separately in plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know
why you want 1.5 per cent defective parts, but for your convenience,
we've packed them separately."
	-- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
%
	A woman was married to a golfer.  One day she asked, "If I were
to die, would you remarry?"
	After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
	The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
	"Yes," he replied.  "That's a good car and it runs well."
	"Well, would you live in this house?"
	"Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. 
I've always loved it here."
	"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
	"No."
	"Why not?"
	"She's left handed."
%
	A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his
fellow man".
	As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other,
"Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."  
%
	In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
Junior, what are you up to?"
	"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said
the rabbit.
	"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!  No one
will publish such rubbish!"
	"Well, follow me and I'll show you."
	They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.  Comes along a
wolf.  "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
	"I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits
devour wolves."
	"Are you crazy?  Where's your academic honesty?"
	"Come with me and I'll show you."
	As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his
face and a diploma in his paw.  Finally, the camera pans into the
rabbit's cave and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a
mean-looking, huge lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next
to some furry, bloody remnants of the wolf and the fox.

	The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
%
	A young married couple had their first child.  Their original
pride and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of
years the child had never uttered any form of speech.  They hired the
best speech therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail.  The
child simply refused to speak.  One morning when the child was five,
while the husband was reading the paper, and the wife was feeding the
dog, the little kid looks up from his bowl and said, "My cereal's
cold."
	The couple is stunned.  The man, in tears, confronts his son.
"Son, after all these years, why have you waited so long to say
something?".
	Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
%
	America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle
mission with one astronaut from each country.  Since it's going to be
two long, lonely years up there, each may bring any form of
entertainment weighing 150 pounds or less.  The American approaches
the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb. wife.  They approve.
	The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn
Latin.  I want 100 lbs. of textbooks."  The NASA board approves.  The
Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "Two years...  all
right, I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made."  Again,
NASA okays it.
	Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered
outside to welcome back the astronauts.  Well, it's obvious what the
American's been up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant.
The crowd cheers.  The Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10
minute speech in absolutely perfect Latin.  The crowd doesn't
understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer again.
The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his
knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and screams: "Anybody got
a match?"
%
  Is Windows a Virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1)  They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2) Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3) Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay,
Windows does that too.

4) Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with
valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

5) Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too
slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with
Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running
on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and
they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.  So Windows is
not a virus.

It's a bug.
%
	During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a
red-face country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
"Hey, you almost hit my wife."
	"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast.  "Terribly sorry.  Have a shot
at mine, over there."
%
	An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by
cannibals.  The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even
though you are about to killed, your deaths will not be in vain.
Every part of your body will be used.  Your flesh will be eaten, for
my people are hungry.  Your hair will be woven into clothing, for my
people are naked.  Your bones will be ground up and made into
medicine, for my people are sick.  Your skin will be stretched over
canoe frames, for my people need transportation.  We are a fair
people, and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial
knife."
	The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the
Queen", while plunging the knife into his heart.
 	The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and
yells, "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
	The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
%
	"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
	"Diet."
%
	A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing
his kilt.  As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in
a red convertible eyeing him and giggling.  One of them called out,
"Hey, Scotty!  What's worn under the kilt?"
	He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass,
are you SURE you want to know?"  Somewhat nervously, the blonde
replied yes, she did really want to know.
	The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's
worn under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
%
	"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his
best to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse
suite in the posh hotel.
	"No.  No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
	"Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
	"Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman.  "Would you bring me
a postcard?"
%
	There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money
by going from house to house offering to do odd jobs.  He explained
this to a man who answered one door.
	"How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
	"Forty dollars."
	"Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
	Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door
again.  "All done!", he says, and collects his money.  "By the way,"
the student says, "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
%
	Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design.
Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas guage,
nor any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.
Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the
center of the dashboard.  "The experienced driver", he says, "will
usually know what's wrong."
%
	A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning
the power off and on.  Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke
sternly, "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no
understanding of what is going wrong."  Knight turned the machine off
and on.  The machine worked.
%
"Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
"We wound barbed wire around them."
"That stop him?"
"No, but it sure slowed him up."
%
	Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all
of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.  She wore a
bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one
could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall
tan.  She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs;
she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her
rear.
	"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager
of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.  "The Hilton
doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much
appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
	"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.  "No
one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
	"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man.  "You're lying
on the dining room skylight."
%
	"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now
beginning to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you
is, shall this beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her
loveliest years in a dark prison cell?  Or shall she be set free to
return to her cozy little apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to
spend her lonely, loveless hours in her boudoir, lying beside her
little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
%
	Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great
river.  One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to
him to be the biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught.  He fought
with it for hours, until, finally, he managed to bring it to the
surface.  Looking of the edge of the boat, he saw the head of this
huge fish breaking the surface.  Smiling with pride, he reached over
the edge to pull the fish up.  Unfortunately, he accidently caught his
watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a snap, and his
watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud "sploosh!"
Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch.  Sadly,
the fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back
home.
	Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working
in a boring assembly-line job in a large city.  He worked in a
fish-processing plant.  It was his job, as each fish passed under his
hands, to chop off their heads, readying them for the next phase in
processing.  This monotonous task went on for years, the dull *thud*
of the cleaver chopping of each head being his entire world, day after
day, week after weary week.  Well, one day, as he was chopping fish,
he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on the line
looked very familiar.  Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish he
had lost on that day so many years ago?  He trembled with anticipation
as his cleaver came down.  IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD!  IT WAS HIS
THUMB!
%
	A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his
tests.  "I have some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse
news."  The bad news is that you only have six weeks to live."
	"Oh, no," says the patient.  "What could possibly be worse
than that?"
	"Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
last Monday."
%
	Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
afternoon.  Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over
near the edge of the fairway.  Just as he was about to chip out, he
noticed a long funeral procession going past on a nearby street.
Reverently, George removed his hat and stood at attention until the
procession had passed.  Then he continued his game, finishing with a
birdie on the eighteenth.  Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer
greet George.  "Say, that was a nice gesture you made today, George.
	"What do you mean?" asked George.
	"Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
	"Oh, yes," said George.  "Well, we were married 17 years, you
know."
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	"How'd you get that flat?"
	"Ran over a bottle."
	"Didn't you see it?"
	"Damn kid had it under his coat."
%
A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach
and observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned
woman.  As they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the
pump.
	The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men,
you may yet save her!!"
	The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According
to my understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped
more water from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet
in diameter and 6 feet high."
	The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
%
A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd
gathered by the side of the street.  Curiousity got the better of him
and he leaned out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on.
The fellow explained that a protestor against the U.S. position in
South America had doused himself with gasoline and set himself on
fire.  "That's terrible," gasped the man.  "But why is everyone still
standing around?"
	"Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
onlooker explained.  "Would you be willing to help?"
	"Well, sure," replied the New Yorker.  "I suppose I could spare a
gallon or two."
%
... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
objects and member functions.  Specifically, members may be placed in the
public, private, or protected parts of a class.  Members declared in the
public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses.  C++ also supports
the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
other's private parts.
		-- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
%
A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
a very charming woman staring admiringly at him.  He walked over and spoke 
with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
in as Mr. and Mrs.
	After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front 
desk and told the clerk he was checking out.  In a few minutes, he was handed
a bill for $2500.
	"There must be some mistake," the salesman said.  "I've been here for
only three days."
	"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.  "But your wife has been here a month
and a half."
%
A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
sitting in the yard watching the pig.  
	"That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman. 
	"Sure is, son," the farmer replied.  "Why, two years ago, my daughter
was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
	"Amazing!"  the salesman exlaimed.
	"And that's not the only thing.  Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
the north forty when a tree fell on me.  Pinned me to the ground, it did.  
That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
Saved my life."
	"Fantastic!  the salesman said.  But tell me, how come the pig has
three wooden legs?"
	The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement.  "Mister, when you 
got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
%
A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth.  Afterwards, the doctor
came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
	"Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
	"Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how.  Your son
(we assume) was born with no body.  He only has a head."
	Well, the doctor was correct.  The Head was alive and well, though no
one knew how.  The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
the circumstances.
	One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
phone call from another doctor.  The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
an operation.  Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
his head!"
	The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
up.  She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
surprise for you!"
	"Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
%
A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
	The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
the hard way.  The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
field stones... did it the hard way.  That hardwood floor in the living
room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way.  The ceiling
beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
	Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in.  The farmer
looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
obviously and smiles.  "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
%
A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard.  One of the men
gets out and goes into the office.
	"I need some four-by-two's," he says.
	"You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
	The man scratches his head.  "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
check." 
	Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
acceptable.
	"OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
	The guy gets the blank look again.  "Uh... I guess I better go
check," he says.
	He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
conversation.  The guy comes back into the office.  "A long time," he says,
"we're building a house".
%
	For example, in Year 1 that useless letter 'c' would be dropped to be
replased either by 'k' or 's', and likewise 'x' would no longer be part of the
alphabet. The only kase in which 'c' would be retained would be the 'ch'
formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform 'w' spelling,
so that 'which' and 'one' would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might
well abolish 'y' replasing it with 'i' and Iear 4 might fiks the 'g-j'
anomali wonse and for all.
	Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with
Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so
modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.  Bai
Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez
'c', 'y' and 'x' - bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu
riplais 'ch', 'sh', and 'th' rispektivli.
	Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a
lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
		-- Mark Twain
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A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
		-- Klipstein
%
All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
		-- Saint Patrick
%
	"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
	"How do you know?" the friend asked.
	"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
	"So?"
	"So, she's a liar.  I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
%
	Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home 
from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
	"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly.  "You
promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
nine.  It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
	"Honey, wait," said Harry.  "Let me explain.  I know what I promised
you, but I have a very good reason for being late.  Fred and I tee'd off
right on time and everything was find for the first three holes.  Then, on
the fourth tee Fred had a stroke.  I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
find a doctor.  And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead.  So, for
the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
%
A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska.  He drove for three days
and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
line.  He halted his car and walked up to the border guard.  "Hi, there!  How
do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
	The guard looked him up and down and grinned.  "Waal," he answered,
there are three things you gotta do to get in.  First, drink down a quart of
110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'.  Second, kill a grizzly bear, a
third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
	"Sounds easy enough," said the Texan.  "Where can I get a quart of
this here corn liquor?"
	"Got one right here," replied the guard.
	The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
	"Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
	The Texan lurched merrily off.  About an hour later he returned
with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody.  He was
smiling happily.  "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
want killed?"
%
	The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
	"What happened?"
	"Dunno," replied the man.  "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
-- well, I'll be damned.  There goes another one!"
%
              The Drinkers Fault Finding Guide
              ================================

Symptom  : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault    : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part
           of face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with
           as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom  : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale
           and clear.
Fault    : Glass is empty.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom  : Room is spinning.
Fault    : Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution : Vomit on person doing the spinning.

Symptom  : Feet cold and wet.
Fault    : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom  : Feet warm and wet.
Fault    : Loss of self-control.
Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog.  After a while complain to its
           owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom  : Lap cool and wet.
Fault    : Drooling on yourself.
Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

Symptom  : Bar blurred.
Fault    : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom  : Bar moving.
Fault    : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar.  If not complain
           loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Sympton  : Bar looks like a circus.
Fault    : You're at a circus.
Solution : Go to a bar.

Symptom  : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a
           fluorescent strip across it.
Fault    : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking
           arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you
           to the bar.

Symptom  : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and
           dog-ends.
Fault    : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom  : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot
           see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault    : You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat
           yourself to a lie in.

Symptom  : Everything has gone dim.
Fault    : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC!!
%
A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
%
FOR SALE:
	Parachute.  Used once.
	Never opened.  Slightly Stained.
%
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.  Just
stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you
which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.  No
one will answer.
%
	While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
the woods and disappear across the clearing.  Just as she got out of sight, 
three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
	"Yes," replied the hunter.  "What's the trouble?"
	"She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
then.  We're trying to catch her."
	"I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
carrying a bucket of sand?"
	"That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
%
Cica un tren se opreste in gara la Caracal.  Un calator scoate capul
pe geam sa admire atmosfera.  Agale trece un feroviar cu ciocanul.
	"Nu va suparati, Caracal i aicea?" intreaba pasagerul.
	"Da bine ca esti tu destept!"
%
After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, 
claming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
in a wheelchair.  Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable  of walking, the
judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
	When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
Miller was confronted by several executives.  "You're not getting away with
this, Miller," one said.  "We're going to watch you day and night.  If you
take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
perjury.  Here's the money.  What do you intend to do with it?"
	"My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied.  "We'll go to
Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
%
Father:	Son, it's time we talked about sex.
Son:	Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
%
A guy goes over to his girlfriends house to watch a video movie.  The
cute girlfriend is called to a rear bedroom by her aging grandmother.
While gone the guy munches on some peanuts from a bowl in front of the
TV.  The peanuts are so good he downs the whole bowl full.  A few
minutes later the girl comes back into the living area with her
grandmother by her side and she introduces her to the guy.  He says,
"Sorry, but I ate all those peanuts, they were delicious."  The
grandmother says, "That's OK honey, I don't have any teeth and I can't
eat peanuts, but I did enjoy sucking the chocolate off them!"
%
First cow:you heard about this mad cow thing
second cow:I have
first cow: aren't you worred?
second cow:No I am a duck
%
There was a Texan, a Californian, and a Washingtonian camping in the woods.
By the campfire after dark the Texan opened up a bottle of Yukon Jack, took
a swig, thru the bottle in the air, pulled out a double barrel shotgun, and
blew the bottle to pieces.  The Washingtonian looked at him and said, "Why
didn't you finish it?"  The Texan replied, "It's okay, we've got plenty of
Yukon Jack where I come from. 

      The Californian then pulled out a bottle of Cabernet, took a sip, then
threw the rest in the air, pulled out a 38 special, and shot the bottle.  He
then looked around and said, "That's okay, we've got plenty more in
California."  

     The Washingtonian then pulled out a bottle of Micro-Brewery Ale, drank
it all down, tossed the empty bottle in air, pulled out a pistol, shot the
Californian, and caught the bottle.  He then looked over at the Texan and
said, "It's okay, we've got plenty of Californians in Washington, but I have
to recycle the bottle."
%
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.  
   The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He 
says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."  
   The grandfather replies,  "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's 
too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." 
   The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of 
hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a 
board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.  
   The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the 
hair spray and runs into the house.
   Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the  
little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you 
already  gave me five dollars." 
   The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
%
Said a doctor to an amputee: "I've got good news and bad news. The bad
news is that we amputated the wrong leg. The good news is that your other
leg does not have to be amputated at all."
%
A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along
and hit the door, ripping it off completely.  When the police arrived
at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to
his precious BMW.  
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he whined.  
"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the
officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't
even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaad...", replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left
shoulder where his arm once was, "where's my Rolex!!!!!"  
%
  A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an 
experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to 
disperse some people who were loitering.
  The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on 
a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and siad, "Let's get off the 
corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" 
Intimidated, the group of people begaan to leave, casting puzzled glances 
in his direction. 
  Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his 
partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
  Pretty good, " replied the veteran, "especially since this is a bus stop."
%
Two old friends met on the street and one invited the other to dinner.
"We live in apartment 12B," he said. "Just lean on the bell with your
elbow."

"Why should I use my elbow ?" the other asked.

"You weren't thinking of coming empty-handed, were you?"
%
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

	(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
	(2) Advising the President.
	(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
		-- David Letterman
%
Advertising guy burns out after 30 years. Finally decides he's had it
with the pressure, the clients being right when they're dead wrong,
the deadlines, the upset stomach. He moves to a small town in Vermont.

After six months, even the town makes him claustrophobic, so he moves
20 miles out into the country, buys forty acres and builds a shack. No
phone, no electricity and his water supply is a creek that runs a
quarter of a mile from his home. Once a month he goes to
town for groceries.

Heaven. Shangri-La. Walden. Nirvana. The advertising guy is finally at
peace.

One day there is a knock at his door. The first. He answers it and
finds himself facing a tall, robust native Vermonter.

NATIVE: Howdy, neighbah.

ADMAN: What do you mean neighbor. I don't have any neighbors here.

NATIVE: I'm your neighba from four mile down the crick. Walked ovah
heah to invite ya' to a pahty I'm havin' this Sattidy night.

ADMAN: A party. I haven't even talked to anyone in months. A party
sound's wonderful. I'll be there.

NATIVE: 'Ought to warn ya' there might be some heavy drinkin' takin'
place.

ADMAN: No need to warn me. That sounds just fine.

NATIVE: Ay-uh. And some fightin' might break out upon occasion.

ADMAN: That's fine. Wonderful. I love a good fight.

NATIVE: And there's likely to be some unusual sexual activities.

ADMAN: What a fabulous party. I'm really looking forward. What should
I wear?

NATIVE: Oh, ya' kin weah pretty much whatevah ya' please. There'll
just be the two of us.
%
Jesus and Moses decide to play Augusta National for their weekly golf
match. All goes well until they reach the 16th hole. As Jesus extracts
his 6 iron for this shot over water Moses tells him he should use a
longer club as "you won't reach the green with only a 6 iron."
Jesus Replies, "I saw Jack Nicklaus use a 6 iron here just last week
and he carried the green easily." He then proceeded to hit the ball
into the water a few yards short of the green. "Will you go get it for
me", he asked Moses and Moses parted the waters of the pond and walked
out and picked up the ball belonging to Jesus from among all the other
balls on the floor of the pond. After returning it to Jesus he noticed
that Jesus was about to try again with his 6 iron. 
"You'll never get it there with that club. If you hit it into the
water again you'll have to retrieve it yourself!" Of course he did
just that and as Jesus was walking out on the surface of the pond to
get his ball the foursome playing behind them caught up to them. 
One of the men walked up to Moses and asked, "who does that guy think
he is, Jesus Christ?" Moses replied, "He is Jesus Christ. He THINKS
he's Jack Nicklaus!"
%
Bill Clinton wakes up and looks out of his window onto the White House lawn.
He sees that someone has pissed in the snow the words "Bill Clinton is a
small dick loser!"
He gets really angry and calls in the FBI to investigate who did this.
A while later, they come back, and say "We've got some bad news and some
worse news. The bad news is that we've forensically identified the urine
as Al Gores."
"Oh no!" cries Bill. "My most trusted aide! What's the worse news?"
"It's in Hilary's handwriting."
%
I just wish that Dan Quayle would stop that endless smiling all the time. How
are we going to send him overseas to all those funerals?
%
As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamikaze dive into a different
glass.
	The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
with a spoon,  flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
	The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips.  With
a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
down in one gulp.
	Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off.  Then, in a
firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
%
(WARNING: THIS JOKE CONTAINS SOME POSSIBLY OFFENSIVE MATERIAL; 
READ AT YOUR OWN RISK).

This guy was out bear hunting, and came upon a stand of trees adjacent to
a clearing, and thought it looked like a good place to lie in wait to see
if a bear came by. Sure enough, after a short while, he caught sight of a
bear lumbering through the clearing. He leveled his rifle, took careful
aim, and squeezed one off. BANG! 

He looked toward the clearing and saw the fur flying, so he was pretty
sure he nailed the bear. He walked over, and started looking around, but
he couldn't see the bear anywhere. He was standing there sort of confused
when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around and sure as shit, the
bear was standing right behind him.

The bear said, "Well, the way I see it, I can either maul you to death
right here on the spot, or you can give me a blow job." The hunter didn't
want to die, so he reluctantly granted the bear's request.

The hunter went home, and the more he thought about what had happened the
more his humiliation turned to rage. He swore that the following day, he'd
go back out and kill that son of a bitch bear.

So he set out in the morning with his AK-47, and returned to the same
spot. He waited a while, and sure enough the bear came lumbering through
the clearing. He aimed the assault weapon and fired. BOOM!!

He saw the fur flying, and walked over to inspect his kill. But he
couldn't find the damned bear! Then he felt a tap on his shoulder. He
looked around, and the bear said, "Well, either I maul you, or I give it
to you right up the ass."

Again the hunter let the bear have his way, then returned home.

That night, the hunter started getting really pissed off. The next morning
he got out his bazooka and went out again in search of the bear. He waited
by the clearing for a while, and soon the bear appeared again. He aimed
the bazooka, and fired. KA-BOOOOOM!!!

He saw the fur fly, and walked over to the clearing. He looked around, but
no bear! Then he felt a familiar tap on his shoulder, and turned around.

The bear said, "Tell me the truth. You ain't in this for the hunting, are you?"
%
During finals at Purdue University in West Lafayette, Ind., test papers 
were being distributed to the class. After conferring with a nervous 
assistant, the professor spoke. "There's a problem," he said. "One of you 
has the answer key instead of the test." Reaching into his billfold, he 
continued, "If you identify yourself, this five-dollar bill is yours."

A young man raised his hand, and the professor walked toward him. "Wait a 
minute," shouted another student.  "I'll give you fifty dollars."
%
Sean is invited to join his good friend Bufu on a deer hunt. My goodness,
isn't Sean excited! He can't even sleep the night before opening day.

At 4:30 AM, the two lads trudge through the woods. Bufu chooses a 
tree to set up his stand, and points out another, about a half-mile
away, for Sean, who sleepily agrees.

After a couple hours waiting for a deer, and fighting to stay awake,
Sean is seized with another feeling -- he's got to take a dump!
He climbs out of his tree stand, drops his pants, and squats down
over a log. However he's constipated. :(

The travel, the lack of sleep, the excitement -- it all catches up
with him, and as he's waiting for his bowels to move, he falls fast
asleep.

Meanwhile.

Bufu, in his stand, alertly notices some movement. He brings his rifle
up, and a nice 6pt buck walks directly into his cross-hairs!
Safety off, squeeeeeeze the trigger - WHAM! The deer drops. Bufu
climbs down, field dresses the deer, then goes in search of Sean,
wanting some help to drag the deer out.

He finds Sean in the position described earlier -- squatting down
still asleep. Bufu chuckles, then decides to play a practical
joke. He goes back to where he's gutted the deer, and collects an
armful of intestines. He creeps back to where Sean is still
asleep, and carefully places the enormous pile directly under
Sean's exposed ass. Then returns to the deer. 

Fifteen minutes later, as Bufu is huffing and puffing, trying
to drag the deer out himself, he sees Sean who looks kind of
green, and considerably ill. What's wrong, he inquires?

"Oh man, oh man!," Sean says. "I squatted down for a crap and
dozed off -- but when I woke up, I had shit out my guts!!"

Bufu gasps.

"But, thanks to God, and the help of a short stick, I got 'em
all back up."
%
Q. How many men does it take to tile a roof?
A. It depends on how thinly you slice them.
%
A guy knocked off early from work and checked in at the local saloon. 
By two o'clock in the morning, he was trashed. Buying a pint of tequila 
for the road and slipping it in his back pocket, he staggered outside, 
tripped over a curb and fell on his ass, busting the whiskey bottle.
   At home, he starts to feel a little pain. He looks in a mirror after 
undressing and sees the blood and the cuts on his butt. Trying to focus 
on the mirror, he repairs the damage as best he can, then crashes in 
bed. 
   The next morning, he wakes up with a hangover from hell, feeling like 
he'd been chewed up by a coyote and shit off a cliff. 
   He looks up through the pain and fog, and sees his wife standing 
beside the bed. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said.  
"Where'd you go?"
   "I worked late and I stopped off at the Lonesome Dove for a couple of 
beers."
   "A couple of beers, hell!" she snorted. "You got so plastered last 
night you couldn't see straight!"
   "What makes you think that?"
   "My first big clue was when I got up this morning  and found a bunch 
of band-aids stuck to the bathroom mirror."
%
A young woman is sitting on the bus cooing to her baby when a drunk 
staggers down the aisle. Stopping and weaving in front of her, he 
focuses on her and finally mutters, "Lady, that's the ugliest baby I've 
ever seen in my whole life."  
  The woman burst into tears. Looking at the commotion in his rear-view 
mirror, the driver stops the bus, goes back and glares at the drunk for 
a minute, then throws him off the bus.
   Returning with his lunch pail to the young woman, he says, "Look, I 
don't know what the bum said to you, but to help calm you down, you can 
have my coffee."
   He takes out a steaming thermos, pours her a cup of coffee and hands 
it to her. Digging back in the lunch pail, he takes out a banana. 
"And here--this is for your pet monkey."
%
A dummy goes ice fishing. He starts to auger a hole in the ice when a 
loud booming voice says, "There's no fish down there!" 
   Dummy stops drilling, moves a little way, and starts to drill again. 
   The same voice booms, "There's no fish down there!" 
   Dummy moves a little further and is about to drill again, but the 
voice immediately booms, "There's no fish down there!" 
   Dummy looks around and says, "Who are you anyways? God?" 
   "No, you jerk! I'm the caretaker of this skating rink!" 
%
Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest 
thing in the world.
   First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick 
your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and 
hits the brain."
   Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and 
open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is 
changed."
   Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you 
press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."
   Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think its the Mexican-two-step 
diarrhea."
   All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?"
   Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border 
to a saloon last night and drank a buncha home-made Mexican tequilla. On 
the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two 
helpings of her Mexican Special, which had been warmed over a time or 
two, and a buncha jalapenas and some chili peppers I never saw before."
   First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or 
diarrhea?"
   Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed? I felt this 
fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or 
blink, or turn that fucking light on....
%
        Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
Guinevere, into her chastity belt.  Then he summoned his loyal friend and
subject Sir Lancelot.  "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife.  The key to this chaste
treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world.  To you."
        Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
blessing and took charge of the key.  Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
        "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
        "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
%
     There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old,
abandoned mine shaft.  Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble
and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard
nothing.  They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited.
Still nothing.  They searched the area for something larger and came
upon a railroad tie.  With great difficulty, the two men carried it to
the opening and threw it in.  While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat
suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
     The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their
faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them.  He
asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said
that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them!  The man
replied, "Oh no.  That couldn't be *my* goat, mine was tied to a
railroad tie."
%
While out on the golf course, a gentleman suddenly falls over
on the ninth green.  "Heart attack", he calls over to a friend,
who then races off to find help.  The friend returns shortly,
panting slightly, and says "Don't worry, I found a doctor on
the third hole who can help you, and they are going to let him
play thru."
%
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there,
it was approached by a pirate ship, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze! 
"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate. 
"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring
me my red shirt." The first mate did so. 
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight.
So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without
casualties. 
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate
sloops! 
"Captain, captain, what should we do?" 
"First mate, bring me my red shirt!" 
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed
to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night,
the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the captain the
secret of his bright red shirt. 
"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the
crew continues to fight without fear." 
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the
lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching! 
"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble! What do we do?" The first mate
looked expectantly at the miracle worker. 
Pale with fear, the captain commanded,
"First mate... bring me my brown pants!" 
%
Latest discovery:
helicopters with ejection seats
%
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of
whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their
glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks:
  'Can your dog perform other tricks?'.
  'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even satisfy a woman'.
Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a
little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation
she lies down on the bed.
The dogs looks at her and does nothing.
  'It's always the same thing with you!',the man then shouts to
  the dog, 'I'll show you how to do it one last time'.
%
warning: this may be offensive.  read at own risk.

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by
chance their seats were next to the elephant pen.  When his father left
to buy popcorn, the boy piped up,
        "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
        "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
        "No, not that."
        "Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
        "No, Mom.  Down underneath."
        His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
        Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get
a soda.  As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.
        "That's the elephant's trunk, son."
        "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is.  The thing at the
other end."
        "Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
        "No.  Down there."
        The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's
penis."
        "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
        The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled*
that woman."
%
How many blondes does it take to milk a cow?
5: one to hold the teats (the udder) and four to shake the cow up and down.
%
	Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the
mirror, admiring her breasts.
	"And what do you think you're doing?" he asked.
	"I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a
twenty-five-year-old."
	"Oh yeah?  And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old
ass?"
	"Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."
%
	A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have
some good news and some bad news."
	He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news."
	She replied, "You're not sterile."
%
TRUST:	Two cannibals having oral sex.
%
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
		-- Woody Allen
%
"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came
upon his wife in bed with another man.  The wife turned and smiled at her
companion.
	"See?" she said.  "I told you he was stupid!"
%
A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the
greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple."
	Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand.
	"Yes, Tony?"
	"Christopher Columbus!" says Tony.
	"Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man,
but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived."
	From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand.
	"Yes, Bernie?"
	"Jesus Christ", says Bernie.
	"That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher.  "And here is
your apple."
	When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize,
the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised
that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived."
	"Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge,
but business is business."
%
ADULTERY:
	Putting yourself in someone else's position.
%
As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept
saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with
one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard,
you're a veterinarian."
%
A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive
little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid.
		-- Adolf Hitler
%
A man was talking to his best friend about his married life.  "You know," he
says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to
me, but there's *always* that doubt.  There's *always* that little doubt."
	"Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
	"Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend,
and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone?  I trust
her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt."
	The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
	"I've got some bad news for you," says the friend.  "The evening
after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house.  A man
got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife.
After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him.  Then, he
took off his shirt and she took off her blouse.  And then the light went
out."
	"*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
	"Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
	"Damn!" roared the husband.  "You see what I mean?  There's *always*
that doubt!"
%
A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand-
father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit
used to raid towns around here!  Did you ever know him?"
	"Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man.  "Why, boy, before
your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse.  Suddenly, from
behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn!  He told me to get
down off the horse and to give him all my money.  Then, he told me to scoop
some manure from the ground and eat it!"
	"I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit.
And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up --
I grabbed the guns from his hands!  I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now
it's your turn -- you eat the shit!'  I had the guns, so he ate the shit.
	"And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit!  Why,
we had *lunch* together!"
%
Trei furnici pe spinarea unui elefant.  Elefantul se scutura si cad
doua.  Ramine una pe git.  Cele de jos:
-Sugruma-l, sugruma-l!
%
A man and a woman got married.  Although it is the first time for the
husband, it is the woman's second marriage.  As they go to bed on their
wedding night, the wife says to her husband:

	"Dear, there's something I must tell you.  I'm a virgin."
Naturally, the husband is surprised.
	"You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a
virgin?"
	"Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a
Microsoft computer programmer."
	"What's so odd about that?", he asked.
	"Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and
tell me how great it was going to be."
%
667 -- The neighbor of the beast.
%
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it
into a urinal.  Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar
and repeats this sequence -- several times.  Finally the bartender got so
curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.
	Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."
%
A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
hard it was to get any sleep.
	"I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
	"That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
	"At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."
%
	Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club 
car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
	"I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
London?"
	The American laughed.  "It was my home for two years during the war," 
he said.  "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
	The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
he say, Reggie?"
	"He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
replied.
	After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You 
didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
	The American almost fell off his chair.  "Hot Pants Hazel!" he 
exclaimed.  "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months 
just before I came back to the States!"
	"What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
	"He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
%
There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a
chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer.

The car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the
engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical
engineer.

"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel mght
be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be a grounding problem", says the electrical engineer,
"or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well,
what do you think?"

"Ummm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"
%
	An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
I have not been enlightened.  What should I do?"
	Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
		-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
%
After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded
bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on
his way to see his wife.  Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked
on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it.  "Where the hell have
you been?" she blared.  "You busted out more than six hours ago!"
%
	"How many people work here?"
	"Oh, about half."
%
	Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly 
approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
	"Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?  
All I have in the world is this gun."
%
	Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his
testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
no attention to the signal.
	The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
"I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
	"No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
%
	n = ((n >>  1) & 0x55555555) | ((n <<  1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
	n = ((n >>  2) & 0x33333333) | ((n <<  2) & 0xcccccccc);
	n = ((n >>  4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n <<  4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
	n = ((n >>  8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n <<  8) & 0xff00ff00);
	n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);

-- Reverse the bits in a word.
%
	The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of
the week.  As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at
the door.  "Please come in!  We're very grateful for your years of service to
us and our neighborhood.  I've prepared something special for you."
 	In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where
Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch.  After dumping his letter satchel
on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal.  As the mailman finished
his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from
leaving and disappears upstairs.  She returns in a moment, in a daring
negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate
farewell is consummated between the sheets.
 	As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand,
pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him.  Reacting to his astonished
look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that
we should do something for you.  He said 'Fuck him.  Give him a dollar!'"
She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea."
%
- Ai poze porno cu nevasta-ta?
- Nu!
- Cumperi?
%
So up goes an Irishman to the pearly gates, and he patiently waits for
St. Peter to look up from his work.  Finally, he gives the Irishman his
attention.

"And you are...?" St. Peter asks.

"I'm Kevin O'Conlan," replies the Irishman.

"Hmm, O'Conlan...O'Conlan..." the gatekeeper mused, poring over his compen-
dious list of people and events.  "Ah, here we are.  Kevin O'Conlan...you're
a member of the Irish Republican Army."

"Yeh, that'd be me," replies Kevin.

"You blew up that pub in London!"

"Yeh."

"You also blew up a bus in Belfast and a munitions transport in 
Northumberland."

"Yeh, that's all me work," comes the nonplussed reply.

St. Peter is just amazed at this guy, and when he finally finds words,
he blurts, "Well, good God, man, we just can't let you in here!"

"Let me in, Hell!" says Kevin.  "I come to tell you you've got ten
minutes to get out!"
%
There was this guy who adored this delicacy called the tomyam
soup. He has to have this soup everyday of his life, you see. No day
would be complete without it. In fact, he can't go to sleep at night
without having his daily bowl of tomyam soup.

One day, he goes to a Thai restaurant... the very place that he
always go to everytime he craves for the soup. The waiters and the
manager knew him well, particularly this one waiter who would always
get good tips from this guy. The waiter ushers him to his table and
brings him a bowl of piping hot tomyam soup. The guy just stared at
the bowl without even lifting a finger.

The waiter waited and waited but the guy didn't even touch his
soup. So he figured "maybe its too hot" so he blew in it to reduce the
heat. Still the guy does nothing. The waiter figured "maybe its too
cold" so he heat it up. But the guy still remained as he was.

Finally the waiter gave up in frustration and said, "For God's
sake, you gotta say something to somebody."

"Alright, wiseguy,"said the customer. "You taste the soup."

The waiter leans forward and said, "Where the hell's the spoon?"

"A-HA!" said the customer.
%
	Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
complexities.  Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
	Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
available to anyone.
		-- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
%
  A woman gets driven to the hospital by her husband, well on in labor, 
and gives birth in the elevator on the way up to the maternity floor.  
She is very upset by this so the nurse tries to comfort her by telling 
her that just last year they had a mother give birth 20 feet from the 
car that drove her in, only to have the mother say 'Yes!  That was me 
too!'.
%
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over
the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
%
A woman rushes into the vet's office carrying her ailing pet.
"Please," she begs, "you've got to do something for my dog!"

The doctor leads her to the examining room where she gently lays
the animal on the table.  After a brief check of the body, the
vet declares, "Ma'am, I'm afraid your dog is dead."

"Oh, no," sobs the woman, "He can't be!  Please, I beg you, there must
be something you can do to help him!"  

So the doctor takes a closer look -- he lifts one of the dog's eyes,
feels its nose, feels the chest for a pulse -- but there is nothing,
the corpse is cold and lifeless.  "I'm really sorry, ma'am, but your
dog is gone."  

The woman begins to sob, "Oh, please!  Isn't there something you can
do to help him?  ANYTHING!?"  

The vet sighs, then says, "Well, there is one more thing I can try."
He goes into the next room for a moment, and returns with a live cat.
Grasping the cat firmly in one hand, he waves the hissing feline in
the dog's face, all around the dog's body, then in the dog's face
again.  But the dog just lies there, so the vet returns the cat to the
next room.  "I'm really sorry, ma'am, but your dog is really dead, and
nobody can bring him back."  

Regathering her composure, the woman sniffs, wipes away a tear, and
asks the vet, "Well, at least thank you for trying.  How much do I owe
you?"  

"That'll be 320 dollars," says the vet.  Shocked, the woman exclaims,
"What?!  But you really didn't do anything!"  

"Standard fee," says the vet.  "$20 for the examination, and $300 for
the cat scan."
%
Tobacco wasn't getting such a bad press back in his day, and Thomas
Edison was a heavy smoker of stogies. But he was somewhat annoyed when
his friends helped themselves liberally to his expensive cigars from
Cuba. He decided to play a practical joke on them. He had a cigar
maker construct a lot of authentic-looking smokes made entirely of
cabbage leaves with brown paper wrapping. He left these in a prominent
place on his desk. Then in a day or two he left on a short trip. When
he returned, his Havanas started disappearing again.

"But what did you do with those--er--new cigars I ordered?" he asked
his secretary.

"Oh, those," said the secretary. "I took it for granted that those
cigars were something special. So I put that box in your suitcase."

My goodness!" exclaimed Edison. "You mean to say that I smoked every
one of those lousy things myself?"
%
        A first-time Congressman was being interviewed by the local
paper.  "Mr. Congressman," said the reporter, "when you get to
Washington, are you going to be a pawn for the powerful interests that
most of your constituents think will control you?"
        "I resent that question, Sir," the Congressman replied.  "I do
not plan to take my wife to Washington."
%
A young fellow and his girl are parked in a lover's lane that runs
along a river. The guy wants to make love, but the girl is afraid
somebody will come along and see them. They decide to do it under his
Dodge 4 X 4 pickup with oversized tires and lots of room under.
   A few minutes later, a county deputy pulls up and says, "Hey, what
the devil you all doing down there?" 
   The young fellow being in a full rut doesn't even look up, but
manages to say, "I'm  fixing my muffler."
   The deputy says, "Well, son, you shoulda been fixin' your parking
brake, 'cause your truck just rolled into the river."
%
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket
when he slipped and fell heavily.  Struggling to his feet, he felt
something wet running down his leg.  "Please, God," he implored, "let
it be blood!"
%
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
		-- Tom Lehrer
%
**WATCH OUT: This is a bit sadisctic.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their 
adventures on the seas.  The seaman notes that the pirate has a 
peg-leg, a hook-hand, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept
overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out,
a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and
were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my
hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked
incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."
%
An old lady calls the newspaper and asks for the obituary section.
The obit guy asks, "What can I do for you?'
   "I'd like to place an obituary."
   "Awright, how would you like it to read?'
   "Irving Cohen died."
   "That's it? Irving Cohen died?"
   "That's it."
   "But you get four lines in the obit. It's included in the price."
   "All right. Irving Cohen died...Cadillac for sale."
%
Common Laser sign found around many laser labs:

Caution:
Do not look into laser with remaining eye!
%
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

"You , attorney Leon; gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave
me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket & pulled out a check.  He handed it
to Leon....

"Now then, I'm returning $5,000 & we're going to decide this case
solely on its merits."
%
** Warning: this is a bit offensive (talks about sex).

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon,
he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for
Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual com
traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.  Before
he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr.
Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some
rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in
either the Russian nor American space programs.

Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good
luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant.  On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while
answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26
year old question to Armstrong.  He finally responded.  It seems that
Mr.  Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the
question.  When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his
brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in
front of his neighbors' bedroom window.  The neighbors were Mr and
Mrs.  Gorsky.  As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs.
Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex?  Oral sex you want?  You'll
get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
%
This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.  One
day, he sees a speck in the horizon.  He thinks to himself, "It's not
a ship."  The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a
boat."  The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet
suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've
had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and
pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!
Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of
whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve,
pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of
her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since
you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God!  Don't tell me that you've got golf
clubs in there!"
%
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower:  "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!!  Do you
have the airfield in sight?!?!!"

Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where
the fuel truck is."
%
During a trial a lawyer asks a farmer, "At the scene of the accident,
did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?" 
   "Sure did," said the farmer.
   Lawyers says, "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you
were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?" 
   Farmer says, "When the deputy arrived, he went over to my horse,
which had a broke leg, and shot him. Then he went over to my dog, which
was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I figured
that under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I
never felt better in my life." 
%
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
game.  Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
along it at the water's edge.  Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.  Then, the
paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
colony and overfly it.  Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
fall over gently onto their backs.
		-- Audobon Society Magazine
%
** Warning: political joke [I didn't compose it; don't blame me]

A democrat and a republican were in the Bahamas scuba diving.

Lying on the beach, the republican says "ah, this is the life"

"Yeah" says the democrat, "and it wouldn't have happened except for the
fire.  My house burned down, and I lost everything.  But the insurance
covered all my losses and I had enough left over to come here while my
house is being built"

"What a coincidence" says the republican "I'm here because I lost my
house in a flood, and everything was covered, with enough left over for
THIS trip.  I'll be here till my house is finished"

The democrat looks puzzled and pounderous for about an hour.  Not being
able to take it anymore, he asks the republican

"How the heck do you start a flood?"
%
* Warning: a bit sadistic

	On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum 
to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.  
There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning 
alive.  "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't 
dead yet.  I can see her lips moving.  Go quickly and find out what she is 
saying."
	The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
the flames as he dared, and listened intently.  Then he turned and ran back
to the imperial box.  "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
singing."
	"Singing?" said the astounded emperor.  "Singing what?"
	"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
%
		WinErr 00AB: Device `mouse' not found.
		  Click on left button to continue.
%
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents.  Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first
time.  Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.  He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.  At the register,
the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a
3-pack, 10-pack or family pack.  The boy insists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and
all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door.

"Oh I'm so excited for your to meet my parents, come on in!"  The boy
goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents
are seated.  The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
down.  10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.  Finally,
after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over
and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this
religious." 

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist!"
%
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
        There are no answers, only cross references.
%
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor,
I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without
repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet,
conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.  One
day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat,
shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"  But this just makes the bird
mad and he swears more than ever.  Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for
you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the
bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the
bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran
sailor blush.
 
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws
and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet.  At first the guy just
waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a
couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer
door.
 
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully
sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my
vocabulary from now on."  The man is astounded. He can't understand the
transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the
way, what did the chicken do?"
%
** Warning: animal lovers do not read this

In a recent issue of "Meat & Poultry" magazine, editors quoted from
"Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation,
reporting the following story:

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for
testing the strength of windshields on airplanes.  The device is an air
cannon that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately
the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact,
it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.  It seems that
British Rail was very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on
a brand new, ultra high speed locomotive they're developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired.  The
ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's
chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the
engine cab.  The British engineers were stunned and asked the FAA to
review the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA checked  the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:
"Try thawing the chicken next time."
%
                       "Woman" - A Chemical Analysis
                        ****************************
 
       Element        :    Woman
       Symbol         :    WO
       Discoverer     :    Adam
       Atomic mass    :    Accepted as 53.6 Kg, may vary from 40 to
                           200 Kg
       Occurrence     :    Copious quantities in all urban areas
 
       PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
       1.   Surface usually covered with painted film.
       2.   Boils at various temperatures, freezes without any known 	 
            reason.
       3.   Melts if given special treatment.
       4.   Bitter if incorrectly used.
       5.   Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
       6.   Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
 
       CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
       1.   Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious 
            stones.
       2.   Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
       3.   May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no
            known reason.
       4.   Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by
            saturation in alcohol.
       5.   Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
 
       COMMON USES
       1.   Mainly ornamental.
       2.   Can be a great aid in relaxation.
       3.   Very effective cleaning agent.
 
       TESTS
       1.   Pure specimen turns rosy pink when found in natural state.
       2.   Turns green when placed beside better specimen.
 
       POTENTIAL HAZARDS
       1.   Highly dangerous, except in experienced hands.
       2.   Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be
            maintained in different locations as long as specimens do
            come into direct contact with each other.
%
From the Book of Heroical Failures:

We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most
unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose
from his seat, drew a gun and took the stewardess hostage.

"Take me to Detroit," he demanded.

"We're already going to Detroit," she replied.

"Oh... good," he said, and sat down again.
%
* Warning: religious people might be offended (they shouldn't, though).

   The following announcements appeared in various church bulletins.
 
 Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
   
 Thursday night-Potluck supper.  Prayer and medication to follow.
   
 Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
    community.
   
 For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have
    a nursery downstairs.
   
 The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth 
    of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
   
 This afternoon there will be a meeting in the North & South
    ends of the church.  Children will be baptized at both ends.
   
 Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers
    Club.  All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers will meet with the
    Pastor in his study.
   
 This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward
     and lay an egg on the altar.
   
 Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost
    of the new carpet.  All those wishing to do something on the new
    carpet will come forward and do so.
   
 The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. 
     They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
   
 At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
    "What is Hell?"  Come early and listen to our choir practice.
%
                  Helpful Camping Tips

by Bruce Cochran; from the Sept. `96 issue of Backpacker:

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will
keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite
stump apart and eating all the ants.

Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over
an open fire.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm.  A hot
enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your
toes.

You'll never be awakened by the call of a loon if you have an unlisted
number.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy
Knife has remained largely unheralded.  Its single blade functions as a
tiny canoe paddle.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter.  Warning:  Remove lint
from navel before applying the match.

You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the
north side of your compass.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into
a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt.  It gives you something
to wipe your nose on.

You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running
over it with your car.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.
A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey
puck.

You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then
breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting
small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your
underwear.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent
kindling.

A large carp can be used for a pillow.

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations.  The
sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country.
The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of
politicians for toilet paper.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle
a snoring tent mate.
%
* You might find this offensive.  Not very, I think.

Two women are playing golf. The first tees off and watches in horror
as the ball heads directly toward a foursome of men playing the next 
hole. 
   The ball hits one of the guys, who immediately clasps his hands 
together at his crotch, falls to the ground and rolls around in agony.
   The woman rushes to the guy and immediately begins apologizing,
saying,  "Please allow me to help! I'm a physical therapist and I  know
I could relieve your pain if you'd just let me!"
   The guy's still in a fetal position, clasping his  hands together at
his crotch, moaning and groaning. Finally, he's able to mumble, "I'll
be...okay...in a few minutes."
   The woman takes it upon herself to begin to treat his pain. She 
begins to massage his groin. After a few moments she asks, "Does that 
feel better?"
   The guy looks up at her and says, "Yeah, lady, feels great. But my 
goddamn thumb still hurts like hell!"
%
An old farmer decides it's time to get a new rooster for his hens.
The current rooster is still doing an okay job, but he's getting on in
years.

And the farmer figures getting a new rooster can't hurt anything. So
he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him
loose in the barn yard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets
a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old
rooster.  I've got to do something about this.

He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town?
I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready
for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird.  And
to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over
there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets
to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster is a proud sort, and he definitely thinks he's
more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," says the young
rooster.  "And since you're so old, I'll even give you a head start of
half a lap. I'll still win easy," says the young rooster.

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with
all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the
hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old
rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old
guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.

Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time
around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young
rooster. By now the farmer has heard all the commotion . He runs into
the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a
fox or something is after his chickens.

When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen
house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately
takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself...

"Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
%
After the Hugh Grant incident that made the papers, Bill Gates called
up Hugh Grant.  Bill asked him "Was it really worth $50 to almost
ruin your career?"

Hugh replied "Bill, actually it was worth a million".

So Bill called up Hughes' favorite prostitute, but since she  became
so famous,  her prices had gone up quite a bit.  So Bill paid $10,000
for a night with Divine.

In  the  morning  he  said,  "That  was  fantastic!  Now  I   know
why professionally you call yourself 'divine'".

She answered "Thank you, and now  I  know  why  you  call  your
company Microsoft."
%
A guy from Montana was bragging how large his cattle ranch was,
saying, "It takes all day to ride out to the west fence, two days to
reach the south fence, another day to get to his east fence, and two
more days to get home."
   The Texan said, "Yeah, I had a horse like that once."
%
"Tell me,"said the personnel director of a large corporation "are you
an honest attorney?"
"Honest?" the lawyer replied.  "Let me tell you something. My father 
lent me ten thousand dollars for my education, and I paid him back in 
full after my first case."
"I'm impressed," he said. "And what case was that?"
The attorney squirmed slightly. "he sued me for the money."
%
Portsmouth, R.I.  Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of
vending machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police
inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine
and (2) later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.
%
On a train to a large computer convention there were a bunch of
computer programmers and a bunch of computer engineers.   Each of
the programmers had a train ticket.  The group of engineers had
only ONE ticket for all of them.  The programmers started
laughing, figuring the engineers were going to get caught and
thrown off the train.

When one of the engineers, the lookout, said "here comes the
conductor", all of the engineers went into the bathroom.  The
programmers were puzzled.

The conductor came aboard, said "tickets please" and got tickets
from all the computer programmers.  He then went to the bathroom
and knocked on the door and said "ticket please".  The engineers
stuck the ticket under the door.  The conductor took it and moved
on.   A few minutes later the engineers came out of the bathroom.
The computer programmers felt really stupid.

On the way back from the convention, the group of programmers
decided that they would try that method, too.  They bought one
ticket for the whole group.  They met up with the engineers in the
same car.

Again, the programmers started snickering at the engineers.  This
time NONE of the engineers had tickets.  When the lookout said
"Conductor coming!",  all the engineers went to one bathroom and
all the computer programmers went to the other bathroom.

Before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left
their bathroom, knocked on the programmers bathroom, and said
"ticket please."
%
There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
any worse.
%
A type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal.  For a
week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the
staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the
food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical bigshot.
   One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying, "Time to take
your temperature, sir."
   After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally
opened his mouth for the thermometer. 
   "Sorry, sir," said the nurse, "but for this test we need your
temperature from the other end." 
   After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy
finally rolled over and bared his butt.
   After the nurse finished, she said, "Stay exactly like that and don't
move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you." 
   The nurse left, leaving the door ajar. The guy's back is to the
door, and for over a quarter of an hour, he hears people wandering up
and down the hall, sniggering and chortling.
   At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his
bare ass in the air and gawked. Finally, he asks, "What's going on
here?" 
   The guy barks, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their
temperature taken?" 
   "Not with a petunia." 
%
* warning: sadistic

Attorney : "You drove one of your passengers to a secluded spot,
strangled him, dismembered his body. What have you to say?"

Defendant : "Who's going to pay the taxi fare?
%
A city slicker asks the farmer, "You been living on this one farm all
your life?"

Farmer drawls, "Not yet."
%
Our paper carried the notice last week that Mr Herman 
Jones is a defective in the police force. This was a 
typograhical error. Mr Jones, of course, is a detective
on the police farce.
             ---- The Ootlewah Times (Tennessee)
%
A young man was pulled over by the Louisiana state police for speeding. 
The officer stepped out his patrol car, pulled up his gun holster,
adjusted his mirror sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's
window.

What chew driving so fast for boy?  You going to a fire?  Let me see ya
license boy.  The young man handed over his license.  

Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the young man's car was
full of big knives.  The officer said, " Tell me boy, why you got them
knives on that there back seat?"   The young man replied, "Well Sir, I'm
a juggler."  The officer spit some tobacco juice out the side of his
mouth and then he said, " A juggler; well you don't say."  Boy put cha
hands on the trunk of your car;  you going to jail.

The young man pleaded to the officer not to take him to jail.  The young
man offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of a
demonstration.  The young man said, " You can even hold me at gun point
while I juggle for you."  The officer reluctantly allowed the young man
to prove his point while he held him at gun point.

Two miles down the road a Joe's Tavern, Jim Billy James drinking it up
with his favorite drinking buddy Homer T. Ratcliff.  Jim Billy was
heading out the door to go home to his wife.  He slumbered to his rusty
old 1976 Ford truck and crawled in.

Jim Billy was driving down highway 442, and trying his best to stay on
his side of the road.  Then all of a sudden Jim Billy saw the most
unbelievable sight of his life.  Jim Billy tried his best to keep that
pickup on the road.  Later down the road, Jim Billy stopped at the first
pay phone he saw.

He dialed the number to Joe's Tavern and asked for Homer T. Ratcliff. 
When Homer picked up the phone Jim Billy said, " Homer what ever you do
when you leave that there tavern, don't go north on highway 442.  The
state police is giving a sobriety test that can't nobody pass."
%
Police officer Michael Fenwick was scheduled for all-night duty at the
8th District station. He was relieved of duty early, and arrived home
four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 a.m. Not wanting to wake his
lucisous wife Camille, he undressed in the dark, creeped into the
bedroom and started to climb into bed.  Camille sleepily sat up and
said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store
next block and get me some extra strength Tylenol; I've got a
splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he
crawled back into his uniform and ran out of the house to the drug
store. As he arrived,the pharmicist looked up in surprise. "Say," said
the druggist, "aren't you officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said Fenwick.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the fire chief's 
uniform?"
%
Having just returned from an extended business trip, Harvey lay down
to go to sleep next to his voluptuous wife, Mimi. Mimi was dreaming
about her lover, Jacques.  Suddenly, in her dream, she imagined she
heard a familiar step outside her bedroom door. She screamed aloud in
her sleep, "Get out, quickly, my husband's coming!" With that, Harvey
leaped out of bed and bounded into the closet.
%
Two hunters paid a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk
hunting, where they bagged six nice bucks. The pilot came back as
arranged to pick them up. When they started loading their gear into the
plane, including the six elk, the pilot objected, saying, "I told you
before, the plane can only take out four of your elk. You gotta leave
two behind."
   They argued, telling him that the year before they had shot six and
the pilot had put all of them aboard, and the plane was exactly like
this one. Against his better judgment, the pilot finally permitted the
hunters to put all six aboard.
   When they attempted to take off, the plane couldn't make it, crashing
in the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the
other, "You got any idea where we are?"
   "I think so," replied the other hunter. "Ain't this is the same place
we landed last year?"
%
     Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are
expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

     Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of
their last sins before they are made holy.

     "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a
penis?"

     "Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the
tip of one with the tip of my finger."

     "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass
on into heaven."

     The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away
and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."

     "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass
on into heaven."

     Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns
is trying to cut in front.

     "Well now, what's going on here?"  says St. Peter.

     "Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve
her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I
want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in it!"
%
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and
engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores
their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she
hears one of the men say the following;

"Emma come first.  Den I come.  Two asses, they come together.  I come
again.  Two asses, they come together again.  I come again and pee
twice.  Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola downa lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa
to spella Mississippi."
%
A young lady and an old one sit on a bench waiting for the bus. The
young lady smokes a cigarette. The rain starts suddenly. The young
woman looks into her purse, and gets a condom out of it! She opens the
little envelope and wraps the cigarette into the condom to keep it out
of the rain. The old lady looks very puzzled, and thinks that she
never saw such a thing, but she also thinks it's a very useful thing
and she should buy one also.

So the old lady goes to a drugstore and tells the vendor:

- Can I have some of those, please?
- Condoms?!  Aaaaaaaa, hm, sure... Which size?
- Well, just the size of a camel
%
There's a guy with a Doberman pincher and a guy with a chihuahua. The guy 
with the Doberman pincher says to the guy with a chihuahua, "Let's go 
over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the 
chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman pincher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk 
over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman pincher puts on a pair 
of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, 
"Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman pincher says, "You don't understand. This is my 
seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman pincher?" He says, 
"Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door 
says, "Come on in."

The guy with the chihuahua figures, "What the hell," so he puts on a pair 
of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, 
pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the chihuahua says, "You don't 
understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A 
chihuahua?" He says, "You mean they gave me a chihuahua?"
%
A blind guy stops at an intersection with his guide-dog. The sign
lights to cross, but instead of helping his owner to cross, the  dog
cocks his leg an pees on the man's pants. The blind guy reaches in his
pocket and gives the dog a cookie. 
   A fellow next to them observes this and tells the blind guy, "Hey,
that dog just pissed on your leg. If it was my dog, I'd kick his
ass!"     
   Blind guy says, "I'm working on it. But first I gotta find his
head!"
%
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all
over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell
you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for
their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went
to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and
returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said
to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths
for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
%
* warning: brutal

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys?  We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper.  Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George.  Say George, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes.  That's a group of blind fire fighters.  They lost
their sight while saving our club house last year.  So we let them
play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That's so sad.  I think I will say a special prayer for them
tonight.

Doctor: Good idea.  And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy
and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer:  Why can't these guys play at night?
%
Be sociable.
Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
%
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
Buy the negatives at any price.
%
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.  After a few minutes the
disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what
causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized.

"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.  How long have
you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope
does."
%
           The Evolution of a Programmer 
           ----------------------------- 
 
 
 High School/Jr.High 
 =================== 
 
      10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD" 
      20 END 
 
 First year in College 
 ===================== 
      program Hello(input, output) 
      begin 
       writeln('Hello World') 
      end. 
 
 Senior year in College 
 ====================== 
      (defun hello 
      (print 
      (cons 'Hello (list 'World)))) 
 
 New professional 
 ================ 
      #include <stdio.h> 
      void main(void) 
      { 
        char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"}; 
        int i; 

        for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i) 
          printf("%s", message[i]); 
        printf("\n"); 
      } 
 
 Seasoned professional 
 ===================== 
      #include <iostream.h> 
      #include <string.h> 

      class string 
      { 
      private: 
        int size; 
        char *ptr; 

      public: 
        string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {} 

        string(const string &s) : size(s.size) 
        { 
          ptr = new char[size + 1]; 
          strcpy(ptr, s.ptr); 
        } 

        ~string() 
        { 
          delete [] ptr; 
        } 

        friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &); 
        string &operator=(const char *); 
      }; 

      ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s) 
      { 
        return(stream << s.ptr); 
      } 

      string &string::operator=(const char *chrs) 
      { 
        if (this != &chrs) 
        { 
          delete [] ptr; 
          size = strlen(chrs); 
          ptr = new char[size + 1]; 
          strcpy(ptr, chrs); 
        } 
        return(*this); 
      } 

      int main() 
      { 
        string str; 

        str = "Hello World"; 
        cout << str << endl; 

        return(0); 
      } 
 
 
 Apprentice Hacker 
 =================== 
      #!/usr/local/bin/perl 
      $msg="Hello, world.\n"; 
      if ($#ARGV >= 0) { 
        while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) { 
          $outfilename = $arg; 
          open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || die "Can't write $arg:$!\n"; 
      
          print (FILE $msg); 
          close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg: $!\n"; 
        } 
      } else { 
        print ($msg); 
      } 
      1; 
 
 Experienced Hacker 
 =================== 
      #include <stdio.h> 
      #define S "Hello, World\n" 
      main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);} 
 
 Seasoned Hacker 
 =================== 
      $ cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c 
      $ a.out 
 
 Guru Hacker 
 =================== 
      $ cat 
      Hello, world. 
      ^D 
 
 New Manager 
 =================== 
      10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD" 
      20 END 
 
 Middle Manager 
 =================== 
      mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12 
      Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello, 
      world."? 
      I need it by tomorrow. 
      ^D 
 
 Senior MAnager 
 =================== 
      $ zmail brian 
      I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon. 
 
 Chief Executive 
 =================== 
      $ letter 
      letter: Command not found. 
      $ mail 
      To: ^X ^F ^C 
      $ help mail 
      help: Command not found. 
      $ damn! 
      !: Event unrecognized 
      $ logout 
%
A burglar breaks into a house and as he is prowling around in
the dark a voice says "Jesus is watching you!".  Thinking the game
is up he turns the light on but there is no one there except for a
Parrot in a cage which after a pause says "Jesus is watching you!".~

The relieved felon walks over to the Parrots cage and says "you're a
lovely bird, whats your name?", "Griswold" replied the parrot,
"That's a silly name for a parrot" the burglar exclaimed "Yes" said
the parrot "and Jesus is a silly name for a Dobermann too!"
%
* warning: sadistic

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
%
Two rabbits escape from a lab.  They run as far away as they can and
by some miracle find themselves in field full of carrots -- rabbit
heaven they think and tuck in.  They eat themselves silly and then
rather handly find a comfortable burrow close by and settle down for a
snooze.

Many hours later they wake up and rubbing their bleary eyes wander
outside to see a load of rabbits gambling about in the field.  More
Rabbit heaven they think as they begin to indulge in that favorite
rabbit pass-time (of sex).  After a number of long heavy sessions they
again settle down in the burrow.  Where they get chatting.

Finally one rabbit remarks, "You know what I really want to go back to
the lab."

"What!  We have all we want here -- why would you want to go back
there?"

"Well it's true that we've had all the sex and food that we could wish
for but you know what I'm just dying for a smoke."
%
* warning: touches religious issues

A catholic priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment
on a train.  After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying
"I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat
pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?  

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth.  Yes, I have, on the odd
occasion."  Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation.  He asked,
"Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate.  But...."

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask.  I have
succumbed once or twice."  There was silence for a while.  Then the
Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better
than pork, isn't it?"
%
A couple is driving down the highway when a cop pulls them over.  The
cop walks up and says, "You were doing eighty-five in a fifty-five."

The guy says, "You know, officer, I was doing sixty the whole time,
and then the last few minutes, I guess I was just keeping up with
traffic and I wasn't watching..."

His wife says, "That's not true.  You were doing eighty-five or ninety
the whole time."

He turns to her and says, "Will you shut the hell up?"

The cop says, "And I notice you haven't got your seatbelt buckled."

He says, "Well, officer, I did have it buckled, but then I had to undo
it to get my wallet out to show you my license."

His wife says, "That's not true.  You haven't had it on the whole
time."

He turns to her and says, "What the hell is wrong with you?  Shut your
trap."

The cop walks around to the wife's side and motions for her to roll
down the window.  He says, "Does he always talk to you like that?"

She says, "Only when he's drunk."
%
* warning: Clinton involved

The President gets into his helicopter with a pig under each arm.

"Nice pigs, sir!" says the marine on duty.

"These aren't just pigs," says the President. "These are prize-winning
Arkansas Razorbacks! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."

"Good work, sir!" says the marine. "Excellent trade!"
%
Hiroshima 45 - Tschernobyl 86 - Windows 95
%
A cannibal and his son are hiding behind some bushes, waiting for
some food to stroll by. 
   After a few minutes, a skinny guy comes along. The son says,"How 
about him, dad?"  
   "Naw," says the father, "too skinny." 
   A while later a fat guy wanders by. "What about that guy, dad?" asks
the son.  
   "Naw, too much cholesterol."
   A little later, a foxy chick wriggles by. The son asks, "How about
her, Dad?"  
   "Absolutely. Let's take her  home and eat your mother!" 
%
Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a cave. One of the bats
feels rather hungry. "Let's go and find some blood", he suggests.
     
"I don't think you can get any blood this time of the day", says the
other bat.
     
"Well, I want some blood and I want it now!", says the first bat and
prepares to take off. "Are you coming or what?"
     
"Don't be stupid, you'll just waste your time", says the second bat.
     
So the first bat flies anyway. After a few minutes he is back with blood
smeared all over his face.
     
"Where did you manage to find blood this time of the day?", asks the
second bat.
     
"Well, do you see that tree out there?", says the first bat and points
at a tree outside the cave, "Do you see that tree?"
     
"Yes", says the second bat, "of course I see it".
     
"Well, I didn't", replies the first.
%
An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen.  He was amazed to find that
over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
let it spill out).  The American said with a nervous laugh,
        "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
do you, Professor Bohr?  After all, as a scientist --"
Bohr chuckled.
        "I believe no such thing, my good friend.  Not at all.  I am
scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense.  However, I am told
that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
%
This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache all over.  Everywhere
I touch it hurts."

The doctor says, "OK.  Touch your elbow."

The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.  The doctor,
surprised, says "Touch your head."

The guy touches his head and jumps in agony.  The doctor asks him to
touch his knee and the same thing happens.  Everywhere the guy touches
he hurts like hell.  The doctor is stumped and orders a complete
examination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two
days.

Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor says "We've found your
problem."

"Oh yeah? What is it?"

"You've broken your finger!"
%
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to
a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon."

He knocked.

The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.

"Could ye spare some victuals?"

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she shouted.

"Could I at least use your privvy?"

"No!" she shouted again.

The vagabond said, "Might I please ...?"

"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
%
Two old guys fishing in a boat on Lake Pontchartrain.  A bottle
comes floating by in the current.  One old codger scoops it up, sees
a cork in the top, and yanks it out.  Genie pops out in a puff of
smoke and says, "You get one wish between the two of yas--make it a
good one."  The old man in the front of the boat yells back to his
fishing buddy. "Lemme handle this--I know just what to ask for!"

He looks at the genie and says, "We want the whole lake to be turned
into ice cold beer!"  The genie nods and says, "You got it, boys!"
And instantaneously, the whole lake is beer!

The old man in the back of the boat throws a life preserver, smacks
his buddy up-side the head, and yells out, "You dumb dipshit!  Why in
the hell did you do that?"

""Whadaya talking about?" the other fisherman answers.  "I thought
you'd like a lake-full of beer.  What's the problem?"

"The problem is now we gotta pee in the boat!!!!"
%
This past fall semester, at Yale University, there were two sophomores
who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of
the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the
final, they had a solid A.  These two friends were so confident going
into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the
Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to Harvard and party
with some friends up there.  So they did this and had a great time.

     However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all
day Sunday and didn't make it back to New Haven until early Monday
morning.  Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find
the professor after the final and explain to him why they missed the
final.  They told him that they went up to Cambridge for the weekend,
and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a
flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get
help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.  The
prof thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the
final on the following day.  The two guys were elated and relieved.
So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that
the prof had told them.  He placed them in separate rooms and handed
each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

     They looked at the first problem, which was something simple
about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they
thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then
turned the page.

     They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

     It said: '(95 points) Which tire?
%
                        Pittsburgh Driver's Test

8:      Pedestrians are

        (a) irrelevant.
        (b) communists.
        (c) a nuisance.
        (d) difficult to clean off the front grille.

The correct answer is (a).  Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
%
 A computer engineer was found dead (starved) in his shower. The only
clue was the shampoo container that reads:

        Instructions:
                -Apply shampoo
                -Rinse
                -Repeat
%
   Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body. 
   One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer.  Just look at all the joints.''
   Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer.  The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections.''
   The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer.  Who else would run
a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''
%
Lawyer says to client: "I've got good news and bad news.  
Client says, "Gimme the good news first."  
"Okay, your wife found a picture worth $100,000." 
Clients says, "That's great, what's the bad news?" 
Lawyer says, "It's of you and your girlfriend."
%
Four surgeons were taking a coffe break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to opperate on. You
open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You
open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and
everything inside is color-coded.

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless
spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangable."
%
You know you are addicted to the Internet when...

 You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications
Decency Act.

 You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

 Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

 Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

 You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

 You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and
 no phone lines.

 You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a
 cellular modem and a laptop.

 You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your  lap...
 and your child in the overhead compartment.

 All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster
 connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

 And even your night dreams are in HTML.

 You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using
 a word processor.com

 You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like
 you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

 You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

 You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

 Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a
 new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never
 had heart problems before.

 You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved
 and you don't have a clue when it happened.

 You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear
 if new e-mail arrives.

 Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of
 what she looks like.

 All of your friends have an @ in their names.

 When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all
 of them are already highlighted in purple.

 Your dog has its own home page.

 You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway
 through Lycos. or  C ontinue?

 You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

 You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no
 idea where your children are.

 You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it
 again.

 You refer to your age as 3.x.

 You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and
 even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

 Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

 Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on
 your favorite IRC channel.

 You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

 You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends,
 because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

 You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

 You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.

 Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

 You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check
 your e-mail on the way back to bed.

 You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
 landscape.

 You tell the cab driver you live at
 http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

 You actually try that 123.elm.street address.

 You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's
 got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

 Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your
 IRC channel.

 Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

 You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines
 useless.

 You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape
 2.01or higher."

 You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
 ISP...because you never log off.

 The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

 You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in
 front of your computer with a toilet.

 You forget what year it is.
 You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

 You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.

 Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you
 buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of
 you can chat.

 As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road,
 your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
%
Politically correct humor:

There's a homosexual, a bisexual and a lesbian sitting in a bar having a 
quiet drink....nothing wrong with that.
%
A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked
behind his ear.  He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the day's
activities, where a coworker asks why he has a rectal thermometer behind
his ear.  In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and
exclaims, "Damn!  Some patient has got my pen!"
%
Real Headlines:
  Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
  Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
  Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
  Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
  Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
  Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
  Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
  Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
  Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
  Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
  New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
  Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
  Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
  Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
  Include your Children when Baking Cookies
%
At a resort, a guy walks up to an older fellow who is sitting in the 
sun, sipping iced tea. 
   Young guy says, "Hey, how about a round of golf." 
   "Nah," the older fellow replies, "tried it once, didn't like it." 
   "Well, how about a swim? It'll be more refreshing that your iced tea 
there." 
   "Nah," the older fellow responds, "tried it once, didn't like it."
   "Young guy says, "Well, how about a game of tennis?"
   "Naw, tried it once and didn't like it. But my son will be here soon. 
He's usually up for a game or two." 
   Young guy replies, "Your only child I presume?" 
%
Guide to windows 95

Multitasking

    You can crash several programs all at once. No waiting !

Built-in Networking

    You can crash several PC's all at once.
    No need to buy Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash.

Microsoft Network

    Connect with other Windows 95 users and talk about your
    crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will
    be organized.

PnP

    Plug and Pray (that it works)

Multimedia

    Experience the immense sight and sound of crashing.

Compatible with existing software

    It will also crash your existing software.

Increased Productivity

    You will need to *increase* your budget to buy more *products*
    like RAM and HardDrives. Better yet, get a new computer !
    That's product-ivity.

User-Friendly

    Picture of clouds

State of the Art

    Pay for Bill's next bid for a work of art.

MacIntosh-like

    It took Microsoft eleven years and it's not even original.

Online Registration

    Dial into Microsoft and let them snoop around your harddrive.
    This will guarantee you a place in Microsoft's files for the
    rest of your life.

MS Plus

    More money for Bill's plus side.

Optimize

    It will increase the utilization of your hard drive and cpu
    so much so that you'll end up upgrading your system.
    See "Increased Productivity".
%
A salesman Joe came earlier than expected home and told his wife that
he wants to take a nice bath and a nice cool beer, so if anyone calls
she shoud say he is not home.

After a while the phone rang and Joe heard his wife say:
"Unfortunately he is home!"

Joe:"I forbade you to tell I am home!"

Wife:"Do not worry -- the call was for me!"
%
A guy walks into a bar and orders a double shot of bourbon.  He downs
it then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a picture.  He stares at
the picture for a moment then puts it away and orders another double.
After downing that drink, he proceeds to pull out the picture and
examine it before putting it away and ordering another double.  This
goes on for about

4 rounds of drinks before the bartender asks him whats going on.
"Well," the guy says, "This is a picture of my wife, and when she
starts to look good, I'm going home."
%
* Warning: offensive (sex)

-Have you ever had sex in three?
-No.  Why?
-If you run quickly home, you still have a chance to.
%
Q: What is an experienced Emacs user?
A: A person who wishes that the terminal had pedals.
%
These two guys are in the wild west of the US about 150 years ago.
They walk into a bar and they see a sign which says "WE PAY $100 FOR
INDIAN SCALPS".  So Charles turns to Edgar and says "hey look that's
easy money old chap, let us find us some natives."  So the two of them
go out, find two indians, scalp them and duly get their their $100.

That night they sleep in a tent on the edge of town.  The next morning
Charles wakes up and sticks his head out of the tent and he sees
20,000 indians standing in a circle around them.  He quickly gets back
into the tent and shouts excitedly: "Edgar, we're rich we're rich!"
%
Collected from medical interview records.

-Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid
-The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
-She stated trhat she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989
when she got a divorce.
-Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
-The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran
out of gas and crashed.
-I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
-Bleeding started in trhe rectal area and continued all the way to Los
Angeles.
-Both breast are equal and reactive to light and accomodation.
-Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like
to work her up.
-Exam of genetalia reveals that he is circus sized.
-She is numb from her toes down.
-Exam off genetalia was completely negitive except for the right foot.
-While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
-The skin was moist and dry.
-The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
-Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
-Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
-Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in
no distress.
-Patient was alert and unresponsive. 
%
Intel recently revealed a new supercomputer, which can use up to 9,000 Pentium
Pro CPU's working in parallel.  It's been benchmarked at 1.4 teraflops, and
it is the fastest computer in the world today.

Rumor has it that it boots Windows '95 in less than a minute.
%
* I will discontinue sending jokes during the holiday.  I wish everybody
* happy holidays!  Merry Christmas!

So this snail was crawling across the driveway, when it was run over
by a turtle.  There was a big ruckus over the accident, with the police
eventually being involved.  

The investigating officer said to the snail, "OK....can you tell us what
happened?"

The snail replied, "Well, officer .....I dunno....it all happened so
fast....."
%
	Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
rational functions needed to represent the integrand.  Although the
algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate
structure of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization,
we cannot claim that the algorithm is a natural one.  In fact, the
creator of differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early
1950's, largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his
work.  Probably he would have received more attention had he obtained
the algorithm as well.
		-- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J.F. Traub
%
* A bit offensive, maybe

 A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.  He orders a drink and
while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs
some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table,
grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey
just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool
table, whole!", says the bartender.  "Yeah, that doesn't surprise
me," replied the patron.  He eats everything in sight, the little
bastard.  I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."  He finishes his
drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with
him.  He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the
bar again.  While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds
a maraschino cherry on the bar.  He grabs it, sticks it up his ass,
pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.  "Did you see what your monkey did
now?", he asks. "Now what?", responds the patron.  "Well, he stuck
a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!"
says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron.  "He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball
he measures everything first!"
%
We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
Manual.
		-- Andrew Hume
%
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time
to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for
his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him
down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina,
snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head,
and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll
blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak
Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and
translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in
Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the
cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare
shoot me.'"
%
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you  
%
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill.  Check 3
friends.  If they're OK, you're it.
%
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 
%
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. 
%
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where
you live.
%
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
%
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says: "We have a
drink named after you."

The grasshopper replies: "You have a drink named Bill?"
%
* WARNING: Very offensive; read at your own risk!

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.
%
A Boston woman, unable to bear the indifference of her baseball-crazy
husband any longer, yelled at him:

"You love the Red Sox more than you love me!"

He turned around and replied "I love the Yankees more than I love
you!"
%
* Potentially offensive.

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. 
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his 
poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his 
migraines and STILL no improvement. 

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm 
going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, 
but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a 
migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. 
Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, 
especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of 
the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, 
I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is 
immediately gone.  Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six 
weeks." 

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took 
your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 
years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," 
says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." 

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."
%
Chemicals, n.:
        Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
%
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "where's the bartender?"
%
- Darling, tell me, is that true, that sheep are stupid?
- Yes, they are, my little lamb
%
A panda sauntered into the saloon, sat down at the bar and told the
bartender "Give me a sandwich and a beer."

The bartender had seen many strange characters out west, and knew it
was important to keep his cool, so he replied, "Sure, stranger," and
slapped a ham sandwich and a cold one in front of the bear.

The panda chomped on the sandwich and gulped down the beer.  He then
deftly pulled his six-shooter, aimed at a whiskey bottle behind the
counter, and pulled the trigger. The bottle exploded into glass pieces
and shattered onto the floor.  The bartender was dumfounded as he
watched the bear return his gun to his holster and walk out the front
door.

"Hey, what the hell is going on?" shouted the bartender as he ran
after the bear. The panda stopped and said, "what did you want??

"Well, I sure didn't expect you to shoot up the bar. Besides, you
still owe me for lunch."

"I'm a PANDA. Look it up." replied the bear and went on his way.

The bartender was too upset and nervous to rile such an unpredictable
sort, so he picked up his unabridged dictionary from the shelf, and
found the entry for "panda."

"Damn!!!" he muttered. He realized that there was nothing he could do
about it.  There it was, in black and white, written by an authority
no less than Noah Webster himself:
 
  pan-da -- n. A large bear-like member of the
  Raccoon family native to the mountains of China and
  Tibet, with distinctive white and black markings.
  Eats shoots and leaves."
%
It was his first time at skydiving class, and the young man was
thrilled.

"What you have to do," said the instructor, "is jump, count to ten,
then pull the ripcord."

The young man was so excited that he really wasn't paying too close
attention.  He turned to the instructor and said, " P-p-p-p-pardon
m-m-m-me, wh-wh-wh-wh-what w-w-w-was th-th-th-th-that n-n-n-n-number
ag-ag-agin?"

"Two" the instructor replied.
%
     Conducting a study of sexual behaviour, a researcher stops an
airline pilot. "Can you tell me when you last made love?" she asks.
"Nineteen fifty-nine," he answers. Having heard a lot about the reputation
of airline pilots, the researcher is taken aback.
     "That's an awfully long time!" she says. 
     "I suppose," says the pilot, glancing at his watch. "But it's only
twenty-one fifteen now."
%
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
%
Father Pat and Father Mike were riding down the highway with Father
Pat at the wheel.  Father Pat had the pedal to the metal when suddenly
a rabbit jumped up onto the highway right in front of the car.

Though he did everything he could to miss the little bunny, including
throwing the car into a spinning locked brakes slide (and almost
tipping the car over with this maneuver), it was to no avail; the
bunny bought the big one. Both priests jumped out of the car, ran back
to the rabbit to see if there was anything that could be done, but
alas, it appeared that the rabbit was gone.

Never wanting to give up so long as there was a ghost of a chance,
Father Pat pulled a bottle out of his pocket and, making the sign of
the cross, sprinkled a few drops of liquid on the still body of the
rabbit.  Instantly it jumped up and started waving its little front
paws like crazy.

Father Mike looked at Father Pat and said, "It is a miracle!" The
rabbit stood there and continued to wave at them. Since it appeared
that nothing else was needed, the two priests returned to the car and
Father Pat continued down the road. Father Mike kept looking out the
back window and for as long as he could see the rabbit, it was still
standing there, waving at them.

When the rabbit was out of sight, Father Mike sat back and considered
the sequence of events. Finally his curiousity got the best of him and
he said, "Father Pat, just exactly what was in that bottle?"

In response, Father Pat pulled the bottle out of his pocket once more
and handed it to Father Mike, who read the label: "Hair Restorer with
Permanent Wave!"
%
An immigrant from Czechoslovakia went to an optometrist for an eye
checkup.

The doctor started with some simple testing, showing him a standard
eye chart with the letters: CRKBNWXSKZY

The doc then asked, "Can you read that?"

The Czech then answered, "Read it? Hell, Doc, I know him!"
%
Ten year old Stevie had been blind since birth. One night his mother came
into his bedroom before he went to sleep and told him that he must pray
very, very hard because tomorrow was a special day and he would get a
wonderful surprise.

So Stevie fell asleep praying with confidence that he would be able to see
the next day. His mother awoke Stevie early and told him to open his eyes,
as this was that special day she had promised him. Stevie tried, but then
cried out, "Mommie, Mommie, I still can't see!". "I know dear," she said,
"Today is April Fool's."
%
Last night an airliner crashed into a cemetary about 40 miles outside 
of Warsaw. So far, rescue workers have recovered over 4000 bodies.
%
The doctor was explaining to Paddy how nature adjusted some physical
disabilities. "For example, if a man is blind he develops a keen sense
of hearing and touch. If he is stone deaf, then he develops his other
senses....."

"Oi know what you mean," said Paddy. "Oive noticed that if a bloke has
one short leg, then the other one is always a bit longer."
%
  A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if
he could buy him a drink.
  "Why of course", comes the reply.
  The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
  "I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.
  The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too!
Let's have another round to Ireland."
  "Of Course", replies the second man.
  Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
  "Dublin", comes the reply.
  "I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too!
Let's have another drink to Dublin."
  "Of course", replies the second man.
  Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did
you go to?"
  "Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
  "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint
Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
  About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the
bar.
  "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.
  "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are
drunk again."
%
A man once counselled his son that if he wanted to live a long life,
the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every
morning.  The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grand-children, 35 great-grand
children, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
%
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my
secretary has left.  Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive.   He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine.  "I just need one copy."
%
* warning: Rather politically incorrect

A handicapped Vietnam Veteran is limping down the street dragging his
right foot along behind him. He looks up and sees another guy about his
age walking toward him. This guy is also dragging his right foot along
behind him. Another disabled Joe! The 'Nam Vet walks up to shake his
hand,grabs him by the hand and says "Mekong Delta-1969." The other guy
looks him square in the face and says: "Dog Shit-five minutes ago."
%
* warning: somewhat offensive (religious and ethnic).

Three guys are in a quiet bar.  Bartender is bored so he offers free
drinks to the one who best describes Easter.
 
 The Polish guy says, "Easter is when a big fat guy in a red suit
comes down the chimney and leaves presents for everone."

"No", says the bartender, "that is Christmas".

The German says, "Easter is when the family gets together and eats
turkey and pumpkin pie and everyone is thankful for everything". 
 "No, that is Thanksgiving", says the bartender. 

The Norwegian says, "Easter is about a real good guy that is put on a
cross and dies.  He is taken off and put in a cave and a big stone is
put in front to seal it".

  "I don't believe it, the norwegian is telling the best description
of Easter," says the barkeeper.  Then the Norwegian continues,  "Three
days later, the rock  rolls away and lo and behold, he walks out.  

Then he sees his shadow and you have 6 more weeks of winter."
%
Eastern Airlines recently introduced a special half fare for wives who
accompanied their husbands on business trips.  Expecting valuable
testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of
businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed
their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
%
"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set
the man's broken leg.  "Well, doc, 25 years ago, ..." the man started.

"Never mind the past.  Tell me how you broke your leg this morning," the
doctor replied.  The man began again, "Like I was saying, 25 years ago,
when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd
gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room.  She
asked me if there was anything I wanted.  I said, 'No, everything is
fine.'  'Are you sure?' she asked.  I told her I was sure.  'Isn't there
anything I can do for you?' she wanted to know.  'I reckon not,' I
replied."

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "but what does this story have to do with
your leg?"  The farmhand explained, "Well, this morning, when it finally
dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
%
"Doctor, I think I need a pair of spectacles". 
"I think so to, madame. At this moment your are standing in a bar!"
%
John:"Doctor, are carrots healthy?"
Doctor:"I suppose they are.  Never seen one at my consulting hour!"
%
A married woman is having an affair.  Whenever her lover comes over,
she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet.  One day the woman hears
a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man
replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist
continues. "OK.  How much?" the man replies after considering the
position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to
protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she
hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet
with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts
off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK.  How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his
disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is
completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son.  Go get your
ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't.  I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear
the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!  That's thievery!  I'm taking you to the
church right now.  You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,"
the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the
curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in here now," the priest says.
%
* Warning: not very correct politically

A man and a woman are alone (together)  in an elevator going to the
top of a very tall building. As they almost reach the very top, the
elevator cable snaps! 

While plunging to their death, the woman faces the man, takes off her
glasses, lets down her long flowing hair,  and says:

"Before I die, I want you to make me feel like a woman".

The man then grabs his shirt, rips it off,  throws it on the ground,
points to it and says:

"Okay, iron that!"
%
In the 1970's, there was a time that very ofen planes would be
hijacked from Miami to Cuba.

In a flight from Miami to LA, a man armed with a gun comes into the
cockpit and says: "OK.  I'm hijacking this plane.  Take me to LA".

The pilot says: "Are you crazy?? this IS a flight to LA!".

The man answers: "You're telling me?  I've flown to LA three times
already and landed in Cuba.  So NOW you fly to LA!!!"
%
* Warning: politically incorrect

A Texas game warden came upon a coyote caught in a trap.  He returned to
his office and called the Oklahoma game warden and told him one of his
coyotes was caught in a trap.

"How do you know it's one of our coyotes?" asked the Oklahoma game
warden.

"Well," replied the Texas game warden,  "He's already chewed off three
of his legs and he's still trapped!"
%
        A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it is a real bad 
one. Both cars are totally demolished, but  amazingly  neither of the 
clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the 
priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I am a rabbi. Just take a 
look at our cars, there is nothing left and we are unhurt. This must be a 
sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends for 
the rest of our lives."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from 
God!"
The rabbi continues, "And look at this, yet another miracle, our cars are 
demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not even break. Surely 
God wants us to drink this bottle and celebrate our luck and new 
friendship" and he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees and 
takes a few big swigs and hands the bottle back to rabbi. The rabbi takes 
the bottle and immediately puts the cap on and hands it back to the 
priest. Surprised, the priest asks; "Aren't you having any?" Then the 
rabbi replies, "No....I think I'll wait for the police."
%
        A teacher was telling a friend about one of her students.  
"He cheats, he lies, he steals, he hits, and to make it even worse, 
he's the only kid in the class with a perfect attendance record!"
%
Harold wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling amorous, nudges his
wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have
an appointment at the gynocologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to
make love the night before." "Alright", he said, and he rolled back over
and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by
any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?" 
%
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.
%
Visiting the carnival midway, Doug noticed the fortune-teller's tent
and popped inside.  The room was done in a somber purples, with a dull
white glow coming from an ancient crystal ball.  An old gypsy woman
was bent over the orb, and she looked up when Doug entered.

"Hi," he said in response to her stony gaze. "I'd like my fortune
told."

Nodding the woman said gravely, "I will answer two of your questions
for one hundred dollars."

"One hundred dollars!" Doug balked. "Isn't that terribly expensive for
this kind of service?"

"Yes it is," she replied, "And what is your second question?"
%
A patrol car has been following this vehicle for about 30 minutes
now,when they finally decide to pull it over.  The officer steps
outand walks up to the driver's window.

- "Good afternoon sir"

- "Good afternoon, any problems ?"

- "No sir.  My partner and I have been following and observing you for
a half an hour now.  We ascertained that you have not committed one
single traffic violation, you have not gone over the speed limit by
even 1 mph, you were courteous towards the fellow drivers on the road.
Therefore, as a part of our new "solid driving awareness program" I
would like to present you with this check for $30,000.00."

 The driver lets out a big sigh of relief:

- "Oh good !  Now I can finally pay to get my driver's license.
(Ooops!)"  Awkward silence, then the wife sitting in the passenger
seat goes:

- "Don't listen to him, officer, he always talks nonsense when he has
been drinking." Grandma who's a little hard of hearing adds from the
backseat:

- "Aye aye aye, didn't I tell you not to go in a stolen car ? " 

At this time the trunk pops open and a head peeks out:

- "Are we over the border yet ?"
%
* Warning: needs C knowledge; sometimes offensive; 

For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very
little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
 
I have solved the mystery.
 
The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the
rest of it is comments.
 
Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as
follows:
 
===
/* HUMAN_DNA.H
 *
 * Human Genome
 * Version 2.1
 *
 * (C) God
 */
 
/* Revision history:
 *
 * 0000-00-01 00:00  1.0  Adam.
 * 0000-00-02 10:00  1.1  Eve.
 * 0000-00-03 02:11  1.2  Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
 *                        will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
 * 0017-03-12 03:14  1.3  Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
 *                        elephant-dna.c
 * 0145-10-03 16:33  1.4  Removed tail.
 * 1115-00-31 17:20  1.5  Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
 * 2091-08-20 13:56  1.6  Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
 * 2501-04-09 14:04  1.7  Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
 *                        darker to match my own image.
 * 2909-07-12 02:21  1.8  Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
 *                        Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
 * 4501-12-31 14:18  1.9  Increase average height.
 * 5533-02-12 17:09  2.0  Added gay option, triggered by high population
 *                        density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
 * 6004-11-04 16:11  2.1  Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
 *                        CD.
 */
 
/* Standard definitions
 */
 
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
 
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
 *
 * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
 * inheritance features.
 */
 
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
 
#infndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif
 
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
 */
#include <sex.h>
  
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
 * library sometime soon.
 */
struct genitals
   {
#ifdef MALE
   Penis *jt;
#endif
   /* G_spot *g;   Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
   Vagina *p;
#endif
   }
 
/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
 * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
 */
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
 
/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
 *
 * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
 * to display at birth.
 *
 * Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
 */
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
%
This guy was a determined hunter, and his buddyes bought him a hunting
dog.  One especialy for hunting water-birds.  After a week they all
meet and they ask him how's the dog doing.  To which he says: 
- Either this dog is VERY stupid, or I'm not throwing it high enough!
%
A nerd came home from spending Friday night in the library.  He decided 
to take a short cut, thru a dark alley.  There were 3 BIG, thugs with 
knives, baseball bats tried to rob him.  He fought them off viguously.  

After half hour, he finally exhausted, and gave up.  One of the thugs
took his wallet, and suprisingly found only one dollar in his wallet.

"You fought all of us for a lousy dollar !!!",  a thug asked suprisingly.

"No, I didn't know you just want the money in my wallet.  I thought
you were after $100 dollar bill in my sock", breathing heavily
%
Insert nail here  -[ ]-  if you want a new monitor
%
The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll 
show you this frog in my pocket."

He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken 
sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, 
"That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch."
%
A prude once accosted Samuel Johnson shortly after publication of his
monumental dictionary of the English language. She said, "Dr. Johnson, I
am distressed that your dictionary contains so many vulgar words."
  Johnson replied, "Madam, I am immeasurably distressed that you
actually looked them up."
%
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
%     
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
%     
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
%
A Ph.D. student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking across campus
when they find an antique oil lamp.  They rub it and a genie comes out
in a puff of smoke.

The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each
of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the Ph.D. student.  "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a beautiful woman at my side."

The genie nods, and Poof!  The student is gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc.  "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with a beautiful woman on one side and a Mai Tai
on the other."

Poof! The post-doc is gone.

"You're next," the genie says to the professor.

The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."
%
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
%     
"Wink, I'll do the rest!"
%     
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
%     
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
%     
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
%     
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
%     
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
%     
"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."
%
The chairman of the club committee announced at their meeting, "We're
looking for a treasurer."

"But we appointed a treasurer at the last meeting last year," pointed
out one member.

"Yes," confirmed the chairman, adding, "that's the treasurer we're
looking for."
%
"Brace yourself, Mr. Cassidy," the physician told the patient on whom
he had performed a battery of costly tests. "You have approximately
six months to live."

"But I don't have insurance, doctor," said Cassidy, "and I can't skimp 
and save enough to pay you in that time!"

"All right, all right," soothed the medical man. "Let's say nine months, 
then." 
%
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? 
His drill slipped. 
%
Warning: talks about sex

Two young men were friends and got married with their girlfriends
at about the same time, so they decided to go on a honeymoon
together all 4 of them.

They went to a hotel and asked for adjacent rooms.
At the wedding night they had quite wild sex, hearing each others
moans through the wall.

At the morning young husbands went to the balcony and talked
to each other.

'Where's your wife?'

'She's in the bed, smoking.'

