Joke archive
%
It is said that Lisp programmers know that memory management is so
important that it cannot be left to the users and C programmers know
that memory management is so important that it cannot be left to the
system.
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	Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM
Canada Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier
in Japan.  The company noted in its order that acceptable quality
allowed for 1.5 per cent defects (a fairly high standard in North
America at the time).
	The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged
separately in plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know
why you want 1.5 per cent defective parts, but for your convenience,
we've packed them separately."
	-- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
%
	A woman was married to a golfer.  One day she asked, "If I were
to die, would you remarry?"
	After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
	The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
	"Yes," he replied.  "That's a good car and it runs well."
	"Well, would you live in this house?"
	"Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. 
I've always loved it here."
	"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
	"No."
	"Why not?"
	"She's left handed."
%
	A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his
fellow man".
	As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other,
"Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."  
%
	In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
Junior, what are you up to?"
	"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said
the rabbit.
	"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!  No one
will publish such rubbish!"
	"Well, follow me and I'll show you."
	They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.  Comes along a
wolf.  "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
	"I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits
devour wolves."
	"Are you crazy?  Where's your academic honesty?"
	"Come with me and I'll show you."
	As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his
face and a diploma in his paw.  Finally, the camera pans into the
rabbit's cave and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a
mean-looking, huge lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next
to some furry, bloody remnants of the wolf and the fox.

	The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
%
	A young married couple had their first child.  Their original
pride and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of
years the child had never uttered any form of speech.  They hired the
best speech therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail.  The
child simply refused to speak.  One morning when the child was five,
while the husband was reading the paper, and the wife was feeding the
dog, the little kid looks up from his bowl and said, "My cereal's
cold."
	The couple is stunned.  The man, in tears, confronts his son.
"Son, after all these years, why have you waited so long to say
something?".
	Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
%
	America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle
mission with one astronaut from each country.  Since it's going to be
two long, lonely years up there, each may bring any form of
entertainment weighing 150 pounds or less.  The American approaches
the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb. wife.  They approve.
	The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn
Latin.  I want 100 lbs. of textbooks."  The NASA board approves.  The
Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "Two years...  all
right, I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made."  Again,
NASA okays it.
	Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered
outside to welcome back the astronauts.  Well, it's obvious what the
American's been up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant.
The crowd cheers.  The Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10
minute speech in absolutely perfect Latin.  The crowd doesn't
understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer again.
The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his
knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and screams: "Anybody got
a match?"
%
  Is Windows a Virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1)  They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2) Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3) Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay,
Windows does that too.

4) Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with
valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

5) Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too
slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with
Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running
on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and
they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.  So Windows is
not a virus.

It's a bug.
%
	During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a
red-face country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
"Hey, you almost hit my wife."
	"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast.  "Terribly sorry.  Have a shot
at mine, over there."
%
	An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by
cannibals.  The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even
though you are about to killed, your deaths will not be in vain.
Every part of your body will be used.  Your flesh will be eaten, for
my people are hungry.  Your hair will be woven into clothing, for my
people are naked.  Your bones will be ground up and made into
medicine, for my people are sick.  Your skin will be stretched over
canoe frames, for my people need transportation.  We are a fair
people, and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial
knife."
	The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the
Queen", while plunging the knife into his heart.
 	The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and
yells, "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
	The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
%
	"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
	"Diet."
%
	A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing
his kilt.  As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in
a red convertible eyeing him and giggling.  One of them called out,
"Hey, Scotty!  What's worn under the kilt?"
	He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass,
are you SURE you want to know?"  Somewhat nervously, the blonde
replied yes, she did really want to know.
	The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's
worn under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
%
	"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his
best to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse
suite in the posh hotel.
	"No.  No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
	"Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
	"Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman.  "Would you bring me
a postcard?"
%
	There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money
by going from house to house offering to do odd jobs.  He explained
this to a man who answered one door.
	"How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
	"Forty dollars."
	"Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
	Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door
again.  "All done!", he says, and collects his money.  "By the way,"
the student says, "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
%
	Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design.
Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas guage,
nor any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.
Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the
center of the dashboard.  "The experienced driver", he says, "will
usually know what's wrong."
%
	A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning
the power off and on.  Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke
sternly, "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no
understanding of what is going wrong."  Knight turned the machine off
and on.  The machine worked.
%
"Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
"We wound barbed wire around them."
"That stop him?"
"No, but it sure slowed him up."
%
	Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all
of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.  She wore a
bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one
could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall
tan.  She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs;
she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her
rear.
	"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager
of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.  "The Hilton
doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much
appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
	"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.  "No
one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
	"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man.  "You're lying
on the dining room skylight."
%
	"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now
beginning to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you
is, shall this beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her
loveliest years in a dark prison cell?  Or shall she be set free to
return to her cozy little apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to
spend her lonely, loveless hours in her boudoir, lying beside her
little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
%
	Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great
river.  One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to
him to be the biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught.  He fought
with it for hours, until, finally, he managed to bring it to the
surface.  Looking of the edge of the boat, he saw the head of this
huge fish breaking the surface.  Smiling with pride, he reached over
the edge to pull the fish up.  Unfortunately, he accidently caught his
watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a snap, and his
watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud "sploosh!"
Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch.  Sadly,
the fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back
home.
	Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working
in a boring assembly-line job in a large city.  He worked in a
fish-processing plant.  It was his job, as each fish passed under his
hands, to chop off their heads, readying them for the next phase in
processing.  This monotonous task went on for years, the dull *thud*
of the cleaver chopping of each head being his entire world, day after
day, week after weary week.  Well, one day, as he was chopping fish,
he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on the line
looked very familiar.  Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish he
had lost on that day so many years ago?  He trembled with anticipation
as his cleaver came down.  IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD!  IT WAS HIS
THUMB!
%
	A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his
tests.  "I have some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse
news."  The bad news is that you only have six weeks to live."
	"Oh, no," says the patient.  "What could possibly be worse
than that?"
	"Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
last Monday."
%
	Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
afternoon.  Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over
near the edge of the fairway.  Just as he was about to chip out, he
noticed a long funeral procession going past on a nearby street.
Reverently, George removed his hat and stood at attention until the
procession had passed.  Then he continued his game, finishing with a
birdie on the eighteenth.  Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer
greet George.  "Say, that was a nice gesture you made today, George.
	"What do you mean?" asked George.
	"Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
	"Oh, yes," said George.  "Well, we were married 17 years, you
know."
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	"How'd you get that flat?"
	"Ran over a bottle."
	"Didn't you see it?"
	"Damn kid had it under his coat."
%
A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach
and observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned
woman.  As they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the
pump.
	The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men,
you may yet save her!!"
	The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According
to my understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped
more water from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet
in diameter and 6 feet high."
	The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
%
A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd
gathered by the side of the street.  Curiousity got the better of him
and he leaned out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on.
The fellow explained that a protestor against the U.S. position in
South America had doused himself with gasoline and set himself on
fire.  "That's terrible," gasped the man.  "But why is everyone still
standing around?"
	"Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
onlooker explained.  "Would you be willing to help?"
	"Well, sure," replied the New Yorker.  "I suppose I could spare a
gallon or two."
%
... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
objects and member functions.  Specifically, members may be placed in the
public, private, or protected parts of a class.  Members declared in the
public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses.  C++ also supports
the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
other's private parts.
		-- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
%
A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
a very charming woman staring admiringly at him.  He walked over and spoke 
with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
in as Mr. and Mrs.
	After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front 
desk and told the clerk he was checking out.  In a few minutes, he was handed
a bill for $2500.
	"There must be some mistake," the salesman said.  "I've been here for
only three days."
	"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.  "But your wife has been here a month
and a half."
%
A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
sitting in the yard watching the pig.  
	"That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman. 
	"Sure is, son," the farmer replied.  "Why, two years ago, my daughter
was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
	"Amazing!"  the salesman exlaimed.
	"And that's not the only thing.  Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
the north forty when a tree fell on me.  Pinned me to the ground, it did.  
That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
Saved my life."
	"Fantastic!  the salesman said.  But tell me, how come the pig has
three wooden legs?"
	The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement.  "Mister, when you 
got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
%
A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth.  Afterwards, the doctor
came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
	"Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
	"Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how.  Your son
(we assume) was born with no body.  He only has a head."
	Well, the doctor was correct.  The Head was alive and well, though no
one knew how.  The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
the circumstances.
	One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
phone call from another doctor.  The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
an operation.  Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
his head!"
	The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
up.  She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
surprise for you!"
	"Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
%
A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
	The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
the hard way.  The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
field stones... did it the hard way.  That hardwood floor in the living
room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way.  The ceiling
beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
	Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in.  The farmer
looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
obviously and smiles.  "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
%
A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard.  One of the men
gets out and goes into the office.
	"I need some four-by-two's," he says.
	"You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
	The man scratches his head.  "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
check." 
	Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
acceptable.
	"OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
	The guy gets the blank look again.  "Uh... I guess I better go
check," he says.
	He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
conversation.  The guy comes back into the office.  "A long time," he says,
"we're building a house".
%
	For example, in Year 1 that useless letter 'c' would be dropped to be
replased either by 'k' or 's', and likewise 'x' would no longer be part of the
alphabet. The only kase in which 'c' would be retained would be the 'ch'
formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform 'w' spelling,
so that 'which' and 'one' would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might
well abolish 'y' replasing it with 'i' and Iear 4 might fiks the 'g-j'
anomali wonse and for all.
	Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with
Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so
modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.  Bai
Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez
'c', 'y' and 'x' - bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu
riplais 'ch', 'sh', and 'th' rispektivli.
	Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a
lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
		-- Mark Twain
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A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
		-- Klipstein
%
All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
		-- Saint Patrick
%
	"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
	"How do you know?" the friend asked.
	"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
	"So?"
	"So, she's a liar.  I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
%
	Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home 
from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
	"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly.  "You
promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
nine.  It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
	"Honey, wait," said Harry.  "Let me explain.  I know what I promised
you, but I have a very good reason for being late.  Fred and I tee'd off
right on time and everything was find for the first three holes.  Then, on
the fourth tee Fred had a stroke.  I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
find a doctor.  And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead.  So, for
the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
%
A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska.  He drove for three days
and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
line.  He halted his car and walked up to the border guard.  "Hi, there!  How
do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
	The guard looked him up and down and grinned.  "Waal," he answered,
there are three things you gotta do to get in.  First, drink down a quart of
110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'.  Second, kill a grizzly bear, a
third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
	"Sounds easy enough," said the Texan.  "Where can I get a quart of
this here corn liquor?"
	"Got one right here," replied the guard.
	The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
	"Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
	The Texan lurched merrily off.  About an hour later he returned
with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody.  He was
smiling happily.  "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
want killed?"
%
	The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
	"What happened?"
	"Dunno," replied the man.  "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
-- well, I'll be damned.  There goes another one!"
%
              The Drinkers Fault Finding Guide
              ================================

Symptom  : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault    : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part
           of face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with
           as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom  : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale
           and clear.
Fault    : Glass is empty.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom  : Room is spinning.
Fault    : Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution : Vomit on person doing the spinning.

Symptom  : Feet cold and wet.
Fault    : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom  : Feet warm and wet.
Fault    : Loss of self-control.
Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog.  After a while complain to its
           owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom  : Lap cool and wet.
Fault    : Drooling on yourself.
Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

Symptom  : Bar blurred.
Fault    : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom  : Bar moving.
Fault    : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar.  If not complain
           loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Sympton  : Bar looks like a circus.
Fault    : You're at a circus.
Solution : Go to a bar.

Symptom  : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a
           fluorescent strip across it.
Fault    : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking
           arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you
           to the bar.

Symptom  : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and
           dog-ends.
Fault    : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom  : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot
           see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault    : You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat
           yourself to a lie in.

Symptom  : Everything has gone dim.
Fault    : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC!!
%
A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
%
FOR SALE:
	Parachute.  Used once.
	Never opened.  Slightly Stained.
%
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.  Just
stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you
which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.  No
one will answer.
%
	While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
the woods and disappear across the clearing.  Just as she got out of sight, 
three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
	"Yes," replied the hunter.  "What's the trouble?"
	"She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
then.  We're trying to catch her."
	"I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
carrying a bucket of sand?"
	"That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
%
Cica un tren se opreste in gara la Caracal.  Un calator scoate capul
pe geam sa admire atmosfera.  Agale trece un feroviar cu ciocanul.
	"Nu va suparati, Caracal i aicea?" intreaba pasagerul.
	"Da bine ca esti tu destept!"
%
After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, 
claming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
in a wheelchair.  Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable  of walking, the
judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
	When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
Miller was confronted by several executives.  "You're not getting away with
this, Miller," one said.  "We're going to watch you day and night.  If you
take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
perjury.  Here's the money.  What do you intend to do with it?"
	"My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied.  "We'll go to
Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
%
Father:	Son, it's time we talked about sex.
Son:	Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
%
A guy goes over to his girlfriends house to watch a video movie.  The
cute girlfriend is called to a rear bedroom by her aging grandmother.
While gone the guy munches on some peanuts from a bowl in front of the
TV.  The peanuts are so good he downs the whole bowl full.  A few
minutes later the girl comes back into the living area with her
grandmother by her side and she introduces her to the guy.  He says,
"Sorry, but I ate all those peanuts, they were delicious."  The
grandmother says, "That's OK honey, I don't have any teeth and I can't
eat peanuts, but I did enjoy sucking the chocolate off them!"
%
First cow:you heard about this mad cow thing
second cow:I have
first cow: aren't you worred?
second cow:No I am a duck
%
There was a Texan, a Californian, and a Washingtonian camping in the woods.
By the campfire after dark the Texan opened up a bottle of Yukon Jack, took
a swig, thru the bottle in the air, pulled out a double barrel shotgun, and
blew the bottle to pieces.  The Washingtonian looked at him and said, "Why
didn't you finish it?"  The Texan replied, "It's okay, we've got plenty of
Yukon Jack where I come from. 

      The Californian then pulled out a bottle of Cabernet, took a sip, then
threw the rest in the air, pulled out a 38 special, and shot the bottle.  He
then looked around and said, "That's okay, we've got plenty more in
California."  

     The Washingtonian then pulled out a bottle of Micro-Brewery Ale, drank
it all down, tossed the empty bottle in air, pulled out a pistol, shot the
Californian, and caught the bottle.  He then looked over at the Texan and
said, "It's okay, we've got plenty of Californians in Washington, but I have
to recycle the bottle."
%
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.  
   The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He 
says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."  
   The grandfather replies,  "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's 
too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." 
   The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of 
hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a 
board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.  
   The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the 
hair spray and runs into the house.
   Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the  
little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you 
already  gave me five dollars." 
   The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
%
Said a doctor to an amputee: "I've got good news and bad news. The bad
news is that we amputated the wrong leg. The good news is that your other
leg does not have to be amputated at all."
%
A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along
and hit the door, ripping it off completely.  When the police arrived
at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to
his precious BMW.  
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he whined.  
"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the
officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't
even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaad...", replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left
shoulder where his arm once was, "where's my Rolex!!!!!"  
%
  A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an 
experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to 
disperse some people who were loitering.
  The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on 
a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and siad, "Let's get off the 
corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" 
Intimidated, the group of people begaan to leave, casting puzzled glances 
in his direction. 
  Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his 
partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
  Pretty good, " replied the veteran, "especially since this is a bus stop."
%
Two old friends met on the street and one invited the other to dinner.
"We live in apartment 12B," he said. "Just lean on the bell with your
elbow."

"Why should I use my elbow ?" the other asked.

"You weren't thinking of coming empty-handed, were you?"
%
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

	(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
	(2) Advising the President.
	(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
		-- David Letterman
%
Advertising guy burns out after 30 years. Finally decides he's had it
with the pressure, the clients being right when they're dead wrong,
the deadlines, the upset stomach. He moves to a small town in Vermont.

After six months, even the town makes him claustrophobic, so he moves
20 miles out into the country, buys forty acres and builds a shack. No
phone, no electricity and his water supply is a creek that runs a
quarter of a mile from his home. Once a month he goes to
town for groceries.

Heaven. Shangri-La. Walden. Nirvana. The advertising guy is finally at
peace.

One day there is a knock at his door. The first. He answers it and
finds himself facing a tall, robust native Vermonter.

NATIVE: Howdy, neighbah.

ADMAN: What do you mean neighbor. I don't have any neighbors here.

NATIVE: I'm your neighba from four mile down the crick. Walked ovah
heah to invite ya' to a pahty I'm havin' this Sattidy night.

ADMAN: A party. I haven't even talked to anyone in months. A party
sound's wonderful. I'll be there.

NATIVE: 'Ought to warn ya' there might be some heavy drinkin' takin'
place.

ADMAN: No need to warn me. That sounds just fine.

NATIVE: Ay-uh. And some fightin' might break out upon occasion.

ADMAN: That's fine. Wonderful. I love a good fight.

NATIVE: And there's likely to be some unusual sexual activities.

ADMAN: What a fabulous party. I'm really looking forward. What should
I wear?

NATIVE: Oh, ya' kin weah pretty much whatevah ya' please. There'll
just be the two of us.
%
Jesus and Moses decide to play Augusta National for their weekly golf
match. All goes well until they reach the 16th hole. As Jesus extracts
his 6 iron for this shot over water Moses tells him he should use a
longer club as "you won't reach the green with only a 6 iron."
Jesus Replies, "I saw Jack Nicklaus use a 6 iron here just last week
and he carried the green easily." He then proceeded to hit the ball
into the water a few yards short of the green. "Will you go get it for
me", he asked Moses and Moses parted the waters of the pond and walked
out and picked up the ball belonging to Jesus from among all the other
balls on the floor of the pond. After returning it to Jesus he noticed
that Jesus was about to try again with his 6 iron. 
"You'll never get it there with that club. If you hit it into the
water again you'll have to retrieve it yourself!" Of course he did
just that and as Jesus was walking out on the surface of the pond to
get his ball the foursome playing behind them caught up to them. 
One of the men walked up to Moses and asked, "who does that guy think
he is, Jesus Christ?" Moses replied, "He is Jesus Christ. He THINKS
he's Jack Nicklaus!"
%
Bill Clinton wakes up and looks out of his window onto the White House lawn.
He sees that someone has pissed in the snow the words "Bill Clinton is a
small dick loser!"
He gets really angry and calls in the FBI to investigate who did this.
A while later, they come back, and say "We've got some bad news and some
worse news. The bad news is that we've forensically identified the urine
as Al Gores."
"Oh no!" cries Bill. "My most trusted aide! What's the worse news?"
"It's in Hilary's handwriting."
%
I just wish that Dan Quayle would stop that endless smiling all the time. How
are we going to send him overseas to all those funerals?
%
As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamikaze dive into a different
glass.
	The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
with a spoon,  flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
	The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips.  With
a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
down in one gulp.
	Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off.  Then, in a
firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
%
(WARNING: THIS JOKE CONTAINS SOME POSSIBLY OFFENSIVE MATERIAL; 
READ AT YOUR OWN RISK).

This guy was out bear hunting, and came upon a stand of trees adjacent to
a clearing, and thought it looked like a good place to lie in wait to see
if a bear came by. Sure enough, after a short while, he caught sight of a
bear lumbering through the clearing. He leveled his rifle, took careful
aim, and squeezed one off. BANG! 

He looked toward the clearing and saw the fur flying, so he was pretty
sure he nailed the bear. He walked over, and started looking around, but
he couldn't see the bear anywhere. He was standing there sort of confused
when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around and sure as shit, the
bear was standing right behind him.

The bear said, "Well, the way I see it, I can either maul you to death
right here on the spot, or you can give me a blow job." The hunter didn't
want to die, so he reluctantly granted the bear's request.

The hunter went home, and the more he thought about what had happened the
more his humiliation turned to rage. He swore that the following day, he'd
go back out and kill that son of a bitch bear.

So he set out in the morning with his AK-47, and returned to the same
spot. He waited a while, and sure enough the bear came lumbering through
the clearing. He aimed the assault weapon and fired. BOOM!!

He saw the fur flying, and walked over to inspect his kill. But he
couldn't find the damned bear! Then he felt a tap on his shoulder. He
looked around, and the bear said, "Well, either I maul you, or I give it
to you right up the ass."

Again the hunter let the bear have his way, then returned home.

That night, the hunter started getting really pissed off. The next morning
he got out his bazooka and went out again in search of the bear. He waited
by the clearing for a while, and soon the bear appeared again. He aimed
the bazooka, and fired. KA-BOOOOOM!!!

He saw the fur fly, and walked over to the clearing. He looked around, but
no bear! Then he felt a familiar tap on his shoulder, and turned around.