'Smoking? Mine's only a bit sweaty...' 
%
A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets
ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in
a roiling sea. He loop-legs it through the door and is met by his wife,
who is scowling, figuring he's been out jumping new bones.
   "Where the hell you been all night?" she demands.
   "At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon.
Everything there is golden."
   "Bullshit! There's no such place!"
   Guy says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden
floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!"
   The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the ext day checks the
phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She
calls up the place to check her old man's story. "Is this the Golden
Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
   "Yes it is," bartender answers.
   "Do you have huge golden doors?"
   "Sure do."
   "Do you have golden floors?"
   "Most certainly do."
   "What about golden urinals?"
   There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your
saxophone last night!"
%
NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending to
Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a
one way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth. 
   The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he
wanted to be paid for going. 
   "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate
it all to my alma mater--Rice University." 
   The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the
same question.
   "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to
my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical
research." 
   The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted,
he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." 
   "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.  
   The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one
million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer." 
%
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking
up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction
and speed. Driving his partner nuts.
   Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so
long? Hit the goddamn ball!"
   The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot."
   "Well, hell, man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of
hitting her from here!"
%
Waiter:	"Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
	(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"
%
Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.

One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like.

Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, "Gee,
I hate my mother-in-law." The 2nd replies, "So, try the potatoes.
%
* Warning: politically incorrect:

        During World War II, a society lady who lived on Philadelphia's
exclusive Main Line decided to be charitable and support the war effort
by inviting three soldiers to Thanksgiving dinner.  She called the
nearby army base and was connected with a sergeant.  He heard the lady's
invitation and said he'd be glad to send three soldiers.  Then the lady
added, "Sergeant, I don't want any of them to be Jews."
        "I understand, Madame," said the sergeant.
        So on Thanksgiving, there stood on the doorstep of the fine Main
Line house three immaculately uniformed soldiers, all of them black.
"We're here for Thanksgiving, Madame," said one, politely.
        The lady was astonished.  "But, but....," she sputtered, "the
sergeant must have made a mistake."
        "Oh, no, Madame," said the soldier, "Sergeant Goldberg never
makes a mistake."
%
Eighty years after Little Big Horn, an East Coast journalist began
research on George Armstrong Custer.  A friend told him that an Indian
that lived through that experience was still living and furthermore
remembered EVERY event of his long life.

   The journalist visited Chief Big Eagle, who now lived in a small
town in Pennsylvania.  When he arrived and stated his purpose, the
Chief agreed to answer his questions.

   "On what day of the week did the event take place?" the reporter
asked.

   "Wednesday," replied the chief.

   "What was Custer wearing?" 

   "Black uniform.. ceremony sword.. old hat" 

   "What did Custer eat for breakfast?" 

   "Eggs" 

   The journalist was skeptical and figured anyone could make up these
answers.  He left, and never published his article. 

   Ten years later, the journalist was driving through the same small
town.  He decided to see if the old chief was still living. To his
surprise, the chief was.

   As the journalist walked in, he raised his hand in the air to the
chief and said, "How!" 

   The chief replied, "Over easy, potatoes on the side." 
%
Customer asks the cook, "Say, how do you prepare your chickens?"
   Cooks answers, "Nothing special. We just tell 'em they're gonna die."
%
Woman rushes into his house one morning and yells to her husband,
"Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!" 
   "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" 
   "Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!" 
%
Why do computer programmers often confuse Halloween and Christmass?

Because oct31 = dec25  :)
%
   Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers

Illiterate?  Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service.  Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Stock up and save.  Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it carefully by
hand.
%
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with
the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead
and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate
him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house
and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into
the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died
of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and
asks the guy,
   "Did you hear that Fluffy died?".
The guy stumbles around and says,
   "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?".
The neighbor replies,
   "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing
is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone
had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.
There must be some real sick people out there!"
%
	Classified adds:

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.  Zap
does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Used Cars:  Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale.  Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted:  Hair cutter.  Excellent growth potential.

Our bikinis are exciting.  They are simply the tops.

Wanted.  Widower with school age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties.  Must be capable of contributing to
growth of family.
%
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.  The individual who
answered said, "Bob is on vacation.  Would you like to hold?"
%
* Warning: lacking decency

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
-How the hell are you supposed to feed youself with that!?
%
* Warning: somewhat ethnic

English to Polish: So, what are you doing in the UK?
-Answer: I came to polish my english.
-But your english is polish enough.
%
An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found a guide with
a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would
make his collections.  At noon on the second day of travel up the
river they began to hear drums.

"What are those drums?" asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in
cannibal country.

The guide turned to him and said "No worry.  Drums OK, but very bad
when they stop."

They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped.  The
guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears.

"Do as I do!  Very important!"intoned the guide with great
urgency.

"Why?  What does this mean?" asked the panicked anthropologist.

"Drums stop!  Next come guitar solo!"
%
"Just the same," snapped Noah's wife as she boarded the ark,
"I'd feel much safer is those termites were locked up in a
tin box!"
%
	At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from
Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
%
"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire." 
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration." 
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas." 
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative
or negative." 
"For dog bite: Put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it." 
%

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
%

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
%
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice??

It said "concentrate."
%
I could tell that my parents hated me.  My bath toys were a toaster 
and a radio.
%
Bill rents a flat in Ponsonby.  When he goes to the foyer to put his
name on his letter box, an attractive young woman comes out of the
flat next to the letter boxes.  All she is wearing is a robe.
Bill smiles at the woman and she strikes up a conversation with him.
As they talk, her robe slips open and it is quite obvious that she
has nothing on under the robe.  Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat
trying to maintain eye contact.  After a few minutes, she places her
hand on his arm and says, "Let's go to my flat, I hear someone
coming."

He follows her into the flat and after she closes the door, she leans
against it allowing her robe to fall completely open.  She purrs at
him, "What would you say is my best feature?".

The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several
times and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!" She's
astounded!  "Why my ears?  Look at these boobs!  They are full, don't
sag, and they're all mine!  My butt - it's firm doesn't sag and has no
cellulite!  Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars!  Why in
heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?".

Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers - "Outside when you said
you heard someone coming - that was me!!!".
%
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.  I told him "If you don't
mind I'd like a second opinion".  He said "Alright, you're ugly too!"
%
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. 

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a
glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could
squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. 

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.)
but nobody could do it. 

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to
try the bet." 

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a
lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled
remains of the rind to the little man. 

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched
his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. 

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the
little man," what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a
weightlifter, or what?" 

The man replied, "I work for the IRS." 
%
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the 
local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames
and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. 
After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical
company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our 
secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the
plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company 
that brings them out safely!"

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen 
their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire,

the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine 
company that could bring out the company's secret files. 

From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck 
came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed 
entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire 
engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight 
into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen
watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight 
the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had 
extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would 
double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to
personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the 
old men individually the president asked the group
what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver 
looked him right in the eye and said, "The first
thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"
%
The traveling salesman's car broke down in the country and he knocked on
the farm house door..

When the farmer opened the door, the salesman said, "Sir, my car has
broken down and I was wondering if you might be able to put me up for
the night..."

The farmer said, "Why, sure, but you will have to sleep with my son."

The salesman hesitated then said, "Excuse me, Sir, but I think I'm in
the wrong joke..."
%
This was taken from MIT's Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991:

"Text is useless.  I use it to kill roaches in my room."

"Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."

"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."

"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame"

"Problems sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam
material."

"Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was,
where I was, and what I was doing--It's a great stress reliever."

"He is one of the best teachers I have had...He is well-organized,
presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject.  I hope
my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."

"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels.
They've got a cool nest in the tree."

"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."

"TA steadily improved throughout the course...I think he started
drinking and it really loosened him up."

"I never bought the text.  My $60 was better spent on the Led
Zeppelin tapes that I used while doing the problem sets"

"What's the quality of the text?  'Text is printed on high quality
paper.'

"The course was very thorough.  What wasn't covered in class
was  covered on the final exam."
%
When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy,
guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and
daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got
undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your
father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've
just told me."

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm
leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you."

"But why--" asked the startled father.

"Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy
came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got
into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you
did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."
%
* Warning: politically incorrect.

Q:  Why did they send the first woman into space?
A:  She was 100 pounds lighter than the electric dishwasher!
%
A man comes into an auto parts store.
"I'd like a mirror for my Skoda," he tells the clerk.
"Sounds like a fair swap to me..."
--
Why does the Skoda have a rear window defroster?  So that your hands
don't freeze when you're pushing it!  
%
A guy comes home to his apartment looking like he'd been chewed up by
a coyote and shit off a cliff. When his wife sees him, she asks, "What
on earth happened to you?"
   "I got into a fight with the apartment manager."
   "Whatever for?"
   "He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
   "Hmmm. I bet it's that snotty bitch on the third floor."
%
Q: How are men and parking lots alike?
A: The good ones are taken and the ones left are handicapped.

Q: Why do men like love at first sight?
A: It saves them alot of time.

Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A: Thirty-five kilogram.
%
Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print
the name Craney incorrectly.
		-- Jim Canrey
%
Or as Joan of Arc is rumored to have said, at the stake,"I'm smoking more
but enjoying it less."
%
"Doc, is it a boy?"
	'Well, the one in the middle is. Next.'
%
"Doc, am I going to die?"
	'That's the last thing you're going to do, Next'
%
"Doc, nobody ever listens to me."
	"Next"
%
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
	When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
	easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
	have handled this?"
%
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies
fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo.

The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming
through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under
the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through
the bedroom door.

"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.

"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to
receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.

"Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and
I'll be with you in two shakes."

Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where
he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.

"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.

"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in
to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.

"But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and
said, "The little bastards!"
%
"The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session
when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players
gaped, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

They stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran
right thru' the defensive line!

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted : "You're
terrific! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a
huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," the turkey said. "All I want to know is, does the
season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
%
Fighter : 'I really want a shot at the Kid, Kid Jackson. I know I'm
getting old and little punchy, but before I retire I just want one
chance in the ring with him."

Manager : "Look, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times.
You're Kid Jackson."
%
 "What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
 "Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at
home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
 "Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
 "No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get
in before nine A.M.?"
 "Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get
out."
%
Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
interface circuit details.  The two models, however, are not compatible
on the same communications line connection.
		-- Bell System Technical Reference
%
* Warning:  don't read if sensible!

Walking down the street with a hatbox under his arm, John was stopped
by a friend of his.  "John! What have you got there, a present for
your wife?" said the friend.
"No," John answered and opened the box. Inside was a woman's head
nestled inside a large straw hat with plastic flowers and a green and
pink hatband.
"Christ," the friend exclaimed, "that's horrible."
John said, "I'know, that is exactly what I told her when she said she
paid two hundred dollars for it."
%
Clay's conclusion:
	Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
%
clone, n:
	1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
	product."  2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
	is a clone of our product."
%
Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
	The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
	than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
	bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
%
An old couple were watching television one evening. 

The wife said "I am going to get a dish of ice cream". 

The husband said "I will get you some ice cream". 

"I'll write it down so you don't forget" she said. 

"I won't forget" he said.

"But I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it so I'll write it down" she said. 

"I will get you the ice cream don't you worry"he said. 

A few minutes later he returned with bacon and eggs and she said

"I should have written it down because you forgot the toast".
%
"It was terrible mother" complained the curvy teenager. "I had to
change my seat four times at the movies."
"Some man start bothering you?" asked the mother.
"Yes," said the girl. "Finally."
%
This is sent to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to
remind non-skiers why they do not ski.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer
for half an hour.  Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

9.  Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in
your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles.
Pretend you are looking for your car.

8.  For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes
and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

7.  Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

6.  Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger.  Be
sure to wait in he longest line.

5.  Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a
motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

4.  Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a
snowstormand you're following an 18 wheeler.

3.  Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray
blast your face.  You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a
snowmaker!

2.  Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take
them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

1.  Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.
%
One of the world's most brilliant salesmen managed to sell a fridge to
an Eskimo.

Some months later he called round to ask how the Eskimo was getting on
with his new purchase.

"It's OK," said the Eskimo.  "But I haven't quite got the knack of
chopping up the ice into little squares to fit the tray."
%
What they say:                  What they mean:

New                             Different colors from previous
				version.
All New                         Not compatible with previous version.
Exclusive                       Nobody else has documentation.
Unmatched                       Almost as good as the competition.
Design Simplicity               The company wouldn't give us any
				money.
Fool-proof Operation            All parameters are hard-coded.
Advanced Design                 Nobody really understands it.
Here At Last                    Didn't get it done on time.
Field Tested                    We don't have any simulators.
Years of Development            Finally got one to work.
Unprecedented Performance       Nothing ever ran this slow before.
Revolutionary                   Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
Futuristic                      Only runs on a next generation
				supercomputer.
No Maintenance                  Impossible to fix.
Performance Proven              Worked through Beta test.
Meets Tough Quality Standards   It compiles without errors.
Satisfaction Guaranteed         We'll send you another pack if it
				fails.
Stock Item                      We shipped it before and can do it
				again.
%
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are going
to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything
about you."

The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," said the psychic, "Next term--in her biology class."
%
A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little Johnny
answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.  The salesman says,

"Little boy, is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the
carpet and says, "What the hell do you think?"
%
A rancher bought a humongous new bull and unloaded it on the range. 
In the herd, there were already three bulls--one fairly large, one 
medium size, and one small. The fairly large bull had been servicing 
half the heifers, the medium-size bull took care of a third of them, and 
the little bull had the rest. 
   When the three bulls saw the new bull, who was bigger than all three 
put together, the large bull said to the new one, "You can have as many 
of my cows as you want. I'm too old for any hassle." 
   The medium-size bull said the same. 
   The small bull puts his head down and starts snorting and clawing the 
ground with his hoofs. 
   The other two bulls look at him and say, "What the hell are you 
doing? He'll kill you."
   The little bull says, "Hell, he can have the cows. I just want to 
make damn sure he knows I'm a bull." 
%
Two men are occupying booths in a public restroom, when one calls to the
other, 

"There is no toilet paper over here--do you have any over there?" 

The second man replies, "No, sorry, I don't seem to have any, either." 

The first man then asks, "Well, do you have a magazine or newspaper?" 

The second man says, "No, sorry!" 

The first man pauses, then inquires, "Do you have change for a twenty?" 
%
It seems that a young man volunterred for military 
service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude 
for aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping 
boot camp. 

The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best 
flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold 
wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in 
the Pacific. 

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot 
down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 
9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. 

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled 
the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. 
He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the 
captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on 
my very first day?" 

The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one 
velly impoltant mistake!"
%
        A kangaroo yanked her young one out of her pouch and gave it a
healthy smack on the backside.  "I'll teach you," she declared, "to eat
crackers in bed!"
%
"Would you like fried or boiled eggs, sir ?"

To which came the usual American verbosity,

"I'd like two eggs sunny side up, one with the yolk broken and dripping
onto the toast which should be burnt on one side and slightly brown on
the other with one corner made soggy by the baked beans which in turn
should be heated in a microwave so that they are hot on the outside and
cold inside."

The waiter, despite being used to the odd American guest, replied "I'm
sorry, sir, but I don't think that's possible"

The American was genuinely surprised.

"Why not, that's exactly what you gave me yesterday." 
%
        There was a patient in a bodycast in the hospital.  The fellow
in the bed next to him asked, "What do you do for a living?"
        The patient said, "I was a window washer at the Empire State
Building."
        "When did you quit?"
        "Halfway down!"
%
Top Ten Words of wisdom of John Major, ex prime minister of Great Britain.

10. "I'm drawing a line under the sand."
 
9. "When your back is against the wall its time to turn around and start
 fighting."
 
8. "A bogus sham !"
 
7. "Sustainable growth is growth that is sustainable."
 
6. "There is always a choice of whether one does it last week, this week,
 or next week."
 
5. "The world has gone through tremendous change recently; both nationally
 and internationally."
 
4. "I will turn directly to the Asylum Bill.. later."
 
3. "The IRA have been isolated in the eyes of the world, and many other
 people."
 
2. "U.N. goodwill may be a bottomless pit, but it is by no means
 limitless."
 
1. "We are not wholly an island, except geographically."
%
A saving Scotsman in the dark:"My love, will you please cough again. 
So I can find the bed."
%
        Just before a drafted farm boy made his first parachute jump,
his sergeant reminded him, "Count to ten and pull the first rip cord.
If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for the auxiliary chute.  After
you land, our truck will pick you up."
        The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped.  He counted to
ten, and pulled the first cord.  Nothing happened.  He pulled the 
second cord.  Again, nothing happened.   As he careened crazily 
earthward, he said to himself:  "Now I'll bet that truck won't be 
there either!"
%
        "I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss.   "There are
three other companies after me."
        "Is that so?" asked the manager.  "What other companies are
after you?"
        "The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas
company."
%
        A young fellow with long-hair was trying to enter a swim 
club.  However, he was stopped by the owner who tried to explain 
that for health reasons long-haired people were prohibited from 
using the pool.
        "Get a haircut, and you're welcome to swim in the pool,"
suggested the owner.
        "Some of history's greatest men had long hair," said the 
young man.
        "Those are the rules," hammered back the owner.
        "Moses had long hair."
        "Moses can't swim in our pool either."
%
A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
who swore how much they were in love.  To quiet the enraged husband, the
lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy.  If I win,
you get a divorce so I can marry her.  If you win, I promise never to see
her again.  Okay?"
	"Alright," agreed the husband.  "But how about a quarter a point
on the side to make it interesting?"
%
A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
%
As in certain cults it is possible to
kill a process if you know its true name.
		-- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
%
As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
%
 A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an
exclusive jewelry store.  "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you
don't want any trouble either.  What do you say I just buy the watch
and we forget about this?"

    The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.  The crook looked
at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend.
Can you show me something less expensive?"
%
A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. 
After  an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her 
and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you 
while?" 

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I
won't sleep with you tonight!"  Everyone in the bar is now staring at
them.  Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and
he slinks back to his table.  After a few minutes, the woman walks
over to him and apologizes.  She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if
I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and
I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."  To which
he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
%
Fr. McGillicudy couldn't get any money from his congregations, so
he took a course in hypnotism.

At Sunday Mass McGillicudy waved his little watch from the
pulpit, back and forth, back and forth.

He asked the congregation to put five bucks in the basket and
they all did.

He thought this was great.

The following Sunday he did the same thing only this time he
asked for ten bucks and they all put ten bucks in the basket.

He thought this was really turning into something.

So the next Sunday he was swinging his watch back and forth, back
and forth and he accidently dropped it.

"Oh shit", he said.
%
        In Dallas, a man stopped a pedestrian and asked, "What is 
the quickest way to the hospital?"

        The pedestrian replied, "Just say something bad about Texas."
%
President Lyndon B Johnson tells about a preacher back home who
dropped his notes one day as he was leaving for church, and his dog
jumped on them and tore them up. When the preacher stepped into the
pulpit, he apologised to his congregation: "I am very sorry that I
have no sermon today. I will just have to speak as the Lord directs.
But - I will try to do better next Sunday.
%
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into 
the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman 
liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that 
showed off a magnificent pair of breasts.

He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as 
possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no 
more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he 
knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the 
door. "Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing 
how beautiful your wife is." "Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor 
replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts
are.  I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss
those breasts."  The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when
his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss
the offer for a few moments.

Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.  "OK," the
husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's
tits."

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire
hang free at last.  Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to
rub his face against them in total ecstasy.  This goes on for several
minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.  "Well, come on already, kiss
'em!" he growls.

"I can't." replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars!"
%
"I don't want to worry you," the little boy said to his teacher, " but
last night my dad said that if I didn't get better grades on my next
report card, someone was going to get their butt kicked."
%
A  man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix
to Flagstaff.  He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains
just became to much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single
person to stop.  Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered
him a ride.
Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.  The owner of the
Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his
bumper.  He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he
got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would
slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles.  Suddenly, another
Corvette blew past them.  Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the
bike immediately took off after the other.  A short distance down the
road, the Corvettes, both going well over 90 mph, blew through a speed
trap.  The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and
radiod to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at
over 90 mph.  He then relayed,
 "And you're not going to believe this -- but there's this *really*
amazing guy  on a 10 speed bike honking to pass!!".
%
It was painfully evident to the indignant Mother that all was not
well with her attractive daughter.  To her pointed questions, the girl
tearfully admitted that motherhood was approaching, and that a close
friend of the family was responsible.

With fire in her eyes, the Mother drove over to the friend's house
and confronted him.  The man readily admitted his guilt.

"But I have a very good reason." the soon-to-be dad said. " I doubt
I'll ever get married, and wanted an heir to leave my fortune to.  If
your daughter presents me with a daughter, I'll give her $ 500,000.
If she bears me a son, I'll make it a million."

Hearing this our distraught Mother was silent for a while.Then,
finally, she gave her reply.

"Now see here," said the Mother, "That's totally unacceptable.  If
it's a miscarriage, will you at least give her another chance ?"
%
Two Irish men walked past a bar...it could happen.
%
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding
down Main Street.

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"  "Just be quiet,"
snapped the officer.  "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail
until the chief gets back."
 
"But, officer, I just wanted to say"

"And I said to keep quiet!  You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding.  He'll be
in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it,"said the fellow in the cell.
 
"Why not?" asked the officer. 
     
"Well, you see,officer, it just happens that I'm the groom."
%
        Two women were discussing the problems with their marriages 
over lunch one afternoon.  "I know one thing, for sure!" Gert said,  
"I'm going to get a divorce."
        "But why?" questioned Marge.
        "I saw that jerk, I call my husband, going into a movie with
another woman."
        "Did you know who she was?"
        "Never saw her before," exclaimed Gert.
        "Well, did you ever stop to consider whether there could be an
innocent explanation of it all?  How come you didn't follow them into
the theater and find out?" wondered Marge.
        "Well, you see, the fellow I was with had already seen the
picture."
%
     A Frenchman, an Italian and an Canadian were discussing
love-making.

 "Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the
Frenchman."  She was in sheer ectasy this morning..."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told
me she could never love another man."

   When the Canadian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And
how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

   "Once." he replied.

  "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say
to you this morning?"

  "Don't stop."
%
... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center.  When a
programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up.  That
behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
never when standing.

Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing?  Good debuggers, though,
know that there has to be a reason.  Electrical theories are the easiest to
hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static
electricity?  But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
the tops of two keys were switched.  When the programmer was seated he was a
touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
astray by hunting and pecking.
	-- from the Programming Pearls column,
	   by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
%
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came
across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on
the ticket showed that it was over 11 years old. They both laughed and
tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair
of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop ?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went
downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the
counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute.
I'll have to look for these."  He disappeared into a dark corner at
the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are !"

"No kidding ?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific ! Who would have
thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. 
"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.
%
- At a Sante Fe gas station: 
     "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
- In an New York restaurant: 
     "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see 
     the manager."
- On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaning store: 
     "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."
- On a movie theatre: 
     "Children's matinee today.  Adults not admitted unless with 
     child."
- In a Florida maternity ward: 
     "No children allowed!"
- In the office of a loan company: 
     "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
%
- In a New York medical building: 
     "Mental health prevention centre."
- In a toy department: 
     "Five Santa Clauses - no waiting."
- In a number of parking areas: 
     "Violators will be enforced and Trespassers will be violated."
- On a display of "I Love You Only" Valentine cards: 
     "Now available in multi-packs."
- In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: 
     "Don't kill your wife.  Let our washing machines do the 
     dirty work."
- On a window of a New Hampshire hamburger restaurant: 
     "Yes, we are open.  Sorry for the inconvenience."
- Outside a country shop: 
     "We buy junk and sell antiques."
- On a North Carolina highway: 
     "EAT, 300 FEET"
- On a New Hampshire highway: 
     "You are speeding when flashing."
%
- In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: 
     "Now serving live lobsters."
- On a movie marquee: 
     "Now Playing: Adam and Eve.  With a cast of thousands!"
- In the vestry of a New England church: 
     "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual 
     light is extinguished."
- In a Pennsylvania cemetery: 
     "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but 
     their own graves."
- On the grounds of a private school: 
     "No trespassing without permission."
- In a library: 
     "Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public
     stops taking it away.
- On a Tennessee highway: 
     "Take Notice:  When this sign is under water the road is 
     impassable."
- In downtown Boston: 
     "Calahan Tunnel/No. End."
- In a New Jersey restaurant: 
     "Open 11:00 AM to 11:00 PM Midnight."
%
        A bloke goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders
five pots.  The barman gives him an odd look since the bloke's all by
himself, but he serves up the five pots and lines them up on the bar.
The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four, Five.  He finishes the
last one and calls to the barman, "Four pots, please, mate!"
        The barman serves up four pots and lines them on the bar.  The
bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four.  Then he belches loudly,
sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pots.  And one after
the other, he knocks them back....One, Two, Three.
        "Two potsh, mate!"  he calls, and the barman places two pots in
front of him.  Down they go....One, Two.  As the bloke slams the last
one down on the bar, he says, "One pot, mate."  So the barman fills the
glass.
        The bloke sits there, staring at it for for a moment, trying to
focus.  Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh a funny
t'ing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get..."
%
* Warning: religious

Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death
and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one
among you who is without sin cast the first stone..."
        Right about then, a rock comes winging through the air and hits
Jesus upside the head.  He whirls around and shouts "Alright, Mom, c'mon!
I'm trying to make a point, here!"
%
A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman.  Imagine if on top
of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.
		-- Adolf Hitler
%
Tiring of the city life, a New York family bought a ranch out West where
they intended to raise cattle.  Friends visited and asked if the ranch
had a name.  "Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it
the Bar-J.  My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the
other wanted the Lazy-Y.  So we compromised and called it the
Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked.

"None of them survived the branding!"
%
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could
get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an
obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no
clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was
in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf
overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick,
packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one
would recognize him. Happily, he began to play he course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He
went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for
what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it
sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup four
hundred yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A
picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your
pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it -- whom can he tell?
%
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking
a golf course.  He drove by a car and saw a couple inside
with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's
seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back
seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. 

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man
looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading
this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer
then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does
it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about
twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."
%
Dan Quaile DID say that:

"The real question for 1988 is whether we're going to go forward 
to tomorrow or past to the--to the back!"

"We will invest in our people, quality education, job 
opportunity, family, neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call 
America."

"We'll let the sunshine come in and shine on us, because today 
we're happy and tomorrow we'll be even happier."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the 
world."

"This election is about who's going to be the next President of 
the United States!"

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

"The thing is if you control the Senate meetings, you control the
gavel.  And the gavel is a very important instrument...an 
instrument of power.  An instrument that establishes the agenda."

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind, or not to have a 
mind...how true that is."
%
          A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy,
oversized travel bag onto the plane.  Helped by a flight attendant, he
finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin.  "Do you always carry
such heavy luggage?" she sighed.

          "No more," the man said.  "Next time, I'm riding in the bag,
and my partner can buy the ticket!"
%
	A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West.  The
Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come."
	The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for
miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that.
	Replies the Indian, "Ear wet."
%
	"Hello, Police Department."
	"This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court.  I've just been
sexually molested by a pervert, right here in my own home.  It was
horrifying!"
	"Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
	"Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask.  I was
napping on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I
didn't hear anything.  Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand
over my mouth, holding me down.  I tried to scream... he was pulling
my pants off.  I was so frightened!  He held a knife to my throat and
undressed so quickly.  What could I do?  I couldn't stop him.  He was
huge.  A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty pounds heavier than
I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible.  He had an erection, and
he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my throat;
forced me to suck it.  Yes, officer!  There was no escaping this man.
Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me
over on my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so
embarrassed to say it, he put that huge thing...  It must have been a
foot long, and I don't know how thick... into my...  Just a minute."
	"What's the matter, mister?"
	"Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."

%
	A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
for a living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do
all day?"
	Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
	"That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"
	Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
mailman."
	"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father, Billy?"
	Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
	The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.  Billy's father
answered the door.  The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
an explanation.
	Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney.  But how do
you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"
%
The two cockroaches were munching delicacies on top of a garbage pile,
when one of them began telling of some new tenants in a nearby
apartment house. "I hear," said the reporting cockroach, "that their
refrigerator is spotless, their floors gleaming, and there is not a
speck of dust in the whole place."

"Please, please," said the other cockroach, "not while I'm eating."
%
Q:  Why should you never run over an <ethnic minority of your choice>
riding a bicycle?

A:  It could be your bicycle.
%
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism
to live beyond its income.
		-- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
%
A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge 
looked down at the man and then at the charges and then 
down at the little man in amazement. "Can you tell me in 
your own words what happened?" asked the judge.

"I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof." said the 
man.

"Yes go on." said the astounded judge.

"Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and 
went to take them out. They told me my library card had 
expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the 
registration office and got in another line. And filled out my 
forms for another card. And got back in line for my card."

"Yes go on." said the judge.

"And he asked 'Can you prove you`re from New York City?' 
So I stabbed him.
%
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his
Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went
in to ask for an immediate loan of $ 5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral.
"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce,"
the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car
driven into the bank's underground parking garage for
safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later,
the man walked through the bank's doors, asked to settle
up his loan and get his car back.
"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in
interest," the loan officer said.  The man wrote out a
check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone,
I found out you are a multi-millionaire.  Why in the world
would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled.  "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce
in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
%
If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
you use?
%
A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
D is for dd, the command that does all.
E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
G is for grep, a clever detective, while
H is for halt, which may seem defective.
I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
J is for join, which nobody uses.
K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
M is for more, from which less was begot, and
N is for nice, which it really is not.
O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
T is for true, which does very little.
U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
	-- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
%
warning: read it at your own risk!

Q. How do you know when he's got a high sperm count?
A. When you have to chew before you swallow!!!
%
* Warning: a bit crude

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is
leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and 
says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good 
in your life but, you never did anything bad either.  Tell you what, if 
you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're 
in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says,  "Yeah, there was this one time 
when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker 
Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl.  I slowed down my car to see what 
was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing 
this chick.  Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my 
trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with 
a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.  
As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle 
around me. 

So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head 
with the tire iron.  Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, 
'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone!  You're all a bunch of sick, 
deranged animals!

Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says "Really?  When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."
%
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I
have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could
converse with those people"
	  -Former U.S.  Vice-President Dan Quayle
%
Two network engineers were standing in the park.
One had a new bike.
The other said, "Nice bike. How much?"
The first said , "It was free."
The other asked, "Wow, how did you get it for free?"
The one with the bike said," Yesterday a beautiful girl rode up on
this bike, took off all her clothes and told me I could have anything
I wanted."
The other network engineer said, "Good move! Her clothes wouldn't have
fit you anyway!"
%
Perhaps the problems faced by all law-enforecers in striking balance
between the conflicting demands of liberalism and severity should be
left to a former Governor of New York State Al Smith, who spoke to the
inmates of Sing Sing prison only a short time after his election to
office.

It wasn't until he got to this feet that Smith realised he didn't know
how to address his audience. He started with
"My fellow citizens" , but quickly dropped that, remembering that
they'd forfeited their rights of citizenship when they were put behind
bars. Next came, "My fellow convicts," but that, too, presented
problems. With sounds of restlessness coming from the hall, Smith
ditched the customary greetings and launched into his speech with the
opening sentence , "Well, in any case -- I'm glad to see so many of
you here........"
%
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the
older girls starting to use lipstick.  When applying it in the
bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip
prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it.  He gathered
all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to
meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and
found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.

The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the
custodian to clean the mirror every night.  He said he felt the ladies
did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he
wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated.  He took a long brush on a handle out
of a box.  He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to
the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
%
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out
with the boys on Wednesday nites, and so does she.
%
/* Haley */

	(Haley's comment.)
%
Conscience doesn't really keep you from doing anything wrong --
it merely keeps you from enjoying it.
%
He:  "Am I the first man you ever had ?"
She: "Well, your face is familiar.."
%
A blonde driving down a Midwestern highway spots another blonde in a
kayak trying to paddle across the top of a wheat field. She got out of
her car and calls out to the "kayak" blonde and says, "It's blondes
like you, that give blondes like me a bad name! I'd go over there and
kick your butt, if I could swim!",
%
        An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a
check-up.  He said, "I feel terrible.  Please examine me and tell me
what's wrong with me."
        "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you
drink much?"
        "Alcohol?" said the man.  "I'm a teetotaler.  Never touch a
drop."
        "How about smoking?" asked the doctor.
        "Never," replied the man.  "Tobacco is bad and I have strong
principles against it."
        "Well, uh," asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"
        "Oh, no," said the man.  "Sex is sin.  I'm in bed by 10:30 every
night....always have been."
        The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do
you have pains in your head?"
        "Yes," said the man.  "I have terrible pains in my head."
        "O.K.," said the doctor.  "That's your trouble.  Your halo is on
too tight."
%
A fellow asks his boss, "Say Boss, my wife wants me to clean out the 
basement tomorrow. Can I have the day off?". 

"NO" the boss answers.

"Thanks Boss, I knew you'd come through"
%
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he
hears some music.  No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
 He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a
headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.  Then he realizes
that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! 
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.  This
time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being
played backward.  Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.  When
they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.
 The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse
order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the
grave.  They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played
backward.  Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. 
Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. 
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.  "He's decomposing!"
%
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the
cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for
an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone
was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is
still going around passing out business cards."
%
Stupid signs:

- On a cardboard windshield sun shade:
        "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place."
- On an infant's bathtub:
        Do not throw baby out with bath water.
-On a roll of Life Savers:
        Not for use as a flotation device.
-On a cup of McDonald's coffee:
        Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
-On a disposable razor:
        Do not use this product during an earthquake.
-On a handgun:
        Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
-On a piano:
        Harmful or fatal if swallowed.
-On a Pentium chip:
        If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will 
        replace it for a $2-shipping and a $3-handling charge, 
        for a total of $4.97.
-On a revolving door:
        Passenger compartments for individual use only.
-On a microscope:  Objects are smaller and less alarming than
        they appear.
-On children's alphabet blocks:
        Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and 
        sentences that may be deemed offensive.
%
  "Windows Error-codes"

  WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
  WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
  WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
  WinErr: 004 Erronious error - Nothing is wrong
  WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
  WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
  WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadeqaute money spent on hardware
  WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
  WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
  WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
  WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB
  WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Rame needed. More! More! More!
  WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
  WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
  WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
  WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
  WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
  WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
  WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
  WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
  WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new
 one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.
  WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
  WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your
 software. We are terribly sorry.
  WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error.
 Next time you will get a penalty for that.
  WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadeqaute.
  WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
  WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait..
  WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
  WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.
  WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The
 virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automaticly be closed and
 the virus will be activated again.
  WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed.
 Please click the left mouse button to continue.
  WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many erros encountered. Next
 errors will not be displayed or recorded.
  WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play
 another game?
  WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for
 the system to complete boot procedure.
  WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes available
%
A grain salesman is driving to his next appointment when he looks out
his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running parallel to his
car.  The car is going forty miles per hour, but somehow the chicken is
keeping up.  When the salesman speeds up to fifty, the chicken speeds up
with him.

The amazed salesman starts going sixty, but there's the chicken, still
beside him, and not even breathing hard.  The salesman is about to speed
up yet again when the chicken suddenly takes off and disappers in a
cloud of dust.

The astonished salesman immediately slows down and pulls over to the
side.  He finds the farmer and says, "You won't believe what happened to
me.  I was doing sixty on this road and a three-legged chicken passed me
like I was standing still!"

"Oh, yeah, I know all about it." says the farmer.  "You see, there's
three of us - myself, my wife, and little Davey, and whenever Louise
servers chicken for dinner, we all want a drumstick.  The only solution
we could think of was to start raising three-legged chickens."

"That's remarkable," says the salesman.  "How do they taste?"

"I don't really know," says the farmer.  "We've never been able to catch
one."
%
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
  -Former U.S.  Vice-President Dan Quayle
%
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years
     and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make
     some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
     -- Dave Barry
%
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
%
A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time.  After he'd given her
some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later.  Before
he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill.  If that happened, he told
her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
her aid.  
	Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
by the agreed upon signal.  Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
	"He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
	"She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied.  "I
just want to get my saddle back!"
%
* This is not a joke, though it really looks like one.

BUCHAREST, Sept 18 (Reuter) - A senior police official from Latvia had
a complaint at a Romanian conference on organised crime in eastern
Europe -- someone had stolen his mobile telephone.

The independent Mediafax news agency on Thursday said Latvia's former
interior minister Dainis Turlais reported the theft from his hotel
room and an investigation was under way.

``The hotel room had not been broken into,'' Mircea Gheordunescu,
deputy head of Romania's SRI intelligence service, told Mediafax.
``There were no signs that the lock on the door had been forced.''

Turlais was one of about 50 top policemen, prosecutors and
intelligence officers from 20 European countries at a three-day
meeting in Bucharest on how to tackle serious crime in the Balkan and
Black Sea region.

Speakers called for a East European body to coordinate action against
corruption, smuggling and prostitution, which have boomed since the
fall of communism.

Mediafax did not say whether Turlais's telephone had been found but
said conference organisers ``suspected that Turlais had most likely
forgotten his telephone somewhere.''
%
A promiscuous person is usually someone who is getting more sex than you are.
		-- Victor Lownes
%
Customer:     "I'm running Windows '95."
Tech Support: "Yes."
Customer:     "My computer isn't working now."
Tech Support: "Yes, you said that."
%
After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names
have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp,
James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc.  These pioneers conducted many important
electrical experiments.  For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this
is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg
of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even
though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.
Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian
medicine.  Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been
seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and
watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
that it sinks like a stone.
		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%
All parts should go together without forcing.  You must remember that the
parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you.  Therefore, if you
can't get them together again, there must be a reason.  By all means, do
not use a hammer.
		-- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
%
An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
		-- A Chinese child
%
AUTHENTIC:
	Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
%
Organization: Copyright 1997 by Agence France-Presse
From: C-afp@clari.net (AFP)
Subject: Romanian grows giant cucumber
Newsgroups: clari.world.europe.eastern,clari.living.human_interest,clari.living.misc
Date: Fri, 26 Sep 1997 10:00:53 PDT
Slugword: Romania-cucumber

   BUCAREST, Sept 26 (AFP) - A woman in Romania has successfully  
nurtured a giant cucumber measuring 1 meter 60 centimeters (five 
feet three inches) long, and 30 cm (1 ft) in diameter, the daily 
Evenimentul Zilei said Friday. 
   While Olga Avratescu has allowed reporters to measure the giant  
vegetable which is still growing, she is keeping her gardening 
secrets to herself, hoping to make it into the next edition of the 
Guiness Book of Records. 
   Avratescu, who lives in the north-eastern county of Botosani,  
also hopes to sell the seeds for 10 dollar a piece. 
%
BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
	Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
%
Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
%
belief, n:
	Something you do not believe.
%
A guy got bogged down on a muddy road and paid a passing farmer 
twenty dollars to pull him out with his tractor.   
   After he was back on dry ground, the guy told the farmer, "At those 
prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night 
and day."
   "Can't do it", replied the farmer.  "At night I haul water for the 
hole."
%
* Warning: gross

Two old blokes in a home for the elderly were up late one night when they see 
a third elderly bloke walk passed with no clothes on.

"What is that old bloke wearing?" says the first old bloke to the second.

"I don't know," says the second,"but what whatever it is it sure needs an 
iron." 
%
If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
%
* Warning: GROSS

Q: What is green and red and goes 60 miles per hour?
A: A frog in a blender!
%
A Hindu Priest, a Rabbi and a Lawyer were all traveling together and
came upon an Inn with only two available rooms. The Innkeeper said
that one of them must volunteer to sleep in the barn.  The Hindu
volunteered but two minutes later there was a knock at the door.  The
Hindu Priest said "I can not sleep in the barn because there is a cow
there."  The Rabbi then volunteered to sleep in the barn.  Two minutes
later there was another knock at the door.  The Rabbi returned saying
"I can not sleep in the barn because there is a pig in there."  The
lawyer then volunteered to sleep in the barn.  Two minutes later there
was a knock at the door. It was the cow and the pig.
%
* Warning: tasteless

What do you do if someone is having an epileptic fit in your bathtub?
Throw in the washing!
%
These three guys, separately, go for interviews with the CIA.

The first guy has his interview, and at the end the interviewer says
"Ok, I really like you and I'm prepared to offer you a job.  The final
test you have is the loyalty test.  We have your wife in the back room;
take this gun, go in there and kill her".
The guy goes in, but comes out again 5 minutes later and says "here,
take the gun back.  I couldn't do it, I love my wife.  I guess I'm just
not cut out for the CIA."

The second guy goes in for his interview.  Same thing; "here's a gun,
go in and kill your wife".  Again, the guy comes out 5 minutes later
and admits that he couldn't do it.

The third guy also has a successful interview.  He disappears into the
back room with the gun, and immediately the interviewer hears BANG BANG
BANG, followed swiftly by crashing and wrecking noises. Two minutes
later the guy comes out again, tie crooked, hair dishevelled, panting
and sweating.  "Congratulations", says the interviewer, "you start on
Monday, but tell me, what was all the noise about?  You look a mess."

And the guy replies "some idiot put blanks in the gun - I had to beat
her to death with a chair!"
%
* Warning: somewhat sexual material present

The biology professor told the students, "Before I start today's 
lecture, I want to see if you have been keeping up with the readings. 
Calling on one girl, he asks, "Amanda, what organ of the body expands to 
ten times its normal size when excited?"
   Amanda turns the color of a wet sunset, drops her eyes in 
embarrassment and is unable to reply.
   Professor asks, "Sally, do you know the answer?"
   Sally says, "It is the pupil of the eye, sir."
   Professor says, "Very good Sally." Turning to Amanda, he adds,"Now, 
Amanda, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not done your 
homework; two, you have a dirty mind; and three, you're in for a big 
disappointment."
% 
Subject: Romanian deputies cannot rule on skirts' length
Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 7:53:18 PDT
Organization: Copyright 1997 by Agence France-Presse
Slugword: Romania-people
Threadword: romania
Priority: regular

   BUCHAREST, Oct 10 (AFP) - Ruling on the length of skirts "is not  
part of the Romanian deputies' prerogatives," the chamber of 
deputies said Friday, denying media allegations that its standing 
bureau had recently banned liftwomen from wearing miniskirts. 
   "The chamber of deputies' standing bureau has not discussed nor  
taken any decision on the length of liftwomen's skirts", the lower 
house of parliament stated. 
   "According to regulations, the standing bureau is not entitled  
to deal with such topics, which are not part of its prerogatives, as 
they are stipulated by article 29," the chamber added. 
   The Libertatea daily said in its Friday edition the deputies'  
standing bureau had ruled against "liftwomen being seated, reading, 
doing crossword puzzles or wearing miniskirts while on duty." 

Subject: In Romania, lice are worth gold
Date: Thu, 9 Oct 1997 15:01:47 PDT
Organization: Copyright 1997 by Agence France-Presse
Slugword: Romania-prison
Threadword: romania
Priority: regular
  	  				 
   BUCHAREST, Oct 9 (AFP) - Lice are worth gold among Romanians in  
police custody, who have discovered that having them could mean 
staying out of prison, a doctor of Prahova county in the south of 
the country said Thursday. 
   "As long as they have lice, presumed criminals cannot be sent to  
prison, but must be looked after at the police station", doctor Alin 
Scarlat said. 
   He added that a "thriving trade in lice" had developed among  
suspects, who would do anything to avert going to prison, where 
conditions are particularly bad. 
   "While they are detained here, they get three meals and two  
snacks daily, as well as free medical treatment, which is hardly the 
case in prisons", Scarlat said. 
%
Guy comes into the doctor's office. Says: "Something's up my ass..."
Dr. looks at him, puts on the rubber glove, and up the ass he
goes...the dude's moaning, but the doctor keeps going.  "Nothing
there," doctor says.  "Go deeper, the guy says."  Still nothing there,
he tells the guy.  "Deeper" "Even more deeper."  Doc says "Nothing
there man....o wait, there is...?!" Pulls out a rose. Looks at the
guy, who has a big ass smile on his face.  The guy says "It's for you
Miss."
%
Two lawyers are in a bank. Suddenly, hijackers bust in. While several 
of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line up the 
customers, including the lawyers, and proceed to take their wallets and 
valuables.
   While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the 
hand of the other one. 
   Without looking down, the other guy asks, "What is this?"
   First lawyer says, "It's the fifty bucks I owe you."
%
what do cows with no lips say?
oooooo                 oooooooo!
%
* Warning: explicit sexual material

A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno.  By the roadside he
sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up.  As the man gets into his
car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car.
	"All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off."
	"What!?" says the man, disbelievingly.
	"Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker.
	So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right,
I did what you wanted, can I go now?"
	"Nope," says the hijacker.  "Do it again."
	"Again?" the driver exclaims.  "I just did it."
	"Do it again."
	It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again.
Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave.
	"Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more
time."
	The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat.  It takes him
twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time.
	"Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?"
	"Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun.  "And this is my daughter;
I want you to drive her into Salerno."
%
* Warning: brutal

	A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.  
He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
gas.  When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
were off.  Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside.  He wasn't sure
what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
"Help... help... help".  He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
ankles.  He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
	"These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my 
clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
	"Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants.  "This just
hasn't been your day, has it?" 
%
An airline passenger with three pieces of luggage walks up to the
baggage check-in counter at a busy eastern US airport.

"I'd like this one to go to Anchorage, this second one goes to Dallas,
and I'll take this third one with me to Los Angeles," he says.

"I'm sorry, sir," says the clerk, "but we can't do that."

"Why not?" says the passenger. "You did it last time I flew on this
airline!"
%
A man spent thirty years in prison. Most of it was in solitary
confinement, and he was going crazy alone in his cell, when he spied
an ant crawling on the floor. He began to look forward to the ant's
daily visit to his cell, and he would save bread crumbs to feed the
ant. He began to talk to the ant and gave it a name.
He was really surprised when the ant began to come to him when he
called it by name. He thought he was going crazy when the ant began to
talk back to him. He taught the ant to recite the Declaration of
Independence. Later, when he was finally paroled, the convict took the
ant with him, in a matchbox. He went to a bar, thinking, "This ant
will make me rich!" He took the matchbox out of his pocket and
released the ant on the bar. He said, "Bartender, do you see this ant
on the bar?" The bartender, "I'm sorry about that", and squashed the
ant with his thumb!
%
	A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex aids shop and
asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l
d-dildoes h-here?"
	The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's
appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."
	The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches
apart asked "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"
     "Well, yes ma-am, we do. We have several that size." 
     Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny
of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
     "Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big." 
     "D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?" 
     "Yes ma'am, one of them does."
     "W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?" 
%
On the first day of college, the dean/principal addresses the
students pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory
will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male
dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this
rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking
this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third
time will incur a hefty fine of $180. ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?".
A male student bashfully moves forward and asks: "How much
for a seasonal pass?"
     -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
%
* Warning: some sexual material present

Subject: Men's Life Styles through Age

       AGE        DRINK

      17         beer
      25         beer
      35         vodka
      48         double vodka
      66         Maalox

     SEDUCTION LINE

     17         My parents are away for the weekend.
     25         My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
     35         My fiancee is away for the weekend.
     48         My wife is away for the weekend.
     66         My second wife is dead.

     FAVORITE SPORT

     17         sex
     25         sex
     35         sex
     48         sex
     66         napping

     DRUG

     17         pot
     25         coke
     35         really good coke
     48         power
     66         coke, a limousine, the company jet

     DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

     17         "tongue"
     25         "breakfast"
     35         "She didn't set back my therapy."
     48         "I didn't bump into her kids."
     66         "Got home alive."

     FAVORITE FANTASY

     17         getting to third
     25         airplane sex
     35         menage a trois
     48         taking his company public
     66         Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

     HOUSE PET

     17         roaches
     25         stoned-out college roommate
     35         Irish setter
     48         children from his first marriage
     66         Barbi

    WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

     17         25
     25         35
     35         48
     48         66
     66         17

     IDEAL DATE
 
    17         Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
    25         "Split the check before we go back to my place"
    35         "Just come over."
    48         "Just come over and cook."
    66         sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas
%
  THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
 
          AGE  DRINK
          17 Wine Coolers
          25 White wine
          35 Red wine
          48 Dom Perignon
          66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
 
     EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
          17 Need to wash my hair
          25 Need to wash and condition my hair
          35 Need to colour my hair
          48 Need to have Francois colour my hair
          66 Need to have Francois colour my wig
 
     FAVOURITE SPORT
          17 shopping
          25 shopping
          35 shopping
          48 shopping
          66 shopping
 
     DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
          17 "Burger King"
          25 "Free meal"
          35 "A diamond"
          48 "A bigger diamond"
          66 "Home Alone"

     FAVOURITE FANTASY
          17 tall, dark and handsome
          25 tall, dark and handsome with money
          35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
          48 a man with hair
          66 a man
 
     HOUSE PET
          17 Muffy the cat
          25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
          35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
          48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
          66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
 
     WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
          17 17
          25 25
          35 35
          48 48
          66 66
 
     IDEAL DATE
          17 He offers to pay
          25 He pays
          35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
          48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
          66 He can chew breakfast
%
How to Hunt Elephants

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out
everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is
left.  Professors of mathematics prove the existence of at least one
elephant and leave the capture of an actual elephant as an exercise
for one of their graduate students.

Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A:

1.  Go to Africa
2.  Start at the Cape of Good Hope
3.  Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the
    continent alternately East and West.
4.  During each traverse
        a.  Catch each animal seen
        b.  Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
        c.  Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by
placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the
algorithm will terminate.

Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray
animals at  random, and stopping when any one of them weighs
within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed
elephant.

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if
elephants are paid enough they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and
call it an elephant.

Consultants don't hunt elephants, but they can be hired by
the hour to advise those who do.

Operations research consultants can measure the correlation
of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant
hunting strategies, if someone else will identify the elephants.

Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the
elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds
around arguing about who owns the droppings.  Software
lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the
look and feel of one dropping.

When the Vice President of R&D tries to hunt elephants, his
staff will try to ensure that  all elephants are completely
prehunted before he sees them.  If the VP sees a
nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1) Compliment the
vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to
prevent any recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based on
the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but
with deeper voices.

Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look
for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing
the jeep.

Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time
selling elephants they haven't  caught, for delivery two
days before the season opens.  Software salespeople ship the
first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an
elephant.  Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them
gray and sell them as "desktop elephants."
%
Problem: To Catch a Deer in the woods


1. Mathematical Methods
-----------------------

1.1 The Hilbert (axiomatic) method
----------------------------------

We place a locked cage onto a given point in the woods.  After that we
introduce the following logical system:

Axiom 1: The set of deers in the woods is not empty.

Axiom 2: If there exists a deer in the woods, then there exists a deer
in the cage.

Procedure: If P is a theorem, and if the following is holds:"P implies
Q", then Q is a theorem.

Theorem 1: There exists a deer in the cage.

1.2 The geometrical inversion method
------------------------------------

We place a spherical cage in the woods, enter it and lock it from
inside. We then perform an inversion with respect to the cage.  Then
the deer is inside the cage, and we are outside.

1.3 The projective geometry method
----------------------------------

Without loss of generality we can view the woods as a plane
surface. We project the surface onto a line and afterwards the line
onto an interior point of the cage.  Thereby the deer is mapped onto
that same point.

1.4 The Bolzano-Weierstrass method
----------------------------------

Divide the woods by a line running from north to south.  The deer is
then either in the eastern or in the western part.  Lets assume it is
in the eastern part.  Divide this part by a line running from east to
west.  The deer is either in the northern or in the southern part.
Lets assume it is in the northern part.  We can continue this process
arbitrarily and thereby constructing with each step an increasingly
narrow fence around the selected area.  The diameter of the chosen
partitions converges to zero so that the deer is caged into a fence of
arbitrarily small diameter.

1.5 The set theoretical method
------------------------------

We observe that the woods is a separable space.  It therefore contains
an enumerable dense set of points which constitutes a sequence with
the deer as its limit.  We silently approach the deer in this
sequence, carrying the proper equipment with us.

1.6 The Peano method
--------------------

In the usual way construct a curve containing every point in the
woods.  It has been proven [1] that such a curve can be traversed in
arbitrarily short time.  Now we traverse the curve, carrying a rifle,
in a time less than what it takes the deer to move a distance equal to
its own length.

1.7 A topological method
------------------------

We observe that the deer possesses the topological gender of a torus.
We embed the woods in a four dimensional space.  Then it is possible
to apply a deformation [2] of such a kind that the deer when returning
to the three dimensional space is all tied up in itself.  It is then
completely helpless.

1.8 The Cauchy method
---------------------

We examine a deer-valued function f(z). Be \zeta the cage. 
Consider the integral

	         /
            1    I   f(z)
         ------- I --------- dz
         2 \pi i I z - \zeta
                 / 
                 C

where C represents the boundary of the woods.  Its value is f(zeta),
i.e.there is a deer in the cage [3].

1.9 The Wiener-Tauber method
----------------------------

We obtain a tame deer, D_0, from the class D(-\infinity,\infinity),
whose fourier transform vanishes nowhere.  We put this deer somewhere
in the woods.  D_0 then converges toward our cage.  According to the
general Wiener-Tauber theorem [4] every other deer D will converge
toward the same cage.  (Alternatively we can approximate D arbitrarily
close by translating D_0 through the woods [5].)


2 Theoretical Physics Methods
-----------------------------
2.1 The Dirac method
--------------------

We assert that wild deers can ipso facto not be observed in the woods.
Therefore, if there are any deers at all in the woods, they are tame.
We leave catching a tame deer as an exercise to the reader.

2.2 The Schroedinger method
---------------------------

At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the deer being in
the cage.  Sit and wait.

2.3 The nuclear physics method
------------------------------

Insert a tame deer into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange
operator [6] on it and a wild deer.

As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's
sake) a male deer.  We insert a tame female deer into the cage and
apply the Heisenberg exchange operator [7], exchanging spins.

2.4 A relativistic method
-------------------------

All over the woods we distribute deer bait containing large amounts of
the companion star of Sirius.  After enough of the bait has been eaten
we send a beam of light through the woods.  This will curl around the
deer so it gets all confused and can be approached without being
alerted to our presence.

2.5 The Newton method
-----------------

Neglect friction and the deer and the cage will attract each other.


3 Experimental Physics Methods
------------------------------

3.1 The thermodynamics method
-----------------------------

We construct a semi-permeable membrane which lets everything but deers
pass through.  This we drag through the woods.

3.2 The atomic fission method
-----------------------------

We irradiate the woods with slow neutrons.  The deer becomes
radioactive and starts to disintegrate.  Once the disintegration
process is progressed far enough the deer will be unable to resist.

[1] After Hilbert, cf. E. W. Hobson, "The Theory of Functions of a Real
Variable and the Theory of Fourier's Series" (1927), vol. 1, pp 456-457
[2] H. Seifert and W. Threlfall, "Lehrbuch der Topologie" (1934), pp 2-3
[3] According to the Picard theorem (W. F. Osgood, Lehrbuch
derFunktionentheorie, vol 1 (1928), p 178) it is possible to catch
every deer except for at most one.
[4] N. Wiener, "The Fourier Integral and Certain of itsl Applications"
(1933), pp 73-74
[5] N. Wiener, ibid, p 89
[6] cf e.g. H. A. Bethe and R. F. Bacher, "Reviews of Modern Physics", 8
(1936), pp 82-229, esp. pp 106-107
[7] ibid "
%
*Warning: somewhat very vulgar.

The Urinal List

Next time you go to the public toilets (mens) you may
observe one of the following types of vistors:

 Excitable Type:     Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips
                     pants in anger.

 Sociable Type:      Joins pals for a piss whether he wants one or
                     not.

 Timid Type:         Cannot piss if anyone is watching, pretends
                     he has been and sneaks back later.

 Nosy Type:          Peeps over partition to have a look at the
                     other fellow's tool.

 Indifferent Type:   All urinals being occupied, uses sink.

 Clever Type:        Pisses without holding tool, shows off by
                     adjusting tie at the same time, pisses on
                     foot.

 Vain Type:          Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.

 Absent-Minded Type: Opens jacket, takes out tie, pisses in
                     pants.

 Worried Type:       Is not quite sure what he has been up to
                     lately, makes a furtive but close inspection
                     of tool while pissing.

 Disgruntled Type:   Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries
                     to piss, fails, farts again and walks out
                     muttering.

 Conceited Type:     Holds 2-inch dick like a baseball bat while
                     pissing.

 Sneaky Type:        Farts while pissing and looks at the guy next
                     to him.

 Sloppy Type:        Pisses on shoe, walks out with flies undone,
                     adjusts himself ten minutes later.

 Learned Type:       Reads a book or newspaper while pissing.

 Childish Type:      Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while
                     pissing.

 Efficient Type:     Waits until has to shit and does both at the
                     same time.

 Strong Type:        Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops.

 Embarrassed Type:   Covers tool with both hands and pisses
                     through fingers.

 Cock-Eyed Type:     Stands in one cubical and pisses in next one.

 Drunken Type:       Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and
                     pisses in trousers.

 Clean Type:         Wash tools after pissing to keep clean.
%
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
thought of.
		-- Burt Bacharach
%
At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
		-- J.B. White
%
* Warning: coarse language

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow 
and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's 
bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to 
watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. 

"Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said the little boy. 

After a while the boy came into the living where his father was 
talking with some friends. "Say, Pop," said the boy. "Yes," 
replied his father. 

"The bull just fucked the brown cow." 

There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said 
"Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use 
language like that in front of company. You should say 'The 
bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me 
when the bull surprises the white cow." 

The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy 
came in and said, "Hey, Daddy." 

"Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?" 

"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!"
%
* Warning: cruel, coarse language

A man found his wife in bed with the next door neighbour. He shoved
him against the wall and aimed his shotgun at his testicles."I'm gonna
blow your goddamn balls off you asshole!"
  "Come on! I'm a sitting duck! Gimme a sporting chance willya?"
  "Alright! Swing 'em!"
%
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the
airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If
you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride
will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride.

After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to
congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed
when my wife fell out."
%
What did Michael Jackson say to OJ Simpson ?

"Don't worry,I'll take care of the kids."
%
* Warning: morbid

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill.
After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the 
examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news.  You're dying and you don't have 
much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible.   How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10.." says the doctor. "10?  10 what?  Months?  Weeks?  What?!" he asks
desperately. "10...9...8...7..."
%
Man's ages:

1. Tri weekly
2. Try weekly
3. Try weakly
%
Wampire to female teacher: "See you next period".
%
*Warning: obscene

Two friends were standing next to each other in the Lavatory.

On looking down Bob noticed that Tom and a remarkably large organ.
unable to keep himself from looking he congratulated him on having
such a fine specimen.

Tom replied that it had not always been so and that its size had only
been achieved through much pain and suffering.

Intrigued, Bob asked to be let in on the secret.

'Well' said Tom, 'each night when I go home I remove it from my
trousers, slam it against the front door, beat it against the wall
several times, run upstairs while banging it against the hand rail and
then I give the wife a good seeing to.'

Intrigued by this Bob decides to try it himself. So on returning home
he removes his own from his trousers bangs it against the door, beats
it on the wall several times and then runs upstairs banging it on the
hand rail.

Just as he is about to spring into the bedroom his wife calls out...

'Is that you again Tom.'
%
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they
take them off."
  -Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the
Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
%
A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal,
the waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement
of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!" and he actually
did.

The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:

        "JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY."
%
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We
are the president."
  -Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
%
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots
and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is
to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for
the killings? The killers are to blame."
 -Former U.S.  Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues
  behind the Los Angeles Riots
%
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and 
a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. 
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
%
A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's best friend, when 
all of a sudden the telephone rings.  She answers. After hanging up 
she says, "That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for 
awhile.   He's playing cards with you."
%
A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from the 
inside of the apartment.  He walks inside only to find his wife on the 
floor of the living room naked.  Wife yells, "Help, Help, I am having 
a heart attack",  the husband runs in the other room to call the doctor 
when one of his kids run up to him and says, "Daddy, Daddy, there is 
a naked man in the closet!"  Husband opens the closet door and sees 
his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, G-d damn it!  My wife is having 
a heart attack, and here you are trying to scare the kids"!!!
%
Lord John to his driver:
James, drive off the cliff. I want to commit suicide.
%     
Q: What do a puppy dog and a near-sighted gynecologist have in common?
A: a wet nose
%
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's 
nobody home. I went over.  Nobody was home.
%
A famous mathematician was to give a keynote speech at a
conference.  Asked for an advance summary, he said he would present a
proof of Fermat's Last Theorem -- but they should keep it under their
hats.  When he arrived, he spoke on a much more prosaic topic.  
Afterwards the conference organizers asked why he said he'd
talk about the theorem and then didn't.  He replied this was his
standard practice, just in case he was killed on the way to the
conference.
%
If it weren't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
%
The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he/she fills out
a job application form.
%     
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.  Just the 
other night she called me from a hotel.
%
Jack goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray
glasses. He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual,
the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.

On his way home, Jack puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He
sees every one in the street naked.  He takes them off for a moment,
and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...
everyone is naked! "Cool"

As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife
but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and
the postman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are
still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.  Jack
then says: "Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're
already broken!".
%
Subject: "It's me or the iguana," she said. "The Iguana," he replied
Newsgroups: clari.world.europe.eastern
Organization: Copyright 1997 by Agence France-Presse
  	  				 
   BUCHAREST, Nov 19 (AFP) - Lizards don't often bust up marriages,  
but big Tilda the iguana did. 
   It was hardly surprising. A full 1.5 metres (about five feet)  
long, Tilda's favourite pastime was to climp atop the wardrobe and 
then leap right down on to the bed of her master and mistress. 
   That was before Geta Iordache walked out on husband Calin after  
20 years of marriage when he opted for the reptile rather than his 
wife. 
   Now Calin, 40, who poured out his troubles to the daily Curentul  
newspaper Wednesday is heart-broken. 
   Unemployed, he said he spent all his savings to buy the lizard.  
"It was the best gift I ever gave Geta. I hoped she would adopt 
Tilda but she walked out instead." He described the reptile as being 
"playful but obedient." 
%
Newsgroups: clari.world.europe.eastern
Date: Fri, 21 Nov 1997 17:22:33 PST
Organization: Copyright 1997 by Agence France-Presse ** via ClariNet **
  	  				 
   BUCHAREST, Nov 21 (AFP) - Romanian police said Friday they  
arrested four persons in Bucharest trying to peddle 380 grams of 
uranium pellets. 
   The two Romanians and two Moldavians were arrested in the act  
Thursday as they offered to sell 100 grams of uranium 235 in a 
restaurant in the heart of Bucharest, police said. 
   The asking price was 30,000 dollars per gram (.035 ounces), or  
11.4 million dollars for the lot, they said. 
   They said the rest of the highly radioactive substance was found  
at the suspects' Bucharest home. 
   No details were given about the prospective clients.  
%
I: Ce are patru picioare si o mana?
R: Un bull-terrier care vine de la joaca.
%
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

%
	"How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
social climber said to her roommate.  "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
full of money before."
%
90% of the work takes 90% of the time.
The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
%
A man went to the dentist's, his wife by his side. When they arrived
at the office, he told her to sit in the waiting room: "I'll only be a
few minutes", he assured her.

So the guy goes in, and says to the dentist, "How much will it cost if
you administer the nitrous oxide, and pull the tooth?" The dentist
replies, "That would be 75 dollars." The guy winces, and says, "Oh,
that's far too expensive.  How 'bout if you use that novocaine, and go
in and pull that tooth?" The dentist says, "25 dollars." "That's a
little better," says the guy, "but still more than I want to pay. How
'bout if you just take them pliers, and just go right in and pull the
tooth?" "Five dollars", comes the dentist's reply. "That's fine", says
the man, "We'll do it that way."

He gets up from the chair, opens the door to the waiting room, and
says to his wife, "Come on in, honey, the dentist is ready for you!"
%
*Warning: loose morality; sex

I have 3 girls coming over tonight.  I never had 3 girls at once,
I need something to keep me potent."

So the pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom
drawer and takes out a small black cardboard box marked with an
"X" and says "Here, if you eat this you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"

The guy says "gimmee 3 boxes".

Next day, same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the
same pharmacist and pulls down his pants.  The pharmacist looks in
horror as he notices the man's dick is black   blue, the skin's
hanging off in places.  The man says "gimmee a bottle of
Absorbine Jr."

To which the pharmacist replies "ABSORBINE JR.?  You're not going
to put ABSORBINE JR. on that are you?"

The guy says, "No it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up".
%
                        How Men Really Think

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know
which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see
how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money.  She
gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and
tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you
because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I
bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the
rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future
because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent
the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.
%
	   GLOSSARY FOR RESEARCH PAPERS:  Strictly Speaking

THEY WRITE                                      THEY MEAN

It has long been known that...                  I haven't bothered to look up
                                                the original reference

...of great theoretical and practical           ...interesting to me
importance                                              

While it has not been possible to               The experiments didn't work
provide definite answers to these               out, but I figured I could at 
questions.					least get a publication out 
						of it.

The W-Pb system was chosen as 		        The fellow in the next lab had
especially suitable to show the                 some already made up
predicted behavior...

High purity...                                  Composition unknown except
Very high purity...                             for the exaggerated claims of
Extremely high purity...                        the supplier
Super-purity...
Spectroscopically pure...

A fiducial reference line...                    A scratch

Three of the samples were                       The results of the others 
chosen for detailed study...			didn't make sense and were 
				                ignored..

...handled with extreme care during             ...not dropped on the floor
the experiments

Typical results are shown...                    The best results are shown...

Although some detail has been lost              It is impossible to tell from 
in reproduction, it is clear from the           the  micrograph
original micrograph that...

Presumably at longer times...                   I didn't take the time to find 
						out

The agreement with the predicted                fair
curve is excellent

good                                             poor

satisfactory                                     doubtful

fair                                             imaginary

...as good as could be expected                  non-existent

These results will be reported at                I might get around to this
a later date                                     sometime

The most reliable values are those               He was a student of mine
of Jones

It is suggested that...
It is believed that...                           I think...
It may be that...

It is generally believed that....                I have such a good objection 
						 to this answer that I shall 
						 now raise it.

It is clear that much additional                 I don't understand it
work will be required before a
complete understanding...

Unfortunately, a quantitative theory            Neither does anybody else
to account for these effects has not
been formulated

Correct within an order of magnitude            Wrong

It is to be hoped that this work                This paper isn't very good but
will stimulate further work in the field	neither are any of the others
						on this miserable subject

Thanks are due to Joe Glotz for                 Glotz did the work and Doe
assistance with the experiments and             explained what it meant.
to John Doe for valuable discussions.
%
* Warning: religious material

The phone rings in heaven. St Peter answers, "Hello? Yes..yes..yes,
just a moment." Putting his hand over the receiver, he continues,
"God, it's the Pope; he wants to discuss women in the clergy again."
God, tired of the Pope and his problems, says, "Look, there are
millions of people praying right now, I'm trying to plan Armageddon,
tell him I'm just not available." "Of course," St Peter replys.
Removing his hand from the phone, he says to the Pope,
"She's not available right now..."
%
I've heard a good number of very valid reasons for drinking beer, but
the one that takes the cake is called the "Buffalo Theory". It
originated in America and goes something like this:

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and
when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the
back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the
regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills
off  brain cells,but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. 
%
When Development Engineers go out together on a week-end they talk about
football.

When middle management are together, they talk about tennis.

Top management discusses golf.

Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls
are.
%
Met this guy in a bar; says:
- Hi, dude.  Do you have pictures with your wife nude?
- Nope. 
- Would you buy some?
%
If a man speaks in a forest and no woman is around to hear him - is he
still wrong?
%
Gorilla in a business suit walks into a bar, slaps down
a $20 bill, and asks for a martini, straight up with an olive. The
bartender panics and runs in back shouting " Boss, Boss! There's a
gorilla in a business suit at the bar. He slapped down a $20 and asked
for a martini. What should I do?" Boss says " Give it to him, but only
give him back $10 change. After all, what's a gorilla gonna know?"

So the bartender goes back out, makes the martini, takes the 20 and
gives back $10 change. Gorilla finishes the drink and asks for
another. The bartender repeats the scenario, and takes the $10 bill.

Gaining a little courage now, the bartender leans casually across the
bar and says "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."

The gorilla looks back at him for a minute, while sucking his olive
and replies "At $10 a martini, I can see why not."
%
As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
variable."
%
Microsoft announces complete year 2000 solution.
Delivery expected in 2004.
%
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the
situation.
%
* Warning: religious material

Why God Never Received Tenure at any University:

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refered journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human
   subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the 
    subjets.
11. When subjets didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the
    sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his
    tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
%
A mathematician is a machine for converting cofee into theorems.
%
"He was so narrow-minded that he could see with both eyes through a key-hole."
%
grep penduin %
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
game.  Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
along it at the water's edge.  Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.  Then, the
paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
colony and overfly it.  Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
fall over gently onto their backs.
		-- Audobon Society Magazine
%
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
that the system works.
%
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
in students.
		-- John Ciardi
%
 The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.  This
means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
 
%
A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
	She found a good way
	To combine work and play:
She sells C shells by the seashore.
%
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
getting nervous.
%
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
in God.
%
Absent, adj.:
	Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
slandered.
%
Abstainer, n.:
	A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
pleasure.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Absurdity, n.:
	A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
opinion.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
totally worthless.
%
    "Do you have any batteries?" she asked the hardware store clerk.
    "Yes, ma'am." The clerk gestures with his finger: "Can you come
this way?"
    "If I could come that way," the woman replies, "I wouldn't need
the batteries."
%
The following filler appeared in the Telegraph (London) last summer.
This isn't quite a quote because I've lost the cutting, but its as
close to verbatim as I can remember. For those not from these shores
Wimbledon Common is a large area of parkland in South London...
"Police are looking for a man who exposed himself to a woman on
Wimbledon Common yesterday. He is described as 5'10", with brown hair
and a stocky build. He is believed to be left handed."
%
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline -- it
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons,
but at the very least you need a beer.
	-- Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk.  That will teach you to keep
your mouth shut.
	-- Ernest Hemmingway

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
	-- Catherine Zandonella

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
	-- David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking class.
	-- Oscar Wilde

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
	-- Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes
beer shoot out your nose.
	-- Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer.   Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
	-- Dave Barry

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like
to pee alot.
	-- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen,
for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in
beer.
	-- Dave Barry
%
*NEWSFLASH*

CIVIL WAR IN C-LAND

	Main().  A bloody civil war has broken out in the Stdio province
of C-land between rival factions of functions.  The situation between the
functions that put the FILE* first and the ones that put the FILE* last
had been tense for years.  Apparently, the present outbreak of hostilities
was caused by an argument between a group of unemployed Fsetpos's and a
band of Putc's over a misplaced argument.  Major fighting broke out when
the Fprintf and Fwrite warlords sided up with their respective allies.
	So far, the principal victims of the conflict have been the
neutral parties: a gang of Fgets's and Fread's armed with volatile
pointers and float arrays is said to have massacred a village of Fflush's,
while a company of Ftell and Rewind soldiers were tried and shot for
treason and espionage when they refused to follow their Fseek officer's
orders, reliable sources say.
	The civilian population, consisting mainly of FILE*'s, are
terrified, and most of them are afraid to come out of their structs.  At
present, only the Setvbuf and Setbuf militias have not joined in the
fighting, although it is reported that buffering has been refused to
Fread, Fwrite, Fgets and Fputs requests.  Even some Putc's have received
_IONBF for an answer.
	It is feared that the conflict might spread to the central
provinces and the capital, where there are many relatives of the
Printf/Scanf family on the one side, and of the Put/Get family on the
other (the country's President, HelloWorld\n, is himself a Printf).
Unrest has also begun to spread across the IOStream into neighbouring
C++-land, where young << and >> workers have gone on strike, refusing to
do anything but bit shifting, "like our fathers did," as one spokes-<<
said.
%
According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
dies.
%
Jon Snow:  "In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?"
Expert: "Er, yes." (Channel 4 News)
%
"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no
different to any other."  (John Sleightholme - BBC1)
%
"If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to
score a goal."  (Jimmy Hill - BBC)
%
"Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy - four very different
names."  (Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3)
%
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field."  (Metro Radio Sports Commentary)
%
Listener: "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial 
leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day."
Simon Fanshawe: "How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?"
(Talk Radio)
%
Interviewer: "So did you see which train crashed into which train
first?"
15-year-old: "No, they both ran into each other at the same time."
(BBC Radio 4)
%
Presenter (to palaeontologist): "So what would happen if you mated the
woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?"

Expert: "Well in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a
mule, we'd get a sort of half-mammoth.

Presenter: "So it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla?"

Expert: "Er, well yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks."  (GLR)
%
Grand National winning jockey Mick Fitzgerald: "Sex is an anti-climax
after that!"

Desmond Lynam: "Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everyone
saw that."  (BBC)
%
"According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to
live in America is the city of Pittsburgh.  The city of New York came
in twenty-fifth.  Here in New York we really don't care too much.
Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime."
		-- David Letterman
%
Admiration, n.:
	Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
                 Gates-McNealy Frisbee News

                       Author Unknown 

Bill Gates and Scott McNealy were playing a friendly game of Frisbee at
the Gates' estate on the shore of Lake Washington. At one point, Bill
accidentally sends the Frisbee over Scott's head, and the Frisbee lands
in the lake. Scott walks out onto the surface of the lake and retrieves
the Frisbee. 

The next day the newspapers report: 

                       GATES' THROW EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS

                             Sun CEO Unable to Swim
%
Adolescence, n.:
	The stage between puberty and adultery.
%
Adore, v.:
	To venerate expectantly.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
		-- Sinclair Lewis
%
Two little boys were engaging in the time honored tradition
of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world.

"My Father is better than your Father!"

"No, he's not!"

"My brother is better than you brother!"

"He is not!  He is not!!!"

"My Mother is better than your Mother!"

A long pause ensued...

"Well, I guess ya got me there.  I've heard my
father say the same thing more than once."
%
After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?  Surely not
for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have
simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
		-- P. J. O'Rourke
%
Afternoon, n.:
	That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
morning.
%
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but
is always polite to traffic cops.
%
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
		-- Woody Allen
%
			Pittsburgh driver's test
10: Potholes are
	a) extremely dangerous.
	b) patriotic.
	c) the fault of the previous administration.
	d) all going to be fixed next summer.
The correct answer is b.
Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
are larger than the cars.  If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
you have nothing to worry about.
%
Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
	(1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
	    sawhorse.
	(2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
	(3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
	    perfectly balanced.
	(4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
		-- Robert Burns
%
Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
	(1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
	    straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
	    force is technically termed "car suck").
	(2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
	    than "Watch this!"
%
"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."
		-- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
%
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
I'll be home in twenty minutes.

Why does Bill's limousine have a sunroof?
More leg room

Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
To keep his ankles warm.

How did 500 women sampled at random respond when asked if they would
have sex with Bill Clinton?
86% responded "Not again!"

President Clinton, what do you want to do about this abortion bill?
He replies, "I guess...pay it!"

How does Hillary feel?
She may be the FIRST LADY, but she won't be the LAST.

What advice did Yasar Arafat give President Clinton in their meeting
on January 22, 1998?  
"Bill....Goats don't talk!!"

President Clinton said to Monica, "I didn't tell you to lie in
deposition ...  
I told you to lie in THAT POSITION!"

Don't feel sorry for Monica......
She'll be back "on her knees" in no time!

Most people are concerned about AIDS when having sex . .
Clinton is concerned about aides who WILL have sex.

Why does Bill Clinton wish he was like Ted Kennedy?
Because Kennedy has an ex-wife and a dead girlfriend.
%
Dear Dr Ruth,

I'm writing to tell you my problem,  It seems I have been married
to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless
of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing
E-Mail on AOL, etc.  I would like to know if there is anything that
ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld
mpskdli  dlks; a;ld ;;'
cinsely ous
mdyl
%
			Pittsburgh driver's test
7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
   but a steady left tail light.
	a) One of the tail lights is broken.  You should blow your
	   horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
	b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
	c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
	d) The driver is from out of town.
The correct answer is d.
Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
%
Colvard's Logical Premises:
	All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will happen or it
	won't.

Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
	This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
	attracted to.

Grelb's Commentary
	Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
%
Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device that
would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
maneuver.  Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY
UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
RIGHT?  AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
RIGHT???  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
		-- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
%
Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems
theory.
%
Expert, n.:
	Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
%
Death to all fanatics!
%
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
close to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full
and bushy.  "Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face
with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies. 

"Can you get him for me -- I need to speak to him?" she asks, running
her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. 

"Is there anything I can do?" 

"Yes there is.  I need you to give him a message" she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him
to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies."
%
In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of
stairs.
%
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.
%
* Warning: coarse

The other day, my friends and I went to this Gentleman's' Club. One of
my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The dancer
came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt.
Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the
girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek. Now the
attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my
wallet, thought for a minute.....then the banker in me took over. I got
out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and
went home.
%
* Warning: politics

Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished,
she asked her gynecologist how things looked.  He said he was pleased
and  that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant! She told
the doctor  there was no way, but he said that she most definitely
was a month pregnant.  Well, she stormed out of the office and went
to the receptionist and took the phone and called the white house.

When the  operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she
wanted to talk  to Bill right away. Well they rang the oval office
and Bill answered.

Hillary said:  "Do you know what you did you rotten bastard?
You got me pregnant!!!"

The President remained silent.

Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN
BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!"

Finally Bill answered, "Who is this???"
%
        A photographer from a well known national magazine was 
assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.  The 
magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire 
fighters as they battled the blaze.
        When the photographer arrived, he realized the smoke 
was so thick it would seriously impede or make it impossible 
for him to photograph anything from ground level.  He requested 
permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air.  His 
request was approved and arrangements were made.  He was told 
to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting 
for him.
        He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up 
near the gate.  He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's 
go!"  The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within 
minutes they were in the air.  The photographer said, "Fly over 
the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some 
pictures."
        "Why?" asked the pilot.  "Because I am a photographer," 
he responded, "and photographers take photographs."
        The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, 
"You mean you're not the flight instructor?
%
There are two rules for success in life: 

Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know. 
%
There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the store when
a cowboy rode up.  He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around
behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on its
rectum.  One of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did
you do THAT?" To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."
Confused, the woman continued, "Does that make them feel better?"
"No, but it stops me from licking them!"
%
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
%
* warning: somewhat gross

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some
minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend
stopped by to see how the guy was doing.

The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who
entered the room in short intervals with refreshments,
offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs,
etc.  "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked.  "You
look fine to me."

"I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda
formed a little fan club when they all heard that my 
circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."
%
* Don't be offended by ethnic references

An American, oil-drilling company was erecting new offshore platorms in
total isolation. Their industrial psychologist was concerned about the
effect this might have on the crew. it was therefore decided to test the
reactions of three men. An Englishmen, an American and the inevitable
Irishman were selected and told to pick out their favourite leisure gear
to help them cope with the next three months completely on their own in
the middle of the ocean.

        The American turned up with a suitcase, the Englishman with five
huge plastic bags and the irishman with only his hands in his pockets.

        The industrial psychologist was, naturally, very curious.  The
American explained that he was taking his Linguaphone records and books to
learn languages.  The Englishman said he had 5000 golf balls to improve
his game. Then they quizzed the irishman who produced a packet of tampons
from his pocket, reading aloud from the label:  "With this you can go
swimming, scuba diving, aerogliding, dancing and do aerobics."
%
"Nobody will ever need more than 640k RAM!"
                           -- Bill Gates, 1981
"Windows 95 needs at least 8 MB RAM."
                           -- Bill Gates, 1996
"Nobody will ever need Windows 95."
                           -- logical conclusion
%
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a 
young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was
to try counseling.  They had been at each other's throat for some time
and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the
counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor
for discussion.  

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long
face down without anything to say.  On the other hand, the wife began
talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their
marriage.  After 5 -- 10 -- 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the
counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her
passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards,
the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the  husband who was staring in disbelief at what had
happened.  The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at
least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on
Tuesdays and Thursdays."
%
Westheimer's Discovery:
	A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
couple of hours in the library.
%
        An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit 
the president.  When he arrived at the airport, a host of 
newsmen and television cameramen met him.  One of the reporters 
asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight.
        The chief made a series of weird noises...."screech, 
scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-"...and then added in 
perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight."
        Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the
Washington Monument while you're in the area?"
        The chief made the same noises..."screech, scratch, 
honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z"...and then said, "Yes, and I also 
plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building."
        "Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" 
asked the next reporter.
        The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, 
whistle, z-z-z-z...from the shortwave radio."
%
Dear Councilor,

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era
deserter from the U. S. Marines.  My mother peddles Nazi literature to
Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years
for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.

The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my
$500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny "The
Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid
sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful,
sweetest girl in the world.  She is just sweet sixteen, and we are
going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.

But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on
hers.  In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my
cousin who works for Microsoft?
%
* May not match your preferences, or mine

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and
says "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The
bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me
'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain
spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Carlsberg sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender
is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask: "Why aren't you
drinking a Carlsberg?" and the Carlsberg president replies: "Well, if you
guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
%
	Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of
bored after dinner one night.  He decided to hold a contest of who at the
court had the mightiest "weapon".  The first knight stood up and proclaimed
that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5
pound weight around it.  The weapon doth rose.  The crowds cheered... the
women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band
played appropriate music.
	Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon.
He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself.  The weapon doth
rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved
multi-colored banners...  and the band played appropriate music.
	After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...  the
King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffe pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
The crowds cheered...  the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
%
A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut.  As he
snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"

The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.

"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded
dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome!  So how ya
getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," the man replies.

"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old,
their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late!  So where
you staying in Rome?"

The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."

"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city!  The
rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced!
So whatcha doing when you get there?"

The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the
Pope."

"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying
to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on THIS
trip.  You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut.  Joe says,
"Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out?  Betcha TWA gave you the
worst flight of your life!"

"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time
in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us
up to first class.  The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a
beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and
foot!"

"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."

"No, quite the opposite!  They'd just finished a $25 million
remodeling.  It's the finest hotel in Rome, now.  They were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for
no extra charge!"

"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"

"Actually, we were quite lucky.  As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to
personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand.  I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"

"Oh, not much really.  Just 'Where'd you get that awful haircut?'"
%
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to
St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry
for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden
staff and to proceed into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching
these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. 
Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows
his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe
and wooden staff."
The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. 
You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate
higher than a cabby."
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in
results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his
taxi, people prayed." 
%
So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole 
to get some water for cooking dinner.  As he was dipping the bucket 
in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him.  He dropped the bucket 
and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny.
"There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny.  He's been there for 
a few years now, and he's never hurt no one.  Why, he's probably as 
scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Gramma,"  replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of 
him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
%
A businessman taking a seminar on efficiency completed a case study of 
his wife's routine for fixing breakfast, and presented the results to
the class.

"After a few days of observation, I quickly determined the practices
that were robbing her of her precious time and energy," the man
reported, "taking note of how many trips she made from the kitchen 
to the dining room carrying just one item, I suggested that in the 
future she carry several items at a time."

"Did it work?", the teacher asked.

"It sure did," replied the businessman, "instead of taking her 20
minutes to fix my breakfast, it now takes me just seven."
%
A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip. Upon 
arriving,he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application.

The border official looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist
trying to write 'Twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.

The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this
question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."

"Doesn't matter," the tourist answers.
%
An 80-year-old man goes to a doctor for a check-up.  The doctor tells him,
"You're in terrific shape.  There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might
live forever.  By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 80-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor couldn't believe it!  So he said, "Well, how old was your
grandfather when he died?

The 80-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished.  He said, "You mean to tell me you are 80 years
old and both your father and your grandfather are both alive?"

"Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 126 years old, and
next week he is getting married for the first time."

The doctor said, "After 126 years of being a bachelor why on earth did your
grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
%
Two guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment:
the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even
a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.  The
same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.  It goes
on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of
the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really
depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that
this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch 
any more!" 
%
Budget Constraints

Travel Policy Effective Immediately

Due to budgetary constraints, the following policies are established
regarding employee business travel.

1.  TRANSPORTATION: Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel;
luminescent vests will be issued (only one per group) prior to
departure.  Bus transportation may be considered when hitchhiking
is not possible.  Airline tickets will only be issued in extreme
circumstances (greater than 24 hour driving time); employee will
fly in standby status.  If standby travel becomes available to
another location, then the employee must conduct all business at
that other destination.  Rental cars are certainly authorized and
encouraged, but will be at the employee's expense.  Note that rental
cars can be used as lodging.  Transportation time to and from
location that exceeds 12 hours must be logged as vacation.

2.  LODGING: All employees are encouraged to stay with friends,
relatives, or mere acquaintances.  A list of catchy introductory
phrases is available in the office so that names can be selected
at random from a phone book in the chance that someone will take
you in.  Up to three dollars may be charged on your expense report
(receipts required) for all phone calls (local calls only) made to
total strangers for this purpose.  Public areas such as parks,
roadside rests, bridges, and tunnels may be used for temporary
lodging.  Boxes may be obtained from shipping for shelter.  Consider
getting arrested for overnight lodging (see MEALS).

3.  MEALS: Dieting and fasting are encouraged on business trips.
The office is well aware of the grocery chains that provide "free
samples" of promotional items, (such as small bits of cheese and
kielbasa) and will not provide reimbursements for meals consumed
within a 25 mile radius of such groceries.  The office also has
literature on indigenous roots, berries and other natural food
sources at your destination, based on seasonal changes. Meal expenses
are not authorized when staying with friends, relatives, mere
acquaintances, or total strangers (see LODGING).  If restaurants
must be utilized, travelers must patronize those that advertise
"all you can eat" salad bars; ask for a doggie bag, and don't forget
to take all of the crackers and sugars that you can carry.  This
method can be used to feed co-travelers, and to cover all three
meals in a day for one individual. The office will not reimburse
bail bond for larceny (see LODGING) even if the employee in good
faith tried to get arrested to save the company money. On airplanes,
ask for extra bags of peanuts from the attendant, or grab them from
the meal cart or from small children.  Employees are encouraged to
take along Spam, tuna, peanut butter, and bread, all of which can
be consumed without the need for heating or other costly preparation
methods.  Beverage expenses will be reimbursed if the employee
justifies why water was not available.
%
The obvious mathematical breakthrough [to break modern encryption]
would be development of an easy way to factor large prime numbers.
	--Bill Gates from "The Road Ahead," p. 265.

(For the non-mathematicians: a number is called "prime" if and only if
it can _not_ be factored, because it is only divisible by 1 and itself)
%
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for 
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.    

- Rita Rudner
%
A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO .  It is the best
and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old
man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks,
"What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half
million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked.  "Why does it cost
so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude
proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning
back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all
right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what
his car can do.  He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer
reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view  mirror.  It
seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it  could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh!
Something whips by him, going  much faster!  "What on earth could be
going faster than my Ferrari?!"   the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot cooming  toward him. Whoooooosh!  It
goes by again, heading the opposite  direction!  And it almost  looked
like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM!
It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young
man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!!  Of course, the moped and the
old man are hurting for certain.  He runs up to the dying old man and
says, "You're badly hurt!  Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man moans and replies, "Yes,  Unhook my suspenders from your
side-view mirror!"
%
        Two experienced fishermen went ice-fishing.   They chopped holes
in the ice about twenty-five feet apart, put worms on their hooks,
dropped their lines in the water, and got nary a nibble.   This went on
for several hours, but no luck.  Mid afternoon, a school boy arrived,
walked confidently onto the ice, and chopped his hole between those of
the two men, and caught fish after fish.
        The men were amazed, and finally one approached the boy and
asked, "Tell me, young man, what's your secret?"
        The boy replied,"Mmmm yymmm mmms wmmm."
        "What's that?" asked the man.  "Say it again, please."
        The boy: "Mmmm yymmm mmms wmmm."
        The man:  "I'm sorry.  I just can't understand you.  Would you
speak a little more clearly?"
        At that, the boy cupped his palms, spat a large amount of
substance into them, and said clearly, "Keep your worms warm."
%
They think they can make fuel from horse manure...  Now I don't 
know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, 
but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.   

- Billie Holliday
%
* Warning: sick

A man telephones his office and says, "Sorry, I can't come into
work today, I'm sick."

"How sick are you?" asks his boss. "Well," he replies, "I'm in bed
with my sister."
%
        The two men stood on the lonely lighthouse.  Through the 
fog they could see a small boat making its way toward them, with 
a lonely occupant.  Suddenly a squall lifted the craft and tossed 
the man into the water.  The two men on shore sprang into action.  
Hurriedly they launched their own craft and fought their way 
through perilous and treacherous waters to reach the man.  At last 
they got him aboard their boat.
        "It's a good thing you rescued me," the dripping man said
gratefully.  "I was coming out to see you about your income tax."
%
Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil  Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
%
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing
interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental
and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that
night at dinner, she does.

About a week later she's back at the doctor.

She says, "Doc, the pill worked great!!  I put it in the potatoes like
you said! It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food
and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages
me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that
strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

"Naah... ", she says, "that's okay.  We aren't going back to that 
Restaurant anyway."
%
"Your honor, " explained the young man, "I'd like to get
married, please."
 
"All right, what is your age?"

"I'm 22, sir."
 
"And the age of the bride?"
 
"She's 15, sir."
 
"15???  That's too young -- marrying you would be against the
law!"
 