The bear said, "Tell me the truth. You ain't in this for the hunting, are you?"
%
During finals at Purdue University in West Lafayette, Ind., test papers 
were being distributed to the class. After conferring with a nervous 
assistant, the professor spoke. "There's a problem," he said. "One of you 
has the answer key instead of the test." Reaching into his billfold, he 
continued, "If you identify yourself, this five-dollar bill is yours."

A young man raised his hand, and the professor walked toward him. "Wait a 
minute," shouted another student.  "I'll give you fifty dollars."
%
Sean is invited to join his good friend Bufu on a deer hunt. My goodness,
isn't Sean excited! He can't even sleep the night before opening day.

At 4:30 AM, the two lads trudge through the woods. Bufu chooses a 
tree to set up his stand, and points out another, about a half-mile
away, for Sean, who sleepily agrees.

After a couple hours waiting for a deer, and fighting to stay awake,
Sean is seized with another feeling -- he's got to take a dump!
He climbs out of his tree stand, drops his pants, and squats down
over a log. However he's constipated. :(

The travel, the lack of sleep, the excitement -- it all catches up
with him, and as he's waiting for his bowels to move, he falls fast
asleep.

Meanwhile.

Bufu, in his stand, alertly notices some movement. He brings his rifle
up, and a nice 6pt buck walks directly into his cross-hairs!
Safety off, squeeeeeeze the trigger - WHAM! The deer drops. Bufu
climbs down, field dresses the deer, then goes in search of Sean,
wanting some help to drag the deer out.

He finds Sean in the position described earlier -- squatting down
still asleep. Bufu chuckles, then decides to play a practical
joke. He goes back to where he's gutted the deer, and collects an
armful of intestines. He creeps back to where Sean is still
asleep, and carefully places the enormous pile directly under
Sean's exposed ass. Then returns to the deer. 

Fifteen minutes later, as Bufu is huffing and puffing, trying
to drag the deer out himself, he sees Sean who looks kind of
green, and considerably ill. What's wrong, he inquires?

"Oh man, oh man!," Sean says. "I squatted down for a crap and
dozed off -- but when I woke up, I had shit out my guts!!"

Bufu gasps.

"But, thanks to God, and the help of a short stick, I got 'em
all back up."
%
Q. How many men does it take to tile a roof?
A. It depends on how thinly you slice them.
%
A guy knocked off early from work and checked in at the local saloon. 
By two o'clock in the morning, he was trashed. Buying a pint of tequila 
for the road and slipping it in his back pocket, he staggered outside, 
tripped over a curb and fell on his ass, busting the whiskey bottle.
   At home, he starts to feel a little pain. He looks in a mirror after 
undressing and sees the blood and the cuts on his butt. Trying to focus 
on the mirror, he repairs the damage as best he can, then crashes in 
bed. 
   The next morning, he wakes up with a hangover from hell, feeling like 
he'd been chewed up by a coyote and shit off a cliff. 
   He looks up through the pain and fog, and sees his wife standing 
beside the bed. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said.  
"Where'd you go?"
   "I worked late and I stopped off at the Lonesome Dove for a couple of 
beers."
   "A couple of beers, hell!" she snorted. "You got so plastered last 
night you couldn't see straight!"
   "What makes you think that?"
   "My first big clue was when I got up this morning  and found a bunch 
of band-aids stuck to the bathroom mirror."
%
A young woman is sitting on the bus cooing to her baby when a drunk 
staggers down the aisle. Stopping and weaving in front of her, he 
focuses on her and finally mutters, "Lady, that's the ugliest baby I've 
ever seen in my whole life."  
  The woman burst into tears. Looking at the commotion in his rear-view 
mirror, the driver stops the bus, goes back and glares at the drunk for 
a minute, then throws him off the bus.
   Returning with his lunch pail to the young woman, he says, "Look, I 
don't know what the bum said to you, but to help calm you down, you can 
have my coffee."
   He takes out a steaming thermos, pours her a cup of coffee and hands 
it to her. Digging back in the lunch pail, he takes out a banana. 
"And here--this is for your pet monkey."
%
A dummy goes ice fishing. He starts to auger a hole in the ice when a 
loud booming voice says, "There's no fish down there!" 
   Dummy stops drilling, moves a little way, and starts to drill again. 
   The same voice booms, "There's no fish down there!" 
   Dummy moves a little further and is about to drill again, but the 
voice immediately booms, "There's no fish down there!" 
   Dummy looks around and says, "Who are you anyways? God?" 
   "No, you jerk! I'm the caretaker of this skating rink!" 
%
Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest 
thing in the world.
   First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick 
your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and 
hits the brain."
   Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and 
open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is 
changed."
   Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you 
press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."
   Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think its the Mexican-two-step 
diarrhea."
   All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?"
   Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border 
to a saloon last night and drank a buncha home-made Mexican tequilla. On 
the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two 
helpings of her Mexican Special, which had been warmed over a time or 
two, and a buncha jalapenas and some chili peppers I never saw before."
   First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or 
diarrhea?"
   Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed? I felt this 
fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or 
blink, or turn that fucking light on....
%
        Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
Guinevere, into her chastity belt.  Then he summoned his loyal friend and
subject Sir Lancelot.  "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife.  The key to this chaste
treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world.  To you."
        Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
blessing and took charge of the key.  Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
        "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
        "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
%
     There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old,
abandoned mine shaft.  Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble
and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard
nothing.  They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited.
Still nothing.  They searched the area for something larger and came
upon a railroad tie.  With great difficulty, the two men carried it to
the opening and threw it in.  While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat
suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
     The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their
faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them.  He
asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said
that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them!  The man
replied, "Oh no.  That couldn't be *my* goat, mine was tied to a
railroad tie."
%
While out on the golf course, a gentleman suddenly falls over
on the ninth green.  "Heart attack", he calls over to a friend,
who then races off to find help.  The friend returns shortly,
panting slightly, and says "Don't worry, I found a doctor on
the third hole who can help you, and they are going to let him
play thru."
%
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there,
it was approached by a pirate ship, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze! 
"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate. 
"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring
me my red shirt." The first mate did so. 
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight.
So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without
casualties. 
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate
sloops! 
"Captain, captain, what should we do?" 
"First mate, bring me my red shirt!" 
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed
to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night,
the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the captain the
secret of his bright red shirt. 
"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the
crew continues to fight without fear." 
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the
lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching! 
"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble! What do we do?" The first mate
looked expectantly at the miracle worker. 
Pale with fear, the captain commanded,
"First mate... bring me my brown pants!" 
%
Latest discovery:
helicopters with ejection seats
%
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of
whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their
glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks:
  'Can your dog perform other tricks?'.
  'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even satisfy a woman'.
Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a
little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation
she lies down on the bed.
The dogs looks at her and does nothing.
  'It's always the same thing with you!',the man then shouts to
  the dog, 'I'll show you how to do it one last time'.
%
warning: this may be offensive.  read at own risk.

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by
chance their seats were next to the elephant pen.  When his father left
to buy popcorn, the boy piped up,
        "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
        "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
        "No, not that."
        "Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
        "No, Mom.  Down underneath."
        His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
        Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get
a soda.  As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.
        "That's the elephant's trunk, son."
        "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is.  The thing at the
other end."
        "Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
        "No.  Down there."
        The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's
penis."
        "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
        The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled*
that woman."
%
How many blondes does it take to milk a cow?
5: one to hold the teats (the udder) and four to shake the cow up and down.
%
	Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the
mirror, admiring her breasts.
	"And what do you think you're doing?" he asked.
	"I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a
twenty-five-year-old."
	"Oh yeah?  And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old
ass?"
	"Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."
%
	A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have
some good news and some bad news."
	He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news."
	She replied, "You're not sterile."
%
TRUST:	Two cannibals having oral sex.
%
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
		-- Woody Allen
%
"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came
upon his wife in bed with another man.  The wife turned and smiled at her
companion.
	"See?" she said.  "I told you he was stupid!"
%
A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the
greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple."
	Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand.
	"Yes, Tony?"
	"Christopher Columbus!" says Tony.
	"Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man,
but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived."
	From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand.
	"Yes, Bernie?"
	"Jesus Christ", says Bernie.
	"That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher.  "And here is
your apple."
	When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize,
the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised
that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived."
	"Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge,
but business is business."
%
ADULTERY:
	Putting yourself in someone else's position.
%
As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept
saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with
one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard,
you're a veterinarian."
%
A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive
little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid.
		-- Adolf Hitler
%
A man was talking to his best friend about his married life.  "You know," he
says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to
me, but there's *always* that doubt.  There's *always* that little doubt."
	"Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
	"Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend,
and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone?  I trust
her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt."
	The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
	"I've got some bad news for you," says the friend.  "The evening
after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house.  A man
got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife.
After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him.  Then, he
took off his shirt and she took off her blouse.  And then the light went
out."
	"*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
	"Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
	"Damn!" roared the husband.  "You see what I mean?  There's *always*
that doubt!"
%
A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand-
father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit
used to raid towns around here!  Did you ever know him?"
	"Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man.  "Why, boy, before
your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse.  Suddenly, from
behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn!  He told me to get
down off the horse and to give him all my money.  Then, he told me to scoop
some manure from the ground and eat it!"
	"I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit.
And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up --
I grabbed the guns from his hands!  I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now
it's your turn -- you eat the shit!'  I had the guns, so he ate the shit.
	"And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit!  Why,
we had *lunch* together!"
%
Trei furnici pe spinarea unui elefant.  Elefantul se scutura si cad
doua.  Ramine una pe git.  Cele de jos:
-Sugruma-l, sugruma-l!
%
A man and a woman got married.  Although it is the first time for the
husband, it is the woman's second marriage.  As they go to bed on their
wedding night, the wife says to her husband:

	"Dear, there's something I must tell you.  I'm a virgin."
Naturally, the husband is surprised.
	"You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a
virgin?"
	"Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a
Microsoft computer programmer."
	"What's so odd about that?", he asked.
	"Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and
tell me how great it was going to be."
%
667 -- The neighbor of the beast.
%
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it
into a urinal.  Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar
and repeats this sequence -- several times.  Finally the bartender got so
curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.
	Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."
%
A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
hard it was to get any sleep.
	"I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
	"That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
	"At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."
%
	Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club 
car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
	"I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
London?"
	The American laughed.  "It was my home for two years during the war," 
he said.  "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
	The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
he say, Reggie?"
	"He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
replied.
	After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You 
didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
	The American almost fell off his chair.  "Hot Pants Hazel!" he 
exclaimed.  "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months 
just before I came back to the States!"
	"What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
	"He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
%
There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a
chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer.