"I see, " said the young man.  "Could you try explaining that to
the fella next to her with the shotgun?"
%
Three guys are playing golf early on a Sunday morning.  Ahead of them is a
guy playing, and playing well, all by himself. As they all finished the
round the threesome went to the single player and asked if he'd like to join
them and make a foursome.
"Sure, said the player, I'll see you Sunday at 8 maybe 8:15."
Well next week the foursome got together at 8 and the new golfer in the
group shot left-handed and scorched the course with a 75. After the round
they all went to have something to eat and agreed to play as a foursome the
next Sunday. "You OK for next Sunday?" the three asked their new partner. He
said "Sure, see you at 8 maybe 8:15"
The next week they showed up and hit the course at 8 and the new golfer shot
right-handed and blew them all away with a 74.
Afterward they all went to get something to eat when one of the group asked
"You're incredible last week as a lefty and just as good this week as a
nightie, what is it that makes you decide to shoot right or left?" The
golfer looked them in the eye and said "My wife." Well the group was
puzzled.
He went on to say "I look at my wife as soon as I get up every morning and
if she is on her right side I shoot right, if she's on her left side I shoot
left."
The wise guy of the group said, "What if she's laying on her back?"
"Then maybe I'll see you at 8:15."
%
Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating
that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between
boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with
Johnny about this."   Johnny's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to
her bedroom, and closed the door.   She said, "First, Johnny, I want you to
take off my blouse."  Little Johnny unbuttoned her blouse and took it off.  
She continued, "Now take off my skirt."  He removed her skirt.   "Take off my
bra..." which he did.   "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties."  When
Johnny had finished removing his mother's panties, she said, "Johnny, PLEASE
don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
%
        One thing Larry says about his wife, she's a very neat
housekeeper.  If he drops his socks on the floor, she picks them up.
If he throws his clothes around, she hangs them up.  Larry got up at
three o'clock the other morning and went in the kitchen to get a 
glass of orange juice.  He came back and found the bed made.
%
One day, a scotsman went playing golf. After standing a while on the
green he asked the boy standing beside him:

"You are my caddie for today?"

"Yes," answered the boy.

"You are good in finding lost balls?"

"Oh yes, I find every lost ball!"

"Ok, boy, then run and search for one, then we can start!"
%
        A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row 
of a movie theater.   As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher 
came over and said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three
seats.  Didn't you learn any manners?  Where did you come from?"
        The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"
%
A ten year old boy was failing math.  His parents tried everything from
tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail.  Finally, at  the insistence of a
family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic
school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in
after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his
face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly
closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn
about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat,
and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room,
closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first
quarter report card.  The boy walked in with his report
card-unopened-laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.
Cautiously, his mother opened it and to her amazement, she saw a bright
red "A" under the subject of MATH.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at
his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father
asked.

The boy only shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it theone-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No." 

"The textbooks?  The teachers?  The curriculum?"

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in
the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,'
I just knew they meant business!"
%
"In English," the linguistics professor instructed his class, "a
double negative forms a positive.  In some languages, though, such as
Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double
positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
%
        Farmer Brown buys twelve pigs at an auction, only to discover
that they are all female.  He immediately calls Farmer Jones to ask if
he can bring them over to mate with Farmer Jones male pigs.
        "Sure," says Farmer Jones.
        Farmer Brown gathers his twelve pigs and loads them into the
truck.   When they get to the Jones farm, the pigs jump out and spend
the rest of the day mating with the males.  Before he leaves, Farmer
Brown says. "By the way, I've never had pigs before.  How will I know if
they're pregnant?"
        "Well," says Farmer Jones, 'look for signs of unusual behavior.
That's usually how you know."
        The next morning, Farmer Brown looks out his window and sees
nothing unusual.   So he loads the pigs up and brings them to the Jones
farm again.
        The following morning, the pigs are still behaving normally, so
once again he takes them to the Jones farm.
        The next morning he feels too discouraged to look out the
window. "Honey," he says to his wife, "would you mind telling me if our
pigs are doing anything unusual?"
        "Well," she says, "eleven of them are in the back of the truck,
and the twelfth one's honking the horn."
%
Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest The first has no arms
The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.They all
line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.The
guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is
closing fast.  The head of course sank straight to the bottom.Ten
lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first.  He can still
see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had
better dive down to rescue him.  He picks up the head, swims back up
to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon
the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches
his breath and shouts: "Three fucking years I've spent learning to
swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some
fucker puts a swimming cap on me"
%
Ok, there's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink He stays like 
that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-maker truck driver steps 
next to him, and drinks what he was stearing at. The poor man starts 
crying. The truck driver says:
--Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll pay you another drink. I 
just can't see a men crying.
--No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall a 
sleep, and I get late to my job. My boss, pissed, fires me. When I leave 
the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. In the police, they 
say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave 
it, I remember I left my walet and credit cards there. The cab driver 
just runs away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed 
with the gardener. I left home, to this bar. And when I was thinking 
about geting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison...
%
intaxication, n:
	Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize
	it was your money to start with.
%
Toddler Law of Ownership
    1. If I have it, it's mine
    2. If it's in my hand, it's mine
    3. If I can take it from you, it's mine
    4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine
    5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way
    6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine
    7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine
    8. If I think it's mine, it's mine
    9. If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine
    10.If I...! Oops, wait! I've been reading Microsoft's Business Plan!
%
What did the Zen Master say to the hot-dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything".
%
A man is caught, by a forest ranger, sitting at a makeshift campfire,
and, to the ranger's horror, eating a bald eagle. The man is
consequently jailed for the crime. On the day of his trail, the
conversation goes something like this:

JUDGE: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

MAN: "Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what
happened."

JUDGE: "Proceed."

MAN: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two
weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down
at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could
maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the eagle who lighted upon a
tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he
would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened
condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his
poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what
had happened, but figured that since I'd killed it, I might as well
eat it, since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the
ground. "And that was when the good ranger found me."

JUDGE: "The court will recess while we consider your testimony."
Fifteen minutes later ...

JUDGE: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you
didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges."
The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers, "If you don't mind
my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

MAN: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe
is it's somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."
%
An explorer in the deepest Amazon jungle finds himself surrounded
by a group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says
quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm dead meat." There is a ray of
light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT
dead meat. Quickly, pick up that stone at your feet and bash in
the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer
picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the
chief.  He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and
surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock, fear, and hatred
on their faces. The voice booms out again: "Okay ... NOW you're
dead meat." 
%
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he
had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of
the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn
breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he
thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezin
under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all
free and nibbling at the lush grass.

'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just
escaped.  Are you wild rabbits?

'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted
so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked.

'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots
growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.'

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most
succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?'

'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them
as well.'

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later
completely full.  'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,'
he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We
shag them.  Go and try it.'

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little
heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the
guys.

'That was fantastic,' he panted.

'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.

'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.'

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought
you liked it here.'

'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory.
I'm dying for a cigarette.'
%
		    Political Correctness

metabolically challenged:		dead
cerebrally challenged:			stupid
chronologically gifted:			old
client of the correctional system:	prisoner
economically marginalized:		poor
follicularly challenged:		bald
melanin-impoverished:			white
motivationally dispossessed:		lazy
person of substance:			fat person
vehicle-appearance specialist:		car washer
street activity index:			crime rate
fiscally challenged institution:	bankrupt savings and loan
residentially challenged:		homeless
aesthetically challenged:		ugly
geological correction:			earthquake
%
There was a group of russian soldiers close to a high ravine. The
sergeant goes close to the edge, looks down, then turns around and says:

- Soldier Ivanov!
- Sir!
- Put yourself in this position:

   O
*-------*
|  |    |
|  |    |
|  |    *
|  |
,--------
|        |
|        |
|
|
- Yes sir!
- Now jump!
- I'm sorry!!???
- I said JUMP, soldier!
- Yes sir!, (and jumps)


The Sergeant looks down to the abyss again, thinks for a while and says:

- Soldier Pyetrov!
- Sir!
- Move a little to your left!
- Yes sir!
- Put yourself in this position:

*
|
|
|
   O  |
,-----'
| |  |
| |  |
*----'
|  |
|--|
|  |
|  |
|  `-----
|
|
|

- Yes sir!
- Now jump!
- Yes sir!, (and jumps into the void...)


Again the sergeant looks down, thinks and yells:

- Soldier Sidorov!
- Sir!
- Move yourself a little to the right and kneel! - Yes sir! - Jump!
- Yes sir!, (and jumps)

The Sergeant analyses again the situation and says:

- Soldier Strogoff!
- Sir!
- Put yourself in this position:

     O
*-----------.
|  | |
|  | |
|  | |
|  | *
,-----------.
|           |
|           |

At that moment a jeep stops. The Captain gets up and yells:

- Sergeant Tchebychevich!!!, this is the last time that I warn you! Next
time I find you playing Tetris with the soldiers I'm going to send you
to Court Martial!
%
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female
teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about
thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it
was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys
would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet,
one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys
up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed for an elementary school child.  "I guess you must be in
the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
Thanks for the lift anyhow."
%
Dan Quayle, New Gingrich and Slick Willie are traveling together
through the midwest.  A tornado comes along and wisks them away to the
land of OZ, once they realize where they are, Dan Quayle says, "I'm
going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask
for a heart." Bill Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy ?"
%
I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
front of it in only eight minutes.
%
* Warning: religions involved

     A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was
the most religious.
     "I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the
Muslim. "Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought
my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and
deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the  Almighty Allah, I
prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the
storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning
to recite the Quran by memory."
     "One day while fishing," started the Christian, "I was in my little
dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from
nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up
and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I
prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had
stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young
children about Him."
     "One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, "I was in my
most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I
saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my
hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had
come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on
Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in God, I prayed and prayed and
suddenly,... for 500 meters all around me,... it was Tuesday!"
%
Two atoms were sitting there. 

One says: "Ooops, I lost an electron!" 

They other says: "You sure about that?" 

"Yeah ... I'm positive!" 
%
A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object. She asks the
clerk, "What is that shiny object?"

The clerk replies, "That is a thermos." The blonde then asks,
"What does it do?"

The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps keeps cold
things cold."

The blonde says, "I'll take it!"

The next day, she walks into work with her new thermos.

Her blonde boss sees her and asks, "What is that shiny object you
have?" 

She said, "It's a thermos."

The boss then says, "What does it do?"

She replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"

The blonde replies, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
%
"Doc, you've gotta help me... my wife just isn't interested in
sex anymore.  Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years.  Have you ever seen me this upset?
I am desperate!  I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going
utterly to Hell!  You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this.  These are experimental, but the
tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful.  Don't give her more
than ONE, understand?  JUST one."

"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..."

"One.  No more.  In her coffee.  Okay?"

"Um... okay."

Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife has
dinner waiting.  When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to
bring dessert.  Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his
pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee.  He reflects for a
moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill.  And then he begins to
worry.  The doctor did say they were powerful.  Then an inspiration
strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with
the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with
poorly concealed anticipation.  Sure enough, a few minutes after they
finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a
strange smoky look enters her eyes.  In a deep, throaty, near-whisper,
in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says,

"I... need... a man..."

His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me...too..."

%
Two friends meet in the street.  One looked forlorn and almost on the
verge of tears.  The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the
whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you.  Three weeks ago, an uncle died
and left me forty thousand dollars."

"That's not bad."

"Hold on, I'm just getting started.  Two weeks ago, a cousin I never
knew kicked the bucket and left me eighty-five thousand free and
clear."

"I'd like that."

"Last week my grandfather passed away.  I inherited almost a quarter
of a million."

"Then how come you look so glum?"

"This week - nothing!"
%
Two men were playing golf together for the very first time.
The first player teed off & hit the ball into a clump of trees.

He finally got on the fairway, only to hit the ball into a water
hazard.  The next shot resulted in a new ball flying over a
fence onto a busy street.

The second player said, "Maybe you should use an old ball
for this next shot."

The first player looked at him and replied, "I don't have any
old balls."
%
* well... 

An guy had been drinking at a pub all night.  The bartender finally
said that the bar is closing.  So the guy stood up to leave and
fell flat on his face.  He tried to stand one more time; same
result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to
crawl the 4 blocks to his home.  When he arrived at the door he stood
up and again fell flat on his face.  He crawled through the door and
into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.  This time
he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed
and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.  He was
awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
%
Jack decides to go skiing with his buddy Bob. They load up Jack's
station-wagon and head north. After driving for a few hours, they get
caught in a terrible blizzard. They pull into a nearby farmhouse and
ask the attractive lady of the house if they can spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explains, "and I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house." 

"Not to worry," Jack says, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack gets a letter from the widow's attorney. He
calls up his friend Bob and says, "Bob, do you remember that good
looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do." 

"Did you happen to get up in the middle  of the night, go up
to the house and have sex with her?" 

"Yes, I have to admit that I did." 

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turns red and he says, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks...she just died and left me everything!"
%
Who said males choose clothes randomly?
Research has uncovered the following complex algorithm.

             The Male Guide to Selecting an Outfit
            ---------------------------------------

 ----------       -----------              -------------------
| Are there| No  | Are there | "What's a  | Are there clothes |
|clothes in|---->|clothes in |  hamper?"  | strewn in random  |
| dresser? |     |the hamper?|----------->|piles on the floor?|
 ----------       -----------              -------------------
       | Yes           | Yes                | Yes       | No
       +------------------------------------            V
       |                                               -------
       V                                              |  Buy  |
   ---------------                                    |  more |
  | Take whatever |                                   |clothes|
  |   is on top   |                                    -------
   ---------------           -------------------------
       |                     |                       |
       V                     V                       |
   --------  No           ---------                -----------
  |   Is   |------------>| Perform | "Ohmigosh"   |  Spray    |
  |   it   | Not sure    |  smell  |------------->|   with    |
  | clean? |------------>|  test   |              | deodorant |
   --------               ---------                -----------
       | Yes                | "Not bad"
       +--------------------
       |
       V
   --------------                    ---------
  |For underwear:| "Which ones are  |Will they|   "I may get
  |Are there many|   for my legs?"  |   be    |    arrested."
  |    holes?    |----------------->| visible?|--------
   --------------                    ---------         |
       | No                           | No             V
       +------------------------------            -------------
       |                                         |Place item on|
       |                                         | dirty pile; |
       |                                         | start over  |
       |                                          -------------
       V
   ---------        ------------        ----------------------
  |  Is it  | Yes  |   Do you   | Yes  | But would you rather |
  |wrinkled?|----->|really care?|----->| have a tick on your  |
   ---------        ------------       | eyeball than iron a  |
       | No              | No          | shirt?               |
       |                 |              ----------------------
       |                 |                             | Yes
       +------------------------------------------------
       |
       V
   --------   Kinda             -------          -----------
  |  Does  |------------------>| Is it |  No    | Seek the  |
  |   it   |  "Does it what?"  |  dark |------->| advice of |
  | match? |------------------>|  out? |        | a female  |
   --------                     -------          -----------
       | Yes                      | Yes
       +--------------------------
       |
       V
   ----------
  |  Put on  |
  | clothes! |
   ----------
%
     The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the
Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.  "Nothing much
Pastor." replied the one lad.  "We just seeing who can tell the
biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys!  Boys!  Boys!" he intoned.  "I'm shocked.  Why when
I was your age, I never even thought about sex at all."

"You win!"
%
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town.  Somehow he
managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the
building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to
a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring the 
fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of 
the confessional.  But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy 
silence. 

Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" 

"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got 
any toilet paper on your side?" 
%
Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to 
retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured 
a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase 
market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.

Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive
in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was 
- a picture of Christ on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for 
Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails."

The old man immediately met with his 3 sons to voice his concern. 
He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company 
could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue that ad.

A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive
when he saw the second billboard ad. There it was - - a picture 
of the same cross, empty, with Christ crumpled on the ground below... 
and the caption: "Next Time Use Moskowitz Nails."
%
        A lady told her new maid, "I declare, I can write my full 
name in the dust you've left on this piano."
        "Bless my soul," answered the maid with delight.  "It's 
sure nice to be working for a lady with education!"
%
5 Worst Things About Being a Penis:
         1. You Have a Bald Head
         2. You Have a Hole in your Head
         3. Your Roommates are Nuts
         4. Your Neighbor is an Asshole
         5. When You Get Excited, You Throw Up and Pass Out.
%
Typical sex life of a Unix geek - touch..finger..mount..coredump..umount..sleep

%
* Ethnic

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm
based in Dublin.  An American applied for the same job and both
applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by
the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but
we've decided to give the American the job"

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that?  We both got 9 questions
correct.  This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on
the question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the
other?"

Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question # 5, "I don't
know".  You put down "Neither do I ".
%
A worried father confronted his daughter one night.  "I don't like
that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid too."

"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've
only been going out nine weeks and he's already cured me of that
illness I used to get once a month."
%
A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that
he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really
love to see your handsome face."  James replied, "My wife loves
this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!"  "Oh
please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice..."Oh
really, I can't," he replies.."My wife loves this beard!!"  The
girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in.

That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was
sleeping.  The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies
"Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"
%
A man decides to have a face lift for  his  birthday. He  spends $5,000 and
feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand
and buys a paper. Before leaving he  says to the sales clerk, "I hope you
don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the
same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She  replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was
young there was a sure way of telling a man's age.  If I put my hand down
your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell
your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her
slip her hand down his pants.  Ten minutes later the old lady says,
"OK, it's done. You are 47."  Stunned the man says, "That was
brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
%
Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large
suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.

After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the
elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75
flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant
task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25
flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell
sad stories for the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At
the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in
the car!"
%
When we talk to God, it's called prayer.
When God talks back, it's called schizophrenia.
%
        Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the
estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his
foreman.  Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the
earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the landlord asked, "Didn't you 
like the muffs?...perhaps they weren't the right color?"
        The foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty."
        Why don't you wear them?"
        The foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, 
but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didn't hear him!"
%
A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that
they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside
and asks what is wrong, "Well," replied the man "when we had finished
making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put
a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend "I'm sure
your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have
been saving yourself all these years!" The groom nodded gently and said,
"I don't know if I can get over it though, she gave me $20 change!"
%
As soon as they finished making love, Susie jumped up from the bed and
started packing her suitcase.

"What on Earth are you doing ?" asked her puzzled husband.

"In Las Vegas I could get two hundred dollars for what I gave you for
free," she pointed out, "so I'm moving to Las Vegas."

This was enough to provoke her husband to jump up and begin packing
his bags.

"What're you up to?" asked Susie in surprise.

"I'm following you to Las Vegas," he replied.  "I've got to see you
live off six hundred dollars a year."
%
New York-People for Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced
today that seven more software companies have been added to the
group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software
testing.

"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that 
companies like these can market new products," said Ken Grandola, 
spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products 
are available."

According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthy
and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a time.
Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary,
and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the
software.

"It's no joke," said Grandola. "Innocent programs, from the day they
are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and "crashed" for hours on
end.  They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers,
and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore."

Grandola said the software is kept in unsanitary Windows and is
infested with bugs.

"We know that alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing 
industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become 
successful without resorting to software testing.
%
A man walks into a bar and say's to his mate :
      'I have a problem: when I was a kid I would get told off and
sent to my room, but I can't do that with my son. he has a Hi fi
system, a CD player, a telephone and a computer.'
     'So what do you do?'
     'I send him to my room'
%
Jim goes into a confessional and says "Forgive me Father, for I have
sinned, last night I had sex with a woman who is not my wife."

The Priest says "Son, I cannot grant you absolution unless you tell me
her name. Who was this woman?"
Jim says "Father, forgive me but I cannot tell you her name."

The Priest says "Was it that red-haired hussey Maureen O'Flahherty?"
"Father, forgive me but I cannot tell you her name."

The Priest says "Was it that adulterous Sheila Calhoun?"
"Father, forgive me but I cannot tell you her name."

The Priest says "Was it that brazen Mary Callaghan?"
"Father, forgive me but I cannot tell you her name."

The Priest says "Was it that wicked woman Kathleen O'Connor?"
"Father, forgive me but I cannot tell you her name."

The Priest says "Well, if you will not tell me her name, I cannot
grant you absolution. Begone!"

So Jim leaves the church and meets his friend Jonno outside.

Jonno says "Hey Jim, you're not a Catholic, surely you weren't trying to
get absolution?"

Jim says "Nah, just picking up some tips..."
%
Squiffy goes to see the doctor and tells him he has a problem with his
waterworks. When asked to explain more, Suiff drops his trousers and
shows the doctor that he has had his penis pierced. The problem is
that when he takes a leak it goes in several directions at once. The
doctor says he will recommend him to an expert and begins to write a
note.  Squiff ask if the expert in on Harley Street and the doctor
replied "No, he's a clarinet player in the London Philharmonic".
%
* Warning: ethnic references

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York.  One sat
in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.  Just before takeoff
a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the
Arabs.  He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in
when the Arab in the window seat said,

"I think I'll go up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Israeli.  "I'll get it for you."  While he was
gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it.  When the
Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said,

"That looks good.  I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone
the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it.  The Israeli
returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short
flight to New York.

As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked.  "This enmity between our
peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes
and peeing in cokes?"
%
Giving instructions to a group of his soldiers, a Mafia Boss
said, "I want the guy shot; then put him in a barrel and fill
it with cement; then toss him in the East River.  And, oh
yeah... make it look like an accident."
%
These are purportedly from actual military "squawk sheets." Squawk
sheets are maintenance forms filed by the flight crews to inform the
maintenance crews of problems with the aircraft.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
       Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
       Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
       Solution 1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
       Solution 2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
       Solution: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
       Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
       Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
       Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
       Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
       Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
       Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
       Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
       Solution: That's what they're there for.
%
An elderly gentleman was in the hospital close to dying.  His dear
wife of 50 years decided to clean out the car in hopes of selling it.
She found two beer bottles and a bag containing $10,000.

That night, when visiting, she asked about the bottles.  He replied
"every time I was unfaithful to you, I drank a bottle of beer." So the
old lady thinks "well, twice in 30 years is not bad".  Then she asked
"where did the $10,000 in the bag come from?"  "Well" said the old
fellow "I had to take back some of the empties".
%
Pat came to tell Mrs. O'Flaherty about her husband' s untimely drowning
in a vat of beer at the brewery.
"Oh, the poor man" she sobbed, "Please, tell me, did he suffer much?" 
"I don't think so mum; he came out three times to pee!"
%
A man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident.  The next day two grim
policemen turned up at his door and said "We're sorry to disturb you,
but we have some information about your wife." 

"Well, tell me then!" the man said.

The policeman said, "Do you want the bad, the good or the great news
first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news
first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay." 

"Oh my God!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome with emotion. Then,
remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good
news?" 

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two
five-pound lobsters and a dozen good-size Dungeoness crabs on
her."

"If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" Mr.  Wilkens
demanded. 

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow
morning."
%
A lawyer's wife dies.

At the cemetery, people are appalled to see
that the tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D.,
Wills, Divorce, Malpractice."

Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears.  His brother says, "You should
cry, pulling a stunt like this!"

Through his tears, Murray croaks, "You don't understand!  They left
out the phone number!"
%
Did you hear the Surgeon General's latest product advisory?  Liquor
bottles will carry the phrase, "Warning: alcohol can make members of
the opposite sex appear for more attractive than they actually are."
%
Bert was the chargehand on a rather large property out west. One day
he needed some work done on one of the farm boundaries, so he called
in Bill, one of his stockmen.

"Bill, I want you to go out to Bennett's boundary and fix the fence
there.  You can take the four-wheel drive and if you have any trouble
give me a call on the radio."

So Bill set off. About ten hours later Bert got a call on the two-way.
 
"Boss, this is Bill.  I've got a bit of a problem."

"Yes, mate, what is it?"

"Well, I was driving along in the four-wheel drive and I ran into a
pig."
 
"So, what's the problem?"

"Well, he got stuck in the bullbars and he's still alive and kicking
and squealing so much that I can't get him free."

"Okay mate. In the back of the vehicle you'll find a .303. Take it
out.  Put the muzzle up close to the pig's head and shoot it. It'll go
all limp, and you'll be able to get it off the bullbar. Then drag it
into the bush and leave it there."
 
"Okay boss, I'll do that. Thanks for your help."

About a quarter of an hour later there was another call. "Yes Bill,
what is it?"

"Well, I took out the .303, shot the pig in the head and he went limp
like you said. And I got him off the bullbar and dumped him in the
bush but I still can't go on."

"Why not, mate?"

"Well, it's his motorbike. It's still stuck under the four-wheel drive."
%
The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a
hotdog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who
pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my
change?" asks the Zen Master. 

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
%
The very young couple, having limited funds, returned to her parents
after the wedding for their honeymoon night.  The next morning the
family gathered for breakfast and lunch without them.

When it came time for the evening meal, the father asked of his wife
and their 8 year old son, "Have any of you see the newlyweds?"

The mother replied she had not seen her daughter and new son-in-law.
The bride's younger brother replied that he had seen his new
brother-in-law about 10 PM when he stuck his head out the door and ask
him if he knew where there was any Vaseline.  The parents, a little
embarrassed, waited for the rest of the story.  

"Well?" the father finally said impatiently when the boy continued
eating.  "Oh," said the boy.  "I couldn't find any Vaseline so I gave
him my model airplane glue."
%
Years ago, there was a famous deli in New York.  The owner had a big
heart and frequently hired refugees from other countries.

One day, a new patron came in and was waited on by a young man from
Thailand, who conversed in perfect Yiddish.  The customer was so
impressed, he found the owner.

"I'm very impressed with your waiter, but where'd he learn Yiddish?"
he asked the owner.

"Shhh" the owner replied.  "He thinks I'm teaching him English!"
%
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.  A man
comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this
beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer:  Some things you just can't explain.

Man:  So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer:  Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her.  Just as I got
the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man:  Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer:  Some things you just can't explain.

Man:  So what happened then?

Farmer:  I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man:  and then?

Farmer:  Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her.  Just as I got
the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man:  Again?

Farmer:  Some things you just can't explain.

Man:  So, what did you do then?

Farmer:  I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on
the right.

Man:  and then?

Farmer:  Well, I sat back down and began milking her again.  Just as
got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with
her tail.

Man:  Hmmm...

Farmer:  Some things you just can't explain.

Man:  So, what did you do?

Farmer:  Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and
tied her tail to the rafter.  In that moment, my pants fell down and
my wife walked in.....
%
An guy was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini,
"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

    "Get away from me, you crazy man" she replied.

    "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.

    "Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

    "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he 
stated.

    "NO! Get away from me!"

    "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.

    She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, 
"I said NO!"

    "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.

    She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and
$500 IS a lot of money....  "Well, OK...but only for a minute."
	
    She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on
the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he
started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was
caressing them.

    Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god,
oh my god'?"

    While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY
GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred
dollars?"
%
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in 
the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring 
with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several 
hands went up, and many important things were suggested 
such as food, matches, etc. 

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes 
Timmy, what are the three most important things you would 
bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. 

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck
of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right 
direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master 
impatiently. 

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is 
bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on 
top of that black ten!"
%
* ethnic

There were these three guys, a Polish guy, an Italian guy, and a
Jewish guy who all worked together at a factory.  Everyday they notice
that their boss leaves work a little early.

So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves
early, they'll all leave early too.  Sure enough the boss left and so
did they.

The Jewish guy goes home and goes to bed so he can get an early start
the next morning.  The Italian guy goes home and cooks dinner for his
family.  The Polish guy goes home and walks to his bedroom.  He opens
the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss so he shuts the
door and leaves.

The next day the Italian and Jewish guys are talking and plan to go
home early again.  They ask the Polish guy if he wants to leave early
again too and he replies, "Hell NO!."

Puzzled, they ask him, "why not?!"  Polish guy says, "'Cuz yesterday
I almost got caught.
%
Three women are sitting in the obstetrician's waiting room. All three
are very pregnant and busy knitting baby clothes. The first woman
stops knitting and reaches into her handbag, pulls out a handful of
pills and swallows them. "Must have my vitamins," she says, "healthy
pills for a healthy baby."

They all continue knitting for a while when the second woman stops,
reaches into her handbag, pulls out a handful of pills and swallows
them. "Must have my vitamins," she says, "healthy pills for a healthy
baby."

They all continue knitting again, when the third woman stops, reaches
into her handbag, pulls out a handful of pills and swallows them.

"Healthy pills for a healthy baby?" the first two women ask?

"No," she replies, "Thalidomide, I can't knit sleeves."
%
A priest is sitting in his confessional and hears an old man's voice
on the other side of the screen.  The old man says, "Father, I'm
eighty-one years old, I've been married to the same woman for
fifty-four years, and have always been faithful.  But yesterday, I
made wild, passionate love with a pair of lovely eighteen-year-old
twin sisters."

The priest asks, "When was the last time you went to confession?"

The old man replies, "Never...I'm Jewish."

The priest is puzzled.  "Then why did you come here today to tell me
this?"

The old man says, "Oh...heck...I'm telling everybody!!!"
%
* warning: religious characters 

A priest and a minister walked into a bar.  After sitting down,
ordering, and some chit chat the priest said, "Have you noticed there
are no women in this bar?"  He then realized the truth, "I think we're
in a gay bar."
 
A man approached and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest was
dumbfounded, and didn't know what to do.  The minister leaned over and
whispered something in the man's ear.  The man nodded and walked off.
 
The relieved priest said, "Thanks.  What did you tell him?"

The minister replied, "I just told him we're on our honeymoon."
%
* warning: religious material

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found
it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of
Galilee.  "Mon," he said, "anywhere in Scotland it would have been
cheaper."

"Perhaps," said the travel agent, "but remember, the Sea of Galilee is
the water on which our Lord walked."

"Oh, my," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder he walked."
%
* warning: sensitive persons should avoid it

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop"
grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if
he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog.  It's very powerful and
if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick.  In fact, it might even
kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the
counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him
out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.
The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the  boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the
dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on
your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that
killed him."

"Oh?  What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"
%
* Religious material

A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood.   Every Friday the
Catholics go crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the
Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew
to convert him.

Finally,  by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed.  They take
the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones:
....."Born a Jew ......Raised a Jew ......Now a Catholic."

The Catholics are ecstatic.  No more delicious, but maddening smells
every Friday evening.  But the next Friday evening, the scent of
barbecue wafts through the neighborhood.  The Catholics all rush to
the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet.  They see him
standing over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat
and saying: ....."Born a cow ......Raised a cow ......Now a fish."
%
* explicit politics

Q. Why Pakistan could not conduct a N-test following the Indian
N-Tests?

A: The user manual was written in Chinese!
%
Baltimore is one of the few towns I know of where you can park your
car, walk a couple of blocks, and find it for sale.
%
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was
suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all
attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he
turned and ran as fast as he could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the
edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear
closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees,
opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give
this bear some *religion*!"

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a
few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop,
and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said,
"Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."
%
One day three couples in a minivan are heading to Yellowstone National
Park on a vacation. One couple is from Nebraska, one is from Kansas,
and one is from Iowa. They stop at a little cafe on the side of the
road for breakfast.  Their waitress serves them their food, and the
husband from Nebraska says, "could you pass the honey honey?"  to whom
his wife, hands over the honey.  Then, the husband from Kansas says "
Could you pass the sugar sugar?" and she passes him the sugar.  The
Iowan husband sits there for a minute, then looks at his wife and says
"Wanna pass me the bacon, pig?"
%
* religions featured 

Three Catholic women and an older Jewish lady were having coffee.  The
first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest.  When he
walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"

The second woman chirps, "My son is a bishop.  Whenever he walks into a
room, people call him 'Your Grace'."  

The third old woman says "My son is a cardinal.  Whenever he walks into 
a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'".  

As the little old Jewish lady sips her coffee in silence, the first
three give her this subtle "Well...?" look, so she says: "My son is
6'5"; he has broad, square shoulders, lean hips and is very muscular;
he's terribly handsome, has beautiful hair, dresses very well and
always smells wonderful.  Whenever he walks into a room, women say 'Oh,
my God...'.
%
The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of the
worst possible opening line of a book.  This has been so successful that
Penguin now publishes five books-worth of entries.

Some recent winners:

"With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned,
unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep
azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied
for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that
defied description."

"Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was
about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon -- to
become the woman he loved."

"Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often
do."

"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the
greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window,
revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in
frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her,
disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You
lied!"
%
He's so technical though -- my dentist.  Mrs JimJr had a
tooth replaced, and she insisted that it match perfectly. 

It did.  The thing even had a cavity.
%
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out 
and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd 
like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a big decision! Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah,... and they're in favor 15 to 2."
%
My other brother-in-law died.  He was a karate expert, then joined the
army.  The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
%
* Warning: sex

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports
car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down.
Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse.  She goes up to the
farmhouse and knocks on the door.

When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and
my car broke down!  I don't know what to do!  Can I stay here for the
night until tomorrow when I can get some help?  "Well," drawls the
farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons
Jed and Luke."  She looks through the screen door and sees two men
standing behind the farmer.  She judges them to be in the early
twenties.  "Okay", she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a
little hot just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her.
So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you
like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"  She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get
pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers."  She puts them on the
boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.

	----

Twenty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch,
rocking bak and forth.

Jed says, "Luke?"

Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"

Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty
years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"

"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.

"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not".

"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
%
 Five reasons to believe computers are male:
 
 1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
 2. As soon as you have one, a better model is right around the corner.
 3. They look attractive-until you take them home.
 4. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
 5. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
 
 Five reasons to believe computers are female:
 
 1  No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
 2. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
    future reference.
 3. The native language used to communicate with other
    computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
 4. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as
    informative as,  "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm
    certainly not going to tell you."
 5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
    yourself spending  half your paycheck on accessories for it.
%
* religions involved

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome.  The 
Rabbi notices an unusually  fancy phone on a side table in the
Pope's private chambers.

     "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

     "It's my direct line to the Lord!"

     The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father
insists that the Rabbi trys it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the
Lord.   The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.

     After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is
great!   But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."  

     The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and
finally, the pontiff gives in.  He checks the counter on the phone and says: 
"Allright!  The charges were 100,000 Lira."

     The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.  A few months 
later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit.  In the
Chief  Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it
also is a direct line to the Lord.  The Pope remembers he has an urgent 
matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the 
Rabbi's phone.

     The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats 
away.  After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone
charges. 

     The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" 

     The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?!"

     The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."
%
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her
husband in bed with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to
storm  out of the house, he stopped her with these words.  "Before you
leave, I  want you to know how this all came about. Driving down the
highway I saw  this young girl looking tired and bedraggled, so I
stopped, and brought her  home.  Then I made her a meal from the roast
beef you had forgotten in the fridge. She had some old worn out
sandals on her feet so I gave her  a pair of good shoes you had
discarded because they'd gone out of style.  She was cold so I gave
her the jumper I bought you for your birthday that you never wore
because  the colour didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn so I gave
her a pair of  yours that were perfectly good, but too small for you
now.  Then as she was  about to leave the house, she paused and asked,
'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"
%
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her
class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student
to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with

"This was England's finest hour."

Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations said the teacher you may go home."

The teacher then said,

"Ask not what your country can do for you."

Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out,

"John F. Kennedy".

"Very good" says the teacher, "you may go."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny
said, "I wish those little twits would just shut the hell up."

Upon overhearing this rude comment, the outraged teacher demanded
to know who said it.

Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton."

"I'll see you Monday..."
%
*warning: politically incorrect  

Q:What do you do when your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you?

A:Shorten the chain.
%
These three guys - an American, Chinese, and German - were shipwrecked
on a desert island.  The German found this smokey bottle. So he
brought it back to the other two and they all opened it together (the
German was a really nice guy). Well, low and behold, a GENIE POPPED
OUT! The genie granted them each one wish, and of course all three
wanted to be back home. So the genie said he would grant them their
wishes.

"But first, you must all do me a favor. Mr. American - I want you to
built me a restaurant here.  Mr. German - you will make the kitchen
for this restaurant. Mr. Chinaman- you will get the supplies for the
restaurant. I have a hot date waiting for me in Bagdad, so I have to
go. But I will return in ONE MONTH. At that time, if you satisfied my
requirements, I will grant your wishes."

So for one month, the three men American and German toiled while the
Oriental kinda lazed around and gave a helping hand to the other
two. Then about 4 days before the genie's expected return, the
Oriental disappeared.  Well, the genie came back, just as he promised,
and asked to be shown what they had done.  He was amazed by the
restaurant! Five dining rooms, a tremendous main lobby - all made of
bamboo! It was a magnificent feat. As for the kitchen - full utensils,
running gas stoves, pots, pans - all made from shells, bamboo, and
coconuts. An absolute wonder!

"But where are the supplies from Mr. Chinaman?"

The two men said they didn't know. All they knew was that he had
disappered a few days ago and they hadn't seen hide nor hair of him
since then. Suddenly from the shadows, out leaped the Oriental,
shouting in a loud voice:

"SUPLISE!!!!!!!!!"
%
* offensive to some religions

A priest, minister and rabbi were playing their usual Wednesday round
of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections.

Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of
the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.

The minister explains: "I draw a circle aroung myself and toss the
money in the air.  Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself.
What ever lands outside the circle, I give to God."

The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that whatever
lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the
circle I keep for my personal needs."

The rabbi then proclaims: "I use the same method, as well.  Except, that
when I toss the money in the air, and I figure that whatever God wants he
can take."
%
Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
		-- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
%
GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE   

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.  In order to
better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the
following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless
you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.


1. How did you find out about God?

   __ Newspaper                    __ Other Book
   __ Television                   __ Divine Inspiration
   __ Word of mouth                __ Near Death Experience
   __ Tabloid                      __ Burning Shrubbery
   __ Bible                        __ Other
   __ Torah                           (specify): _____________

2. Which model God did you acquire?

   __ Yoweh                        __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet
   __ Jehova                       __ Jesus
   __ Allah                        __ Satan
   __ God                          __ None of the above, I was taken
   __ G_d                             in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
   order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

   __ Yes                          __ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
   ____________________

4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god?
   Please check all that apply.

   __ Indoctrinated by parents       __ Needed a reason to live
   __ Indoctrinated by society       __ Needed focus in who to despise
   __ Imaginary friend grew up       __ Hate to think for myself
   __ Wanted to meet girls/boys      __ Fear of death
   __ Wanted to piss off parents     __ Needed a day away from work
   __ Desperate need for certainty   __ Like Organ Music
   __ Need to feel Morally Superior  __ My shrubbery caught fire and
                                        told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a God before?  Is so, which false god were
   you fooled by?  Please check all that apply.

   __ Odin                          __ Cthulhu
   __ Zeus                          __ The Almighty Dollar
   __ Apollo                        __ Left Wing Liberalism
   __ Ra                            __ Barney T.B.P.D.
   __ The great Spirit              __ The Great Pumpkin
   __ The Sun                       __ Bill Clinton
   __ The Moon                      __ A burning cabbage
   __ The Bomb                      __ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
   to God?  Please check all that apply.

   __ Tarot                        __ Lottery
   __ Astrology                    __ Television
   __ Fortune cookies              __ Ann Landers
   __ Psychic Friends Network      __ Dianetics
   __ Palmistry                    __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
   __ Self-help books              __ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
   __ Biorythms                    __ Bill Clinton
   __ Tea Leaves                   __ EST
   __ Mantras                      __ Jimmy Swaggert
   __ Crystals                     __ Human Sacrifice
   __ Pyramids                     __ Wandering around a desert
   __ Insurance policies           __ Burning Shrubbery
   __ Barney T.B.P.D.              __ Other: _____________________
   __ Barney Fife                  __ None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
   balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.  Which would you
   prefer (circle one)?

   a. More Divine Intervention
   b. Less Divine Intervention
   c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
   d. Don't know ... what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
   miracles.  Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
   following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

   a. Disasters
          flood                     1   2   3   4   5
          famine                    1   2   3   4   5
          earthquake                1   2   3   4   5
          war                       1   2   3   4   5
          pestilence                1   2   3   4   5
          plague                    1   2   3   4   5
          SPAM                      1   2   3   4   5
          AOL                       1   2   3   4   5

   b. Miracles
          rescues                   1   2   3   4   5
          spontaneous remissions    1   2   3   4   5
          stars hovering over towns 1   2   3   4   5
          crying statues            1   2   3   4   5
          water changing to wine    1   2   3   4   5
          walking on water          1   2   3   4   5
           (other than the Hudson)
          talking flaming shrubbery 1   2   3   4   5
          VCRs that set their own   1   2   3   4   5
            clocks
          Saddam Husein still alive 1   2   3   4   5
          Cubs winning the Series   1   2   3   4   5
          Clinton's re-election     1   2   3   4   5

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
   quality of God's services?  (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
%
For perfect happiness, remember two things:
	(1) Be content with what you've got.
	(2) Be sure you've got plenty.
%
			-- Gifts for Men --

Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy.  But you
should never buy them clothes.  Men believe they already have all the
clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous.  For
example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
three of them.  He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
years without being laughed at.  If you give him a new tie, he will
pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.

If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires.  More
than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
of tires.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%
"Here's something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like
`Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
		-- Jay Leno
%
"You see, that's one of the great things about getting involved with
someone from another country -- you can't take it personally.  What's
really terrific is that when _we_ act in ways which might objectively
be considered incredibly obnoxious or annoying, they don't get upset
at all, they don't take it personally, they just assume it's some
national characteristic."

  -- from Whit Stillman's film "Barcelona"
%
This bloke had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned
something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender,
concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked
inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going
at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back
inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to
check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend
entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?"
the bartender asked.

"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's
me!"
%
An extremely shy fellow once brought his date a bouquet of flowers.
She threw her arms around him and kissed him long and hard.  After the
kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

She exclaimed, "Oh!  I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."

"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going to buy ya some jewelry."
%
"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."
		-- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
%
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at
the door. When he answers, a tramp asks him for a tooth-pick.  He
gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock.  When he answers, there
is a second tramp who also asks for a toothpick.  He gets his
toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third tramp.  The landlord
says "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too".

"No, a straw".

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious why he wants it, so he asks
the tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

"Someone  has thrown up outside but all the good stuff's gone already"
%
If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit
in my name at a Swiss bank.
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day.

One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.  At
the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.  When
they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, "Hey, we need
one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give
me a bid?"

So to the back fence they all went. First to step up was the Florida
contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and
said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900, $400 for materials, $400
for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil,
did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700.
$300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2700."

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure
like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy.  $1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas.
%
* some explicit sexual material present

An old bull wasn't doing his job anymore. His owner tells another
farmer that he might have to sell the old boy to a meat packer. The
second farmer suggests he contact a new vet some 32 miles
away--perhaps there are new things to help rejuvenate the old bull.

The bull's owner returns from the vet with a bottle of a new virility
tonic. After just one dose the old bull mounted every female in his
pasture, jumped a fence and put his plunger in all of the neighbor's
cows! Then the farmer found him trying to mount the front end of a
tractor!

A week later the farmer ran into the one who suggested the new vet,
who asked how the old bull was doing?

After hearing about the old bull's excellent behavior since taking the
tonic, he asled, "What's the hell's in that stuff?"

"I'll be damned if I know," the bull's owner replied, "but it tastes
like licorice."
%
- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

- Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

- Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding

- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...

- 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
%
"The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day
they start making vacuum cleaners" - Ernst Jan Plugge
%
A man walks into a shop and says, "I'd like six brown eggs in a white
paper bag, and six white eggs in a brown paper bag please."

The assistant says "You're a bus driver aren't you?"

The man says " Yes. How can you tell?"

The assistant replies, " You've still got your uniform on."
%
	If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
around your home are too difficult to tackle.  So, when your furnace
explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it.  The
"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
	And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I.  How
difficult can it be?"
	Very difficult.  In fact, most home projects are impossible,
which is why you should do them yourself.  There is no point in paying
other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
yourself for far less money.  This article can help you.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come
into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish
between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which
will only make it mushy.
		-- Mark Twain
%
In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
%
* warning: heavy mathematics

Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
%
A guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford. He played
it cool, and he didn't make any moves towards her for several weeks.
Finally, one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical
relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Cindy said she
was game and a very vigorous sexual relationship began.

Everything was great for about 4 months. One day, the guy went to
Cindy and said, "I'm having this problem. It's kind of a guy thing,
but I need to ask you a favor."

Cindy said, "Okay."

The guy said, "Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?"

Cindy looked at him a little funny, but said, "Yeah, OK"

The guy then said, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a
moustache on you?"

Cindy is getting a little worried, but says, "Okay."

Then the guy said, "Can you wear some of my guy clothing, I need for
you to look more like a man."

Cindy disappointed at this point, but says, "There'd better be a good
reason for all this..."

Then the guy says to Cindy, "Do you mind if I call you Fred?"

Cindy, very dejected, says, "If you must."

So, the guy reaches out and grabs Cindy by the arms and says, "Fred,
you won't believe who I've been sleeping with these past four months!"
%
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
	No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
%
Jimmy Johnson has put together the perfect Dolphins team for '98.  The
only thing he's missing is a good quarterback to replace the injured
Dan Marino.  He has scouted all the colleges, and even the high
schools, but; can't seem to find a ringer quarterback that will ensure
a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he sees a war zone in Palestine.
In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spots a young
Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm.  First, he throws a hand
grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away --
ka-BOOM!  Next, he throws another hand grenade into a group of about
10 soldiers a good 110 yards away -- ka-BLOOEY!  Then, a car passes
going 90 miles an hour-bulls-eye!  Another grenade right into the
barely open window.

"I've got to get this guy," Jimmy says to himself.  "He has the
perfect arm!"

So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of
football.  Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for
completed passes, accuracy, and touchdowns.  The Dolphins go on to
handily win the Super Bowl.

The young Israeli is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXV and
when Jimmy asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is
call his mother. Jimmy arranges for the call and hands the phone to
his young quarterback: "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I
just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says.  "You deserted us.
You're no longer my son."

"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads.  "I just
won the greatest sporting event in the world!  I'm in the middle of
thousands of adoring fans."

"No, let ME tell YOU," the mother implores.  "At this very moment,
there are gun shots all around us.  The neighborhood is a pile of
rubble.  Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life
last week, and this week your sister was attacked in broad
daylight...."  The old lady pauses, in tears. "...I'll never forgive
you for moving us to Miami.
%
* warning: religion

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing
staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time,
so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the
plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off
the plaque.  "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service",
replied the pastor.  Soberly, they stood together staring up at the
large plaque.  "Which one sir,  the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
%
Leibowitz's Rule:
	When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
hold the hammer with both hands.
%
Let us live!!!
Let us love!!!
Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!

You first.
%
The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently
been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the
government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant
through the first five years of her marriage may request the service
of a proxy father- a government employee who attempts to solve the
couple's problem by impregnating the wife.  The Smiths, a young
couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving
for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here
soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the
bell................

Ms Smith: "Good morning." 
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come
          to..." 
Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you. 
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies,
          especially twins." 
Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
	  have a seat." 
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?" 
Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is
	  the right thing to do." 
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it." 
Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?" 
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,
	   one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes
	  the living room floor allows the subject to really spreadout." 
Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for
	  Harry and me." 
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every
	  time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven
	  angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In
	  fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"
Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?" 
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take
	  his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
	  disappointed with that." 
Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?" 
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look
	  at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in
	  downtown London."
Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!" 
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They
	  turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so
	  difficult to work with." 
Ms Smith: "She was?" 
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde
	  Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such
	  impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and 
	  five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?" 
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so
	  excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the
	  crowd. I couldn't
	  concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain
	  her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my
	  shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just 
	  packed it all in. 
Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?" 
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my
	  work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented
	  technique. Now take this baby, I shot this
	  one in the front window of a big department store." 
Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it." 
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that
	  we can get to work."
Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?" 
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment
	  on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm
	  shooting. Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted! 
%
Lewis's Law of Travel:
	The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
anyone, ever.
%
More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads.  One
path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total
extinction.  Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Describe software professional in "C".
 
 Answer:
 
struct SoftwareProfessional {
	double salary;
	long   lunches;
	float  jobs;
	char   unstable;
	void   work;
};
%
	Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
tool sets for under $4?"  An excellent question.
	Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
administration.  In either the hardware or housewares department,
you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
that Americans might use around the home.  Buy it.
	This is the kind of tool set professionals use.  Not only is it
inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
direct sunlight.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
Driving to work this morning on I-95 I look over to my left and
there's this woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face
up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eye liner!

I look away for a couple seconds and when I look back she's halfway
over in my lane.

Scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee."
%
Two guys trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two 
terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but
where it's supposed to go. 
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we play
through?" 
The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back. 
The first guy says, "What's wrong?" 
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress." 
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." 
He gets about halfway there and comes back. 
The second guy says, "What's wrong?" 
The first guy says, "Small world."
%
Never express yourself more clearly than you think.
	      --  Niels Bohr.
%
A Scotsman, upon finishing his business in the outhouse, was pulling up his
pants when a quarter slipped from his pocket, bounced once on the lid, and
fell into the hole.
Peering ruefully into the hole, he muttered to himself, "For a quarter,
Nae."
He then dug into his pocket and reluctantly withdrew another quarter, let
it fall into the hole to join the first, and remarked as he reached into
the hole, "But for 50 cents, aye!"
%
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am 
Napoleon!"

Another one said, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!"
%
Two storks on a nest, a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying
and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry Son,
your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and
making them happy."

     The next night, its fathers turn to do the job.

     "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's
bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

     A few days later, the stork parents are desperate, their son is
gone from the nest all night. Finally, shortly before dawn, he returns
and the parents ask their son where he had been all night.

     Says the baby stork, "Awww, just scaring the shit out of college
kids!"
%
Two men were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a
better chance of catching something.

The first man says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into
the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."
 
After about three hours, the second man finds he is really lost. He
decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He
then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of
ammo.

The next morning, the first man finds the second with the help of forest
rangers. He asks the first man if he did what he told him to do.
 
The man answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on
the hour until I ran out of arrows."
%
An electrician, a carpenter and a brick layer are on a building site
eating their lunch. The first one opens his lunchbox and exclaims " I
don't believe it - tuna sandwiches again!! If I get tuna tomorrow, I'm
going to climb up the scaffolding and jump off!"

The carpenter opens his lunchbox and exclaims "Would you believe it -
cheese sandwiches again! If I get cheese tomorrow, I'm going to climb up
the scaffolding and jump off!"

The bricklayer opens his lunchbox and exclaims " Oh no - ham sandwiches
again! If I get ham tomorrow, I'm going to the top and jumping off as
well!"

The next day, they all sit down to lunch. the electrician opens his
lunch. " I don't believe it - tuna!" Goes up the scaffolding, jumps off,
dead. 

The carpenter opens his. "Oh no - cheese!" Climbs up, jumps off, dead.

The bricklayer opens his. "Oh no - ham!" Climbs up, jumps off, dead.

Week later the funeral takes place. The priest is comforting the widows.
The electrician's widow is crying and says to him "I don't understand
it. If only he had told me, I would have given him something different!"

Priest goes to carpenter's widow. "I don't understand it either, if he
had told me I would have packed something different!"

Bricklayers widow is crying and exclaims "I REALLY don't understand it,
mine made his own sandwiches!!
%
A sailor has sex with a Hong Kong hooker and a week later he goes to a
doctor because his penis has turned yellow, purple and green. The
doctor takes a look and says, "Well, it's pretty bad. We'll have to
amputate." "No way!", says the sailor. He runs out and thinks,
"Hmm... Chinese girl - Chinese doctor."  So, he goes to Chinatown and
finds a Chinese herbalist. The herbalist takes a look.

The sailor says, "Hey doc, the previous doctor said he'd have to
amputate."  Chinese herbalist said, "Oh no. No need amputate. Two -
three days - fall off all by itself!"
%
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped
in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the
parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered,
brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and
bawls "And get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes
back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've
asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out
of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the
parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy
bastard!"
%
A guy pulls into a little town, and every hotel room is taken.  He
says to the last hotel clerk, "You've gotta have a room somewhere. Or
just a bed, please, I'm really beat."

The clerk says, "Well, I do have a double room with only one occupant,
and I'm sure he'd be glad to split the cost. But he snores so loudly
that the people in the adjoining rooms have been complaining all
week."

The guy says, "No problem, I'll take it."

The next morning the guy comes down to breakfast bright eyed and bushy
tailed.

The manager says, "How'd you sleep with him snoring?"

The guy says, "I shut him up quick."

The manager says, "How'd you do that?"

The guy says, "He was already in bed snoring away when I came into the
room. So I went over, gave him a big kiss on the cheek, and said,
'Good night, beautiful.'  And he sat up and watched me all night."
%
OK--so Bill Gates, Scott McNealy, and Jim Barksdale go to Capitol Hill
and Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) meets them at the pearly gates of the
Senate. He says to McNealy: "I'm here to judge your worthiness.  Tell
me, what do you believe, my son?"

"I believe in open standards and thin clients," says the Sun
Microsystems chief. "Enter," says Hatch, "sit at my left hand."
Turning to Barksdale, he asks, "What do you believe?"

"I believe in the Internet and the Web and connecting people
together," Netscape's chairman answers.  "Enter," Hatch says, "sit at
my right." Finally, he turns to Microsoft chairman Bill Gates and
asks, "And what do you believe?"

"I believe you're in my seat," Gates replies.
%
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
around the Sun.
%
Machine-Independent, adj.:
	Does not run on any existing machine.
%
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods
totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticing that the
previous bill hadn't been paid, instructed the collections manager to
contact the costumer.  The collections manager made the call and left
left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until
you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call
from the customer who said, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait
that long."
%
"What are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?"

"Well, yesterday I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff
neck.  This is my wife's idea."
%
Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
	Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a
simple yes or no answer.
%
A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a
goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk.  The barber
whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever
meet. Here, I'll show you."

"Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber.  Tommy came bouncing over
"Hi Mr. Williams!"  The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny
quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice.  Tommy
looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped
the dime from the barber's hand.  The barber looked at the businessman
and said, "See, I told you."

After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him
why he chose the dime.

Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game
is over."
%
"Microwave oven?  Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven?  I've been
watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks."
%
   n = ((n >>  1) & 0x55555555) | ((n <<  1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
   n = ((n >>  2) & 0x33333333) | ((n <<  2) & 0xcccccccc);
   n = ((n >>  4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n <<  4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
   n = ((n >>  8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n <<  8) & 0xff00ff00);
   n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);

		-- C code which reverses the bits in a word.
%
An elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 50th
wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is
something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our
tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I
want to assure you that these 50 years have been the most wonderful
expierence I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take
that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eyes, she
paused for moment and then confessed sadly: "Yes. Yes, he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting
hit him harder than he had expected.

With a tear in his eye the husband asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was
the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she
tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then,
finally, she admits: "You."
%
A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring
that dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can
talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a
hundred bucks."
The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!"
"Right, and what's on the outside of a tree?"
"Bark!"
"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!"
"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in
twenties."
The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before
I belt you."
As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do
you think I should have said 'Dimaggio'?"
%
An old man was driving down the interestate at 22 miles per hour.  He
never went above or below.  An officer noticed and followed him a
while and then pulled him over.  Before the officer could even get to
the window the man was saying "I was not speeding, the speed limit is
22 mph and that is exactly what I was doing, I was not speeding".

The police officer said, "I didn't pull you over for speeding, I
pulled you over for going to slow".

The man said "but the sign says 22". 

The officer told him that he was on interstate 22.  As the man shook
his head, the officer noticed that there were 3 older ladies sitting
inside the car.  All of them were sitting with their mouths hanging
open and spit drooling down the side.  Their faces were very white and
their hair was completely messy.

The police officer leaned toward the man and said "What is wrong with
them?"

The man said "well, we just came off of interstate 134".
%
... Now you're ready for the actual shopping.  Your goal should be to
get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
children emotionally.  For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
to love him, then melts.  And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
outcast by the other reindeer.  Then along comes good, old Santa.  Does
he ignore the deformity?  Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath?  No.  Santa asks
Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
kind of headlight with legs and a tail.  So unless you want your
children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
quickly.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%
Minneapolis and St. Paul are divided by the Mississippi River and
united by the belief that the inhabitants of the other side of the
river are inferior.
%
Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set (part I):

BBW	Branch Both Ways
BEW	Branch Either Way
BBBF	Branch on Bit Bucket Full
BH	Branch and Hang
BMR	Branch Multiple Registers
BOB	Branch On Bug
BPO	Branch on Power Off
BST	Backspace and Stretch Tape
CDS	Condense and Destroy System
CLBR	Clobber Register
CLBRI	Clobber Register Immediately
CM	Circulate Memory
CMFRM	Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
CPPR	Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
CRN	Convert to Roman Numerals
%
Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set (part II):

DC	Divide and Conquer
DMPK	Destroy Memory Protect Key
DO	Divide and Overflow
EMPC	Emulate Pocket Calculator
EPI	Execute Programmer Immediately
EROS	Erase Read Only Storage
EXCE	Execute Customer Engineer
HCF	Halt and Catch Fire
IBP	Insert Bug and Proceed
INSQSW	Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
PBC	Print and Break Chain
PDSK	Punch Disk
%
A mathematician and an engineer attend a lecture by a physicist. The
topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical processes that
occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The
mathematician is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the
engineer is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By
the end the engineer has a terrible headache. At the end, the
mathematician comments about the wonderful lecture.

The engineer says "How do you understand this stuff?"

Mathematician: "I just visualize the process."

Engineer: "How can you visualize something that occurs in 9-dimensional
           space?"

Mathematician: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then
                let N go to 9."
%
Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set (part III; last):

PI	Punch Invalid
POPI	Punch Operator Immediately
PVLC	Punch Variable Length Card
RASC	Read And Shred Card
RPM	Read Programmers Mind
RSSC	reduce speed, step carefully  (for improved accuracy)
RTAB	Rewind tape and break
RWDSK	rewind disk
RWOC	Read Writing On Card
SCRBL	scribble to disk  - faster than a write
SLC	Search for Lost Chord
SPSW	Scramble Program Status Word
SRSD	Seek Record and Scar Disk
STROM	Store in Read Only Memory
TDB	Transfer and Drop Bit
WBT	Water Binary Tree
%
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming
him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the
cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball
from a nearby drawer.  "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with
the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the
client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone  else does."
%
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was
constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking
the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the
exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people
from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"  "I
give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.  The next day,
still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he
went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
%
Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a
state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his
nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks!
him in the head with the stick.  The driver yells, "Why'd you do
that!?!?

The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son.  When I pull you over,
you'll have your license ready."

Driver apologizes, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He
gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side
and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and
smack! the trooper nails him with the nightstick.  The passenger grabs
his face and yells out, "What'd you do that for!??"

"Just making your wishes come true," replies the cop.

"Huh?"

"Well," says the officer, "I just *know* that two miles down the road
you're gonna say, 'I sure wish that motherfucker woulda tried that
shit with me.'"
%
Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
		-- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
%
Signs:

On a Maternity Clothes Shop: "We are open on Labor Day."

On a Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're
looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a fence:  "Salesmen welcome. Dog food expensive."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes.
Sit!  Stay!"

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:  "Drive carefully,
we'll wait."
%
Bill Clinton and his daughter were out for a walk.

Summoning up all the courage a father can, he asks: "Chelsea, how is
college going, socially? Do you have any, uh, boyfriends, and are you
being, uh, nice?"

Chelsea thinks for a second, then replies, "Well, Dad, if you're asking
me 'Am I having sex?' the answer is no, not as YOU define it."
%
Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex
and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we
can't use it."  The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm
method." The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask. 

"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We
make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes
get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."
%
August 8, 1997

BY DAVE BARRY
Knight-Ridder News Service

Q: Could you please explain the recent historic tobacco settlement?

A: Sure. Basically, the tobacco industry has admitted that it is
killing people by the millions, and has agreed that from now on it
will do this under the strict supervision of the federal government.

Q: Will there be monetary damages assessed?

A: Yes. To compensate for the immense suffering caused by its
products, the tobacco industry will pay huge sums of money to the
group most directly affected.

Q: Lawyers?

A: Yes.

Q: Will the federal government also receive large quantities of money?

A: Of course.

Q: How will the tobacco industry obtain this money?

A: By selling more tobacco products.

Q: What if consumers stop buying tobacco products?

A: That would be very bad. The government would probably have to set
up an emergency task force to figure out ways to get people smoking
again in order to finance the historic tobacco settlement.

Q: You're kidding, right?

A: I'm not sure.

Q: Under this settlement, will potent new steps be taken to remind
smokers that they should not smoke?

A: Yes. Cigarette packs will carry even sterner scientific warnings
regarding the badness of smoking, such as ``You big doodyhead!''  These
warnings will no doubt have the same impact as all previous warnings,
causing many smokers to smack their foreheads and say: ``I had no idea
smoking was unhealthy! I shall quit immediately!''

Q: Seriously, is there some kind of printed warning that really would
make people stop buying cigarettes?

A: Yes. Sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said:
``Cigarettes contain fat.'' American consumers have no problem with
carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor
wax, that has fat in it.

Q: If the government really wants people to stop smoking, how come it
doesn't just make cigarettes illegal?

A: Because people would smoke them anyway.

Q: Then how come the government makes crack cocaine illegal?

A: That is an unfair comparison. The tobacco industry is merely
selling a deadly product; the crack cocaine industry is guilty of
something far, far worse.

Q: Failure to make large political donations?

A: Yes.

Q: What does the historic tobacco settlement do to discourage
adolescents from smoking?

A: It requires the parents of adolescents to put on giant pants, shave
their heads and get their noses pierced, then smoke cigarettes in
front of their kids while making statements such as: ``Smoking is
cool, dude!'' This will cause the adolescents to join strict religious
orders.

Q: What will be done regarding Joe Camel?

A: He will be spayed.

Q: Many people started smoking because they watched classic movies in
which glamorous Hollywood stars were always inhaling and exhaling vast
clouds of smoke and looking totally cool. What will be done to correct
this under the historic tobacco settlement?

A: By 1998, all classic movies will be digitally reprocessed by
special Food and Drug Administration computers so that -- for example
-- in ``Casablanca,'' when Humphrey Bogart makes his dramatic final
speech to Ingrid Bergman, he will have the voice of Rocky the Flying
Squirrel.

Q: Whose voice will the late John Wayne have?

A: The late Lucille Ball's.

Q: Under the historic tobacco settlement, will cigarettes still be
sold from vending machines?

A: Yes, but people purchasing cigarettes from such machines will also
receive, as a warning of the health risks involved, a powerful
electrical shock.

Q: What will happen to all the Tobacco Institute scientists, who,
despite decades of dedicated research, were never able to find a
single shred of evidence proving that cigarettes cause cancer?

A: At the request of the White House, they will be reassigned to the
Whitewater investigation.

Q: How will the historic tobacco settlement affect the aliens whose
spaceship crashed near Roswell, N.M., in 1947, and whose bodies are
now being kept in top-secret government freezers?

A: Millions of dollars will be paid to their lawyers.

Q: I guess that covers it. Thanks. Smoke?

A: I have my own.
%
Q: How does a UNIX Guru make sex?
A: unzip;strip;touch;finger;mount;fsck;more;yes;umount;sleep
%
"I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Sherri to her
best friend.

"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy."

"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution!"
%
Paul's Law:
	You can't fall off the floor.
%
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. 
He handed out  all of the tests and went back to his desk 
to wait. Once the test was  over the students all handed 
the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the 
students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note 
saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor 
handed the tests back out. This student got back his test 
and $64 change.
%
	Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
into a clogged toilet.  In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
radio.  But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
plumbing works.
	A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
and toilets.  So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
kill you.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
* warning: somewhat tasteless

A man is feeling very ill, goes to see his doctor, and is immediately 
rushed to hospital to undergo tests.  The man wakes up after the tests in
a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor.  We've had the results back from your tests and
we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H.  It's a
combination of gonareah, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes!"

"My gosh, doctor!  What are you going to do?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita
bread."

"Will that cure me?"

"Well no, but it's the only food we can get under the door."
%
* kinda gloomy

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near
death.  The family called their preacher to stand with them.  As the
preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to
deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol'
Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so
he placed it in his jacket pocket.  At the funeral, as he was
finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket
that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.  He said:

"You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't
looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration
there for us all."

He opened the note, and read "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
%
Reader, suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of
Congress.  But I repeat myself.
		-- Mark Twain
%
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau.
Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the way down
50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down
to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is
this seat taken?"  The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She
passed away. She was a big Packers fan."  The other man replied,"I'm
so sorry to hear of your loss.  May I ask why you didn't give the
ticket to a friend or a relative?" The man replied, "They're all at
the funeral."
%
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The
driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the
Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls?
I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too?
I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a
refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in
there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I
have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in
there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped
away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a
bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver
of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with
silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove
all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the
windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and
knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and
knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the
Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the
shower to tell me THIS?!?!"
%
A Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car.
After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit
surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for
the new car to be delivered.  He thanks the salesman and starts to
leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the
salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will
arrive?" he asks.

The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two
years to the exact week.  The man thanks the salesman and starts out
again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.

"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now
the car will arrive?"  The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes
again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on
Thursday.  The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.

Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the
salesman.

"I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two
years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?"
Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another
time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from
now on Thursday.

"That's a relief!" says the man.  "The plumber is coming in the
morning!"
%
President Clinton, stymied with his peace efforts in the Middle
East told his cabinet, "I'll tell you this -- they'd be no trouble at
all in the Middle East if the Arabs and the Jews started acting
like the good Christians they're supposed to be." 
%
A novelist got on the Best Seller list again shortly after he'd
finished his first novel.  Asked where he got the idea so quickly,
he said it came from the movie version of his previous novel.		
%
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.  Check
three friends.  If they're OK, you're it.
%
Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and, if it fell out
   of a tree, would kill you?
A: A pool table.

Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal
   thermometer?
A: The taste.

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.
%
Clinton, on a stop in Arkansas this week, told a crowd,
"There are over a hundred jails in this state, and I'm
proud to say that no member of my family has ever
been in one of them."

A voice from the back said, "And which one is that ?" 
%
One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he
hid one of the drummer's sticks.

After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed
expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and
screamed to heaven:

"Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!" 
%
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The
second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up,
the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no
arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast.
The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and
the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming
from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to
rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and
places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon thehead starts
coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and
shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears,
then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on
me!"
%
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
%
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly
suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the
manager asked.

"That's the one!"

That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of
that monstrosity!  That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But
tell me.  Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide
dog bit me."
%
* warning: somewhat with sex 

One morning a mailman called on one of his regular customers and was
surprised to see a white bedsheet with a hole in the middle hanging up
in her living room.  The housewife explained she'd had a party the
night before.  They had played a game called "Who's Knob," in which
each of the men had put their equipment through the hole and the women
had tried to guess their identity.

"Gee, that sounds like fun," said the mailman.  "Sure wish I'd been
there."

"You should have been," the housewife informed him.  "Your name came
up three times!"
%
The woman was testifying for divorce explaining her "Bad marriage"
to the Judge.  She said, "That's my side of the story, your
honor, now let me tell you his."
%
One matron to another: "The service here is terrible, but you don't
mind waiting, because the food is so poor."
%
There are two old Jewish women leaving a restaurant.
One says to the other, "The food there was so terrible!"
The other says, "Yes, and such small portions!".

(Woody Allen)
%
Subject: "Lewinsky" brand cigars a roaring trade in Romania
Date: Sat, 19 Sep 1998 7:05:21 PDT
Organization: Copyright 1998 by Agence France-Presse (via ClariNet)

  	  				 
   BUCHAREST, Sept 19 (AFP) - The Internet publication of Ken  
Starr's report on US President Bill Clinton's relations with Monica 
Lewinsky has given a welcome, unexpected boost to cigar sales in 
Romania. 
   Inspired by the pair's now much-publicised antics in the Oval  
Office, a cigar distributor in the central Romanian town of Cluj has 
renamed its product after the former White House intern. 
   Locals apparently can't get enough of "Monica Lewinsky" cigars,  
even to the extent of eschewing ordinary cigarettes. 
   "It has been an immediate success," said a delighted saleswoman  
at one store in the town-centre. 
   "Smoking a cigar is a bit like stepping into Clinton's shoes,"  
mused an enthusiastic young architect, adding "and of course, there 
are all the sexual connotations." 
%
	(NORTHERN VIRGINIA) -- How tight is the job market for high-tech  
workers in Northern Virginia? The Internet firm UUNet/WorldCom has hired 
an airplane to drag a banner advertising job opportunities at the 
company. The plane flies over crowded interstates and apartment 
complexes throughout the Washington, DC area -- and recently flew over 
Jack Kent Cooke Stadium during a Redskins game. 
%
Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're
having an anniversary soon, right?"  The other replied, "Yup, a big
one... 20 years."

"Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your
anniversary?" The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia."

"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man.  "That's going
to be hard to beat.  What are you going to do for your 25th
anniversary?"

"Go back and get her."
%
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small
pieces of copper.  After studying these pieces for a long time,
Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a
nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed.  They
ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper.  100 meters down,
they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the
ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.

Polish scientists were outraged.  They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters
underground, but found absolutely nothing...

They concluded that the ancient Poles 55,000 years ago had cellular
telephones.
%
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number
of years.  He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him
fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear
100%.  The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and
the doctor said, "You hearing is perfect.  Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "O, I
haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the
conversations.  I've changed my will three times!"
%
* warning: sexual material

"While it might be considered somewhat, er, shall we say 'outre'," the
physician told the inquiring husband.  "I don't see any real harm from
your wife's night-creaming her genital area with various whipped
edible varieties."

"But Doc !!!" the man persisted. "I'm already 30 pounds overweight."
%
On a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon, Kurt stood on the first tee
at his country club.  He had just pulled out his driver when a young
woman in a wedding gown came running up to him, crying. "You bastard!" 
she screamed in his face.  "You lousy no-good God damn stinking
bastard!"

"What's your problem Mattie?"  he calmly replied. "I distinctly told
you only if it rained."
%
Last summer I had to have a complicated procedure to remove a cyst on
my larynx.  I asked the doctor if I would live & he replied, "Yes, but
I wouldn't advise it."
%
Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
%
A guy is coming out of his house one day, and suddenly he hears a voice:
"Sell your house, sell your car, move to Vegas".
He dismisses the voice as caused by stress, and continues on with his day.
The next morning, he hears it again:
"Sell your house, sell your car, move to Vegas".
He wonders about it for most of the morning, but a meeting in the afternoon
empties his mind, and he forgets all about it.
Next day, the voice is there again:
"Sell your house, sell your car, move to Vegas".
And the next day:
"Sell your house, sell your car, move to Vegas".
And the next day:
"Sell your house, sell your car, move to Vegas".
After a month of this, the man is a nervous wreck, and leaving his house one
morning, and hearing the voice:
"Sell your house, sell your car, move to Vegas".
He screams "Fine!  I'll do it!".  So he sells his house, sells his car, gathers
his life savings and takes the first flight to Las Vegas.
There, the first thing he hears on leaving the plane.
"Go to the Golden Nugget."
Resignedly, he does so.  In the casino, the voice once again says:
"Go to roulette table 13."  There, it says:
"Put all your money on number 24."
The man goes and cashes in all he owns for a lot of chips, which he promptly
puts on number 24, on table 13.  The croupier closes all bets, and throws the
ball down.
Around and around and around it goes.  Eventually, it stops on 36.  The voice
says:
"Sorry."
%
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a costume party,
I want to go as Adam." The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big
enough."

She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough." She brings
out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."

She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder
and go as a gasoline pump?"
%
"We Have Conquered Pain!" exclaimed the London headlines on Dec.
21,1846. Scottish surgeon Robert Liston had successfully amputated a
man's leg while an assistant dispensed ether from a sponge-filled
inhaler. It was the first European operation under anaesthesia, and the
momentous breaktrough was immortalized by an excited artist, showing
Liston removing the wrong leg.
%
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western
	Civilization?
Gandhi:	I think it would be a good idea.
%
A Texan, a Cuban, and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.  The Texan
orders some beef, and a few minutes later, the waitress returns and
says, "Excuse me, sir, but there's a shortage of beef."

The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"
The Cuban says, "What's beef?"
The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"
%
A father in the glassware business is teaching his son about business
ethics, but the son doesn't quite get the concept.  So the father
says, "Let me give you an example.  The other day, an old and valued
customer entered in a hurry, picked up a $10 vase, and left quickly,
tossing me a crumpled bill to pay for his purchase.  When I smoothed
out the bill, I discovered that, while he obviously meant to give me a
ten, he inadvertently gave me a $100 bill.

So, a question of ethics immediately arose: 'Should I tell my partner,
or not?'"
%
 Adam was returning home late one night in paradise after drinking
with the dodo and the unicorn. Eve got angry and yelled at him: "YOU
ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN"

 Adam responded: "Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth" and
went to sleep.

 Later that night Adam woke up, feeling a tickle in his chest and saw
it was Eve. "What are you doing?" he asked.

 "I'm counting your ribs" she responded.
%
I asked once why I couldn't have a "surprise" for dinner.
She complied by soaking off all the labels on the cans
and frozen food packages.
%
REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
 
SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
the country folk in my state like to say.  It goes like this: "You can
carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
I have no idea why the country folk say this.  Maybe there's some kind
of chemical pollutant in their drinking water.  That is why I pledge to
do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs.  What we
need is jobs, not empty promises.  I realize I'm risking my political
career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
can't help it.
		-- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
%
    According to a recent survey by the Academy of Incomplete Research,
nine out of ten
%
Rules for driving in New York:
(1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
(2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
(3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the intersection.
%
A hunting day.

1:00 am.  Alarm clock rings.
2:00 am.  Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
2:30 am.  Throw everything except the kitchen sink into the pickup.
3:00 am.  Leave for the deep woods
3:15 am.  Drive back home to pick up gun.
3:30 am.  Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 am.  Set up camp. Forgot the damn tent.
4:30 am.  Head for the woods.
6:05 am.  See eight deer.
6:06 am.  Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 am.  CLICK
6:08 am.  Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00 am.  Head back to camp.
9:00 am.  Still looking for camp
10.00 am. Realize you don't know where camp is.
NOON      Fire your gun for help - eat wild berries.
2:15 pm. Run out of bullets - eight deer come back.
2:20 pm. Strange feeling in stomach.
2:30 pm. Realize you have eaten poison berries.
2:45 pm. Rescued.
2:55 pm. Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 pm. Arrive back at camp.
3:30 pm. Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 pm. Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 pm. Load gun - leave camp again.
5:00 pm. Empty gun at squirrel that is bugging you.
6:00 pm. Arrive at camp - see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 pm. Load gun.
6:02 pm. Fire gun.
6:03 pm. One dead pickup.
6:05 pm. Hunting, partner arrives in camp dragging deer.
6:06 pm. Repress desire to shoot hunting partner.
6:07 pm. Fall into fire.
6:10 pm. Change clothes.
6:15 pm. Take pickup. Leave hunting partner and his deer in camp.
6:25 pm. Pickup boils over - hole shot in block.
6:25 pm. Start walking.
6:30 pm. Stumble and fall. Drop gun in mud.
6:35 pm. Meet bear.
6:36 pm. Take aim.
6:37 pm. Fire gun. Blow up barrel,plugged with mud.
6:38 pm. Mess pants.
6:39 pm. Climb tree.
9:00 pm. Bear leaves. Wrap !*?*?!* gun around tree.
MIDNIGHT Home at last.
Sunday Watch football game on TV slowly tearing hunting license into
small pieces, place in envelope and mail to Game Department with
detailed instructions on where to place it.
%
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
		-- Herb Caen
%
Real newspaper headlines and adds:

   - "JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN LAID DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU HAVE TO
     GO WITHOUT A PAYCHECK."
                            - a teaser headline for a job search
                              article in the Waterbury
                              (Connecticut) Republican-American
                        [ Well, that's a relief! ]

   - "WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN?
     ABSOLUTELY!"           - The Houston Chronicle
                             [ MR. EVEREST? ]


   - "GIRL, 10, IMPROVES AFTER FATAL CRASH"  - Chicago Tribune


   - "HERE'S HOW TO RECOGNIZE THE SIGNS OF SUICIDE, SUNBURN"
                            - Wauwatosa (Wisconsin) News-Times
                 [ With one you're red, the other dead? ]


   - "SOMEBODY STOLE 21 TONS OF LIVER FROM TRUCKSTOP"  - AP
          [ Police watching onion shipments, just in case... ]


   - "MAN SHOOTS NEIGHBOR WITH MACHETE"  - Miami Herald
                     [ He didn't know it was loaded. ]


   - "REMAINS IDENTIFIED; POLICE BELIEVE VICTIM DIED"  - AP
          [ Don't worry, they'll be certain after the autopsy. ]

%
U.S. Congress Representative Dick Armey, who, when asked if he 
were in the President's place, would he resign, responded:

"If I were in the President's place, I would not get a chance to
resign; I would be lying in a pool of my own blood hearing Mrs. Armey
standing over me saying, 'How do I reload this goddamn thing?'" 
%
A jew, italian and a frenchman are about to be executed and they are
asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Italian responds, Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then
executed.

The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then
executed.

The Jew requests a plate of strawberries.

"STRAWBERRIES ????"

"Yes, Strawberries."

"I'm so sorry.....but they are out of season !"

"So, nu,  I'll wait . . . ."
%
Real newspaper headlines and adds:

   - "COMMON DRUG FOR PROSTRATE IS INNEFFECTIVE, STUDY FINDS"
                            - The New York Times, no less


   - "HOW WOMEN'S TOP 25 FARTED"
                            - Women's basketball scores in the
                              Boulder (Colorado) Daily Camera
                              that should have read "fared."


   - "GIRL BITTEN BY RAPID FOX AT ZOO"  - Reuters


   - "C.I.A. DRAFTS COVERT PLAN TO TOPPLE SADDAM"
                            - New York Times 
                  [ But don't tell him - it's a secret! ]


   - "DEPUTY AVIATION MANAGER EXPERIENCES TRAIN DELAY"  - AP
          [ The aviation manager takes the train? 
          Shouldn't we be worried about this? ]


   - "CHICK BLASTS SEXISM ON CITY COUNCIL"
                            - Story on Los Angeles City
                              Councilwoman Laura Chick in the Los
                              Angeles Daily News

%
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I
couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't
you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight.  He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed
out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on.  Jack swung, and the ball
disappeared down the middle of the fairway.  "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."
%
Real newspaper headlines and adds:

   - "FATAL SKIING TRIP GIVES MAN NEW PERSPECTIVE"
                            - Arlington Heights (Illinois) Daily Herald


   - "WATERSKIING ACCIDENT RULED ACCIDENTAL"
                            - Trenton (New Jersey) Times 


   - "STRIPPER RESENTS EXPOSURE"
                          [ Poor career choice? ]


   - "PIT BULLS LOVE YOU, REALLY"  - Reuters
                       [ Sure, as a quick snack... ]


   - "TERMINAL ILLNESS STRAINS QUALITY OF LIFE"
                            - Arizona Republic 
                            [ Hold Page One! ]


   - "HARVARD GETS TWO-PLY TOILET TISSUE"  - AP
                            [ Slow news day? ]


   - "PHALLUS MUSEUM ERECTED IN REYKJAVIK"  - AFP
%
	Hey kids, check out the cool new game that's sweeping the nation! 
Be the first on your block to own a copy of Graduate School(tm): The Game
from TenureCo, the makers of such classics as "Rush Hour Madness," "My
First Blue Book Exam," "Little Lawyer," and "Johnny Tax Auditor." 
	With Graduate School(tm): The Game you can experience all the fun
and realism of grad school in the comfort of your own home.  Every nuance
of the real graduate experience is reproduced in this game.  The game
takes you through the whole process: 
	- Application
	- acceptance
	- classwork
	- research
	- data analysis
	- psychoanalysis
	- authorship battles
	- boring talks
	- confusing talks
	- long talks
	- uncomprehensible talks
	- Depression
	- Social Isolation
	- Job Hunting
	And so much more!

	Call all your friends over for years of wholesome fun.  Check out
these great features of Graduate School(tm): The Game: 

	* Choose Your Own Character

	You have your choice of a wide variety of characters:
	- Jill: the emotionally unstable ABD
	- Fred: the naive first-year
	- Harold: the overwhelmed and under-funded RA
	- Laura: the disgruntled TA
	- Jaques: the exploited international student
	- Backstabbing Caroline: the political opportunist
	And many, many more!

	* Confront a Wide Array of Interesting Opponents
	Throughout your quests in strange and exotic lands you will
encounter people who apparently receive great joy at your misfortune, in
fact they are a major cause of this misfortune: 
	- Administress: the evil secretary with her dreaded red tape
	- Prof. Rewrite: if he gets on your committee you're doomed
	- Metoo: A fellow grad student who becomes a dead weight on all
	  your projects
	- Ronny: The smelly undergrad RA who scares all your subjects away
	- Partytime Pamela: Invites you to time wasting parties every
	  other night
	- Prof. Touchy-Feely: A sexual harrassment case waiting to happen
	- Rod Starr: Super Grad Student, makes you look bad by graduating
	  in 12 days
	- Susan Stickyfingers: Your kleptomaniac officemate
	Along with dozens of others!

	* Real Life Challenges
	Pick a Setback Card and see what fun adventures await you:
	- Join a Committee:  Research slows down 1/2
	- Videogame attack:  Lose 12 turns playing Snood
	- One More Analysis:  Repeat all previous analyses
	- Dissertation Scooped:  Go back to "new candidate" status
	- Get Drunk at a Conference:  Spin the Faculty Insult Wheel for
	  your penalty
	- Advisor Retires/Moves/Changes Interests:  Start over
	- Car Towed:  Sell your stereo to get it out of hock, lose motivation
	To name just a few!

	* Different Ways to Finish!
	Most games are boring.  They have a "winner" and a bunch of
"losers."  The goal of "Graduate School(tm): The Game" is different. 
There are no winners in grad school, only survivors and failures.  Your
goal is to be a survivor, that means different things to different people. 
There are a wide range of ways to survive: 
	- Go to law school:  Successfully escape
	- Marry rich:  Don't worry anymore
	- Find God:  Science is for fools
	- Family:  Change your priorities
	- Capitalize on one of your ideas and make millions: Ah, engineering...
	- Graduate: ???

	Graduate School(tm): The Game -- Look for it in stores near you!
%
Real newspaper headlines and adds:

   - "GALLERY REFLECTS ARTIST'S WORK"
                            - Austin (Texas) American-Statesman
                          [ As opposed to... ? ]


   - "HEAT PERFECT FOR NATIONAL NUDIST CONVENTION"  - Reuters


   - "MISSOURI GAS CHAMBER IS UNSAFE"
                            - Macon (Missouri) Chronicle-Herald
                    [ Wasn't that the general idea? ] 


   - "GERMAN MAGNETIC TRAIN MOVES FORWARD"  - AP
          [ They'll have reverse working any day now. ]


   - "WATCHDOG WARNS AGAINST INTERNET SPERM"  - Reuters
                        [ First Spam, now THIS?! ]


   - "FARM SCENE: THERE'S GOLD IN THOSE ELEPHANT DROPPINGS"
                            - AP
                       [ Yeah?  You look for it... ]

%
Real newspaper headlines and adds:

   - "HUSBAND AND WIFE SHOOT EACH OTHER AT MARRIAGE COUNSELING
     SESSION"  - AP
                      [ I'd call that unsuccessful. ]


   - "GORE DENIES WRONGDOING; VOWS NEVER TO DO IT AGAIN"
                    [ Hand-in-Cookie-Jar Award Winner ]


   - "STUDY LINKS MENOPAUSE, AGING"  - AP
                     [ That's what it said, period! ]


   - "WOMEN MAKE THE BEST MOMS"
                            - Webster City (Iowa) Daily
                              Freeman-Journal


   - "STUDY: SENIOR WOMAN ADMINISTRATORS OFTEN ARE MEN"
                            - Columbia (Missouri) Missourian


   - "BUTTER SAID AS DEADLY AS CIGARETTES"  - AP 
                           [ So don't inhale. ]


   - "MALE AND FEMALE BREASTS ARE DIFFERENT"  - Reuters
          [ This just HAD to be a government study. ]
%
A Pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his
time at the pub, so one night he took her along with him.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in
one go.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately
spat it out.

"Yuck!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out
enjoying myself every night!"
%
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
		-- Fletcher Knebel
%
During her annual checkup, a lady was asked to disrobe and climb onto
the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"That's all right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights.
You get undressed and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've
undressed.  What should I do with my clothes?"

"Put them over here, on top of mine!"
%
Always give 100% at work:

12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
 5% Friday
%
Sometimes athletes get a reputation for not being very smart.  This
isn't fair, of course.  Here are some examples of smart things that
sports people have been reported as saying:

* Tom Penders, basketball coach at the University of Texas, telling
what he told a player who had received four Fs and one D: "Son, looks
to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

* Dan Duva again, on the spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew
Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning,
regardless of what time it is."

* Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how
to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

* Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going
to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

* Joe Theismann, football commentator and former player: "Nobody in
football should be called a genius.  A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein."
%
The doctor entered the waiting room.

"I have some good news for you, Mrs. Douglas."

"Pardon me," she interrupted, "but it's Miss."

"The doctor said, "I have some bad news for you, Miss Douglas."
%
A foreman on a moving project sent an accident report to the safety
engineer, with this note attached: 

"Enclosed find report on accident when the piano fell on Casey's foot. 
Where it says 'Remarks' do you want mine or Casey's?"
%
... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks.  Generally, their
procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
to infest the waters.  I would estimate that the primary food source of
sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
documentaries.  Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
listless.  The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
documentary."  So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
under the guise of Scientific Research.  "We know very little about the
effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
scientific voice.  "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
in the testicles with a cattle prod."  The divers keep this kind of
thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all
along.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
%
The Father, passing through the son's college town late one night on
a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy.

Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After
several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a
second floor window.

"Whattya want?"

"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.

"Yeah!", replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch and
we'll take care of him in the morning."
%
There's the story about the man that walks into a house of ill
repute in Reno and says, "I'll give $20,000 to any woman here
who'll come into the desert with me and do it MY way."

One of the ladies agrees, and off they go driving into the desert.
After about an hour she gets curious, and asks him "Just what
is your way?"

"On credit."
%
Grant once wired Lincoln, "Mr President, some of the troops are
revolting."  The President wired back, "Well General, you're pretty
repulsive yourself."
%
        "Darn," said an ardent young man, reading a letter.
        His friend, standing near him, said, "Bad news?'
        "Disturbing news, anyway," said the young man.  "It's from
someone who says if I don't stay away from his wife, he'll kill me."
        "In that case, if I were you, I would stay away from his wife."
        "Which one?   The letter is anonymous."
%
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and
after the wedding, laid down the following rules:  "I'll be home
when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner  to be on
the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing,
boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and
don't you give me a hard time about it.  Those are my rules.
Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand
that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether
you're here or not."
%
"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord
because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a
neighbor.
 
"You didn't do it, did you?"
 
"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might
add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent
is paid up for six months!"
%
        A man enters by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day,
sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.  The waitress, 
who is very busy, pours him his coffee and rushes off to help the 
numerous customers having lunch at the diner.  The man, who uses both 
cream and sugar in his coffee, notices that the containers are empty.  
As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar 
for his coffee.  

        The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, 
rushes to the back to pick up more orders.   As she passes the 
cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate 
down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because 
both her hands are full.  After she has served the two plates she was 
holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes 
did you want in your coffee?"

        The man says, "Two's fine."

        She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops 
them into his cup.  "And cream?" she asks.

        The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You 
wouldn't dare!?!"
%
A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married.  Before
getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to
make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because she
is quite flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is
okay with her.

The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is
flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that
he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is
just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is okay
with him.

The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind,
and she also believed there are other things far more important than
sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to
Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her
clothes, she is as flat as a washboard.

Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked
body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

After she became conscious, the guy said, "I told you before we got
married; why did you still faint?

The girl said, You told me it was just like a baby. 

The guy replied, That's right, 8 pounds and 21 inches.

%
* warning: sick

A leper walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Right away, the bartender looks at the man and starts screaming, "OH
MY GOD!  THAT IS THE SICKEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN!"

The leper looks back at him and says, "Hey man! I've got leprosy!
Anyone who isn't blind can see that! WHY are you making such a big
deal about it?"

The bartender replies, "It's NOT YOU! IT'S THE GUY STANDING THERE AND
DIPPING CHIPS IN YOUR ARM!"
%
"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy."
%
Spelling is a lossed art.
%
Thanksgiving forecast:

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an
afternoon high near 190F.  The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if
you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will
slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches
on plates.  Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry
sauce creates slippery spots on the other.  Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire
area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway.  During the
evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping
to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
                           
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches
will be established.  Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days
with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day.  We expect
a warming trend where soup develops.  By early next week, eating
pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
%
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
	Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
another drink.
%
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came
upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the
curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of
heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." 

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were
right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did
you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000
Shekels on Goliath'."
%
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery: You are wlcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:  To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In a Swiss mountain inn:  Special today--no ice cream.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the
USSR, you are welcome to it.
%
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,
but couldn't find one big enough for her family.  She asked a stock
boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No
ma'am, they're dead."
%
A fresh faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother
with the following question.

"Mum,  why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town
that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mum and goes off to double-check this with his
father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household
appliances come in white."
%
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an
accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran
a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.  "But
mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to
have to worry about money.  Your job will be to take all the money
worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said.  "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed.  "How can such a
small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
%
Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a
mother-daughter talk.

Hillary asks Chelsea, "You have been going to college for awhile now,
Have you had sex yet?"

Chelsea says, "Well, not according to Dad."
%
A friend was admitted to a private weight-loss clinic. Feeling
sympathetic, I sent flowers.

The thank-you note arrived a few days later.

"Thanks for the flowers," it read. "They were delicious."
%
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
%
BUCHAREST, Romania (AP) _ When a young Romanian man was jilted days
before his wedding, his parents came up with a solution: They rented a
bride.

Determined to save their 22-year-old son Lucian's honor and not lose
money spent on nuptials, the family also rented parents for the bride,
the Evenimentul Zilei newspaper reported.

For days, the ``bride,'' a childhood friend named Mariana, rehearsed
lines and practiced the ceremony with the groom.  Lucian's family
agreed that in exchange for her trouble, Mariana would receive $100.

In Romania, wedding guests give money to help defray costs.  If the
wedding had been canceled, the family would have lost the hundreds of
dollars it had spent.

But only two-thirds of the guests came, and some, surprised by the new
bride, weren't as generous as expected. As a result, Mariana received
only $3 instead of the $100 she was promised.