The car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the
engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical
engineer.

"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel mght
be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be a grounding problem", says the electrical engineer,
"or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well,
what do you think?"

"Ummm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"
%
	An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
I have not been enlightened.  What should I do?"
	Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
		-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
%
After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded
bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on
his way to see his wife.  Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked
on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it.  "Where the hell have
you been?" she blared.  "You busted out more than six hours ago!"
%
	"How many people work here?"
	"Oh, about half."
%
	Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly 
approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
	"Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?  
All I have in the world is this gun."
%
	Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his
testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
no attention to the signal.
	The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
"I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
	"No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
%
	n = ((n >>  1) & 0x55555555) | ((n <<  1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
	n = ((n >>  2) & 0x33333333) | ((n <<  2) & 0xcccccccc);
	n = ((n >>  4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n <<  4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
	n = ((n >>  8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n <<  8) & 0xff00ff00);
	n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);

-- Reverse the bits in a word.
%
	The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of
the week.  As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at
the door.  "Please come in!  We're very grateful for your years of service to
us and our neighborhood.  I've prepared something special for you."
 	In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where
Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch.  After dumping his letter satchel
on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal.  As the mailman finished
his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from
leaving and disappears upstairs.  She returns in a moment, in a daring
negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate
farewell is consummated between the sheets.
 	As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand,
pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him.  Reacting to his astonished
look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that
we should do something for you.  He said 'Fuck him.  Give him a dollar!'"
She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea."
%
- Ai poze porno cu nevasta-ta?
- Nu!
- Cumperi?
%
So up goes an Irishman to the pearly gates, and he patiently waits for
St. Peter to look up from his work.  Finally, he gives the Irishman his
attention.

"And you are...?" St. Peter asks.

"I'm Kevin O'Conlan," replies the Irishman.

"Hmm, O'Conlan...O'Conlan..." the gatekeeper mused, poring over his compen-
dious list of people and events.  "Ah, here we are.  Kevin O'Conlan...you're
a member of the Irish Republican Army."

"Yeh, that'd be me," replies Kevin.

"You blew up that pub in London!"

"Yeh."

"You also blew up a bus in Belfast and a munitions transport in 
Northumberland."

"Yeh, that's all me work," comes the nonplussed reply.

St. Peter is just amazed at this guy, and when he finally finds words,
he blurts, "Well, good God, man, we just can't let you in here!"

"Let me in, Hell!" says Kevin.  "I come to tell you you've got ten
minutes to get out!"
%
There was this guy who adored this delicacy called the tomyam
soup. He has to have this soup everyday of his life, you see. No day
would be complete without it. In fact, he can't go to sleep at night
without having his daily bowl of tomyam soup.

One day, he goes to a Thai restaurant... the very place that he
always go to everytime he craves for the soup. The waiters and the
manager knew him well, particularly this one waiter who would always
get good tips from this guy. The waiter ushers him to his table and
brings him a bowl of piping hot tomyam soup. The guy just stared at
the bowl without even lifting a finger.

The waiter waited and waited but the guy didn't even touch his
soup. So he figured "maybe its too hot" so he blew in it to reduce the
heat. Still the guy does nothing. The waiter figured "maybe its too
cold" so he heat it up. But the guy still remained as he was.

Finally the waiter gave up in frustration and said, "For God's
sake, you gotta say something to somebody."

"Alright, wiseguy,"said the customer. "You taste the soup."

The waiter leans forward and said, "Where the hell's the spoon?"

"A-HA!" said the customer.
%
	Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
complexities.  Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
	Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
available to anyone.
		-- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
%
  A woman gets driven to the hospital by her husband, well on in labor, 
and gives birth in the elevator on the way up to the maternity floor.  
She is very upset by this so the nurse tries to comfort her by telling 
her that just last year they had a mother give birth 20 feet from the 
car that drove her in, only to have the mother say 'Yes!  That was me 
too!'.
%
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over
the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
%
A woman rushes into the vet's office carrying her ailing pet.
"Please," she begs, "you've got to do something for my dog!"

The doctor leads her to the examining room where she gently lays
the animal on the table.  After a brief check of the body, the
vet declares, "Ma'am, I'm afraid your dog is dead."

"Oh, no," sobs the woman, "He can't be!  Please, I beg you, there must
be something you can do to help him!"  

So the doctor takes a closer look -- he lifts one of the dog's eyes,
feels its nose, feels the chest for a pulse -- but there is nothing,
the corpse is cold and lifeless.  "I'm really sorry, ma'am, but your
dog is gone."  

The woman begins to sob, "Oh, please!  Isn't there something you can
do to help him?  ANYTHING!?"  

The vet sighs, then says, "Well, there is one more thing I can try."
He goes into the next room for a moment, and returns with a live cat.
Grasping the cat firmly in one hand, he waves the hissing feline in
the dog's face, all around the dog's body, then in the dog's face
again.  But the dog just lies there, so the vet returns the cat to the
next room.  "I'm really sorry, ma'am, but your dog is really dead, and
nobody can bring him back."  

Regathering her composure, the woman sniffs, wipes away a tear, and
asks the vet, "Well, at least thank you for trying.  How much do I owe
you?"  

"That'll be 320 dollars," says the vet.  Shocked, the woman exclaims,
"What?!  But you really didn't do anything!"  

"Standard fee," says the vet.  "$20 for the examination, and $300 for
the cat scan."
%
Tobacco wasn't getting such a bad press back in his day, and Thomas
Edison was a heavy smoker of stogies. But he was somewhat annoyed when
his friends helped themselves liberally to his expensive cigars from
Cuba. He decided to play a practical joke on them. He had a cigar
maker construct a lot of authentic-looking smokes made entirely of
cabbage leaves with brown paper wrapping. He left these in a prominent
place on his desk. Then in a day or two he left on a short trip. When
he returned, his Havanas started disappearing again.

"But what did you do with those--er--new cigars I ordered?" he asked
his secretary.

"Oh, those," said the secretary. "I took it for granted that those
cigars were something special. So I put that box in your suitcase."

My goodness!" exclaimed Edison. "You mean to say that I smoked every
one of those lousy things myself?"
%
        A first-time Congressman was being interviewed by the local
paper.  "Mr. Congressman," said the reporter, "when you get to
Washington, are you going to be a pawn for the powerful interests that
most of your constituents think will control you?"
        "I resent that question, Sir," the Congressman replied.  "I do
not plan to take my wife to Washington."
%
A young fellow and his girl are parked in a lover's lane that runs
along a river. The guy wants to make love, but the girl is afraid
somebody will come along and see them. They decide to do it under his
Dodge 4 X 4 pickup with oversized tires and lots of room under.
   A few minutes later, a county deputy pulls up and says, "Hey, what
the devil you all doing down there?" 
   The young fellow being in a full rut doesn't even look up, but
manages to say, "I'm  fixing my muffler."
   The deputy says, "Well, son, you shoulda been fixin' your parking
brake, 'cause your truck just rolled into the river."
%
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket
when he slipped and fell heavily.  Struggling to his feet, he felt
something wet running down his leg.  "Please, God," he implored, "let
it be blood!"
%
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
		-- Tom Lehrer
%
**WATCH OUT: This is a bit sadisctic.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their 
adventures on the seas.  The seaman notes that the pirate has a 
peg-leg, a hook-hand, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept
overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out,
a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and
were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my
hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked
incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."
%
An old lady calls the newspaper and asks for the obituary section.
The obit guy asks, "What can I do for you?'
   "I'd like to place an obituary."
   "Awright, how would you like it to read?'
   "Irving Cohen died."
   "That's it? Irving Cohen died?"
   "That's it."
   "But you get four lines in the obit. It's included in the price."
   "All right. Irving Cohen died...Cadillac for sale."
%
Common Laser sign found around many laser labs:

Caution:
Do not look into laser with remaining eye!
%
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

"You , attorney Leon; gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave
me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket & pulled out a check.  He handed it
to Leon....

"Now then, I'm returning $5,000 & we're going to decide this case
solely on its merits."
%
** Warning: this is a bit offensive (talks about sex).

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon,
he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for
Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual com
traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.  Before
he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr.
Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some
rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in
either the Russian nor American space programs.

Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good
luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant.  On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while
answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26
year old question to Armstrong.  He finally responded.  It seems that
Mr.  Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the
question.  When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his
brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in
front of his neighbors' bedroom window.  The neighbors were Mr and
Mrs.  Gorsky.  As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs.
Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex?  Oral sex you want?  You'll
get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
%
This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.  One
day, he sees a speck in the horizon.  He thinks to himself, "It's not
a ship."  The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a
boat."  The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet
suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've
had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and
pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!
Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of
whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve,
pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of
her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since
you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God!  Don't tell me that you've got golf
clubs in there!"
%
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower:  "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!!  Do you
have the airfield in sight?!?!!"

Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where
the fuel truck is."
%
During a trial a lawyer asks a farmer, "At the scene of the accident,
did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?" 
   "Sure did," said the farmer.
   Lawyers says, "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you
were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?" 
   Farmer says, "When the deputy arrived, he went over to my horse,
which had a broke leg, and shot him. Then he went over to my dog, which
was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I figured
that under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I
never felt better in my life." 
%
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
game.  Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
along it at the water's edge.  Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.  Then, the
paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
colony and overfly it.  Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
fall over gently onto their backs.
		-- Audobon Society Magazine
%
** Warning: political joke [I didn't compose it; don't blame me]

A democrat and a republican were in the Bahamas scuba diving.

Lying on the beach, the republican says "ah, this is the life"

"Yeah" says the democrat, "and it wouldn't have happened except for the
fire.  My house burned down, and I lost everything.  But the insurance
covered all my losses and I had enough left over to come here while my
house is being built"

"What a coincidence" says the republican "I'm here because I lost my
house in a flood, and everything was covered, with enough left over for
THIS trip.  I'll be here till my house is finished"

The democrat looks puzzled and pounderous for about an hour.  Not being
able to take it anymore, he asks the republican

"How the heck do you start a flood?"
%
* Warning: a bit sadistic

	On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum 
to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.  
There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning 
alive.  "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't 
dead yet.  I can see her lips moving.  Go quickly and find out what she is 
saying."
	The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
the flames as he dared, and listened intently.  Then he turned and ran back
to the imperial box.  "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
singing."
	"Singing?" said the astounded emperor.  "Singing what?"
	"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
%
		WinErr 00AB: Device `mouse' not found.
		  Click on left button to continue.
%
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents.  Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first
time.  Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.  He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.  At the register,
the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a
3-pack, 10-pack or family pack.  The boy insists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and
all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door.