And that isn't her only headache: Apparently, Lucian has fallen for
her and wants the marriage to last.
%
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for
a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you
already want a 3-day pass?  You must do something spectacular for that
recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the
Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white
flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab
soldier, "Do you want to get a 3-day pass?  So we exchanged tanks!"
%
Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one
night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.  They bought five
$1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.  The following week, when the
raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti
sauce.  Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply
of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.  And Harry won the sixth prize - a
toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they
were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom.  "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Dick.  "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
%
  REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...
 It's an incentive to show up.
 It reduces stress.
 It leads to more honest communications.
 It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
 It eliminates vacations because people would rather come
 to work.
 It makes fellow employees look better.
 It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
 Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are
 wasted.
 Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
 Employees work later since there's no longer a need to
 relax at the bar.
 Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
%
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every
time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china
piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually
athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it
smashes. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are
handfuls of five and ten dollar bills.
 He asks his wife "Where's all these bills come from?"
 "Well," she replied, "Not everyone is as cheap as you are."
%
A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4
(knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and
deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:

I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my
income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have
enclosed a check for $150.00.

If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.
%
REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that the official
release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed
until the second quarter of 1901.
%
There are three guys drinking in a bar, when another man comes in and 
starts drinking. After a while he approaches the guys, and, pointing 
at the one in the middle, shouts: "I've #*$%ed your mom!"

The three guys look bewildered as man bellies back up to the bar.

Ten minutes later he comes back. "Your mom's sucked my &%#*!"  Same 
thing happens. Ten minutes later he announces, "I've had your mom up 
the @*$!"

The young guys have had enough, and the one in the middle stands up 
and shouts, "Look, Dad, you're drunk, go home!!!!!"
%
e^x and a constant function are walking down the street when they see
a differential operator coming toward them.  The constant function
says, "Oh no, a differential operator.  If I meet him, I'm through.
I'd better get out of here."  And so the constant function runs off
down an alley.  But e^x thinks, "No problem, I'm e^x.  Differential
operators don't scare me."  And he walks up to the differential
operator, holds out his hand and says, "Hi, I'm e^x."  And the
differential operator shakes his hand and says, "Hi, I'm d/dy."
%
Robert had just received his brand new drivers license.  His mum, dad,
and little brother Steve all head out to the driveway, and they all
get into the car, as Robert is going to take them for a ride for the
first time.  Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind
the newly minted driver..

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those
months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,"
says Rob, beaming to the 'ole man..

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of yer
seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
%
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National
Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) decided it needed a ball
point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was
developed at a cost of $1 million U.S.  The pen worked and also
enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
%
* warning: tasteless to some degree

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.  He'd
toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.  He tried and tried to
dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper.  He asked his
wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and
decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with
her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date
said he could get the peanut out.  The young man told the father to
sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to
blow hard.  When the father blew, the peanut flew out.  The mother and
daughter jumped and yelled for joy.  The young man insisted that it
was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen
for something to eat.  Once he was gone the mother turned to the
father and said, "That's wonderful.  Isn't he smart? What do you think
he's going to be when he grows older?!"

The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"
%
A customer complained to tech support that her computer was not
working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the
computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to "Unplug
the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."

About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power
cord in her hand.
%
In Gennifer Flowers' book, she says President Clinton was a great
lover. This has to be frustrating for him... the first time in two
years anybody's written something nice about him...  and he has to
deny it.
%
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a 
bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION 
ALL" and farts loudly. 

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at 
the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." 

The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn.."
%
* warning: sex

A man and his wife are screwing.  Fifteen minutes has passed, thirty
minutes, then 45 minutes.  Sweat is pouring off both of them.

After a few more moments, the wife comments, "Can't you think of anyone
either?"
%
*warning: obscene

The Pharaoh was dictating, and his scribes were busily chipping away
at the stone tablet.  "Me, Ptolemeh . . . the most intelligent
. . . the bravest . . . ", the monarch said slowly, "the biggest
magician . . . of all times . . . the most virile . . . the most..." 

The chips flew, but then suddenly a perspired scribe raised his hand:
"Excuse me, Chief-Scribe, how do you spell 'virile': two penises or
three testicles?"
%
At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the
baby she held in her arms.  The clerk explained that the device was
out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by
weighing the blonde and baby together on the adult scale, then
weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the
first.

"It won't work, I'm the aunt."
%
We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could
produce the Complete Works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the
Internet, we know this is not true.
%
*warning: gross

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many
years. First guy asks the second guy "how have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. tells the first guy
"I    w..a..s..  a..l..m..o..s..t   m..a..r..r..i..e..d".

The first guy says in amazement "Hey; you don't stutter any more."
The answer comes "y..e..s   I  w..e..n..t   t..o   a    d..o..c..t..o..r
a..n..d   h..e   t..o..l..d    m..e  t..h..a..t  i..f  I
s..p..e..a..k..   s..l..o..w..l..y  I    w..i..l..l   n..o..t
s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he
"was almost married".

"W..e..l..l    m..y    f..i..a..n..c..e..e    a..n..d   I   w..e..r..e
s..i...t..t..i..n..g..  o..n   h..e..r     p..o...r..c..h   a..n..d
t..h..e  d..o..g  w..a..s   s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g  h..i..s
b..a..c..k    a..n..d    I    t..o..l..d  h..e..r   t..h..a..t
w..h..e..n    w..e     a..r..e    m..a..r..r..i..e..d    s..h..e
c..a..n   d..o   t..h..a..t   f..o..r    m..e   a..n..d  s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w   t..h..e     r..i..n..g    i..n    m..y
f..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that" asks the
first friend.

"W..e..l..l     I     s..p..e..a..k    s..o  s..l..o..w..l..y,
t..h..a..t     b..y     t..h..e   t..i..m..e     s..h..e
l..o..o..k..e..d..   a..t   t..h..e   d..o..g,     h..e    w..a..s
l..i..c..k..i..n..g   h..i..s    b..a..l..l..s".
%
The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late
for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
%
Airhead Airlines, Flight 101, is coming in for a landing, and the
pilot is freaking out.  The sweat is jumping off his brow.
(Planelanding and screeching to a halt.)  RRRtttt!  He turns to
the co-pilot, and he says, "Man, that is the *shortest* runway
I ever landed on."  The co-pilot says, "Yeah, and so *wide*."
%
The young lady admired the watch in the store window every time
she walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day and said,

"Just how much is that watch?" 

"It's $2000, ma'am." 

"Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?" 

"Just what sort of 'time schedule' did you have in mind?" 

"I was thinking two times a week for the next two months."
%
* warning: ethnic references

The Scot told his wife: "Be sure now to take off your new
eye glasses if you're not looking at anything."
%
A physicist tried to beat a ticket for running a red light by telling
the judge that at the speed he was approaching the signal, the red
light was Doppler shifted so it appeared green. The judge pondered
this for a few minutes and tore up the red light ticket. Then, seeing
as the physicist would have to be driving about a quarter of the speed
of light to see a red signal as green, the judge fined him 269 million
dollars for speeding, one dollar for each kilometer per hour over the
limit.
%
To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
                -- MIT Assasination Club
%
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers
   rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear
   anything at all.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative.
   What if my  baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and
   genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose
   as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my
   feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during
   pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to
   bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me.
   Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
   borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, dipshit?

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring
   on labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and
   a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
   labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
   wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see
   me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, oderlies, photographers,
   florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra.  It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and
   puts him to sleep first.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
   normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
%
* warning: sex

The US finally sent the first manned space mission to Mars.  The
spacecraft gently touched down and the astronaut descended and tested
the atmosphere.  Low and behold it was safe for people to breathe. He
removed his space suit and exited the spacecraft.  He was amazed to
find himself in a lush green valley surrounded with beautiful wooded
hills. He hiked for some distance and came upon a beautiful little
white cottage with a lush green lawn surrounded by a white picket
fence like something out of Better Homes and Gardens.  He walked up to
the front door and found it open.

He walked inside, looked around and hearing noises from the kitchen he
went back there.  WOW, to his amazement he saw the most beautiful
blonde he had ever seen standing over a large pot on the stove.
Inside the pot was a gooey mess that she was stirring with a large
spoon.  As he watched she kept stirring and stirring.

After a couple hours he finally asked her what she was doing.  She
replied that she was having a baby.  He was quite skeptical but after
a couple more hours of stirring she reached down into the gooey mess
and pulled out a beautiful baby girl.  He told her that was really
amazing but that was not the way it was done on Earth.  She replied
"how do you do it on Earth?"

With a twinkle in his eyes he said come on back to the bedroom and
I'll show you.  After an hour of the wildest sex he had ever
experienced he lay back exhausted and lit up a cigarette.  She said
"well where is the baby ".

He said " Oh that takes nine months ". She replied " well why did you
stop stirring."
%
Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a
conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside
hers.  "Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"  "Yes, I do," he
responded, then returned to his book.  Goldie persisted. "Do you like
gardening?"  The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said
politely before returning to his reading.  Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do
you like pussycats?"  With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on
Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.  As the cloud of
sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and
panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"  The man thought for
a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
%
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor
spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it: The nurses hair was
unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment,
one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!

"MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around the hospital
not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!"

"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform,
"It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're
through using it!"
%
Advice for office managers: if you keep the sexual harassment
complaint forms in the bottom drawer, then when a woman gets one out
you'll get a great view of her arse.
%
* ethnic references

A Scot meets a friend at a train station and explains he's
off to Glasgow on his honeymoon.  His friend asks, "And just
where is your wife."

"She's seen Glasgow." the groom replied.
%
* warning: religious characters

Two Baptist ministers are talking about the immorality of the country
today, and one of them says, "I didn't sleep with my wife before I was
married.  How 'bout you?"  And the other says, "I don't know.  What
was her maiden name?"
%
Our subject today is lighting charcoal grills. One of our favorite
charcoal grill lighters is a guy names George Goble (really), computer
person in the Purdue University engineering department.  Each year,
Goble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic in West Lafayette,
Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on a big grill.  Being
engineers, they began looking for practacal ways to speed up the
charcoal-lighting process.  "We started by blowing the charcoal with a
hair dryer,"Goble told me in a telephone interview.  "Then we figured
out that it would light faster if we used a vacuum cleaner."  If you
know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you know
what happened: The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from
cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal.

From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated tp using a propane torch,
then an acetylene torch.  Then Goble started using compressed pure
oxygen, which caused the charcoal to burn much faster, because as you
recall from chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid combination
of oxygen with a reducing agent (the charcoal).  We discovered that a
long time ago, somewhere in the valley between the Tigris an Euphrates
rivers (or something along those lines).  By this point, Goble was
getting pretty good times.  But in the world of competitive
charcoal-lighting "pretty good" does not cut the mustard.

Thus Goble hit upon the idea of using - get ready - liquid oxygen.
This is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines; it's 295 degrees
below zero and 600 times as dense as regular oxygen.  In terms of
releasing energy, pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equivalent
of throwing a live squirrel into a room containing 50 million labrador
retrievers.

On Goble's World Wide Web page (http://ghg.ecn.purdue edu/)you can see
actual photgraphs and video of Goble using a bucket attached to a
10-foot-long wooden handle to dump 3 gallons of liquid oxygen (not
sold in stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal and a
lit cigarette for ignition.  What follows is the most impressive
charcoal-lighting I have ever seen, featuring a large fireball that
according to Goble, reached 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit.  The charcoal
was ready for cooking in - this has to be a world record - 3 seconds.

There's also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same
technique on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill.  All that's left is
a circle of charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it.  "Basically,
the grill evaporated," said Goble.  "We were thinking of returning it
to the store for a refund."  Looking at Goble's video and photos,I
became, as an American, all choked up with gratitude at the fact that
I do not live anywhere near the engineers' picnic site.

But also, I was proud of my country for producing guys who can be
ready to barbecue in less time than it takes for guys in less-advanced
nations, such as France, to spit.  Will the 3-second barrier ever be
broken? Will engineers come up with new, more powerful
charcoal-lighting technology? It's something for all of us to ponder
this summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers, every now and
then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette Indiana, looking for
a mushroom cloud!
%
A funeral service is being held in a Synagogue for a woman
who has just passed away.

At the end of the Service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket
out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.   
They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.  She
lives for ten more years and then dies.  A ceremony is again held at
the same Synagogue and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers
are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, " Watch out for the wall!!!!"
%
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
%
The young seamstress closed her shop after many long hours at her
sewing machine.  As she slowly walked home she was accosted by a
flasher who opened his raincoat while standing a few feet in front of
her.

The girl glanced at the man and then said in disgust, "You call that a
lining?"
%
They were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. 

The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple
integral. 

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and
measured the total displacement. 

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his
red-rubber-ball table.
%
January 4, 2000

Dear Valued Employee: 
Re: Vacation Pay 

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the
past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware,employees are granted 3
weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One
additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either
take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check
will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and
interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely, 

Automated Payroll Processing
%
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot.  He
had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without
Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation.  All work ceased, and the
boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the
corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn,
his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.  He limped painfully
to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon
him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the
subway.  Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a
whole hour?"
%
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. 

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? 

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny 
spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use...perhaps
toothpicks? 

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full 
of portraits by Picasso. 

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
%
Add one little bit on the end...  Think of `potatoe', how's it
spelled?  You're right phonetically, but what else...?  There ya
go... all right!
      -- Vice President Dan Quayle correcting a student's correct
spelling of the word `potato' during a spelling bee at an elementary
school in Trenton.

I should have caught the mistake on that spelling bee card.  But as
Mark Twain once said, `You should never trust a man who has only one
way to spell a word'.
      -- Vice President Dan Quayle, actually quoting from President
Andrew Jackson.

I should have remembered that was Andrew Jackson who said that, since
he got his nickname `Stonewall' by vetoing bills passed by Congress.
      -- Vice President Dan Quayle, confusing Andrew Jackson with
Confederate General Thomas J. `Stonewall' Jackson, who actually got
his nickname at the first Battle of Bull Run. 
%
Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality,
goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future
she finds the answer: "You will die on a Jewish holiday.

"Which one?" Arafat asks nervously.

"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll
be a Jewish holiday.
%
Some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

* On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

* On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary.  Details inside.

* On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions:  Use like regular soap.

* Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

* On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating

* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body

* On Boot's CHILDREN's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery
%
Some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

* On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness

* On a kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.

* On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

* On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

* On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts

* On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

* On a chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
%
Then: Killer Weed
Now:  Weed Killer

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now:  Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now:  Getting a new hip joint

Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now:  Moving to California because it's warm

Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now:  Storming into the principal's office

Then: Peace Sign
Now:  Mercedes Logo

Then: OJ, cutting & slashing
Now:  OJ, cutting & slashing

Then: Getting your head stoned
Now:  Getting your headstone

Then: "The Making of the President"
Now:  The making of the President

Then: Long hair
Now:  Longing for hair

Then: Acid rock
Now:  Acid reflux

Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party
Now:  Worrying about no one coming to your funeral

Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying President
Now:  Fighting to keep the lying President

Then: The perfect high
Now:  The perfect high-yield mutual fund

Then: Elvis in the army
Now:  Elvis in a UFO

Then: Keg
Now:  EKG

Then: Swallowing acid
Now:  Swallowing antacid

Then: pothead
Now:  potbelly

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
Now:  Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now:  Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: Passing the driving test
Now:  Passing the vision test

Then: Seeds and stems
Now:  Roughage

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Now:  Popping joints

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel
Now:  Our president's struggle with fidelity.
%
I believe we are on   an irreversible trend   toward more freedom  and
democracy - but that could change.
    -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) 

One word sums up probably   the responsibility of any vice  president,
and that one word is `to be prepared'.
    -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) 

What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not  to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is.
    -- Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while speaking to the
       United  Negro College Fund, 5/9/89 This   gem has been added to
       Bartlett's
    `Familiar Quotations'. (reported in Esquire, 8/92) (reported in the NY Times, 12/9/92)

Hawaii has always  been a very  pivotal role in the  Pacific. It is in
the Pacific. It is a part of the United  States that is an island that
is right here.
    -- Vice President Dan Quayle, Hawaii, 4/25/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) 

Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.
    -- Vice President  Dan  Quayle  addressing the   20th  anniversary
       celebration of the  moon landing, 7/20/89 (reported in Esquire,
       8/92)

Mars is  essentially in the same   orbit... Mars is  somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important.  We have seen pictures
where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that
means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
    -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) 
%
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man
standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and
starts spraying scent all over them.
 
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and
asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine
cards signed, 'Guess who?'" 
 
"But why?" asks the man.
 
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
%
Q: How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves? 
A: Buy her a diamond ring.
%
* warning: somewhat obscene

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to
check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union
house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't." said the madame.

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down
the street in search of a more equitable shop.

At the second one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't." said the madame.

"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a
more equitable shop.

His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the
madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned.

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the man said.  He looked around the room and
pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead.  "I'd like her for the
night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame while gesturing to a
grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has
seniority."
%
*warning: politically obscene.  But you're used to this

This is the FBI summary of a conversation that took place this week
between President Clinton and Ashley, a brand new intern in the White
House.  Ashley walked into the White House for her first day of her
internship and was greeted by the President.  After a short tour of
the White House the President asked "Would you like to see the
Presidential Clock?"

Ashley looked troubled and said "I don't know Mr. President.  I have
heard some pretty bad things about you.  I don't think that would be a
good idea."  

"Nonsense" said the President.  "It's just a clock."

Ashley agreed and the President led her into the Oval Office where
they were alone.  He closed the door, dropped his pants, and pulled it
out.

Ashley gasped.  "Oh that's not the Presidential Clock, that's the
Presidential Cock!"

To which the President responded: "Ashley honey, once you put a face
and two hands on it, it's a clock!"
%
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of 
his employees.

"Yes, sir," the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. 
"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's 
funeral, she stopped in to see you.
%
While giving a physical, the doctor noticed that his patient's shins
were covered with dark, savage bruises.

"Tell me," said the doctor, "do you play hockey or soccer?"

"Neither," said the man, "My wife and I play bridge.
%
There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting
on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final
years in bliss on a farm.

The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge
face with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She
saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi!
I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I'm a cow," said the cow.

"Right, right, what do you do?"

"I make milk for the farmer."

"Cool."

The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it.
"Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I'm a chicken," said the chicken.

"Oh, right, what do you do?"

"I make eggs for the farmer."

"Right, great, see ya round."

Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like
her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What
are you?"

"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.

"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"

"Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."
%
     One current fashion trend won't land you in jail, but it may
make you look that way.  Police in both London and Milwaukee have
recently been confused by people wearing prison garb.
     In England, prison clothing has become a popular trend, with
prices of up to 50 pounds ($81) for prison work shirts.  One
inmate was re-arrested moments after his release when prison
officials found he had stolen 25 of the regulation blue and white
striped shirts to sell to fashion retailers.  
     And in Milwaukee, police detained a man boarding a bus when
they saw he was wearing a blaze orange jumpsuit with the words
"Milwaukee County Jail" stenciled on the back.  No problem, he
was just wearing designer George Keppler's latest creation which
he bought locally for $69.
     It's unlikely that the clothing will be made illegal, but on
the other hand, isn't it lucky that Milwaukee guy wasn't running
for the bus?  (Reuters)
%
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size
extra large condoms.  

He replies, "Yes we do.  Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until
someone does?"
%
Woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.
HIM "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today"
HER "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear"
HIM "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news"
HER "Well, the air bag works"
%
* warning: somewhat gloom

	Lightning Kills 11 in Soccer Game.  Oct 28, 1998

	KINSHASA, Congo (AP) -- Lightning killed 11 members of a  
Congolese soccer team and injured dozens more people during a 
weekend match, the Congolese news agency reported. The report could 
not be independently confirmed. Local investigators blamed the 
lightning bolt on witchcraft because none of the players on the 
opposing team from nearby Basangana village were injured, the 
agency reported. The two teams were tied 1-1 when the lightning 
struck. 
%
Four people have been playing poker in a smoky room for several hours.
Suddenly, one of them has an heart attack; he falls from his chair to
the floor.

The other players come to help and revive him but there's nothing to
do: he dies in a few moments.

Then, one of the three remaining players says troubled:

"And now, what shall we do?"

Another answers: "Let's take the sevens out of the deck"
%
The blonde reported for her University final examination which
consists of "yes/no" type questions.  She takes her seat in the
examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and
then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and
starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for heads
and No for tails.  Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the
rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the
coin, swearing and sweating.  The moderator, alarmed, approaches her
and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking
my answers."
%
One night after the big fight Mike Tyson was a bit depressed so he
decided to get a prostitute to cheer him up. After the act, they were
laying in bed having a smoke. The prostitute said "Well Mike, how's it
all going?"

"How's it all going?" he asked. "My life's a disaster. I was born to
an under-privileged family, had a hard up-bringing, was thrown in jail
for rape, now I'm on parole and I've hit a cop, my wife left me for
beating her up, I have to pay maintenance for my kids, I've lost two
world title fights, I've disgraced myself and my sport, most people
want me banned me for life and they won't pay me my money. Nothing
could make my life any worse."

"Oh, that's so sad" the prostitute said. "I'll say one thing to 
cheer you up. You're a much better lover than Magic Johnson!"
%
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:
                  ____________________________________
                 |
                 | $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER! 
                 |____________________________________

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant ears on rye. She calmly
writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks
loose!  The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen.  He
runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and
says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the
first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
%
A one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.

He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he
forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions,
undressed, and bent over.  The first thing the proctologist saw when he
looked up the man's butt was that eye staring right back at him.  "You
know, "said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
%
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at
home. She decided she would like to have a beautiful parrot; it
wouldn't be as much work as say, a dog, and it would be fun to hear it
speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful
parrot.  She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.  The
owner said it was $50.

Delighted that such a rare-looking and beautiful bird wasn't more
expensive, she agreed to buy it.  The owner looks at her and says,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a
whorehouse.  Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird.
She said she would buy it anyways.  The petshop owner sold her the
bird and she took it home.  She hung the bird's cage up in her living
room and waited for it to say something.  The bird looked around the
room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
that's not so bad."  A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage
daughters returned from school.  When they inspected the bird, it
looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began
to laugh about the situation.  A couple of hours later, the woman's
husband came home from work.  The bird looked at him and said,  "New
house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George!"
%
        A woman was applying for a maid's position.  When asked why
she left her last place of employment, she replies:

        Yes sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most 
        ridiculous place I ever worked.  They played a game 
        called "Bridge" and last night a lot of folks were 
        there.  As I was about to bring in the refreshments, 
        I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you got."  
        Another man said, "I've got strength, but no length."  
        And another man said to the lady, "Take your hand off
        my trick."  I nearly dropped dead when the lady answered, 
        "You forced me....you jumped me when you didn't have the 
        strength for one raise."  Another lady was talking about 
        protecting her honor.  Two other ladies were talking, and 
        one said, "Now it's time for you to play with my husband, 
        and I will play with yours."  Well, I just got my hat and 
        coat, and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them 
        didn't say, "Well, I guess we'll go home now.  This is 
        the last rubber."
%
Three friends are sitting around their favorite pub. The first guy says
"Hey guys, I know this other bar where you go in and every third drink
that you order, you get the next one free. On top of that, about 1/4 of
the time I go in there, I get laid." 

The second guy says, "That's nothing! I know this bar where you get every
other drink on the house, and I get laid there about 1/2 the times that 
I go in" 

The third guy, unimpressed, says, "Hell, I've got you both beat. I know 
of a place where you get every drink on the house and you get laid EVERY
time you go in." 

The other two say, "WOW! Where is it?" 

The third guy responds, "I don't know, my wife won't tell me."
%
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is a
total-loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the
leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
%
The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor
were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the
class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave --
with no penalties for missing a class.  The rooms were equipped with
the type wall clocks which "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very
noticeable fashion.  As it were, these clocks were also not of the
most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered
that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would
cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.

So, it became almost daily practice for these students to take target
practice at the clock ( as it would have it, this particular professor
was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely
"absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were
passed, and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor
strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You have
1 hour to complete".

The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around
the room, gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had
successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed
the class and collected the exam papers.
%
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to
speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had
been.

"Sidney thought of everything", she told them.  "Just before he died,
Sidney called me to his bedside.  He handed me three envelopes.
Tillie', he told me.  'I have put all my last wishes in these three
envelopes.  After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have
instructed.  Then I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this
money to buy a nice casket'.  So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket
with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very
comfortably.

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this
for a nice funeral'. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought
all his favorite foods for when we began shiva".

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to
buy a nice stone'.

At that point, Tillie held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger,
on which was a ten carat diamond ring.

"So", said Tillie, "You like my stone?"
%
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one
night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill
told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners
what had happened.

About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car
with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his
clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?", asked Bill.

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his
19-year old daughter made mad passionate love to me," said the driver.

"My God, what did you tell them?", asks Clinton.

The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the
pig."
%
Oilers coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his
wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too
damn ugly to kiss goodbye."

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want
all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me.  I want all the kids
to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
season:"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes
first."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because
of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a
professor.  The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your
brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his
visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that
we went to."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27
record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road.  As general
manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told
him,'Son,what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy? ' He said,
'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' " (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach,
John Jenkins:"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)  
%
Nomination for effective government gold medal for 1999:

The Chinese government has ordered all top airline executives to be on a
flight when the clock strikes midnight, on Jan. 1, 2000, according to The
Financial Times.
%
One day in the first grade class as the teacher was reading the story
of the Three Little Pigs.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to
acquire building materials for his home.  She said "...And so the pig
went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon
me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'"
Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man
said?" and a child raised his hand and said:

"I know! I know!  He said 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"
%
Q: Is there a proper procedure for asking the support staff
questions? 

A: Questions will not be answered by the support
staff unless the proper procedure is used.
%
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to the
Salvation Army instead.  They'll clean it and put it on a
hanger.  Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
  --Billiam Coronel
%
     Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife good-bye 
when they leave the house?  Of these same men 90% will kiss their 
house good-bye when their wife leaves.
%
Mark Twain was once asked the difference between a mistake and a
blunder.  He explained it this way: "If you walk into a restaurant and
walk out with someone's silk umbrella and leave your own cotton one,
that is a mistake.  But if you pick up someone's cotton umbrella and
leave your own silk one, that is a blunder."
%
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in?  I think
that's how dogs spend their lives.
  --Sue Murphy
%
I think that's how Chicago got started.  A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough.  Let's go west.'
  --Richard Jeni
%
Guests in a Cairo hotel, hearing a scream in the corridor, discovered
a damsel in negligee being pursued by a gentleman who was to put it
bluntly, nude.  Later it developed that the impetuous Romeo was a
British Army Major, who was promptly court-martialed. His Lawyer won
him acquittal however, by virtue of the following paragraph in the
army manual....

'It is not compulsory for an officer to wear a uniform at all times,
as long as he is suitably dressed for the sport in which he is
engaged'
%
Two Irishmen, Murphy and O'Brian grew up in the same village
together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair
of sisters, and lived just down the street from one another.
But now, Murphy had cancer, and was lying on his deathbed,
surrounded by his friends. 

He calls, "O'Brian, come 'ere O'Brian. I 'ave a request for ye."
O'Brian walks to his friends bedside and kneels down. 

"O'Brian, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm dying
'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do." 

O'Brian bursts into tears, "Anything Murphy, anything ye wish.
It's done." 

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest
whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was.
After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour
that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones 
and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity." 

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his
friend's request. 

"Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the
whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
%
Sporting misquotes:

"Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few  weeks ago"
(David Coleman)

"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" 
(David Coleman)

"After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't
underestimate them.  They were a lot better than we thought" 
(Bobby Robson)

"And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand" 
(David Coleman)

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living
inItaly: "It was like being in a foreign country" 
(Ian Rush)
%
Sporting misquotes:

"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator".
(John Arlott)

"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of
play" 
(Peter Lorenzo)

"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they
equalised" 
(Ian McNail)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
(Winston Bennett)

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a
lifetime for that prat" 
(Ron Atkinson)
%
A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. The rabbi is
accompanying him. "So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all
your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?"

"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make
bread of them again and send it to us."

"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?"

"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send
them to us."

"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?"

The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well."

"To the city!? And what do they send to you?"

"Today they have sent you to us."
%
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not
true.  I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk."
                                          -- Stephen King, 3/8/90
%
Sporting misquotes:

"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost"
(Frank Bruno)

"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people" 
(David Coleman)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which
is identical" 
(Murray Walker)

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the
race, only exactly the opposite" 
(Murray Walker)

"She's not Ben Johnson -- but then who is?"  
(David Coleman)
%
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes
still parked out the front.  He goes round the back of the pub only to find
two bikers, one with his fingers up the butt of the other.

"So what's going on here?" he asks.

The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to
make him vomit."

The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT."

The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"
%
A long, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20, I went to a bar with an
older friend.  The guy at the door asked for my ID.  I gave him my
driver's license, which of course had my date of birth printed on it.

He looked at it and said, "You have to be 21 to get in here."  I
replied, "That ID is a few years old."

He looked at it again for a moment, then said "Oh, OK" and let me in.
%
Sporting misquotes:

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" 
(Greg Norman)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them
serious" 
(Alan Minter)

"The Port Elizabeth ground is more of a circle than an oval.  It's
long and square"
(Trevor Bailey)

"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball" 
(John Francombe)

"Watch the time -it gives you an indication of how fast they are
running"
(Ron Pickering)
%
         Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The `90s
                by Scott Adams, Windows Magazine,  May 1995

I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip
"Dilbert."  Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths,
stalkers, comic-strip fans -- that sort of person.  But a growing
number are from women who write to say they think Dilbert is sexy.
Some say they've already married a Dilbert and couldn't be happier.

If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical engineer who
spends most of his time with his computer.  He's a nice guy but not
exactly Kevin Costner.

Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and educated.  And he stays
home.  These are good traits, but they don't exactly explain the
incredible sex appeal.  So what's the attraction?

I think it's a Darwinian thing.  We're attracted to the people who
have the best ability to survive and thrive.  In the old days it was
important to be able to run down an antelope and kill it with a single
blow to the forehead.

But that skill is becoming less important every year.

Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet card
without having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to a
stranger whose best career option is to work in tech support.

It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of people, each
with its own evolutionary destiny:

Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike
non-corporeal beings who rule the universe (except for those who work
in tech support).

Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly use hand
calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets.  This group
will gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and operators of
pet crematoriums.  Eventually they will become extinct.

Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and fling dung at
tourists.

Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which
evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't want to
put them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics.  You want a
real man.  You want a knowledgeable computer user with evolution
potential.

And women prefer men who listen.  Computer users are excellent
listeners because they can look at you for long periods of time
without saying anything.  Granted, early in a relationship it's better
if the guy actually talks.  But men use up all the stories they'll
ever have after six months.  If a woman marries a guy who's in, let's
say, retail sales, she'll get repeat stories starting in the seventh
month and lasting forever.  Marry an engineer and she gets a great
listener for the next 70 years.

Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy to mate
with somebody who has an indoor hobby.  Outdoorsy men are applying
suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still look
like dried chili peppers in pants.  Compare that with the healthy glow
of a man who spends 12 hours a day in front of a video screen.

It's also well established that computer users are better lovers.  I
know because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman
who married a computer user and they reportedly had sex many times.  I
realize this isn't statistically valid, but you have to admit it's the
most persuasive thing I've written so far.

If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their hair.
They tend to have either: (1) male pattern baldness -- a sign of
elevated testosterone -- or (2) unkempt jungle hair -- the kind you
see only on people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking.
If this were a trial I think we could reach a verdict on the strong
circumstantial evidence alone.

I realize there are a lot of skeptics out there.  They'll delight in
pointing out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces and
suggest it isn't the repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the
problem.  That's okay.  Someday those skeptics will be flinging dung
at tourists.  Then who'll be laughing?  (Answer to rhetorical
question: everybody but the tourists.)

Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.  And Bill
Clinton said that knowledge is power.  Therefore, logically, according
to the U.S.  government, knowledge of computers is the ultimate
aphrodisiac.  You could argue with me -- I'm just a cartoonist -- but
it's hard to argue with the government.  Remember, they run the Bureau
of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two
about satisfying women.

You might think this was enough to convince anyone that men who use
computers are sexy.  But look at it from my point of view: I'm getting
paid by the word for this article.  I'm not done yet.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a
hot car.  But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their
own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.

Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust manhood.
Men know that unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman
is going to look at them twice.

It's getting worse.  Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web will
qualify for a government subsidy for the home-pageless.  And nobody
likes a man who takes money from the government, except maybe Marilyn
Monroe, which is why the CIA killed her.  And if you think that's
stupid, I've got 100 words to go.

Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting.  Nothing looks sexier
than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA monitor.
If we agree that this is every woman's dream scenario, then I think we
can also agree that it's best if the guy knows how to use the
computer.  Otherwise, he'll just look like a loser sitting in front of
a PC in his underwear.

In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less attractive.
It's just that I'm sure they won't read this article.
%
Sporting misquotes:

"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round
numbers"
(Murray Walker)

"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like
Brazil than English sides like Wales"
(Ron Greenwood)

The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation"
(RonPickering)

That's inches away from being millimetre perfect"  
(Ted Lowe)

"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right"
(Marlon Starling)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same
thing again"
(Terry Venables)

"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - absolutely
round."
(Tony Crozier)
%
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a
man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the
stand. "

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness. 
%
        The angry wife met her husband at the door.  His breath
stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick.
"I assume," she barked, "there is a very good reason for you to
come drifting in at six o'clock in the morning?"
        "There is!" he replied, "Breakfast."
%
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
of marble; then chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
%
Q. Why don't witches wear panties?
A. So they can get a better grip on the broom.
%
Moshe Kohn opens a Kosher restaurant in London and puts a notice in the
window "ARABS NOT WELCOME".

A couple of days later, a person of obviously Arab origin walks in and
requests a sandwich - so the cashier quickly runs into Moshe's office asking
what to do. Moshe decides that he really doesn't want a scandal, so he says
"OK, give him the sandwich, but charge him double - that should teach him."

No sooner said than done.

But the next day the same Arab is back again - this time for a full lunch.
Moshe decides "Charge him triple, he'll get the lesson this time!"

The Arab eats his lunch, pays without a quibble, praises the food and even
asks for a reservation for 10 of his friends for the same evening.

Moshe decides "OK, let him have the reservation, but if his friends do come,
charge them tenfold!"

The Arabs appear in the evening, have a large dinner, pay without
complaining and even tip generously. So the next day Moshe puts a new sign
in the window: "JEWS NOT WELCOME."
%
Q. What gets lighter as it bounces?
A. A Leper on a trampoline.
%
| How can I disable the modem whirring when a client dials in to OSR5? My
| computer is rack-mounted and will be placed in Telehouse so it should
| attract as little attebtion as possible to avoid being used as a coffee
| stand/pen holder.

Preferred:  Read the modem manual, find the codes to turn off the
  speaker and set them in the modem's NVRAM.


Alternate:  Rip all of the pages out of the manual and wrap them
  around the modem.

Unix Solution:
	cu -l /dev/ttyXX -s 38400 dir
	ATZ	(soft reset to NV settings)
	OK
	ATM0	(turn off the speaker)
	OK
	AT&W	(save settings to NV RAM)
	OK
	~.
If you're using the atdialer, edit the file:
	/usr/spool/uucp/default/your_modem
and change the modem init string to include "M0".

Hardware Solution:
Open the modem with a screwdriver or can opener.  Cut one wire going
to the loudspeaker.  Reassemble modem with remaining screws or duct tape
(whichever is more convenient).

Software Solution:
RTFM the printed manual and select several pages of technobabble to
sacrifice.  Rip out these pages and shove into the modem speaker.  Wrap
with duct tape.

Hacker Solution:
Find ice pick.  Stab speaker until dead.
Note: This may void your warranty.

MSDOS/Windoze Solution:
It's a feature, not a bug.  The noise is there for your own good.  We
know what's good for you.  This feature will be fixed in the next
release.

NT Solution:
Run reg32edt and add the undocumented key to:
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SystemCurrentControlSet\Services\Class\
  Modem\0001\AlmostThere\DontGiveUpNow\Init
as:
TurnOffTheStupidSpeaker=1

Kid's Solution:
Position modem with speaker facing upward.  Pour pancake syrup into
speaker.  This will greatly reduce the high frequency response of the
speaker thus attenuating the sound.

Programmers Solution:
Download the complete Rockwell command set from the modem manufacturer's
site and use the bit mapped register functions to disable the speaker.
Be sure that the warranty is still active as one mistake may also
disable the modem.

Policital solution:
Call the modem manufacturer and demand that they supply you with a modem
that defaults with the speaker turned off.  If they refuse, sue them for
noise pollution.

Fast Solution:
Take two needles, two clip leads and a 12volt battery.  Observe that the
leads of the speaker coil are visible through the grill where they are
glued to the cone.  Puncture these points with the needles and apply
12volts.  The speaker coil will fuse open.

Dealer Solution:
What you need is the new Fire-Belcher 2000 wiz bang modem with the built
in speaker phone and voice command recognition.  Just yell at the modem
and the speaker will turn off.

The ILEC Solution:
Noisy modems are a side effect of ancient POTS technology.  What you
need is ISDN which has no dialtone, touchtones, or obnoxious noises.
Just sign here.
%
A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part
of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines,
the captain asked for questions.

Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen
to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"

"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air
and scatter oneself over a wide area."
%
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh
hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards
her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked
man outside my window!!!" The receptionist immediately rushed up to
the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist. "He's over
there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building
opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man
with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man
who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do
you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?" "The
dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
%
A woman selling apples in New York is puzzled by a man who always
comes by, pays a quarter, but never picks up an apple.  This goes on
for some time until, one day, the woman runs after the man as he walks
away.

'I know why you are chasing after me... you want to know why I always
pay a quarter but never take an apple,' the man says.

The woman replies: 'No, I wanted to tell you that the price has just
gone up'.
%
The real-estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put
some moves on her.  But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased
at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.

Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her.  "Listen,
baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you
could start coming in late and slacking off?"

The secretary's reply, "My lawyer!"
%
People greatly underestimate the seriousness of the Y2K bug.  After
all, to fix the problem, a computer programmer needs to find a
date... and we all know the likelihood of that happening!
%
Isn't it bothersome that doctors call what they do "practice"? 
%
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
%
The boss calls four of his employees into the office: "I'm really
sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee:  "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee:  "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age
discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male
employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be
gay."
%
The five rules of Socialism:

1. Don't think
2. If you do think, don't speak
3. If you think and speak, don't write
4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign
5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised
%
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's.
He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup.  As
he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half,
then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had
half of them.  Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra
cup and set that in front of his wife.  The old man then began to eat,
and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase
another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and
everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she
replied, "Not yet, it's his turn with the teeth."
%
Answering machines:

      Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the
money. If you are my parents, please send money.  If you are my financial
aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends,
you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
~~~~~
      (From a Japanese man in Toronto:) He-ro! This is Sato. If you
leave message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I call sooner!
~~~~~
      Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one
of these magnets.
~~~~~
      Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just
eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you
want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to
the phone.
~~~~~
      Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages.
      My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their
carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not
need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and
number and they will get back to you.
~~~~~
      This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-
recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for
calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about
returning your call.
~~~~~
      Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
~~~~~
      You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel
very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your
ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel
helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
~~~~~
      Please leave a message.  However, you have the right to remain
silent.
      Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
%
Q:  How does every ethnic joke start?
A:  By looking over your shoulder.
%
Mother to Daughter: What kind of person is your new boyfriend?  Is he
respectable?

"Of course he is, Mom. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke.  In fact,
he has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children."
%
* warning: religious characters

A Catholic priest is driving to London to be on a radio show and
he's stopped by the police for speeding. A policeman smells
alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor,
and says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

The priest says, "Just water"

The policeman replies, "Then why do I smell wine?"

And the minister looks down at the bottle and answers, "Good Lord,
He's done it again!"
%
When I was young I used to pray for a bike. 
Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. 
So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
%
Did you hear about the bulimic dancer who specialized in dancing at 
bachelor parties?

The cake comes out of the girl!
%
The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us
better people, and don't come in clearly enough.
%
*warning: ethnic references

Three men are traveling the Amazon, a German, an American, and a
Polack, and they get captured by some Amazons.

The head of the tribe says to the German, what do you want on your
back for your whipping? The German responds, "I will take oil!"

So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10
times. When he is finished the German has these hugh welts on his
back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Polack, what do you
want on your back? "I will take nothing!" says the Polack, and the
Polack stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a
single flinch.

"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American, who
responds "I'll take the Polack!"
%
CONSULTANT (or expert): Any ordinary guy more that 50 miles from home or 
office.
%
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
%
This executive was interviewing a nervous blond for a position in his
company.

He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked: "If
you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would
it be?"

"The living one."
%
TOP 10 THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN:


1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.
%
   TALLINN, May 6 (AFP) - A customer was growing restless at a bank  
counter when it dawned that she had been queuing behind a life-size 
wax figure of a national hero featuring on the 50-kroon Estonian 
banknote. 
   "I was starting to wonder how much longer he would stand there,"  
pensioner Alvi Martens told the Sakala newspaper, after she realised 
that the motionless customer at a bank in Viljandi was in fact a 
waxwork model of Estonian composer Rudoblf Tobias, one of touring 
collection of six figures on display in branches of the Estoniaa 
Union Bank. 
%
Why are married women heavier than single women?
       Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
       Married Women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
%
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
%
Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly
old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad  command or
file name'."

Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:\ and type
'dir'."

Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.

Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."

Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place - it can't help
but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the
Enter key?"

Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or
file name'."

Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing
I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"

Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M'
key...does that matter?
%
At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything.  They
give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the
computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.

Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."

Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an
outage."

Customer: "What is that?"

Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."

Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."
%
KABINDA, ZAIRE-- In a move IBM officials are hailing as a major step in
the company's ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M'wana
Ndeti, a member of a Zairien tribe, used an IBM global uplink network
modem yesterday to crush a nut.

Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily
cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem. "I
could not crush the nut by myself," said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who
added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With
IBM's help, I was able to break it." Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking,
28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his
southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows
African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese
schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he
believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil.

Just after Ndeti shattered the nut, a 200-person Southern Baptist
gospel choir, on hand for the taping of the IBM commercial, broke out
into raucous,  joyous song in celebration of the tribesman's
accomplishment.

IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able
to provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems.
"Our  telecommunications systems offer people all over the world global
networking solutions that fit their specific needs," said Herbert Ross,
IBM's director of marketing. "Whether you're a nun cloistered in an
Italian abbey or an Aborigine in Australia's Great Sandy Desert, IBM
has the ideas to get you where you want to go today."

According to Ndeti, of the modem's many powerful features, most
impressive was its hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several
minutes of vigorous pounding against a large stone. "I put the nut on a
rock, and I hit it with the modem," Ndeti said. "The modem did not
break. It is a good modem."

Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new,
state-of-the-art IBM workstation, complete with a PowerPC 601
microprocessor, a quad-speed internal CD-ROM drive and three 16-bit
ethernet networking connectors.  The tribesman has already made good
use of the computer system, fashioning a gazelle trap out of its wires,
a boat anchor out of the monitor and a crude but effective weapon from
its mouse.

"This is a good computer," said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured
gazelle with the computer's flat, sharp internal processing device. "I
am using every part of it. I will cook this gazelle on the keyboard."
Hours later, Ndeti capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking
the computer's 200-page owner's manual.
%
        Amy said, "What color dress are you wearing to the sales 
award dinner?"

        Judy answered, "Were supposed to wear something to match the
color of our husband's hair.  What will you wear?"

        Amy replied, "Gracious me!  I don't think I'll go."
%
What did God say after creating Adam?
       I must be able to do better than that.
%
Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
%
An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car
pulls over next to him.

"If you get in the car," the driver says "I'll give you $10 and a
packet of sweets."

The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the
car pulls over again.  "How about $20 and two packets of sweets?"

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "Ok,"
he says. "This is my final offer.  I'll give you $50 and all the
sweets you can eat."

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in.

"Look," he shouts to the driver. "You bought the damned Skoda, Dad.
You'll have to live with it!"
%
The staff at a local United Way office realised that it had never
received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to
contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income
of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity.  Wouldn't you
like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "Firstly, did
your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness
and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."

"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran,
is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology
but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's
husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in
indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply,
"I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any
money to them, why should I give any to you?
%
        A husband proving to his wife that women talk more than
men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the
average only 1,100 words a day, where as women use 2,200 words  
a day.
        She though about this for awhile and then told her 
husband that women use twice as many words as men because they 
have to repeat everything they say.
        He said "What?"
%
     Doctor: "Ask the accident victim his name so we can notify his 
             family."
     Nurse:  "I did! He said his family already knows his name."
%
A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class.  The
subject of the day is involuntary muscles.  The instructor, hoping to
perk up the students a bit, asks her if she knows what her asshole
does when she has an orgasm.

"Sure." she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids."
%
"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the
other. "I'm filing for an divorce."

"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?"

"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.

"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't
see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."

"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five
years ago."
%
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying 
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.  "Just 
think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up 
and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's 
a doctor.'" 

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the 
teacher... she's dead."
%
A rather drunk man was walking along the street one day . He was
staggering quite a bit and made two nuns that were approaching him,
very nervous.  The two nuns split apart and one walked to the man's
left and one walked to the man's right.

After the nuns were past the man, he turned around and said," now how
in the hell did she do that"?
%
You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married and few
words in your sleep to get divorced.
%
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone,
and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into
the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our
computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and
started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She
called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed,
nothing would happen.

The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my
monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "Whaa??" the teacher blubbered. 

Then I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got really upset. "I 
didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep 
from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 
went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc.

Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my
chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both
turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
%
In a little Italian village a man and his wife of
50 years were rocking back and forth on their porch.

Suddenly, the wife stopped, grabbed her cane and she
wacked her husband across his shins as hard as she could.

He cried out in pain, his eyes watered, tears ran down
his face and he gasped, "Why did you do that?"

She replied, "That's for 50 years of bad sex."
He nodded his head but said nothing.

Slowly,  husband and wife began to rock again.

Then suddenly the man stopped, grabbed his own cane and
he wacked his wife across her shins as hard as he could.

When her eyes quit tearing and the pain subsided so that
she could finally speak, she asked, "What was that for?"

"That's for knowing the difference."
%
How do you distinguish a brown bear from a grizzly?

Climb a tree; if the bear climbs it and eats you, it is a brown bear,
if it knocks the tree down and eats you it is a grizzly.
%
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just
waking up.  Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at
the table.  He looks into his small bowl.  It is empty!  "Who's been
eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.  Daddy Bear arrives at the table and
sits in his big chair.  He looks into his big bowl.  It is also empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through
this? - I haven't made the porridge yet!!"
%
An F-22 Fighting Falcon - $25 million dollars.
 
An F-117 Nighthawk Stealth Fighter - $45 million dollars. 

A Boeing B-52 Stratofortress - $74 million dollars. 

A Brand new B-2 Stealth Bomber - $2.1 billion dollars. 

A decent map of downtown Belgrade... Priceless. 
%
Shooting the breeze down at the Veteran's hospital, a trio of old
timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started
bragging about their ancestors.  "My great grandfather, at age 13,"
one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."

"Mine," boasted another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of
Little Big Horn."

"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but
if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man
in the world."

"What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

"Nothing much.  But he would be a hundred 165 years old."
%
ARE YOU AN UNRECONSTRUCTED, RIGHT-ON, ROGUE MALE OR A DELIVERY BOY
OF THE NEW MALE ORDER? ARE YOU A MAN OR A LOUSE? FIND OUT BELOW.

 1. A woman whispers "Fuck me now, big boy..." In your ear. She is obviously:
 a) Short sighted.
 b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self esteem through meaningless
    sexual gratification.
 c) Begging for it.
 d) A recording.

 2. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
 a) Sex.
 b) Fucking.
 c) Enclosure.
 d) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town.

 3. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
    both shared:
 a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
 b) Your Blood-test results.
 c) A cab.
 d) Five tequila slammers.

 4. You time your orgasm so that:
 a) Your partner climaxes first.
 b) You both climax simultaneously.
 c) The director can set up for a close-up.
 d) You don't miss Sportsnight.

 5. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
 a) Strictly for cats.
 b) Healthy, creative love-play.
 c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
 d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.

 6. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
 a) The best part of the experience.
 b) The second best part of the experience.
 c) A loathsome chore.
 d) $100 extra.

 7. Your girlfriend says she's gained two kilos in weight in the last
    month. You tell her that it is:
 a) No concern of yours.
 b) No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend.
 c) No problem - she can join your gym.
 d) A conservative estimate.

 8. Today's sensitive, caring man is:
 a) An ideal to which you aspire.
 b) A myth.
 c) An oxymoron.
 d) A moron.

 9. Your girlfriend announces that she is pregnant. Do you:
 a) Take her in your arms and say: "Oh darling, this is the happiest
    day of my life..."
 b) Take her to bed and say: "I might as well get hung for a sheep as a
    lamb..."
 c) Take her to the abortion clinic.
 d) Take her phone number and tell her you'll get back to her.

10. A prostitute is:
 a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
 b) Someone who provides an essential service.
 c) A cheap date.
 d) A valued employee.

11. A wife is:
 a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
 b) Someone who provides an essential service.
 c) A cheap date.
 d) A valued employee.

12. Masturbation is:
 a) Sex with someone you love.
 b) A healthy exploration of your erogenous zones.
 c) A team sport.
 d) A cheap date.

13. How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm?
 a) When she drops her nail file.
 b) When she goes the colour of Man Utd's home strip (or a Chicago Bulls
    uniform) .
 c) When the Earth moves.
 d) Who cares?

14. It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you:
 a) Call her.
 b) Call your lawyer.
 c) Call your doctor.
 d) Call your wife.

15. Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal role-playing
    sexual fantasy:
 a) "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..."
 b) "I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
 c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...."
 d) "Another consonant please, Carol...."

16. You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes to $300. Do you expect:
 a) An overdraft.
 b) A blow job.
 c) Her to pay next time.
 d) A thank-you letter.

17. You call your penis:
 a) John Thomas.
 b) Terry-Thomas.
 c) Massive.
 d) On its birthday.

18. Foreplay is to sex as:
 a) Priming is to painting.
 b) Appetiser is to entree.
 c) Trailer is to feature.
 d) A queue is to an amusement park ride.

19. The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is:
 a) Free Lorena Bobbitt.
 b) Free Mike Tyson.
 c) Free Willy.
 d) Free condom with this survey.

20. During sex you:
 a) Haggle.
 b) Talk dirty.
 c) Talk of love.
 d) Talk on the phone.

21. Your local MP (Mayor) is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are:
 a) Outraged.
 b) Implicated.
 c) Jealous.
 d) A Labour voter anyway.

22. A woman who consents to having sex with you when she is drunk is:
 a) Easier.
 b) Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
 c) Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
 d) A tricky defence in court.

23. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
    at the end of a relationship?
 a) "I hope we can still be friends."
 b) "Welcome to Dumpsville.  Population: you."
 c) "I'm not in right now.  Please leave a message after the tone...."
 d) "Keep the change."

24. At what point do you put on the condom?:
 a) Before you go out.
 b) Before you pass out.
 c) As a party trick.
 d) Never.

25. You wake to find your partner clutching your penis in one hand and
    a carving knife in the other. Do you:
 a) Talk through her anger.
 b) Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it.
 c) Ask her to put down the offensive weapon.
 d) Ask her to put down the knife.

26. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
 a) Is uptight and a waste of time.
 b) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that
    sort  of intimacy.
 c) May need glasses.
 d) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
%
* warning: sexual material

A woman went to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem," she complained, "is that it wakes me up."
%
Paddy is walking along the beach one fine morning, when a glint in the
sand catches his eye. Walking over to the source of this glint, he
discovers a small gold lamp half buried in the sand. Marvelling at
this unusual find, he gives it a rub in the time honoured tradition,
and predictably, a genie pops out.

"Hello there paddy!" the genie booms, "today is your lucky day! To
show my gratitude for being let out of that lamp after 300 years of
confinement, I'm going to give you two wishes."

Paddy scratches his chin and thinks for a few minutes.

"Well, Mr. Genie, what I'd really like is a large bottle of the finest
Irish Whiskey. I'd like the bottle to be unbreakable, impossible to
lose and I want it to fill back up to the top every time I take a
nip."

KABOOM! 

A large bottle of Whiskey appears magically in front of Paddy's eyes.
Tentatively, he takes the top off and has a good gulp. No sooner has
he taken the bottle from his lips, it fills back up to the top again.

"That's amazing, Mr. Genie!", says Paddy with considerable
astonishment. The genie nods knowingly.

Paddy walks over to a rock, and throws the bottle full tilt at the
stone.  The bottle bounces off without the slightest chip or crack in
the glass.

"Lord save us, it's a miracle!" Paddy cannot believe his luck. As his
final test, he runs down the beach and heaves the bottle out into the
surf with all his strength. Before the bottle has even hit the water,
it slows, stops, and then gently flies back to a spot two feet in
front of Paddy.

"Mr. Genie, you have changed my life forever," says paddy. The genie
gives a bow, and says "and what would you like for your second wish?"

Without hesitation, Paddy says, "Give me another one of these bottles!"
%
Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
%
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.
"Please describe,"said his attorney, "the incident that first caused
you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified.  "So
naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."

"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some
pretty heavy love making when the old lady in the apartment next door
pounded on the wall and yelled,'Can't you at least stop all that
racket on the weekends?'"
%
* warning: tasteless

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem.
The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go
behind the screen and remove her clothes.

She was a bit shocked, but went ahead anyway. When she was undressed
he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full
length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked, but if I would
help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor
said.

As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs
and when she did, he put his head between them and rested his chin
right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive
'yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.

After she had, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main
cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much
liquid before going to bed.

"So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?"

"Well," he replied, "my wife is right, a beard would suit me"
%
Fernando the Bull was on one side of the fence and Elsie the cow on
the other.  She gave Fernando a wink and he leaped over the fence to
see her. "Are you Fernando the Bull?" she asked.  He replied, "Just
call me Fernando, the fence was higher than I thought!"
%
        Two American ministers, who were traveling in Germany, decided
to go to church.  Knowing no German, they figured they'd play it safe
by sitting behind a dignified-looking gentleman and doing whatever he
did.

        During the service the pastor made a special announcement, and
the man in front of them rose.  The two Americans quickly rose also,
only to be met by roars of laughter.

        When the service was over, they went to the pastor, who they
discovered spoke English, and he explained why the congregation
laughed.

	"Oh," said the pstor, "I was announcing a baptism and I asked
the father of the child to stand."
%
The trouble with finding your perfect soulmate is that she would
probably want to get married, then four weeks after the wedding you
would meet another perfect soulmate, with larger breasts.
%
* warning: religions involved

Easter is approaching. Father O'Maley checks estimates for the flower
decoration of the altar.

The catholic florist - $300.  "Too expensive" moans the priest.  The
protestant florist - $250, "No, it would not be right to buy at
another Christian believer, especially as the price difference is
rather small."  But lo!  Solly Goldberg - $75!!!

Religion or economics? After much consideration, Solly obtains the
contract.

On Easter Sunday morning, Goldberg's men deliver the flowers:
wonderful roses, azaleas, camellias, tulips and carnations. O'Maley's
last reservations are discarded.

When the parishioners arrive in the church, they see the magnificent
flower arrangement and a ribbon with the inscription:

"Jesus has risen!  But the prices of Goldberg always stay the same."
%
* warning: offensive material.

After the annual office Christmas party, Joe woke up with a pounding
headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of
the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs,
where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night.  Was it as bad
as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one.  "You made a
complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board
of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did.  All over his suit, "Louise informed him.  "And he fired you."

"Well, fuck him," said John.

"I did.  You're back at work on Monday."
%
BETA ERROR MESSAGES:

Microsoft is trying to add some humor to it's error messages in Windows
2000. Here are a couple of examples:

Printer not responding: Got a pen and paper handy?

Three things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss. Guess
which has just occured?

%
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when
she cut off a truck driver.  He motioned for her to pull over.  When
she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his
pocket.  He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde:

"Stand in the circle and DON'T MOVE!".  He then went to her car and
cut up her leather seats.  When he turned around she had a slight grin
on her face, so he said 

"Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this."  He gets a baseball bat out
of his truck and breaks every window in her car.  When he turns and
looks at her she has a smile on her face.  He is getting really mad.
He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.  Now she's
laughing.  The truck driver is really starting to lose it.  He goes
back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets
it on fire.  He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about
to fall down.  

"What's so funny ?" the truck driver asked the blonde.  

She replied,"When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle 4
times"
%
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new
son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the
family," said the man.  "To show you how much we care for you, I'm
making you a 50-50 partner in my business.  All you have to do is go
to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the
noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the
office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck
behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner
of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't
work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
%
Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in
back.  Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night
and had the best meal ever.  Good prices too."

Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too.  What was the name of the
restaurant?"

Herb says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little.  What's
the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?"
Sam says, "How about rose?"

"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead: "Rose.  Hey,
Rose.  What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"
%
	NEW YORK (AP) -- The head of online software vendor Beyond.com  
appeared stripped to the waist today on CNBC's morning talk show 
``Squawk Box.'' Chief executive Mark Breier said he was trying to 
shake up the staid world of financial news commentary. The bare-all 
appearance was in keeping with the company's ad campaign, which 
shows a guy so comfortable working from home that he walks around 
the house naked. 
%
The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior K-9 unit,
was somewhat taken back by a recent incident. Returning home from
work, a blonde haired women, had been shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police
dispatcher broadcasted the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit
patrolling nearby was the first on the scene. As the K-9 officer
approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the
porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned.

"I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the
police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman."
%
The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will
walk carefully.
		-- Russian Proverb
%
The professor asks:
- How is called a man that wants to have sex but can't?
- Impotent!  answer the students.
- True!  And how is called a man that can but does not want to make sex?
A long silence ... After a while, from the rear seats a girl stands up
and says:
- Bastard!
%
Sex on the beach is like American beer -- fucking near water.
%
The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to
know how many vehicles were operational.  Paddy answered, "We've got
twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the
fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."

There was a stoney silence for a second or two.

"Do you know who you are speaking to?"

"No," said Paddy.

"It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred
to."

"Well, do you know who you are talking to?"

"No," roared the colonel.

"Well thank Christ for that," said Paddy slamming the phone down.
%
The Internet used to be a lot of smart people sitting at dumb terminals,
but now its a lot of dumb people sitting at smart terminals!
%
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car,
goes to pick up his date.  When he goes to the front door, the girl's
father answers and invites him in.  "Carrie's not ready yet, so why
don't you have a seat?"  he says.

"That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're
planning to do.  Bobby replies politely that they will probably just
go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?  I hear
all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks
Carrie's dad to repeat it.

"Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw.
She'd screw all night if we'd let her!"

Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening
is beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle
skirt and announces that she's ready to go.  Almost breathless with
anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the
door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY!  IT'S
CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
%
A Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says, "Hey,
you're a duck"

"Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.

"Yeah, but I mean - you can TALK," says the barman.

"Guess your ears are fine too," answers the duck.  "Now, can have a
beer please."

The barman serves the duck a pint and asks him, "So, what brings a
duck like you to these parts?"  

"Oh," says the duck, "I work on the building site across the road.
We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll most likely be in every
lunch hour for a pint."  The duck slurped down his beer, wiggling his
tail happily.

Just as he said, the duck waddles over from his job at the building
site and has his lunch time lager.

The next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round.  The
Circus owner wanders in for a pint and the barman tells him about the
talking duck.

"You should get this duck to join your circus," he says.  "For a
little consideration, I could hook you up with this duck and you
could make lots of bucks.  Everyone would love to see a talking duck
I think.  Don't you?"  The circus man nods his agreement excitedly
while sipping his beer and the barman agrees to talk to the duck
about the circus.

The following day, the duck comes in at lunch time as he had been for
those many days.  The barman says to the duck (with dollar signs in
his eyes), "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was
chatting to the owner about you.  He's very interested in you."

"Really?" says the duck.

"Yeah.  You could make a lot of money there.  I can fix it up for
you easily."

"Hang on," said the duck.  "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?"

"That's right."

"That's one of those big tent things, isn't it?  With a big pole in
the middle?"

"Yeah!"

"That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck.

"Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there starting
tomorrow.  The circus owner's dead keen on the idea."

The duck looked very puzzled. "But why would he want to hire a
plasterer?"
%
Life Insurance Agent: Don't let me frighten you into a decision.
Sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know
what you think.
%
Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.  Won't
you forgive and forget?  Your absence is breaking my heart.  I was a
fool -- nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Belinda.

P.S.  Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
%
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?"
She says, "What's that?"

He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear."
%
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle.  For the
first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things- chickens, cows,
crops, etc.  After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew
was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse
him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea.  "Why don't you grab a gun, take the
dogs, and go shooting?"  This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with
enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew.  "Got any more dogs?"
%
The old Jewish man stopped before a blind man sitting on the sidewalk
begging for handouts.  The man said, "I don't have much money on me
but I'll be happy to share my matzos with you."

The beggar took a piece of matzo in his hands, ran one
hand over the surface & exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"
%
There was this blind man and his dog walking into a shop.  As they
headed down the first isle, the man grabbed his dog by the tail, and
starting swinging him around furiously.  Shocked at this whole
episode, the manager approached him, and said to the blind man: "Sir
please this is a family store, could you please tell me what the hell
you are doing", the blind man replied: "Oh just looking around"
%
For the second time in a row, Sharon was forced to impose on the woman
with whom she carpooled to both their children's soccer practices.

Sharon phoned and explained that her husband had the car again, so she
wouldn't be able to take her turn.  A few minutes before the woman was
due to pick up Sharon's son, Sharon's husband showed up.  Since it was
too late for Sharon to call and say she could drive after all, she
asked her husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside.
She also explained to her son that he shouldn't mention anything about
his father's whereabouts.  Unfortunately, Sharon's husband forgot and
was in front of our house chatting with a friend when the Sharon's
carpool partner arrived.

When Sharon's son returned from practice, Sharon asked him if she had
noticed.  "Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in
front of the house was my father.  But don't worry.  I told her I
didn't know."
%
A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class.
Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you
write this poem all by yourself?"

The student said, "Every word of it."

"Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Poe.  I thought you were long
dead!"
%
The last "C++" bug has been identified by a world-wide consortium of
computer scientists:

        if (nuclear_war = true)
                launch_missiles();
%
        A mother, visiting a department store, took her son to the 
toy department.  Spying a gigantic rocking horse the boy climbed
up on it and rocked back and forth for almost an hour.
        "Come on, Son," the mother pleaded.  "I have to get home 
to get father's dinner."
        The little lad refused to budge, and all her efforts were
unavailing.  The department manager also tried to coax the little 
fellow without meeting with any success.   Eventually, in desperation 
they called the store's psychiatrist.  Gently he walked over and 
whispered a few words in the boy's ear, and immediately the lad 
jumped off and ran to his mother's side.
        "How did you do it?" the mother asked incredibly.  "What 
did you say to him?"
        The psychiatrist hesitated for a moment, then said, "All I 
said was, `If you don't jump off that rocking horse at once, son, 
I'll knock the stuffing out of you!'"
%
        Delighted by the gift she had received, the lady spoke 
warmly to the boy,  "At church tomorrow, I'll thank your mother 
for this lovely pie."
        "If you don't mind, ma'am," the boy suggested nervously, 
"would you thank her for two pies?"
%
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
%
A 14-page brochure advising young people about educational programs
and facilities in Houston, Texas, had to be thrown out after officials
discovered it was riddled with spelling and grammatical errors.  Among
the words misspelled were "library," "teaches" and "national."  Donald
Hollingsworth, an aide to Mayor Lee Brown, said the mayor's
$67,000-a-year director for youth services, who wrote the booklet,
aced disciplinary action.
%
A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a blank
form and wrote, "Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof...woof."
The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, "There are only nine words
here," he said.  "You could send another 'woof' for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "that would be silly."
%
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
%
Two little boys were at school and heard the word penis while they
were playing on the school yard.

One asked the other if he knew what a penis was.  The kid said he
didn't know but would ask his dad when he got home.

That evening, the little boy asked his dad, "Dad, what's a penis?"

His dad said," Son, I'll not only tell you, I'll show you".  So they
go into the bathroom and his dad lowers his pants and proudly says,"
Son, that's a penis".  "Not only is it a penis, but it's a perfect
penis".

The next day at school the little boy finds his friend and they go to
the bathroom together.  The boy lowers his pants and says, "See that?
That's a penis.  Not only is it a penis, but if it were two inches
shorter, it would be a perfect penis".
%
A blond from Arkansas is going on his first overseas trip.  He drives
all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport.  In the passport
office, the government official sees that he is visibly puzzled
filling his passport application.

The passport official looks over his shoulder, and sees the blond
trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.

The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this
question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."

"Doesn't matter," the blond answers.
%
Moishe is being indoctrinated by the Russian Government:

Govt. official: "If you had a yacht, what would you do with it?"

Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia."

Govt. Official: "And if you had a palace, what would you do with it?"

Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia."

Govt. Official: "And if you had a sweater, what would you do with it?"

No reply.

Government official asks the question again. And still not reply. Finally
he shouts: "Moishe, why don't you reply?"

Moishe: "Because I have a sweater.
%
Bumper stickers seen around the world!

1. Constipated people don't give a crap.
2. Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.
3. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
4. Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
5. Thank you for pot smoking.
6. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek
counseling.
7. Impotence: nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
8. Horn broken...watch for finger.
9. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
10. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put your booger.
%
"Hello Bill!  How did your job interview with Lady Withiel go?  Did
you become her butler?"

"Hello Georg! Well, at first, it went quite well.  She told me she
often had parties, and her servants have to wear short trousers when
serving the guests.  So she told me to lift my trouser-legs, as she
wanted to see if my calves were nice to look at."

"Did she like what she saw?"

"Oh yes, she was quite content.  Then she told me, her servants have
to wear short sleeves during the parties, so she told me she wanted to
see my forearms, and I showed her."

"And she liked them, too?"

"Indeed. She was very content.  Finally, she wanted to see my
testimonies.  And I think I made a mistake then..."
%
	News: July 14, 1999
	(NEW YORK) -- A photographer wants to pose 100 nude people in New York  
City on Sunday, and he says his freedom of speech is being threatened if 
he's denied the opportunity. Spencer Tunick has made his reputation in 
the art world for photographing nudes in public places. His attorney, 
Ron Kuby, says there are things in the Big Apple that discourage 
tourists, but public nudity is not one of them. He says no one goes back 
to Iowa complaining of all the naked people in New York. 
%
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you
gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day.  What do you think it
means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said. 

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to
his wife.  Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The
Meaning of Dreams."
%
Actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers:

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.
%
Q: What's the difference between one rouble and one dollar?
A: One dollar.
%
There was a man who computed his taxes for 1998 and found that he owed
$3,407.  He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS: Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment.  Please take note
of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper.  In the article,
you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA
has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers
(value $1,029).

This brings my total payment to $3,429.00.  Please note the
overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential Election
Fund,' as noted on my return. Might I suggest you to send the above
mentioned fund a '1.5 inch screw?'  (See attached article -- HUD paid
$22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look
forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
Tax Payer
%
Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls.  Less than a year
later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said,
"Tell the court why you want a divorce."

"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in
law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so
identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her
by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the
judge said.

"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor!  That's why I
want the divorce." he replied.
%
During a family dinner Kathy, a dentist, was lecturing about flossing
habits.  Jim said, "Well, flossing is a pain in the rear."

"Then you're definitely not doing it right," Kathy replied.
%
* warning: brutal

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who
had been sleeping in the bedroom.  As soon as he had a chance, the
husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a
skimpy nightgown, and whispered, 

"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years.  Just cooperate with
anything he wants.  If he wants to have sex with you, just go along
with it and pretend you like it.  Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you
feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really
nice, tight-looking ass!..."
%
Ram disk is NOT an installation procedure.
%
Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was
resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.  I carefully
removed his glasses.  "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your
glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look
pretty good too!"
%
*warning: modest baseball knowledge necessary

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the
backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat.  "I'm the
greatest hitter in the world," he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said
again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"  He tossed the ball into
the air.

When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully.
He spit on his hands and rubbed them together.

He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter
in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it.
He missed. "Strike Three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest PITCHER in the world!"
%
Here's a whole section devoted to District of Columbia mayor Marion Barry: 

"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity
during this long period of increment weather."

"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk." 

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low
crime rate."

"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club.  And second,
what can I say?  I'm a night owl."

"Bitch set me up." 

"I am clearly more popular than Reagan.  I am in my third term.
Where's Reagan?  Gone after two!  Defeated by George Bush and Michael
Dukakis no less."

"The laws in this city are clearly racist.  All laws are racist.  The
law of gravity is racist."

"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an
international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel.  As mayor, I
am an international symbol.  Can you deny that to Africa?"

"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than
the president's.  But you must ask yourself: are there more people who
want to kill me than who want to kill the president?  I can assure you
there are."

"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were
black, were the ultimate sacrifice."

"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves.  The
Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's.
Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."

"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because
they deem it necessary?"

"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if
the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix
them then?  WOULD IT!?!"

"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an
intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."
%
Wife to husband:  I scratched the front fender a little dear.
 	          If you want to look at it, it's in the trunk.
%
Mother: "Soooo... you want to become my son-in-law."

Suitor: "No, not really -- but I don't see any other way to marry your
daughter."
%
A Rolls Royce is parked up with the chauffeur tinkering under the
bonnet.  The woman passenger winds down the window and asks:

"Do you want a screwdriver?" 

"No thank you ma'am I'd better fix this radiator or you'll miss your
flight" replied the driver.
%
* warning: long, but funny

Story from:
http://www.zdnet.com/zdnn/stories/news/0,4586,2309474,00.html?chkpt=hpqs014

In an attempt to burnish its tarnished reputation for network
security, Microsoft issued an open challenge on Tuesday to the hacking
community. But potential testers barely got a chance to attempt to
break Windows 2000's security system, as the test server Microsoft
offered crashed, then remained down for most of the past 24 hours.

Microsoft (Nasdaq:MSFT) placed a Web server running the latest beta of
Windows 2000 and Internet Information Server (IIS) outside its
firewalls, and invited the public to go after target files and user
accounts it placed there.

The company's reason for doing so? "We hope that this kind of open
testing will allow us to ship our most secure OS yet," said a
Microsoft spokesperson.

Lukewarm response

The hacking community was and is largely unimpressed, however. In its
posted coverage, the Hacker News Network called the challenge "an
obvious ploy to get free publicity. It is hoped that this is not a
primary testing method."

Members of the Linux-enthusiast site Slashdot for the most part
concurred, accusing Microsoft of using anti-Microsoft sentiment for
free auditing.

Meanwhile, the Linux community created a counter-challenge of its
own. Tuesday afternoon, LinuxPPC, the developers and distributors of a
PowerPC-native version of Linux, challenged hackers to crack one of
its servers.

Unlike Microsoft, which did not offer any kind of incentive or award
to hackers, LinuxPPC is giving the machine to the first person to
break in.

Whoops!

If the Microsoft security challenge was meant as a publicity stunt, it
may have backfired. As soon as the site went online, Microsoft ran
into technical difficulties with the test server. Early visitors
reported problems with the home page's HTML and JavaScript -- some
serious enough to prevent them from accessing the page at all.

Posted status logs indicate that the server had to be rebooted at
least once because the system log was full, and some services were
unavailable at reboot.

Most significantly, the server was offline for most of Tuesday due to
what Microsoft described as "router problems". Though intermittently
available Wednesday morning, the site was down at press time, and
appears to have been pulled from DNS servers entirely. Ping tests
indicated the MS router was functional.

Some Slashdot contributors reported seeing a notice that the site had
been withdrawn, but no such notice is currently posted on any publicly
accessible Microsoft server.

A Microsoft spokesperson attributed some of the difficulties to
thunderstorms in Seattle on Tuesday but had no comment on the site's
status by press time.
%
I've just unzipped something huge, and I don't know what to do with it!"

-- Uttered by a co-worker after she had downloaded a compressed file.
%
AP News, August 5th 1999

	SOUTH HADLEY, Mass. (AP) -- Students at one of the nation's  
oldest women's colleges can learn to take it off, all off. Susan 
Scotto, who stripped in clubs while earning her doctorate, said her 
noncredit how-to class in striptease at Mount Holyoke College was 
so popular last year that she will offer it again. Ms. Scotto shows 
students clips from movies featuring strippers, teaches them some 
basic bump-and-grind moves and supplies them with props, including 
feather boas, fans and high heels. 
%
A man and his wife are in bed asleep.  Around 3am they are awakened by
the sound of someone knocking on their front door downstairs.  The guy
gets up, goes to the window and opens it, only to look out to pitch
blackness.  "Who's out there," he yells.
 
A voice from below calls out, "I need a push".  Afraid, the guy says,
"Get lost before I call the cops! It's 3 o'clock in the morning!" and
slams the window.

His wife rolls over and says, "Listen, remember when our kids got
stuck in their car late one night, and that couple helped them to get
it started again?  Wouldn't you want to do the same for someone else,
regardless of the time?"

The guy thinks about this for a while and heads downstairs to lend the
man a hand. He opens the front door, again to pitch blackness, and
yells out, "Hey! Do you still need a push? Where are you?"

"Yes, I do," says the voice from the darkness.  "I'm over here on the
swing."
%
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance
company.  Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured
for fifty thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan.  Insurance
doesn't work quite like that.  We will ascertain the value of what was
insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." 

There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel
the policy on my husband."
%
*warning: ethnic references

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells
the class of officers that the session will focus on potential
problemsand the resulting strategies.

One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question,

"Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"

"Yes, comrades, look's like you will," answers the general.

"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.

"The likelihood is that it will be China."

The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade
General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion.
How can we possibly win?"

"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not
the quantity, but the quality that is key.  For example, in the Middle
East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have
been the winners every time."

"But sir, " asks the panicky officers, "Do we have enough Jews?
%
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face
to frown BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack
the asshole in the head.
%
When the bureau for At-Risk Youth of Plainview, New York, ordered
pencils carrying the slogan "Too Cool to Do Drugs," Kodi Mosier, 10,
of Ticonderoga Elementary School pointed out that when the pencils are
sharpened, the message becomes "Cool to Do Drugs" and eventually "Do
Drugs."  The pencils were recalled and a new batch issued with the
slogan printed in the opposite direction.
%
        Business was quite dull in town, so the carpet sweeper 
salesman decided to try a rural district.
        When he started his sales pitch, the hillbilly interrupted
with, "Don't waste your breath... I got a carpet sweeper."
        The salesman said, "Good.  I can make you a generous 
allowance on your old sweeper in part payment on this magnificent 
new model."
        The hillbilly seemed tempted, but shook his head.  "No," 
he said, "I can't make that kind of deal.  After all, I took her 
for better or wuss."
%
Richard M. Stallman, Linus Torvalds, and Donald E. Knuth engage in a
discussion on whose impact on the computerized world was the greatest.

Stallman: "God told me I have programmed the best editor in
          the world!"

Torvalds: "Well, God told *me* that I have programmed the
          best operating system in the world!"

Knuth: "Wait, wait - I never said that."
%
A newly married man asks his wife, "Would you have married
me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Darling," the woman replies sweetly, "I'd have married you
no matter who left a you a fortune."
%
* warning: sexual material

This man had been having a few beers down at the neighbourhood bar.
It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called
so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself.  To his and their
surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped
on them. The guy got up and took off running.

The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as she
continued to lie there while he relieved himself.  He could feel his
interest grow as he finished.  Without a word he got down on his knees
between her legs and took advantage of the situation.  She embraced
him and showed her willingness.

Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by
and shined his flashlight on them saying, "What the hell do you think
your doing, this is a public park."

The man said, "But officer this is my wife."

The officer said, "Oh, I didn't know she was your wife."

The man said, "Neither did I 'till you shined your light on her."
%
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art
exhibition in a newly opened gallery.  Suddenly one contemporary
painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is
that?"

He smiled condescendingly.  "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a
mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
%
Housewife: "How did you know I was home?  My son told you I was out"

Salesman: "It was easy Lady: he was mowing the lawn."
%
Father: "$10?  When I was a boy, I asked for quarters."

Son: "OK Dad, may I have 40 quarters?"
%
The Washington Bullets changed their name because its owners did not
want the NBA team associated with the image of crime.  From now on, the
team will simply be known as the Bullets.
%
Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
	Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
handle.
%
Support your local police force -- steal!!
%
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the
attraction he felt for his model finally became
irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his
arms and kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe you other models let you kiss
them," she said.

"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.

"Really," she said, softening. "How many models have there
been?"

"Four," he replied. "A jug, two apples and a vase."
%
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he
grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
%
A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and
a squirrel in the other.

"Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever yo do to that poor,
defenceless creature i shall personally do to you"

"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go."
%
A research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one of the husbands
whose completed form was spread out before him.

"Mr Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between the answers
of you and your wife to the same question.  For example, under
'Frequency of Intercourse' you wrote 'Three times a week' and your
wife 'Three times a night'."

"Well, that's right," replied the husband, "but that's only until we
have paid off the mortgage on the house."
%
Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country
road.

"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull
the old 'out of gas' routine."

"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"The 'here after' routine-----what's that?", she wanted to know.

"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after
I'm gone."
%
This wall paper is killing me.  One of us will have to go.  
-- Oscar Wilde, on his death bed 
%
25th July 1999. MICROSOFT TO SELL AD SPACE IN ERROR MESSAGES Microsoft
(Nasdaq: MSFT) announced that it is selling advertising space in the
error messages that appear in Windows.  Acknowledging for the first
time that the average user of their operating system encounters error
messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take
financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad
impression.  "We estimate that throughout the world at any given
moment several million people are getting a 'General Protection Fault'
or 'Illegal Operation' warning.  We will be able to generate
significant revenue by including a short advertising message along
with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror.  He also
mentioned that Microsoft is intended to add banner ads into its Blue
Screen of Death in the near future.  The Justice Department
immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether
Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with
this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error
messages.
%
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to this good looking girl 
and starts looking at his watch. 
 
The girl notices this and asks him if his date is late. 
 
"No," I am here by myself, he replies, "I've just got this new 
state-of-the-art watch and I was just about to test it." 
 
"What does it do?" 
 
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me." 
 
"What's it telling you now?" 
 
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." 
 
"Ha! Well it must be broken then because I am!" 
 
"Damn thing must be an hour fast."
%
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by
Arthur's youthful happiness.  So he offered him freedom, as long as he
could answer a very difficult question.  Arthur would have a year to
figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he
would be killed.

The question was:  What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgable man, and, to
young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better
than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by
year's end.  He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: 
the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court
jester.  In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a
satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the
old witch, as only she would know the answer.  The price would be high,
since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant
prices she charged The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no
alternative but t0 talk to the witch.  She agreed to answer his
question, but he'd have to accept her price first:

The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of
the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! 

Young Arthur was horrified:  she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous,
had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene
noises...  He had never run across such a repugnant creature.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
 
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.  He told him
that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and
the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question:
 
What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.
 
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and
that Arthur's life would be spared.  And so it went.  The neighboring
monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.
 
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had!  Arthur was torn between relief
and anguish.  Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous.  The
old witch put her worst manners on display.  She ate with her hands,
belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached:  Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific
night, entered the bedroom.  What a sight awaited!  The most beautiful
woman he'd ever seen lay before him!  Gawain was astounded and asked
what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd
been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self,
and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.

Which would he want her to be during the day and which during thenight?
 
What a cruel question?  Gawain began to think of his predicament:

During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at
night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch?
 
Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a
beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?
 
What would you do?
 
What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your
own choice.

--------------------

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.  Upon
hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,
because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own
life.
 
What is the moral of this story?
 
THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY,
UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH. 
%
*warning: statesmen involved

It was a stinking hot day, so three young blokes decided to take the
day off school and go surfing.  They grabbed their boards and were
wading out to the big waves when they came across this short, balding
man struggling to keep his head above water.  The boys grabbed the
man's hand just before he went under and safely carried him back to
the beach.  When they got him out of the water they realised it was
the UK Prime Minister, Tony Blair, they had saved.

Tony Blair said: "Thank you boys so much for saving my life.  To show
my appreciation I'd like to do something special for all of you, what
are your career aspirations?"

The first boy replied: "I really want to become a doctor, do you think
you could get me into a top class medical school?"

"No problems" replied the prime minister, "I'll organise a scholarship
for you as soon as I can".

The second boy said: "I've been training for years to become a
cyclist, I really want to represent Australia at the Sydney Olympics,
do you think you could get me a spot at the Australian Institute of
Sport?"

"Of course" said the prime minister "You'll be training at the AIS by
the end of the week."

"And what can I do for you?" Tony Blair said to the third boy.

"Well Tony, I would really appreciate it if you could arrange a State
Funeral for me."

A shocked look came over the PM's face: "A State funereal?  Son you're
only 17 years old, you have your whole life ahead of you, you're fit
and healthy, why would you be thinking about your funeral now?"

"I may be fit and healthy now" said the boy, "but wait 'til I get home
and tell my old man who's life I saved!".
%
Sign seen in a bar:

"Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."
%
A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting.  He gets a bit carried
away and talks for two hours.  Finally, he realizes what he is doing
and says:

"I'm sorry I talked so long.  I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind
you."
%
* warning: world politics

On Friday, China vowed that it would not use nuclear technology
against Taiwan.  Apparently, they're not done downloading secrets from
the U.S.
%
Son: "Dad, did you go to Church when you were a little boy ?"

Dad: "Yes son, every single Sunday."

Son: "Thought so.  Bet it won't do me any good either."
%
News, sept 11, 1999:

	Diners Squirm As Snakes Slither By  
	HONG KONG (AP) -- Diners screamed in terror and leapt on
tables as snakes suddenly slithered across the floor during lunch in a
Chinese restaurant, Hong Kong newspapers reported today.  About 100
customers were in the restaurant yesterday when several men, believed
to be debt-collectors, released the snakes and some grasshoppers from
two bags, the papers said.  Police had to call a snake handler, who
rounded up 28 nonpoisonous snakes.
%
Two Irishmen were talking in a Dublin pub.  "I wouldn't go to America
if you paid me", said the first.

"Why?" said the second.

"Well for one thing they drive on the right hand side of the road."

"And what's wrong with that?" said the second man.

"Well I tried it driving to Dublin the other day and it was terrible."
%
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in
his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.  "The good news is
that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would
appreciate in value after your death.  When I told him it would, he
bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."
%
Rick, fresh out of engineering school, went to a interview for a good
paying job. The company boss asked him various questions about him and
his education, but then asked him,

"What is three times seven?"
"22," Rick replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he
should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get
the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the
job! Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but he was very
curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even
though he got such a simple question wrong.

The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."
%
A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was
likely to stretch over several months.  He approached the owner of the
property and held up the check he'd been given.  "This is two hundred
dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the owner said.  "But last week I overpaid you two hundred
dollars, and you never complained."

The contractor said.  "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But
when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your
attention."
%
Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking. The
Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil,
then we make wonderful love She screamed for five minutes."

The Frenchman says, "I smooth sweet butter on my wife's body, then we
made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."

The Jew says, "I covered my wife's body with schmaltz. We made love
and she screamed for six hours."

The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six
hours?"  He shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the drapes."
%
Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, 
reading the paper after breakfast.  He came across an article about 
a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who's 
lack of IQ was common knowledge. 

He turned to his wife, Esther with a look of question on his face. 
"Oy! I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most 
attractive wives." 
 
His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!" 
%
There was this hooker who mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier
and propositioned him.

The Salvation Army gent said, 'Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a
pitiable victim of circumstances.  Tell me, are you familiar with the
concept of 'original sin'?"

Judi replied, "Well, maybe and maybe not.  But if it's *really*
original, it'll cost you an extra $20."
%
My favourite Haiku:

"Writing a poem
With seventeen syllables
Is
Very diffi"
%
In the beginning, there was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form,
And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.  And they spoke among
themselves saying, "It's a crock of shit, and it stinks."

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of
dung, and we can't live with the smell."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a
container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may
abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors saying, "It is a vessel of
fertilizer, and none may abide it's strength."

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It
contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents saying unto them, "It
promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went to the President saying unto him, "This
new plan will actively promote growth, and vigor of the company with
very powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Plan, and said that it was good,

And the Plan became Policy.
And this is how shit happens.
%
A tourist approached a prostitute in the back streets of Soho in
London. "How much?" he asked.

"It'll cost ya thirty quid" replied the tart.

"American Express?" he inquired.

"You can go as fast as you like" she said.
%
The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
and color, but also on ability.
		-- T. Lehrer
%
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
%
"Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess
what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."

"Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady, "If y'all can hold it in
one hand, I ain't interested."
%
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
%
The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
add ten percent.
%
Doctor: "I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news, Miss
Hottwot."

Miss Hottwot: "Well, give me the good news first, Doc."

Doctor: "Your lab tests came back today, and your crabs are all gone."

Miss Hottwot: Gee, that's great!  But what's the bad news?"

Doctor: "We don't know what killed them."
%
LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in a crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is cheques.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a &*%$
MARRIAGE -When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never  see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.
%
Sherry called the police department and reported that she had been
raped.  The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this
happen?"

She replied, "Last week."  

The police then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it?" 

"Well," she said.  "I didn't know that I was raped until the check 
bounced."
%
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
	You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
%
The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
important thing to people.
		-- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
%
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician
took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.

"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."

"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed MP replied.

"You can't make a living on that."

"Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on the
side!"
%
A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in
the back seat.  The women just won't leave him alone.

His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!"

His wife says, "Stay more to the left."

After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who's
driving this car --- you or your mother?"
%
The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which
when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
%
Two longtime golfing buddies got to the course one day and
decided that today they would play the ball where it lies...  "No
matter what!"

On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his ball and it ended up on the
cart path.  As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his
friend said, "Wait a minute!  We agreed that we would not improve
our lies! Remember? No matter what!"

The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief
-- that it was in the rules of golf.  But the second fellow would not
allowit. Finally, in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a
club.

As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time
scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of
sparks.

Finally, he took his shot.  The club hit the cement again, sparks went
flying, but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and
rolledto a stop -- two inches from the cup.

"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"

"Your 7-iron!"
%
The opossum is a very sophisticated animal.  It doesn't even get up
until 5 or 6 p.m.
%
Church signs:

Remember in prayer those who are sick of our church and community.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service.
The pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible experience".

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Memorial Church in Racine.  Come tonight and hear Bertha
Belch all the way from Africa

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING
Conference.  "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer
conference includes meals".
%
Luke, a farmer, who was originally from the city, was out plowing his
field one day when his tractor got stuck in the wet ground.  An
old-timer driving by stopped his truck and walked over to the fence.

"You need a mule to plow such wet ground," he said.

"Do you know where I can buy one?"  asked Luke.  Well," said the old
man, "I just happen to have one for a hundred dollars."  "Ill take
him," said Luke, counting out the money.

"I can't bring him over to-day," said the old-timer, pocketing the money.

"But I'll have him over to you tomorrow for sure."  The next day, the
truck pulled up and the old farmer got out. "Sorry," he said, "but I
got some bad news.  I went out after breakfast this morning and I
found the mule dead."

"Well," said the city feller, "then just give me my money back."
"Can't do that," said the old-timer apologetically. "I went and spent
it already."

"OK," said Luke. "Then just unload the mule."  "What ya gonna do with
him?  asked the old man.  "I think I'll raffle him off," replied Luke.

"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"  chuckled the farmer.  "Oh, yeah?"
said Luke.  Watch me.  I just won't tell anybody he's dead."  A month
went by, and the city fella and the farmer ran into each other at the
barber shop.  "What ever happened with that dead mule?" the old man
asked.

"I raffled him off," said Luke.  "I sold a hundred tickets at two
dollars apiece and made a ninety-eight dollar profit.  "Didn't anyone
complain?" asked the old-timer.  "Just the guy who won," said Luke,
"so I gave him his two dollars back."
%
Church signs:

The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the water".  The sermon
tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.  It's a chance to get rid
of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Don't forget
your husbands".

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.  They need all
the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions.  She is also having trouble sleeping and requests
tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
%
This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
"deregulated" the airline industry.  What this means for you, the
consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
rules whatsoever.  They can show snuff movies.  They can charge for
oxygen.  They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
Person School.  They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
over water.  They can ram competing planes in mid-air.  These
innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
amazingly low fares, such as $29.  Of course, certain restrictions do
apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
		-- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
%
"This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
something child-like."
		-- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454
%
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing
the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that
yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped
the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and
panties."
%
In the U.S. buses have a sign saying "Don't speak to the driver."

In Germany, the sign reads: "It is strictly forbidden for passengers 
to speak to the driver." 

In England: "You are graciously requested to refrain from speaking 
to the driver." 

In Scotland: "What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?" 

In Italy: "Don't answer the driver."
%
"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."

(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
		-- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
%
Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
	Never use your thumb for a rule.  You'll either hit it with a
hammmer or get a splinter in it.
%
Van Roy's Law:
	An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
%
We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
socialism, because socialism is defunct.  It dies all by itself.  The
bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say
socialism?
		-- Fidel Castro
%
A hippie is walking down the sidewalk wearing a shoe on one foot, and
his other foot is bare.

A friend say, "Hey, man, did you lose your shoe?"

The hippie smiles and replies, "No, man, I found one!"
%
We have the flu.  I don't know if this particular strain has an
official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
Flu".  You may have had it yourself.  The main symptom is that you wish
you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
said "ELECTROCUTION".

Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength.  Midway through the brushing
process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
floor, which is how the police would find you.

You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
		-- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
%
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
year.  I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
%
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
The Words are the same. Only the punctuation changes...

Dear Thomas,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are
generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you
admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me
for other men. I yearn for you. I have no  feelings
whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will
you let me be yours?