"Oh I'm so excited for your to meet my parents, come on in!"  The boy
goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents
are seated.  The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
down.  10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.  Finally,
after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over
and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this
religious." 

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist!"
%
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
        There are no answers, only cross references.
%
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor,
I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without
repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet,
conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.  One
day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat,
shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"  But this just makes the bird
mad and he swears more than ever.  Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for
you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the
bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the
bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran
sailor blush.
 
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws
and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet.  At first the guy just
waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a
couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer
door.
 
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully
sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my
vocabulary from now on."  The man is astounded. He can't understand the
transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the
way, what did the chicken do?"
%
** Warning: animal lovers do not read this

In a recent issue of "Meat & Poultry" magazine, editors quoted from
"Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation,
reporting the following story:

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for
testing the strength of windshields on airplanes.  The device is an air
cannon that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately
the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact,
it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.  It seems that
British Rail was very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on
a brand new, ultra high speed locomotive they're developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired.  The
ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's
chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the
engine cab.  The British engineers were stunned and asked the FAA to
review the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA checked  the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:
"Try thawing the chicken next time."
%
                       "Woman" - A Chemical Analysis
                        ****************************
 
       Element        :    Woman
       Symbol         :    WO
       Discoverer     :    Adam
       Atomic mass    :    Accepted as 53.6 Kg, may vary from 40 to
                           200 Kg
       Occurrence     :    Copious quantities in all urban areas
 
       PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
       1.   Surface usually covered with painted film.
       2.   Boils at various temperatures, freezes without any known 	 
            reason.
       3.   Melts if given special treatment.
       4.   Bitter if incorrectly used.
       5.   Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
       6.   Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
 
       CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
       1.   Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious 
            stones.
       2.   Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
       3.   May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no
            known reason.
       4.   Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by
            saturation in alcohol.
       5.   Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
 
       COMMON USES
       1.   Mainly ornamental.
       2.   Can be a great aid in relaxation.
       3.   Very effective cleaning agent.
 
       TESTS
       1.   Pure specimen turns rosy pink when found in natural state.
       2.   Turns green when placed beside better specimen.
 
       POTENTIAL HAZARDS
       1.   Highly dangerous, except in experienced hands.
       2.   Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be
            maintained in different locations as long as specimens do
            come into direct contact with each other.
%
From the Book of Heroical Failures:

We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most
unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose
from his seat, drew a gun and took the stewardess hostage.

"Take me to Detroit," he demanded.

"We're already going to Detroit," she replied.

"Oh... good," he said, and sat down again.
%
* Warning: religious people might be offended (they shouldn't, though).

   The following announcements appeared in various church bulletins.
 
 Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
   
 Thursday night-Potluck supper.  Prayer and medication to follow.
   
 Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
    community.
   
 For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have
    a nursery downstairs.
   
 The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth 
    of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
   
 This afternoon there will be a meeting in the North & South
    ends of the church.  Children will be baptized at both ends.
   
 Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers
    Club.  All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers will meet with the
    Pastor in his study.
   
 This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward
     and lay an egg on the altar.
   
 Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost
    of the new carpet.  All those wishing to do something on the new
    carpet will come forward and do so.
   
 The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. 
     They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
   
 At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
    "What is Hell?"  Come early and listen to our choir practice.
%
                  Helpful Camping Tips

by Bruce Cochran; from the Sept. `96 issue of Backpacker:

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will
keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite
stump apart and eating all the ants.

Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over
an open fire.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm.  A hot
enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your
toes.

You'll never be awakened by the call of a loon if you have an unlisted
number.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy
Knife has remained largely unheralded.  Its single blade functions as a
tiny canoe paddle.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter.  Warning:  Remove lint
from navel before applying the match.

You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the
north side of your compass.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into
a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt.  It gives you something
to wipe your nose on.

You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running
over it with your car.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.
A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey
puck.

You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then
breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting
small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your
underwear.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent
kindling.

A large carp can be used for a pillow.

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations.  The
sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country.
The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of
politicians for toilet paper.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle
a snoring tent mate.
%
* You might find this offensive.  Not very, I think.

Two women are playing golf. The first tees off and watches in horror
as the ball heads directly toward a foursome of men playing the next 
hole. 
   The ball hits one of the guys, who immediately clasps his hands 
together at his crotch, falls to the ground and rolls around in agony.
   The woman rushes to the guy and immediately begins apologizing,
saying,  "Please allow me to help! I'm a physical therapist and I  know
I could relieve your pain if you'd just let me!"
   The guy's still in a fetal position, clasping his  hands together at
his crotch, moaning and groaning. Finally, he's able to mumble, "I'll
be...okay...in a few minutes."
   The woman takes it upon herself to begin to treat his pain. She 
begins to massage his groin. After a few moments she asks, "Does that 
feel better?"
   The guy looks up at her and says, "Yeah, lady, feels great. But my 
goddamn thumb still hurts like hell!"
%
An old farmer decides it's time to get a new rooster for his hens.
The current rooster is still doing an okay job, but he's getting on in
years.

And the farmer figures getting a new rooster can't hurt anything. So
he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him
loose in the barn yard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets
a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old
rooster.  I've got to do something about this.

He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town?
I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready
for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird.  And
to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over
there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets
to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster is a proud sort, and he definitely thinks he's
more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," says the young
rooster.  "And since you're so old, I'll even give you a head start of
half a lap. I'll still win easy," says the young rooster.

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with
all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the
hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old
rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old
guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.

Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time
around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young
rooster. By now the farmer has heard all the commotion . He runs into
the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a
fox or something is after his chickens.

When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen
house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately
takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself...

"Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
%
After the Hugh Grant incident that made the papers, Bill Gates called
up Hugh Grant.  Bill asked him "Was it really worth $50 to almost
ruin your career?"

Hugh replied "Bill, actually it was worth a million".

So Bill called up Hughes' favorite prostitute, but since she  became
so famous,  her prices had gone up quite a bit.  So Bill paid $10,000
for a night with Divine.

In  the  morning  he  said,  "That  was  fantastic!  Now  I   know
why professionally you call yourself 'divine'".

She answered "Thank you, and now  I  know  why  you  call  your
company Microsoft."
%
A guy from Montana was bragging how large his cattle ranch was,
saying, "It takes all day to ride out to the west fence, two days to
reach the south fence, another day to get to his east fence, and two
more days to get home."
   The Texan said, "Yeah, I had a horse like that once."
%
"Tell me,"said the personnel director of a large corporation "are you
an honest attorney?"
"Honest?" the lawyer replied.  "Let me tell you something. My father 
lent me ten thousand dollars for my education, and I paid him back in 
full after my first case."
"I'm impressed," he said. "And what case was that?"
The attorney squirmed slightly. "he sued me for the money."
%
Portsmouth, R.I.  Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of
vending machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police
inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine
and (2) later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.
%
On a train to a large computer convention there were a bunch of
computer programmers and a bunch of computer engineers.   Each of
the programmers had a train ticket.  The group of engineers had
only ONE ticket for all of them.  The programmers started
laughing, figuring the engineers were going to get caught and
thrown off the train.

When one of the engineers, the lookout, said "here comes the
conductor", all of the engineers went into the bathroom.  The
programmers were puzzled.

The conductor came aboard, said "tickets please" and got tickets
from all the computer programmers.  He then went to the bathroom
and knocked on the door and said "ticket please".  The engineers
stuck the ticket under the door.  The conductor took it and moved
on.   A few minutes later the engineers came out of the bathroom.
The computer programmers felt really stupid.

On the way back from the convention, the group of programmers
decided that they would try that method, too.  They bought one
ticket for the whole group.  They met up with the engineers in the
same car.

Again, the programmers started snickering at the engineers.  This
time NONE of the engineers had tickets.  When the lookout said
"Conductor coming!",  all the engineers went to one bathroom and
all the computer programmers went to the other bathroom.

Before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left
their bathroom, knocked on the programmers bathroom, and said
"ticket please."
%
There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
any worse.
%
A type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal.  For a
week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the
staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the
food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical bigshot.
   One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying, "Time to take
your temperature, sir."
   After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally
opened his mouth for the thermometer. 
   "Sorry, sir," said the nurse, "but for this test we need your
temperature from the other end." 
   After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy
finally rolled over and bared his butt.
   After the nurse finished, she said, "Stay exactly like that and don't
move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you." 
   The nurse left, leaving the door ajar. The guy's back is to the
door, and for over a quarter of an hour, he hears people wandering up
and down the hall, sniggering and chortling.
   At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his
bare ass in the air and gawked. Finally, he asks, "What's going on
here?" 
   The guy barks, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their
temperature taken?" 
   "Not with a petunia." 
%
* warning: sadistic

Attorney : "You drove one of your passengers to a secluded spot,
strangled him, dismembered his body. What have you to say?"

Defendant : "Who's going to pay the taxi fare?
%
A city slicker asks the farmer, "You been living on this one farm all
your life?"

Farmer drawls, "Not yet."
%
Our paper carried the notice last week that Mr Herman 
Jones is a defective in the police force. This was a 
typograhical error. Mr Jones, of course, is a detective
on the police farce.
             ---- The Ootlewah Times (Tennessee)
%
A young man was pulled over by the Louisiana state police for speeding. 
The officer stepped out his patrol car, pulled up his gun holster,
adjusted his mirror sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's
window.

What chew driving so fast for boy?  You going to a fire?  Let me see ya
license boy.  The young man handed over his license.  

Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the young man's car was
full of big knives.  The officer said, " Tell me boy, why you got them
knives on that there back seat?"   The young man replied, "Well Sir, I'm
a juggler."  The officer spit some tobacco juice out the side of his
mouth and then he said, " A juggler; well you don't say."  Boy put cha
hands on the trunk of your car;  you going to jail.

The young man pleaded to the officer not to take him to jail.  The young
man offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of a
demonstration.  The young man said, " You can even hold me at gun point
while I juggle for you."  The officer reluctantly allowed the young man
to prove his point while he held him at gun point.

Two miles down the road a Joe's Tavern, Jim Billy James drinking it up
with his favorite drinking buddy Homer T. Ratcliff.  Jim Billy was
heading out the door to go home to his wife.  He slumbered to his rusty
old 1976 Ford truck and crawled in.

Jim Billy was driving down highway 442, and trying his best to stay on
his side of the road.  Then all of a sudden Jim Billy saw the most
unbelievable sight of his life.  Jim Billy tried his best to keep that
pickup on the road.  Later down the road, Jim Billy stopped at the first
pay phone he saw.

He dialed the number to Joe's Tavern and asked for Homer T. Ratcliff. 
When Homer picked up the phone Jim Billy said, " Homer what ever you do
when you leave that there tavern, don't go north on highway 442.  The
state police is giving a sobriety test that can't nobody pass."
%
Police officer Michael Fenwick was scheduled for all-night duty at the
8th District station. He was relieved of duty early, and arrived home
four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 a.m. Not wanting to wake his
lucisous wife Camille, he undressed in the dark, creeped into the
bedroom and started to climb into bed.  Camille sleepily sat up and
said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store
next block and get me some extra strength Tylenol; I've got a
splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he
crawled back into his uniform and ran out of the house to the drug
store. As he arrived,the pharmicist looked up in surprise. "Say," said
the druggist, "aren't you officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said Fenwick.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the fire chief's 
uniform?"
%
Having just returned from an extended business trip, Harvey lay down
to go to sleep next to his voluptuous wife, Mimi. Mimi was dreaming
about her lover, Jacques.  Suddenly, in her dream, she imagined she
heard a familiar step outside her bedroom door. She screamed aloud in
her sleep, "Get out, quickly, my husband's coming!" With that, Harvey
leaped out of bed and bounded into the closet.
%
Two hunters paid a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk
hunting, where they bagged six nice bucks. The pilot came back as
arranged to pick them up. When they started loading their gear into the
plane, including the six elk, the pilot objected, saying, "I told you
before, the plane can only take out four of your elk. You gotta leave
two behind."
   They argued, telling him that the year before they had shot six and
the pilot had put all of them aboard, and the plane was exactly like
this one. Against his better judgment, the pilot finally permitted the
hunters to put all six aboard.
   When they attempted to take off, the plane couldn't make it, crashing
in the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the
other, "You got any idea where we are?"
   "I think so," replied the other hunter. "Ain't this is the same place
we landed last year?"
%
     Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are
expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

     Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of
their last sins before they are made holy.

     "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a
penis?"

     "Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the
tip of one with the tip of my finger."

     "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass
on into heaven."

     The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away
and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."

     "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass
on into heaven."

     Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns
is trying to cut in front.

     "Well now, what's going on here?"  says St. Peter.

     "Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve
her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I
want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in it!"
%
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and
engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores
their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she
hears one of the men say the following;

"Emma come first.  Den I come.  Two asses, they come together.  I come
again.  Two asses, they come together again.  I come again and pee
twice.  Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola downa lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa
to spella Mississippi."
%
A young lady and an old one sit on a bench waiting for the bus. The
young lady smokes a cigarette. The rain starts suddenly. The young
woman looks into her purse, and gets a condom out of it! She opens the
little envelope and wraps the cigarette into the condom to keep it out
of the rain. The old lady looks very puzzled, and thinks that she
never saw such a thing, but she also thinks it's a very useful thing
and she should buy one also.

So the old lady goes to a drugstore and tells the vendor:

- Can I have some of those, please?
- Condoms?!  Aaaaaaaa, hm, sure... Which size?
- Well, just the size of a camel
%
There's a guy with a Doberman pincher and a guy with a chihuahua. The guy 
with the Doberman pincher says to the guy with a chihuahua, "Let's go 
over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the 
chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman pincher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk 
over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman pincher puts on a pair 
of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, 
"Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman pincher says, "You don't understand. This is my 
seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman pincher?" He says, 
"Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door 
says, "Come on in."

The guy with the chihuahua figures, "What the hell," so he puts on a pair 
of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, 
pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the chihuahua says, "You don't 
understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A 
chihuahua?" He says, "You mean they gave me a chihuahua?"
%
A blind guy stops at an intersection with his guide-dog. The sign
lights to cross, but instead of helping his owner to cross, the  dog
cocks his leg an pees on the man's pants. The blind guy reaches in his
pocket and gives the dog a cookie. 
   A fellow next to them observes this and tells the blind guy, "Hey,
that dog just pissed on your leg. If it was my dog, I'd kick his
ass!"     
   Blind guy says, "I'm working on it. But first I gotta find his
head!"
%
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all
over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell
you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for
their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went
to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and
returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said
to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths
for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
%
* warning: brutal

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys?  We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper.  Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George.  Say George, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes.  That's a group of blind fire fighters.  They lost
their sight while saving our club house last year.  So we let them
play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That's so sad.  I think I will say a special prayer for them
tonight.

Doctor: Good idea.  And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy
and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer:  Why can't these guys play at night?
%
Be sociable.
Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
%
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
Buy the negatives at any price.
%
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.  After a few minutes the
disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what
causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized.

"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.  How long have
you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope
does."
%
           The Evolution of a Programmer 
           ----------------------------- 
 
 
 High School/Jr.High 
 =================== 
 
      10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD" 
      20 END 
 
 First year in College 
 ===================== 
      program Hello(input, output) 
      begin 
       writeln('Hello World') 
      end. 
 
 Senior year in College 
 ====================== 
      (defun hello 
      (print 
      (cons 'Hello (list 'World)))) 
 
 New professional 
 ================ 
      #include <stdio.h> 
      void main(void) 
      { 
        char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"}; 
        int i; 

        for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i) 
          printf("%s", message[i]); 
        printf("\n"); 
      } 
 
 Seasoned professional 
 ===================== 
      #include <iostream.h> 
      #include <string.h> 

      class string 
      { 
      private: 
        int size; 
        char *ptr; 

      public: 
        string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {} 

        string(const string &s) : size(s.size) 
        { 
          ptr = new char[size + 1]; 
          strcpy(ptr, s.ptr); 
        } 

        ~string() 
        { 
          delete [] ptr; 
        } 

        friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &); 
        string &operator=(const char *); 
      }; 

      ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s) 
      { 
        return(stream << s.ptr); 
      } 

      string &string::operator=(const char *chrs) 
      { 
        if (this != &chrs) 
        { 
          delete [] ptr; 
          size = strlen(chrs); 
          ptr = new char[size + 1]; 
          strcpy(ptr, chrs); 
        } 
        return(*this); 
      } 

      int main() 
      { 
        string str; 

        str = "Hello World"; 
        cout << str << endl; 

        return(0); 
      } 
 
 
 Apprentice Hacker 
 =================== 
      #!/usr/local/bin/perl 
      $msg="Hello, world.\n"; 
      if ($#ARGV >= 0) { 
        while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) { 
          $outfilename = $arg; 
          open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || die "Can't write $arg:$!\n"; 
      
          print (FILE $msg); 
          close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg: $!\n"; 
        } 
      } else { 
        print ($msg); 
      } 
      1; 
 
 Experienced Hacker 
 =================== 
      #include <stdio.h> 
      #define S "Hello, World\n" 
      main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);} 
 
 Seasoned Hacker 
 =================== 
      $ cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c 
      $ a.out 
 
 Guru Hacker 
 =================== 
      $ cat 
      Hello, world. 
      ^D 
 
 New Manager 
 =================== 
      10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD" 
      20 END 
 
 Middle Manager 
 =================== 
      mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12 
      Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello, 
      world."? 
      I need it by tomorrow. 
      ^D 
 
 Senior MAnager 
 =================== 
      $ zmail brian 
      I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon. 
 
 Chief Executive 
 =================== 
      $ letter 
      letter: Command not found. 
      $ mail 
      To: ^X ^F ^C 
      $ help mail 
      help: Command not found. 
      $ damn! 
      !: Event unrecognized 
      $ logout 
%
A burglar breaks into a house and as he is prowling around in
the dark a voice says "Jesus is watching you!".  Thinking the game
is up he turns the light on but there is no one there except for a
Parrot in a cage which after a pause says "Jesus is watching you!".~

The relieved felon walks over to the Parrots cage and says "you're a
lovely bird, whats your name?", "Griswold" replied the parrot,
"That's a silly name for a parrot" the burglar exclaimed "Yes" said
the parrot "and Jesus is a silly name for a Dobermann too!"
%
* warning: sadistic

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
%
Two rabbits escape from a lab.  They run as far away as they can and
by some miracle find themselves in field full of carrots -- rabbit
heaven they think and tuck in.  They eat themselves silly and then
rather handly find a comfortable burrow close by and settle down for a
snooze.

Many hours later they wake up and rubbing their bleary eyes wander
outside to see a load of rabbits gambling about in the field.  More
Rabbit heaven they think as they begin to indulge in that favorite
rabbit pass-time (of sex).  After a number of long heavy sessions they
again settle down in the burrow.  Where they get chatting.

Finally one rabbit remarks, "You know what I really want to go back to
the lab."

"What!  We have all we want here -- why would you want to go back
there?"

"Well it's true that we've had all the sex and food that we could wish
for but you know what I'm just dying for a smoke."
%
* warning: touches religious issues

A catholic priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment
on a train.  After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying
"I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat
pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?  

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth.  Yes, I have, on the odd
occasion."  Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation.  He asked,
"Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate.  But...."

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask.  I have
succumbed once or twice."  There was silence for a while.  Then the
Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better
than pork, isn't it?"
%
A couple is driving down the highway when a cop pulls them over.  The
cop walks up and says, "You were doing eighty-five in a fifty-five."

The guy says, "You know, officer, I was doing sixty the whole time,
and then the last few minutes, I guess I was just keeping up with
traffic and I wasn't watching..."

His wife says, "That's not true.  You were doing eighty-five or ninety
the whole time."

He turns to her and says, "Will you shut the hell up?"

The cop says, "And I notice you haven't got your seatbelt buckled."

He says, "Well, officer, I did have it buckled, but then I had to undo
it to get my wallet out to show you my license."

His wife says, "That's not true.  You haven't had it on the whole
time."

He turns to her and says, "What the hell is wrong with you?  Shut your
trap."

The cop walks around to the wife's side and motions for her to roll
down the window.  He says, "Does he always talk to you like that?"