Maria


Dear Thomas,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are
generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you.
Admit to being useless and  inferior. You have ruined me.
For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no  feelings
whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy.
Will you let me be?
Yours,

Maria
%
Which is worse: ignorance or apathy?  Who knows?  Who cares?
%
1.  Avoid alliteration.  Always.
2.  Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3.  Avoid cliches like the plague.  (They're old hat.)
4.  Employ the vernacular.
5.  Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6.  Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7.  It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8.  Contractions aren't necessary.
9.  Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations.  As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
    quotations.  Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's
    highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences?  Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
%
There were two farmers that lived a good ways apart and normally only
saw each other every few months when they were in town at the same time.
One day they saw each other and stopped to shoot the breeze.

One farmer told the other he'd leased out some of his land to some
Aggie's for deer season.

The other farmer said "You fool, don't you know those Aggies will kill
all you livestock thinking they're deer."

The first farmer said "No, I got all that covered, I took white paint
and in BIG BOLD letters I painted all my cattle with COW, the horses
have HORSE, the sheep and goats are SHEEP or GOAT, I even got the
chickens marked."

Several months passed an the two farmers ran into each other in town and
one asked the other "Well, how did you fair with those Aggie hunters,
did you loose any livestock?"

The other farmer said "No, all my livestock are just fine, but they sure
shot the heck out of my John Deere tractor."
%
Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource.  If
you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place.  And if you cut
down the new tree, still another will grow.  And if you cut down that
tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
come back.

Wood heat is not new.  It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire.  One of the
cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey!  Wood
heat!"  The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
beat him to death with stones.  But the key discovery had been made,
and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
although their insurance rates went way up.
		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
%
   Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell?
   A: Dung!
%
Some real quotes:

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another."
		--George Bush, US President

"I have opinions of my own -strong opinions-but I don't always agree
with them."
		--George Bush, US President

"I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes."
		--Richard Nixon, US President

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different
from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
		--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be
cut right out from under your feet."
		-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
%
Some real quotes from former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle, ex
2000-presidential candidate:

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

"Hawaii is a unique state.  It is a small state.  It is a state that
is by itself.  It is different from the other 49 states.  Well, all
states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago..."
%
More authentic quotes:

"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have
higher incomes than others."
		--Gerry Brown

"Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand."
		--Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we
need?"
		--Lee Iacocca

"Please provide the date of your death."
		--from an IRS letter

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and
one word only: Super Bowl."
		--Bill Peterson, football coach

"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."
		--Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant
%
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

                 -- Alex Levine

%
On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one
farmer arrived at the village church.  The pastor said, "Well, I guess
we won't have a service today."

The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding
time, I feed it."

After a three hour sermon, the pastor asked the lone attendant how he
liked it.

"Heck," he replied.  "If I went to feed the cows and only
one showed up, I wouldn't force her to eat the whole load."
%
A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of
obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who
had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they
got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out.

All from the same person.
%
Smart women:

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
- Wendy Liebman-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-

I think, therefore I'm single.
-Lizz Winstead-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country.
-Elayne Boosler-

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
-Gilda Radner-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want
anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage
and a career.
-Gloria Steinhem-

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home
which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls
every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes
home late at night.
-Marie Corelli-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his
house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-
%
A man sitting on the airplane.  The flight attendant asks him:

Would you like something to eat?

"From what can I choose?"

"YES or No!"
%
A Jewish man comes to the town and finds a coke machine.

He inserts a coin, pushes the button.  The machine beeps, but gives
nothing.  He inserts another coin.  Pushes the button.  The machine
beeps again, but gives nothing.  He inserts another coin.  Pushes the
button.  The machine beeps, but gives nothing again.

The man says: "Really smart trick!"
%
   About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died
because I left the lights on overnight.  I was in a hurry to get to
work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand
to start the car.

   I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas
guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it.  I pointed
out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it
needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start.  She said fine,
hoped into her car and drove off.  I sat there fuming wondering what
can she be doing.  A minute passed by and when I saw her in the
rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should
have been a bit clearer with my directions.
%
"Hey shortie!  Got a match?"
	--Film extra to Adolph Zukor, famous Hollywood studio head
	
From "The 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said" by Ross & Kathryn Petras
%
A flustered air traffic controller was trying to raise the pilot of 
flight USA 553.

Controller:  USA 3-5-3, contact Cleveland Center 135.6.

<pause>

Controller:  USA 3-5-3, contact Cleveland Center 135.6!

<pause>

Controller:  USA 3-5-3, you're just like my wife! You never listen!

Pilot:       Center, this is USA 5-5-3. Maybe if you called her by the 
             right name you'd get a better response!
%
        A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby
camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?"
        The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the
desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."
        "Okay," said the son.
        A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got
these great long eyelashes?"
        "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the
trips through the desert."
        "Thanks Mom," replies the son.
        After a short while, the son asks, "Mom, why have I have
these great big humps on my back??"  The mother, now a little
impatient with her boy replies, "They are there to help us store
water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without
drinking for long periods."
        "That's great Mom...so we have huge feet to stop us from
sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes, and these
humps to store water.  But Mom..."
        "Yes, son?"
        "Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"
%
Having smoking sections in restaurants is like having urinating and non-
urinating sections in public swimming pools.
                   --Garfield Mahood, executive director
                     Canadian Non-Smokers' Rights Association
%
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my
mother's birthday tomorrow.  What shall we buy for her?  She would
like something electric."

The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"
%
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer.

Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets.
The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could
be playing tricks.

The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised.  This is just part of
my job."

"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it!"

"Does your boss know what a prize he has in you?  An animal that can
talk!"

"No, no," pleaded the dog.  "Please don't! If that man finds out he
will make me answer the phone as well!"
%
A man walks into a bar and yells: "QUICK! Give me a glass of
beer before IT gets started!"

A bartender says: "What started? What are you talking about?"

"No questions.  Just give me the beer, faster!" He drinks the beer and
screams again: "One more, hurry up!  Before it gets started!"

"What started?"

"Nevermind! Give me my beer!"  He drinks the second glass and
continues: "Third glass!  Faster!  Before it gets started! Do it!"

Finally, the bartender asks: "Hey, pal. Are you gonna pay?"

"Shit! It's started..."
%
Beer lovers stashing their brew  
	RALEIGH, N.C., Dec. 9 (UPI) -- Forget all the hoopla over computer  
meltdowns and champagne shortages, a survey Thursday by beer.com shows 
suds lovers are concerned about their stash of liquid barley in the 
event of Y2K chaos.  The survey showed 74.2 percent of those asked have 
already taken steps to prepare for potential Y2K beer shortages.  Nearly 
31 percent of the 1,300 beer drinkers surveyed say they won't drink 
anything but a cold beer to ring in the New Year.  Should the world 
monetary system collapse Jan. 1, a Beer Barter System would be 
activated.  For example, the poll said, beer lovers would sacrifice 1.6 
bottles of beer for a dozen eggs, 1.8 bottles for a liter of milk and 
four bottles of beer for a T-bone steak. 
%
*warning: religious references

A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar.  A stranger
comes buy and asks if he's O.K.

The drunk replies by asking, "Do you know who I am?"

The stranger says "No.  Who are you?"

The drunk proudly says "I'm Jesus Christ... and I can prove it!  Come
with me!"

They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells

"Jesus Christ! Are you here again?"
%
Maid :"Your husband, ma'am, is lying unconscious in the hall with a
piece of paper in his hand and a large box by his side!"

Mrs. Green (joyfully): "Oh, then my new hat has arrived!"
%
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning
her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women
have you slept with?"

"Baby, " he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."  Kim
promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, then started to count on his fingers "One, two,
three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven,
twelve, thirteen....."
%
*warning: gross

Carl went to a bar and ordered a bowl of chili.

"Sorry, we're all out", the bartender replied.

Carl noticed another man at the end of the bar with a full bowl of
chili watching the television, he was ignoring the chili.  It smelt
really good, and Carl really wanted the chili.

So he asked the man "Are you going to eat that?", and the man said
"No, you can have it."

Carl ate the chili, then noticed that there was a dead rat in the
bowl.  He threw up, filling the bowl back up.  Another man came up to
Carl and said "Are you going to eat that?", pointing at the bowl.

Carl replied "No, you can have it."
%
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.  After long hours of
effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs,
until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his
shell.  After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the
tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.  The
little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a
couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle
with pain.  Suddenly the female bird says to the male: "Hey dear, I
think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."
%
        A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon, loaded
with corn.  The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
        "Hey Clarence!!" the farmer yelled.  "Forget your
troubles.  Come into the house with me and the Mrs, and have
a bite to eat.  Then I'll help you get the wagon up."
        "That's mighty nice of you, "Clarence answered, "but I
don't think Pa would like me to."
        "Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
        "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but
Pa won't like it."
        After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel
a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
        "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By
the way, where is he?"
        "Under the wagon."
%
"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute
poverty equally."
		--Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister
%
"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."
		--Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel
%
"I've read about foreign policy and studied-I know the number of
continents."
		--George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign
%
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types
of people."
		--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
%
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
		--Keppel Enderbery
%
"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly."
		--Batman Costume warning label
%
"Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer
if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and
and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and
and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?"
%
"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 
doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."
		-- Hepler, Systems Design 182
%
"After a careful reading of the Starr Report, I am impressed by
the salacious and voyeuristic nature of your work." 
	- Larry Flynn, porn magazine publisher, in an open
	letter offering a job to prosecutor Kenneth Starr
%
You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's."  In
many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
If you are traveling with a child  aged six months to three years, you
should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.

In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
hemorrhoids.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
%
Sir Ernest Rutherford, President of the Royal Academy, and recipient
of the Nobel Prize in Physics, related the following story: "Some time
ago I received a call from a colleague.  He was about to give a
student a zero for his answer to a physics question, while the student
claimed a perfect score.  The instructor and the student agreed to an
impartial arbiter, and I was selected.

I read the examination question: "Show how it is possible to determine
the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer."

The student had answered: "Take the barometer to the top of the
building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and then
bring it up, measuring the length of the rope.  The length of the rope
is the height of the building."

The student really had a strong case for full credit since he had
really answered the question completely and correctly!  On the other
hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a high
grade in his physics course and certify competence in physics, but the
answer did not confirm this. I suggested that the student have another
try. I gave the student six minutes to answer the question with the
warning that the answer should show some knowledge of physics. At the
end of five minutes, he hadn't written anything.  I asked if he wished
to give up, but he said he had many answers to this problem; he was
just thinking of the best one. I excused myself for interrupting him
and asked him to please go on.

In the next minute, he dashed off his answer which read: "Take the
barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge of the
roof.  Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch.  Then,
using the formula x=0.5*a*t^2, calculate the height of the building."

At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up.  He conceded,
and gave the student almost full credit. While leaving my colleague's
office, I recalled that the student had said that he had other answers
to the problem, so I asked him what they were.

"Well," said the student, "there are many ways of getting the height
of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.  For example, you
could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of
the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow
of the building, and by the use of simple proportion, determine the
height of the building."

"Fine," I said, "and others?"

"Yes," said the student, "there is a very basic measurement method
you will like.  In this method, you take the barometer and begin to
walk up the stairs.  As you climb the stairs, you mark off the
length of the barometer along the wall.  You then count the number
of marks, and his will give you the height of the building in
barometer units."

"A very direct method."

"Of course. If you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie
the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and
determine the value of g [gravity] at the street level and at the
top of the building. From the difference between the two values of
g, the height of the building, in principle, can be calculated."

"On this same tack, you could take the barometer to the top of the
building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to just above the street,
and then swing it as a pendulum.  You could then calculate the height
of the building by the period of the precession".

"Finally," he concluded, "there are many other ways of solving the
problem."  "Probably the best," he said, "is to take the barometer to
the basement and knock on the superintendent's door.  When the
superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: 'Mr.
Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell me the
height of the building, I will give you this barometer."

At this point, I asked the student if he really did not know the
conventional answer to this question. He admitted that he did, but
said that he was fed up with high school and college instructors
trying to teach him how to think.

The name of the student was Niels Bohr."
%
#define BITCOUNT(x)	(((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
#define  BX_(x)		((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777)			\
			     - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333)			\
			     - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))

	-- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
%
     A nurse in the maternity ward asked a young medical student why he
was so enthusiastic about obstetrics.  He said sheepishly, "When I was on
medical rotation I suffered from heart attacks, asthma and itch.  In
surgery I was sure I had ulcers.  In the psychiatric wards I thought I
was losing my mind.  Now, in obstetrics, I can relax."
%
        Two guys are walking through a desert with a camel.  They come to an
oasis with a pool of water.  They both drink their share but the camel
wouldn't drink.  The two didn't think much of it, figuring he would drink at
the next water hole.  Soon they come to the second water hole and still the
camel wouldn't drink.  They are a little concerned because the camel is a
little sluggish now.  When they come to a third water hole they are
practically dragging the camel now.  Still he would not drink.  The first guy
says to the second, "we have to think of something.  If he doesn't drink now
he will die and we will be stuck here in the desert."  The second says, " I
know, I will hold his head in the water and you suck on his ass.  That should
get some water into him."  The first agrees that this is a workable idea.
The second holds the camels head in the water and the first gets behind the
camel.  A couple of minutes go by and the guy holding the camels head
calls back to his friend asking if he is getting any water yet.  His friend
answers, "maybe you should lift his head up some, all I'm getting is mud."
%
There's a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going
to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white
striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes
throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then
walking off the field.  At the end of the summer, it came time for the
first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and
blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to
wait for the birds to get off of the field.  The guy wrote his thesis
on this, and graduated.
%
Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge.

The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a
long time and there is something I must get off my chest.
I am a Kleptomaniac.  But, don't worry, I have never stolen from
you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."

The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions
here, I must get something off my chest too.  I am a Nymphomaniac.
But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands.  They don't interest
me and never will; we have been friends for too long."

"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something.  I am a
Lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you.  You are not my type.
We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."

The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also.
I am an uncontrolable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"
%
God was talking to Adam. 
"Adam I have good news and bad news."
"What's the good news Lord?"
"I gave you both a brain and a penis."
"Thank you Lord. I'm sure I'll find good uses for both of them. What's the
bad news?"
"I didn't give you enough blood to use both at the same time."
%
Expense Account for January 2000
-------------------------------------

l January    Ad for female stenographer                     $5.00

2 January    Violets for new stenographer                    7.50

6 January    Week's salary for stenographer                225.00

9 January    Roses for stenographer                         25.00

10 January   Candy for wife                                  4.50

12 January   Lunch for stenographer                         35.00

13 January   Week's salary for stenographer                300.00

16 January   Movie tickets for self and wife                 6.00

18 January   Theater tickets for self and stenographer      75.00

19 January   Ice cream soda for wife                         1.50

20 January   Virginia's salary                             375.00

23 January   Champagne and dinner for "Ginny"              160.00

25 January   Doctor for stupid stenographer               1500.00

25 January   Fur coat for wife                            6800.00

27 January   Ad for male stenographer                        6.50
%
The priest of a small town parish received a visit from his superior,
the monsignor.  As they walked through the streets of the town, the
monsignor noticed a family of 8 walking together.  Turning to the
priest, he remarked:

"Now, there goes a good Catholic family!"

"Yes, monsignor, the father is one of my deacons, and the mother teaches
in our Sunday school."

They amble along, catching sight of an even larger family, with 8
children.

"Now, there goes another good Catholic family!"

"Oh, yes, monsignor, the twins are both altar boys, their aunt is a
Benedictine sister."

As they go along, another large family comes into view, mother, father
and 7 children.

"What a great little town this is, there is another wonderful Catholic
family!"

"Well, actually, monsignor, that family is Presbyterian."

"The sex fiend!"
%
* warning: gross

After an automobile accident, one of the drivers finds his false teeth
have been broken, and he's really mad at the other driver.  "You know how
long it's gonna take to get these replaced?  I won't be able to have a
decent meal for at least a week!"
  The other driver says, "Hey, I think I may have a pair that'll fit you."
So he opens the trunk of his car, and brings out a box with a whole lot of
false teeth in it.  The other guy tries a few, and pretty soon he finds a
pair that fits perfectly!
  "Hey, this is great!  They fit as good as my own!", he says.  "But how
come you have all these false teeth in your car?  Are you a dentist or
something?
  To which he receives the reply, "No.  I'm an undertaker."
%
	Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
been worse."
	To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no 
hope in it.  Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
"Harry!  Did you hear what happened to George?  He came home last night,
found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
the gun on himself!"
	"Terrible," said Harry.  "But it could have been worse."
	"How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly
have been worse?"
	"Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
dead right now."
%
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a
mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he
does a double take.  He knows that the saucer is extremely old and
very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy
the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to
catch mice.  I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you
could throw in that old saucer.  The cat's used to it and it'll save
me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer.
So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
%
Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his
own thoughts.  Finally one said, "What do you think about all this
devil business we studied today?"

The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus
turned out.  This is probably just your Dad, too."
%
Sex is the most practical and funniest way of losing weight.
Look how many calories you can burn:

 * TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
 With her agreement..............................12 cal
 Without her agreement..........................187 cal

 * TAKING OFF THE BRA
 With both hands..................................8 cal
 With one hand...................................12 cal
 With one hand being slapped.....................37 cal
 With the mouth..................................85 cal

 * PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
 With erection....................................6 cal
 Without erection...............................315 cal

 * PRELIMINARIES
 Trying to find the clitoris......................8 cal
 Trying to find G spot...........................92 cal
 Without caring at all............................0 cal

 * WHEN DOING IT
 Holding her up..................................12 cal
 Just on the floor................................8 cal

 * POSITIONS
 daddy-mummy.....................................12 cal
 69 laying........................................8 cal
 69 standing up.................................112 cal
 Trolley........................................216 cal
 Italian chandelier.............................912 cal

 * HAVING AN ORGASM
 Real...........................................112 cal
 Fake...........................................315 cal

 * POST ORGASM
 Staying in bed..................................18 cal
 Jumping off the bed.............................36 cal
 Explaining why she jumped off the bed..........816 cal

 * GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
 Between 16 and 19 years of age..................12 cal
 from 20 to 29...................................36 cal
 from 30 to 39..................................108 cal
 from 40 to 49..................................324 cal
 from 50 to 59..................................972 cal
 over 60.......................................2916 cal

 * PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
 Quietly.........................................32 cal
 Being in a hurry................................98 cal
 With her husband opening the door.............1218 cal
%
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.
Another man's, I mean.
		-- Mark Twain
%
FEMALE FANTASIES

In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked
to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said
that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears
that most men do not realise that in this fantasy, one man is cooking
and the other is cleaning.
%
Mommy, mommy!  I hate my father's guts!
Okay, just eat the potatoes...
%
        Edna Seamon's husband had passed on and she was so distraught
that she sought out a spiritualist who told her that her husband was
fine, that he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her.  "Is there
anything he needs?" Edna asked.
        The spiritualist went into a transient state, then replied, "He
says he'd love a package of cigarettes."
        "I'll send them immediately," Edna said joyfully.  "But did he
give an address?"
        "No.  But he didn't ask for matches."
%
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor!! I think
I'm shrinking!!"  

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.  You'll just have to
be a little patient."
%
* warning: sexual material

Superman was in the local bar getting shit faced.  The bartender asked 
him if he planned on getting layed tonight.  Superman said yea, I'm 
getting kinda horny.  So why don't you go look for Wounderwoman said the 
bartender.  So Superman tries 5 or 6 times to take to the air.  When he 
was airborne it was really hard to for him to stay focused.  Using his 
x-ray vision, peeping through all the buildings in Metropolis.  He 
finally found Wounderwoman spralled out bare assed naked in bed with no 
covers on.  He thinks to himself and says this'll be easy, I'll zip down 
real quick, do her, and fly away and nobody will even know.  So, he zips 
down, does her, and flies away.  Wounderwoman asks the Invisible Man, 
did you hear that?  No says the Invisible Man, but my asshole sure feels 
sore now.
%
Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening
progressed, he found himself attracted to her more and more.  After
some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to
making love?"

"That is something I have never done before," Jill replied.

"Never made love?  You mean you are a virgin?" Jack was amazed.

"No, silly!" she giggled.  "Never objected!"
%
* warning: religious characters

Jesus, Moses, and an old man were playing golf.  Moses hits... heads
straight for the lake...  Moses raises his club... the waters
part... ball lands ten feet from the pin.

Jesus hits... heads straight for the lake... Jesus raises his
hand... the ball bounces off the water and lands three feet from the
pin.

The old man hits...heads straight for the lake... a squirrel runs out
and picks up the ball, and runs into the woods... an eagle swoops
down, picks up the squirrel, and flies off... the squirell drops the
ball right into the cup.

Jesus turns to the old man and says, "nice shot, Dad."
%
Guy with no arms went into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender 
shoved the foaming glass in front of him. 
   The guy says, "As you can see, I have no arms. Would you please hold 
the glass up to my mouth?" 
   "Sure," said the bartender, holding the glass while the guy 
sipped.
   "Now," said the guy, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my 
handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth." 
   "Reckon so." 
   Armless guy says, "If you'd reach in my right pants pocket, you'll 
find the money for the beer." 
   The bartender got the money. 
   "You've been very kind," said the guy. "Just one thing more. Where is 
the men's room?" 
   Bartender thinks for a moment, then says, "In the filling station on 
the next corner, bud."
%
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the
psychiatrist began his therapy session.  "I'm not aware of your
problem," the doctor said.  "So perhaps, you should start at the very
beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient.  "In the beginning, I created the
Heavens and the Earth..."
%
Age is an issue of mind over matter.  If you don't mind, ... it
doesn't matter.
	- Mark Twain
%
Father Scola could make some good sermons.  One day, he was talking on
the Ten Commandments and, boy, did he get excited.  He was jumping up
and down.  Beating on the pulpit.  He said you have to obey the Ten
Commandments.  He said everyone has sinned and messed up at some
point.  "Some of you think you're perfect," he said.  "Well, nobody's
perfect!"

He got more and more excited.

"Anyone out there who thinks he's perfect, stand up," he said.

After a while, Clabert stood up.

"I can't believe you think you're perfect!" Father Scola said to him.

"No, not me, Father," Clabert said.  "I'm just standing in for my
wife' s first husband!"
%
Last New Year's Eve, a lady stood up at the local pub and said that it
was time to get ready for the celebrations.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing
next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing.  The bartender was almost crushed to
death.
%
One lady ask another: "D'you love your husband?"
"Of course, I love men in general."
%
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
%
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's bloody heavy."
%
Two silkworms were in a race.  They ended up in a tie.
%
One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a
bondage S+M magazine.  This was highly upsetting for her.  She hid the
magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.  He looked at
it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
%
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a
list.

"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we
still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used
carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied.  "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
%
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to
have sex with him for the last 7 months.  The doc tells the man to
bring his wife in so he can talk to her.  So the wife comes into the
doctor's office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't
she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab
to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you
going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

"When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to
write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

"Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so
the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or
what?' so again I take a 'or what'.

"So you see, doc, when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want
it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says,
"So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
%
"Why does man kill?  He kills for food.
 And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."
			  -- Woody Allen
%
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine
restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few
paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his
chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and
out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the
table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your
husband just slid under the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just
walked in the door."
%
I tried out a new 'speak your weight' machine the other day...
...It said "One at a time, please"
%
A man took his wife to a Broadway show.  During the first intermission
he had to take a leak in the worst way, so he hurried to find the
bathrooms.

He searched in vain for the bathrooms, but he finally found a
beautiful fountain with foliage, and since nobody was watching, so he
decided to take a leak right there.

When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had
already begun.  He searched in the dark until he found his wife.  "Did
I miss much of the second act?" he asked.

"Miss it?" she said, "You were in it!"
%
TO: allusers
FROM: security services
SUBJECT: VIRUS ALERT!

There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propogated
through the email system.  If you get an email message with the
subject: "VIRUS ALERT!" do not open the mail message.  If you do, the
virus scrambles random parts of every text file on your system.

VERY IMPORTANT:  If you do get this virus, the first thing dlkfjaid
dfdjas nairb gfdq40wt yaj  asdfsdg  dluog av da[agj asdfajpg as
dflasidffnm asd difvu asdfa vgoiae  vdsofj we dasdf 9efm sd dag0 g
adf as dg 0vbwe  ads gwefawe ads vewerwe dsf!
%
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive
Mann Auditorium to hear a concert by the Israel Philharmonic.  He was
admiring the architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, the
modern decor throughout the building.  Finally he turned to his escort
and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous
author.

"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredieric Mann, from
Philadelphia."

"Never heard of him," said the American. "What did he write?"

"A check."
%
Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we
poisonous snakes?"

The other replied, "You're darn right we are!  We're rattlesnakes.
Why do you ask?"

To which the first replied, "Because I just bit my tongue."
%
* warning: ethnic references

The old Jewish man was walking on the beach with his only grandson,
when a giant wave crashes on shore, sweeping the boy out to sea.  The
man looks up to the heavens and says:

"Oh Lord, this is my only grandson.  How can you take him away from me
like this?  My son will not understand.  My daughter-in-law will die
from grief."

Another wave comes by, and deposits the boy at the old man's feet.

The grandfather looks to the heavens again and says, "He had a hat!"
%
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction centre where he was to
advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their
GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had
almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened
before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room
and listened to Jones's sales pitch.  Jones explained the basics of
the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the
government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.  If you don't
have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the
government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to
send into battle first?
%
Q. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

A. They have the same middle name.
%
Do you live in a apartment or duplex?  Living there can be a great way
to meet people but you know the Big Annoyance -- hearing your
neighbors singing in the shower.

NOW you can do something about it!  With WarblStop (tm) installed in
your building, no more will you suffer from hearing offkey shower
singing.  WarblStop (tm) attaches to a 120v outlet and the building's
hot water heater.  It can be ezily concealed in the laundry room (it
looks just like a dead rat).  When the sensitive, NSA-approved,
peizoelectric microphone senses off-key vocal patterns, it tells the
hotwatersensorvalve on the WarblStop (tm) to rapidly close and open
the hot water flow.

If you've ever been in the shower when your spouse flushes the toilet,
you know what that feels like.

Sure you could do this yourself when you hear them singing, but what
about when you're not home?  If it always happens when you're home,
they'll know it's you.  Not with the WarblStop (tm)!  Call now and
order yours!  Or call today and order yours now! Only $299.95 shipping
included.  (Specify color of rat).

ezIndustries 1-900-NOW-ARBL
%
This boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out
together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on
the wall and says to her,

"Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob? "
"What? You're crazy???!!! "
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem. "
"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up..."
"I've already said NO, and NO! "
"Honey, it's just a small blowie...  I know you like it too.."
"NO!!!  I've said NO!!! "
"My love.. don't be like that.. "

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown
with hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says.

"Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will
come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake to
tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom! "
%
Radar:  Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees
Pilot:  Roger, but we are at 35.000 feet, how much noise can we
        make up here ?
Radar:  Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits
        a 727 ?
%
"It's just a job.  Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the
sand.  I beat people up."
  - Muhammed Ali
%
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, now aged 10, if he knew about
the birds and the bees.  "I don't want to know!" little Johnny said,
bursting into tears.  Confused, the father asked Little Johnny what
was wrong.

"Oh Dad," Johnny sobbed,

"At age 6 I got the 'there's no Santa' speech.

At age 7 I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech.

Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech.

If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've
got nothing left to live for!"
%
*warning: sexist

At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England
stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more
assertive with our husbands.  Well after the conference I went home
and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he
would have to do it himself.  After the first day I saw nothing.
After the second day I saw nothing.  But after the third day I saw
that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years'
conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do
his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.  After the first
day I saw nothing.  After the second day I saw nothing.  But after the
third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my
washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years'
conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do
his shopping and that he would have to do it himself.  After the first
day I saw nothing.  After the second day I saw nothing.  But after the
third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."  
%
Q: What's the shortest sentence in the English language?
A: "I am."

Q: What's the longest sentence in the English language?
A: "I do!"
%
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire
become a great writer.

When asked to define "great," he said, "I want to write stuff that the
whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly
emotional level -- stuff that will make them scream in disbelief, cry
in despair, howl in pain, and vent their anger in ways they've never
dreamed of!"

The young man got his wish.  He now works for Microsoft, writing error
messages.
%
* warning: knowledge of American "civilization" required

University of Wisconsin researchers say rats that have listened to
Mozart sonatas since before birth learn faster than other rats.
However, they still did not fulfill their Columbia House Record Club
obligations, despite the threatening letters and phone calls.
%
* warning: immoral

The agent for a beautiful actress discovered one day that she had been
selling her body at a hundred dollars a night.  The agent, who had
long lusted for her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily
obtainable.  He approached her, told her how much she turned him on,
and how much he wanted to make it with her.

She agreed to spend the night with him, but said he would have to pay
her the same hundred dollars that the other customers did.  He
scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get
my agent's ten percent as a deduction?"

"No siree," she said.  "If you want it, you're going to have to pay
full price for it, just like the other Johns."

The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed.

That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local
night club.  The agent did her at midnight, after turning out all the
lights.

At 1 A.M., she was awakened again.  Again she was vigorously done.  In
a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was made love to
again.  The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality.

"My goodness," she whispered in the dark, "you are so virile.  I never
realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent."

"I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered.  "He's at the
door selling tickets."
%
"Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous.  Most women would love
to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only
opening the door for her out of chivalry."

"Mr. Smith," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce.  I cannot
believe chivalry was your motivation while driving 65 mph."
%
A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and 
generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around 
the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you 
can do, I can do better." 
   The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."
   The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level. 
   Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?" 
   "I just shut down two engines, kid." 
%
The doorbell rang this morning.  When I opened the door there was my
mother-in-law on the front step.

She said "Can I stay here for a few days?"

I said: "Sure you can." and shut the door in her face.
%
	Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a 
blizzard.  He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that, 
while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter.  She proved 
to be eighteen and beautiful.   So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a 
pass at the daughter.  "Stop that!" she said.  "I'll call my father."  
	He desisted.  But half an hour later he made another attempt.  "Uh, 
stop ... that," she said.  "I'll call my father."
	But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try.  This time, no
protest, no threat.  Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she 
tugged at his pajama sleeve.  "Could we do that again?" she asked.  
	Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the 
tug at his sleeve.  "Again?"  
	And again Ed obliged.  But when his sleep was once more interrupted
by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
and mumbled, "Stop that!  Or I'll call your father."
%
McAteer arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with
tears streaming down his cheeks.

An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied McAteer. "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out," said the Irishman.
%
From the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's
magazine of preventive maintenance:

	A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when
	you least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in
	what's left of your unit.
%
* gross

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.  A few
minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops
down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.  The little
guy starts to feel a little air sick, but he's afraid to wake the big
guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom.  He knows he can't climb
over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big
guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave a
nausea passes through the little guy.  He can't hold it in any longer
and throws up all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees
the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
%
A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go
for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired.  Under
a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and
with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter.  Sobbing
uncontrollably she asked her seducer,
	"How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?"
	"Twice?" asked the young man, confused.
	"Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye.
"You're going to do it again, aren't you?"
%
Dear Mr. Jones:

We noticed you've not picked up any condoms at SpiffyMart recently.
(Your last purchase was 8 weeks ago.)  Further, you have stopped
buying feminine hygiene products, but have sharply increased your
frozen pizza and dinners usage in the same time frame.

It's clear that Ms. Jody Sanders has dumped you.  (It's probably for
the best - we knew she was a loser from that cheap shampoo she buys.)
We confirmed this with the Post Office database -- yep, she filed a
change of address.

As the number-one vender of hot X-rated videos, we'd like to help you
out in this time of stress. If you're feeling lonely, check out our
catalog of both VHS and super 8 tapes. Order now and we throw in an
extra tape FREE!  

P.S.: That "blond" at O'Dougles last Saturday -- you bought her 2nd
Strawberry Martini?  Forget it!  She's on her third yeast infection in
as many months, and is a 'regular' at Acme Pharmacy.
%
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the
car and started it up.  After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared
in the passenger window and tapped lightly.  The passenger screamed,
"Look at the window.  There's an old ghost's face there!"  The driver
sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.  The passenger
rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said,
"What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it,"
to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.  The
driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the
speedometer says we're doing 80 now."  All of a sudden there was a
light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

"There he is again," the passenger yelled.  He rolled down the window
and shakily said, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.  The passenger threw
a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they
had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more
tapping.

"Oh my God!  He's back!"  The passenger rolled down the window and
screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"

The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the
mud?"
%
Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair.  The first
morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because
I was born totally hairless.  Not a hair on my body, not even down
there."

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never
seen anything like that.  Please, tomorrow, ask her to go into the
bedroom and show you.  I want to hide in the closet so I can have a
look."

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into
the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her.  Then the girl says,
"I've never seen one with hair on it.  Can I see yours?"

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her.  That night,
Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because
I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."

Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...  I had the four
guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
%
An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a
customer.

"As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you
say '$75.'  If his eyes don't flutter, say, 'For the frames.  The
lenses will be $50.'  If his eyes still don't flutter, you add 'Each.'"
%
Hey, remember that guy who spent 33 years living in a tree to get the
World Record so that he'd always be remembered?

Me neither.
%
AP Top News at 6 p.m. EDT [Apr 18 2000]

	Two Disqualified in Wheelchair Marathon  

	BOSTON (AP) -- In a first for an event that has already survived  
the most notorious cheating scandal in running, the Boston Marathon 
has disqualified two able-bodied competitors for entering the 
wheelchair race. ``To the best of my knowledge, that's never 
happened before,'' said Marja Bakker, a member of the Boston 
Athletic Association's adjudication committee. The names of the two 
competitors were not immediately available. 
%
A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their
union after a very short time together.  After a most brief attempt to
reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalise their break-up.

The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that
you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage
together?"

The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't
been able to agree on one thing."

The wife says, "Seven weeks."
%
After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the evening,
the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See here," she shouted
indignantly.  "This is positively the last time I'm going to tell you `no'."
	"Splendid!" exclaimed her date.  "Now we can start making some
progress."
%
An Angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in
return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward
him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty.  Without
hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
 
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt
of lightning.  Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits
surrounded by a faint halo of light.  At length, one of his colleagues
whispers, "Say something."
 
The dean looks at them and says, "I should have taken the money."
%
I was correcting the English in a report written by my roommate (who
is Swiss-German and is here doing postgraduate work in educational
psychology).

She had written: "Mike prevented William from working by putting his
hand over William's keyboard.  Mike found this very sparingly and did
it again and again."

I asked her, "What do you mean by 'sparingly'?"

She replied that she had originally written "funny," but when she ran
the report through the grammar-checker on her computer, it told her
that "funny" was trite and suggested "sparingly" as a substitute.

Baffled, I crossed out "sparingly" and wrote "amusing."

The next morning, it hit me: the grammar-checker must have said
something like "The word 'funny' is trite.  Use sparingly."
%
* warning: disturbing

An African village was troubled by a man-eating lion.  So its leaders
sent a message to the great white hunter, to come and kill the beast.

For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never
showed up.  Finally, he told the tribal chief to kill a cow and give
him its hide.  Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the
pasture to wait for the lion.

In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of
blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture.  As they carefully
approached, they saw the hunter lying there, groaning in pain.  There
was no sign of the lion.

"What happened, bwana? Where is the lion? asked the chief.

"Forget the damn lion !" he howled.  "Which of you Idiots let the bull
loose?"
%
Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
%
An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion
about the happiness of life.

	"To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening,
having a wonderful dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the
sofa watching Monday Night Football," the American said.

	"You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected,
"Sharing a beautiful evening with my lover, walking along the Seine
river, and having a romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower.  That
is happiness of life."

	"You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed,
"then you two still don't understand life at all.  Imagine this.  You
are sleeping soundly at night in Saigon.  Then suddenly you hear loud
knocks on your front door.  You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van
Binh, open the door!'.  Quaking with fear, you rush out and open the
door.  Right there, you see two secret policemen ready to handcuff
you.  One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, you are under
arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities.  You are being sent to
the re-educational camp tonight!'  Sweating profusely and shaking
uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh
lives next door.'  That moment is happiness in life, my friends.
%
Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result
seldom had guests.  He was eager to help his mother after his father
appeared with two dinner guests from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and
proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his
father who passed it to a guest.  Little Johnny came in with a second
piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.

This was too much for Little Johnny:
"It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."
%
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take
another minute with her.  Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a
friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if
something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim
expression and said, "I have some bad news.  My grandfather just
died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied.  "If yours hadn't, mine would have
had to!"
%
Associated Press Top News May 1, 2000

	LONDON (AP) -- Anti-capitalist demonstrators clashed with
police Monday in central London, daubing anti-war slogans on the
Cenotaph war memorial, tearing down the golden arches of a McDonald's
and spray-painting a hammer and sickle on a statue of Winston
Churchill in a May Day protest.  Prime Minister Tony Blair decried the
demonstrators, saying, ``The people responsible for the damage caused
in London today are an absolute disgrace.''  He added, ``To deface the
Cenotaph and the statue of Winston Churchill is simply beneath
contempt.  It is only because of the bravery and courage of our war
dead that these idiots can live in a free country at all.''
%
Coffee, chocolate, men... some things are just better rich.
%
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
%
This Welsh bloke is on a train journey from St Petersburg to Moscow.
Seated beside him is Gary Kasparov.  After a while Kasparov turns to
the Welsh bloke and asks him whether he'd like to play chess to pass
the time.

The Welsh bloke says, "You think I don't know who you are? I'm no
match for a world champion."

Kasparov replies, "How about if I play left-handed?"

The Welsh bloke thinks for a while and then agrees.  Obviously the
game is very quick -- the Welsh bloke is beaten in ten moves and
refuses to speak to Kasparov for the rest of the journey.

When the Welsh bloke returns from his travels, he tells his father how
he played chess with Gary Kasparov and lost in spite of him playing
left-handed.

His father replies, "He fooled you, didn't he? Gary Kasparov IS left-
handed."
%
A young woman brings home her finacee to meet her parents.  After
dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar." he replies.

"A Torah scholar.  Hmmm," the father says.  "Admirable, but what will
you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's
accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will
provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father.  "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the finacee.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father
questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"  The father answers,
"He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
%
The analyst was concerned about the results of a Rorschach test he had
just given for the patient who associated every ink blot with some
sort of sexual activity.

"I want to study the results of your test over the weekend, and I'd
like to see you on Monday," he said to the patient.

"OK, doc.  I'm going to a bachelor party tomorrow night.  Any chance
that I might borrow those dirty pictures of yours?"
%
   My teenage son, Chad, and nine of his friends came home one night
with newly pierced ears.  When his grandmother heard about it, she
asked him why he did it.  "Peer pressure," Chad told her.

   "You should be a leader instead of a follower," Grandma said.

    "I was," he replied.  "It was my idea."
%
During a course in human sexuality, the instructor was discussing
various items in the Kinsey report.  The class members gasped audibly
when the instructor read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms
in a single session.

A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"

A female voice followed with, "The hell with that... who was HE?!"
%
There is this American tourist on a trip around Ireland.

When the tour arrives at Belfast he decides to go for a stroll with
the aim of taking in this new culture.  After he's been walking for a
while someone rushes up behind him and sticks a gun in his back.

The man says to the tourist, "What are you, Catholic or Protestant?"

The American thinks to himself "Great -- if I say I'm Catholic, this
guy is sure to be Protestant.  If I say I'm Protestant, he's sure to
be Catholic.  Either way I'm dead."  Then he has a brain wave and says
to the Guy, "actually I'm Jewish."  This, he thinks to himself, will
surely keep him safe.

The guy behind him then replies, "Gee, I must be the luckiest Arab in 
Ireland."
%
Wanted: Computer programmer.  Some assembly required.
%
Ad in a newspaper:

Exchange "high-fidelity" husband for "high-frequency" lover.
%
Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do
something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with
   the sports section.

3. Be brief!  Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior.  Offer to cook him
   something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote
   on high power for 55 minutes.  Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave
   again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do
   as I say and no one will get hurt".
%
"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to
confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
	"But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man
replied. 
	"Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
%
* I don't know how to warn you

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived to USA by boat and one says to the
other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs"
"Odd, " Her companion replies "but if we shall live in America, we
might as well do as the Americans do."  Nodding emphatically, the
mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards
it.  "Two dogs, please" says one.  The vendor is only too pleased to
oblige and he wraps them both hot dogs in foil.  Excited, the nuns
hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs". The mother
superior is first to open hers, then, staring at it for a momment,
leans over to the other nun and asks cautiosly: "What part did you
get?"
%
Attributed to John Diefenbaker, Conservative prime minister at the
time; on a farm, standing on a manure spreader:

"This is the first time I've ever spoken from a Liberal platform."
%
A man walks into a bar and slips on a big pile of shit.  The bar man
says "Sorry pal, I've been meaning to clean that up all afternoon.  So
what'll it be?"  The man orders his drink and thinks nothing of his
misfortune.

A second man walks into the bar and again, slips on the pile of shit,
skidding up to the bar.  The first man casually looks at him and says
"I did that five minutes ago."

So the second man turns round and punches him in the mouth.
%
This hunter and his guide are completely lost.  "Hey," the hunter
shouts, "I thought you said you were the best guide in Wales."

"I am," replies the guide, "but I think we're in England now."
%
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the
time.  After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets
around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

"I can't," says the woman.  "That's the only night I'm home with my
husband."
%
The Smiths were proud of their family tradition.  Their ancestors had
come to America on the Mayflower.  They had included Senators and Wall
Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children
and grandchildren. They hired a fine author.  Only one problem arose:
how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the
electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared.  It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of
applied electronics at an important government institution, was
attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came
as a great shock."
%
One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm.
He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil,
then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a
goose.

Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.  The
livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,
carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry
the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. 

While walking he met a fair young lady.  She told him she was lost,
and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my
brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.  Let's take a short cut and go down
this alley.  We'll save half the time to get there".

The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the
alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and
ravish me?"

The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a
goose.  How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall
and do that?" 

The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the
goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the
chickens."
%
From the Manchester Evening News:

"Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly
Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket."
%
* political, gross

What do a Vending Machine and Monica Lewinsky have in Common?
The both say insert Bill here.
%
In the dorm, one of the favourite intramural sports was water
fights... dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt
guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets.  Since each room had a
sink, there was endless ammunition.  The most frequent target was the
Resident Assistant.

Approaching his room one afternoon, the Resident Assistant noticed his
door was ajar.  Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the
door's edge, ready to fall on him.  As he took down the pail and
emptied it into his sink, he thought: Those crazy guys actually
thought they could fool me with that old gag!  It was then he realised
that "those crazy guys" had removed the drainpipe beneath his sink.
%
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to
the ground.  One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see
that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear
things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up.  "Covered wagon," he says, "about two
miles away.  Have two horses, one brown, one white.  Man, woman,
child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend.  "This Indian knows how
far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the
wagon, and what is in the wagon.  Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
%
Two Arkansas hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car.
An Alabama hunter approached, pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you what to do," quoth the Alabama hunter,
"but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the
other direction.  Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy
was right.  This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away from the truck!"
%
Two old ladies, who were good friends, were sitting on a park bench
where they had sat for years and the first lady turned to her friend
and said with a tremor in her voice and near tears "I'm embarrassed,
but I've forgotten your name.  What is it?"

The second lady sat quietly for about two minutes, turned to her
friend and finally asked, "How soon do you have to know?
%
I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the
habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."

"What is she doing?" the pal asks.

"Waiting for me to get home."
%
The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't
let me do any work around the house.  It's incredible."

The second guy says, "That's nothing.  My wife thinks I'm God."

"She thinks you're God?  What makes you say that?"

"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."
%
It all started when my friend Ikiru decided to teach karate on campus.
He went through the whole process of getting room permits and all, and
decided to put together a poster to advertise the class.  So he read
all those old Charles Atlas ads and those endless ju-jitsu and hopkido
blurbs in the back of the comic books, and he came up with the
following poster:

 /----------------------------------------------------------------\
 |                        M A R T I A L   A R T S                 |
 |                                                                |
 |           - Learn Ancient Asian Techniques                     |
 |           - Develop Impressive Skills                          |
 |           - Learn the Art of Control                           |
 |           - Build Self-Confidence                              |
 |           - Protect Yourself                                   |
 |           - Train with exotic Impliments                       |
 |           - Achieve your Maximum Potential                     |
 |                                                                |
 |         New Class meets on Tuesday and Thursday, 7:00 PM       |
 |                                                                |
 \----------------------------------------------------------------/

The poster was adorned with a large script Japanese character, which
Ikiru admitted to me was the character for nori, the seaweed that one
uses for wrapping sushi.  But nevertheless, the poster was pretty
impressive.

So Ikiru sent the design to the printer, got two hundred copies, and put
them up around campus.

Tuesday night comes, and he arrives at the gym at a quarter of seven.
To his amazement, there are already around two hundred students there!
Now, based on his beautiful poster, he had expected a decent-sized
group, but this was extraordinary!

He glanced at his poster, and discovered why.  The printer had
evidently reversed two letters when typesetting the poster: the "T"
and the "I" in the title had been transposed...
%
An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take a leak
very badly.  After a long search he just couldn't find anyplace to
relieve himself.  So he just went down one of the side streets to take
care of business.

Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police officer said, "Hey
you, what are you doing?"

"I gotta go, man," replied the tourist.

"You can't go here.  Look, follow me," the policeman offered.

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,
pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.

"Here," said the cop, "whiz away."

The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the flowers.

"Ahhh.  Whew.  Thanks.  This is very nice of you.  Is this Russian
courtesy?"  asked the tourist.

"No. This is the American Embassy."
%
A wife invited some people to dinner.  At the table, she turned to
their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the
blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I
invite all these people to dinner?"
%
One night in Paris, an American tourist dropped into a sidewalk cafe
late one night and, after a couple of drinks, realized he was the last
person in the bar except for a chap sleeping at one of the tables.
The man called the proprietor over and asked for his bill.

"Would monsieur care for another drink?" asked the Frenchman.

"No thanks, I imagine you want to close up.  Why don't you send that
other fellow home?"

"Well, I should," said the other.  "But each time I wake him up he
asks for the bill and pays it again."
%
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the
minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to
the terrible plight of a poor family in this district.  The father is
dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are
starving.  They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets
unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife.  "May I ask who you
are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes.  "I'm
the landlord," he sobbed.
%
A man takes his seat in the theatre, but he is too far from the
screen.

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a
mystery close up.  Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome
tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man rewards him with
a quarter.

The usher looks at his tip for a second and then leans over to whisper
to the man, "The wife did it."
%
A woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing.  She says,
"Thank Heavens I've made it in time!  Have you any turkey?"  The
butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only turkey, and plops it
onto the scale.  It weighs 4 1/2 pounds.

"Ah, haven't you anything bigger?" the woman inquires.

The butcher returns the turkey to the fridge, takes it out again, and
plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the
turkey.  The scale shows 7 1/4 pounds.

"Marvelous!" says the woman.  "I'll have both of them please."
%
Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor
peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to,he politely
asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, without looking up, "and
I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"

Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's
because he's inside your cat."
%
During her regular check-up, an attractive lady was asked to disrobe
and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"That's all right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights.
You get undressed and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've
undressed.  What should I do with my clothes?"

"Your clothes?" answered the doctor.  "Put them over here, on top of
mine!"
%
"What's the usual tip?"  a man growled when, Jason, a college boy
delivered his pizza.

"Well," Jason replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys
said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" grunted the man.  "In that case, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," Jason said, "I'll put it in my college fund."

"By the way, what are you studying?" questioned the man.

Jason replied, "Applied psychology."
%
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy
husband who refused to find a job.  "My father pays our rent.  My
mother buys all of our food.  My sister buys our clothes.  My aunt
bought us a car.  I'm just so ashamed."

The husband rolled over on the couch.  "You should be ashamed," he
agreed.  "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."
%
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful
to him.  So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later
question each one on the other's behaviour.

When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in
general, then casually asked her about the specific behaviour of the
passenger he knew to be his mistress.  "She slept with nearly every
man on the ship," his wife reported.

The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to
ask her the same questions about his wife.
 
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.

"How so?" the encouraged man asked.

"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
%
A man came home from work sporting two black eyes.  What happened to
you?"  asked his wife.

"I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up in an
escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt
was stuck in the crack of her ass.  So I pulled it out, and she turned
around and punched me in the eye!"

"I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "but how did you get
the second black eye?"

"Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, "so I
pushed it back in."
%
Man in NY has car broken into outside his house and the radio stolen.
He replaces the radio, and next week he has that stolen too.  He
replaces the replacement radio, and a few days later finds the window
smashed and the new radio gone.  Totally pissed off, he leaves the
radio slot in the car empty, and puts a notice in the front window:

"Don't bother breaking in - radio stolen".

He finds the car next morning with the driver's window smashed and a
note on the front seat:

"Just checking".
%
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast
around the upper part of his body.  It fit under his shirt and was not
noticeable at all.  On the first day of the term, still with the cast
under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in
school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as
wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.  When a
strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled
the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.
%
The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit
earlier than expected.  He entered the master bedroom to change, and
found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Archibald Carpley.

The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her
infidelity.  With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had
taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given
her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and
jewels, and almost anything she desired.

By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then
turned his wrath on his supposed friend: "And as for you Archie ---
you might at least stop while I'm talking!"
%
A man comes home from a night of drinking.  As he falls through the
doorway, his wife snaps at him, "What's the big idea coming home half
drunk?"

"I'm sorry honey; I ran out of money."
%
Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago.  He was only a few
blocks away from his house when he realised he'd left his plane ticket
on top of his dresser.  He turned around and headed back to the house.
He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen.  He saw his wife
washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.  She
looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and
squeezed her left tit.

"Leave only one quart of milk," she said.  "Jon won't be here for
breakfast tomorrow."
%
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand,
clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.  Showing respect for
their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time
standing up.  Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to
tell the wife?"

They draw straws.  Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short
one.  They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad
situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen!  Discreet?  I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife
answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "Tell him to DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him."
%
Two mathematicians, Joe and Richard, were having dinner in a
restaurant.  They were arguing about the average mathematical
knowledge of the American public.  Richard claimed that this average
was woefully inadequate while Joe maintained that it was surpassingly
high.

"I'll tell you what," said Richard, "when I get back from the bathroom
we'll ask our waitress a simple calculus question.  If she gets it
right, I'll pick up dinner.  If not, you do, okay?" they agreed, but
once he'd left Joe called the waitress over.

"When my friend comes back," he told her, "he's going to ask you a
question; you should respond 'one third x cubed' no matter what the
question is; got that?  There's twenty bucks in it for you."  She
happily agreed to the gag.

Richard returned from the men's room and called the waitress over.
"The food was wonderful," he stated, "incidentally, do you know what
the integral of x squared is?"

The waitress looked startled, then pensive, almost pained.  She looked
around the room, at her feet , made gurgling noises, (Joe was starting
to sweat) and finally said, "Umm, one third x cubed?"

Joe beamed in relief as an astonished Richard paid the check and a
clearly irritated waitress muttered under her breath, "... plus a
constant."
%
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall,
holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.  For several minutes
they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said,
"A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the
cheek.  Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.  After a
while the girl spoke again.  "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow.  "Well, now," he said, "My thoughts are a
bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad.  "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that
first penny?"
%
* warning: this MAY be funny

Q: What happens to an agnostic dyslexic suffering from insomnia?
A: He stays up all night wondering whether a dog exists.
%
The doctor took the patient into the room and said, "I have some good
news and some bad news."

"Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."
%
I'm pleased to announce that your neurons have been granted tenure.
None of them can be fired.
%
A man tripped on the stairs and broke his leg.  The doctor put a cast
on it and warned that he wasn't to use the stairs until the cast came
off.

Four months later he removed the cast and pronounced him well on the
way to recovery.

"Oh good," he responded.  "Is it all right for me to walk the stairs
now?"

"Yes," said the doctor, "if you will promise to be careful."

"I can't tell you what a relief it will be," he sighed.  "It was such
a nuisance crawling up and down on that drainpipe all the time!"
%
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.  "Would you like
bacon and eggs, perhaps?  A slice of toast?  Grapefruit and coffee to
follow?" she asks.

He declines.  "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge
off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something.  "A bowl of
homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines.  "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge
off my appetite."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.  She'll go to
the store and buy him some food.  Would he like maybe a steak and
apple pie?  Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved or a tasty stir-fry
that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines.  "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge
off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving."
%
A man asked his wife, "If I were disfigured, would you still love me?"

"Darling," she said calmly, "I'll always love you."

"How about if I became crippled and couldn't make love to you any
more?" the husband asked nervously.  "Don't worry, darling, I'll
always love you," his wife replied.

"Well," the man continued, "How about if I lost my vice president job?
If I weren't pulling in six figures any more, would you still love me
then?"

The woman looked over at her husband's worried face.  "Sweetheart, I
would always love you," she reassured him.  "And not only that, I would
really miss you."
%
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an
older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the
glamorous destinations around the world.  The agent had had a good
week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare
feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop, "I know that on your pension you could
never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous
resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight
tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.  They, as can be
expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said.  "I've
come to thank you.  But, one thing puzzled me.  Who was that old guy I
had to share the room with?"
%
* warning: tasteless

Q: Why is American beer served cold?
A: So you can distinguish it from urine.
%
Some tortoises were plying cards and ran out of beer, so they sent one
of their group to the store.  After waiting two days they became
impatient, "Tommy really is getting slow!" one complained.

"If you're going to talk about me," warned a voice from behind the
door, "I won't go!"
%
When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair
shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed
only to be cleaned.  Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings,
he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and
trying the job myself.  Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked,
"Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly.  "We
usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things
themselves first."
%
My wife went to her first College Algebra class with a brand spanking
new graphing calculator -- still in the box.  About 45 minutes into the
class it was time to start using the calculator.  She proudly took it
out of the box and began to perform the exercises.  However there was
one problem -- no matter what key she pressed, the display would not
clear.

After pressing nearly every key on the calculator, she gave the
calculator to another student who seemed to be doing really well and
asked, "Could you show me the key to clear the display?".  Without
smiling or saying a word the student peeled off the clear plastic
example display and handed the calculator back.
%
ARISTOCRAT: Who is that ugly woman who just came in? 

LORD NORTH: Oh, that is my wife.

ARISTOCRAT: Sir, I beg your pardon.  I do not mean her.  I mean that
shocking monster who is along with her.

LORD NORTH: That is my daughter.
%
Theorem: a cat has nine tails.

Proof:

No cat has eight tails.  A cat has one tail more than no cat.
Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
%
Two men are playing golf.  They play each week, and have a wager as to
who is going to win.  One week there are these two women at the hole
ahead of them, they're hitting the ball all over the place.  They have
no idea how to play.  They're just there having a good old time.  The
two men want to finish their game.  One of them decides to ask the
women if they can play through.  He goes up the hill, then comes back
down.  He tells his friend "I can't do it.  One's my wife, the other's
my mistress."

The other guy says "No problem, I understand."

So he goes up the hill.  He comes back down and says,
"Small world isn't it?"
%
Q: What's got four legs and an arm.
A: A happy Rottweiler.
%
At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was
demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software.  A
representative from the company was just about ready to start the
demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.

Just then someone in the back of the room yelled, "Format C: Return."

Someone else chimed in: "Yes, Return"

Unfortunately, the software worked.
%
The young father-to-be nervously paced back and forth in the waiting
room.  Minutes seemed to last hours to him.  Finally he approached
another FTB who appeared cool, calm and collective as he read the
waiting room magazines.

"You seem so, so, so knowing about this.  This isn't your first
child?"  the first man asked.

"Oh no!  My wife is having our sixth."

"Well, maybe you can answer a question I was too embarrassed to ask
the doctor.  How long after the baby comes can the mother have sex
again?"

"Well, that depends on a lot of things.  Most important is, is she in
a ward or private room?" answers the second.
%
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog you add one
minute to your life.  This enables you at 85 years old to spend an
additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
%
This bloke wakes up his wife during the night with a glass of water in
one hand and two aspirins in the other.

She asks, "What's this for?"

"It's for your headache."

"But I don't have a headache."

"Gotcha!"
%
* warning: diseased

What did the leper say to the prostitute?
"You can keep the tip."
%
* warning: ethnic references

An American tourist had visited all the usual sights.  He'd seen the
Sydney Harbor and everything else but he wanted to see the real
Australia.  So there he was on the weekly rail motor out to
Thargomindah.  There wasn't much to see.  There was a drought on it
was hot and the wind was blowing dust everywhere.  He got off the
train and made for the pub, sweating and cursing as he swatted in vain
at the clouds of files that buzzed around him.  The pub's only
customer a bloke in a blue singlet greeted him with a G'day.

The American ordered a beer.

"Yank eh?" quizzed the aussie.

"Sure am buddy" the Yank replied.

"Waddya think of this part of Australia, yank?" the bloke asked.

"It's the goddamn asshole of the world," the Yank replied.  There was
a five second pause as the local sucked on his smoke.

Then he asked: "You just passing through?"
%
The executive entrusted travel arrangements to his private secretary
for his trip to Paris.  She selected a fine hotel and told the manager
to be sure the room was prepared with special accommodations: food,
bar, flowers, etc. etc. etc.

    Upon arrival, the exec was ushered to his room.  In a suite
adjoining, with the doors open, sat 3 lovely young ladies.  The exec
asked who the ladies were.

    The manager bowed slightly and said, "They are the three
et ceteras requested by your secretary, Monsieur."
%
One cold December day, a tourist in decided to find out if the locals
were as cheap as he had heard.  He stopped at a farm cottage, told the
farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and
warm himself at the hearth.

Once inside the house, he complained of being thirsty.  The woman
handed him an enormous white crockery mug filled with milk. After
taking a big swig, the impulsive guest exclaimed, "This is sweet and
fresh...you are most generous!"

She replied modestly, "It's nothing. My family wouldn't drink that
milk because we found a dead rat in it."

Sick to his stomach, the tourist clapped both hands over his mouth,
allowing the huge mug to fall to the floor and shatter on the stone.

The woman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air, brought it
down on the visitor's head, and hollered, "Get out, you ungrateful
pig! I take you in my home, I let you share my fire, I give you milk
to drink... and now you repay my kindness by breaking the children's
potty!"
%
A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was
transferring him to Chicago.  He explained that he was going to quit
before he had to move there.  When asked why, he replied that he was
just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a
big salary increase and greater benefits.

His co worker said to reconsider.  Chicago was a magnificent city,
with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, close to
Canada, good public transportation, etc.

Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and
in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was
working."

The first asked "What did you do there?"

"I was tail-gunner on a bread truck".
%
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch.  The first case
involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't
true.

"I was sober as you are, your Honor," man claimed.

The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is
sentenced to 30 days."
%
While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant
for lunch.  The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table,
but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway.  By then,
they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to
turn around.

The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.

When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to
retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there, you
may as well get my hat, too."
%
I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle.  Whilst in the
lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a
cognac.  I was meeting with a very important client who was also
flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late.

Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr Gates and introduced
myself.  I explained to him that I was conducting some very important
business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick
"hello Peter" at me when I was with my client.  He kindly agreed.

Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap
on my shoulder.  It was Bill Gates.  I turned around and looked up at
him.  He said, "Hi Peter, what's happening?"  To which I replied,
"F*ck off Gates, Can't you see I'm in a meeting".
%
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant
woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever
seen.  He asked her about it.  "This is the Klopman diamond," she said.
"It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."
%
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.  Police
arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome
near spilled sewage.  A police spokesman said that the man admitted to
trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motorhome's
sewage tank by mistake.  The owner of the vehicle declined to press
charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
%
Television executives from Britain, Europe and the United States,
meeting in Edinburgh, Scotland, to debate the growing problem of fake
guests on the TV talk shows, discovered that one of the "expert"
panelists was herself a fake.  The woman, who was billed as a
researcher for the Jerry Springer Show, turned out to be an actress
hired to underscore the problem, an organizer told Reuters news
agency.
%
* warning: brutal

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of
a woman who was not happy to see them.  She told them in no uncertain
terms that she did not want to hear their message, and slammed the
door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced
back open.  She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed
the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the
door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a
lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again you
need to move your cat."
%
Every writer has received rejection slips; too many of them for most.
The "Financial Times" has quoted the "mother of all rejection slips",
translated from a Chinese economic journal.  It goes like this:

We have read your manuscript with boundless delight.  If we were to
publish your paper, it would be impossible for us to publish any work
of lower standard.  And as it is unthinkable that in the next thousand
years we shall see its equal, we are, to our regret, compelled to
return your divine composition, and to beg you a thousand times to
overlook our short sight and timidity.
%
The wife asked: "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"

The husband replied: "It cuts off my circulation."

"It's supposed to!"
%
        Upon returning to their car from a shopping tour,
one of the young ladies in the group realized she had forgotten
to stop at the pharmacy for her birth control pills.  She
rushed into the nearest pharmacy and handed her prescription
to the pharmacist who was behind the counter.  "Please fill this
immediately," she stated.  "I've got people waiting in the car!"
%
From Associated Press news on September 2, 2000

	Spielberg Imposter May Be Deported  
	FAIRFAX, Va. (AP) -- Jonathan Taylor Spielberg and Steven
Spielberg have one thing in common: a talent for fiction.  That talent
made Steven rich and famous.  It could get Jonathan Taylor
deported. He allegedly duped a Catholic high school into believing he
was the nephew of the famous filmmaker, and the Immigration and
Naturalization Service is seeking send him back to his native Iran.
Spielberg, 27, legally changed his name from Anoushirvan D. Fakhran in
1997.  In the fall of 1998 he enrolled at Paul VI Catholic High
School, claiming that he was 14 and that Steven Spielberg was his
uncle.
%
A drunk was in front of a judge.  The judge says 'You've been brought
here for drinking.'  

The drunk says 'Okay, let's get started.'
%
* warning: religious material

The blind man, deaf man and the lame man went on a pilgrimage to a
healing spring.

The blind man washed his eyes with water from the spring and exclaimed
"I can see!  I can see!"

The deaf man washed his ears with the spring water and exclaimed "I
can hear!  I can hear!'

The lame guy drove his wheelchair into the water and the other side
out "I got new tires!"
%
Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie
said unhappily, "Mom, do you realise some poor dumb animal suffered so
you could have that?"

The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie, how dare you talk about
your father like that!"
%
You have just received the Amish virus.  Because we don't have any
computers, or programming experience, this virus works on the honor
system.  Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually
forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.  Thank you for
your cooperation.

		The Amish Computer Engineering Department
%
"It's just to hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out
of the shower.  "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think
if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money."
%
      Two young men, who had just graduated from Harvard
were excited and talkative about their future plans as they
got into a taxi in downtown Boston.
      After hearing them for a couple of minutes the cab
driver asked, "Are you men Harvard graduates?"
      "Yes Sir!  Class of '99!" they answered proudly.
      The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their
hands, saying, "Class of '68."
%
         A boss was complaining in Monday's staff meeting that
he wasn't getting any respect.  The next day he arrived at work
with a small sign, reading, 'I'm the Boss,' and he taped the
sign to his office door.
         When he returned to the office from lunch, he found
someone had taped a message to the sign on his door.  It stated
        "Your wife called...she wants her sign back!"
%
People are giving birth underwater now.  They say it's less traumatic
for the baby because it's in water.  But it's certainly more traumatic
for the other people in the pool.
              -- Elayne Boosler
%
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to
test your dog's IQ.  Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the
video, your dog is smarter than you.
              -- Jay Leno
%
I have six locks on my door, all in a row, and when I go out I only
lock every other lock.  'Cause I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there, picks the locks, they're always locking three.
              -- Elayne Boosler
%
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor
bikes still parked out the front.  He goes round the back of the pub
only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the ass of the other.

"So what's going on here?" he asks.

The biker replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm
trying to make him vomit."

The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his
THROAT!"

The biker replies "That's what I'm going to do next!"
%
After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the
neighbour's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and
dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.

"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality
by playing doctor at their age," the neighbour said.

"Sexuality?!" the mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"
%
This 65 year old bloke gets married to a beautiful 25 year old girl.
After the ceremony, one of his oldest friends asks him, "How did you
get a girl like that to marry an old git like you?"

The old man smiles and replies, "Simple.  I told her that I was 95."
%
* warning: ethnic material

   An elderly Jewish couple in Florida were going out to dinner. The
woman comes out of the bedroom and says to her husband, "Darling, do
you want me to wear this Chanel suit or this Yves St. Lauren?"

   "Do I care?" he replied.

   The woman comes back out of the bedroom says to her husband,
"Darling, shall I wear my Cartier watch or my Patek Phillipe?"

   "Who gives a damn?" says the husband.

   The woman comes out of the bedroom again and says to her husband,
"Darling, shall I wear my 5 carat pear or my 6 caret round?"

   To which her husband responds, "Hey, if you don't get your act
together, and soon, we are going to miss the early bird special.
%
A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialed at random.  "Salvation
Army" came the answer.

"What do you do?"asked the man.

"We save wicked men and women," came the reply.

"Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night."
%
A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly
departed grandmother.

The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering and she begins moaning. 
Eventually, a voice comes, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds, "Grandma? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really you, Grandma?" the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman pauses, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"When did you learn to speak English?"
%
* warning: may be offensive to some social groups

"Dad, do you think that the American Indians were superior to the
white men who took this land from them?" asked the young boy.

"You bet," replied the father.  "When the Indians were the sole
occupants of this land, they had no taxes, no national debt, no
centralized government, no military draft, no foreign aid programs, no
banks, no stock markets, no nuclear weapons, and their women did all
the work.  What could be more superior to that?"
%
* warning: political figures involved

Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House.
Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up.  "Bill, Bill
wake up."

Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"

Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."

To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just
to tell me you have to go to the bathroom." 

Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
%
Two birds in a tree looking down on a man washing and polishing his car.

"If  he doesn't  hurry up and finish" says one bird to the other, "I'll
shit myself."
%
Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training
before his visit to Washington, DC (District of Columbia).  The
instructor told Mori, "Prime Minister, when you shake hands with
President Clinton, please say, 'How are you?'  Then Mr. Clinton should
say, 'I am fine, and you?' The you should say, 'Me too.'  Afterwards,
we translators will do all the work for you."

All this seems quite simple, but what actually happened was quite
different.  When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said, "Who are you?".
Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor
and say, "Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha, ha, ..."  Then Mori replied
confidently, "Me too, ha, ha, ha..."  There was a long moment of
silence in the meeting room.

%
        A husband and wife were at a party, chatting with
some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

        "Oh, we'll never need that.  My husband and I have
a great relationship," the wife explained.  "He was a
communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.
He communicates real well, and I just act like I'm listening."
%
A few George W. Bush quotes:

"The only thing I know about Slovakia is what I learned first-hand from
your foreign minister, who came to  Texas."
	-- To a Slovak journalist as quoted by Knight Ridder News
	   Service, June 22, 1999.  Bush's meeting was
	   with Janez Drnovsek, the prime minister of Slovenia.

"If the East Timorians decide to revolt, I'm sure I'll have a
statement."
	-- Quoted by Maureen Dowd in the New York Times, June 16, 1999

On Greece:
"Keep good relations with the Grecians."
	-- Quoted in the Economist, June 12, 1999.  (For those not
	   living in the United States, Grecian is a form of hair dye
	   for men.)

On Kosovars:
"Kosovians can move back in."
	-- CNN Inside Politics, April 9, 1999
%
Seems there were a pack of wild dogs that roamed a nice neighbourhood,
leaving huge piles of shit for all the neighbours to clean out of
their yards.  Everyone used shovels except this old guy at the end of
the street.  He just walked out with a mason jar and an eye dropper
and applied a small amount of liquid to the mounds and they would
always be gone by the afternoon, no matter how big.

One day one of the curious neighbours saw this wise old man coming out
of the market and just had to ask: "What is that magic liquid that you
use on those turds?"

"Bacon grease," replied the old man, "just bacon grease."
%
Joe, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one
night.  The Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject,
from pending bills to wardrobe decisions.  In addition, Joe had been
his closest friend.  So, it was understandable that the Governor
didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who
wanted Joe's job.  

"They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried,"
the Governor muttered.

At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's
side. "Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take
Joe's place?"

"Certainly," the governor replied.  "But you'd better hurry.  I think
the undertaker is almost finished."
%
Farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed.
He is asked what he is going to do with all the money.

"Oh, I guess the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills"

"And what about the rest?", the reporter asks.

Farmer shrugs.  "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait"
%
A knight and his men return to the castle after a long hard day of
battle.  "How fare ye?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been defeating the soldiers and
burning the towns of your enemies in the west all day on your behalf."

"What?!?" shrieks the king. "I don't *have* any enemies to the west!"

"Oh," says the knight.  "Well, you do now."
%
Late one night in Washington, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into
the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money!" he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this.  I'm a United
States Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!"
%
* warning: ethnic references

        McAbee arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the
terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.  An airline employee
asked him if he was already homesick.

        "No," replied McAbee.  "I've lost all me luggage!"

        "How'd that happen?"

        "The cork fell out."
%
* this is not a joke; news from Associated Press, October 12 2000

	WASHINGTON -- A federal telephone tax originally imposed to
finance the Spanish-American War would finally vanish a century after
that conflict ended under legislation given final approval today by
the Senate.  ``The war came to an end.  But Washington couldn't resist
holding on to the revenue,'' said Sen. William Roth, R-Del., chairman
of the Senate Finance Committee.  ``My sincere hope is that this is
the beginning of a long and successful trend.''  Repeal of the 3
percent excise tax levied on all types of telephone service was
included in an unrelated government spending bill sent to President
Clinton on a 58-37 Senate vote.  The president is expected to sign the
bill.
%
Suffering from a bad case of the flu, the outraged patient bellowed:
"Three weeks?  The doctor can't see me for three weeks?  I could well
be dead by then!"

"If so, would you have your wife call to cancel the appointment?"
%
"Open wider," requested the dentist, as he began his examination of
the patient.  "Good God!" he said startled.  "You've got the biggest
cavity I've ever seen -- the biggest cavity I've ever seen."

"OK Doc!" replied the patient.  "I'm scared enough without you saying
something like that twice."

"I didn't!" said the dentist.  "That was the echo -- the echo."
%
A man was driving to work in his car when a truck ran a stop sign, hit
him broadside and knocked him unconscious.

Strangers pulled the man from the wreckage and were able to revive him
just as the First Aid Squad arrived on the scene.  However, the
injured man started trashing his body back and forth, and the medics
had to sedate him.  When the man woke up, the paramedics wanted to
know why he struggled so much?

The man said, "I remember the impact, then I blacked out.  When I woke
up I was on a concrete slab in front of a large flashing 'Shell' gas
station sign, and someone was standing in front of the 'S'!"
%
In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to
explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time.

"For example," he said, "take the 1921 Miss America.  She stood five
ft., one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of
30-25-32.  How do you think she'd do in today's version of the
contest?"

The class fell silent for a moment.  Then one student piped up, "Not
very well."

"Why is that?" Asked the professor.

"For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be *way* too old!"
%
        A rich uncle died, and a line in his will read as follows:
 "I leave to my beloved nephew all the money he owes me."
%
Q. Why do all the elephants have grey trunks?
A. Because they all belong to the same swimming club.
%
        A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the
police.  The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed
him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband
any message if they found him.

        "Yes," she quickly replied.  "Tell him mother didn't come
after all."
%
     A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a
fairly regular basis.  After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you." she said politely.  "This may sound rather odd in this
day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said.  "But, it has my husband pretty
upset."
%
Moshe asks his wife, Sadie what she wants to celebrate their
wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new Mink Coat?" he asks.
 
"Not really," says Sadie.
 
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says Moshe.
 
"No," she responds.
 
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.
 
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
 
"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" Moshe asks.
 
"Moshe, I'd like a divorce," answers Sadie.
 
"Oy, I wasn't planning to spend that much!" says Moshe.
%
        A college graduate applied for a job as an industrial spy.
Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope
and told to take it to the fourth floor.

As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway
and opened the packet.  Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of
person.  Report to the fifth floor."
%
"So, what's the matter?" asked Rotunda.  "I thought you just got back
from a nice relaxing fishing trip with the old professor?"

"Oh, everything went wrong," says Mrs. Professor.  "First he said I
talked so loud I would scare the fish.  Then he said I was using the
wrong bait and then that I was reeling in too soon.

"All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse,"
lamented Mrs. Professor, I ended up catching the most fish!"
%
Math quiz:

A rich man dies and leaves an estate of twenty million dollars as
follows: One fifth of the amount is left to his wife, one-fifth to his
son, one-sixth to his servant, and the balance to charity.  What does
each get?

One student's answer: "A lawyer!"
%
A regular, we'll call him John, walks into a pub, looking miserable.
The barman starts pouring his usual, and John says, "No, not tonight
Charlie -- just a glass of milk."

"A glass of MILK?" replies Charlie.

John responds, "Well, my wife told me that if she catches me coming
home late and drunk after I've thrown up on myself one more time,
she'll divorce me!  And this time she means it.  I'm not a happy
bunny..."

"No problem!"  Charlie says as he continues to pour again.  "Do you
have a $20 note with you?"

John looks in his wallet and finds two tenners and a twenty. "Yeah, I
do."

"Tell you what," says the barman, "Drink as much as you like, and when
you get home, show her that $20 note and tell her puked on YOU, then
offered to pay for the shirt!"

"Good idea!" Says John, and starts knocking them back.

Later that night, when John gets home late, pissed, and having thrown
up on himself, his wife meets him at the door, screaming.  "For
CHRIST'S SAKE!  John -- what did I tell you?  That's it!  It's OVER!"

"No!  It wasn't me!  Some pissed bloke threw up on ME and gave me 20
quid to pay for my shirt!  Look!"

She grabs the money. "John, this is a $50 note."

"Well," John replies, "He pissed in my pants as well."
%
True Story:

While shopping in Sears one afternoon, I had both my daughters in tow.
I stopped to look at some lighting fixtures in the Electrical
Department, which was right across the aisle from the Plumbing
Department.  When I had finished, I noticed that my youngest wasn't
standing by my side any more.

To my horror, there she was, with her little panties pulled down,
sitting on one of the toilets in the Plumbing Department, doing number
1 AND number 2, smiling and waving at everyone going by and telling
them that she was "potty trained".

I was so embarrassed, that I left the store immediately and sent my
oldest daughter back in to get the youngest.
%
"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, "I was
disciplined by being sent to my room without supper.  But my son has
his own colour TV, phone, computer and CD player."

"So what do you do?" asked his friend.

"I send him to MY room!"
%
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing
shots of whiskey.  One of his friends happens to come into the bar and
sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing?  I've known you
for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before.
What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man
replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes,
smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore!"
%
A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation
stumbled across a secret room.  He sneaked away from the tour group
and explored the room.  He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. While
he wiped the dust off the lamp a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.

"For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish, what will it
be sire?"

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job, a
job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Allah Ka Zam!" said the genie. "You're a housewife!"
%
Some time ago the British magazine `New Statesman' had a humour
competition in which readers were asked to come up with a letter
complaining to the publisher of a sex manual, "relating to serious
injury sustained, damage inflicted, or frustration experienced, after
following the instructions contained therein."

Peter Norman won 15 pounds for this: 

Dear Sir, 

One knows that publishing standards are declining, but I have never
been so shocked and appalled by the number of misprints in a single
publication.  I refer, of course, to your "100 Easy Steps to Martial
(sic) Satisfaction".  Some of the advice therein is rendered
misleading, dangerous or even illegal by such errors.

For instance, on page 212, one is enjoined to `carefully place a
condor on your penis...'  Later, on the same page, we are told to
`stroke the beast, stimulating the erectile tissue at its tip', a
course of action that I fancy even trained falconers would eschew.
Elsewhere, my partner actually followed to the letter (pardon my
little joke) the instructions to `fondle your mans bills' (p39) and
`give him a long, slow message' (p128), both of which proved
positively anaphrodisiac.  And no one, surely, outside ancient
Carthage has `punic hair' (p56) or uses a `dido' (p337).  In chapter
1, the recommended `fissionary position' (p6) sounds a little
explosive for beginners...
%
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed
with another man.  "Get over it, buddy," he said.  "It's not the end
of the world."

"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy.  "But what if you
came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and
kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."
%
Chad nervously approached his girlfriend's father and said "Excuse me,
Mr. Scott, but there was something I wanted to ask you."

"Well, of course, young man!" the proud father replied. "You have my
full blessing.  My daughter's happiness is all I want."

"Blessing, sir?" Chad stammered.

"Yes, of course.  You want to marry my daughter, right?" Mr. Scott said.

"Uh, no sir, that's not it." said Chad.  "Actually, my car payment is
due, and I'm a little short until payday, and I wanted to know if I
could borrow fifty dollars until Friday."

"Heck no!" yelled Mr. Scott. "I hardly know you."
%
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the
doctor's office.  "We have come for an examination" said the young
girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your
clothes off."

"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
%
"Dear Santa" correspondence:

Dearest Santa, 
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
              Love, Marky

Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your
ass whipped at school.  Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a
low-rent apartment complex you're living in.  Thirdly, I get inside
your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
                Sweet Dreams!
                Santa
----------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas.  Iv ben a good boy all
yeer.
                    YeR FReND,
                    BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling.  You're on your way to being a career lawncare
specialist.  How 'bout I send you a freaking book so you can learn to
read and write?  I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at
least HE can spell!
                    Santa
----------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
                     Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
                Santa
------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck.  Please,
I really really want a fire truck this year!
                     Love, Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
                     Santa
------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
                     Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the
babysitter?  He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son!
Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
                     Santa
------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the backdoor.
                     Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face.
You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some
Toblerone.
                     Santa
------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year?  Are you making toys?
                    Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend
most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my
cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
                     Santa
------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE,
                     Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't
work up here.  You're getting a sweater again.
                     Santa
%
We always hold hands.  If I let go, she shops.
%
A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just
after arriving home from work.  As he was tuning into the evening
news, the phone rang.  The doctor calmly answered it and heard the
familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line:

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely.  "In fact, three
doctors are there already!"
%
        During the peak of the cold and virus season last winter, Doc
Peterson was giving a lot of penicillin shots.  Doc tacked the
following sign to the door of his office:

        "To Save Time, Please Back Into The Office."
%
This businessman is confused about a bill he's received, so he asks
his secretary for some mathematical help.

"If I were to give you twenty thousand pounds, minus 17.5%, how much
would you take off?" he asks her.

The secretary replies, "Everything but my earrings."
%
Actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:

* I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

* Gun wounds again?

* Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

* Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken

* Take my advice, or I'll spank you.

* This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure
you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on
the dessert floor for ants to eat.

* Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

* I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

* Beat him out of recognizable shape!

* I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

* Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

* The bullets inside are very hot.  Why do I feel so cold?

* How can you use my intestines as a gift?

* Greetings, large black person.  Let us not forget to form a team up
together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate
feets on some of the giant lizard persons.

* You always use violence.  I should've ordered glutinous rice
chicken.
%
Two executives working in the garment centre are having lunch
together.  One says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst
weeks of my entire life."

"What happened?"

"My wife and I went to Florida on vacation.  It rained for seven days
and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars
on the credit card.  I came back to New York and found out that my
brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions.  And,
to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found
my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!"

"You think you had a bad week?" responds the other.  "My week was even
worse!  I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for
seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands
on the credit card.  Then, when I got back to New York, I found out
that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for
millions.  And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday
morning, I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!"

"How can you say that your week was worse than mine?  It was
identical!"

"I manufacture men's garments..."
%
Two Essex girls were walking past a church.  One of them started to
read the gravestones.

"Great Jesus!" she said.  "This bloke was a hundred and sixty-eight!"

"Blimey! What was his name?" asked her friend.

"Miles, from London..."
%
Just before the Thanksgiving holiday, the teacher asked her
kindergarten class, "What do you have to be thankful for?"

        One youngster said, "I'm thankful I'm not a turkey!"
%
* sexist

A man was driving happily along in his car when he was pulled over by
the police.  The policeman approached him and asked, "Have you been
drinking, sir?"

"Why?" asked the man. "Was I all over the road?"

"No," replied the copper.  "You were driving splendidly.  It was that
ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that gave it away."
%
There were two friends, a white guy and a black guy.  One evening,
they were in a bar arguing over which of them could have sex the most
times in one night.  They decided to settle the issue by going to the
local whorehouse for the evening.  

So they got to the whorehouse, paired off with a couple of the ladies,
and went to their respective rooms.

The white guy energetically balled his whore and, reaching up with a
pencil, marked a line on the wall.  Then he fell asleep.  He woke up
in a couple of hours and screwed the whore again, albeit a little less
enthusiastically.  Again, he reached back and marked a line on the
wall.  Again, he fell asleep.  He woke up again in a couple of hours
and lethargically humped the hooker again.  He drowsily marked a third
line on the wall and fell asleep for the rest of the night.

The next morning, the black guy barged into the white guy's room to
see how he did.  He took one look at the wall and exclaimed, "A
hundred and eleven?  You beat me by three!"
%
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing
the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered.  "Her hands are just slightly smaller than
yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped
the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some tampons."
%
The head waiter of a five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust
as a man in muddy hip wader boots, frayed and torn jeans, dirty
leather jacket, long stringy dirty hair and a beard with flecks of
long-ago food marched right towards him.  

The man said, "Yo, bucko, where's your crapper?"

The head waiter calmly replied: "Go down the hall and turn left.  When
you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen', pay absolutely no attention to it
and go right inside."
%
A man went to his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to
cigars.  The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive
patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion
therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and
stick it completely up your butt.  Then remove it, rewrap it, and
place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can't tell
which one it is.  The aversion is obvious, you won't dare smoke any of
them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."

"Thanks doc, I'll try it."  And he did.  But three weeks later he came
back and saw the doctor again.

"What?  My recommendation didn't work?  It was supposed to be
effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"
answered the doctor.

"Well, it kind of worked, doc.  At least I was able to transfer my
addiction," replied the patient.

"What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor.

"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at
night unless I have a cigar shoved up my butt."
%
The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel.  The
operator, a magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and said,
"Why, hello, Teddy, how are you?"

A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when
the piqued bride demanded: "Who was that woman?!"

"Take it easy, honey," said the groom, "I'm going to have trouble
enough explaining you to her."
%
-I baked two kinds of cookies today.  Would you like to take your pick?
-No thanks.  I'll just use the hammer.
%
The boss called one of his employees into the office.  "Rob," he said,
"you've been with the company for a year.  You started off in the post
room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one
month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales
department.  Just four short months later, you were promoted to
vice-chairman.  Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take
over the company.  What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"'Thanks'?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"

"Thanks, Dad."
%
* warning: some medical anatomic terminology

A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available
urinal, between two elderly men.

He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two
streams.

"What the hell is that?" he asks.

"War wound.  I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa.  They were
able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes."

Then the guy looks to his right and sees... three streams.

"What the hell is that?"

"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes."

The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see... 12
streams!!

"War wound??"

"Naah, my zipper's stuck."
%
From Dave Barry's "Mr. Language Person":

Trudy McDaniel sent in the instructions for putting together an Ikea
desk, which state: "It is advisory to be two people during assembly."

Doug Gordon sent in the instructions for a set of Tama brand drums,
containing this warning: "Stay away from the drum set if an earthquake
occurs."

Dave Zarrow reports that he saw a sign making this appealing offer: "I
Lost 40 Lbs. In Two Months!  Call For Free Samples!"

Joe Bays sent in a glossy color brochure for the American Standard "Cadet
II" model commode, featuring the slogan: "Get more out of your toilet."
%
During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular
magic show.  After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of
the theatre yelled, "How'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, " But then I'd have to
kill you."

"Ok, then.  Just tell my wife!"
%
* some kind of warning here

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.
One day he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a
chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only
one line.  You walk on to the stage at the opening, carrying a rose.
You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff
the rose deeply and then say the line, 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my
mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled.  All day long, before the play, he's practicing his
line over and over again.

Finally, the time came.  The curtain went up, the actor walked onto
the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet
aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter, and the
director was steaming:

"You bloody fool!," he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened?  Did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director.  "You forgot the rose!"
%
A really huge, mean looking guy goes up to a department store counter
and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him.  The man repeats
himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the
clerk doesn't answer him.

Finally, the guy gets angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk,
"Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get
b-b-b-beat up?!"
%
   The man entered the florist shop and ordered a bouquet of flowers
to be delivered to his wife.  When asked what he wanted on the card,
he replied that no card was necessary as she'd know who they came
from.

   Shortly after the flowers were delivered, the florist received a
phone call from the wife asking who had sent the flowers.  The florist
told her that the sender requested no card be included.

   "Please, I've GOT to know WHO sent these flowers BEFORE my husband
comes home for lunch!"
%
        The orthopedic surgeon was moving to a new office, and
his staff was helping transport many of the items.  Office
Manager Sally placed the display skeleton in the front of her
car, with his bony arm across the back of her seat.
        Sally had to drive a distance across town and at one
traffic light she noticed people in the next lane staring in
her direction.  Sally yelled out, "I'm delivering him to my
doctor's office."
        The other driver leaned out of his window and said,
"I hate to tell you, lady, but I think it's too late!"
%
This guy comes home from an exhausting day at work and plops down on
the couch in front of the television.  "Quick, get me a beer before it
starts," he says to his wife.

His wife sighs and gets him a beer.

"Quick," he says fifteen minutes later, "get me another beer before it
starts."

She looks angry, fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer.  "Hey, get me another beer.  It's going to
start any minute."

She marches out, grabs a beer, and throws it at him.

"Hey, hurry," he says five minutes later.  "Get me another beer.  It's
gonna start now."

His wife is furious.  "Is that all you're going to do tonight?"  she
yells at him.  "Drink beer and sit in front of that TV?  You're
nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob!"

The man sighs.  "It's started..."
%
PROFESSION                             NAME
-------------------------------------------
Lawyer's daughter:                     Sue
Thief's son:                           Rob
Lawyer's son:                          Will
Doctor's son:                          Bill
Meteorologist's daughter:              Haley
Steam shovel operator's son:           Doug
Hair Stylist's son:                    Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son:              Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter:       Mary
Sound stage technician's son:          Mike
Hot-dog vendor's son:                  Frank
Gambler's daughter:                    Bette
Exercise guru's son:                   Jim
Cattle Thief's son:                    Russell
Painter's son:                         Art
Iron worker's son:                     Rusty
TV show star's daughter:               Emmy
Movie star's son:                      Oscar
Barber's son:                          Harry
%
"Stupid criminals" series

A 45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a
mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed
in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the
mechanic for an oil change.  According to the police, Brasher later
said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the
hood to change the oil.
%
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and
demanded cash.  The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order.  When the man ordered
onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.  The
man, frustrated, walked away.
%
David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I., after
allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest
four bags of money.  It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES,
weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway
so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
%
The Belgium news agency, Belga, reported in November that a man
suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have
done it, "because he was busy breaking into a school at the same
time."  Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
%
Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in
Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The
prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because of a "bulge"
in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said
Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in
court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge
discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he
required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
%
Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and
pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in
the dental clinic after hours.  But one day he said sadly, "Laura,
honey, we have to stop seeing each other.  Your husband's bound to get
suspicious."

"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him.  "Besides,
we've been screwing for six months now and he doesn't suspect a
thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"
%
Now she tells me she wants plastic surgery.  She got plastic surgery:
I cut up her credit cards.
%
A couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart only to have the vehicle
break down in the parking lot.  The man told his wife to carry on with
the shopping while he fixed the car.  The wife returned later to see a
small group of people near the car.  On closer inspection she saw a
pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.  Although the man
was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into
glaringly public ones.  Unable to stand the embarrassment she
dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place.  On
regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by.  The mechanic,
however, had to have three stitches in his head.
%
From Dave Barry's "2000 year in review":

Computer networks around the world are temporarily paralyzed by an
Internet virus called the ``Love Bug,'' which gets its name from the
fact that it causes computers to mate with other types of office
equipment.  It is eventually brought under control, but not before
spawning a host of Mister Coffee machines capable of playing
world-class chess.
%
A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking
cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.

"Hello," he said.  "Do you understand English?"

"Only a little," she answered.

"How much?" he asked.

"Fifty dollars," she replied.
%
If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few
weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom.  Most of
my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
%
The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of
their top spy hunters.

The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and
that he's somewhere in Ireland.  If you think you've located him, tell
him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the
morning.'  If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at
noon as well.'"

So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the
small towns.  He says to the bartender, "Maybe you can help me.  I'm
looking for a guy named Murphy."

The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific
because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy.  There's
Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block.  There's
Murphy the Banker, who's president of our local savings bank.  There's
Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of
fact, my name is Murphy, too."

Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code
words on the bartender, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for
mist in the morning."

The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Murphy the Spy. He
lives right down the street."
%
Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the
kitchen.  Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that
there outhouse."

Paw says, "All right, Maw."

Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there
ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."

Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"

Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the
problem!"

Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and he
hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the  hole."

Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww!  OWW!  Maw!  MAW, my
beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"

Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
%
A guy goes to a house of prostitution.  He selects a girl, pays her
$200 up front, and he gets undressed.  She's about to take off her
sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings!

She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her hand.  He quickly
grabs his clothes and runs out after her.  He's searching the
building, but the smoke gets too heavy, so he runs outside looking for
her.

By this time, the firemen are there.  He sees one of them and asks,
"Did you see a beautiful blonde, in a sheer blue negligee, with $200
in her hand?"

The fireman says, "No!"

The guy then says, "Well if you see her, screw her.  It's paid
for."
%
"Can you explain to me, how this lipstick got on your collar?" the
suspicious wife sneered.

"No, I can't," the husband replied, "I distinctly remember taking my
shirt off."
%
"Oh darling, I missed you!" she cried, as she fired again.
%
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier.  With considerable
bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of
fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier.  In a hail of
bullets, he dove back to safety.

"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal.  You
risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses!?" the private shouted.  "I thought you said whorehouses!"
%
In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing
moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of
foreign trips.  Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs.
Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.

Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an
uphill task.  To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor
would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You"
tossed in for good measure.  Looking around her elegant surroundings,
she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.  "Thank you," he
said.  "Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.  "Yes."  "Was the old palace
just so old that it was falling down?" asked the intrepid visitor.  In
his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied: "No, I'm
afraid that you bombed it."  Mrs. Bush turned to her other
lunchpartner.
%
        A man drove his secretary home from a late afternoon
get-together of coworkers because she was drunk and unable to unable
to drive.  Since nothing happened along the way between the two, the
man decided not to mention the secretary to his wife.

        Later that evening while the man was taking the wife to a
movie, he noticed a high-heeled shoe under the passenger seat.  So, he
asked her to watch out her window for a parking spot close to the
theater.  While she was busy looking, he picked up the shoe and tossed
it out of his window.

        When they arrived at the theater and were about ready to get
out of the car, his wife asked, "Sweetie, have you seen my other
shoe?"
%
What do you call it when 150 white guys are chasing one black guy?
The PGA (Professional Golf Association).
%
Sign: Please do not throw cigarette buts in this urinal: it makes them
soggy and hard to light.
%
-Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed
that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting
modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had
operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.  In addition, Husband 1.0
uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but
installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system.  I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but
to no avail.

Desperate

---
Dear Desperate, Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment
package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.  Try to enter the
command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0
should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers
7.0.  But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to
GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.  Beer 6.1 is a very bad
program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files.

DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.  In
summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.  Consider buying
additional software to improve performance.  I personally recommend
HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.

Tech Support
%
Three blondes had just bought a can of One Calorie Cola and were
anxious to try it for the first time.  So the first blonde opens the
can, the second blonde pours it into three glasses.  The third blonde
eyes the three glasses suspiciously and says "I wonder which one has
the calorie?"
%
Q: Why did Robin Hood rob the rich?
A: Because the poor have no money.
%
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you
don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the
office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she
was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates
arrived.

Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she
exclaimed.  "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my
life!"
%
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.  
A pessimist fears that this is true.
%
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel
drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake
Jeep?"
%
There was artist who worked from a studio in his home.  He specialized
in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a
masterpiece for several months now.

His model showed up and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small
talk, she began to undress for the day's work.

He told her not to bother, since he felt pretty bad with a cold he had
been fighting.  He added that he would pay her for the day, but that
she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to
bed.

The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you.  It's the least I
can do."

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too.  They were sitting in
the living room exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he
heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your
clothes off!"
%
One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing.  Jim slices his ball deep
into a wooded ravine.  He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the
embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he
spots something shiny.  As he gets closer, he realises that the shiny
object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an
old golf ball.  Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner:

"Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out "What's
the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back in a nervous voice "Throw me my 7-iron!  You can't get
out of here with an 8-iron."
%
*warning: ethnic references

This lion in London Zoo is lying in the sun licking its arse.  A
watching visitor turns to the lion's keeper and says, "That's a docile
old thing, isn't it?"

"Not at all," replies the keeper, "It's the most ferocious beast in
the Zoo.  Why just an hour ago it dragged a Welsh tourist into the
cage and completely devoured him."

"Hardly seems possible," says the astonished visitor.  "So why is it
lying there licking its arse?"

"The poor thing is just trying to get the taste out of its mouth."
%
British Foreign Minister George Brown was at a state dinner in Vienna
in 1966.  He had enjoyed his wine, and upon hearing the orchestra
strike up a tune, turned to an exquisite creature in violet beside him
and said, "Madame, you look ravishing.  May we dance?"

The exquisite creature in violet turned to him and said, in perfect
English, "No, Mr. Brown, for three reasons.  Firstly, this is a state
dinner, not a ball.  Secondly, were this a ball and not a state
dinner, this would still be the Austrian state anthem, and not a
waltz.  And thirdly, were this a ball and not a state dinner, and were
that a waltz and not the Austrian state anthem, I would still be the
Cardinal Archbishop of Vienna."
%
When I was younger I hated going to weddings; it seemed that all of my
aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in
the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'  They stopped that
shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
%
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local
motor-vehicle bureau was packed.  The line inched along for almost an
hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was
standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this
picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely.  "It's okay," he reassured the
man: "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over
anyway."
%
My girlfriend wants to try the missionary position: she on top, me in
Africa.
%
The masochist cried, "Oh, hurt me, pinch me, humiliate me.  Please
cause me pain!"

The sadist looked at him and said, "No way, man."
%
* warning: sexual material

Pinnochio's girlfriend complained that he was giving her splinters
during their love-making.

He went to the carpenter who made him and asked what he could do about
it.  "Sandpaper my boy," the old carpenter said.  "Use some
sandpaper."

A couple of weeks later the carpenter saw Pinnochio again and asked,
"So how are you getting on with the girls now, Pinoke?"

"Girls?  Who needs girls?"
%
A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was
crossing the road.  The driver went to the owner of the calf and
explained what had happened.  He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher.  "But in six years it would
have been worth $900.  So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the
farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900.  It's post-dated six years
from now."
%
A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back seat. They
make love, but the girl wants it again and the guy complies.  She
wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says
"Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself."

        While out of the car he notices a man half a block away
changing a flat.  He asks the man "Look, I've got this gal in my car
and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more.
I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."

        So that's what the man does and he is just getting in the high
numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.
The cop asks "What are you doing in there?"  

The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."  

The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?" 

"To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined
the light."
%
At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive
girl.  Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her
outrageously.  The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit
aback by his fast and ardent pitch.  She was amazed when after 30
minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said.  "We only met a half hour ago.  How can you be so
sure? We know nothing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young man declared.  "For the past 5 years I've
been working in the bank where your father has his account.
%
* warning somewhat stupid cultural references

Tony Blair opens a new wing to an Edinburgh hospital.  After cutting
the ribbon, the British prime minister tours a ward, filled with
patients who seem to have no obvious injury.  He greets a bearded
chap, who replies:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e'the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm: Weel are ye
wordy o'a grace.  As lang's my arm."

Blair -- somewhat confused -- nods, grins and moves on to the next
patient, to ask how he's getting along.  The man shakes his head and
mutters:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we
hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit."

Blair turns to a third patient, an older man in a tam, who cries:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy
breastie!  Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle! I
wad be laith to rin an chase thee, Wi murdering pattle!"

Sweating bullets, Blair turns to the senior doctor accompanying
him. "What sort of ward is this?" he whispers. "Are they psychiatric
patients?"

"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."
%
Two secretaries were talking about their work. "I hate filing," said
one.  "No matter how careful I am, I can never find the papers I'm
looking for.  I forget where I have filed them."

"I used to have that problem too, but no more," her blonde friend
said.  "Now I make 26 copies of everything I type and file one under
each letter of the alphabet.  That way, I can't miss it!"
%
Lawyer: "Now would you please tell the Jury the truth: why did you
shoot your husband with bow and arrow?"

Defendant: "I didn't want to wake up the children."
%
Asked by his teacher to spell "straight," the third-grade boy
did so without error.

"Now," said the teacher, "what does it mean?"

"Without water."
%
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop
and sit at a Palm Reader's table.

Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your
love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and
said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted.  "That's amazing. Can you tell all of
this from my love line?"

"Love line?  No, from the calluses."
%
In October, the Indians asked their Chief if the coming winter was
going to be cold or not.  Not really knowing the answer, the chief
replied that the winter will be cold and that the members of the
village should collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to a phone booth, called the
National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter is indeed going to be
very cold."

So the Chief went back to encourage his people to collect even more
wood to be prepared.  A week later he called the National Weather
Service again, and asked again, "Is it going to be a very cold
winter?"

"Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief went back to his people and ordered them to go out and bring
back every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you
absolutely sure that this winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like
crazy!"
%
Two mothers met for coffee.

"Well Ruthie, how are the kids?"

"To tell you the truth, my Abie has married a slut!  She doesn't get
out of bed until 11.  She's out all day spending his money on Heaven
knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot
dinner for him?  Psha!  She makes him take her out to dinner at an
expensive restaurant."

"And Esther?"

"Ah!  Esther has married a saint.  He brings her breakfast in bed, he
gives her enough money to buy all she needs, and in the evening he
takes her out to dinner at a nice smart restaurant."
%
* warning: some sexual material

This Israeli stud is out picking up chicks in Tel Aviv one night.
While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract a blonde hottie.

So they're back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it.  Proud
of his rugged background and years in the IDF, he forces himself to
last as long as possible.  He climaxes loudly.  Then he rolls over,
lights up a cigarette and asks her, "So ... you finish?"

After a slight pause she replies, "No."

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on
top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even
longer than the last ... and this time completing the deed with even
louder shouts.

Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, "So... you finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she simply says, "No."

Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once
again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour.  This
time, with all the strength he can muster up, he barely manages to end
the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy are spent.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette ... lights it
again, and then asks, "So ... you finish?"

To which her reply is, "NO!  I'm Swedish."
%
The guy walked into the bar looking like he'd been run over by a
truck.  His hair was matted, his face bloody and scratched, his
clothes torn.  His friends bought him a beer, then asked, "What
happened?"

The guy chugged the beer and said, "I was fighting for Joanne's
virginity."

"No kidding?"

"Yeah.  But that little tiger was determined to keep it."
%
A guy walks into a brothel and tells the madam he wants a girl for
the evening.  The next morning the madam informs the gentleman that
there will be no charge.  Very happy, he leaves.

A few days later he returns, and tells the madam that he would
like six girls for the evening.  In the morning the madam presents him
with a bill for 1,000.  Confused the man asks, "I don' t understand,
on Tuesday it was free."

"That's right," replies the madam, "but on Tuesdays we're on the
Internet."
%
Officer Patrick McGuire of the New York City Police Department answers
a call on his radio and reports to the scene of a car accident in the
Queens-Midtown Tunnel.  Officer McGuire notes that a new Buick had its
front end merged with the rear end of a Chrysler.

The driver of the Buick was Father Francis O'Boyle; the driver of the
Chrysler was Rabbi Isaac Goldstein.  After Officer McGuire verifies
that Rabbi Goldstein has suffered no physical injuries in the
accident, he walks back to survey the damages to each vehicle.

Then, Officer McGuire walks over to Father O'Boyle and asks him: "Tell
me, Father, just how fast was that Rabbi going when he backed into
you?"
%
Stascz and Janos went for a walk in the countryside.  After a while,
Stascz had to answer a call of nature.  Spying an outhouse, he excused
himself.

Janos waited for Stascz, and waited, and waited.  Finally, he looked
inside and saw Stascz stirring around in the outhouse muck with a
stick.

"Stascz, what the hell are you doing, stirring in the shit?"  he
yells.

"I dropped my jacket down the hole," he complains.  "It's the one my
momma gave me."

Janos shakes his head.  "You're crazy--you not gonna wear that thing
now, are you?"

"Hell no," Stascz assures him, "but there's a baloney sandwich in one
of the pockets!"
%
* this is a real quote from the scsh (Scheme Shell) manual:

Acknowledgements

Who should I thank?  My so-called "colleagues," who laugh at me behind
my back, all the while becoming famous on *my* work?  My worthless
graduate students, whose computer skills appear to be limited to
downloading bitmaps off of netnews?  My parents, who are still waiting
for me to quit "fooling around with computers," go to med school, and
become a radiologist?  My department chairman, a manager who gives one
new insight into and sympathy for disgruntled postal workers?

My God, no one could blame me--no one!--if I went off the edge and
just lost it completely one day.  I couldn't get through the day as it
is without the Prozac and Jack Daniels I keep on the shelf, behind my
Tops-20 JSYS manuals.  I start getting the shakes real bad around
10am, right before my advisor meetings.  A 10 oz. Jack 'n Zac helps me
get through the meetings without one of my students winding up with
his severed head in a bowling-ball bag.  They look at me funny; they
think I twitch a lot.  I'm not twitching.  I'm controlling my impulse
to snag my 9mm Sig-Sauer out from my day-pack and make a few strong
points about the quality of undergraduate education in Amerika.

If I thought anyone cared, if I thought anyone would even be reading
this, I'd probably make an effort to keep up appearances until the
last possible moment.  But no one does, and no one will.  So I can
pretty much say exactly what I think.

Oh, yes, the *acknowledgements.*  I think not.  I did it.  I did it
all, by myself.

Olin Shivers
Cambridge
September 4, 1994
%
* maybe you don't think this is funny; that's ok with me

Little Maggie burned her house down one afternoon, playing with matches.

"Are you going to get it when your father comes home!" said her mother.

Little Maggie just laughed and laughed, because she'd known all along
that her father was tired and came home early to take a nap.
%
A woman was sitting in the doctor's office when he came in and said,"
Mrs.Jones, this isn't a urine sample you brought in.  It's apple
juice."

"Oh my god" she said.  "I've got to get to a phone."

"Why?" asked the doctor.

"I have packed the other bottle in my husbands lunch box."
%
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
                -- H. L. Mencken
%
The doctor approached the husband who was in the waiting room
while his wife was being examined.

The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news."

"What's the bad news?"

"Your wife has syphilis."

The husband exclaimed, "What could possibly be 'good news' with a
situation like that?"

The doctor replied, "She didn't get it from you."
%
        A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for an
assignment.  Upon arrival, the sergeant said, "We have a
critical shortage of typists."  Handing the soldier an article
to copy and a blank sheet of paper, the sergeant said, "Type
this," and pointed to a desk across the room containing office
equipment (typewriter, adding machine, fax machine, etc.)
        Since the sergeant didn't really want to become a clerk
typist, he typed very slowly (sort of hunt and peck method),
making sure the completed article contained lots of errors.
        After a brief glance, the sergeant said, "That's fine.
Report for duty at 7 a.m. tomorrow."
        "But, sir, aren't you going to check the test?" questioned
the soldier.
        The sergeant smiled, saying, "You passed the test when you
sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."
%
1st Woman 'What did your husband say about you
           crashing the car?'
2nd Woman 'Shall I leave out all the swear words?'
1st Woman 'Yes, Please do'
2nd Woman 'Absolutely nothing'
%
A tourist from the United States of America is at a restaurant in
Havana.  He tells the waiter that the USA is the best country in the
world because of the freedoms it has.

He says, "Take Freedom of Speech for example.  I could stand in front
of the White House in Washington D.C. and yell 'President Bush is a
bastard!' and nothing would be done to me."

The Cuban waiter replies, "We have that same freedom in Cuba.  I could
stand in front of El Capital and yell the same thing and nothing would
be done to me either!"
%
David was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and
sister-in-law barged in holding their new-born baby.  "Stop! You can't
do this!" exclaimed the brother.

"And why not?" asked David.

"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday?  Like my wife and I
have here?"  David said nothing.

The brother grew impatient, "C'mon David, I want a nephew.  David,
make me an uncle."

David couldn't take it anymore.  He gave his sister-in-law an
apologetic look and asked his brother, "You're sure you want a
nephew?"

"Yes," the brother replied.  "It would be an honour."

"Well congratulations, you're holding him.
%
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy.  You set yourselves apart too much.  Look
at me...  I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood,
and some Swedish blood.  What do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied, with a smile, "Very sporting of your Mother."
%
A young man excitedly tells his mother he has fallen in love and is
going to get married.  He says to his mother, "Just for fun, Ma,
tomorrow I'm going to bring three women to your house to meet you, and
you can try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

Of course, she agrees.  The next day he brings three beautiful women
into his mother's house and sits them all down on her couch.  They
chat for a while with the mother, who serves them coffee and pastries.
That evening, after the three women have left, the son says, "Okay,
Ma.  Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The redhead."  

"That's amazing, Ma.  You're right.  How did you know?" 

"I don't like her."
%
Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me
obtain a divorce.  My husband is getting a little queer to sleep
with."

"What do you mean?" asked the attorney.  "Does he force you to indulge
in unusual sex practices?"

"No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little
queer."
%
        The man entered the store and walked over to the
perfume counter.  He told the clerk that he'd like to purchase
a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.
        "A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.
        "You bet," answered the customer.  "She's expecting
a cruise."
%
These two blokes, who for the sake of argument we'll call Soggy and
Jim, are sitting in a pub talking about women.

"So," says Jim, "How's it going with the ladies?"

"To me," replies Soggy, "Women are nothing but sex objects."

"Really?"

"Yep.  Whenever I mention sex, they object."
%
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled the motorist as the
police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic fine.

"Keep it," the clerk advised.  "When you get four of them,
you get a bicycle."
%
A real estate salesman had just closed his first deal, only to
discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under
water.

"That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his
boss.  "Should I give him his money back?"

"Money back?" roared the boss.  "What kind of salesman are you?  Get out
there and sell him a houseboat."
%
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around
and returned to the gate.  After an hour long wait, it finally took
off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the
problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he
explained.  "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."
%
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw his wife flailing about in
the deep water.  Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help.
A trout fisherman ran up.

The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim.  Please save her.
I"ll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water.  In ten powerful strokes, he
reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay,
where's my hundred?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I
thought it was my wife.  But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck.  How
much do I owe you?"
%
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after
exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A
man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

 - "Hello?"

 - "Honey, It's me.  Are you at the club?"

 - "Yes."

 - "Great!  I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are.  I saw a
beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!!  Can I buy it?"

 - "What's the price?"

 - "Only $4,500.00"

 - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it , if you like it that much..."

 - "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the
2001 models.  I saw one I really liked.  I spoke with the salesman
and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange
the BMW that we bought last year..."

 - "What price did he quote you?"

 - "Only $60,000..."

 - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

 - "Great! Before we hang up, something else..."

 - "What?"

 - "I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the
house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!!  Remember?
The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront
property..."

 - "How much are they asking?"

 - "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have
that much in the bank to cover it..."

 - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000.  OK?"

 - "OK, sweetie... Thanks!  I'll see you later!!  I love you!!!"

 - "Bye... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand
while holding the phone and asks all those present:

    "Does anyone know who the hell this phone belongs to?"
%
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled
up, cat put out, etc.  The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out,
the cat shoots back in.  They don't want the cat shut in the house, so
the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase
the cat out.  The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be
empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say
goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.  "Sorry I took so
long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to
poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
%
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we
are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering
payment.  But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in
my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then
added, "May I see that prescription I just gave you?  I'd like to make
a little change."
%
* warning: requires some anecdotal history knowledge

Abraham Lincoln's To-Do List:

done    1. Free the slaves

done    2. Think of a fancy way to say "eighty-seven years ago."

        3. Beef up security at Ford's Theatre.
%
Some bumper-stickers:

Fill out one simple form to win a tax audit!

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Don't Steal!  The Government hates competition.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
%
* warning: religious material

Four young novice nuns were about to take their vows, dressed in their
white gowns.  They came into the chapel where the mother superior was
waiting for them for the ceremony to marry them to God.  In front of
them on the table were the four wedding rings.

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic men with their
yarmulkes, payis and long beards came in and sat silently in the front
row.

Somewhat taken aback, the mother superior said to them, "I am honored
that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind
if I ask you why you came?"

"We're from the groom's side".
%
I went on a job interview the other day.  Now I'm not really looking
for another job, but it doesn't hurt to see what's out there.  I saw a
great one in the paper with much higher pay then what I was getting.
However, I wasn't really qualified but I decided to apply anyway.  A
week later, I became very excited when I was called in for an
interview.

Realising that I didn't submit a resume when I filled out the
application, I brought a copy with me to the interview.  My
prospective employer asked a few questions then read through my
resume.  After a few anxious moments as I sat in silence waiting for
him to finish reading, he put down my resume.

He looked up at me and said, "We have an opening for someone like
you."

"Really?" I replied excitedly.  "What is it?"

"It's called the door!"
%
A well dressed man approached a voluptuously beautiful young woman on
the street and said, "Would you have sex with me for a million
dollars?"

"For a MILLION dollars?!" she replied, more than a little stunned, "Of
course I would!"

"Well, would you sleep with me for twenty five dollars?"

"Twenty five dollars?  Don't be ridiculous!  What kind of girl do you
take me for, anyway?"

"We've already established what kind of girl you are; now we're just
haggling over price."
%
It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their
son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.

"Let's try to make this look natural," she said.  "Junior, put your
arm around your dad's shoulder."

The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him
put his hand on my wallet?"
%
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus
shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls.

As he gets up, Little Johnny, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If
you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't
slip."

The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven
years ago, I would have a seat today."
%
An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a
reporter went up to him.  "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"

The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM
I have a glass of port.  Good for the heart I've heard."

The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"

The man smiled, "That, and cancelling my voyage on Titanic."
%
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour,
and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short.  You usually talk for two
hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.
%
A bloke went to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his arse.
He told the doctor that he was a little concerned.

Upon examination the doctor turned to his patient and said, "It's worse than
I originally thought.  That's just the tip of the iceberg.""
%
My girlfriend always laughs during sex no matter what she's reading."
 --Emo Philips
%
A man had a terrible accident.  His manhood was mangled and torn from
his body.  The doctor reassured him that modern medicine made it
possible for his manhood to be rebuilt, but insurance didn't cover the
expense; it was considered "cosmetic."

The doctor then gave the man three choices --
small for $3,500
medium for $6,500
large for $14,000.

The man was sure he'd want a medium or large.

The doctor suggested that he discuss it with his wife privately before
a final decision was made.  The doctor left the room and while he was
gone the man called his wife and told her their options.
The doctor returned and found the man looking very sad.

"Did you make a decision?" the doctor asked.

"Yes," said the man.  "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
%
Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.

"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.

"What for?" asked his colleague.

"About $6,000."

"What did he have?"

"About $6,000."
%
Albert Einstein discovered the ``Theory of Relativity,'' which states
that time and space are relative, which explains why time goes slower,
and space gets smaller, when you are with your relatives.
			-- Dave Barry
%
     This country is so full of opportunity.  I mean where else can
a wife hire a woman to do her housework so she can volunteer at the
Day Care Center where the cleaning woman leaves her child.
%
Erick sat at the bar totally dejected.  The bartender served him his
second drink and said, "What's wrong pal?"

"I'll never understand women."  Erick said.  "The other night my wife
threw me a birthday party.  She told me that later on, as her gift to
me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."

"Wow!" said the bartender.  "But why so unhappy?  That sounds like
quite a gift to me."

"Well..." Erick went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to her
Mother.  Now she won't even speak to me."
%
"Honesty is the key to a relationship.  If you can fake that, you're in."
 --Rich Jeni
%
It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska.  Pat is drinking at
his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a
bit on your tab."

"Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."

"That's okay," says the bartender.  "I'll just write your name and the
amount you owe me right here on the wall."

"But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."

"They won't," says the bartender.  "I'll just hang your parka over it
until it's paid."
%
You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"

He replied, "I'm going to be a father."

"But that's wonderful," I said.

"What's wonderful?  My wife doesn't know about it yet."
%
Michael Johnson, the Olympic Gold Medal runner, was on his way to a
club with some friends.

At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said "Sorry, mate, you
can't come in here - no denim."

Michael was quite annoyed at this and retorted, "Don't you know who I
am?  I'm Michael Johnson."

"Then it won't take you long to run home and change, will it?"
%
* warning: poetry

I love my Job

       I love my Job, I love the Pay!
       I love it more and more each day.
       I love my Boss; he's the best!
       I love his boss and all the rest.

       I love my Office and its location -
       I hate to have to go on vacation.
       I love my furniture, drab and gray,
       and the paper that piles up every day!

       I love my chair in my padded Cell!
       There's nothing else I love so well.
       I love to work among my Peers -
       I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

       I love my Computer and all its Software;
       I hug it often though it doesn't care...
       I love each Program and every File,
       I try to understand once in a while!!

       I'm happy to be here, I am I am;
       I'm the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam.
       I love this Work:I love these Chores.
       I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.

       I love my Job - I'll say it again -
       I even love these friendly Men -
       These men who've come to visit today
       In lovely white coats to take me away.
%
Jill became so mad when she was golfing yesterday, that she threw her
brand new set of golf clubs into the lake.

A few minutes later she came back, waded into the lake, and retrieved
her clubs.

She proceeded to take her car keys out of the bag -- then threw the
clubs back into the water.
%
Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time,
but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any
housework.  That, he declared, was woman's work.

But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children
bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the
dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with
flowers.

She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going
on.  It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine
article that suggested working wives would be more romantically
inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework
in addition to holding down a full-time job.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office.
"How did it work out?" they asked.

"Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said.  "Charley even cleaned up,
helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put
everything away."

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.

"It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."
%
* warning: direct

During the wedding reception in the family mansion, the Grandfather
of the bride slipped her five one hundred dollar bills which she hid in
her glove, since he told her to keep it for "mad money".

By tradition, the couple spent their first night together in the family's
historic house. The bride's Grandmother saw her sneaking down
the stairs later that night, and asked where she was going. "I left
my gloves in the library, Grand-Mama, and it's important that I have
them." "Oh you youngsters !" the Grandmother sighed. "You march
yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that damn thing with
your bare hands just as I had to do with your Grandfather's."
%
A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following
exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's licence?

Driver: I don't have one.  I had it suspended when I went got my 3rd
drink-driving ban.

Officer: I see sir, well may I see the log book for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the log
book in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the
woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.

Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Superintendent.  The
car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Superintendent
approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Superintendent: Sir, can I see your licence?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.  (It was valid.)

Superintendent: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer.  Here's the log book.

Superintendent: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if
there's a gun in it?

Driver:Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Superintendent: Would you mind opening your boot?  I was told you said
there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Boot is opened; no body.

Superintendent: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you
said you told him you didn't have a licence, stole the car, had a gun
in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the boot.

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding,
too.
%
Little Johnny went to the Doctor to get a vaccination.  After the
shot, the Doc pulled out a Band-Aid and started to cover the spot on
his arm.  Johnny asked him to put it on the other arm.

"But, I put it over where you got the shot to let others know that
it's tender and they shouldn't touch it, "replied the Doc.

"You really don't know much about little boys, do you?"
%
The state trooper was driving down the highway when, much to his
surprise, he saw a truck driver pull over, the driver got out of the
cab and walked to the side of his truck with a crowbar, bang on the
side of truck several times, then get back into the cab and continue
on down the highway.  Two miles down the road the trucker repeated the
procedure, then did it again two miles farther on down.  Though the
driver had not broken any laws, the patrolman's curiosity got the best
of him; he pulled the man over and asked him to explain.

"I'm hauling live parakeets." said the driver.

"So what does that have to do with pulling over on the side of the
road and whacking the side of your truck with a crowbar?" said the
trooper.

"Well," said the truck driver, "My load limit is two tons, and there
are four tons of live parakeets in the back of the truck.  If I don't
keep half of them airborne, I'm in trouble".
%
Ed and Ted went to the fair.  They came across a small crowd gathered
around a stall and went over to take a look.

"What's going on?" Ed asked one of the crowd.

"We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he
said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine.  "No body has managed
to stay on for the full three minutes yet.  And there's a prize of
$100 for anybody who can.

"I can do that," Ed said confidently.

"You can't," said Ted.

"Bloody well can," said Ed.

"You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that bugger," said
Ted.

"Watch this," said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in
circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back.  After two
minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until
Ed was a blur.  But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the
machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small
crowd.  He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted.

"Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that?"  Ted
asked.

"Remember three months ago," Ed said, "When my wife had whooping
cough?"
%
A wild-eyed man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right
hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously
exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."

"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch and
tell me your problem."

"I don't have any problem," the man snapped.  "In fact, as Emperor of
France I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power --
everything!  But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental
trouble."

"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient.  "And
what seems to be her main problem?"

"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's
Mrs. Schwartz."
%
For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfil a
lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn.  He hired a guide and just as
they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of
brandy tied under its chin.

"Hooray!" shouted the guide.  "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Yeah," said the Irishman.  "An' look at the size of the dog that's
bringin' it.
%
* warning: religions and races involved

The NAACP sent an agent to Alabama to check the progress in
integration of churches.  After a few weeks of checking around, he
called head-quarters to file his report.

"How about the Catholics?" asks his boss.

"The Catholics are doing okay; they got the right idea."

"What about the Methodists?"

"They've come a long way," says the agent.  "They're doing
just fine."

"And the Baptists?" asks the boss.

"I just want to know one thing," he says... "When they baptise you,
how long are they supposed to hold you under the water?"
%
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night,
his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.  Rushing back in, they
found him crying hysterically.  He managed to tell them that he had
swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.  No amount of
talking helped.  His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a
penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear.
Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then
cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"
%
* warning: long and ethnic

        Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street
one day, wishing something wonderful would happen to his life, when he
passed a Pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in
Yiddish:

        "Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah, you...outside, standing like
a schmuck...eh?"

        Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears.  He couldn't believe it!  The
proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve.
"Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot."

        Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little
head and said: "Vus?  Kenst reddin Yiddish?"

        Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner.  "He speaks
Yiddish?"

        "What did you expect?  Chinese maybe?"

        In a matter of moments Meyer had placed five hundred dollars
down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him.
All night long he talked with the parrot in Yiddish.  He told the
parrot about his father's adventures coming to America; about how
beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride; about his family;
about his years of working in the garment industry; and about sunny
Florida.

        The parrot listened and commented while sharing some walnuts.
The parrot told him of living in the pet store and how he hated the
weekends.  They both went to sleep.

        Next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers.  The parrot
demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the
parrot wanted to pray too.  Meyer hand-made a miniature yamulke
[skullcap] for the parrot.  The parrot wanted to learn to read Hebrew
so Meyer spent months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him
Torah.  Before long Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a
friend and a Jew.  He was lonely no more.

        On Rosh Hashona, Meyer rose, got dressed, and was about to
leave when the parrot demanded to go with him.  Meyer explained that a
synagogue was not a place for a bird, but the parrot pleaded and was
carried to the synagogue on Meyer's shoulder.

        Needless to say, they were quite a spectacle.  Meyer was
questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi.  At first, the Rabbi
refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but
Meyer convinced him to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot
could pray.  Wagers were made with Meyer.  Thousands of dollars were
bet -- even odds -- that the parrot could NOT pray, could not speak
Yiddish, or Hebrew, etc.

        All eyes were on the two of them during services.  The parrot
was still perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed,
but not a peep from the bird.  Meyer become annoyed, slapping at his
shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Pray!"

        The parrot said nothing.

        "Pray, parrot!  You can pray...do it now while everybody's
looking at you!"

        The parrot said nothing.

        After services were over, Meyer realized he owed his synagogue
buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars.  He marched home,
very disgusted, saying nothing.  Finally several blocks from the
temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a
lark.  Meyer stopped and looked at him.

        "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars.
Why?  After I taught you the morning prayers, taught you to read
Hebrew and the Torah.  And after you begged me to bring you to a
synagogue on Rosh Hashona.  Why?  Why did you do this to me?"

        "Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied.  "Think of the
odds on Yom Kippur!"
%
Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises
on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any
physical sport?"

"No. I play bridge with my wife."
%
The doctor had just completed his examination of the gorgeous
red-haired beauty.

"I would suggest to you, young lady," began the medic, as he regained
soma of his professional dignity, "that you discontinue some of your
running around.  Stop drinking so much, cut down on your smoking, and
above all you will have to start eating properly and getting to bed
early."

Then, as a pleasant afterthought, he added: "Why not have dinner with
me tonight?  I'll see to it that you have the proper food and that
you'll be in bed by 9:00!"
%
* true fact, from Associated Press News on June 6, 2001

WASHINGTON (AP) -- The Pentagon agency charged with rooting out fraud
destroyed documents and substituted fakes to win a passing grade in an
audit of its own operations, according to an internal inquiry.
%
An ugly man met an old woman while travelling through a forest.

The old woman said, "You're the ugliest man I ever saw."

"I can't help it," the ugly man said.

"No, I guess not," the woman admitted, "but the least you could do is
stay at home!"
%
A newly married couple had moved in their first house.  The first
morning, the wife is cooking breakfast when her husband interrupts
her: "Oh no honey, we don't need that.  We're going to live on Love
alone".  He pushes the plates off the table, lays her on top and
proceeds to "eat" her.

In the evening, the husband comes home from work, to find his wife
naked, sliding down the banister. 

"What on earth are you doing?" he said. 

"Warming up dinner, honey".
%
Lucky is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas.  Eventually he
gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter from another
gambler just to use the men's room.  He finds a stall that happens to
be open and pockets the quarter.

Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a
slot machine and hits the jackpot.  He takes his winnings and goes to
the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million
dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Izzy goes on the lecture circuit,
where he tells his incredible story.  He tells his audiences that he
will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever
finds the man he will share his fortune with him.

After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says,
"I'm that man.  I was the one who gave you the quarter."

"Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm looking for.  I
mean the guy who left the door open!"
%
A minister asked a six-year-old boy what his favorite bible story was.

"I guess the one about Noah and the Ark, where they floated around on
the water for 40 days and 40 nights" replied the boy.

"That was a good story" said the minister, "and, with all that water,
I bet they had a good time fishing, don't you think?

The boy thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't think so... they
only had two worms."
%
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the
night before.

The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home,
so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky.  My wife was wide
awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving
me hell for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"

The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
%
ADVICE FOR OFFICE MANAGERS: If you keep the sexual harassment
complaint forms in the bottom drawer, then when a person gets one out
you'll get a great view of their butt.
%
Network television is developing a "Texas Version" of "Survivor," the
popular TV show.  The rules are simple:

Each contestant must travel from Amarillo to Wichita Falls, through
Fort Worth, Dallas, Austin, Houston, San Antonio, through San Marcos,
El Paso, Midland, Odessa and Lubbock and then back to Amarillo,
driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I voted for Gore,
I'm Gay and I'm Here to take your Guns."

The first to complete the round trip is the winner.
%
Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make
her look years younger.  After a lengthy sitting before the mirror
applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what
age would you say I am?"

    Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin,
twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

    "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

    "Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted.  "I haven't added them up yet."
%
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid.  After a
long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and
housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.

The maid, with her Gallic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go
unanswered.  "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook
than you, Madam.  He has told me himself."

The rich bitch just scowled and said nothing.

"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than
you!"

"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"

"No, Madam," said he maid.  "The chauffeur told me that!"
%
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two
Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.  The two
Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous francais?"  The two continue to stare.

"Parlare italiano?"  No response.

"Hablan ustedes espanol?"  Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we
should learn a foreign language...."

"Why?" says the other, "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't
do him any good."
%
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been
feeling well.  The doctor examines him, leaves the room and
comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of
water when you get up.  Take the blue pill with a big glass
of water after lunch.  Then just before going to bed, take
the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers,
"Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"

Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
%
An Indian woman goes to see an Indian fortune-teller.

"Two men are in love with me," she says.  "Who will be the lucky one?

The swami answers, "Nimesh will marry you.  Akshay will be the lucky
one.
%
* warning: sex

Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.
The first guy says his favourite position is the "rodeo."

The other guy asks what the position is, and how to do it.  The first
guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then
do it doggy style.  Once things start to get under way and she's
really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear, "Your sister
likes this position, too."
%
A woman went to see her lawyer, taking with her a baby and four
children under the age of five.

"I want a divorce," she said.

"On what grounds?" he asked.

"Desertion, sir," she said.

"Desertion?" he asked, looking at the five young children.

"Well," she confided with a smile, "he does come home every now and
then to apologise."
%
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State
Building in New York.  It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat
at the bar next to another guy.
          
"This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says.
          
"Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar".
          
"Why is that?", the first guy asks.
          
You see that window over there, fourth from the right?  Well, the wind
does strange things outside that window.  If you jump out you'll fall
about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
          
"No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies.
          
"Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the
window, followed closely by the first man.
          
He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out.  He drops
10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh!  He comes
right back up and sails back through the window.
          
"See, it's fun. You should try it", he says.
          
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try", the first man says and
proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...
40...50...60...70...80...90..100 feet and splat!  He ends up as road
pizza on the sidewalk.
          
After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually
closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink.
The bartender arrives with the drink and says,
          
"You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".
%
	A man takes his box of dynamite and rows out to the middle of
the lake.  He starts lighting the dynamite and throwing it in the
water.  Right after the explosion he takes a net and scoops up all the
stunned fish that are floating on the surface.  Very soon the game
warden appears to see what the noise is.

	He sees this guy and pulls his boat along side.  "Hey you," he
says, "You can't do that.  It's illegal to fish with dynamite."  To
which the mans only reply is to light another stick and toss it in.
The warden is irate and says, "If you throw one more stick I'm going
to have to arrest you."  At which time the man stands up and lights
another stick and hands it to the warden and asks "are you gonna talk
or are you gonna fish?"
%
        A neighbor hosted a dinner party for his co-workers and
everyone was encouraged to bring their children.  During the sit-down
dinner, a three-year-old child continued to stare at the man sitting
across from her.

The man checked his shirt and tie, used his napkin to pat his face,
and even smoothed his hair in place with his fingers, but nothing
stopped her annoying stare.  Finally he asked, "Why are you staring at
me?"

Since everyone at the table had noticed the child's behavior, all
chatter had stopped, awaiting her reply.

The child said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"
%
An American journalist was stopped at a Russian Checkpoint in the
bullet-pocked suburb of Chechnya.

The Russian soldier said, "Get out of the car and open the trunk!"

The American replied, "I'm sorry, but the handbrake on the car is
broken.  I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll back down
the hill."

So the Russian says, "Do you take me for a FOOL?!" as he slides into
the passenger seat, and stamps his big boot onto the brake pedal.

"Now, go and open the trunk!"

So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldiers request and
goes and opens the trunk of the car.

"Now", shouts the Russian from inside the car, "Is there any
contraband in there?"
%
The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court
records nationwide

* Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

* Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in
most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about
it until the next morning?

* Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

* The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?

* Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

* Q: Mrs. Johnson how was your first marriage terminated?
  A: By death
  Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

* Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
  A: I'll be three months on November 8.
  Q: Apparantly then, the date of conception was August 8?
  A: Yes
  Q: What were you doing at that time?

* Q: She had three children right?
  A: Yes
  Q: How many were boys?
  A: None
  Q: Were there any girls?

* You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like,
but can you describe it?
%
All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to
an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American
Indian.
			- Pat Paulsen
%
A man at the bar orders 2 whiskeys, pays for them, drinks both and
leaves.  This goes on for a number of weeks.  The man comes in again
and orders the usual, when the bar man suggests that if the guy orders
a double, it would save him washing the extra glass.  So the man
explains: "Ah, but I can't you see.  When I left my best friend back
home and came to this country he asked me to have a drink for him".

A few days later, the man comes in and orders only one glass of
whiskey.

Bar man: "Oh no!  I am so sorry about your friend..."  

Man: "No, no, I just decided to give up drinking"
%
George walked into the neighborhood bar and announced that he was
divorcing his wife.  The bartender asked why.

"Well," George said, "yesterday was her birthday, so I took her to the
fanciest restaurant in town."

"So?" the bartender replied.

"So I order a bottle of their best champagne, and I made a toast; 'To
the best woman a man could have'..."

"What's wrong with that?"

"Four waiters joined in!"
%
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. 
	-- Milton Berle
%
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. 
		-- Henny Youngman
%
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for
lunch.  At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.  The nun
in charge had made a note for the apples: "Take only one, God is
watching."

Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large
pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A boy wrote a note: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
%
Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making
the big money someday.  He took his friend out for a drive, and he
chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities
of the brokerage business.

"Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina.
"That 96' beauty belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch.  That
one over there 104' is owned by the head of Goldman, Sachs.  And look
at that huge 210' yacht out there.  That's the pride and joy of the
top seller at Prudential-Bache."

His friend Morris was silent.  Goodman turned to look at him and saw a
pained look on his face.

"What's the matter?" Goodman asked.

"I was just wondering," Morris said.  "why aren't there any customers'
yachts?"
%
A marriage broker offered Morty a beautiful young girl, a real prize,
to be his wife.  But Morty was stubborn.

"I'm a businessman," Morty argued.  "Before I buy material from a
mill, I look at swatches.  So before I get married, I gotta have a
sample also."

The broker had no choice but to relay the message to the girl.

"He says he is a good businessman, and he has to know exactly what
he's buying.  He insists on a sample."

"Listen," the girl replied.  "I'm also good at business. A sample I
don't give.  But, I will give him references!"
%
* sadly, this is true

Associated Press news from July 17, 2001

Anti-smoking groups reacted angrily today to a report by cigarette
giant Philip Morris that said tobacco could save a government millions
of dollars in health care and pensions because many smokers die
earlier. The report, commissioned by Philip Morris from research
company Arthur D. Little International, looked at the cost of smoking
in the Czech Republic in 1999, and concluded that the government had
saved about $30 million from the ``indirect positive effects'' of
early deaths.
%
* ethnic

A Jewish lady goes into a furniture store owned by a Jewish man. She
picks out a lamp she likes and brings it to the counter.

She finds out the price is $69.95 and says, "Oy, down the street at
Goldstein's these are only $49.95!"

The owner asks why she doesn't buy it from Goldstein's, and she says,
"Because they just ran out of them."

The owner throws up his hands and says, "Ha! When I'm out of them,
they're only $29.95!"
%
A young fireman placed a ladder against the bedroom window of a
burning house and rushed up.  Inside was a curvy brunette in a
see-through nightie.

"Aha," said he, "you're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this
year!"

"But I'm not pregnant," the brunette indignantly exclaimed.

"You're not rescued yet either."
%
* you may already know this one

Associated press news, July 18

WASHINGTON (AP)-- On the eve of an FBI oversight hearing on Capital
Hill, officials said today that 184 laptop computers, at least one
containing classified material, are missing from the FBI, along with
about 450 weapons, mostly sidearms.  Thirteen of the missing laptops
are believed to have been stolen, the officials, discussing the
problem on condition of anonymity, said.  Attorney General John
Ashcroft has asked the Justice Department's inspector general to do a
department-wide review of inventory controls over guns and other law
enforcement equipment.
%
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach.  A
seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde.

The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on, the bathroom is just
up the hill, I'll go get some toilet paper."

After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh.

The redhead says, "What's so funny?"

The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at
her.  By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull
will be miles away!"
%
* some may be offended

A doctor says to his male patient, "I've got good news and I've got bad
news.  The bad news is you're showing signs of being a homosexual."

"With bad news like that, what could be the good news?" the patient asks.

"The good news is I think you're cute."
%
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! 
Mom!  I have some great news for you!  I am getting married to the most
beautiful girl in town.  She lives a block away and her name is Susan
Hoffman."

After dinner, George's dad took him aside and said, "Son, I have to talk
with you.  Look at your mother, George.  She and I have been married 30
years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered
much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a
lot.  Susan Hoffman is actually your half sister, so I'm afraid you
can't marry her."

George was brokenhearted.  After eight months he started dating girls
again.  A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane
said yes!  We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the
sad news:  "Diane is your half sister too, George.  I'm awfully sorry
about this."

George was livid!  He finally decided to go to his mother with the news
his father had shared.  "Dad has done so much harm.  I guess I'm never
going to get married," he complained.  "Every time I fall in love, Dad
tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hah," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention
to what he says.  He's not really your father!"
%
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How
was I born?"

"The stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too." 

"So... how were grandpa and grandma born?"

"Well, darling, the stork brought them too," said the mother. 

The next day the boy handed in his paper to the teacher.  It read,
"This report is impossible to write due to the fact that there hasn't
been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
%
How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
%
A man approached a local in a village he was visiting.  "What's the
quickest way to York?"

The local scratched his head.

"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

"I'm driving."

"That's the quickest way!"
%
* warning: religious material

                      Why God never received a Ph.D.:

1. He only had one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.

5. Some doubt he even wrote it himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done
   since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human
   subjects.

10. When subjects didn't behave as he predicted, he deleted them from
    the sample.

11. He rarely came to class, he just told students to read the book.

12. Some say he had his son teach the class.

13. He expelled his first two students for learning.

14. Although there were only 10 requirements, all of his students
    failed the test.

15. His office hours were infrequent and held on a mountain top.

16. He has a poor record of working well with colleagues.
%
After the college boy delivered the pizza, the customer asked,"What is
the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "This is my first trip here, but the other
guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."

"Is that so?" snorted the customer.  "Well, just to show them how
wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying?"

"Applied psychology."
%
* ethnic

An IRS agent goes into a synagogue looking for the rabbi.

"Rabbi," he says when he sees him, "do you know a Mr. Morris Katz?"

"Yes, I do," says the rabbi.

"Is he a member of your congregation?" asks the agent.

"Yes, he is," says the rabbi.

"Did he make the $100,000 donation to the synagogue that he claims on
his tax return?" asks the IRS agent.

"I can assure you he will!" says the rabbi.
%
During one of the tensest moments of a murder movie, an elderly
gentleman groped for something on the theatre floor.  He was greatly
disturbing the lady in the next seat, to the point where she finally
inquired testily, "What have you lost?"

"A caramel," said the man.

"You're going to all this bother for a measly caramel?"  she asked.

"Yes," was the reply. "My teeth are in it"
%
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer!  Now let's try it again.

Soldier: Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!
%
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every
time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china
piggy bank on the bedside table.  One night while being unusually
athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it
smashes.  To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are
handfuls of five and ten dollar bills.

He asks his wife "Where's all these bills come from?"

"Well," she replied, "Not everyone is as cheap as you are."
%
After receiving his pills from the pharmacist, the customer
asked, "Are these time release pills?"

The pharmacist replied, "Yes. They begin to work after your
check clears."
%
Why do men get paid twice as much to complete the same job?
The woman can do it right the first time.
%
A young woman in a REALLY skimpy skirt was at the bus stop.  When the
bus arrived and the doors opened she tried to climb the steps.
However, her skirt was too tight and her legs couldn't move.  So, she
reached behind her and undid her zipper.

She tried to step up again, and still couldn't, so she reached behind
again and played with the zipper.  She tried to climb the steps
again... still no luck.  So, as she reached behind again, a pair of
strong hands picked her up andplaced her on the top step.

"What do you think you're doing?", she asked the guy behind her.

"Well, I figured the second time you undid my fly we were at least good
friends!"
%
From Associated Press News, August 13, 2001

TBILISI - A disgruntled power worker threw the Georgian city of
Zugdidi and its 300,000 inhabitants into the dark Monday to express
his discontent at not being paid for the past eight months, local
police told AFP.

Badri Kobakhidze, a worker with the local electricity distribution
company, climbed a pylon and cut the cable supplying power to the
city, refusing to budge for two hours, the officials said.

He was lured down by a management promise that his salary would be
paid.
%
"By way of background: Kyrgyzstan is an actual nation located in the
western hemisphere.  Or possibly the eastern hemisphere.  It's
definitely in a hemisphere.  Historically, Kyrgyzstan is part of the
group of nations -- also including Pakistan, Afghanistan, Uzbekistan
and Kurdistan -- that were founded by a tribe of men named 'Stan.'"
				-- Dave Barry
%
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each
other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm
going to give you a special gift.  I'm going to bring you both to life
for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."  And with
a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the
bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter,
and shaking of branches.  Fifteen minutes later, the two statues
emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at
them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue
and said, "Great!  Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll
shit on it's head."
%
Ted just finished his training session at the local McDonald's. So he
was a little nervous being behind the register for the first time.
His first customer ordered a Milkshake.

"Ted," his manager said, "remember to say 'Welcome to McDonald's' to
each customer before they order."

His second customer ordered a Cheeseburger.  This time, the manager
approached Ted again, and said, "Remember to ask each customer if they
want fries with their order."

At this point a man came in wearing a ski mask, approached Ted at the
register and pointed a gun in his face.  "Give me all the money you
got in that register kid!"

Ted took one look at his manager, thought to himself, and quickly
said, "Would you like that for here or to go?"
%
* warning: disgusting

Two down-and-outs are walking along the street.

The first one sniffs the air and says "Did you shit your pants?"

The second one replies "No."

Time passes.

The first one sniffs the air again "Are you sure you didn't shit your
pants?"

The second one replies "No I didn't"

The first one has had enough.  He grabs the back of the second one's
pants, checks inside, and reels back, disgusted.  There's a big brown
turd clinging to the undercarriage.

The first one says "What's this?  You told me you didn't shit your
pants!"

The second one replies "I thought you meant today."
%
A cute young woman was giving a manicure to a man in the barber shop.
The man said, "How about a date later?"

"I'm married," she answered.

With a wink he said, "So, just tell him you're going out with your
girlfriends."

"Tell him yourself," she said, "he's shaving you."
%
I had an offer from a large company and they offered to fly me out to
the meeting on business class.  During the return flight we were given
gourmet brownies and cookies.  Not hungry, I decided to save them for
later, so I placed them in a vomit bag.  After the plane landed I got
up to leave and a stewardess approached me.  "Sir, would you like for
me to dispose of that for you?"

I said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids."
%
Criminals:

# Kevin Carter, 21, and Michael Harrison, 26, were charged with murder
and armed robbery in Boynton Beach, Fla., in December.  Motive: to
raise money to attend the police academy

# Michael Pollina, 26, pleaded guilty in Chicago in February to three
bank robberies.  Motive: to pay for a lavish reception that he and his
fiancee had planned for their upcoming wedding

# Jack Swint, 42, pleaded guilty to passing bad checks in Roanoke,
Va., in November (while he was awaiting trial on other bad-check
charges).  Motive: needed to pay for counseling sessions to help him
kick his bad-check habit
%
True story:

According to Reuters, the dazed crew of a Japanese trawler was plucked
out of the Sea of Japan earlier this year clinging to the wreckage of
their sunken ship.  Their rescue was followed by immediate
imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's
loss.  To a man they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue
sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking
the vessel within minutes.  They remained in prison for several weeks,
until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities
that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow
wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the
plane's hold and hastily taken off for home.  Unprepared for live
cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a frightened cow
rampaging within the hold.  To save the aircraft and themselves, they
shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of
Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.
%
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.
%
When Julia was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman
came up to her register with a package of white athletic socks.  "Will
you open this up so I can see how the socks feel?" she asked.

Reluctantly Julia tore open the package.  The customer scrutinized the
merchandise and handed the package back, saying, "I'll take them."

Julia was relieved to make the sale.  As she started to ring up the
purchase, the customer interrupted, saying, "Can I have another pack?
This one's been opened."
%
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.  When I'm in
a good mood it turns green.  When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves
a red mark on his forehead.
%
Hubert Humphrey was asked to be an advisor on a university student's
dissertation.  A request he accepted with delight.  All proceeded well
and on the date the paper was due the student delivered a nicely bound
copy.  Two months went by and the student hadn't heard a word.  So, he
went to Mr. Humphrey's office and asked him what he thought of the
paper.

"Well," said Mr. Humphrey, "I think it needs to be redone."

Although dejected, the student decided to take another crack at the
project.

And two months later, the student delivered the new version to
Mr. Humphrey, and another month went by without hearing a word.  So,
again, the student went to see Mr. Humphrey, and again was told the
paper had to be redone.

Totally beside himself, the student went back to the drawing board and
rewrote the paper for a third time.  Two months later he returned to
Mr. Humphrey's office with the new term paper in hand and said to him,

"I've re-researched and rewritten to the extent that I've left no
stone unturned and no thought unanalysed.  There is just nothing more
I can do."

"OK," said Mr. Humphrey, "I guess I will read this one."
%
Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped
by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit.
Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a
small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip cookies and
proceeded on my way.

Later, I was stopped by another trooper.

"What have I done?" I asked.

"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling.  "I heard you were passing out
great chocolate-chip cookies."
%
        I was taking a shower when my two-year-old son came into the
bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.  Although he made a
mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots.
They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with
each of our Christmas cards.

        Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing
hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look.  Puzzled, I stared
at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I
had captured my reflection in the mirror... wearing nothing but a
camera!
%
MONDAY Notice: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale.
Pbone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him
cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday.
It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap.  Phone
948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received
several annoyiny telephone calls because of the error we made in the
classified ad yesterday.  The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale
-- R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale.  Cheap.  Phone 948-0707
after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale.  I
smashed it.  Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected.
I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly.  Until yesterday she was
my housekeeper but she quit!  
%
In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main
rectory.  That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper.  One
day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner
at the rectory.  While being served, the young pastor noticed how
shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he
wondered if there was more between the pastor and the housekeeper.
 
After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young
priest that everything was purely professional... that she was the
housekeeper and cook and that was that.  About a week later the
housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new
assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful
silvergravy ladle.  You don't suppose he took it, do you?"

The Pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter."  So
he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the
gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle.  But
the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for
dinner."  The young assistant received the letter, and he answered it
as follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with
the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the
housekeeper.  But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed
you would find the gravy ladle."
%
A man accused of theft was appearing before the Judge.

"Your Honor," his lawyer said, "I feel it is very unfair for my client
to be accused of theft.  He arrived in this city only a few days ago
and barely knows his way around.  What's more, he is only able to
speak a few words of English."

The Judge looked sternly at the defendant and asked, "How much English
do you speak?"

The defendant looked up and replied, "Give me your wallet!"
%
        Ludwig applied to a finance agency for a job even though
he had no experience in this field.  He was able to convince the
manager he was a fast learner and could do the job.  He was
assigned a difficult account with the manager's promise that if
he collected the amount due, he'd get the position.
        It took Ludwig approximately two hours to collect the full
amount owed.  The manager was amazed and asked, "How did
you do it?"
        "It was a snap," Ludwig replied.  "I told him if he didn't
pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."
%
The train Moscow-Minsk crosses Belorussian border. 
Custom control comes:

- Weapon?  Drugs?  Foreign currency?
- Just a cup of tea please.
%
* Warning: references to private anatomical structures

A white man noticed the impressive length of the black man's penis at
the adjacent urinal.

"Sure wish I had one like your's."  

The black man replied "You can--just tie a string around it and hang
weight on the end of the string.  Put the weight down your pant leg,
and you can have one like mine."

The white man thanked him for the suggestion and left.

Some weeks later, they met again in the lavatory.  The black man asked
how the project was going.

"Great -- I'm half way there!"

"Really?" said the black man.

"Yes.  It's black."
%
A police officer was assigned to stake out the parking lot of a rowdy
bar and watch for possible violations of drunk-driving laws.  Watching
from his car, the cop saw a patron stumble out of the bar, trip on the
curb, then try to open the doors of a dozen cars before finding his
own car and collapsing in the front seat, where he remained immobile.
And where he continued to remain immobile as the evening progressed
and others left the bar, started up their cars, and drove away.

Finally, with the parking lot all but empty, the patron pulled himself
to an upright position, started the car, and attempted to pull out of
the lot.  Immediately the cop pounced, pulled the motorist from the
car, and administered an on-the-spot Breathalyzer test.  The result:
0.0% blood alcohol content. How could that be, the cop asked asked the
motorist.

"Simple," the driver said.  "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
%
* warning: religious characters

Two nuns were on their way to breakfast at the convent when Mother
Superior came storming by.

They said good morning to her, to which she merely grumbled.  One
sister said to the other, "Crumbs, Mother Superior got up on the wrong
side of the bed this morning."  

"How can you tell?" asked the other sister.

"Well, for one thing, she's got on Father O'Brien's shoes!"
%
Lying on his deathbed, the wealthy Mr. Benjamin was instructing his
attorney on last-minute changes in his will.

"I wish to leave everything I own, stocks, bonds, property, art and
money to my wife.  However, there is one stipulation".  

"And that is?"  queried the attorney.

"In order to inherit, she must marry again within six months of my
death".

The lawyer seemed puzzled and asked, "Why make such an unusual
request?'

Mr. Benjamin answered, "Because I want *someone* to be sorry I died."
%
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife, "Something has
just come up: I have a chance to go fishing for a week.  It's the
opportunity of a lifetime!  We leave right away, so please pack my
clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas.
I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."  He goes home in a hurry and
grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns.  His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip,
dear?"  

He says, "Oh yes, great!  But you forgot to pack my blue silk
pajamas."

"Oh no I didn't.  I put them in your tackle box!"
%
After years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in bed one
night.  Lena leaned over to Ole and said, "Ole, have you ever been
unfaithful during all our years of marriage?"

"Not even once!" exclaimed Ole.  "Lena, have you ever been
unfaithful?"

"Well, er, yes --- but only three times," she admitted somewhat
embarrassed.

"Hmmm, three times?" questioneed Ole.  "That's not so bad. Do you
remember those three times?  Can you tell me when?"

"Well, Ole, do you remember when you wanted to build the store and you
had a hard time getting approval from the City Council?"  asked Lena.
"That was the first time."

"And, do you remember when you wanted to build an addition, but had to
get the okay from the building inspector?" she asked.  "That was the
second time."

"OK, Lena, when was the third time?" queried Ole?

"The third time was... " Lena paused.  "Do you remember when you were
running for president of the Sons of Norway and you needed 125 votes?"
%
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their
new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been
taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't
tell what the weather was going to be.  Nevertheless, to be on the
safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to
be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be
prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an
idea.  He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service
and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the
meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even
more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.  "Is it
going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's
definitely going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.  "Are
you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied.  "It's going to be one of the coldest
winters ever."

"Wow.  You guys are fantastic.  Tell me, How can you be so sure?" 
the Chief asked.

"Between you and me: we have a foolproof source: the Indians are 
collecting wood like crazy."
%
These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning.  One is 
detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their 
children while walking to the first tee. 

"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the
homebuilding industry.  He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own
design and construction firm.  He's so successful in fact, in the last
year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
     
The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career
as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.  "He's so
successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand
new cars as a gift."
     
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage
and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock
portfolio as a gift.
     
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they
have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
     
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned
out, he replies.  "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and
I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual.  But, on
the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big
pile of stock certificates."
%
Visiting a genealogist, a man asked how much it would cost to have his
family tree traced.

"It could cost thousands of dollars," said the genealogist.

"I see.  Well, isn't there an easier way?  A less expensive way?"

"Sure," she replied.  "Run for president."
%
If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would be
worth $49 today.  If you bought $1000 worth of Miller beer one year
ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel
deposit, you would have $79 today.

My advice to you is to start drinking...
%
A man is lying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his
son, the surgeon.

The father says, "Son, think of it this way: if anything happens to
me, your mother is coming to live with you."
%
- My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.

- How is she now?

- She's fine, but the dog died.
%
Don't judge your wife too harshly for her weaknesses.  If she
didn't have them chances are she would have never married you.
%
The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked
one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.  When
the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to
know.  "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

The employee was baffled.  "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he
replied.  "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for.
%
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his
grandmother and found a water pistol.  He squealed with de- light and
headed for the nearest sink.  I was not so pleased.  I turned to Mom
and said, "I'm surprised at you.  Don't you remember how we used to
drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember."
%
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her
husband's funeral.  She tells the director that she wants her husband to
be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit
that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check
to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and
he is wearing a beautiful blue suit.  She tells the director how much
she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.  He says, "Actually, it
didn't cost anything.  The funniest thing happened.  As soon as you
left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit.  I
noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if
she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit.  She said
that was fine with her.  So I switched the heads."
%
"Get your facts first, then you can distort 'em as much as you
please."
   -- Mark Twain
%
Jean's teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine
points of balancing his new checking account.  The bank
returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store,"
she said.

"Good," the boy said.  "Now I can use it to buy something
else.
%
Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.

There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no
corpse.

In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client
is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts
to a clever trick."

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the
lawyer says as he looks at his watch.  "Within 1 minute, the person
presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says
and he looks toward the courtroom door.  The jury, somewhat stunned,
all look on eagerly.  A minute passes.  Nothing happens.

Finally the lawyer says: "Actually, I made up the previous statement.
But you all looked on with anticipation.  I, therefore, put it to you
that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was
killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate.  A few minutes
later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of
guilty.

"But how?" inquires the lawyer.  "You must have had some doubt; I saw
all of you stare at the door."

Answers the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look.  But your client didn't."
%
A woman goes into a grocery storeand is looking round anxiously at a
pile of oranges.

"Can I help you madam?" asks the shopkeeper.

"Well, I was looking for some fruit for my husband.  Have these
oranges been treated with any poisonous fertilizer or weedkiller?"

"No madam, you'll have to get that in the garden supplies aisle".
%
RECOMMENDATION: MR MURTHY 

While working with Mr. Murthy, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without
idling or gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He will always be
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chit-chatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Murthy should be
pushed to accept promotion, and whatever bias against him be
terminated as soon as possible.

Sd/-
Branch Manager

PS: MURTHY WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THE REPORT MAILED TO
YOU TODAY. KINDLY READ ONLY THE ALTERNATE LINES 1,3,5... FOR
MY TRUE ASSESSMENT OF HIM.
%
Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a
billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer.  Bill's
girlfriend glanced up at it and said, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack
of that brand, I'd look like her."

"No," Bill corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her."
%
An attractive young woman who had just had surgery performed on her
asked the doctor, "Will the scar show?"

The doctor replied, "That's entirely up to you."
%
During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back
road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel
at the wheel.  "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he
pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys,
"Yours is."
%
* warning: ethnic references

What is a Jew's biggest dilemma?
Free pork
%
A new minister was talking to the oldest member of his con-
gregation.  "I am 90 years old, sir, and I haven't an enemy
in the world," said the aged one.

"That is a beautiful thought," said the minister approvingly.

"Yes sir," was the answer.  "I'm thankful to say that I've
outlived 'em all."
%
One college kid wrote home: "Dear folks, I've been worried sick
because I haven't heard from you.  Please send me a cheque so I'll
know you're okay."
%
The Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and
fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in
the field.  We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on
their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them.
We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of
an encounter with a bear.  

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and
grizzly bear droppings.  Black bear droppings are small and contain
lots of berries and squirrel fur.  Grizzly bear droppings have little
bells in them and smell like pepper.
%
DOCTOR: "I have some good news and some bad news.  Which do you want
first?"

PATIENT: "Give me the bad news first."

DOCTOR: "OK... well, we amputated the wrong leg."

PATIENT: "Oh, my God! Well, what's the good news?"

DOCTOR: "Your other leg won't need to be amputated after all."
%
Patient: Well, Doc, you sure kept your promise.  You said I'd be
walking in a month and you were right.  I had to sell my car to pay
your bill."
%
Q: What is the definition of a Mistress?

A: Something between ... a Mister ...  and a Mattress!
%
A man called into a local radio station and told the "morning guys"
that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he
wasn't going to get any sex.

They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"

Reply: "Until my girlfriend dies."
%
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree
and the woman gets her master's.
%
* perhaps too many, but I can't send them any other time

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a cow?
A hamburger that bites back!

Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested?
In a red bloodcell!

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a dwarf?
A monster that sucks blood out of kneecaps!

How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes.

How can you tell if a vampire is lazy?
He uses leeches.

How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
By blood vessels.

What do you get if you cross Jesse James and Dracula?
A robbery at the blood bank.

What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I'd like to get to gnaw you.

Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?
They would only let him be BAT boy!

What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffin Drops!

Why do vampires drink blood?
Because coffee keeps them awake all day!

What type of coffee do vampires prefer?
Decoffinated!

Why was the student vampire tired in the morning?
Because he was up all night studying for his blood test!

What did Dracula say to Wolfman after introducing his new girlfriend?
"I've always been a sucker for a pretty face"!

What happened to the Vampire who tried to gain weight by eating more?
It didn't work... it was all in vein.

How can you spot a vampire jockey?
They always win by a neck!

Why do vampires tend to make great artists?
They get lots of practice drawing blood.

Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?
Because he's a pain in the neck!

Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
To see if she was his type.

Where does Dracula water ski?
Lake Erie.

Why couldn't the vampire's wife get any sleep?
Because of his coffin.
%
Who was the most famous French skeleton?
Napoleon bone-apart.

What do you give a skeleton for Valentine's Day?
Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He had no guts.

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.

Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
He had no body to dance with.

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Bone appetit!
%
A young guy was complaing to his Boss about the problems he was
having with his stubborn girlfriend.  "She gets me so angry sometimes
I could hit her, the young man exclaimed.

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife".  Replied the Boss.
"Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank  her."

Shaking his head the young guy replied, "That doesn't work.  Once I get
her pants down I'm not mad anymore."
%
Yesterday my Auntie's friend's daughter was on the on the train
travelling from Johannesburg to Cape Town.  A man of Arabic-appearance
got off the train and she noticed that he had left his bag behind.
She grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him at the top
of the stairs and handed him back his bag.

He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared to
contain large bundles of bank notes.  He offered her a reward, but she
refused.

So he looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to her:
"I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to with a word of
advice for you.  Stay away from The Hard Rock Cafe"

She was terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" she whispered.

"No" he whispered back "I went there yesterday evening; the food was
shit and the waitress was very rude."
%
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just
met the woman of his dreams.  Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the
card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came
to dinner.  His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned.  "She insisted on washing the
dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."
%
The importance of correct punctuation:

Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is all about.
You are generous, kind, thoughtful.  People who are not
like you admit to being useless and inferior.  You have
ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no
feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever
happy--will you let me be yours?  Jane

Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is.  All about
you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like
you. Admit to being useless and inferior.  You have ruined
me.  For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings
whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy.
Will you let me be?
Yours,
Jane
%
The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone
rang.  He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened.

When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good
news.

"Ma," he shouted, "the results are in.  I won the election!"

"Honestly?"

The politician's smiled faded.  "Aw hell, Ma, why bring that up at a
time like this?"
%
The boss held the annual employee picnic at his house one year.  He
walked around the yard, introducing his wife and his eight-year-old
son to the employees.  Finally they came to the new young secretary.
"Helen and Jamie, this is Miss Myers, who recently came to work for
me."

The pretty young thing started to shake hands with the boy.  But
before she could, the boy took off at a run across the yard.  A moment
later, he returned with the garden hose.

"Jamie, what's got into you?" the boss's wife demanded of her son.

"Mom, I heard Pop say something to Mr. Schwartz the other day."  He
pointed to the secretary, then added.  "I want to see if she really
can suck a golf ball through this hose."
%
Wife:  What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?
Husband:  Golfing with friends, my dear.
Wife:  What?  Until 2 a.m.?
Husband:  Yes.  We used nightclubs.
%
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.  On the
last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.
During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi.  Thereupon, the man
leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast!
Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi.  Again, the Japanese man
leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast!  Made in
Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi.  For the third time, the
Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast!
Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for
quite a number of cars.  Finally, the taxi came to the airport.  The
fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast!  Made in
Japan!"
%
Two political candidates were having a hot debate.  Finally, one of
them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful
interest that controls you?"

And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"
%
A woman walks into a lawyer's office and asks, "Is it true that if I
get divorced, I'm entitled to half of my husband's possessions?"

"In most cases," answers the lawyer, "it is true.  Are you getting a
divorce?"

"Not yet," the woman replies.  "First, I've got to get married."
%
"I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition.  My sister
left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month-old nephew.  I
said, "What do I do if he cries?"  She said "Give him some
vegetables."  It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite.
%
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and
he doesn't want to pay up.  What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,"
said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely.  That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we
need to nail him."
%
John: "I'm a man of few words."

Bill: "I'm married, too."
%
A teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring and baggy clothes
was overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress
like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere
with them."
%
There was a young priest who was having trouble both writing and
delivering his sermons.  So he asked his Bishop for help.  The wise old
Bishop said, "Well you might start with something to attract and hold
their attention, such as, 'Last night I was in the warm embrace of a
good woman,' that will get their attention then you go on to talk about
how warm and accepting she was and at the end reveal she was your
mother; that is great for sermons about family love."

The young priest decided to take the advice.  The
following Sunday he got into the pulpit and said, "Last night I was in
the arms a hot woman," he paused.  The congregation was totally
transfixed; no lack of attention now.  But he had forgotten what come
next, so he stumbled on about how great she was and how good she made
him feel.  Then he thought of a way to get out of his problem.  He said in
conclusion, "Well I may not remember who she was, but she was
recommended by the Bishop!"
%
Marriage - nature's way of stopping people fighting
with strangers.
%
My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school
that she needed to take a clean t-shirt to class.  She told us the
teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it.  My wife
frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable
but one t-shirt that already had something printed on one side.  She
sent it off to school with my daughter.

That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her t-shirt.
On one side it said, "Families are Forever."
And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start."
%
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the hoose
exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button thats come off of
me fly I canny button me pants.

"Oh Angus...i've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see
if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of
yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.  Walking back
in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.  The
little lady looks at him and says "My god, what in hells name happened
to you?, did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye" says Angus.  "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did,
everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee
thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in.
%
When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he
was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his
life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he
thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his
services.

"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.

"Okay," replied the doctor.  "How about half of what you'd have
offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"
%
The cowboys had been out on the trail with the herd for two weeks
already and Wishbone's cooking was beginning to wear a little thin.
The grumbling about his bad food was approaching mutiny status.

Having had enough of everyone's pissing and moaning, the trail boss
decided to do something about the situation.  He ruled that all of the
cowboys would draw straws and that whoever came up short would have to
replace Wishbone as the company cook.  But there was one caveat.
Anyone who thereafter complained about the new chef's cooking would
have to take over the job himself.

The poor cowhand who lost the draw began his first day as the new cook
by throwing together the worst meal he could think of.  He wanted
someone to complain right away so that he could get off this terrible
assignment.  Unfortunately for him, no one complained that first
evening.  Everyone just choked down their food in silence.

This went on for several days as the new cook deliberately made the
meals worse and worse every day.  But still, no one complained.  No
one dared to gripe about the food because they knew they would have to
immediately take over the cooking.

After five days the new cook waited until all the hands were well out
of sight as they hit the trail early the next morning.  With bucket in
hand, he went out on the prairie and started picking up moose turds.
That evening, at the next camp, he baked a beautiful pie -- the
filling of which was a pudding made from his collection of moose
turds.

After an especially bad dinner of burnt meat, moldy bread and weak
coffee, the new chef brought out his pie.  Still, no one said a word
about how bad it was.  In silence they all choked down the pie, some
of them holding their noses, others almost throwing up.  Again, no one
complained.

But one cowpoke had simply gotten to the point where he couldn¹t take
the punishment any longer.  In a fit of rage he stood up, threw his
pie plate to the ground and shouted, "Goddammit, you can¹t fool me!  I
know what this is!  This here's Moose Turd Pie!"

Dead silence.

"But gooooooooood!"
%
In some US cities crime has odd effects.

Take Washington DC for example, there, cabs are so expensive, it's
cheaper to get mugged and wait for the ambulance.
%
During the banquet celebrating his 50th wedding anniversary, Tom was
asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a
marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom," asked his closest buddy, "just what is it you have
learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom thought for a moment and then responded, "Well, I've learned that
marriage is the best teacher of all.  It teaches you loyalty,
meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great
many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single.
%
A car salesman trying to "influence" a senator by offering him a new
car for free.  The senator tells him that he could never accept such a
gift under such circumstances.

"That would be unethical, dishonest and against the law!"  he replies
indignantly.

The salesman thinks for a moment, and suggests he "sell" the senator a
car for $20.

The senator nods approvingly, "Great, I'll take 2."
%
"What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?"
				-- W.C. Fields
%
A big outfit offered its employees an opportunity to join a pension
plan with excellent benefits.  But the conditions were, all employees
had to sign up for the plan, and they all had to sign up within a
month.

    Within a few days everybody in the company signed up except for a
goober named Bubba.  Everybody argued with him, telling him to sign
up, but Bubba wouldn't budge, saying, "I don't understand it, it's too
complicated."

   The deadline approaching, Bubba's foreman sent him to see the
outfit's big boss up on the tenth floor.

   Not mincing any words, the boss says, "Bubba this is a great plan,
and if you don't sign the sonofabitch right now, I'm gonna throw your
ass out that window!"

   Without hesitating, Bubba picked up the pen and signed the paper. 

   The boss says, "Well that easy enough, how come you wouldn't sign
before?"

   "Well, boss, nobody else every explained it to me."
%
Some people consider video games harmful?

It is ridiculous claiming that video games influence children.

For instance, if Pac-man affected kids who were born in the eighties,
we should by now have a bunch of teenagers who run around in darkened
rooms and eat pills while listening to monotonous electronic music.

Oh ..... never mind.
%
	France Presse News from Dec 10 2001

A Bulgarian television station announced Monday
the launch of a late-night news show in which female presenters take
off their clothes while reading out the day's headlines.

Entitled "The Naked Truth," the show will be screened at 11:00 pm
every week night from Monday on the private MSAT channel, by a total
of five presenters including a former Bulgarian "Miss Penthouse."

The presenters will be given bodyguards to protect them from news
fans, said a station spokesman.

	France Presse News from Dec 11 2001

In Monday's late-night debut, Galina Petkova started the show in a red
suit, standing, as she reported on a discussion on army reform between
president-elect Georgi Parvanov and Defence Minister Nikolai Svinarov.

Announcing an IMF mission to Bulgaria, Galina coyly took off her
jacket. She unbuttoned her white blouse, presenting new demands by
Bulgarian customs officials.  Reporting a bomb hoax at Sofia City
Hall, she took off her top.

As viewers watched agog at the news that the pro-privatization
government was negotiating with the French auto group Peugeot-Citroen,
they were also treated to Galina stripping down to frilly white bikini
underwear.
 
And finally at end of the news, the presenter announced proudly that
the programme would be re-broadcast by foreign German TV groups RTL
and SAT1.
%
My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning
and organizing her house for a long time.  Since she was planning to
entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get moving.  That afternoon
she phoned, sounding glum.

"I went to the bookstore," she explained.  "And I bought a book on how
to get organized.  I was all fired up, and decided to clean out all
the shelves in the living room.  While I was working, I found the same
darn book.  I had bought it a couple of years ago."
%
The first time we left our first baby with a babysitter, the only one
we could find to babysit was my grandfather who had forgotten a lot
about babies.  We were gone all day, and when we returned home that
evening, the house stunk to high heaven, and the baby was bawling.
It was obvious that the baby's diaper had not been changed all day.
When we asked Grandpa why he hadn't changed the baby's diaper, his
reply was, "Well, the diaper box said they were good for '10 to 20
pounds', and there wasn't near that much in the diaper!"
%
Each Friday night I drove my wife to the train station so she could go
visit her sister who was ill.  Ten minutes later, MY sister arrived by
train so that she could manage our house over the weekend while my
wife was gone.  On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my
sister departing by train ten minutes before my wife arrived.

One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's
arrival, a porter sauntered over.

"Mister," he said, "you sure have some system going! But one of these
days you're goin' to get caught!"
%
A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar.  A stranger
comes buy and asks if he's O.K.

The drunk replies by asking, "Do you know who I am?"  

The stranger says "No. Who are you?"

The drunk proudly says "I'm Jesus Christ... and I can prove it!  Come
with me!"

They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells "Jesus Christ!
Are you here again?"
%
* warning: Ethnic references

Two beggars are sitting on a bench in Mexico City.  One was holding a
large cross and the other, a large Star of David.  Both are holding
big hats to collect contributions.

People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David
and, almost for spite, drop large amounts of money in the hat held by
the man with the cross.

Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the
man with the Star of David is empty.

A priest was watching and approached the men.  He turns to the man
with the Star of David and said: Young man, do you realize this is a
Catholic country?  You'll never get any contributions holding a Star
of David."

And he walked off.

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and
says: "Moshe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to
run our business?"
%
If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
%
A guy wakes up in the morning after a fantastic Christmas party. He
has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did the night
before after arriving at the party.

He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on.  He
notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be
a bra.  He thinks "bloody hell what happened last night??".

He walks towards the bathroom and finds a pair of panties in the other
pocket of his gown.  Again he thinks "what happened last night, what
have i done? must have been a wild party".

He open the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror.

He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only
thought is "If there's a god, please let this be a teabag"
%
Sign on a dock in Juneau, Alaska: 

     "Safety ladder, climb at own risk."
%
When I first started college, the Dean came in and said, "Good
Morning" to all of us.  When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah,
you're Freshmen."

He explained: "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say
good morning back, it's Freshmen.  When they put their newspapers down
and open their books, it's Sophomores.  When they look up so they can
see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors.
When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's
seniors."

"When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it's
graduate students."
%
A little kid was sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor, looking
very ill.  His father was reading the empty bottle which must have
contained what the boy had swallowed.

He yelled to his wife, "Noreen! It says to induce
vomiting.  Come in here and take your clothes off."
%
A guy was at a bar, and he asked a girl to dance, and every time
he twirled her around, she got one inch taller. 

He said, "What's going on?" 

She said, "You're unscrewing my wooden leg."  
%
A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend.  "It
sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed.
"But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"

"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."

His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He fell silent and she
continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous.  Fred simply will not ask
for directions."
%
What a woman says:

"This place is a mess!
C'mon, you and I need to clean,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:

"blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW"
%
From Associated Press News, Monday Jan 7 2002

  Pentagon spokesman Rear Adm. John Stufflebeem said [...] ``We're
  finding stuff, and we're attacking that stuff.''
%
A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled
by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy
income and good looks.  In fact, she realized, she had fallen head
over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.

"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there
some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"

Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched
drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried
meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for
us?"

"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.

"Oh," said the lawyer.  "Well, it was just a suggestion."
%
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."

The construction worker leans over the table, and the doctor whacks him on
the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him to the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. 
What should I do?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."
%
Just before heading to Florida for spring break, a college student
bought a skimpy bikini.  She modelled it for her mother, "How do you
like it?"

The parent stared in silence for a few moments, and then replied, "If
I had worn a bathing suit like that when I was your age, you'd be four
years older than you are right now."
%
The tour bus traveling through northern Nevada passed briefly at the
Mustang Ranch, near Sparks.  The guide noted: "We are now passing the
largest house of prostitution in America."

A male passenger shouted: "WHY?!?"
%
"In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat, 15
percent said their ass was too thin and the other five percent said
they didn't care - they would have married him anyway."
%
Did you hear about the man who was in a car accident and had to have
his whole left side amputated?

He's all right now.
%
A Priest is walking down the street a sees a small boy stretching to
reach the doorbell.  The Priest decides to help the boy out and goes
up and presses the button.  He then turns to the boy and asks, "Now
what?"  

The little boy answers by saying, "Run like hell!"
%
* warning: offensive (sex)

One day a twelve year old walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog
on a string behind him, slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and
says "I want one of your women."

The madam looks at him and says "don't you think you're a bit young
for that?"

He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "i want one of your
women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down in about twenty
minutes."

He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "she has to have
active herpes."

The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred
on the counter and says "active herpes." 

She responds, "okay, have a seat - it'll be about ten minutes." 

Ten minutes later, a woman comes out, they go upstairs (dragging this
dead frog) and do their deal.  As he's leaving, the madam asks him
"okay, so what's the deal?"

The kid replies: "When i get home, i'm going to do the babysitter,
and when mom and dad get home, dad will take the babysitter home and
do her on the way.  And when he gets back, he and mom are going to go
upstairs and do it.  And tomorrow morning after dad goes to work, the
milkman will come in and mom will do him, and he's the bastard that
ran over my frog."
%
After an exhausting 12-hour drive to our honeymoon destination.  Rob
and his new wife decided to refresh themselves with a dip in the hotel
pool.  She must have dropped a few pounds to pre-wedding jitters,
because each time she dived into the pool, she lost either the top or
bottom of her skimpy new bikini.

They had the pool to themselves, so they just laughed and retrieved
the pieces.  Later after they'd dressed for dinner, they went down to
the hotel restaurant.  Waiting for a table, they sat in the lounge and
ordered drinks.

Above the bar was a huge, empty, glistening fish tank.  Curious, Rob
asked, "Why is such a beautiful fish tank empty?"

The bartender grinned from ear to ear as he replied,

"That's not a fish tank. It's the swimming pool."
%
A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend.  By the time
he got home Saturday, the leg was very swollen and he was having
difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home.  The
doctor told him to soak it in hot water.

He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and
painful.  His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a
maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot,
for swelling."

He tried switching to cold water and the swelling rapidly subsided.

On Sunday afternoon he called his doctor again to complain.  "Say,
what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in
hot water and it got worse.  My maid told me to use cold water and it
got better."

"Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it; my maid said to
use hot water."
%
A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went
to on their honeymoon.  Driving through the secluded countryside, they
passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.

   The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here
forty years ago."

   The guy stopped the car.  His wife backed against the fence, and he
immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug.  They made love
like never before.

   Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like
that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!"

   The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't
electrified!" 
%
Hank finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break
off their engagement so that he could marry another woman.

"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked. 

"Not on her best day." Hank replied.

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.

"No, she's broke." 

"Well then, is it sex?" 

"Nope,... nobody does it like you, babe."

"Then what is it?? What can she do for you that I can't?" 

"She can sue me for child support!" 
%
A guy comes home one evening from the office filled with desire;
during his driving he keeps thinking how he's going to make love to
his wife.

As soon as he arrives, undresses in the hall, jumps in bed over his
sleepy wife, and makes love in all the imaginable ways.

Exhausted he crawls to the bathroom, where he finds his wife.

"What are you doing here?" he yells.

"Softer, please, darling.  You will wake up my mother."
%
Bill had always been a prankster.  As each of his friends were
married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon
them.  Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he
knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up
during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be
married'.  His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or smoke-bombs,
and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect
working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even
checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved).
Nothing, it seemed, was amiss.  Satisfied that he had come away
unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room
service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make that five."
%
* warning: offensive

Q: What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?

A: You can drop her off anywhere.
%
When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her
ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors.  Since I
am an attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.

Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son
is a lawyer."  As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the
services of an attorney.

"Only to mow my lawn," she said.
%
Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing
weekends in their motor home.  When they found their peace and quiet
disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers,
they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.

Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their
RV:

"Insurance agent.  Ask about our term-life package."
%
* warning: sexist

Yesterday Scientists in The USA revealed that beer contains small
traces of female genes.

To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed
that 100% of them started talking rubbish and couldn't drive.
%
Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back
streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon.  As it turns closer towards
dusk, the increasing darkness of the streets starts making the two
girls a little nervous when one girl leans over to the other and says,
"You know I've never come this way before."

The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones."
%
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not
important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying
me so much money.  What's important is that you continue to do so.
%
* warning: blonde joke

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make
room for a new skyscraper.  Due to its proximity to other buildings it
could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a
skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft.  They decided
that they should call the police.  When the police arrived they
directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed
and standing upright.  They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or
somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any
more, they had to know who they had found.  They called the police and
said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we
want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of
important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
%
Jones jumped up from the card table white with rage.

"Stop this game," he shouted, "Smith is cheating!"

"How do you know?"

"He's not playing the hand I dealt him!"
%
	"You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
when I was young!"
	"Why, what did she tell you?"
	"I don't know, I didn't listen."
%
Q: What's the difference between oral and rectal thermometers?
A: The taste.
%
     A pretty young lady was driving into the backcountry to shop 
for some antiques.  It was warm and she stopped at a pond to wet 
her face.  The water seemed very pleasant, so she decided to take 
a little swim.  
     Undressing, she got into the water and was enjoying the pond 
very much when a local fellow, about her age, happened to come along.  
He stopped to enjoy the view.  
     After a moment the young girl emerged from the water and saw 
him.  It was too far to run for her clothes on the bank, so she 
looked around for some cover.   Seeing a rusty old frying pan in the 
sand, she picked it up and positioned in front of herself.  The 
young man smiled.  She said accusingly, "Don't you dare do anything, 
whatever you're thinking!"
     The fellow said, "I wasn't thinking anything.  But I know what 
you're thinking.  You're thinking that pan has a bottom to it!"
%
The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual
event that happened during the past week.  Little Johnny got up and
read his essay.

It began: "Daddy fell into the well last week..."

"My goodness!" the teaher exclaimed.  "Is he all right?"

"He must be," said the boy.  "He stopped yelling for help 
yesterday."
%
Real newspaper ads:

Do something special for your Valentine - have your septic tank pumped.

Bill's septic cleaning - "We haul American made products."

Hummels - largest selection ever - "If it's in stock, we have it!"

Get a little John - the traveling urinal - holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer.

President's choice - cow manure - 2  33lb bags - $5

Georgia peaches - California grown - 89 cents lb.

Whirlpool built-in oven: frost free!
%
	A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing
the consequences and implications of a married man's having a
mistress.

        The sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and
categorically unforgivable for a married man to forfeit the bond of
matrimony, and engage in such lowly and lustful pursuits.

	The psychologist's opinion was that although morally
reprehensible, if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full
potential as a human being, then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose
to have a mistress, as long as he is considerate enough to keep this
secret from his wife.

	The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if
necessary, a married man is entitled to a mistress.  However, I do not
see why the affair should be concealed from the wife.  On the
contrary, if the affair is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he
may tell his wife that he is going to see his mistress, tell his
mistress that he is going to be with his wife, then go to his office
and get some work done!"
%
Actual newspaper headlines:

MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS 
    - The Anchorage Alaska Times

GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "PEN IS"] 
    - The New Haven Connecticut Register

THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON 
    - The Arkansas Plainsman

CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS 
    - Bangor Maine News

STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION 
    - The Washington Times

CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL 
    - The Bosnia Bugle

ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX 
    - San Antonio Rose

TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS 
    - The Miami Herald

MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING 
    - The New Haven Connecticut Register

WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN?  ABSOLUTELY! 
    - The Houston Chronicle
%
An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a
clunking noise when going around corners.  He took the car out for a
test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk.
Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this
note: 'Removed bowling ball from trunk.'
%
A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.  

The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"

The guy says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
%
Everybody's heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret
base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very
surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.  They
immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an
interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and
spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.  The Air
Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him
overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was
lost and wasn't a spy.  They gassed up his air- plane, gave him a
terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of
spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way
on such-and- such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna
showed up again.  Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only
this time there were two people inside.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but
my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last
night!"
%
Agence France Presse News, Feb 21 2002 

In a bone of contention between man and beast the Latvian interior
ministry spends 71 percent more on feeding each of its guard dogs than
its troops, officials said Thursday.

   "In Latvia no one makes dog food, so we have to import it while for
the soldiers we buy produce from local farmers which turns out to be
much cheaper," interior ministry spokesman Normunds Belskis told AFP.

   As no Latvian firms manufacture dog food, the ministry imports it
from France at a cost of 1,395 lats (2,500 euros/2,175 dollars) per
dog per year, while it spends only 817 lats (1,460 euros/1,275
dollars) per soldier for food per year.

   "We feed our dogs in accordance with EU standards," said an officer
at ministry's canine unit, who asked not to be named.
%
There is a little Mercedes 280 SL in Toronto being driven by a
gorgeous blonde and the plate reads:

WAS HIS
%
The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he was
resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate.

After the service, a very distraught lady came to the pastor with
tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much.
We don't want you to leave!"

The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said "Now, now, Carolyn,
don't carry on.  The pastor who takes my place might be even better
than me".

"Yeah", she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice,
"That's what they said the last time too . . . "
%
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his
daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.  He drove to
the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How
much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The manager replied, "Which one?  We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for
$19.95, 'Barbie goes to the ball' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes shopping'
for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the
nightclub' for $19.95, and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?"
Dad asked, surprised.

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat and
Ken's furniture."
%
On the evening of their wedding night, a young couple finally retired
to their hotel room.  After making her preparations, Bessie, the bride
left the bathroom to find Morris, the bridegroom , with his Tallis and
yarmulke in front of the bed.

"So what are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm praying for guidance" answered the religious young man.

"I'll take care of that," she replied.  "You pray for endurance."
%
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden.

Boy: It's very kind of you, darling.  But I don't have any worries or
troubles.

Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
%
The clerk requested identification from a department store customer
who had just written a personal check for her purchase.

After fumbling through her purse, she presented him with what she said
was the only thing that bore both her name and address.

It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.
%
On a wall in the ladies room: 'My husband follows me everywhere'
Written just below it: 'I do not'
%
The young Farmer Brown made an appointment with the family doctor
regarding sexual problems he was having with his wife.
 
"Now listen, Luke," the doctor advised, "you have to be more loving to
your wife.  Give her lots of hugs and kisses.  Show her how much you
care."
 
"Well, I do the best I can, Doc," the fellow cried.  "You see I'm up
before the sun rises, working in the field until dusk.  I'm just too
tired."
 
The doctor thought for a moment and then said, "Take a shotgun with
you next time you work in the field and shoot it off every time you're
feeling a bit frisky.  When your wife hears the noise, she'll come
a-runnin'."
 
About a month later Farmer Brown went back to the doctor.... this time
really depressed.
 
"What's wrong" asked the doctor.  "Didn't you take my advice?"
 
"Yep, I sure did, and everything was going great until hunting season
started last week," moaned the farmer.  "I haven't seen her since."
%
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the
policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long,
painful groan.  He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up
on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard.  It isn't
that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist.  "Then you know what happened to my
boat and trailer?"
%
A guy has a horny parrot.  It's terrible.  Every time he reaches into
the cage, the bird humps his arm.  He invites his mother to tea, and
the bird keeps saying foul things.  Finally he takes the parrot to a
vet.
 
The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny
male parrot.  I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen
dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."
 
The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on!  Come on!  What are
you waiting for?"
 
Finally, the guy says "All right" and hands over the fifteen dollars.
 
The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird,
closes the curtain.
 
Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!"  Feathers come flying out of the cage.
 
The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens the
curtain.
 
The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with
one claw.  With the other claw he's pulling out all her feathers.
He's saying, "For fifteen bucks, I want you naked.  Naked!"
%
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of
seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a
fire at the factory that makes them.
%
So I rang up AT&T, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller".
He said "Not you again".
%
Cos it's strange, isn't it.  You stand in the middle of a library and
go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.  But you do the
same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
%
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert
island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle
lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.  Rushing to the bottle,
he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.

"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found
it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
%
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year,
depending on the benefit's package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of
5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental,
company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company
car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!!  Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
%
Two men discussing sexual abilities...

"Can you tell how good a lover you are?"

"No, but I sure would like to know!"

"A woman should be so exhausted after sex that she should fall asleep"

"I guess I must be a great lover then, cause my women fall asleep in
the middle of it!"
%
A men was bragging about his sister who disguised herself, as a man
and joined the army.

"But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with
the boys and shower with them too.  Won't she?"

"Sure," replied the man.  "Well, won't they find out?"

The man shrugged.  "But who'll tell?"
%
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from
all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.  Feeling the
heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf and dumb person
for this job; if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to
communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000.  He
gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.
The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some
of their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is.  The
deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy
to an interpreter.

The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's da money?"

The deaf signs, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the hood,"He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about"

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf
collector.  "NOW ask him where the money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf signs, "The $50,000 is in the tree stump in the NE part of
Central Park near the pond."

The interpreter looks to the hood and says, "He says you don't have the
balls to pull the trigger."
%
    A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be
sitting next to each other in the local diner.  One turned to the
other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election?
Because of my 'personal touch.'  For example, I always tip waitresses
really well and then ask them to vote for me."

    "Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and
ask them to vote for you."
%
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy
intersection.  Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a
woman rushed to help him.  When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a
man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all
right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

        The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse
and prepared to administer artificial respiration.  At this point she
tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about
calling a doctor, I'm already here."
%
Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy,
one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle
on one consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of
the gift in the church paper.

"Gladly," responded the good man.

When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder
turned at once to the "appreciation" column.  There he read:
"The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift
of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."
%
A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her
shepherd a drink.  As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra
good whisky, being fourteen years old.

"Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully,
"It's very small for its age."
%
A young woman gets out of the shower, she wraps a towel around her
form and tells her husband that he can get into the shower now.  As he
enters the shower, the door bell rings.  The wife says she'll get the
door and goes downstairs.

When she opens the door, she sees her neighbor, Bill, whose mouth
opens wide at the sight of her shimmering form.  He pulls out 2 new
hundred dollar bills and tells her that they are hers if she just lets
the towel fall to her waist.  She thinks "Why not!" and drops the
towel down and takes the money.
 
Bill gasps at the sight and shows her 2 more hundreds and offers them
if she just lets the towel go altogether.  She thinks she has come
this far so what the heck and drops the towel to the ground.  Bill
looks for a minute, thanks her and leaves.

When she got back upstairs, her husband had completed his shower and
asks her who was at the door.  She says "just Bill".  

The husband replies, "did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?".
%
Once Mrs JimJr & I had to take a flight that had 4 other stops before
arriving at the Dallas-Forth Worth Airport.

At the first stop, a little white truck drove up to the plane and Mrs
JimJr watched it pull up to the wing.  She asked, "What's that truck
doing?"

I explained that some airlines don't completely fuel up a plane for
various reasons & we were taking on more fuel for the next layover.

This process was repeated at the next three stops, & Mrs JimJr watched
the plane being fueled each time.

At the last stop, I said, "Ya know, in spite of all these delays,
we're making pretty good time."

Mrs JimJr pointed out the window & said, "I don't know -- that lil'
white truck's keeping right up with us.
%
"I'm so worried," the nervous patient said as the nurse plumped up his
pillows.  "Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital
because of heart trouble, and he died of malaria."

"Relax," the nurse said smiling.  "This is a first-rate hos- pital.
When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble."
%
* very long, but cannot be cut

	A day in the life of a grad student

  6:30am  Wakeup and lie awake in Bed
  6:31    Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner, means no eating out
          for the next 6 weeks
  6:32    Hit snooze button.  Go back to sleep.
  7:00    Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you realize you didn't hit
          the snooze button--you turned it off.
  7:01    fall asleep again.
  7:44    Wake up with heart in mouth again.
  7:45    Ready to go to school, will shave tommorrow, will eat early brunch at
          (Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko's whatever cafeteria).
  8:03    Arrive at school
          Realize your foreign officemate arrived earlier today
          must have got more work done
  8:04    Pass by Advisor's office, chat with Secretary to find out if he is
          coming in today. He is, darn.
          Need to start work on the draft due this afternoon.
  8:15    Read electronic mail
  8:20    Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201 regarding questions
          about the class.
          Hate your TA job.
          Depression: too much work to do today
  9:00    For jumpstart: go to Pepsi machine.
  9:05    Kick Pepsi machine; promise yourself to call up the company
          and ask for your money back.
          Wonder why they would beleive you.
  9:33    Start printing out loads of stuff that may be vaguely related to
          your work.
  9:41    Early morning stupefaction.
          Mutter racist comments to yourself about your officemate.
  9:43    Curse your officemate in a low tone he would not comprehend.
          Feel good about him not grasping English well.
  9:58    Finger everyone in the department and most people half way
          around the world (using the "finger" command, of course)
  10:19   Feel sleepy, should not have stayed late playing tetris last night.
  10:31   momentary panic attack!!!!!!!!!!!!
  10:43   edit .plan file. write a shell program to edit .plan more easily
  10:59   Drop in at advisor's office and borrow something you dont need
          & and kinda make him aware you are working hard on your project.
  11:05   perverted daydreams
  11:11   read electronic news
          mid-morning yawn time
  11:34   Start typing junk at a very high key-in rate to pretend
          you are working hard as your advisor passes by from outside.
  11:35   Press the BackSpace key for one and a half minute until all
          the garbage you typed in is erased.
          Realize that you can type more than 256 characters per half minute
  11:41   Flirt with the new girl in the department
  11:45   Print out some slides for afternoon's draft + presentation
  11:47   Print them again, you forgot to change the date from last
          presentation
  11:49   Print another copy in case this one gets lost
  11:51   Completely forget about sueing the coffee-machine company
  12:15   Hunger pangs:
  12:20   BigMac/Fries time
          Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola from your desk.
          Ch-Ching, you just saved 35 cents by buying bulk cola.
  1:00    Group Meeting with advisor
  1:14    sudden awareness of one's shallowness
          resentment towards foriegn officemate for sucking up to your advisor
          Get reminded by your advisor that you need to do some more work
          for your literature survey.
  1:51    Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your draft for corrections
  1:51:02      The 49 second urge to murder advisor begins!!
  1:51:52      Realize that he controls your assistantship/grade/
               graduation possiblity/graduation date/all job opportunities/
               and the rest of your life.
  1:52:53      Thank him
  1:52:54      Thank yourself for not saying something stupid to your advisor.
  1:53:00      splitting headache #1
  1:59  Check electronic mail, don't reply though, you are too busy to do that
  2:06  More generic cola
  2:17  Oh No, it is my turn to cook tonite :-(
  2:30  Sit through the class you were told to sit through
  2:39  Look outside the window make unrealistic plans to quit
        this degree program and take up a job.
        Wonder why blonde girls are so pretty.
  2:48  More perverted day-dreams.
        Close the office door and open a few .gif files.
        sharpen pencil
  3:06  worry about never graduating
        time to write a letter--NOT!  no time for that.
        rearrange desk
        call up bank; see if you have any money
        fear of losing aid next Fall
        Read latex manuals to figure out how to put &$%&% in %$^% format
  3:43  watch the clock
        make plans to do a all-nighter tonite
        Vow to watch only 2 TV programs
  4:58  Notice Advisor leave
  4:58:01      Sudden sense of freedom
               Go home for quick, short dinner break.
  9:00pm Come into the office
  9:01pm The hard working grad student you are, you have to come to the
         office late at night to "get the work done"
  9:03  Check electronic mail
        Decide it would be a good time to attack those ftp sites
        since network wont be loaded
        Run into "since network wont be loaded" traffic and get the
        pictures into your machine.
        Compress all unwanted research/class directories to make space.
        Back up all your pictures
  10:11 Admire pictures
        Begin work; Realize you need references
        Realize its too late today to go to the library
        Sudden feeling of having wasted the day
  10:49 Sudden feeling of possibly having to waste the night
        Decide to turn in early and come back very early tommorrow morning
        Decide to play a Tetris on the system to put yourself in a good mood.
  11:15 Play game after game after game to improve your score and
        get on the scoreboard.
        Realize that your officemate is still at number 6, two notches
        above you on the scoreboard.
  12:20 Play until you beat your officemate into the 7th place.
        A sense of achievment!! Yes, today was not wasted!!
        Return home to find your roommate watching David Letterman reruns
        on NBC.  Tell him about the "hard working grad student day you had"
        Discuss philosophy with roommate
  1:09  Think about becoming a philosopher and dining with 4 others
        (The Dining Philosophers problem, hee hee :-)  (Comp Sci joke)
        Argue with him about politics, why people prefer Japanese
        cars and whether it is better to set the heat to "hot" or "cold"
        to defrost the windshields faster.
  1:49  Realize neither of you have bought milk today
        Get reminded of the "too much milk problem"
  2:04  Forget about getting up early. Turn the phone ringer off
        and go to sleep.
%
CNET News.com, April 1, 2002

A Web site sponsored by Microsoft and Unisys as a way to steer big
companies away from the Unix operating system is itself powered by
Unix software.

The site, dubbed "We Have The Way Out," runs on Web servers powered by
FreeBSD, an open-source version of Unix, along with the Unix-based Web
server Apache, according to Netcraft, which tracks Web site
information.  Both pieces of software compete with Microsoft's Windows
operating system.  The Microsoft/Unisys site solicits names and
contact information in exchange for research reports on data center
trends.

Officials at Unisys and Microsoft weren't immediately available for
comment.
%
A goose goes to the job centre, queues up and is finally seen by one
of the staff.

"Good day," says the goose, "I'm looking for employment, can you help
me?"

The man gasps in amazement then quickly replies, "Yes, of course I
can. Give me 24 hours and I promise I will have you a job."

The goose goes away to leave the man phoning all the local circus acts
frantically trying to offload a talking goose.

The next day, the goose arrives bright and early, "how have you done
then?" asks the goose.

"Super," replies the man "I have the perfect job with a circus.  All
you do is perform once a night and you get full board and as much food
as you like."

"That's no good to me." Replies the goose.

"Why?" asks the man.

"Because I'm an electrician."
%
The Port Authority of New York and New Jersey has approved $31.7
million for the soundproofing of schools near airports in New Jersey
and New York.  Then one reads where $2.6 million of that money will
go: the Lexington School for the Deaf in Jackson Heights.
%
The plumber shows up to fix the sink.  In a rush to get out the door
the home owner sputters out a few last minute instructions for him.
"Make sure to pick up your mess and lock the door on the way out.
Don't worry about the dog, he's harmless, but what ever you do for
god's sake don't talk to the bird!"

As the plumber enters the kitchen and starts spreading out his tools
he sees a two hundred pound rotweiler staring lazily up at him from a
rug on the floor.

In the corner is a caged parrot.  A few minutes into his task the parrot
shouts out "Hey you'r kinda fat." 

The plumber ignores him.  A couple minutes later the parrot says "Hey
fat ass, Polly wants a cracker!"

The plumber continues to ignore the bird.  Finally after thirty strait
minutes of verbal abuse the man can take no more.  The parrot says
"You sure are a fat bitch.  I've never seen such a large ass."

Jumping to his feet with a pipe wrench in hand the plumber says "hey
you know, you're kind of a wise ass for an animal that has a brain the
size of a pea.

The bird stares at him for a moment and then yells "SICKEM SPIKE!  GET
HIM!  KILL KILL!"
%
Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard
over the radio at an airport control tower:

Helicopter Pilot: "Tower, I'm holding at 3000 feet over
Heli-pad 1."

Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at
3000 over that pad!"

There was a brief moment of silence.

First voice again: "You idiot! You're my co-pilot!"
%
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?  Laundry workers
could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted!  Even
more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased,
landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded,
organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested,
the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will
eventually decompose.  On a more positive note though, perhaps we can
hope politicians will be devoted.
%
Suspicious, this scam that's supposedly surfaced in Australia and
exists beyond criminal prosecution.  A company takes out a newspaper
ad, offering to supply hardcore sex videos at ridiculously cheap
prices.  Only cheques are accepted.

After several weeks, the company writes each customer, explaining that
existing laws prevent them from supplying the titles.  Each note is
accompanied by a cheque for the total amount paid.  But few customers
ever present the reimbursement cheque to their bank.  It's written on
the colorful, distinctive draft of the Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion
Company.
%
A husband, owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his
wife to drive his precious possession, even to the grocery store which
was a few blocks from the house.  After she insisted, he finally
relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an
accident, the newspaper will print your age!"
%
I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket.

I asked "What do you want?"  

"A match"  

"Why didn't you ask me?"  

"I don't talk to strangers."
%
From Cnet news, Fri Apr 13

The owners of coveted billboard space in Times Square are trying to
tangle the makers of the "Spider-Man" movie in their own web of woes.

Alleging a litany of violations ranging from trespassing and piracy to
deceptive trade practices, Sherwood 48 Associates and Super Sign have
sued Sony and other companies involved in making and distributing the
upcoming "Spider-Man" movie for digitally superimposing advertisements
for other companies over their billboard space in the film.

In its suit, Sherwood and Super Sign allege they've lost revenue
because their Times Square billboard space becomes less desirable if
the companies can't guarantee exclusive placement both on-screen and
offscreen.

"Sherwood has not authorized defendants or anyone to distort the
appearance" of the area, alleges the suit, filed Monday in New York
federal court.
%
From Slashdot, Apr 16, 2002

The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office has granted patent (6,368,227) to
a Mr. Steven Olson for inventing the method of swinging sideways on a
swing.  

Actual quotes from the claim: "inducing a component of forward and
back motion into the swinging motion, resulting in a swinging path
that is generally shaped as an oval.  [...]  The user may even choose
to produce a Tarzan-type yell while swinging in the manner described,
which more accurately replicates swinging on vines in a dense jungle
forest.  Actual jungle forestry is not required."
%
Newspaper ad:

Young lady, pretty, blonde, sexy, free, 90/60/90, horny, exotic,
has one 1993 Chevy Truck for sale.
%
A worried-looking gentleman hurried into a florist shop and asked for
potted chrysanthemums.

"I'm sorry, Sir," replied the clerk, "we're out of chrysanthemums.
How about geraniums?"

"No, that just won't do," answered the gentleman.  "I promised my wife
I would water her chrysanthemums while she was gone."
%
Two women were talking about their new milkman:

"He's very good looking, punctual and dresses so smartly" said one.

"And so quickly too!" said the other.
%
When police were unable to get anyone to answer the door so they could
execute a search warrant at a London address, Constable Dean
Cunnington borrowed a mail carrier's uniform hoping to fool the
occupants.  Cunnington approached the door to the building and
knocked.  According to the Guardian newspaper, when a female voice
inside asked who was there, Cunnington answered without hesitation,
"It's the police."
%
A new department store announced that it was going to give out free
TVs to the first 100 people who came to the store on its Grand Opening
Day.

The store was scheduled to open at 9:00 am, but people were already
camped out in front of the store by 6:00 am, determined to receive
their free TV.

When it was almost 9:00 am, a little old man walked up to the front of
the line, and casually stepped in front of the first man in line, a
big, burly man who had been there since 6:00 am.  The big guy wasn't
about to let this old guy cut in front of him, so he pushed the old
man out of his way with all of his might!

The little old man got up, dusted himself off, and walked in front of
the big burly man a second time.

Once again, he was pushed away by the big man, yet he got up, dusted
himself off again, and stepped between the big, burly man and the door
a third time!

This kept happening until finally, a policeman heard the noise and
rushed over to hear what the fight was about.

"Well," said the big burly man, "I was here at the front of the line
since early this morning, and this old man had the nerve to just push
in front of me to the head of the line!"

When asked to tell his side of the story, the little old man replied,
"What that man said is correct. I did push in front of him several
times, and if he keeps shoving me away, I'm not going to open the
store!"
%
       Two men went into a diner and sat down at the counter.  They
ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs, and started
to eat them.

       The owner saw what was going on and approached the men.  "You
can't eat your own sandwiches in here," he complained.  The two men
stopped, looked at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches.
%
A mother was worried that her three-year-old son was unusually
precocious, and took him to a psychiatrist.

"Right," said the shrink, "We'll just try a few simple tests."  To the
boy, he said "Say a few words - anything that comes into your mind."

The boy turned to his mother and asked, "Does he want logically
constructed sentences or just a few random and purely isolated words?"
%
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.

Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest,
most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I
don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.
%
One afternoon, little Johnny came running into the house and asked,
"Mommy, can little girls have babies?" 

"No," said his mom, "of course not.  Only grown women can be mommies."

Little Johnny thought for a moment, said "Okay, thanks mom", then ran
back outside.  His mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we
can play that game again!"
%
I left Los Angeles heading toward Las Vegas, when I decided to stop at
a comfort station.  The first stall was occupied, so I went into the
second one.  I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next
stall:

"Hi, how are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort
stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway,
I answered, a little embarrassed:

"Not bad."

And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"

Talk about your dumb questions!  I was really beginning to think this
was too weird!  So I said:

"Well, just like you I'm driving east."

Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back,
there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am
asking you."
%
This fellow had owned this large farm for several years.  He had a
large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice, picnic tables,
horse shoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for
swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't
been there for a while and look it over. As he neared the pond, he
heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.  As he came closer he
saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.  He made
the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of
the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
or get you out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators!"
%
* warning: sort of ethnic

A tourist driving through the Deep South passes a young boy walking
along wearing only one shoe.

The tourist stops his car and asks the boy, "Did you lose a shoe?"

"Nope," the boy replies. "Found one."
%
My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns to
me for advice.  Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his head
in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"

"That's up to you," I replied.  "There's all kinds of food.  Why don't
you pretend I'm not at home?"

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang.  I answered it to hear my
husband asking, "Yeah, hi, Honey.  Uh, what should I feed Lily for
lunch?"
%
A saleswoman from a major condom company was required to travel
cross-country to meet a perspective buyer.  Her boss asked her to take
about 100 condoms of various types with her.  As she was running late
for her flight, she simply stuffed them all into her briefcase.

The cab ride to the airport was delayed by traffic and she had just
enough time to throw her ticket at the counter and run onto the plane.
As she jumped into the airplane, she dropped her briefcase and all the
condoms flew out all over the floor in front of all the passengers and
crew.  They all stared amazed at the display and then looked to the
woman who said sheepishly, "I'm meeting a new client."
%
When does a woman REALLY enjoy a man's company?

When he owns it. 
%
      The married business executive had to make a trip to
Palm Beach alone for his corporation.  After a few days he was
enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week
as part of his vacation.

      Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he sent
an email to his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane for a fun
week on me.  Bring my wife and your mistress."

      His friend was quick to email back: "Your wife and I
arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m.  How long have you known about us?
%
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband's snoring.
She called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was
anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

 "Well, there is one operation I can perform
 that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive.

It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months,
 plus payments for extras."

 "My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like
leasing a new sports car!"

 "Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
%
The farmer showed the city labourer how to milk the cows and
sent him into the fields.
   
"How many did you milk?" he asked when the labourer came back.
   
"Twenty, but there's one thing..."
   
"What's that?"
   
"I think you should have given me a bucket."
%
Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all
aspects of their future.

"What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a
house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who
might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her
age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."
%
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman
in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.

"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."
%
A high-priced call girl brings a customer to her fancy apartment.  He
admires the fancy furnishings and the art and asks how she was able to
amass such splendor.  She replies that those really were her Father's,
that he was a politician for forty years.

He said, "How come you didn't follow in his footsteps instead of
choosing this way of life ?"

She sighed and said, "Oh, just lucky I guess.  Besides, I had my moral
standards to uphold."
%
   The pastor told his study group, "Next week I plan to go over the story
about the sin of lying.  To help you understand, I want you all to read
Leviticus 28."

   The following week, as he prepared to deliver his lesson, the pastor
asked for a show of hands.  He wanted to know how many had read Leviticus
28.  Every hand went up.  The pastor smiled and said, "Leviticus only goes
through 27.  I will now proceed with my lesson on the sin of lying."
%
At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang.  "Is this the 
veterinary?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats
on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to
sleep.  What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently
replied:

"Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"
%
Why are New Yorkers always depressed?

The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.
%
* warning: religion involved

Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 

"Well, mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines
on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.  When he got
to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the
people walked across safely.  Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio
headquarters for reinforcements.  They sent bombers to blow up the
bridge and saved the Israelites."

"Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother
asked.

"Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never 
believe it."
%
Q: What is the difference between the inlaws and the outlaws ?

A: Only the outlaws are wanted.
%
A forester went to consult a property owner to determine boundary
lines.  Walking up a dirt road he encountered signs that read: "No
Trespassing," "Beware of Dog," and "Keep Out... This Means You!"
Finally arriving at the door, he talked with the congenial,
cooperative landowner.  When the forester was ready to leave, the man
said to him:

"Come and see me again sometime.  I don't get many visitors up this
way."
%
Famous last words:

"Unfortunately I can not totally agree with comrade Stalin."
%
"Someday I'd like a little brother," a boy mused to a friend,
"there's only so much you can blame on a dog."
%
Q: Why do men get married?

Q: So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore. 
%
* gratuitous ethnic references

In an apparent copycat terrorist act, Polish terrorists Stosh and
Yonko Binladenski have hijacked a Goodyear Blimp.  So far, they have
bounced off of 5 buildings.  
%
I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in, I noticed two
pretty girls looking at me.  "Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.
Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him
a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I waslked in,
they were speaking German."
%
	Sign in a Laundromat:
Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes 
when the light goes out

	Sign in a London department store:
Bargain basement upstairs

	Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE: 
50p per pre-packed bag
20p do-it-yourself

	On a church door:
This is the gate of Heaven.  Enter ye all by this door. 
This door is kept locked because of the draft (please use side door.)

	Outside a photographer's studio:
Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner also

	Outside a disco:
Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town.  Everyone welcome.

	Sign warning of quicksand:
Quicksand: any person passing this point will be drowned. 
By order of the district council.

	Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals 
we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard 
to do their best to keep them in order.
%
If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage.
%
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
		-- Earl Wilson
%
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping center in the world?
		-- Richard M. Nixon
%
	Sign on motorway garage:
Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps.  Your life may not be worth
much but our petrol is.

	Notice in health food shop window:
Closed due to illness.

	Seen during a conference:
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care
on the first floor.

	Notice in a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull
charges.

	Sign on a repair shop door:
We can repair anything. 
(Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

	Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
Toilet out of order.  Please use floor below. 
%
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
%
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of
Six" in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party.  The man decides that it's time to go
home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.  He
shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
%
A woman goes to the dentist.  She sits in the chair and he leans over
to begin working on her.  She grabs him by the testicles.

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."

The woman replies, "Yes, And we're going to be careful not to hurt
each other, aren't we?"
%
Bert and Flo met in a night club one night and danced the night away.
They hit it off pretty well and soon Bert suggested they go to his
apartment for some extracurricular activity.

Well it wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making
passionate love.  As they were making love though, Bert noticed
something strange.  Flo's toes would curl up as during every
lovemaking session.

When they were done, they laid back on the bed and relaxed against the
pillows, Bert, being impressed with himself said, "I must have been
pretty good tonight.  I noticed your toes curling up every time we
made love.

Flo looked at him and smiled.  "That usually happens when someone
forgets to remove my pantyhose."
%
When a young man left his dorm and moved into an apartment, he went
shopping for cleaning equipment. His cart was loaded with a broom,
mop, dust-pan, sponges and a full array of cleaning products.  At the
last minute he topped off his cart with a single, large bag of potato
chips.

Seeing the checkout clerk's look, he explained, "I'm a very messy
eater."

%
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen
and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water,
a vital ingredient in beer."
		-- Dave Barry
%
My husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a
rather stern older man.  When Michael began a tale, which I was sure
he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table.  There was no
response, so I gave him another poke.  Still the story went on.
Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one
before, haven't I?"

We all chuckled and changed the subject.  Later, on the dance floor, I
asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.

"What do you mean?" he replied.  "I cut the story off as soon as you
kicked me."

"But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!"

Suddenly we realized what had happened.  Sheepishly we returned to our
table.  The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry.  After the second one
I figured it wasn't for me, so I passed it along!"
%
"I don't understand these complaints about the postal service. Time
was, you could put a two-cent stamp on a letter and mail it, and it
would arrive at its destination in two days.  Now you put a
thirty-four-cent stamp on a letter and it can take four to five weeks
to arrive.  Still only a penny a day!"
%
Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous
woman.  Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her.  He buys
her a drink and then another and then another.  After this and the
accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good
time."

"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am?  I don't turn into a
slut after 3 drinks, you know!"

"OK,"  replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"
%
A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar.  "Do you mind if
I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.

"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman.  "It depends how
personal it is."

"OK," the guy said.  "How many men have you slept with?" 

"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed.  "That's my
business!"

"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."
%
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the
intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please
move their cars so that we may being plowing."

Twenty minutes later another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred
students who went to move 26 cars kindly return to class."
%
* sexist

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God
asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
 
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
 
God said, "I was going to give you a companion and it would be a
woman."
 
God continues: "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes.
She will always agree with every decision you make.  She will bear
your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night
to take care of them.  She will not nag you, and will always be the
first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.  She will
never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion
whenever needed.
 
Adam asked God, "What would a woman like this cost me??"
 
God said, "An arm and a leg."

"Hmmm.  What can I get for just a rib?"
%
Two goats are out behind a movie studio, eating old movie film rolls.
One goat says to the other, "Pretty good, huh?"

The second goat says, "Yeah, but it's not as good as the book."
%
A foreign tourist is lost in New York City and finally asks someone
for directions after wandering for hours:

"Goodness gracious, could you tell me please where the subway is, or
should I just fuck off?"
%
Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to
sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might
happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now.
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him & sees the poor
guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air,
filled with hopeless desire.  Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens
the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill and gives
it to him:

- Awww, my honey is so depressed... here, take this and go to the
woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight.  And
remember that this happens only once, ok?  Don't think about it again.

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may
change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.  A few minutes
later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife & says with much
disappointment:

-She said this is not enough, she wants sixty... 

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger: 

- Damn that bitch; when she was pregnant & her husband came over here
I charged him only fifty!
%
The phone rings and their little boy, in a whisper, says, "Hello."

"Is your mommy there?"

(whisper) "Yes."

"Can I speak with her?"

(whisper) "She's busy."

"Is your daddy there?"

(whisper) "Yes."

"Can I speak with him?"

(whisper) "He's busy."

"Is there anyone else there?"

Boy: (whisper) "The fire department."

"Can I talk to one of them?"

Boy: (whisper) "They're busy."

"Is there anybody ELSE there?"

(whisper) "The police department."

"Well, can I talk to one of THEM?"

(whisper) "They're busy."

"Let me get this straight, your mother, father, the fire department
AND the police department are ALL in your house, and they're ALL busy.
WHAT are they doing?"

(whisper) "They're looking for me."
%
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on
his blind date's door.  She opened it and was as beautiful and
charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said.  "Why don't you play with
Rollo while you're waiting?"  He does wonderful tricks.  He rolls
over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms,
he'll jump through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over.  Paul
made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the
balcony railing.  Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth," he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."
%
Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in
the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and
asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs
but keeps quiet.  But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the
mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty
space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I
apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER
a woman sitting in that last stool.  Why do you persist in asking out
empty space?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty
space is never truly empty.  Virtual particles come into existance and
vanish all the time.  You never know when the proper wave function
will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows.  "Really?  Interesting.  But
couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if
you could buy HER a drink?  Never know... she might say yes."

The mathematician laughs.  "Yeah, right -- how likely is THAT to
happen?"
%
"I had the strangest dream last night," a young man told his
psychiatrist.  "I saw my mother but, when she turned around to look at
me, I noticed that she had your face.  As you can imagine, I found
this very disturbing.  In fact, I woke up immediately and couldn't get
back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come.
Then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my
appointment.  I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this
strange dream."

The psychiatrist was silent for a minute before responding:
"A Coke?  Is that a breakfast?"
%
My wife Carol and I were visiting her 95-year-old grandfather when he
asked us to take him to buy a new hat.

Carol took me aside.  "I'm worried that he doesn't have enough money,
and he'll be very embarrassed," she said.

So I asked the salesperson to tell my wife's grandfather that
whichever hat he chose cost $15.  I would pay the difference.

Grandpa picked out a $60 hat and was charged $15.  After he left, I
paid the other $45.

Later he said, "What a bargain!  The last one I bought there cost me
$60.
%
It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he
needed to confess, so went to his priest.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.  During World War II I hid
Jewish man in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind.  Er, I have one more
question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
%
One fateful day, Madeleine Albright walked into a NATO meeting.
Seeing that she was the only female in the room, she asked: 
"So, Gentlemen, shall we make love or war?"

The vote was unanimous. 
%
Q: What's the difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker?

A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW. 
%
A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round
of golf together.  The man has a little dog with him and on the first
green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to
yip and stands up on its hind legs.

The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is
really talented!  What does he do if you miss a putt?"

"Somersaults," says the man.

"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible.  How many does he
do?"

"Hmmm," says the man.  "That depends on how hard I kick him in the
ass."
%
A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"

"Yes, it is," came the reply.

"Thank God!  Could you call 911 for me?  I super-glued my
finger to the phone."
%
It was spring in the old west.  The cowboys rode the still snow choked
trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.  As one cowboy's
horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming
itself in the spring sunshine.  The horse reared and the cowboy drew
his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot; I'm an
enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any
three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance.  He knew he was safely out of the
snake's striking range.  He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face
like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger,
and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm
riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house
you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the
way to the bunk house.  He dismounted on the run and went straight
inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.  He
ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles,
just like Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Really excited now, he tore down his
jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "Oh no!  I was riding the
mare!"
%
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the
stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman.  He approached her
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams.  I've known you
since you were a young boy.  And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me.  You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs.  You think you're a
rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.  Yes, I know
you."

The lawyer was stunned.  Not knowing what else to do he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do.  I've known Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster, too.  I used to babysit him for his parents.  And he,
too, has been a real disappointment to me.  He's lazy, bigoted, he has
a drinking problem.  The man can't build a normal relationship with
anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire
state.  Yes, I know him."  At this point, the judge rapped the
courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.  In a
very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if
she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
%
Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya a-going
boy ?"

The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting sweet lil' Miss
Peggy-Sue."

The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang
lantern."

"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got!"
%
Waitress:  Hawaii, sir?  You must be Hungary.

Gentleman:  Yes, Siam.  I can't Rumania long.  Venice lunch 
	    ready?

Waitress:  I'll Russia table.  What'll you Havre?  Aix?

Gent:  Whatever's ready.  But can't Jamaica cook hurry?

Waitress:  Odessa laugh!  But Alaska.

Gent:  And put a Cuba sugar in my Java.

Waitress:  Don't you be Sicily.  Sweden it yourself.  
           I'm only here to Serbia.

Gent:  Denmark my check and call the Bosphorus.  I hope
       he'll Kenya.  I don't Bolivia know who I am!

Waitress:  Canada noise!  I don't Caribbean!  You sure
           Ararat!

Gent:  Samoa your wisecracks?  What's got India?  D'you
       think this arguing Alps business?  Be Nice!

Waitress:  Don't Kiev me that Boulogne!  Alamein do!
           Spain in the neck.  Pay your check and beat
           it.  Abyssinia!
%
A tip for all the marrried men out there:

If you're ever at a party and want to leave, just pick the most
attractive woman there and begin what appears to be an intimate
conversation.
%
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.  As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control
for a television set in her purse.  "Do you always carry your TV
remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied.  "But my husband refused to come shopping with me,
so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
%
During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema
prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained
sitting.

The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit
down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up...

The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know
what to do.  His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound
98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple.
The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the
actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a
representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is
the tradition to stand during this prayer?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during
Shema?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

Then the rabbi said to the old man, "The congregants fight all the
time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand..."

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is our tradition!"
%
Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and
try to talk to his wife.  But as soon as he would start to say
something, his wife would say, "And just what is THAT supposed to
mean?"

Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.
%
Mrs. Speidell, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her
weight-watchers meeting.  "My husband insists I come to these meetings
because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure." she
lamented to the woman next to her.

"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?"

"He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."
%
Fred went to the annual dance at the Deaf and Dumb Institute and was
impressed by the way the members were able to feel the vibration, the
rhythm and beat of the music.  He spotted an attractive girl and with
gestures and signs asked her to dance.  She nodded and they were soon
whirling around the floor.  After a bracket of numbers he made signs
of drinking.  She nodded and he took her arm and they headed for the
bar.  On the way a young man tapped the woman on the shoulder.

"What's this?" he said, "I thought you were going to have a drink with
me?"

"I intend to," she answered, "as soon as I can get rid of this deaf
and dumb bastard."
%
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each
time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.  When the jar was
filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started
to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had
done.

"What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of
olives."
%
Guy I knew was sitting at his computer chuckling away one morning.  I
asked what was so funny.

He said, "I just found out my neighbor is paying $ 100 a nite to sleep
with my wife, and I get it for nothing."
%
	Phases of a Project:
(1)	Exultation.
(2)	Disenchantment.
(3)	Confusion.
(4)	Search for the Guilty.
(5)	Punishment of the Innocent.
(6)	Distinction for the Uninvolved.
%
The bride came down the aisle, and when she reached the altar the
groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side.

She said, "Dear, what are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going
to take all day, is it?"
%
An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp.
 
"Am I glad to see you," he said, "I've been lost for three days."
 
"Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied.  "I've been
lost for three weeks."
%
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked
%
        The choir soloist was practicing in the church by the open
window.  After an hour or so of singing, she stepped outside for a
breath of fresh air and noticed the gardener doing some weeding in the
bed of roses nearby.  "How did you like my execution?"  the soloist
asked.

        The gardener replied, "I'm in favor of it."
%
A woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it
would cost $2.40 for fast delivery or $1.30 for slower service.

"There is no hurry," she told the clerk, "just so the package is
delivered within my lifetime."

The postmaster glanced at her and said, "That will be $2.40, please."
%
"Look at ME!!" boasted the fit old man, pounding a very flat and firm
stomach, having just finished 100 sit-ups before a group of young
people.

"Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why?? I don't smoke, I don't
drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after loose women!!"

He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes aglitter, "And tomorrow, I'm
going to celebrate my *95th* birthday!!!"

"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"
%
"I'm in a terrible pickle!  I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"

"I'm glad to hear that.  I was afraid you might have some idea that
you could borrow from me."
%
From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated
that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked
to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason.
The best submissions:

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always
see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a
wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging
out.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

REMOTE CONTROL - female...  Ha!  You thought I'd say male.  But
consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
%
* semi-sexual material

Ahmed was a high ranking official in King Akbar's court.  However he
had one long standing wish - to suck the queen's voluptuous breasts to
his mind's desire.  Every time he passed the queen he would get
frustrated.  He revealed his desire to Birbal one day, and begged him
to do something about it.

Birbal, after much thought, agreed on the condition that Ahmed could
suck the breasts to his desire but later he would have to pay Birbal
1000 gold coins for it.  Ahmed agreed.

The next day Birbal prepared a high voltage itching lotion and poured
it into the queen's bra while she was taking a bath.  Soon the itching
started and grew in intensity much to the king's anxiety.

Consultations with doctors and Birbal revealed that a special saliva,
if applied for four hours, would cure it.  Birbal also added that such
a saliva was only in Ahmed's mouth.

Akbar summoned Ahmed and for the next 4 hours Ahmed violently sucked
the queen's breasts.  Licking, biting, pressing, playing he got what
he always desired.

Satisfied he returned back and met Birbal, but in his lust and since
his mission was over he refused to pay Birbal anything and in fact
shooed him away.

Ahmed of course knew that Birbal could never report this matter to the
emperor since he was instrumental in it himself.

What Ahmed did not know that the next day Birbal would duly put that
lotion in Emperor Akbar's underwear.
%
I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another.  I said,
"Let's go back to my place."

She said, "Oh, do you have cable?"

I said, "No... But I have some old ropes that should do just fine.
%
An FBI agent is interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been
robbed 3 times successively by the same bandit.  The FBI agent asks,
"Did you notice anything special about the man?"

"Yes, he was better dressed each time."
%
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
%
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
%
Mrs. Ford sobbed to her maid, "Oh dear, I think my husband is having
an affair with his secretary."

"I can't believe that!" said the maid.  "You're just saying that to
make me jealous!"
%
A man has to take a business trip overseas so he entrusts his best friend
with the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary
should occur, his friend was to notify him immediately. After about a week
with no contact, the businessman received a telegram containing only one
sentence.

"The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday."
%
A little kid  runs into the kitchen, crying. His mother asks, 
"Johnny, why are you crying?" 
   Kid cries, "Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!" 
   Mother says, "You shouldn't cry because of that. You should laugh." 
   "I did!" 
%
      A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger
and heavier than he.  On the way to the cleaning shed, the fisherman ran
into a second fisherman who had a string of a dozen baby minnows.  The
second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman,
and asked, "Only caught the one, eh?"
%
It has been reported that the Ferrari F1 Team fired their entire
Pit-Crew yesterday.  The announcement was followed by Ferrari's
decision to take advantage of the UK Governments "Work For the Dole"
scheme and hire unemployed youths from the Manchester area.  The
decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how
unemployed youth in the Manchester area can remove a set of car wheels
in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment where as Ferrari's
existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds.

This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari
management.  As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would
have an advantage over every team.

However Ferrari expectations were easily exceeded, while during the
crews first practice session; not only were the 'Manchester Boyz' able
to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had
resprayed, rebadged, and had sold the vehicle to the McLaren team.
%
We went for our annual opticians appointment the other day.  We were
waiting our turn when the eye doctor walked out with another patient.
The two of them were chatting and I couldn't help but hear their
conversation.  The Patient said, "I'm very worried about the outcome
of this operation, doctor.  I mean so much could go wrong.  What are
the chances?"

Our doctor replied, "Don't worry you won't be able to see the
difference."
%
Lovely insults, part 1

"Fine words!  I wonder where you stole them." 
- Jonathon Swift

"You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible
voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner." 
- Aristophanes

"She was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed as upholstered."
- James Matthew Barrie

"Why are we honoring this man?  Have we run out of human beings?"
- Milton Berle

"He is a self-made man & worships his creator." 
- John Bright

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
- Winston Churchill
%
Lovely insults (2)

"Atlee is a very modest man.  And with reason." - Winston Churchill

"I may be drunk madame, but in the morning I will be sober, and you
will be just as ugly." - Winston Churchill (when asked if he was drunk)

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the
same class of people." - Robertson Davies
%
Q: Why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
%
"Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
married?"

He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
I've always been especially fond of married women."
%
Spanish lawmakers debate diaper tax
Associated Press

MADRID, Spain - Opposition lawmakers called on Spain's government
Wednesday to stop taxing diapers at 16 percent, the same rate as
cigarettes and alcohol.

Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar's conservative government used to tax
feminine hygiene products at 16 percent, but recently agreed to lower
the rate to 7 percent under pressure from the Socialist Party.

Now the Socialists have set their sights on diapers, including those
used by adults, proposing they should only be taxed at 4 percent.

Socialist lawmaker Carmen Olmedo estimated the government takes in
some $125 million a year from taxing diapers - a product she says is a
necessity.

"What alternative is there?" Olmedo said. "It's ridiculous."

Also supporting the tax cut is the Spanish Federation for Large Families.

Federation President Jose Ramon Losana, who estimates his 12 children
have gone through 84,000 diapers, says big families should be rewarded
for stimulating the economy.

"When kids use diapers, they are generating gross domestic product,"
he said.
%
Lovely insults: 

"He has every attribute of a dog except loyalty." - Thomas P. Gore

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book;  I'll waste no time
reading it." - Moses Hadas

"Nature not content with denying him the ability to think, has endowed
him with the ability to write." - A.E. Housman

"His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open."
- Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)

"God was bored by him." - Victor Hugo

"He's a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off."
- Lyndon Baines Johnson (about Gerald Ford)
%
During a field exercise at Camp Lejeune, N.C., my squad was on a night
patrol through some thick brush.  Halfway through, we realized we'd
lost our map.  The patrol navigator informed us, "Our odds are 1 in
360 that we'll get out of here."

"How did you come up with that?" someone asked.

"Well," he replied, "one of the degrees on the compass has to be
right."
%
Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day
in a snappy new suit.  "Where'd you pick 'em up?"

Richard beamed.  "My old lady got them for me.  Pretty sharp, huh?"

"I'll say.  What was the occasion?"

"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug.  "I came home from
work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair
in the bedroom."
%
Q: What is the best way to brainwash somebody?
A: Stand on their enema bag.
%
Associated Press News, Oct 3

BAGHDAD, Iraq (AP) -- An Iraqi vice president offered a unique
solution to the U.S.-Iraq standoff: a duel between George W. Bush and
Saddam Hussein.  Taha Yassin Ramadan said the duel could be held at a
neutral site and with U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan as the
referee.
%
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but
couldn't get her attention.  When he was able to catch her eye, she
quickly looked away.  Finally he followed her into the kitchen and
blurted out his invitation.  To his amazement, she readily consented.

He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You
wouldn't even make eye contact."

"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."
%
There are only ten kinds of people in the world:
those who understand the binary system and those who don't.
%
Husband comes home very late and explains to his wife: "You know -
first I went to have a beer with my friends."

"Oh, my Superman" says the woman.

"And than we went to watch soccer." 

"Oh, my Superman" says the woman again.

"And then we went to grab something to eat." 

"Oh, my Superman."

"Why do you keep calling me Superman?" asks the husband.

"Because he's the only one who wears his underwear on top of his
trousers."
%
So, a guy walks into a bar, and the first thing he sees on the end of
the counter is a big old jar full of $100 bills.  Naturally curious,
he asks the bartender.  The bartender explains: "Well, we have a
little tradition at this place.  We call it the Three Challenges.  You
pay $100 to enter, and the winner takes the pot."

  "Sounds interesting," says the man.  "Kinda high stakes though.
Just what are these challenges, anyways?"

  So the bartender says "Okay, challenge number 1.  You see Bruno back
there?"  He points over the man's shoulder to the bouncer by the door,
who's built like a brick wall.  He looks like Stallone on steroids.
"Challenge number one is you gotta look Bruno in the eye, and then ya
gotta knock him out."

  The man winces.  "Sounds difficult already!  What's next?"

  "Well," says the bartender, "You see that dog that Bruno's holding?"
He looks down and sees a huge, snarling doberman with a spiked collar,
being restrained by the bouncer with a thick iron chain.  "What we do
is we lock you and the dog in the back room, and you gotta wrestle it
to the ground and pull out one of its teeth."

  "Man, that's even worse!  So what's the third challenge?"

  "Well, we got a 75 year old prostitute living upstairs named Masie.
Provided you pass the first two challenges, you gotta go up there and
satisfy her, and then you win the pot.  Ain't nobody's gotten close in
months."

  "Well," says the man, "Sounds practically impossible, if you ask me.
I think I'll save my money.  Give me a beer."

  Two hours and nine beers later, the man is piss-drunk.  He pulls out
a $100 dollar bill and stuffs it in the jar, saying "Alright, I'm in.
Lemme at 'em!"  So saying, he stumbles over to Bruno, looks him square
in the face, winds up, and punches him square in the face.  Bruno
drops in one punch.  The bartender, suitably impressed, then proceeds
to bring him and the dog into the back room, and locks the door behind
him.  All the rest of the patrons listen in hushed awe at the sounds
of horrible screams and vicious growls, along with the sounds of a
ferocious struggle.  Finally, after several long minutes, the noise
quiets down.  The bartender and the other patrons share a concerned
look, and he goes to the door and unlocks it.  The man and the dog are
both lying on the floor.  His clothes are in tatters, and the dogs fur
is matted with sweat and torn out in places.  There's blood
everywhere, and the dog is panting like crazy.  The man slowly climbs
to his feet, barely able to stand.  Then he asks the bartender,
"Alright.  Now where's that old lady what wants her tooth pulled?"
%
"Dad," said Tyrone, "I'm late for football practice.  Would you please
do my homework for me?"

The teen's father said irately: "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied the boy.  "At least you could try, right?"
%
Which kind of sex would you prefer?

To have sex with a date so ugly you had to put a bag over their head

OR

Have sex with a gorgeous date who puts a bag over your head?
%
The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio
of male to female software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1.  This
makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their
peers.  However, software types have a well-earned reputation for
being, well, a little strange.  While discussing the prospect of
working in the software industry, one woman commented to another: "The
odds are good, but the goods are odd."
%
A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground
when his neighbour strolls over.  The neighbour tries to start a
conversation several times, but the older man barely responds.
Finally, the neighbour asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women
ask.  Now I'm in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbour asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and
ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbour.  "You just say, 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say.  But what
came out was, 'Of course I do.'"
%
"My wife is a sex object.  Every time I ask for sex, she objects." 
	-- Les Dawson
%
Three new POW's came into the German camp, a Frenchman, an Englishman
and an American.  The Commandant met each of the three personally as
was customary with officers.  He explained to the three that if any of
them could name a task his men were incapable of doing, he would be
set free and escorted to a neutral country.

First the Frenchman challenged: "Build an exact replica of the Eiffel
Tower, but twice as large!"

The commandant laughed at the Frenchman, ordered his men to do so, and
in a week it was complete -- a perfect replica of the Eiffel Tower,
yet twice as big.

Next, the Englishman challenged, "Translate the original works of
Geoffrey Chaucer into Chinese!"

The Commandant sneered, and ordered his men to do so.  In one week the
task was completed, including scholarly introductions, translator's
notes, all finely engraved and leather bound.

Next, the American was challenged.  "I'll take a double Whopper with
cheese, a large order of fries, and a chocolate shake... to go."
%
This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all
strung out.  She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me.  When I woke
up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all
wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were
blood- shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my
face!  What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says,
"Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your
eyesight."
%
A young man was hauled into court for fighting. 

"Tell your side of the story," said the Judge.

"Well, I was in the phone booth talkin' to my girl when this guy wants
to use the phone.  Me and my girl had just talked for about ten
minutes when he opened the door, grabs me by the neck and tosses me
out of the booth."

"Then you got angry ?" asked the judge.

"No," the young man replied, "I really didn't get mad 'til he grabbed
my gal by the neck and threw her out, too!"
%
How do you recognise the most attractive man in a nudist colony?

He's carrying two glasses and twelve doughnuts.
%
"My love life is terrible.  The last time I was inside a woman was
when I visited the Statue of Liberty." -- Woody Allen
%
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up
out of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh?  How can I be getting a
third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second
wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made
your first wish.  Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is
the way it was before you made any wishes.  You now have one wish
left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck.  I've
always wanted to understand women.  I'd love to know what's going on
inside their heads."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared
forever, "That was your first wish, too!"
%
A girl called the police department and reported that she had been
assaulted.

The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this happen?"

She replied, "Last week."

The police then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it?"

"Well," she said, "I didn't know that I was assaulted until the check
bounced."
%
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain.  This captain was
very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all
over the world.  Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him.
He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain.  Every
morning he went through a strange ritual.  He would lock himself in
his captain's quarters and open a small safe.  In the safe was an
envelope with a piece of paper inside.  He would stare at the paper
for a minute, then lock it back up.  After, he would go about his
daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious.  Was it a
treasure map?  Was it a letter from a long lost love?  Everyone
speculated the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea.  After laying the captain's body to
rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters.
He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...

The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others.  Four
words were on the paper, two on two lines:

Port = Left
Starboard = Right
%
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences
out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its
mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of
the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a
miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow.  "Your name is written inside the cover."
%
Last Halloween, my wife was handling candy duty when a trio of
children, costumed as a witch, a pumpkin, and a princess, arrived at
the door.  She had spent some time arranging the lollipops, candy bars
and other sweets in a metal bowl and was quite proud of the results.

The three children said "Trick of Treat!", and as she presented the
bowl, they were clearly impressed.

"Whooooaaaaa!", they marvelled in unison. 

My wife beamed, offering each child two pieces of candy. 

As the children were walking away from the door, my wife overheard one
of them saying, "See, they really go for that "Whoa" thing!"
%
I've got the body of a god.....

...unfortunately it's Buddha.
%
The workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today.

They are demanding to make less money!
%
A college senior was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet
afternoon when he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the
workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the
screen.  After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the
same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.
Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help.

She replied, "It's about time!  I pressed the F1 button over twenty
minutes ago!"
%
A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus
as a lion tamer.  The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and
the man said:

"Why, yes.  My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the
world, and he taught me everything he knew."

"Really?" said the ringmaster.  "Did he teach you how to make a lion
jump through a flaming hoop?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"

"Just once," the man replied.

The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"

And the man said, "I was looking for my father."
%
My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding
to 18 holes.  Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was
mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed
away.  It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared
at me in awe.  I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other,
and behind me was a clear-cut swath over 100 yards long.

"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"
%
A man was having trouble getting his neighbour to keep his chickens
fenced in.  The neighbour kept talking about chickens being great
creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.
 
The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flowerbeds,
and he had tried everything.  His flowerbeds were in a really bad
condition.
 
Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flowerbeds were doing
great. The flowers were beginning to bloom!  So the friend asked him
how he managed to keep the birds away...  "How did you make your
neighbour keep his hens in his own yard??"
 
He replied, "Well, one night I hid a dozen eggs under a bush by my
flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbour see me gather them.  I
wasn't bothered after that."
%
	"I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
young man to his father as he prepared to leave home.  "Don't try to stop me.
I'm on my way."
	"Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father.  "Take me along!"
%
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.  One day,
when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.  As she sat by
him, he whispered, eyes full of tears:

- You know what?  You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.  When my business
failed, you were there.  When I got shot, you were by my side.  When
we lost the house, you stayed right here.  When my health started
failing, you were still by my side.  You know what?"

- What dear?  She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill
with warmth.

- I think you're bringing me bad luck.
%
I overheard one young lady in the office telling another: "Sure he's
old enough to be my Father.  But, he's also rich enough to be my
husband."
%
The travelling salesman checked into a futuristic motel.  Realizing he
needed a trim before the next day's meeting, he called down to the
desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down
the hall is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine,
inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time
the machine started to buzz and whirl.

Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed
his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures -
25 cents."  Why not?"  thought the salesman.  He paid the money,
inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out and they were
perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides
What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives-50 cents."

The salesman looked both ways, put in fifty cents, unzipped his fly
and stuck his penis into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the
salesman was able to withdraw his penis....  now with a button sewed
to the tip.
%
A man is travelling by train, in the early 1900's, and he's just dying
for a drink.  Scanning the crowd, he notices an old woman sipping from
a bottle stashed in her purse.  He worms his way over to her and asks
her to share.  "No way, Jose, this is fer my health!"

He begs a while, and she keeps refusing him what he needs.  So he
decides, finally, just to take it by force.  Snatching her bottle from
her, he downs the biggest swallow he can, and then starts coughing
like mad.  "Jeezus, lady, what's in this stuff?"

"That's my spit-bottle, I have tuberculosis!"
%
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to
each other for days.  Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of
his shirts was.

"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."

He looked confused,

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?"
I challenged.

"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."
%
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little
lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabiths?"

And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, so that he's on her level,
and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack
wabby?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says, "I
don't fink my pyfon gives a shit."
%
After booking my 80-year-old mother on a flight from Florida to
Nevada, I called the airline to go over her needs.  The representative
listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my
mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision.

My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that
everything would be taken care of.  I thanked her profusely.

"Oh, you're welcome," she replied.  I was about to hang up when she
cheerfully asked, "And will your mother need a rental car?"
%
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day
morning.  As she lay there looking forward to being brought breakfast
in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.  Finally, the
children called her to come downstairs.  She found them both sitting
at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook
our own breakfast."
%
One thing kids like is to be tricked.  For instance, I was going to
take my kids to Disneyland, but instead I drove them to an old
burned-out warehouse.

"Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down."

They cried and cried, but I think that deep down, they thought it was
a pretty good joke.
%
A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."

Trying to be funny, the daddy says "Honey, you do have a sister.  You
just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she
is always leaving through the back door."

The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my
other Daddy?"
%
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of
chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box
fell and broke open.  Chickens scurried off in different directions,
but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up
the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.  Hoping he
had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the
worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed
to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed.  "You left with
seven."
%
* American joke

As the father turkey said to his misbehaving daughter,
"If your mother could see you now, she'd turn over in her gravy."
%
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
%
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake.  The old
legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.  The
gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted.  "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed, "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!  We had
$100 when we broke in!"
%
* ethnic

A Jewish guy's mother gave him two sweaters for Hanukkah.  The next
time he visited her, he made sure to wear one.

As he walked into the house, his mother frowned and said, "What's the
matter? You didn't like the other one?"
%
A drunken man was casually taking a piss into a drinking fountain in
the park.  A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.

"What the hell do you think your doing.  There's a public toilet 20
meters from here!"

The man yells back: "What do you think I have, a hose?"
%
How does Alice like being pregnant?" Bob asked his friend John.

"Oh, she's not pregnant," John replied, "she's expecting."

"What's the difference?" Bob pressed.

"Well, John explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting
me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet . . ."
%
One Christmas, I got a battery with a note saying, "toy not included".
%
You stop believing in Santa Claus when you start getting clothes for
Christmas.
%
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.  Mother took me to
see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.  
	-- Shirley Temple
%
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
%
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again,
it was probably worth it. 
%
* warning: gross

Ever hear about Boris the Brown Nosed Reindeer?

He was just as fast as Rudolf, but couldn't stop as quick....
%
Mr. Briggs spent the night in his secretary’s apartment.  He woke
up at three in the morning.  "My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going
to kill me!"

Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and
called his wife.  "Honey!" he began, "Don’t pay the ransom.  I
escaped!"
%
The blonde had been married about a year when one day the she came
running up to her husband jumping for joy.  Not knowing how to react,
the husband started jumping up and down along with her.  "Why are we
so happy?" he asked.

She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

"Great" he said, "tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped breathless from all the jumping up and down.  "I'm
pregnant!" she gasped.

The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while.  He
grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was,
and that he couldn't be happier.

Then she said "Oh, honey there's more."

"What do you mean more?", he asked. 

"Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked
her how she knew.

"I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit
and both tests came out positive!"
%
When we moved into our new home, the first one we owned rather than
rented, two of my friends gave me a bottle of champagne.  In the
hustle and bustle of getting settled, the gift was tucked away and
temporarily forgotten.

Three months later we held a Christening party for our third child.
Champagne flowed in celebration until, running short, we remembered
our housewarming gift.

In front of our guests, I opened the attached card and read it aloud,
"Harry, take good care of this one, it's yours!"
%
* insults:

"He had delusions of adequacy." 
- Walter Kerr

"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to
get rid of it." - Groucho Marx

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception."
- Groucho Marx

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was
convulsed with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it." - Groucho Marx

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

"Don't be humble...you're not that great." - Golda Meir

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of
human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by
diligent hard work, he overcame them." - James Reston (about
Richard Nixon)
%
Children don't need toys.

My one-year-old is never happier than when he is unravelling an audio
tape, wearing underwear on his head, or making music by clinking a
crystal ornament on the coffee table.  And his favourite part of
birthdays and Christmas is the chance to taste so many kinds of
wrapping paper while everyone else is distracted with whatever is
inside.

Even my older children don't need toys -- they are quite content
reprogramming my computer, taking apart the lens of my camera or
face-painting with the make-up in my bathroom.

It is parents who need toys.  We need toys to keep our children away
from our things.
%
Three men go to a party where they must present something "Christmassy".

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is
allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.  Confused at this last
gesture, the host asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

The third man answered "They're Carol's."
%
The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of Christmas
presents with her maid.  "Now what about the butler?" the rich woman
said.

"A set of wine glasses?" the maid suggested.

The woman frowned icily.  "He doesn't really need that. A butler never
entertains.  He'll get a tie."

The maid grimaced, but said only, "What about a dress for Jenny, the
serving girl?"

The woman frowned again.  "She doesn't really need a new dress.
She'll only get in trouble.  We'll get her another apron."

The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing
at her employer's arrogance when they reached her husband.  "I assume
you want to get him something he really needs, madam?" the maid
replied.

"Of course," the woman replied.

"Then what about five more inches?"
%
Bob and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Bob was looking really down in
the dumps.
 
"What's the matter?" Bill asked.
 
"I don't' get it," Bob sighed. "The dating scene is so confusing.
There are so many damn people you have to please.
 
"Like this one woman, she liked me, her mom liked me, but her father
hated me.
 
"Then there was this other woman, both of her parents really liked me,
but SHE didn't like me.
 
"And then there was this woman I met last night.  She absolutely loved
me, her parents seemed to really like me too, BUT her husband couldn't
stand me!"
%
* insults

"You're a good example of why some animals eat their young."
- Jim Samuels

"The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation, but
not the power of speech." - George Bernard Shaw

"A woman whose face looked as if it had been made of sugar and
someone had licked it." - George Bernard Shaw

"Gee, what a terrific party.  Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm
each other." - Neil Simon

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
%
"New Year's Eve, when old acquaintances should be forgotten. 
Unless, of course, those tests come back positive." 
-Jay Leno
%
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that
destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's
newly installed fire prevention alarm system.  "This is even worse
than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in
and stole my new security system."
%
* more insults

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved
of it." - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"She is a peacock in everything but beauty." - Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts for support
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
%
"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the 
obstetrician.

"Nah," replied the mother-to-be.  "He and my husband don't 
get along."
%
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news-- the good news
is that you are not a hypochondriac.
%
"Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a person who
can create one."
-- A. C. Greene
%
At the National Agricultural Conference it was easy to pick the dairy
milking champion.  He was the bloke who shook hands with everybody,
one finger at a time.
%
Dentist: "Try to relax.  I'll pull that aching tooth in five minutes."

Patient: "How much will this cost?"

Dentist: "It'll be $100."

Patient: "That much for just five minutes work?"

Dentist: "Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly."
%
The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been
fooling around with the waitress?!"

"Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.

The boss replied, "Good, in that case then, YOU fire her!"
%
The Latin professor went into a bar after a hard day at work. 
"What'll it be?" asked the bartender. 

"A martinus," replied the Latin professor. 

The bartender looked at the Latin professor, slightly puzzled. 

"Don't you mean martini?" 

"If I wanted more than one, I would ask for more than one." 
%
Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop.  Suddenly the town's fire
alarm went off.  One jumped up and headed for the door.  His friend
shouted, "Hey, Tom, I didn't know you were a fireman!"

Tom replied, "I'm not, but my girlfriend's husband is." 
%
Two Irishmen rob a bank and all they get away with are two sacks, so
they keep one each.  After a while they meet again and one asks the
other, "What did you find in your sack?"
 
"Half a million"
 
"Aw, that's a lot!  What did you do with the cash?"
 
"I bought a house.  How about your sack?"
 
"Bah; it was full o' bills"
 
"And what did you do with them?"
 
"Eh well, little by little, I'm paying them off."
%
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." 
-- Henny Youngman
%
Dentist begging the patient: "Could you help me?  Could you give out a
few of your loudest, most painful screams?"

Patient: "Why?  Doc, it isn't all that bad this time."

Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I
don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game."
%
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight
people.  So overweight people are now average. 

See: you've already met your New Year's resolution! 
%
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
%
Our neighbors down-hill have the most annoying parrot named Shraga.
This bird keeps whistling the Marseillaise, imitating a ringing phone,
and other voices I can't identify.

Clearly, Shraga has gotten on our neighbors' nerves as well.
Yesterday, as I came closer to the fence, I heard Shraga saying
"Quiet! Quiiiieet!!!"
%
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant: Yes, I do.  And they're a lot better than the penalty for murder.
%
Cut-price pigeons mar Sept. 11 ceremony
Associated Press, Sept 2002

JERSEY CITY, N.J. - Things went wrong at a Sept. 11 anniversary
ceremony last week when dozens of white pigeons were released.

Some of the birds got tangled in onlookers' hair or apparently fell
into the Hudson River. Several were injured later when they crashed
into office windows, and others were found dead.

Instead of getting homing pigeons - the kind usually used at weddings
and other formal events - organizers of the Sept. 11 service bought
their birds at a poultry shop in Newark.

"That's reprehensible," said Ellen Goldberg, a teacher at the
nonprofit Raptor Trust bird hospital in Millington, where some of the
injured pigeons were treated. "That's not how it's supposed to work."

Guy Catrillo, a member of the city's organizing 9/11 Memorial
Committee, defended the decision to buy the 80 birds from a poultry
shop, saying the city saved several hundred dollars and spared the
pigeons a much worse fate.

"They're all free. They're not soup," he said.
%
Survival advice

* Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his
favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

* While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss
Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions
as a tiny canoe paddle.

* Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove
lint from navel before applying the match.

* You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the
north side of your compass.

* You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing
into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

* When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you
something to wipe your nose on.

* You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by
running over it with your car.
%
A hat was passed around a church congregation to take up an offering
for the visiting minister.

Presently it was returned to him embarrassingly empty.  Slowly the
parson inverted the hat and shook it meaningfully.  Then raising his
eyes heavenward, he exclaimed, "I thank you, Lord, that I got my hat
back from this congregation."
%
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver.  He
placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator,
"Do you know what I use this for?"

The nav replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart
table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the nav replied, "I'll know we're lost before you
will."
%
* ethnic references and more

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to
trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced
of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France: gently aging but still a
warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war,haunted by past
mistakes.  Reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are
unpatrolled.  The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, has a glorious and all
conquering past, but no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan.  Most everyone knows where it is,
but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 80 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.
%
Back in those days, it was required that in order for a student to
receive credit for a particular course, a card (listing of his/her
courses) had to be signed by the instructor/lecturer.  It was, at the
time, policy that students attend their courses.  But depending on the
size of the class, it was often quite possible to receive credit, even
after not attending the class regularly.

Not so, with this physics professor: if he didn't recognize you, you
would have to repeat the course (& attend!).  On one occasion, a
student handed his card to be signed.  The professor looked at the
name, then at the student, and said, "I've never seen you in my
class," and handed back the card.

Now being a science student, he naturally thought quickly, and
proceeded to the end of the line.  When he was at the front again, he
handed his card to the prof.  The prof looked at the name, then at the
student, and said, "You look familiar.  OK," and signed the card.
%
A college graduate applied for a job at the CIA.  Together with
several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to
take it to the fourth floor.

As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway
and opened the packet.  Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of
person.  Report to the fifth floor."
%
While my wife and I were shopping at a mall kiosk, a shapely young
woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed
her.

Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked,
"Was it worth the trouble you're in?"
%
* This joke was already sent, but this time it's more informative

Q. Our baby boy was born last Thursday. 
   When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kid leaves for college.
%
Seeing a picture of his wife in the nude hanging at the art show, he
demanded of her:

"Did you really pose for that?"

"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "of course not.  He painted it
from memory."
%
When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend,
he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.

Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, 

"Life isn't worth living.  I think I'm gonna top myself."

"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist.  "My wife ran off and
left me too, yet I'm happy."

"How?" asked Joe. 

"Easy," replied the quack.  "I threw myself into my work.  I totally
submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her.  By the way, Joe, what
work do you do?"

"I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied. 
%
During a propaganda tour, president Bush visits a school to explain his
politics to kids. He invites the kids to ask him questions.  Bobby stands
up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 3 questions:"

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you
   still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist
   attack of all times?

Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings, and the kids leave
the room. After they came back, Bush invited them again to ask questions.
Joey stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 5 questions:"

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you
   still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist
   attack of all times?
4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
5. Where's Bobby?
%
A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before
his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I
insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."

There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room.  Suddenly,
from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman
is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"
%
A man had always wanted to be an actor.  It was his dream to act on
Broadway.  He had amazing talent as an actor but he could never
remember his lines.  No matter what he tried or how much he rehearsed
he couldn't memorize dialogue.  Eventually he gives up on his dream
and gets a "real" job.

About 25 years after he quit he gets a phone call from an old friend
who is directing a show on Broadway.  The director friend tells the
man that he has a part for him in his new play.  There is only one
line of dialogue but it at least the man can say he acted on Broadway.
The man accepts the part with joy...a dream of his is about to come
true.

The one line the man has to memorize is "Hark! I hear the cannon's
roar!"  That's all he has to remember, one line... "Hark! I hear the
cannon's roar!"  The guy figures if he practices enough, delivering
the line will be a piece of cake.

So for the next 2 weeks the guy practices delivering his one line over
and over.  In the shower "Hark! I hear the cannon's roar!", in the car
"Hark! I hear the cannon's roar!", in the bathroom "Hark! I hear the
cannon's roar!", even in his sleep "Hark! I hear the cannon's roar!"

The day of the show arrives and the guy is primed to make his Broadway
debut.  Backstage he goes over his line again and again "Hark! I hear
the cannon's roar!".  "Hark! I hear the cannon's roar!".  Just before
the start of the 2nd act the man takes his place center stage, waiting
for the curtain to rise and to make his dream come true.

The curtain rises and the man is ready to deliver his one line.  Just
as he opens his mouth a very loud cannon roars from behind him.  The
man says 'WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?!"
%
* From CNN News, Feb 17 2003

The U.S. president's brother Jeb Bush has sparked criticism after
mistakenly referring to Spain as a republic in a speech to Spanish
business leaders during a trip to Madrid to discuss business
opportunities.  Speaking in Spanish, Bush said: "I want to thank the
president of the Republic of Spain for his friendship with the United
States."

Spain has not been a republic since the late 1930s, when General
Francisco Franco crushed Republican troops in the Civil War.  Franco's
nationalist dictatorship lasted until his death in 1975, when Spain
became a constitutional monarchy.  King Juan Carlos I is now the head
of state.
%
Shopping for a Valentine's Day card for my spouse, I was browsing all the 
the little columns in the card rack with labels like "masculine," 
"feminine," "mother," "child," et cetera until I found the correct 
heading: "wife." The label also said, "Suggested retail price $2.49 / 
Special Discount 2 for $4.00"

I have to wonder how many people really qualify for that discount.
%
As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officer's
stunning, blonde staffers was transferred to an obscure base in Utah.

The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and handed him her
orders.  He glanced at them and said, "Well Private, your duties here
will be pretty much the same as your last assignment."

The girl sighed and said, "Yes Sir.  I kind-of figured that.  Will it
be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair?"
%
A busty young thang was trying on an EXTREMELY low cut dress.  As she
studied herself in the mirror, she asked the sales lady if she thought
it was too low cut.

"Do you have hair on your chest?" The sales lady asked.

"No -- certainly NOT!" replied the young thang.

The sales lady the told her "Then it's too low cut."
%
The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: "I
have great news for you.  Pretty soon we're going to be three in this
house instead of two."

The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said:
"Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."

But then she said: "I'm glad that you feel this way because tomorrow
morning my mother moves in with us."
%
Variety is reporting that HBO is trying to sell sanitized versions of
Sex and the City to one of the broadcast networks.  The episodes will
air on Friday nights from 9 pm to 9:07 pm. 
%
I recently had a medical exam, and all the doctor could find wrong
with me, was that I was overweight.

"I'm prescribing these pills for you," my doctor told me. "I don't
want you to swallow them.  Just spill them on the floor twice a day
and pick them up, one at a time."
%
I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take
advantage of it.  I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's
my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.  At 50 cents a call, I've
been making $38 a week.
%
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer
and my sandwich, please?"

"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't
get many ducks in this pub.  What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves.  This
continues for 2 weeks.  Then one day the circus comes to town.  The
ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells
him about the incredible talking duck.

"Marvellous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.  The bartender says,
"Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good
money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus" says the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus?  That place with the big tent?  With all the animals?
With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck looks confused and asks: "What the hell do they want with a
plasterer?"
%
The first mate was found to be drunk one day and that day it happened
to be the captain's turn to write in the ship's log so he wrote:

The first mate was drunk today. 

He begged and pleaded to the captain to remove that entry but the
captain argued that once an entry was made in the company's log it
couldn't be deleted.  The first mate decided to get even.

The next time it when it was the first mate's turn to write in the
log, he wrote:

The captain was sober today. 
%
When president George Bush I visited Buckingham Palace in the late
'80s, he was intrigued by an odd-looking three-legged silver dish on
display and asked, "What's that?"

To which Queen Elizabeth II replied: "I don't know.  You gave it to me.'' 
%
* I couldn't resist; AP news, March 4

   BUCHAREST, March 4 (AFP) - US troops stationed in Romania in
preparation for a possible war in Iraq got their first taste of battle
when they were attacked by a pack of stray dogs.

   Two soldiers on the air base at the eastern Black Sea port of
Constanta, where up to 4,000 US forces are based, were treated for
bite wounds after the incident, the Mediafax news agency reported
Tuesday.
%
On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that
another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He
had to know The Secret.

"Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you
are using?" he asked.

The other man looked around a bit embarrassed.  "Well, I am a surgeon,
and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."

Joe thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time,
and left.

The next day, Joe returned to the lake, tried a different bait and
still had no luck.

Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish
after fish.

"Excuse me," asked Joe, "but could you suggest a bait that I could
try?"

"Well, I can but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a
bit of human appendix."
 
"Hmm," thought Joe. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require
a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake
 one more try. 

On the third day, Joe still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet
another man near him bringing in fish left and right.

Joe wanted to confirm what he already knew.  "Excuse me sir, but are
you a doctor?"

"No, I am a Rabbi." 
%
"My wife finally convinced me to sign what's called a living will.
It's a document that gives her the right, if I become attached to some
mechanical device, to terminate my life.  So yesterday, I'm on the
exercise bike..."
%
Two old friends, haven't seen each other for several years when they
happen to meet at the supermarket.  After greetings and a little
catching up, one fellow says to his friend, "When I ran into you I was
looking for my wife."

"I'm looking for mine, too," says the other fellow.  "By the way, how
is your wife?"

"Oh," says his friend, "I've just gotten married for the second time.
You ought to see her.  She is only 28 years old, a redhead with blue
eyes.  She used to be a model and has a perfect figure.  Nobody wears
clothes better than she can.  In fact, today she's wearing tight
toreador pants and a see-through blouse -- just a knockout.  But
enough about her.  How's your wife?"

"Forget my wife," his friend says.  "Let's go look for yours."
%
AP News, March 11, 2003

WASHINGTON (AP) -- House [i.e. Congress] cafeterias will be serving
fries with a side order of patriotism Tuesday with a decision by GOP
lawmakers to replace the "French" cuisine with "freedom fries."  "This
action today is a small but symbolic effort to show the strong
displeasure of many on Capitol Hill with the actions of our so-called
ally, France," said Rep. Bob Ney, R-Ohio, chairman of the House
Administration Committee.
%
On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork
for a long time.  He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the
stork a while longer.

Finally, turning to his father with a very disappointed look on his
face, he exclaimed, "Gee, Dad, he doesn't recognize me."
%
Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover.  He forces himself to
open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and
a glass of water on the side table.  He sits down and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.  Larry looks around
the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean.
So's the rest of the house.  He takes the aspirins and notices a note
on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go
shopping.  Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper.  His son is also at the table, eating.  Larry
asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black
eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that!  Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm
married'!"
%
A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to
be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he
gave it to the police.

"For example," he said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was
positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket.  But then I remembered
that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom."

When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him "Why so
much urgency for your watch?  Isn't sending three men to pick it up
for you a bit extreme?"

"What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone
three people.  What happened?"

"I gave it to the first one," said the wife.  "He knew exactly where
it was, so I figured you sent him."
%
I have been engaged for almost a year.  I am to be married next month.
My fiancee's mother is great.  She is putting the entire wedding
together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list
because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to
just under a hundred... then she floored me.

She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that
happened, she wanted to have sex with me.  Then she just stood up and
walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the door
was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew how
to deal with this situation.  I headed out the front door.

There, leaning against my car was her husband.  He was smiling.  He
explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would
be true to their little girl.  I shook his hand and he congratulated
me on passing their little test.

I kept it to myself that I thought their "little test" was bullshit,
but I'm marrying their daughter, not them.

I also kept to myself that the reason that I was walking out to my car
was to get a condom.
%
During the early years of space exploration, NASA scientist Wernher
von Braun gave many speeches on the wonders and promises of rocketry
and space flight.  After one of his talks, von Braun found himself
clinking cocktail glasses with an adoring woman from the audience.

"Dr. von Braun," the woman gushed, "I just loved your speech, and I
found it of absolutely infinitesimal value!"

"Well then," von Braun gulped, "I guess I'll have to publish it
posthumously."

"Oh yes!" the woman came right back.  "And the sooner the better!
%
Astronomers were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound
which occurred immediately before the Big Bang.

Apparently, that sound was "Uh oh."
%
At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old.
Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their
wedding night, she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms.  The
newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if
they spend the entire night together.  After the wedding festivities,
LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the
door.  Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her
85-year-old groom, ready for action.  They unite as one.  All goes
well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go
to sleep.

After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door.
It's Morris!  And he's again ready for more action.  Somewhat
surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling.  When the newlyweds
are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and
leaves.  LouAnne is set to go to sleep again.

However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her
door, and there he is again... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and
ready for a bit more action.  And again they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I
am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I've been with guys
less than a third your age who were only good once!  You're a great
lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says, "You mean I
was here already?"
%
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth
anniversary of his arrival in that parish.  A leading local
politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make
the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was
delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words
while they waited."You will understand," he said, "the seal of the
confessional, can never be broken.  However, I got my first
impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here.  I
can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five
years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.  The very
first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a
television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered
the officer.  Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his
place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife.  I was
appalled.  But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all
like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of
understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late.  He immediately began to make the
presentation and give his talk.  "I'll never forget the first day our
parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician.  "In fact,
I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
%
A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house
he found that his bride had disappeared.  He got very worried and
gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her
in the kitchen.  He asked her what she has been up to and why she
hasn't been home for so long.

She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for
a week."

The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean 'a
week?'"

"I am only here to get something to eat."
%
Jim was annoyed when his blonde wife told him that a car had backed
into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license
number.  "What kind of car was he driving?" he asked.

"I don't know," she said.  "I never can tell one car from another."

At that, Jim decided the time had come for a learning course, and for
the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each
car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every
make.

It worked.  About a week later she bounded in with a pleased
expression on her face.  "Darling," she said.  "I hit a Buick!"
%
"Peter!" his mother scolded "There were two cookies in the pantry this
morning but now there's only one! Do you have an explanation?"

Peter replied "It must have been too dark and I didn't see the other
one."
%
We SHELL not EXXONerate Saddam Hussein for his actions.  We will
MOBILize to meet this threat to vital interests in the Persian GULF
until an AMOCOble solution is reached.  Our best strategy is to
BPrepared failing that we ARComing to kick your ass!
%
"We have it.  The smoking gun.  The evidence.  The potential weapon of
mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading
Iraq.  There's just one problem: it's in North Korea."
			 -- Jon Stewart
%
TECH SUPPORT: "I need you to boot the computer".

CUSTOMER: (Thump[ thoughtfull pause]). "Nope that didn't help". 
%
An old church was in a bad state of repair, and desperately in need of
renovation. The vicar found that the repair work would cost at least
$10,000 and didn't know how he could possibly raise the money.  The
bishop told him that, regrettably, the church authorities couldn't
possibly fund the work, so unless the vicar could raise the funds
himself, the church would have to be closed down.

The vicar tried all the usual fund-raising activities - church fetes,
sponsored events by the local scouts and guides, etc. - but couldn't
raise even a quarter of the money he needed.  He ran out of ideas, and
resigned himself to the fact that he was going to lose his church.

Finally, his devoted housekeeper came up with a solution.  "Desperate
times need desperate measures," she said, "There's only one thing left
to do; I'll go and sell my body in the town, and give all the money I
earn to the restoration fund.  I'll do it until I've made enough."

"But that's awful!" said the vicar, "I can't possibly let you do
that!"  "It's the only way we can save the church," she said, "I know
it's a sin, but if you pray to the Lord, and tell him that I'm doing
it all for the church, he'll forgive me."  No matter how much the
vicar protested, she had made up her mind.

At the end of the first month, the housekeeper handed over all her
earnings to the vicar, and they counted the money.  It came to $1205.
"That's incredible!" said the vicar, "All that in one month!  But tell
me... who paid you the $5?"

"Everybody!" she replied.
%
* warning: gross

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw,
and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers.  He goes to the
emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck!  Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what
I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers?  It's
the third millenium!  We've got microsurgery and all kinds of
incredible techniques.  I could have put them back on and made you
like new.  Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Jon says, "Well, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."
%
* warning: extremely politically sensitive; may not reflect your views
* no need to be upset about that, though; after all it's an old joke,
* recycled

As a squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, they
came across a badly mangled dead body.  As they got closer, they found
it was an Iraqi soldier.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American
soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to
breath.  They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him
what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the
teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard.  I
looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an
unprincipled, lying piece of trash!'"

"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is an
unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."  
%
A guy is sitting up on a tree branch.  Another one comes by and says:

"What're you doing up there?"

"I'm eating cherries."

"But this is an apple tree!"

Spitting a core: "I brought them from home."
%
Saddam Hussein's eight doubles are called to an urgent meeting with
the chief of staff.

"Boys I have some good news and some bad news.  The good news is that
our glorious leader has survived the latest American bombing.
The bad news is that he's lost an arm."
%
A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special
effort with his family at the weekends.  Every Sunday morning he would
take his daughter out for a drive in the car.  One particular Sunday
however, he was so sick that he really didn't feel like driving at
all.  Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and decided that for this
week she would take their daughter out.

They returned just before lunch and the little girl ran upstairs to see her
father. "Well" the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with Mommy?" 

"Oh yes!  Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what, we didn't
see a single bastard!"
%
The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund raising
activity.  One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a
sour-faced lady came to the door and asked:

"What do you want, Sonny?"

"D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma'am?" he
asked.

"Look here, young man, do I look like the kind of lady who would drink
beer?" replied the lady.

"S-s-sorry, Ma'am," was his reply.  "W-w-what about vinegar bottles?"
%
An English teacher often wrote little notes on student essays.
She was working late one night, and as the hours passed, her 
handwriting deteriorated.

The next day a student came to her after class with his essay 
she had corrected. "I can't make out this comment you wrote 
on my paper."

The teacher took the paper, and after squinting at it for a 
minute, sheepishly replied, "It says that you need to write 
more legibly!"
%
Income tax is drawing near.  Did you ever notice that if you take the
two words - "The" and "IRS" it spells "Theirs"?
%
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below.  Answering the survey
question is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1.
[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other

First Name: ............................................
Initial:    ........
Last Name   ............................................
Password:   .............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name:  ............................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ...........................


2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 20..../..../....

4. Serial Number: ...............................................

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you
have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision
to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / manoeuvrability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] South America
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase
in the near future:
[_] Colour TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation?
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal cheque
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveller's cheque

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defence Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the
interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on
a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilisation / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.  Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a
brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?  Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
%
* From AP news, April 16

An unemployed man masquerading as a millionaire filed an income tax
return claiming he was owed a refund of more than $1.5 million,
authorities said.

Benjamin Harris, 47, of Brooklyn, was arrested and arraigned on
charges of filing a false claim last year with the Internal Revenue
Service.  After pleading innocent, Harris was released on $10,000
bond.

Prosecutors allege a 2001 return filed by Harris included a doctored
W-2 form showing he made nearly $9 million that year as an attorney
for an employment agency, Temporary Time Capitol Corp.  He claimed he
paid $3,196,431 in taxes and was owed $1,580,065, court papers said.

Harris allegedly checked a box requesting the refund be directly
deposited into his checking account at a Manhattan branch of HSBC,
which was done.  When he sought to withdraw money from an automatic
teller machine, his bank notified him of a hold on an account that
normally had an average balance of $2,000.

The defendant faxed the bank a copy of the altered W-2 form ``to prove
the deposit was legitimate,'' court papers said.  But the bank still
refused to release the money.

Instead, the bank alerted the IRS to ``the unusually large deposit,
which led to a federal investigation,'' the papers said.

An IRS spokesman, Joseph Foy, credited the bank with being
``perceptive enough to freeze the funds and notify us.''

The investigation found that Harris, who could face up to five years
in prison if convicted, had worked for Temporary Time in 2000, when
his reported income was $1,061.
%
My wife left me a note saying I should try out for "American Idle."
But the joke is on her because she spelled it wr-- hey, wait a minute!
%
Bernie and Esther were not the most religious Jews and in fact they
really only went to Temple once a year.  As they were leaving the
Temple, the Rabbi said, "Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and
Esther here more than once a year!"

"I know," replied Bernie, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."

"That's great," the Rabbi said.  "I'm glad to hear that you keep the
Commandments."

"Yep," Bernie said proudly, "Esther keeps six of them and I keep the
other four."
%
An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and
bumping around the sky.  One very nervous lady happened to be sitting
next to a rabbi and turned to him.

"Can't you do something?" she demanded angrily.

"I'm sorry ma'am," the rabbi said gently, "I'm in sales, not management."
%
A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after
midnight when one of the players returned from bathroom with an urgent
report.

"Bill, listen," he told the host, "Doug's in the kitchen making love
to your wife!"

"OK, that's it, guys," Bill said. "This is positively the last deal."
%
Whether you dress tastefully or not only moths can tell.
%
Our local humane society had an overabundance of cats, and to deal
with the surplus they posted a notice: 
	"Laptops Available.  Mouse not included."
%
Morty arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house,
Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Marvin has finally
quit smoking.  "Imagine that, Morty," she says, "someone who smoked 3
packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now
that's what I call will power - something that you definitely don't
have."

But Sadie hadn't finished.  "And that's not all.  I hear that Bernie,
that drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking - another
example of the kind of will power that you don't have."

"OK, Sadie," said Morty, "you want to see will power, do you?  Well
here's will power.  I am going to sleep in the spare room from now on.
I am going to prove to you that I won't be affected at all by not
sleeping with a woman."

Morty keeps to his word.

One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there is a
knock on his bedroom door.  Morty shouts out, "What do you want?"

Sadie replies, "Marvin has started smoking again."
%
* warning: ethnic

Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying.  Details to follow."
%
Healthy mind in a healthy body: all I could ask for, said the canibal.
%
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again.  -- F. P. Jones
%
A murder has been committed.  Police are called to an apartment and
find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the
lifeless body of a woman on the ground.

The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"

"Yes."

"Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club
and puts his hands on his head.

"How many times did you hit her?"

"I don't know.  Five... six... put me down for a five."
%
The farmer showed the city labourer how to milk the cows and sent him
into the fields.

"How many did you milk?" he asked when the labourer came back.

"Twenty, but there's one thing..."

"What's that?"

"I think you should have given me a bucket."
%
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just
met the woman of his dreams.  Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card
invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to
dinner.  His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned.  "She insisted on washing the
dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."
%
A blonde goes over to visit one of her friends.

While she is at her friend's house it starts to rain very heavily.
Her friend tells her to spend the night at her house and go home the
next day.

When she hears this, the blonde rushes out the door and comes a while
later totally drenched and carrying a small shopping bag.  So her
friend asks "Where did you run off too?"

"I went home to get my pyjamas!"
%
The best measure of a woman's honesty isn't her income tax return.
It's the zero adjust on her bathroom scale.
%
After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at 
the same time, faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in the 
crowded parking lot.  

Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able to locate my vehicle 
easily.

"Wow," the woman said. "I sure could use a gadget like that to help me
find my car.  Where did you ever find it?  Is it attached to your key
ring?"

"Actually," I replied, "that's my husband."
%
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse
would have really preferred.
%
"How was dance class today, Melinda?"

"Oh, it was great, Daddy.  In fact, two boys got into a fight over
dancing with me!"  Melinda said

"Oh?" said her father, his interest piqued.

Melinda continued "Yes!  First Richard told John, 'You dance with
her,' then John told Richard, 'No, YOU dance with her!'"
%
"All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner." 
	-Red Skelton
%
At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world
travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in
southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a yearlong research
project in India.

One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short.  "What is it about
you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"
%
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of
me had a large order.  As the harried-looking clerk lifted the final
bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the
floor.

"They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted
to the customer.  "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"
%
Paul and Simon are talking about their respective weekends when the
subject of picking up ladies pops up.

"I must say I'm doing fine in that department," says Paul.  "This
weekend I hooked up with that Jenny Harris girl."

"Jenny Harris!"  Simon exclaims, "What happened?" 

"Let's just say I got lucky." 

"I've heard about Jenny," Simon says, "and I wouldn't call it
'lucky.'"

"I would," Paul says. 

"In that case," Simon replies, "you're the luckiest guy with herpes I
know."
%
A vet gets a midnight phone call from a farmer. 

"I've got a very constipated cow - been like it for days, it's in
great pain, what can I do?"

Sleepy vet, knackered after working all day and all evening, says: "If
you've got one of those small bottles of highly concentrated milk of
magnesia, get that down it and I'll call you in the morning to see how
it is."

Next morning the vet rings: "How's the constipated cow this morning?"

"Cow?" says the farmer. "I said cat." 

"Oh God," says the vet, "did you give it the concentrate?"

"Yes, I got the whole bottleful down its throat, I used a small
funnel."

"Oh Jesus," says the vet.  "How is the cat?" 

"It's out in the garden." 

"Dead I suppose?" said the vet. 

"God no," said the farmer, "it's out there with four of his mates, two
digging and two filling in."
%
Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle.
 
"I'm here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw, to
contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you,
sir?"
 
"I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young daughter has
begun piano lessons."
%
The new family in the neighbourhood overslept, and their six-year-old
daughter missed her school bus.  The father, though late for work,
agreed to drive her if she'd direct him to the school.

They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time,
several more before she indicated another turn.  This went on for 20
minutes, but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be
only a short distance from their home.

The father asked his daughter why she'd led him around in such a
circle.

The child explained, "That's the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It's
the only way I know."
%
Marge was telling her friend Grace how she gets her son out of bed in
the morning.

"I just open his door and toss the cat on his bed.  He sleeps with his
dog."
%
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant,
waiting to place our order.  There was a big sign posted. "No bills
larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me,
if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
%
Doctor:  Now just step on the scales.  There you see?  Look 
at this chart.  You're overweight.

Patient:  No, I'm not.  I'm just 6 inches too short.
%
A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order
part No. 669 from the factory.  But when he received it he noticed
that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.

Furious at the factory's incompetence, he promptly sent the part back
along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.

Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter
containing just four words: "TURN THE PART OVER."
%
A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became old
enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man who took them out.

When the time came, I was pleased that my friend's prediction was
wrong.  Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.

Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked all the
young men she and her sisters brought home.

"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."
%
It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint as he
babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving
techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber.

Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough about me.  Let's talk
about you."

She breathed a sigh of relief.

He went on, "What do you think about me?"
%
"Grandma, how long have you and Grandpa been married?" asked young Nina.

"Fifty years," Grandma replied.  "That is so wonderful," exclaimed
Nina.  "And I bet in all that time, you never once thought about
divorce, right?"

"Right Nina.  Divorce, NEVER.  Murder, lots of times, but never divorce."
%
A man goes to an agency in London and asks if they have any jobs.
"Sure", replies the interviewer, "I've got an ace job - working in a
strip club, what you would have to do is help the girls undress and
dress, oil them and all that sort of stuff."

"sounds good" says the man.

"Great, can you get to Newcastle for 9.00 am tomorrow?"

"Why, is that where the job is?"

"No, that's where the queue starts."
%
Q: Why Bruce Willis did not act in "Titanic"?
A: He would have saved them all.
%
Our dog, Shaggy, suddenly began barking daily at 4 a.m.  Irritated and
sleepy, my wife, Sally, searched the back yard for what might have
disturbed this otherwise placid animal.  For three days she found
nothing amiss.  Then the dog woke up the neighbourhood at 3 a.m. with
frantic barking.  When sally looked out the window, she discovered
someone throwing pebbles to land near Shaggy.  Sally hurried outside
and found the culprit.  Crouching on the other side of the fence was
our quiet neighbour, the last man you'd suspect of wrongdoing.  My
wife demanded to know what he was doing.

"My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed neighbour explained.
"If she loses her beauty sleep another night, she says she'll leave."
%
Q: Who has blonde hair, surgically enhanced 32E boobs, and is the
richest woman in Switzerland?

A: Saddam Hussein.
%
"I voted Republican this year.  
 The Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth."
	 --Monica Lewinsky
%
The Hebrew school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back
and turned into a pillar of salt, when little David interrupted.

"My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced
triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
%
My husband and I had bought some gadgets for our almost teen-age
grandsons and were leaving the store when we realized we didn't have
batteries.  He stepped over to a counter to get the batteries but
couldn't attract the attention of the clerk.

I waited for a little while then said "I'll get a clerk over here real
fast."  With that, I pulled out my pocket tape measure and started
measuring a large TV set.  Amazingly, a clerk leap-frogged over
several pieces of furniture to reach my side in jig time.

To his "may I help you?" I said - "Of course.  I'll take 8 of those
batteries over there."
%
Years ago while attending a dinner party hosted by some friends of mine
the hostess served a meal with this delicious mushroom sauce.  After the
meal there was a small amount left over and the hostess decided to allow
her pregnant cat to enjoy the treat as well as the guests.  The guests all
felt it was a great gesture and showed the cat was a member of the family.

The sauce was the highlight of the evenings topic of conversation,
everyone commented on how delicious it was, and the hostess beamed at all
the compliments.  One of the guest commented that toadstools were much
like mushrooms except for being toxic, and how funny it would be is such
a culinary treat were made from that instead.

As if on cue, the pet cat started crying and squirming on the floor,
clutching its belly.  The hostess exclaimed, "Oh my God, it's the mushroom
sauce!"

We all went to the emergency room in a mad rush, and had our stomachers
pumped after telling them we had eaten poisonous mushrooms.  This was an
extremely unpleasant experience.

We we got back, the cat was lying on the floor peacefully looking up at
us, and had given birth to kittens.
%
Some teachers at state universities get to know their students fairly
well.  One instructor told his communications class of his plans to
propose marriage.  A student spoke up and said that he had recently
asked his girlfriend to marry him as well.

"What was her answer?" the instructor asked.

"I don't know," the student replied. "She hasn't e-mailed me back yet."
%
As the Broadway showgirls were dressing for a performance, one of them
noticed her friend was no longer sporting a flashy engagement ring.

"What happened, Lilly," she asked, pointing to the bare finger.  "The
wedding off?"

"Yeah," Lilly admitted.  "I saw him in a bathing suit last week, and
he looked so different without his wallet."
%
After much urging by his wife, my Uncle Joe applied for work on a
farm.  The foreman decided to give him a try and told him to milk a
cow, equipping him with a stool and a bucket.

An hour later Uncle Joe returned dirty and sweaty, the bucket in one
hand and the broken stool in the other.

"Extracting the milk was easy," he explained.  "The worst part was
getting the cow to sit on the stool!"
%
A pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of
television.  "It steals away precious time that could be better spent
on other things," he said.  He advised the congregation to do what he
and his family had done.  "We put our TV away in the closet."

"That's right," his wife mumbled, "and it gets awfully crowded in
there!"
%
Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor.  He
surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him
after an encounter with a porcupine.  After almost an hour of prying,
pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who
asked what she owed.

"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed.  "That's what's wrong
with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer
visitors.  Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being
gypped here?"

"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."
%
* UPI news for July 3, 2003

MIT builds a robotic snail    	
	CAMBRIDGE, Mass., July 3 (UPI) -- MIT scientists have  
created what they believe is the world's first robotic snail to 
study how snails and slugs move themselves forward. 
	The scientists hope the humble, 10-inch collection of gears,  
wiring and a rubbery membrane that creeps forward on a thin layer of 
gooey slime will help explain the form of locomotion used by 
gastropods, which has puzzled biologists despite years of scrutiny. 
On a larger front, however, the snail is the latest -- and perhaps 
strangest -- development in the booming field of "microfluidics," 
which is the science of understanding how liquids behave on a very 
small scale. 
	The snail currently can move only on horizontal surfaces. In  
the future, the team hopes to build an "all-terrain" model that can 
scale inclines and maybe even walls. 
%
* warning: gratuitous religious reference

Reverend Mother gathers the nuns: "I have to tell you, sisters, that
we have discovered a case of gonorrhoea at the convent."

Nun: "Thank the Lord!  I'm sick of that Chardonnay."
%
Stosh just arrived in Krakow airport where his sister Wanda met him.
Having heard there was a thunderstorm the plane had to fly through,
she asked her brother how the flight was.

Stosh: "It was so rough, the stewardess poured our food directly into
the vomit bag."
%
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains
to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.  They
would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
shop.
  
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really that hard.  A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.  One
thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.
  
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages, goes first.
  
"Wellll," he says, in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey wint oot into th'
wooods to fynd me a bearr.  Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread t
o him from the Baltimorre Catechism.  Welll, thet bearr wanted naught
to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot.  So I quick grrabbed me holy
water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb.  The
bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und
confierrmation."
  
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.  He was in a wheelchair, with an arm
and both legs in casts, and an IV drip.  In his best fire and
brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we
don't sprinkle...WE DUNK!  I went out, and I FOUND me a bear.  And
then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear
wanted nothing to do with me.  I SAY NO!  He wanted NOTHING to do with
me.  So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle.  We rassled down
one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick.  So I
quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul.  An' jus like you sez, he
wuz gentle as a lamb.  We spent the rest of the week in fellowship,
feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."
  
They both look down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.  He
was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and
out of him.
  
The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! You don't know what tough is until
you try to circumcise one of those creatures."
%
A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one
drink of whiskey to improve his stamina.  A month later, when
Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor asked, "How are we
doing with the pill and the whiskey?"

Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, but
he's about six months ahead with the whiskey."
%
Joey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire
hall.  Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him.

The fire chief asked little Joey, "What do you do if your clothes
catch on fire?"

Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on."
%
The best time to fake an orgasm is when a Rotweiler is humping your leg.
%
In June of 1998, I was in the hospital recovering from a bypass
operation.  A member of my church's council came to visit.  He said he
brought greetings from the entire council and their wishes that I
should recover soon and live a long and healthy life.  I thanked him
and said that was very nice.

He was somewhat taken aback and said, "It's more than 'nice,' Jimmy.
It was an official resolution... passed by a vote of 14-7, too."
%
* warning: disgusting

A couple's making out in the movies.

She says, "Harry, I think I just swallowed your gum."

He says, "No, I was just clearing my throat."
%
* signs:

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
%
The head of a small industrial company posted "Do it now!" signs all
around his office and plant in hopes of getting better results from
his workers.

Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the slogans, he said,
"It worked too well.  The bookkeeper skipped with $20,000; the chief
clerk eloped with the best secretary I've ever had; three salesmen
asked for raises; and the workers in the factory joined the union and
are out on strike."
%
If your wife asks you, "Do these pants make me look fat?"
I think a good answer is, "I'm sleeping with your sister."

It will distract her from the pants and let's face it, she was going
to find out about you two sooner or later.
%
A friend of mine has a daughter who started out as a psych major then
switched to English Lit.  After that, she tried pre-law, which was
followed by history, international affairs and at present, she's in
philosophy.

She may never graduate, but she's unbeatable at Trivial Pursuit.
%
The ball went onto the adjoining fairway where it hit a man full
force.  He dropped to the ground and didn't move!

They ran up to the stricken victim who lay unconscious, with the ball
between his feet.

"Good heavens, what shall I do?" asked the golfer.

"Don't move him!" cautioned his partner.  "If we leave him here, he
becomes an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as
it lies or drop it two club lengths away."
%
* Associated Press News, Dec 9, 2004

ENTERPRISE, Fla. (AP) -- The dishes, garbage and dirty laundry would
pile up for days when Cat and Harlan Barnard's teenage children
refused to do their chores.  So the Barnards went on strike, moving
out of their house and into a domed tent set up in their front
driveway.  The parents refuse to cook, clean or drive for their
children -- Benjamin, 17, and Kit, 12 -- until they shape up.  "We've
tried reverse psychology, upside down psychology, spiral psychology
and nothing has motivated them for any length of time," said Cat
Barnard, 45, as she sat in a lawn chair at an umbrella-covered table.
%
The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being
charged with theft.  The lawyer tells the crusty old judge, "My lord,
my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem."

"High-speed modem?" questions the judge.

"Yes" replies the lawyer, "It allows computers to communicate over
vast distances at high rates of speed.  It allows email and something
called cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor."

"Cybersex?" says the judge, "You mean sex through a modem?  You mean
sex on a monitor?  Good lord, the morals of this society!  Sex should
be a natural event of nature!"

"Secondly, my lord," continues the lawyer, "My client can produce a
receipt for the 12-speed cd-rom."

"12-speed cd-rom?" queries the judge.

"Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read
off a small disk."

"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex related...  Modern
technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling," comments the
judge.  "I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society these
days."

"Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe
inflatable milk maid, whatever that is."

"That's the one with the silicone breasts and real hair," replies the
judge.
%
I used to watch golf on TV during the weekend, but my doctor told me I
needed more exercise... so now I watch tennis.
%
At the senior center-- Friday night dance

A very elderly gentleman (nineties), very well dressed, hair
well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling
slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well looked after image,
walks into the "cocktail lounge" section at the senior center.

Seated at the bar is an attractive elderly looking lady (mid-eighties).

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a
sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
%
It's easy to be pious when no one wants to have sex with you.
%
* Kids' Advice

Never trust a dog to watch your food. 
	- Patrick, age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer. 
	- Hannah, age 9

Never tell your mom her diet's not working. 
	- Michael, age 14

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. 
	- Taylia, age 11

Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school
assignment.
	- Traci, age 14

Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. 
	- Mitchell, age 12

A puppy always has bad breath - even after eating a Tic-Tac. 
	- Andrew, age 9

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 
	- Armir, age 9

Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick. 
	- Lauren, age 9

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the 
phone. 
	- Alyesha, age 13

Never try to baptize a cat. 
	- Eileen, age 8
%
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of
medical students.

"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula
and tibia are radically arched.  Michael, what would you do in a case
like this?"

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
%
Oneliners:

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.

Zen meditation isn't what you think...

The road to success is marked with many tempting parking spaces.
%
A judge is ready to go through the day's business and he is very
rushed.

The first case up involves an elderly Jewish gentleman with a long
beard, payes, the works.  The judge, without asking a question, says
to the clerk, "Get me a tranlslator."

Translator shows up and the judge says, "Ask him what his name is,
 how old is he and where does he come from?"

The translator says, "Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie
alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?"

The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect English
with a British accent, "Sir.  My name is Chiam Ginsburg.  I shall be
82 next Thursday and I've come from England where I hold the chair of
Hebrew Philosophy at Oxford University."

The translator turns to the judge and says, "Ehr zukt, ehr is Chiam
Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt, und ehr is, mit sach
Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun Oxford."
%
Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger
noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the
whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.

Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.

"Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California
girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend.  In back, there are 25
Coast Guard enlistees.  What would you do?"
%
I used to feel bad when going to a bar and watching the strippers with
fake breasts.  I feel a lot better now that I've started slipping fake
money under their G-strings.
%
My 10 year son and I went to the restroom at a movie theatre just
before the movie started.  There were 5 urinals there and a line had
formed up so we had to wait our turn.  When we got to the front of the
line, two of the urinals became available.  One was a short one for
little kids and the other was at a normal height for adults.  My son
rushed to the higher urinal and left me to use the smaller one.  I
didn't want to make a fuss with everybody there so I just let him go.

In the middle of relieving ourselves, my son looks to me and says
"mine's bigger than yours."  Everybody there got a good laugh out of
it.
%
My wife got mad at me the other day so she went shopping to relieve
her irritation. When she returned home she informed me that she had
purchased ten new dresses.
 
"Ten!" I hollered, "What could any woman want with ten new dresses??"
 
My wife calmly replied, "Ten new pairs of shoes."
%
Found this buried in the Alamo Rent a Car website, under the
"One-Way Rentals" policy:

"Certain one-way rentals, such as from San Francisco to Honolulu, (or vice 
versa) are not allowed."
%
What did the doctor say to the circumcision patient?

"It won't be long now!"
%
If people talk behind your back, it only means you're two steps ahead.

Benjamin Franklin may have discovered electricity, but it was the man
who invented the meter who made the money.

A man once told me, "Cheer up, things could be worse."
So I cheered up and sure enough, things got worse.
%
America is in an identity crisis: we are trying to find out who we
are, where we're coming from, where we're going, what we're made of,
and how to lose 10 to 20 pounds of it.
%
* shared wisdom

I love cooking with wine.  Sometimes I even put it in the food. 

Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don't have film. 

I know God won't give me more than I can handle. 
I just wish He didn't trust me so much. 

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 
%
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but
forgetting where you heard it.

	 -Laurence J. Peter
%
"Ladies and gentlemen, would you please fill out the evaluation forms
your flight attendants are passing out.  If you liked your flight,
this is Air New Zealand Flight 256.  If you didn't, it's Qantas Flight
1904."
%
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
%
Two indians were walking in the prairie, when they see a smoke signal.

- What does it say?

- It's just advertising.
%
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it
doesn't matter.
	 -Jack Benny
%
What is mind?  It doesn't matter.
What is matter?  Never mind!
	--Bertrand Russell
%
A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They have
had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The
final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn. With
a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the
green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the
barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife
hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.

"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send
it right through the barn onto the green."

He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife
holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the
ball a terrific "whack"! The ball shoots through the air and right
into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.

Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to
see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They
end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another
terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green. Again
he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his
score. He friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion.

"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it 
right through the barn onto the green."

"No," the man replies, "last time I did that I got two over par." 
%
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been
decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.  Incredibly drunk and
walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were
very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business
behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe
with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her
friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want
to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a
wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with
it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said,
"These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last
night without her panties."  "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came
back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said,
'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
%
A man prays for guidance: "Oh God -- What should I do with my life?
What do you expect of me?  What will happen to me after I die?  What
is the meaning of life?"

For a while, Creation is silent.  Then a booming voice, sounding
severely impatient, shouts from heaven: "READ -- THE -- F A Q !"
%
* advice:

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
%
Even though I was an engineering student at the University of
Maryland, chemistry was a required course in my day.  The Professor,
on the first day of class, asked everyone to name the most outstanding
contribution chemistry had made to society.  When my turn came, I
answered, "Blondes!"
%
Outdoor barbecue is the only type of cooking a "real" man will do.
When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of
events is put into motion:

1. The woman goes to the store. 

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is
lounging beside the grill, drinking a soda.

4. The man places the meat on the grill. 

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."  And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing
some women.
%
Santa Claus has the right idea ...visit people only once a year.
    ~Victor Borge
%
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
	-- Alex Levine
%
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
     -- Joe Namath
%
The cardiologist's diet:  If it tastes good ... spit it out.
%
A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: "Come and bury
my wife."

"But I buried your wife ten years ago," replied the undertaker.

"I got married again," the man sobbed.

"Oh," said the undertaker.  "Congratulations."
%
WARNING

  This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men.

  What happens is that when you stop for a red light, a young
  nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield.

  While she is doing this, another person opens your back
  door and steals anything in the car.

  They are very good at this.

  They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday.  I wasn't
  able to find them on Sunday.
%
* warning: ethnic

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
%
There's a new garlic diet now on the market.  You don't lose any weight,
but you look thinner from a distance.
%
I have two children, one of each.  My son enjoys playing with Lego
Bionicles, and his sister sometimes likes to play with them too.
These are robot/monster type toys that can be assembled and rebuilt to
some degree.

One morning our son comes in our room and shows us that he has taken
parts from two of the Bionicles and created a new one that has two
dangerous weapons, poison and ice.  He describes all the ways his new
toy can fight enemies.

Then our daughter comes in with Gali Nuva, the blue Bionicle.  She
likes this one because it's her favorite color.  She says Gali Nuva is
going to put on a show and do gymnastics and singing and dancing, so
everyone will sit and watch and enjoy the show.

I am thinking to myself that there is a huge difference between how
girls and boys play with the same toy.

Then my daughter continues, "So when they're all watching really
carefully, Gali Nuva can kill them."
%
* stupid puns

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

In democracy your vote counts.  In feudalism your count votes.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
%
* more stupid puns

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
%
Fathers -- take heart, your day is coming, and you can be sure of
getting at least one thing -- the bills from Mother's Day.
%
Hey guys -- looking for a great gift for your Mother-in-Law on
Mother's Day?  Why not send her back her daughter?
%
* way too long

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off.  The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions
to the beer wagon, when the call came.  I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:
_____________________________________________________

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
________________________________________________________

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
________________________________________________________

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit faced from
all the beer.
_______________________________________________________

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side! dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is
starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________________

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage, Sally! saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
________________________________________________________

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my
lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
______________________________________________________

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
________________________________________________________

CHILI # 8

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted
to a really hot chili?
%
Lady of the house: "I want you to stand at the front door and call the
guests' names as they arrive."

Butler: "Very well, madam.  I've been wanting to do that for years." 
%
* long, but has no punchline.  Sorry.

Larry is a UNIX man, heart and soul. His life has been an endless
search for a long time already so, one day, Larry decides to go for a
drink with his collegues from work, something he hasn't done in ages.
The wife left 5 years ago, when she started ranking second against a
good 'ol VT100 in bedtime perfomance.

Larry first calls himself a beer:

$ talk bartender

Afterwards, he goes and makes himself comfortable at the table.  The
pals have nothing much to say, as usual, and Larry is swearing more
than an admin after a hard-disk failure on a machine without any
backup copy.  Pretty much the only thing that helps at that point is:

$ while true; do talk bartender; done

At first, his pals don't really notice what's going on but, soon
enough, they stop his beer intake process and get him to dance along.
Larry isn't exactly in great shape, but what the heck:

$ smbd

On the dance floor, Larry spots a few attractive babes. UNIX man
hasn't really seen much of any pretty gal in ages.  Old bitches start
getting horny too and, drunkiness helping, their self-confidence is
second to none.  Larry thinks UNIX is just like a woman, it just gets
better with age.  Young chicks are pretty much nowhere to be found.
Larry thinks, "Should figure out something" and informs everyone:

$ wall
I'M A FILTHY RICH DOT-COM MILLIONAIRE!
^D

Broadcast message from Larry (pts/0) Fri Sep  5 01:09:00 2001...

I'M A FILTHY RICH DOT-COM MILLIONAIRE!

Nothing else to add, chicks all gather up around the 40-something
egghead.  Sex appeal is at maximum, with his kakis and Larry's
trademark T-shirt.  A noticably modest milionaire, he sure is.  Among
the group, he finds himself a cool-looking marketting assistant, 33
years old Melanie.  Larry checks her out.

$ df -k /dev/melanie
$ free

Perfect cookie, so out the bar and into a taxi they go.  Quick flash
of the Visa and enter the premises, only one step away from scoring.
It was about time too.  Larry vaguely remembers what the procedure is
all about and gets going:

$ touch melanie
$ unzip melanie.zip
$ strip `which melanie`

Larry's CPU slowly warms up, but the fan is in kinda bad shape.  Larry
makes a move and portscans Melanie:

$ nmap melanie.executiveassistant.cum

Two open ports are found and Larry initiates a connection with the top
level port.  Connection is established and data starts transfering
quite smoothly.  As any good BOFH, Larry wants to close the bottom
port too and, soon enough, the daemon is reconfigured for that.  Being
a smart guy, Larry also installs a transparent proxy so that viruses
don't intrude his LAN.

$ cat Makefile 
love: 
    install -g root -o root -m 0755 penis /melanie/vagina
    (mount && fsck && fsck && fsck && fsck && umount) > /dev/audio
    eject
$ make love

Soon Larry's endurance nears its limits and reaches them too:

Buffer overflow

Being an old-fashion gentleman, Larry thanks the girl, then executes:

$ sleep 25200

In the morning, Larry feels absolutely horrible, while Melanie already
got up to make coffee.

$ emacs -f coffee

Larry's tummy is storming like hell, after last night's beer tanking.
The bloke painfully drags his ass towards the tub.

Segmentation fault: Core dumped

His forces slowly return and Larry wants to know more about Melanie.
Who the hell is that girl anyhow?

$ whois melanie
$ host melanie.executiveassistant.com
melanie.executiveassistant.com		A	81.97.17.5

Melanie tells him how she's so had it with life and that big void as a
Fortune 100's underpaid worker, and that the marketting assistant
title is just her manager's stupid idea.  Larry probes the woman with
his bloody eyes and tries to comform Melanie.

$ telnet melanie 69
telnet: Unable to connect to remote host: Connection refused

"Can't go on, my head hurts too."
%
Father:  (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies)
         "Kitchy kitchy koo.  Look, she smiled... isn't she adorable?"
 
Friend:  "But your kid didn't smile."
 
Father:  "I was talking about the nurse."
%
A little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language.  Where
did you hear it?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, it doesn't matter," explained the teacher, "you don't even know
what it means."

"I do, so!" Jeffrey corrected.  "It means the car won't start."
%
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.
Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

	- Elmo Phillips
%
* warning: disgusting

If you're into bestiality, I recommend deer, because you get the most bang
for your buck. 
	- Kim Moser, from Ruminations
%
      What does it mean when a doctor tells you, "We caught this 
      just in time?"

      It means that if you had waited any longer, it would
      have cleared up by itself.
%
     -Sid:  The doctor told me to drink carrot juice after a hot bath.
      Sam:  Did it work?
      Sid:  I don't know.  I never finished drinking the hot bath.
%
Four retired guys are walking down a street in Miami Beach. Then they
turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's Bar - ALL DRINKS
10 CENTS!"

They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they realize in
this case, they should not judge the 'book by its cover.' The old
bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in
and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seems to be a fully-stocked bar, so the men all ask for a
martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis -
shaken not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each
other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents,
finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again
saying ..."That's 40 more cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can
stand.  They've each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less
than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as
good as these for a dime apiece?" 

"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and
decided to open this place.  Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor,
beer, all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story." says one of the men. The four of them
sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys
at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and
hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and
asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, those are vacationing Canadians. They're
waiting for happy hour."
%
There was a patient, a hearty fellow who was anxious for whatever
advantages he could find, confronted his physician: "Doctor, what I
need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting
mood.  Did you put something like that in this prescription?"

"No need," replied the doctor. "You'll find that in your bill ..."
%
A man goes to see the doctor because he has a sore throat. 

The nurse tells him to take all his clothes off and sit on the bench
in the hall.

The man tries to protest, but the nurse doesn't listen, repeats the
same orders and leaves the area.

The man complies with her orders and joins another naked man sitting
on the bench.

The man starts complaining to the man already sitting there, that he
only has a sore throat and doesn't understand why he has to take all
his clothes off.

The man who was already sitting on the bench nude, looks at the other
man and says "You think that's bad, I'm just here to pay my bill."
%
   The raft washed up on the lonely shore, and the exhausted survivor
crawled ashore. He lay shivered, glad he was saved, but terrified
there might be cannibals on the island.

   He climbed a small mound, saw a thin wisp of smoke curling skyward,
and, his heart in his mouth, he crept cautiously towards it, hoping
against hope it would not be a camp fire of savages. When he was
close, a voice rasped thru the jungle sharply: -

   "You dirty son-of-a-bitch! Why in Hell did you play that card?"

   The castaway fell trembling to his knees, raised his eyes and hand
towards the sky.

   "Thank God," he choked fervently. "They're Christians!"
%
"Shucks, Sunday school again, "grumbled Willie.  "I bet Pop never went
to Sunday school when he was a kid."

"He went regularly," his mother answered him.

"O.K.," agreed Willie reluctantly, "but I bet it won't do me no good
either."
%
Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call
an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer and a carpenter.  One afternoon
he returned early from work and saw a plumber's truck in the
driveway. "Lord," he pleaded, looking skyward, "please let her be
having an affair."
%
A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the
presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.  For seventeen long years
she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.  Eventually,
the old girl passed away.  On the way back from the cemetery, the
husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much,
I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the
house all those years."

His wife looked at him aghast. "My Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought
she was your Aunt Emma!"
%
The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace.
"How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?"

Not surprisingly, all hands went up.  The teacher asked, "who'll give
us the reason for being opposed to war?"

A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand.

"Johnny?"  The teacher said.

"I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and I hate
history."
%
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked
up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she
isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear
to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and
say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write,
didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell
'convenience,' so I made it 'risk'."
%
They say that with age comes wisdom.

Maybe; but since impotence and incontinence also come with age, it
hardly seems like a fair trade-off.
%
Mathematical induction for engineers:

"One, two, three, that's good enough for me."
%
Always remember the Golden Rules 
	- he who has the gold, makes the rules. 
%
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now
growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are
dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
%
The company I work for offers tours through the historic district of
Annapolis, Maryland, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing.
While leading a group, Felix, one of our guides, tripped and fell,
breaking his wrist.

He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room,
a policeman walked by.  Doing a double take at Felix in his
18th-century garb, he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?"
%
A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears.  "Oh, Mom, I
tried to make Grandmother's meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it's
just awful!  I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the
recipe right because it's the one you gave me.  But it just didn't
come out right, and I'm so upset.  I wanted this to be so special for
George because he loves meat loaf.  What could have gone wrong?"

Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the
recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each
step, and together we'll figure it out."

"OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, 'Take fifty cents
worth of ground beef' ..."
%
	Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile.
Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures.  One day,
without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation.  In
an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to
prison.

	They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports
in their hotel room.  For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get
them to name their contacts in the liberation movement...  Finally they're
hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced
to death.

	The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll
be shot.  The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have
any last requests.  Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in
Chicago.  The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to
Murray.

	"This is crazy!" Murray shouts.  "We're not spies!"  And he
spits in the sergeants face.

	"Murray!" Esther cries.  "Please!  Don't make trouble."
%
My grandma used to tell me: "You can go anywhere with a white shirt
and a smile."

Shortly after I followed that advice, I learned that "pants" should
definitely be added to that list.
%
* warning: strong language

This couple had only been married for two weeks.  The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and
party, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going coochi cooh?" asks the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face.  I'm going to have a beer."

The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him, "You want a beer
my love?"  Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him
25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries:
Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can
think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie ... but the bar ... you know
... the frozen glasses."

He didn't get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts
him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face?"  She takes out of
the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife was getting the
chills from holding it.

The husband looking a bit pale says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I
won't be long.  I'll be right back.  I promise.  OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres poochie-pooh?"  She opens the oven and takes
out 15 dishes of chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps,
pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey ... at the bar ... you know ... the swearing, the
dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words cutie pie?  Well, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN
YOUR FUCKING FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SHIT HORS D'OEUVRES,
BECAUSE YOU AIN'T GOING ANYWHERE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!"
%
                           WANTED
                         GOOD WOMAN

                       Must be able to
                        CLEAN-COOK-SEW
                          Dig Worms
                             and
                          Clean Fish
                          MUST HAVE
                        BOAT AND MOTOR

                     Please send picture
                            of
                       Boat and Motor
%
* this joke is a year old

Dear Sir,

I am a senior citizen.  During the Clinton Administration I had an
extremely good and well paying job.  I took numerous vacations and had
several vacations homes.

Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change
for the worse: I lost my job.  I lost my two sons in that terrible
Iraqi War.

I lost my home.

I lost my health insurance.

As a matter of fact, I lost virtually everything and became homeless.
Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an
animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.

I will do anything to insure President Bush's defeat in the next
election.

I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is
back in the White House come next year.  Bush has to go.

I just thought you and your listeners would like to know how one senior
citizen views the Bush Administration.

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.

Sincerely, 
Sadaam Hussein
%
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.
%
* knowledge of history needed

One day, a British Captain was driving his jeep in the streets of
Belfast.  He passed a begger on the streets with a signboard that read
"The Falklands did this to me!".

The captain stopped his vechicle and got out.  He walked to the begger
who was staring blankly in the space in front of him.  On closer
inspection, the captain noticed that the infortunate veteran had one
of his legs blown off and was missing his left hand.  Moved with
compassion and full of generosity, he took out his wallet and emptied
it into the man's lap.  The beggar took a few seconds to register,
looked up and said "Gracias Senor, mucho gracias.!"
%
A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.

	"Hello?" his friend answers.

	"Hi!" says the man.  "This is Bob, how are you doing?"

	"Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great!  I just sold a screenplay
for two hundred thousand dollars.  I've started a novel adaptation and the
studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it.  I also have a television
series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
I'm doing *great*!  How are you?"

	"Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
%
	One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
and drove off along the route.  No problems for the first few stops -- a few
people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.  At the next
stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.  Six feet eight, built like a
wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.  He glared at the driver and said,
"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
	Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
meek?  Well, he was.  Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
happy about it.  Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down.  And the next day, and the
one after that, and so forth.  This grated on the bus driver, who started
losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.  Finally he
could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
and all that good stuff.  By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
what's more, he felt really good about himself.
	So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
	With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has an
annual bus pass."
%
Things I've Learned from My Children

* There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

* If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller 
blades, they can ignite.

* A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.

* If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a
superman cape.

* It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a
20 by 20 foot room.

* Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

* You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

* When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit.

* A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

* The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.

* When you hear the toilet flush and the words `Uh-oh', it's already
too late.

* Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

* A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

* A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

* If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it
does not leak -- it explodes.

* A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house
4 inches deep.

* Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

* Duplos will not.

* Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

* Super glue is forever.

* Tarzan can teach us many things we don't want to know.

* No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.

* Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

* VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.

* Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

* Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

* You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

* Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

* Plastic toys do not like ovens.

* The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response
time.

* The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make Earth worms
dizzy.

* It will however make cats dizzy.

* Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
%
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people
remembering the same thing.

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet.

Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of
pulling out an eel.

I don't think I'll get married again.  I'll just find a woman I don't
like and give her a house.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
%
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive
and probing, when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing
rabbits singing about toilet paper.
		--Rod Serling

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they
have a common enemy. 
		--Sam Levenson

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color
and fall from the trees. 
		--David Letterman
%
I love deadlines.  I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
		--Douglas Adams

This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong. 
		--Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague

You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile
and a gun. 
		--Al Capone

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the
toilets locked.  They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.
		--Joey Bishop
%
* from the Melbourne Herald Sun, Apr 19, 2005

Police in Romania have caught a serial dater who invited women for
romantic meals at expensive restaurants then ran off, leaving them to
pay the bill.

Police say good-looking romeo, George Hodoroaba, 23, struck dozens of
times in the town of Suceava in eastern Romania.

Five women have so far come forward to register complaints against
Hodoroaba.

A police spokesman said the fraud would demand the best wines and told
his female guest to have whatever she wanted.

Hodoroaba would say he had to make an important phone call and needed
to go outside and then would vanish.
%
Red meat is NOT bad for you.  Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you!
		--Tommy Smothers

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy
something. 
		--Jackie Mason

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day
always just exactly fits the newspaper. 
		--Jerry Seinfeld

If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in
the dark.  
		--Michael Landon
%
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
		--Wendell Johnson

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or
lose.
		--Darrin Weinberg

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. 
		--Fran Lebowitz

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
		--Aldous Huxley

It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's
the things you know that just ain't so.  
		-- Artimus Ward, 1834-1867

Put another way: You can always spot a well informed man - his views are
the same as yours.  
		-- Ilka Chase
%
This stork is carrying an old man.  He says:

"C'mon, give it up, confess that we are lost!"
%
I've always had problems taking a woman to my place.
Earlier because of my parents and now because of my wife.
%
An experienced surgeon rebukes a young one.

- Who taught you to make such awful incisions? 
  This is the fourth operating table you've scratched up.
%
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, yet it can damage your business.
%
A mother and the daughter are standing in front of the Venus de Milo.
The mother says:

- Look: this is what happens to girls who chew their fingernails.
%
The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials
plus flight engineers and navigators.  The crusty old-timer captain is
breaking in a brand new navigator.

The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the
glare panel.  He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"

"No, sir," replies the newbie.

"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain,
winking at his first officer.

The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 an sets it on
his chart table.

"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.

"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you
will."
%
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her
students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent
family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet,
what would you say to her?"

Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back
in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word
''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Dirty Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment.  I
have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be
able to introduce to you after dinner."

The teacher passed out.
%
A site foreman had ten lazy men working for him, so one day he decided
to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he
announced.  "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.
%
He said... This coffee isn't fit for a pig!
She said... No problem, I'll get you some that is.

He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, 
	have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said... No, have you?
%
I used to think it was a silly affectation to drink different wines
from different style glasses, but I have finally become a convert.

I now definitely prefer drinking hearty, macho reds from my
Spiderman glass and lighter, fruity whites from Sponge Bob.
%
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The
hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing;
3. feeding; and 4. mating.
 -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course 
%
I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick
and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up
in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not!
But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!
 -- Monty Python 
%
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
	 -- George Carlin 
%
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
	 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 
%
A man walks into a bar.  He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman
sitting on a bar stool alone.  He walks up to her and says, "Hi there,
how's it going tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw
anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding?  What law firm do
you work for?"
%
I just bought a Chihuahua.  It's the dog for lazy people.  You don't
have to walk it.  Just hold it out the window and squeeze.
%
Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying 
job.  The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, 
but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied.  After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator 
(he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he 
wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! 
He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very 
curious.  The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though 
he got such a simple question wrong.

The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."
%
President Bush has loosened air quality standards.  He’s gotten an
organization to say such a move will create more work: The American
Association of Allergists. 
	-- Alan Ray
%
Today I walked into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman.  "Can I
have a dozen condoms, Miss?"  

She replied, "Don't 'Miss' me, mister."  

I still can't figure out why she slapped my face when I said, "Well
then, you better make it 13."
%
* Some Tips

~ When reading a book, try tearing out the pages as you read them.
This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later
be used for shopping lists.

~ Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by
holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

~ Avoid being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the
wheels and locking them safely in the car until you return.

~ Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers to "fast
wipe" whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

~ Take your trash can to the supermarket with you so that you can see
which items you have recently run out of.

~ No time for a bath?  Wrap yourself in duct tape and remove the dirt
by simply peeling it off.

~ Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting 
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
%
Bad Bart and his marauding band of highwaymen, bank robbers, horse
thieves and 3 card Monte cheats had just woken up for the day and were
getting ready to pillage the local town.

Bart was giving last minute instructions to his men, none of whom was
renowned for their intelligence, before they all rode into town.  "All
right men, we're going to ride into town, we're gonna kill all the
men, we're gonna rape all the women, and we're gonna steal all the
horses... and for Chrissake, try to keep it straight this time."
%
I just got a paypal phishing scam in my inbox.  Interestingly, the URL
that it really was going to send me to was:

http://###.###.###.###/~demo/scam/.paypalDLLUPDATE/index.html
                             ^^^^

At least they're honest about it.
%
One evening a man walked into a fast-food chicken place and bought a
nine-piece bucket of chicken.  He took his chicken to the park for a
romantic picnic under the moonlight with his lady.  Upon reaching into
the bucket, however, he received a surprise.  Instead of chicken he
discovered what was apparently the restaurant's night deposit -- nine
thousand dollars.  The young man brought the bucket back to the store
and asked for his chicken in exchange for the money.  The manager, in
awe of the young man's honesty, asked for his name and told him he
wanted to call the newspaper and the local news station to do a story
on him.  He would become a local hero, an example of honesty and
morality that would inspire others!  The hungry man shrugged it off.

"My date's waiting. I just want my chicken." The manager's renewed
amazement over the young man's humility almost overwhelmed him.  He
begged to be allowed to tell the story on the news.  At this the
honest man became angry with the manager and demanded his chicken.

"I don't get it," the manager responded.  "You are an honest man in a
dishonest world!  This is a perfect opportunity to show the world that
there are honest people still willing to take a stand for what is
right.  Please, give me your name and also the woman's name.  Is that
your wife?"

"That's the problem," said the young man.  "My wife is at home. The
woman in the car is my girlfriend.  Now let me have my chicken so I
can get out of here."
%
Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry
throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?


*
*
*
*
*
*
*


BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK! 
%
* warning: racy

FACTS:

10% of women had sex within the first hour of their first date.  20%
of men had sex in a non-traditional place.  36% of women favour
nudity.  45% of women prefer dark men with blue eyes.  46% of women
experienced anal sex.  70% of women prefer sex in the morning.  80% of
men have never experienced homosexual relations.  90% of women would
like to have sex in the forest.  99% of women have never experienced
sex in the office.

CONCLUSION:

Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in
the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the
office at the end of the day.

MORAL: 

Do not stay late at the office, nothing good can come of it. 
	-- William Brabant
%
If Einstein was so smart, why didn't he ever use a comb and some hair
gel before having his picture taken? 
%
* warning: really heavy on Unix material

The Customer and the Unix Consultant

Cust: what is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?
UNIX: yes, that's correct.
Cust: no, what is it?
UNIX: yes.
Cust: so, which is the one?
UNIX: no. 'which' is used to find the program.
Cust: stop this. who are you?
UNIX: use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. you can also 'finger yoo' to get 
	information about 'yoo'.
Cust: all i want to know is what finds the revision code?
UNIX: use 'what'.
Cust: that's what i am trying to find out. isn't that true?
UNIX: no. 'true' gives you 0.
Cust: which one?
UNIX: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'
Cust: let's get back to my problem. what program? how do i find it?
UNIX: type 'find/-name it' to find 'it'.  Type 'what program' to get the 
	revision code.
Cust: i want to find the revision code.
UNIX: you can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.
Cust: which command will do what i need?
UNIX: no. 'which command' will find 'command'.
Cust: i think i understand. let me write that.
UNIX: you can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.
Cust: write what?
UNIX: no. 'write that'. 'what program'.
Cust: cut that out!
UNIX: yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. don't forget the options.
Cust: do you always do this?
UNIX: 'du' will give you disk usage.
Cust: HELP!
UNIX: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).
Cust: you make me angry.
UNIX: no, I don't 'make me' angry but i did 'make programname' when i was 
	upset once.
Cust: i don't want to make trouble, so no more.
UNIX: no 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. every system  has 
	'more'.
Cust: nice help! I'm confused more now.
UNIX: understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better 
	not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is.  
	Unless of course 'now' is a file name.
Cust: this is almost as confusing as my PC.
UNIX: i didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. let me get you to the Pascal 
	compiler team. 
%
Is It Better To Be A Jock Or A Nerd?

The answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?":

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game.  That equals $10,000 a
minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game.

With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or
not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while
visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $9.50, but he'll make
$18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling
it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

He'd make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura SLX (about $90,000) it would
take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they
would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'd probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
reimbursed around $30,000 during that round.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax
deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30
a.m.  on January 1st.

If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be
living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He'd make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the
Olympics.

He'd make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy
Chicago restaurant, he'd pull in about $5600.

In his last year, he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past
presidents for all of their terms combined.

... However...

... If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll
still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Game over.  Nerd wins. 
%
"Deed you bring gold with you, Senor?"

"Nope"

"Deed you bring silver?"

"Nope"

"What deed you bring for me, then?"

"Just lead"
	-- John Wayne (Chisum)
%
After a long day of listening to a Texan brag, a New Yorker decided to
show the Texan the Empire State Building.

When the Texan put down New York's well-known landmark by saying
"Heck, that's nothing.  In Texas, we have outhouses bigger than that!"

The New Yorker responded, "You need them!"
%
Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store,  painted on the
ground at a crosswalk in letters 4 foot tall;  YELD

Close, but not close enough.  I drove through the following week and
found it was changed.  They had painted an I between the existing
letters.  It read YEILD.

About two months later they finally fixed it.  The old lettering was
painted over with black and freshly painted on top of that is the
word STOP.
%
Q: What is the best practical joke ever played?

A: The best, and simplest, practical joke was played many
   years ago during Oxford's Rag Week, when jokers told
   a group of workmen who were digging up a road that
   some undergraduates masquerading as policemen were
   about to arrest them as a rag stunt.

   The jokers then told a group of policemen that 
   undergraduates masquerading as workmen were digging 
   up the road as a rag stunt.
%
* life sucks: part I: childhood

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection.  My yo-yo, it
never came back!

When I was a kid I got no respect.  The time I was kidnapped, and the
kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand
dollars or you'll see your kid again."

What a dog I got.  His favorite bone is in my arm!

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my
finger to my father.  He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap.  He was in
the electric chair.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find
my parents.  I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"  He
said, "I don't know kid.  There are so many places they can hide."

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his
wallet.
%
* life sucks: part II

I'm not a sexy guy.  I went to a hooker.  I dropped my pants.  She
dropped her price.

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect.  I told him, "I've
swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills."  He told me to have a few
drinks and get some rest.

I come from a stupid family.  During the Civil War my great uncle
fought for the west!

My father was stupid.  He worked in a bank and they caught him
stealing pens.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the
tenth floor.  They sent a priest up to talk to me.  He said, "On your
mark..."

I met the surgeon general.  He offered me a cigarette.

Last night my wife met me at the front door.  She was wearing a sexy 
negligee.  The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

My marriage is on the rocks again.  Yeah, my wife just broke up with her 
boyfriend.
%
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to  be.
%
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons.  Civil Engineers build targets.
%
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. 
If you can fake that, you're in." 
   -- Richard Jeni
%
The administration of this particular elementary school decided to
start a more inclusive policy on which words were "bad" words.  Among
those initiated to the category was "suck" (when not referring to the
principle of suction).

One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of the
other students had said a bad word.

"What was the bad word he said?" asked the teacher.

"I can't say it."

"It's ok to tell me, you won't get in trouble for it."

"No, it's too bad, I don't want to say it"

"Well I have to know what he said in order to punish him.  Can you
tell me what it is without saying it?"

"Well... it rhymes with 'fuck'"
%
"What do you love most about me," a husband asked his wife, "my tremendous 
athletic ability or my superior intellect?" 

"What I love most about you is your sense of humor."
%
(Stephen Wright's Thoughts)

I planted some bird seed.  A bird came up.  Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- maybe twice.

Photons have mass?  I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

What is a "free" gift?  Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible.... and I believed them.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists... they don't talk about other people.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

The speed of time is one second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a
man who can't get his pants off.
%
A guy in the elevator of a four-star hotel shouts, "Ballroom, please!"

The lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "Sorry, I
didn't realize I was crowding you."
%
The sniper school of the United States Marine Corps is one of the
hardest military schools in the world.  As the legend goes, before you
qualify as a sniper, after you have completed all the physical
requirements including shooting, you have to answer some questions.
The last and the hardest question is the following:

"You are positioned on a tree.  It is on the edge of a clearing.  The
clearing is your kill zone.  You must kill the first thing, whatever
it will be, that enters that zone, and you must kill it with your
first shot.  Until you have completed this mission, you have to sit on
that tree, you must not move, eat, drink, pee, or do anything else,
lest you scare your prey away."

"After you've been sitting on that tree for four hours, in the sun,
wind and rain, not moving a muscle, a six-year old girl enters the
clearing, with a baby on her arm.  What is the very very first thing
that you feel?"

"Sir, recoil, Sir!"
%
Jimmy and Nigel were sitting at a sidewalk cafe in Paris, watching the
pretty girls walk by.  Jimmy, not wanting to live the Ugly American
Tourist experience, had been reading a French phrasebook and would
occasionally try out a phrase on the waiter, who wore perpetual look
of distaste.  Nigel, the jaded Englishman, just smoked cigarettes,
sipped wine, and leered at the miniskirted femmes as they passed.
Jimmy had enough phrases memorized that he finally decided to strike
up a conversation with a rather comely mademoiselle.  The pretty girl
was flattered and very patient with Jimmy, ocassionally offering tips
in pronunciation and idiom.  Before she left, she scribbled her phone
number on a napkin and kissed him on the cheek before she ran off to
her appointment.

Jimmy turned to Nigel and lifted his wineglass in elation... "Mon
Dieu, Nigel, here's to French girls!  I just LOVE the way they roll
their R's!

Nigel replied.  "It's the high heels."
%
"I'm getting a divorce," said Mike to his friend Bill. "The wife
hasn't spoken with me for six months."

Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Are you sure you know
what you're doing, Mike? Wives like that are awfully damn hard to
find!"
%
I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump.
%
The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the
telephone when it rang. "You must answer the telephone," he told her
irritably. 

"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of
ten, it's for you!"
%
A woman is feeling poorly and sends a telegram to her husband  on a
business trip to come home as soon as possible, "NOT GETTING ANY
BETTER.  COME HOME."

Imagine the husband's surprise when he received, "NOT GETTING ANY.
BETTER COME HOME."
%
The trick is to stop thinking it as 'your' money.
 -IRS auditor
%
In today's mail I got a correction notice on my 2004 taxes.

It seems I overpaid them $8.00 -- Yes, apparently the check I sent was
$8 too much.  So, as I said, the IRS was kind enough to inform me that
I sent them $8 too much.

They will be refunding it to me, unless I care to object.  Yes, I can
expect a refund in the amount of $2.14.

WHAT?  $2.14 you ask?  But, didn't you just say that you overpaid them
$8?  Ah, yes, very astute gentle reader.  I did say that.

It seems, however, they are charging me penalties and interest in the
sum of $5.86 for sending them too much money.

That is our fine government at work.
%
* for your insult collection

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen
at birth?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Go ahead, tell them everything you know.  It'll only take 10 seconds.

Here's 20 cents.  Call all your friends and bring back some change!

How did you get here?  Did someone leave your cage open?

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
%
Lucky is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas.  Eventually he
gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter from another
gambler just to use the men's room.  He finds a stall that happens to
be open and pockets the quarter.

Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a
slot machine and hits the jackpot.  He takes his winnings and goes to
the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million
dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Lucky goes on the lecture circuit,
where he tells his incredible story.  He tells his audiences that he
will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever
finds the man he will share his fortune with him.

After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says,
"I'm that man.  I was the one who gave you the quarter."

"Yes, I remember you, but you aren't the one I'm looking for.  I mean
the guy who left the door open!"
%
* warning: private anatomy parts 

The anatomy lesson for the week was the way in which the body of a
handicapped person compensates for its deficiency.  As an example, the
professor showed a slide of a man with no legs whose arms and
shoulders had consequently become hugely muscled.  "Your assignment,"
he instructed the students, "is to find someone who has compensated
for a physical handicap and to report on it for the class."

After class a pretty medical student went into the bar next door, and
what should she catch sight of but a hunchback nursing a beer at the
bar.  Screwing up her courage, she went over and told him about her
assignment.  "If you don't mind my asking," she said sweetly, "is
there some part of your anatomy which has compensated for your
handicap?"

"As a matter of fact there is," said the hunchback.  "Come up to my
place and I'll show you."  When they got upstairs, he dropped his
pants and revealed the biggest sexual organ she had ever seen.
Kneeling down, she couldn't resist touching it, then caressing it,
then rubbing it against her face.

"Jesus Christ, don't blow it!" screamed the hunchback, jumping back.
"That's how I got the hump on my back."
%
When Charles De Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British
ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour.  At
the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame De
Gaulle.

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence
on the French and International scene for so many years!  How quiet
retirement will seem in comparison.  What are you most looking forward
to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame De Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table.  Everyone heard her answer... and no
one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I
believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"
%
I'm thinking about getting married. 

I looked up the word "engaged" in the dictionary. 

It said, "To do battle with the enemy." 

Then I looked up mother-in-law.  It said, "See engaged."
%
The patient shook his head gingerly as he slowly regained
consciousness.

"Well Doc..." he asked, "tell me was the operation a success?"

"Sorry son." was the reply.  "I'm afraid I'm not your doctor, I'm
Saint Peter."
%
The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has
spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K.  This is a horrible lie and
one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.  I am embarrassed and
do not intend to accept this.  Now I want the party who did this to
stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. 

The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and
admit this is a falsehood.  Remember, you will be forgiven and in our
heart you will feel glory.  Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.  

Slowly a gorgeous blonde rose from the third pew.  Her head was bowed
and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.  I never said
you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.  I told a couple of friends
you were a wizard under the sheets.
%
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender.
For example...

  1) Freezer Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in,
but you can see right through them.

  2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a
while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if
the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons
are pushed.

  3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

  4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you
have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air
part.

  5) Sponges -- female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

  6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

  7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

  8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom.

  9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

  10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male.
But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it,
and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps
trying.
%
I was in the ROTC program.  I remember once, I was walking through
campus and my instructor grabs me and he's a real big guy, and yells,
"It's been six weeks since I've seen you in camouflage class!"

I said, "I'm getting good."
%
A female employee complains to her employer:

"All the other women in the office are suing you for sexual
harassment.

Since you haven't sexually harassed me, I'm suing you for
discrimination."
%
Last night my spouse was berating me for wanting to check my email as
soon as I got home from work.  "You know", she complained, "I think
that work rules your life".

"No dear," I replied, "_you_ rule my life.  I just prefer work."
%
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice -- picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.  The pond was
properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
over, as he hadn't been there for a while.  He grabbed a five-gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.  As he neared the pond, he heard
voices shouting and laughing with glee.  As he came closer he saw it
was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end.   One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked."  Holding the bucket up
he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast.
%
I hear the Irish are planning to switch over to driving on the right.
They will introduce it in monthly stages, starting with the lorries.
%
Hotels are tired of getting ripped off.  I checked into a hotel and
they had towels from my house.
%
I don't have a problem with San Francisco parking.  
I drive a forklift.
%
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was
very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!"
Her face was beaming.  He gave her that "who are you look," and
couldn't remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and
apologized.  "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw
you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked
out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the
world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of
who fathers her children!"

Then he got a little panicky.  "I don't remember her," he thought but,
MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in
college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are
you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk
and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face.  "I'm your son's
second grade teacher."
%
Never interrupt your opponent while he is making a mistake.
%
The taste of low quality lingers long after the satisfaction of low price.
%
* warning: sex

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.  I went in to
buy a package of condoms.  There was a beautiful woman behind the
counter, and she could see that I was new at it.  She handed me the
package and asked, if I knew how to wear one.  I honestly answered,
"No."  So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her
thumb.  She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.  I
apparently still looked confused.  So she looked all around the store.
It was empty.

She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it.

She then said, it was time to slip the condom on.  As I was slipping
it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a
desk.

"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."

So I climbed on her.  It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no
longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" 

I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.
%
A couple were discussing people's eating habits.

The husband, a devout meat-and-potatoes man, listened as his wife
described a friend who was a vegetarian.

"Could you imagine never having a steak again," she asked him, "and
living on food like tofu, fruit, vegetables and salad?"

"That stuff isn't food," he snorted.  "That's what food eats!"
%
When my husband worked at a prison, we only had one car, so I used
to roll out of bed at 5a.m. drive him to work, then come home and
tumble back into bed and sleep.

One day while chatting with his colleagues he took out his wallet
and showed them a portrait photo of me.

"Wow!" a workmate remarked to my husband. "Who's that?"

"My wife," he replied proudly.

"Oh," his friend responded, looking puzzled. "Then who's that
woman who drops you off in the morning?"
%
Thank Heavens that Picasso wasn't a plastic surgeon.
%
An 18-year-old girl tells her Mum that she is two months late. Very
worried, the mother rushes off to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says: "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know now!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a red
Ferrari stops in front of their house and a mature and distinguished
man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps
out and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl,
and he explains: "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the
problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family
situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for
your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born
I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa
and a $1,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$2,000,000 bank account. If it's twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, well... what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father - who had remained silent - places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and says, "Then I reckon you'll just have
to sleep with her again!"
%
* sorry for the double joke from two days ago 

		Before and After the wedding:

Before							After
================================================================
You take my breath away		     I feel like I'm suffocating

Twice a night					   Twice a month

She loves the way I control         She called me a controlling, 
   a situation.			       manipulative egomaniac.

Saturday Night Fever			   Monday Night Football

Don't stop					     Don't start

Is that all you're having?    Maybe you should have just a salad

It's like I'm living in a dream     It's like he lives in a dorm

$60/doz.					      $1.50/stem

Turbocharged					      Jump-start

We agree on everything 		      We can't agree on anything

Victoria's Secret			       Fruit-of-the-Loom

Idol							    Idle

He's lost without me       Why won't he ever ask for directions?

Time stood still			  Where did the time go?

I can hardly believe             I can't believe I ended up with 
  we found each other                       someone like you
%
* from National Geographic News, August 16, 2005
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2005/08/0816_050816_cowpollution.html

California Cows Fail Latest Emissions Test
James Owen
for National Geographic News
August 16, 2005

Standing around chewing the cud, cows don't look especially
threatening.  But dairy herds in California are the latest livestock
to be branded an environmental health risk on account of their
flatulent behavior.

This month government regulators issued a report identifying dairy
cows as the main source of smog-forming pollutants in the San Joaquin
Valley, California.  

The announcement highlights growing concern over the global impact of
greenhouse gases produced by cattle and other livestock.

A dairy cow annually emits almost 20 pounds (9 kilograms) of
smog-forming gases known as volatile organic compounds (VOCs) more
than a car or light truck, according to the San Joaquin Valley United
Air Pollution Control District.

[...]

"In more rural communities as much as 50 percent of the methane comes
from livestock," said Jamie Newbold, professor at the Institute of
Rural Sciences in Aberystwyth, Wales.

Newbold is among a growing number of scientists now investigating how
farm animals influence atmospheric pollution.  The field is sometimes
dismissed by critics as "fart science."

"Actually it's belching, not farting, that's the problem," Newbold
said.  "A full-grown dairy cow can belch 400 to 500 liters [106 to 132
gallons] of methane a day."
%
* more insults

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.  This is good!

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my
way.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

I like you.  You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
%
* more insults

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

I'm not being rude.  You're just insignificant.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made.  Others will be blamed.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Nice perfume.  Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?
%
Somebody in Canada started a contest to come up with a saying 
analogous to "As American as apple pie." The idea was to 
finish this sentence: "As Canadian as..."

The winner: "As Canadian as possible under the circumstances."
%
A traveler checked in at a hotel that advertised widely as offering
everything a client might desire.  The traveler at once called room
service.  "I want to have brought to my room," he said, "a young virgin
between the ages of 18 and 19, who must have blonde hair and blue eyes.
I also want sent up 4 pieces of strong rope, each exactly 4 feet in
length, and a cat-o'-nine-tails.  Finally, I want a Hungarian coachman,
30 years of age, with a dark complexion.  And hurry, because I'm tired
and need to unwind.

It was a full hour before room service called back and with a deeply
apologetic tone said, "Sir, we have the rope, and the cat-o'-nine-tails.
It was more difficult to find the virgin you required, for in this area
of the country few girls reach the age of 18 with virginity intact.  We
have one of the rare ones, however, and she is blonde.  We are
devastated to have to report though that we cound find no Hungarian
coachman of the kind you requested.  We do have a Romanian coachman.
Would he do?"

"I'm afraid not," said the traveler sadly.  "So in that case, just send
up a piece of Danish pastry and some hot tea."
%
Always keep several get well cards on the mantel.  If unexpected
guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean.
%
Some days when I look out my window, the sheer boundless beauty of
nature amazes me.  Her rolling hills, her scenic valleys and her
gently undulating grasslands fill me with awe and pleasure.

On other days, though, my "does-yoga-in-the-nude" neighbor has the
shades down.
%
The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in
very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.  "Tie
me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went golfing.
%
The minister drove into a sand trap.  He picked up his golf club,
broke it but didn't say a word.

Then he picked up the golf bag and tore it to shreds
but didn't say a word.

He then took out all the golf balls and flung them into the woods
but did not say one word.

Finally he muttered, "I'm gonna have to give it up."

"Golf" asked the caddie.

"No" he replied. "The ministry."
%
* warning: political material

I knew America was influencing the Middle East.
Now Iran has a religious-bigot-know-nothing for its president.
%
A Zen master once said to me:

"Do the opposite of whatever I tell you."

So I didn't.
%
I finally have a dental insurance plan.  I chew on the other side.
%
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky." -- From an old carrier sailor
%
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?

If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies."
%
Here's a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler.
Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up.  The phone rings, it's
loud and you can't turn it down.

I leave the number of the room next to me.  It just rings very quietly
and you hear a guy yell, "Why are you calling me?"  Then you get up
and take a shower.  It's great.
%
If your parachute doesn't open up for you, you've obviously jumped to a
conclusion.
%
Sign in a travel agency window: "Please go away."
%
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says:

"No way, you won't bring it back."
%
Hummingbirds have forgotten the words.
%
Congress holds committee hearings today to grill Major League
ballplayers about performance-enhancing drugs in baseball.

The hearings are so pointless.

What can a bunch of guys on steroids teach a bunch of guys on Viagra
about cheating?
%
It's awfully difficult to believe that only about two hundred years
ago Americans went to war to avoid taxation.
%
Halliburton got a contract to help rebuild in the Gulf Coast.  
We're hearing they're starting with Trent Lott's house.
%
Overheard at an auction sale:
"Sold to the lady with her husband's hand over her mouth."
%
I've always been handy at fix-it jobs around the house
and I've tried to train my children to follow suit.

Recently one of my sons asked his wife to hold the flashlight
while he replaced a faulty electrical switch.

Only mildly interested, she asked him after a short pause,
"How did you learn to do this stuff?"

"By holding the flashlight," he replied.
%
What will today's younger generation tell their children they had to do
"without"?
%
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao is definitely not Jewish.
%
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I
thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone
booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in.  It was an ad for a girl calling
herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.  She had
all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy
hair, long graceful legs all the way up.  You know the kind.  So I'm
in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says.  Wow! she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my
room and give me one.  No, wait, I should be straight with you.  I'm
in town all alone and what I really want is sex.  I want it hard, I
want it hot, and I want it now.  I'm talking kinky the whole night
long.  You name it, we'll do it.  Bring implements, toys, everything
you've got in your bag of tricks.  We'll go hot and heavy all night;
tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip
cream, anything you want baby.  Now, how does that sound?"

She says,

"That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
%
Have you heard about the Hooters application process?
They hand the girls a bra and say "Fill this out."
%
"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."

"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography 
and the dancers just hit each other."

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.  And I 
can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."

"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,
like I am now."

"Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?"
%
Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's
house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something.

"He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife.

"Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning,"
the neighbor began.

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look,
"but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," said the neighbor,
"you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"
%
Bumper sticker: No radio. Already stolen.
%
Researchers have recently unearthed the text of the first
transcontinental telegraph message.  Reportedly, it reads

	ENLARGE YOUR MALE MEMBER STOP GUARANTEED RESULTS STOP ...
%
The Dalai Lama receives a huge present in a very nice box.  He unwraps
it feverishly to discover that the box is empty.  Then he exclaims:

"Just what I always wanted!"
%
* warning: philosophy involved in a technical way

A man does a good deed and as a reward his guardian angel appears and
offers him the answer to any question he wishes to ask.  But she says
to take his time and she will return in two days.  Well the man
immediately realized he could become very rich: Which stock will go up
the most over the next five years?  Which horse will win the Kentucky
Derby?  Who will win the next Superbowl? etc.  But then he thought,
why waste this chance of a lifetime on money?  After all, money is
only a means to happiness.  With the right question he can determine
the secret of happiness itself!  But the more he thought about it, the
more he worried about tricks the angel might play: for example,
suppose he asked, "What will make me the happiest man in the
universe?"  And she answered, "Go live on planet Rigel III" - perhaps
true, but perfectly useless.

So our careful questioner decided to take this problem to the nearest
philosophy department for assistance.  He put the problem to the
chair. The chair loved the challenge and as it happens, they were
having a departmental meeting that evening anyway, so he told the man
to return the next day.  When the man returned, the chair beamed and
informed him that the department put its best minds together and came
up with the best possible question to ask the angel - and naturally he
told the man the question to ask.

The next day the angel appeared and asked, "Well, do you have a
question for me?"  "Yes," the man replied with a great deal of
confidence in his voice. "What are the members of the following
ordered pair: the first member of the pair is the best possible
question I could ask you, and the second member of the pair is the
answer to that question?"  The angel smiled and said, "You know, you
couldn't have asked me a better question.  In fact the first member of
the pair IS the question you just asked.  But that means the second
member is the answer I'm giving you now."
%
* warning: religious 

"Would you have any objections to being `Born Again'?"

"I don't know.  But I bet my mother would."
%
The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when
to cringe.
%
* warning: religions involved

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught
Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance,
a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her.  He noted what a fine
looking woman she was.  While they were taking up the collection, the
man leaned forward and said,

"Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?" 

"Why Yes, that would be nice," the lady responded. 

Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.  On Tuesday he picked
the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of
South Carolina.  When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her
and suggested,

"Would you like a cocktail before dinner?" 

"Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood,
"What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, our gentleman was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until
after dinner. When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked,
"Would you like a smoke?"

"Oh my goodness no!," said the woman "I couldn't face my Sunday School
class if I did."

Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and
as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday
Inn.  He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had
nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh.  Mmmm how would you
like to stop at this motel?"

"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.

The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U turn right
then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in.  The next
morning after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman awoke first.
He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with
remorse thought, "What have I done?"

He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing,
whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them.  'You don't have to
smoke and drink to have a good time'.
%
An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a
mathematician were hiking through the hills of Scotland.  Cresting the
top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep.  The
engineer says:

"What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black."

"Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the
experimental physicist.

The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says "Well,
at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black."

"Well," the mathematician responds, "on one side, anyway."
%
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second
half by our children.
	-Clarence Darrow
%
Theorem: 1$ = 1cent.

Proof:

1$ = 100c
   = (10c)^2
   = (0.1$)^2
   = 0.01$
   = 1c

Now you know where all your money goes.
%
* you need equal-sized fonts to read this

From the people, who brought you "The graduate game of life"
                        THE POST-DOC PERSONEL GAME

|------------------------------------------------------------------------|
|START             |Send out |Sorry No |Send out |Not Hiring|Hot tip     |
|So you want       |resume   |Jobs here|C.V.     |Just Now  |On Job.     |
|A job?            |Advance  |Go Back  |Advance  |Go Back   |Advance     |
|Do you feel lucky?|One Space|2 Spaces |One Space|4 Spaces  |One Space   |
|------------------------------------------------------------------------|
                                                            |So sorry    |
                                                            |Just a Rumor|
The game that challenges all post-doc's to find employment. |Go Back     |
                                                            |6 spaces    |
Just roll a die and move along the board accordingly.       |============|
                                                            |WAY TO GO!!!|
                                                            |Here's a job|
It's not as easy as it looks.                               |  designed  |
                                                            |just for you|
                                                            ==============
%
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
%
What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of
his mouth?

The stage is level.
%
Q: How can you tell an extroverted geek?
A: He stares at YOUR shoes while talking to you.
%
Math problems?  

Call 1-800-\int_{x=0}^\infty [(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(x)/2.362x] dx
%
The young lady said to Grandpa, "I noticed that when you sneeze,
you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."

"Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth?"
%
* warning: contemporary political figures bashed

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class
for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,
that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a
great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the
room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy (Lil Johnny) raised his
hand.  In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and
Mrs.Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to
smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be tragedy?"

"Well," says Lil Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as
hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident
either."
%
A Geordie businessman had worked long and hard to build up his
business from nothing.  He had had to leave his roots behind and set
up in London and had struggled to succeed despite all the north-south
prejudices. But eventually he had succeeded, and had become a self
made millionaire.

Determined that his young son would get a better start in life than he
had himself, he enrolled him in an exclusive public school.  On the
boy's first day, his father had a private chat with the extremely posh
English master.

"Ah want ye," he said, "to larn wor lad to taalk proper, like - like
wot ye does, ye knaa.  Ye see, ah want him tae be successful doon
here, ye knaa, an' ah divn't want him to get treated like shite by aal
them stuck-up southern twats, like wot ah aalways was!  So can ye give
him some of them elocution lessons, like?"

"Well," replied the master in his plummy Queen's English, "That is
much easier said than done!  But one has always enjoyed a challenge so
one shall see what one can do."

At the end of the first term, the businessman went to collect his son
from the school for the holiday.  He went to see the English master to
find out how things were progressing.

"Hadaway an' shite, man!" said the master, "Divn't ye taalk tae me
aboot your f***in' kid, ye buggah!"
%
Johhny comes to school with a swollen lip.  The teacher asks what went
wrong.

"I went fishing with my father, and a big wasp landed on my face."

"And you got stung?"

"No, my father hit it with an oar before it got a chance."
%
Three ladies are sitting on a bench in Florida.  The first one says,
"My son is so rich, every year he sends me on a trip around the world,
I don't need it I don't want it.  But he sends me anyway."  

The third lady replies: "Fantastic".

The second lady says, "my son is doing so well, every year he sends me
$50,000. I don't need it, I really don't want it, but he says I should
have it."

The third lady says "Fantastic"

After a quiet 3 or 4 minutes, the two ladies turn to the third woman
and say, "so, nu what does your son give you?'

"Well, he works hard for a living, he doesn't really make a lot of
money and what he has he needs for his own family....but about three
years ago he sent me to charm school."

"Charm school?' they ask incredulously.  "What did you learn at charm
school?"

"Actually not very much," she replied, "except I learned instead of
saying `bullshit', say `fantastic'."
%
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? 

She said -That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I
sit on the sofa and watch TV.
%
When I was a child I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow
up, you can marry any girl you please."

When I became a young man, I learned, the fallacy of that was, I
couldn't please any of them.
%
"According to the 'Wall Street Journal', researchers at Harvard
have found an enzyme in the brain that regulates obesity.

They said if it wasn't for our brains, we would all be thin.
That's why supermodels are so skinny."
%
HOSPITAL BED: A parked taxi with the meter running.
%
I used to look forward to bumping into friends. 
Now I'm afraid they'll sue.
%
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the
United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few
good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the
Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his
yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a
building permit.  I've been arguing with the inspector about the need
for a sprinkler system!  My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding
the height limitations.  We had to go to the Development Appeal Board
for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for
the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead
obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.  I
told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear
nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem.  There's a ban on cutting local
trees in order to save the spotted owl.  I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel
and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd
conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building
crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of
most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons.  They insist I have to hire
only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to
finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky.  Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You
mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No!" said the Lord.  "The government beat me to it."
%
* ethnic stereotypes

Phone rings. GREEK MOTHER (Greek accent) picks up the phone and answers:
Greek Mother: Hello?
Daughter: Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
Greek Mother: You're going out?
Daughter: Yes.
Greek Mother: With whom?
Daughter: With a friend.
Greek Mother: I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.
Daughter: I didn't leave him. He left me!
Greek Mother: You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies
and nobodies.
Daughter: I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
Greek Mother: I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
Daughter: There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
Greek Mother: What are you hinting at?
Daughter: Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.
Greek Mother: You're going to stay the night with him? What will your
husband say if he finds out?
Daughter: My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the
day he left me, he probably never slept alone!
Greek Mother: So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
Daughter: He's not a loser.
Greek Mother: A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children
is a loser and a parasite.
Daughter: I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
Greek Mother: Poor children with such a mother.
Daughter: Such a what?
Greek Mother: With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
Daughter: ENOUGH !!!
Greek Mother: Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
Daughter: Now you're worried about the loser?
Greek Mother: Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
Daughter: Goodbye mother.
Greek Mother: Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter: I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
Greek Mother: If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?
%
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food,
and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.
%
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now.  And what was your toast?"  John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me
wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.  The next day, Mary
ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself.  You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.  Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come."
%
I moved from Florida to Idaho and was nervous about the winters in
this new state.  My queries got this reply from a native
Northwesterner:

"Ma'am we have four seasons here: early winter, midwinter, late
winter, and next winter."
%
Solar and wind power are not considered serious alternative energy
sources because politicians have not figured out a way to tax what is
otherwise free.
%
If the world is getting smaller how come they raised the postal rates?
%
In the beginning the world was without form, and void.
And God said, 'Let there be light'.
And God separated the light from the dark.
And did two loads of laundry.
%
My Dad is Irish and my Mom is Iranian, which meant
we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
%
I saw that my low-fuel light was on, so I stopped and got $10 worth of
gas.

And when I was done, I saw that my low-fuel light was still on.
%
Bill's friend Harry was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for
me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning his wife found a small package in the driveway.  She opened
it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Not sure when Harry gets out of the Hospital.
%
My son Keith, 8, and I were waiting in a dentist's office,
talking about treatments for his painful tooth.

Entering the room, the dentist asked,
"Well, Keith, which one's the troublemaker?"

Without hesitation Keith replied, "My brother."
%
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave
the passergers the usual information regarding seat belts
etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your
captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your
destination."

Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did hear her right; is
the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda."

When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I
understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't
know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the
cockpit."
%
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm
shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally
charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared
away two other patients."
%
Bill and Sheila were dining out when his ol' lady spotted a familiar
face at the bar. "Look, honey," she said, pointing out the guy, "see
that man on the second barstool over there?  He's been drinking like
that ever since the day I left him, seven years ago." 

Bill said. "Bullshit, Sheila - nobody can celebrate that long!"
%
The county rabbi and a pastor from the local church are standing by
the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:

The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now -- Before It's Too Late!

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you
religious nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires and  a big splash.

The pastor turns to the rabbi and asks,

"Do you  think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"
%
Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the
lobby of their nursing home one evening.  The old man looked over and
said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting.  For $5.00
I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
 
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
 
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft
sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some
candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in
your life."
 
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts
digging down in her purse.  She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and
holds it up.
 
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
 
"Get serious", she replies.  "Four times in the rocking chair."
%
A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to
inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no
fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."

The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted
reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18" ...  "for
you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your
husband."
%
KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO

Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everything.

California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut
Like Massachusetts,
Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids.

Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)

Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign.

Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

Michigan
First Line Of Defense >From The Canadians

Minnesota
10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,
and Very Little Else.

Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada
Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
Right here!

New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right
To An Attorney...

North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing

Oregon
Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet

South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee
The Edyoocashun State

Texas
Se Hablo Ingles

Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont
Ay, Yep

Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington
We have more rain than you do

West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin
Come Cut The Cheese!

Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared 
%
Q. Why is Santa always so jolly???

A. Because he has the list of all the naughty girls.
%
Britain's Prof. Colin Pillinger recently located the remains of his
lost Mars Spacecraft Beagle II.  The damaged craft was found tucked
rather nicely inside a small crater.

While a loss to science, he may have earned a place in history with
the first interplanetary hole-in-one.
%
I called UPS about an insurance claim I had filed on a package.  I
knew the automated voice response system wouldn't be able to handle
this issue so I immediately said "customer service".  It did a little
beep-boop-bop computing noise, and then insisted that I first pick
from its menu, none of which items bore any resemblance to insurance
claims.  I tried "track a package". It recited the status, followed by
"Can I help you with anything else?"  I said, more insistently,
"customer service", at which it complained that that was the most
recent shipping information.  Exasperated -- but a bit curious -- I
said "Damn you", and after the little computing noise, it swiftly
transferred me to customer service.
%
The results of in-depth studies have determined that the most often
used sexual position for married couples is the "doggie position".
The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead!
%
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.
Finally the pro askes her what she wants.  "I can't find any green
golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and
finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there
are no green golf balls.  As the blonde golfer walks out the door in
disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you
want green golf balls?" 

"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the
sand traps!"
%
How to install a wireless security system:

Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, a
really big pair.  Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of
Guns and Ammo magazine.  Put a dog dish beside it, a really big dish.
Leave a note on your front door that says something like:

"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition --- back in
1/2 an hr.  Do'nt disturb the pit bulls.  Theyve just been wormed and
they are a little edgy."  
%
A woman noticed a sign on the wall in a holiday resort.

It read:
Breakfast served from six to ten-thirty,
lunch from twelve to three,
tea from four to five,
dinner from seven to eleven.

She said to her husband:
"That doesn't leave much time for sightseeing, does it?"
%
* warning: ethnic material 

Two families moved from Afghanistan to America.  When they arrived,
the two fathers made a bet -- in a year's time whichever family had
become more Americanized would win.  A year later they met.  The first
man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast
and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"

The second man replied, "F**k you, towel head."
%
A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes
were overdue.  Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill,
saying apologetically, that he had overlooked the first notice.

"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first
notices.  We have found that the second notices are more effective."
%
A woman awakes during the night to find her husband not in their bed.
She puts on her robe, goes downstairs to look for him and finds him
sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee.  He appears to
be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.  She watches as he wipes
a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago
when we were dating?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do," she replies.  The husband pauses, the words not coming
easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car
making love, and you were a little younger than you should have been?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him.  The husband continued.  "Do you remember when he shoved the
shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I send
you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too," she replied softly.  He wiped another tear from
his cheek and said...

"I would have got out today."
%
* requires music terminology knowledge

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar.

The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."  So, the
E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.  An
F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp
enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying,
"Excuse me.  I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced
that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and
exclaims: "Get out now!  You're the seventh minor I've found in this
bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night
in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes.

The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company
downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could
be a major development."  This proves to be the case, as the E-flat
takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a
rest.  The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to
the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without
Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even
accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so
patrons,the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become
alto much treble, he needs a rest - and closes the bar.
%
* warning: sexist, and with geographic prejudices

From 13 to 18 years of age 
	She is like Africa:   
	"Virgin and unexplored"
From 18 to 35 years of age 
	She is like Asia:     
	"Hot and exotic"
From 35 to 45 years of age 
	She is like America:
	"Fully explored and free with her resources"
From 45 to 55 years of age 
	She is like Europe:   
	"Exhausted but still with points of interest"
From 55 years on           
	She is like Australia:
	"Everybody knows it's down there, but nobody gives a damn"
%
We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and
we challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in
your front yard?

(A) '65 Ford Fairlane

(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle

(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons
of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense
the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM.  The density of
the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre.  The plot is 2.3
acres in size.  The average tree diameter is 14 inches.  How many Budweisers
will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5 A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field
rock foundation.  The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet.  The
porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine.  When the porch collapses, how many
coon dogs will be killed?

6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an
average slope of 15%.  The man has five children.  Can each of his grown
children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope
on a secondary road at 45 MPH.  The brakes fail.  Given average traffic
conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a
vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take
a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a
country-western singer?

I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya? It's
okay if'n ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya...

There's a hole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya
for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE", here's some southerly
advice that may come in handy down the road a piece...

Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and
place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.
Cheaper than a cab!!!
%
At our local shopping mall, Army National Guard recruiters hung a
large banner with their telephone number: 1-800-GO-GUARD.

I understand that this number has been far more successful than the
more honest one it replaced: 1-800-GO-2-IRAQ.
%
Mum is working in the farmhouse kitchen when dad enters with his first
erection in years.  "Mum, get into bed!" he says.  She takes off her
apron, puts all the ingredients and utensils away, washes her hands,
gets into bed... but too late.  Dad has withered away.

"Ya know, we can't have this happen again," says dad, "next time I get
one of these I'll ring the fire bell so you can start getting ready
when you hear it.  When I get to the house, we'll be right."

A year goes by.  Mum's in the kitchen.  She hears the fire bell.  She
goes through all the preparations.  Dad comes pounding into the house,
through the kitchen, into the bedroom where mum lies naked waiting for
him.  He looks her over and says, "Get up, ya oversexed fool...  the
barn's on fire!"
%
Mick staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out
with his mates.  When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in
bed with the dog beside him in his wife's place.

"Glory be!" said Mick.  "I must have been really drunk when I got
home.  I thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out!"
%
"Mom, hey, Mom! Lennie passed his bar exam so we're going to get
married next week!"

The bride-to-be was ecstatic. "Gee, honey, don't you think you two
should wait till he's been practicing for a year or so?" cautioned her
mother.

"Oh Mom, we've been practicing."
%
Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
One says to the other, "Excuse me, I was too busy looking for my wife."

"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm breasts, and a tight butt.
What's your wife look like?"

"Never mind, let's look for yours."
%
A monastery was perched high up on a cliff and the only access to reach
it was by way of riding in a basket which several monks hauled up to
the top.

Obviously the ride over the rocky jagged terrain was steep, and in a
wicker basket, terrifying to all but the naively fearless.

One visitor, however, got exceedingly nervous. Roughly halfway up he
saw that the rope by which he was being hauled was rather frayed and
splitting. Shaking in his boots but unable to move, he frantically
asked the monk who was seated next to him how often they changed the
rope.

Thinking for a moment, the monk answered, "Whenever it breaks."
%
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:

"Free to good home. You want it, you take it".

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking
twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of
this deal.

It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge
for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.
%
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area.  So I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands.  "Now," she asked me, "has your
plane arrived...... yet?"
%
* sign in a grocery (after the Danish cartoon scandal):

To our customers:

We would like to inform our customers that all our pastries, including
our danishes, are made in Canada.
%
My sons begged my wife for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows
that they alone would care for it, they got one. 

They named it Dan.  Two months later, when my wife found herself
responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a
prospective new home for it. 

My sons took the news of Dan's imminent departure quite well, though
one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time - we'll miss
him." 

"Yes," my wife replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and
since I'm that one person, I say he goes." 

My other son offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and
wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."

But my wife was firm. "It's time to take Dan to his new home now," she
insisted. "Go and get his cage." 

With one outraged voice my sons shouted, "Dan?  We thought you said
Dad!"
%
Advice: On a PC, right click and select "save as..." to save the image. 
On a Mac, option-click and choose "save image..." 
If you are running Linux you don't need any advice.
%
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
%
The New York Times reported in November on the project by the
Picatinny Arsenal in Rockaway Township, N. Y., to create more
environmentally friendly bullets while still maintaining the bullets'
killing power. 

(Three years ago, the federal government closed a nearby firing range
because spent, leaded bullets were contaminating the soil so as to
endanger people and animals.)
%
Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country
club.  "We're supposed to wear something that matches our husband's
hair, so I'm wearing black," said Mrs. Smith.

"Oh my," said Mrs. Jones, "I'd better not go."
%
Tough week for the administration.  Scandals.  Leaks.  Sagging poll
numbers.

They deserve a break.  Bush and Cheney should take some time off.
They should go hunting.

===

This evening, Yahoo! news featured an article entitled
"Cheney Violates Cardinal Rule of Hunting." 

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060214/ap_on_go_pr_wh/cheney_hunting_accident_35;_ylt=AhWwLBNevjJapHCBvy5rNA5qP0AC;_ylu=X3oDMTBiMW04NW9mBHNlYwMlJVRPUCUl

For those of you who do not hunt, that rule is "Don't shoot guys in
the face."

I hope this clears up any confusion.
%
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.  I
decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.  I bent, twisted,
gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.  But, by the
time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
%
After having shot a lawyer, the Vice Presidents approval ratings have
soared from 5% to 93%.
%
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. 
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
%
I'm getting into swing dancing.  Not on purpose. 
Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
%
"Typos are very important to all written form.  It gives the reader
something to look for so they aren't distracted by the total lack of
content in your writing."
  - Randy K. Milholland
%
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
%
On one occasion, Paul Erdos [the famous mathematician] met another
mathematician and asked him where he was from.

"Vancouver," the mathematician replied. 

"Oh, then you must know my good friend Elliot Mendelson," Erdos said.

The reply was "I AM your good friend Elliot Mendelson."
%
Help Wanted: Telepath.  You know where to apply.
%
Some people who yearn for endless life don't know what to do on a
rainy afternoon.
	 -Harvey H. Potthoff
%
My wife left me.

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had
to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer.  I was not a
big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.  Anyway, I gave it up, but
the other day, when she came home from shopping and I looked at the
receipt and saw $45 in makeup, I said, "Wait a minute.  I've given up
beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back....
%
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in
the door.  "Stay where you are," she said.  "He's so drunk he won't
even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few
minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at
the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed.  There
should only be four.  What's going on?"

"Nonsense," said the wife.  "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out
of bed and try again.  You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted.  "One, two, three, four.
You're right, you know."
%
                      RULES OF THE LAB

 1. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
 2. Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way
    each time.
 3. First draw your curves, then plot your data.
 4. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
 5. A record of data is essential, it shows you were working.
 6. To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
 7. To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
 8. If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the 
    answer and derive the question.
 9. If that doesn't work, start at both ends and try to find a common 
    middle.
10. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
11. Do not believe in miracles --- rely on them.
12. Team work is essential.  It allows you to blame someone else.
13. All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
14. Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before 
    any use can be made of it.  (Law of Spontaneous Fission)
%
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
%
The actual work done for a project can be broken down as follows:

85% of the time is spent finding equipment, repairing equipment, or
finding somebody to run or repair the equipment for you:

10% of the time is spent designing experiments and collecting data:

5% of the time is spent making the collected data presentable.

20% (or less) is the amount of time it would have taken you to do the
project if you knew then what you know now.
%
How to give a short talk:

This story is about the number 2^67-1, the 67th Mersenne number.

  [The French monk Marin Mersenne (1588-1648) stated in the preface to
   his Cogitata Physica-Mathematica (1644) that the numbers 2^n-1 were
   prime for very few values of n.]

The 67-th Merseene number was proven to be non-prime in 1903 by
F.N.Cole (1861-1927).  In the October meeting of the American
Mathematical Society, Cole announced a talk "On the Factorisation of
Large Numbers".

He walked up to the blackboard without saying a word, calculated by
hand the value of 2^67, carefully subtracted 1.  Then he multiplied
two numbers (which were 193707721 and 761838257287).  Both results
written on the blackboard were equal.  Cole silently walked back to
his seat, and this is said to be the first and only talk held during
an AMS meeting where the audience applauded.  There were no questions.
It took Cole about 3 years, each sunday, to find this factorisation,
according to what he said.

For the curious: 2^67 -1 = 193707721 x 761838257287 = 147573952589676412927
%
Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, 
   and fold up a road map the wrong way. 
%
The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang
just off stage.

Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and
called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"
%
"Mos, how many miles do you walk to school?" asked Larry.

"About a mile," answered Mos.

"When I was your age," said Larry, "I walked eight miles to school
every day!"

Then Larry continued -- "Mos, what are your grades like?"

"Mostly B's," replied Mos.

"When I was your age," said Larry, "I got all A's! And Mos, have you
ever gotten into a fight?"

"Only one time, and the boy beat me up but good!" explained Mos.

"When I was your age," said Larry, "I was in a fight every day!"

Finally, Larry asked, "Boy, how old are you?"

"I'm 19 years old," said young Mos.

"When I was your age," said Larry, "I was 24!"
%
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.  Looking up to
heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.  If you find me a parking place
I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me
Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.  Paddy looked up again and
said, "Never mind, I found one."
%
Two guys, Peter and Paul, are talking in a bar after having had a few.

Paul asks, "Say Pete, if I slept with your wife, would we still be friends?" 

"No" 

"Well, would we still be pals?" 

"No" 

"Oh, we'd be enemies I suppose?" 

"No" 

"Well what would we be then?" 

"We'd be even!"
%
"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common."  said the 
new tenant's neighbour. "Why on earth did you get married?" "I suppose it 
was the old business of 'opposites attract'", was the reply. "He wasn't 
pregnant and I was."
%
A young composotion student in one of the more prestigious
conservatories in Russia is running out of time for an important
project.  In the coming weekend, the school orchestra will be gathered
on stage to read through all the composition students' symphonies for
the first time in front of the professor.

In a fit of last-minute genious, he goes to the library and checks out
one of his professor's symphonies, and writes out the whole work
backwards.  That weekend, after his hand-copied parts have been
distributed, he waits nervously as the orchestra looks over the music.

The conductor gets into place and readies the orchestra, and on his
downbeat, out comes the opening fanfare to Tchaikovsky's 4th.
%
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting
senile.  Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor.  "Senility is when you
forget to zip down."
%
True story. 

I'm riding up the elevator at the Boston Annual Association for Social
Economists Meeting, a few years back.  In the car with me is a woman
who works in the hotel.  I ask her if economists are really as dull a
bunch as they're made out to be.  She responds that she used to be
stationed at the NYC branch of the chain when the meetings were held
there and that even the hookers had taken the week off.

(from the "Economist jokes" web page)
%
Economists have forecasted 9 out of the last 5 recessions. 
%
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy
anything is last year.
		- Marty Allen 
%
An economist returns to visit his old school.  He's interested in the
current exam questions and asks his old professor to show some.  To
his surprise they are exactly the same ones to which he had answered
10 years ago! When he asks about this the professor answers: "the
questions are always the same - only the answers change!"
%
A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England.
They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the
barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that
happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.  The man looks at his watch and says,

"Shit!  Just missed it by a half hour!"
%
A man goes into a doctor's surgery and says, "Help! I think I'm a
moth!"

The doctor says, "Well, I can't help you, I'm only a General
Practitioner.  You need the psychiatrist next door.  Why on earth did
you come to me?"

"Your light was on."
%
On Wednesday of next week,
at two minutes and three seconds
after 1:00 in the morning, the time
and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.
%
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL!  Put in some more butter!  Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once.  TOO MANY!  Turn them!  TURN THEM
NOW!  We need more butter.  Oh my GOD!  WHERE are we going to get MORE
BUTTER?  They're going to STICK!  Careful ... CAREFUL!  I said be
CAREFUL!  You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!  Never! Turn
them!  Hurry up!  Are you CRAZY?  Have you LOST your mind?  Don't
forget to salt them.  You know you always forget to salt them.  Use
the salt.  USE THE SALT!  THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him.  "What in the world is wrong with you?  You
think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving."
%
When a woman wears leather clothing, a man's heart beats quicker, his
throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, he begins to think
irrationally and has to have her.

Ever wonder why ?

Because she smells like a new Jeep ! 
%
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her. 

A man, of the woman who did not.
%
"Never go to bed mad.  Stay up and fight."
	-- Phyllis Diller
%
"Basically my wife was immature.  I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
come in and sink my boats."
		-- Woody Allen
%
"My wife thinks I'm too nosy.  At least that's what she writes in her
diary."
		-- Drake Sather
%
"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.  "Don't you know what
pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young student confidently. "Means carrying a child."
%
This is a story of two elderly people living in a mobile home park in 
Florida.   He was a widower and she was a widow.  They had known one another 
for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the Club House, and the widower 
and widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening and spirits were high.  The widower sent a few 
admiring glances across the table, and the widow smiled coyly back at him. 
Finally, he plucked up his courage to ask her, " Will you marry me? "

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes. Yes, I 
will. "

The meal ended with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their 
respective homes.  The next morning, the widower was troubled.  Did she say 
'Yes' or did she say 'No'? He couldn't remember.

Try as he would, he just could not recall.  He went over the conversation of 
the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the 
question, but for the life of him he could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he 
reviewed the lovely evening past.  As he gained a little more courage he 
then inquired of her,  " When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 
'Yes' or did you say 'No'?

"Why, you silly man, I said 'Yes.  Yes I will.'  And I meant it with all my 
heart. "

The widower was delighted.  He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she 
continued, "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who 
asked me.
%
While I was watching the "Final Four" basketball playoffs, my 
girlfriend and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the 
need for living wills.  During the course of the conversation I told 
her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on 
some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
%
The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor.  He wants some Viagra,
but he doesn't want his wife to know about it.  The doc prescribes it
for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription.  Home
is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little
blue pills.  When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife
with words.  That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes.  They tear off
each others clothes and are quickly in bed.  He manages to "rise to
the occasion" three times.  Three times!  He expects his wife to be
delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.  "What's wrong, dear?"
he asks.

"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's
doing you in," she sighs.

"What do you mean?" 

"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service.  Nothing for ages,
and then -- three come all at once!"
%
When I finished school I took one of those career aptitude tests and
based on my verbal ability score they suggested I become a mime.
%
We took the family to one of those restaurants where the walls are
plastered with movie memorabilia.  I went off to see the hostess about
reserving a table.

When I returned, I found my 11-year-old daughter staring at a poster
of Superman, standing in a phone booth. She looked puzzled.

"She doesn't know who Superman is?" I whispered to my husband.

"Worse," he replied. "She doesn't know what a phone booth is."
%
The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much
grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they
gave back as much as they got.

He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks
and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the
sailors coming down the line.

A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap
great benefits, he told them.

After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood
back and watched the food being served.

A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything
he saw so he just carried his tray down the line 'til he got to the
desert section.

He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.  The
Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?" he
asked.

The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing.3B"

The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you
like two pieces of cake?"

The Chaplain smiled and nudged the Food Service Officer in the ribs,
"I told you my talk did them some good."

The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."

The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half
%
You've just wasted your time reading this sentence.
If you read this sentence, you've just wasted twice as much time!
%
Youth is when you blame all your problems on your parents.
Maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
%
"How powerful a man do you have to be to shoot a man in the face and
have that person say, 'My bad'?"
	--Jon Stewart, on Harry Whittington's apology to Cheney
%
I just sent someone an e-mail that happened to mentioned our current
Secretary of Defense.  My spell checker didn't like the name Rumsfeld.  
It gave me the following suggestions:

  1) Misfield
  2) Misfiled
  3) Ruffled
  4) Rumbled
  5) Rumpled
  i) Ignore
  r) Replace
%
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
%
I do the gas and electric billing for a small city in Washington
State.  Customers complained about our postcard-sized bills, which
they said looked too much like junk mail so we decided to start
sending full-sized bills in envelopes.

The month before the switch, I had a note printed on the cards,
announcing the change.

Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist,
"Is this some kind of joke?"

When the customer threw his bill on the desk, I saw his point.

The note was printed: "Coming soon!  New Larger Bills!"
%
There's a proposal in Congress to build a wall along the Mexican
border to keep illegals out.

Who are they gonna get to build the wall?
%
73% of Americans say that immigration is a serious problem.

The other 27% said, 'No habla ingles.
%
I saw a sign in a waiting room that said "unattended children will be
given espresso and a puppy to take home."
%
 The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man.
"What is the meaning of this?" he demanded.  "Who is this fellow?"
"That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over.
"What IS your name?"
%
* I never sent a URL before, but you have to see the picture as well.
  This is a term paper submitted by Lucas Kovar, apparenty at the time
  a undergraduate majoring in physics at Stanford.  I am reproducing the 
  full text here.  The original is at: 
  http://www.cs.wisc.edu/~kovar/hall.html
  This is (c) Lucas Kovar.

Electron Band Structure In Germanium, My Ass

          Abstract: The exponential dependence of resistivity on
temperature in germanium is found to be a great big lie. My careful
theoretical modeling and painstaking experimentation reveal 1) that my
equipment is crap, as are all the available texts on the subject and
2) that this whole exercise was a complete waste of my time.

Introduction

          Electrons in germanium are confined to well-defined energy
bands that are separated by "forbidden regions" of zero charge-carrier
density. You can read about it yourself if you want to, although I
don't recommend it. You'll have to wade through an obtuse, convoluted
discussion about considering an arbitrary number of non-coupled
harmonic-oscillator potentials and taking limits and so on. The upshot
is that if you heat up a sample of germanium, electrons will jump from
a non-conductive energy band to a conductive one, thereby creating a
measurable change in resistivity. This relation between temperature
and resistivity can be shown to be exponential in certain temperature
regimes by waving your hands and chanting "to first order".

Experiment procedure

      I sifted through the box of germanium crystals and chose the one
that appeared to be the least cracked. Then I soldered wires onto the
crystal in the spots shown in figure 2b of Lab Handout 32. Do you have
any idea how hard it is to solder wires to germanium? I'll tell you:
real goddamn hard. The solder simply won't stick, and you can forget
about getting any of the grad students in the solid state labs to help
you out.
      Once the wires were in place, I attached them as appropriate to
the second-rate equipment I scavenged from the back of the lab, none
of which worked properly. I soon wised up and swiped replacements from
the well-stocked research labs. This is how they treat undergrads
around here: they give you broken tools and then don't understand why
you don't get any results.
  	
Fig. 1: Check this shit out.
      In order to control the temperature of the germanium, I attached
the crystal to a copper rod, the upper end of which was attached to a
heating coil and the lower end of which was dipped in a thermos of
liquid nitrogen. Midway through the project, the thermos began
leaking. That's right: I pay a cool ten grand a quarter to come here,
and yet they can't spare the five bucks to ensure that I have a
working thermos.

Results

      Check this shit out (Fig. 1). That's bonafide, 100%-real data,
my friends. I took it myself over the course of two weeks. And this
was not a leisurely two weeks, either; I busted my ass day and night
in order to provide you with nothing but the best data possible. Now,
let's look a bit more closely at this data, remembering that it is
absolutely first-rate. Do you see the exponential dependence? I sure
don't. I see a bunch of crap.
      Christ, this was such a waste of my time.
      Banking on my hopes that whoever grades this will just look at
the pictures, I drew an exponential through my noise. I believe the
apparent legitimacy is enhanced by the fact that I used a complicated
computer program to make the fit. I understand this is the same
process by which the top quark was discovered.

Conclusion

      Going into physics was the biggest mistake of my life. I
should've declared CS. I still wouldn't have any women, but at least
I'd be rolling in cash.
%
I'm so old I can remember when things were still made in America.