She says, "Only when he's drunk."
%
* warning: Clinton involved

The President gets into his helicopter with a pig under each arm.

"Nice pigs, sir!" says the marine on duty.

"These aren't just pigs," says the President. "These are prize-winning
Arkansas Razorbacks! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."

"Good work, sir!" says the marine. "Excellent trade!"
%
Hiroshima 45 - Tschernobyl 86 - Windows 95
%
A cannibal and his son are hiding behind some bushes, waiting for
some food to stroll by. 
   After a few minutes, a skinny guy comes along. The son says,"How 
about him, dad?"  
   "Naw," says the father, "too skinny." 
   A while later a fat guy wanders by. "What about that guy, dad?" asks
the son.  
   "Naw, too much cholesterol."
   A little later, a foxy chick wriggles by. The son asks, "How about
her, Dad?"  
   "Absolutely. Let's take her  home and eat your mother!" 
%
Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a cave. One of the bats
feels rather hungry. "Let's go and find some blood", he suggests.
     
"I don't think you can get any blood this time of the day", says the
other bat.
     
"Well, I want some blood and I want it now!", says the first bat and
prepares to take off. "Are you coming or what?"
     
"Don't be stupid, you'll just waste your time", says the second bat.
     
So the first bat flies anyway. After a few minutes he is back with blood
smeared all over his face.
     
"Where did you manage to find blood this time of the day?", asks the
second bat.
     
"Well, do you see that tree out there?", says the first bat and points
at a tree outside the cave, "Do you see that tree?"
     
"Yes", says the second bat, "of course I see it".
     
"Well, I didn't", replies the first.
%
An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen.  He was amazed to find that
over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
let it spill out).  The American said with a nervous laugh,
        "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
do you, Professor Bohr?  After all, as a scientist --"
Bohr chuckled.
        "I believe no such thing, my good friend.  Not at all.  I am
scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense.  However, I am told
that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
%
This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache all over.  Everywhere
I touch it hurts."

The doctor says, "OK.  Touch your elbow."

The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.  The doctor,
surprised, says "Touch your head."

The guy touches his head and jumps in agony.  The doctor asks him to
touch his knee and the same thing happens.  Everywhere the guy touches
he hurts like hell.  The doctor is stumped and orders a complete
examination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two
days.

Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor says "We've found your
problem."

"Oh yeah? What is it?"

"You've broken your finger!"
%
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to
a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon."

He knocked.

The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.

"Could ye spare some victuals?"

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she shouted.

"Could I at least use your privvy?"

"No!" she shouted again.

The vagabond said, "Might I please ...?"

"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
%
Two old guys fishing in a boat on Lake Pontchartrain.  A bottle
comes floating by in the current.  One old codger scoops it up, sees
a cork in the top, and yanks it out.  Genie pops out in a puff of
smoke and says, "You get one wish between the two of yas--make it a
good one."  The old man in the front of the boat yells back to his
fishing buddy. "Lemme handle this--I know just what to ask for!"

He looks at the genie and says, "We want the whole lake to be turned
into ice cold beer!"  The genie nods and says, "You got it, boys!"
And instantaneously, the whole lake is beer!

The old man in the back of the boat throws a life preserver, smacks
his buddy up-side the head, and yells out, "You dumb dipshit!  Why in
the hell did you do that?"

""Whadaya talking about?" the other fisherman answers.  "I thought
you'd like a lake-full of beer.  What's the problem?"

"The problem is now we gotta pee in the boat!!!!"
%
This past fall semester, at Yale University, there were two sophomores
who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of
the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the
final, they had a solid A.  These two friends were so confident going
into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the
Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to Harvard and party
with some friends up there.  So they did this and had a great time.

     However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all
day Sunday and didn't make it back to New Haven until early Monday
morning.  Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find
the professor after the final and explain to him why they missed the
final.  They told him that they went up to Cambridge for the weekend,
and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a
flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get
help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.  The
prof thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the
final on the following day.  The two guys were elated and relieved.
So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that
the prof had told them.  He placed them in separate rooms and handed
each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

     They looked at the first problem, which was something simple
about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they
thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then
turned the page.

     They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

     It said: '(95 points) Which tire?
%
                        Pittsburgh Driver's Test

8:      Pedestrians are

        (a) irrelevant.
        (b) communists.
        (c) a nuisance.
        (d) difficult to clean off the front grille.

The correct answer is (a).  Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
%
 A computer engineer was found dead (starved) in his shower. The only
clue was the shampoo container that reads:

        Instructions:
                -Apply shampoo
                -Rinse
                -Repeat
%
   Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body. 
   One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer.  Just look at all the joints.''
   Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer.  The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections.''
   The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer.  Who else would run
a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''
%
Lawyer says to client: "I've got good news and bad news.  
Client says, "Gimme the good news first."  
"Okay, your wife found a picture worth $100,000." 
Clients says, "That's great, what's the bad news?" 
Lawyer says, "It's of you and your girlfriend."
%
Four surgeons were taking a coffe break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to opperate on. You
open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You
open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and
everything inside is color-coded.

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless
spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangable."
%
You know you are addicted to the Internet when...

 You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications
Decency Act.

 You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

 Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

 Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

 You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

 You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and
 no phone lines.

 You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a
 cellular modem and a laptop.

 You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your  lap...
 and your child in the overhead compartment.

 All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster
 connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

 And even your night dreams are in HTML.

 You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using
 a word processor.com

 You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like
 you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

 You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

 You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

 Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a
 new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never
 had heart problems before.

 You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved
 and you don't have a clue when it happened.

 You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear
 if new e-mail arrives.

 Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of
 what she looks like.

 All of your friends have an @ in their names.

 When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all
 of them are already highlighted in purple.

 Your dog has its own home page.

 You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway
 through Lycos. or  C ontinue?

 You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

 You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no
 idea where your children are.

 You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it
 again.

 You refer to your age as 3.x.

 You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and
 even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

 Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

 Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on
 your favorite IRC channel.

 You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

 You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends,
 because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

 You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

 You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.

 Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

 You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check
 your e-mail on the way back to bed.

 You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
 landscape.

 You tell the cab driver you live at
 http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

 You actually try that 123.elm.street address.

 You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's
 got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

 Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your
 IRC channel.

 Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

 You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines
 useless.

 You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape
 2.01or higher."

 You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
 ISP...because you never log off.

 The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

 You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in
 front of your computer with a toilet.

 You forget what year it is.
 You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

 You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.

 Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you
 buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of
 you can chat.

 As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road,
 your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
%
Politically correct humor:

There's a homosexual, a bisexual and a lesbian sitting in a bar having a 
quiet drink....nothing wrong with that.
%
A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked
behind his ear.  He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the day's
activities, where a coworker asks why he has a rectal thermometer behind
his ear.  In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and
exclaims, "Damn!  Some patient has got my pen!"
%
Real Headlines:
  Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
  Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
  Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
  Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
  Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
  Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
  Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
  Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
  Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
  Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
  New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
  Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
  Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
  Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
  Include your Children when Baking Cookies
%
At a resort, a guy walks up to an older fellow who is sitting in the 
sun, sipping iced tea. 
   Young guy says, "Hey, how about a round of golf." 
   "Nah," the older fellow replies, "tried it once, didn't like it." 
   "Well, how about a swim? It'll be more refreshing that your iced tea 
there." 
   "Nah," the older fellow responds, "tried it once, didn't like it."
   "Young guy says, "Well, how about a game of tennis?"
   "Naw, tried it once and didn't like it. But my son will be here soon. 
He's usually up for a game or two." 
   Young guy replies, "Your only child I presume?" 
%
Guide to windows 95

Multitasking

    You can crash several programs all at once. No waiting !

Built-in Networking

    You can crash several PC's all at once.
    No need to buy Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash.

Microsoft Network

    Connect with other Windows 95 users and talk about your
    crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will
    be organized.

PnP

    Plug and Pray (that it works)

Multimedia

    Experience the immense sight and sound of crashing.

Compatible with existing software

    It will also crash your existing software.

Increased Productivity

    You will need to *increase* your budget to buy more *products*
    like RAM and HardDrives. Better yet, get a new computer !
    That's product-ivity.

User-Friendly

    Picture of clouds

State of the Art

    Pay for Bill's next bid for a work of art.

MacIntosh-like

    It took Microsoft eleven years and it's not even original.

Online Registration

    Dial into Microsoft and let them snoop around your harddrive.
    This will guarantee you a place in Microsoft's files for the
    rest of your life.

MS Plus

    More money for Bill's plus side.

Optimize

    It will increase the utilization of your hard drive and cpu
    so much so that you'll end up upgrading your system.
    See "Increased Productivity".
%
A salesman Joe came earlier than expected home and told his wife that
he wants to take a nice bath and a nice cool beer, so if anyone calls
she shoud say he is not home.

After a while the phone rang and Joe heard his wife say:
"Unfortunately he is home!"

Joe:"I forbade you to tell I am home!"

Wife:"Do not worry -- the call was for me!"
%
A guy walks into a bar and orders a double shot of bourbon.  He downs
it then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a picture.  He stares at
the picture for a moment then puts it away and orders another double.
After downing that drink, he proceeds to pull out the picture and
examine it before putting it away and ordering another double.  This
goes on for about

4 rounds of drinks before the bartender asks him whats going on.
"Well," the guy says, "This is a picture of my wife, and when she
starts to look good, I'm going home."
%
* Warning: offensive (sex)

-Have you ever had sex in three?
-No.  Why?
-If you run quickly home, you still have a chance to.
%
Q: What is an experienced Emacs user?
A: A person who wishes that the terminal had pedals.
%
These two guys are in the wild west of the US about 150 years ago.
They walk into a bar and they see a sign which says "WE PAY $100 FOR
INDIAN SCALPS".  So Charles turns to Edgar and says "hey look that's
easy money old chap, let us find us some natives."  So the two of them
go out, find two indians, scalp them and duly get their their $100.

That night they sleep in a tent on the edge of town.  The next morning
Charles wakes up and sticks his head out of the tent and he sees
20,000 indians standing in a circle around them.  He quickly gets back
into the tent and shouts excitedly: "Edgar, we're rich we're rich!"
%
Collected from medical interview records.

-Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid
-The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
-She stated trhat she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989
when she got a divorce.
-Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
-The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran
out of gas and crashed.
-I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
-Bleeding started in trhe rectal area and continued all the way to Los
Angeles.
-Both breast are equal and reactive to light and accomodation.
-Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like
to work her up.
-Exam of genetalia reveals that he is circus sized.
-She is numb from her toes down.
-Exam off genetalia was completely negitive except for the right foot.
-While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
-The skin was moist and dry.
-The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
-Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
-Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
-Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in
no distress.
-Patient was alert and unresponsive. 
%
Intel recently revealed a new supercomputer, which can use up to 9,000 Pentium
Pro CPU's working in parallel.  It's been benchmarked at 1.4 teraflops, and
it is the fastest computer in the world today.

Rumor has it that it boots Windows '95 in less than a minute.
%
* I will discontinue sending jokes during the holiday.  I wish everybody
* happy holidays!  Merry Christmas!

So this snail was crawling across the driveway, when it was run over
by a turtle.  There was a big ruckus over the accident, with the police
eventually being involved.  

The investigating officer said to the snail, "OK....can you tell us what
happened?"

The snail replied, "Well, officer .....I dunno....it all happened so
fast....."
%
	Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
rational functions needed to represent the integrand.  Although the
algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate
structure of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization,
we cannot claim that the algorithm is a natural one.  In fact, the
creator of differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early
1950's, largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his
work.  Probably he would have received more attention had he obtained
the algorithm as well.
		-- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J.F. Traub
%
* A bit offensive, maybe

 A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.  He orders a drink and
while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs
some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table,
grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey
just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool
table, whole!", says the bartender.  "Yeah, that doesn't surprise
me," replied the patron.  He eats everything in sight, the little
bastard.  I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."  He finishes his
drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with
him.  He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the
bar again.  While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds
a maraschino cherry on the bar.  He grabs it, sticks it up his ass,
pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.  "Did you see what your monkey did
now?", he asks. "Now what?", responds the patron.  "Well, he stuck
a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!"
says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron.  "He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball
he measures everything first!"
%
We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
Manual.
		-- Andrew Hume
%
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time
to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for
his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him
down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina,
snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head,
and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll
blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak
Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and
translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in
Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the
cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare
shoot me.'"
%
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you  
%
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill.  Check 3
friends.  If they're OK, you're it.
%
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 
%
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. 
%
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where
you live.
%
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
%
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says: "We have a
drink named after you."

The grasshopper replies: "You have a drink named Bill?"
%
* WARNING: Very offensive; read at your own risk!

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.
%
A Boston woman, unable to bear the indifference of her baseball-crazy
husband any longer, yelled at him:

"You love the Red Sox more than you love me!"

He turned around and replied "I love the Yankees more than I love
you!"
%
* Potentially offensive.

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. 
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his 
poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his 
migraines and STILL no improvement. 

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm 
going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, 
but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a 
migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. 
Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, 
especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of 
the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, 
I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is 
immediately gone.  Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six 
weeks." 

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took 
your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 
years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," 
says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." 

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."
%
Chemicals, n.:
        Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
%
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "where's the bartender?"
%
- Darling, tell me, is that true, that sheep are stupid?
- Yes, they are, my little lamb
%
A panda sauntered into the saloon, sat down at the bar and told the
bartender "Give me a sandwich and a beer."

The bartender had seen many strange characters out west, and knew it
was important to keep his cool, so he replied, "Sure, stranger," and
slapped a ham sandwich and a cold one in front of the bear.

The panda chomped on the sandwich and gulped down the beer.  He then
deftly pulled his six-shooter, aimed at a whiskey bottle behind the
counter, and pulled the trigger. The bottle exploded into glass pieces
and shattered onto the floor.  The bartender was dumfounded as he
watched the bear return his gun to his holster and walk out the front
door.

"Hey, what the hell is going on?" shouted the bartender as he ran
after the bear. The panda stopped and said, "what did you want??

"Well, I sure didn't expect you to shoot up the bar. Besides, you
still owe me for lunch."

"I'm a PANDA. Look it up." replied the bear and went on his way.

The bartender was too upset and nervous to rile such an unpredictable
sort, so he picked up his unabridged dictionary from the shelf, and
found the entry for "panda."

"Damn!!!" he muttered. He realized that there was nothing he could do
about it.  There it was, in black and white, written by an authority
no less than Noah Webster himself:
 
  pan-da -- n. A large bear-like member of the
  Raccoon family native to the mountains of China and
  Tibet, with distinctive white and black markings.
  Eats shoots and leaves."
%
It was his first time at skydiving class, and the young man was
thrilled.

"What you have to do," said the instructor, "is jump, count to ten,
then pull the ripcord."

The young man was so excited that he really wasn't paying too close
attention.  He turned to the instructor and said, " P-p-p-p-pardon
m-m-m-me, wh-wh-wh-wh-what w-w-w-was th-th-th-th-that n-n-n-n-number
ag-ag-agin?"

"Two" the instructor replied.
%
     Conducting a study of sexual behaviour, a researcher stops an
airline pilot. "Can you tell me when you last made love?" she asks.
"Nineteen fifty-nine," he answers. Having heard a lot about the reputation
of airline pilots, the researcher is taken aback.
     "That's an awfully long time!" she says. 
     "I suppose," says the pilot, glancing at his watch. "But it's only
twenty-one fifteen now."
%
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
%
Father Pat and Father Mike were riding down the highway with Father
Pat at the wheel.  Father Pat had the pedal to the metal when suddenly
a rabbit jumped up onto the highway right in front of the car.

Though he did everything he could to miss the little bunny, including
throwing the car into a spinning locked brakes slide (and almost
tipping the car over with this maneuver), it was to no avail; the
bunny bought the big one. Both priests jumped out of the car, ran back
to the rabbit to see if there was anything that could be done, but
alas, it appeared that the rabbit was gone.

Never wanting to give up so long as there was a ghost of a chance,
Father Pat pulled a bottle out of his pocket and, making the sign of
the cross, sprinkled a few drops of liquid on the still body of the
rabbit.  Instantly it jumped up and started waving its little front
paws like crazy.

Father Mike looked at Father Pat and said, "It is a miracle!" The
rabbit stood there and continued to wave at them. Since it appeared
that nothing else was needed, the two priests returned to the car and
Father Pat continued down the road. Father Mike kept looking out the
back window and for as long as he could see the rabbit, it was still
standing there, waving at them.

When the rabbit was out of sight, Father Mike sat back and considered
the sequence of events. Finally his curiousity got the best of him and
he said, "Father Pat, just exactly what was in that bottle?"

In response, Father Pat pulled the bottle out of his pocket once more
and handed it to Father Mike, who read the label: "Hair Restorer with
Permanent Wave!"
%
An immigrant from Czechoslovakia went to an optometrist for an eye
checkup.

The doctor started with some simple testing, showing him a standard
eye chart with the letters: CRKBNWXSKZY

The doc then asked, "Can you read that?"

The Czech then answered, "Read it? Hell, Doc, I know him!"
%
Ten year old Stevie had been blind since birth. One night his mother came
into his bedroom before he went to sleep and told him that he must pray
very, very hard because tomorrow was a special day and he would get a
wonderful surprise.

So Stevie fell asleep praying with confidence that he would be able to see
the next day. His mother awoke Stevie early and told him to open his eyes,
as this was that special day she had promised him. Stevie tried, but then
cried out, "Mommie, Mommie, I still can't see!". "I know dear," she said,
"Today is April Fool's."
%
Last night an airliner crashed into a cemetary about 40 miles outside 
of Warsaw. So far, rescue workers have recovered over 4000 bodies.
%
The doctor was explaining to Paddy how nature adjusted some physical
disabilities. "For example, if a man is blind he develops a keen sense
of hearing and touch. If he is stone deaf, then he develops his other
senses....."

"Oi know what you mean," said Paddy. "Oive noticed that if a bloke has
one short leg, then the other one is always a bit longer."
%
  A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if
he could buy him a drink.
  "Why of course", comes the reply.
  The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
  "I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.
  The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too!
Let's have another round to Ireland."
  "Of Course", replies the second man.
  Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
  "Dublin", comes the reply.
  "I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too!
Let's have another drink to Dublin."
  "Of course", replies the second man.
  Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did
you go to?"
  "Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
  "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint
Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
  About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the
bar.
  "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.
  "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are
drunk again."
%
A man once counselled his son that if he wanted to live a long life,
the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every
morning.  The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grand-children, 35 great-grand
children, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
%
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my
secretary has left.  Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive.   He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine.  "I just need one copy."
%
* warning: Rather politically incorrect

A handicapped Vietnam Veteran is limping down the street dragging his
right foot along behind him. He looks up and sees another guy about his
age walking toward him. This guy is also dragging his right foot along
behind him. Another disabled Joe! The 'Nam Vet walks up to shake his
hand,grabs him by the hand and says "Mekong Delta-1969." The other guy
looks him square in the face and says: "Dog Shit-five minutes ago."
%
* warning: somewhat offensive (religious and ethnic).

Three guys are in a quiet bar.  Bartender is bored so he offers free
drinks to the one who best describes Easter.
 
 The Polish guy says, "Easter is when a big fat guy in a red suit
comes down the chimney and leaves presents for everone."

"No", says the bartender, "that is Christmas".

The German says, "Easter is when the family gets together and eats
turkey and pumpkin pie and everyone is thankful for everything". 
 "No, that is Thanksgiving", says the bartender. 

The Norwegian says, "Easter is about a real good guy that is put on a
cross and dies.  He is taken off and put in a cave and a big stone is
put in front to seal it".

  "I don't believe it, the norwegian is telling the best description
of Easter," says the barkeeper.  Then the Norwegian continues,  "Three
days later, the rock  rolls away and lo and behold, he walks out.  

Then he sees his shadow and you have 6 more weeks of winter."
%
Eastern Airlines recently introduced a special half fare for wives who
accompanied their husbands on business trips.  Expecting valuable
testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of
businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed
their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
%
"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set
the man's broken leg.  "Well, doc, 25 years ago, ..." the man started.

"Never mind the past.  Tell me how you broke your leg this morning," the
doctor replied.  The man began again, "Like I was saying, 25 years ago,
when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd
gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room.  She
asked me if there was anything I wanted.  I said, 'No, everything is
fine.'  'Are you sure?' she asked.  I told her I was sure.  'Isn't there
anything I can do for you?' she wanted to know.  'I reckon not,' I
replied."

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "but what does this story have to do with
your leg?"  The farmhand explained, "Well, this morning, when it finally
dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
%
"Doctor, I think I need a pair of spectacles". 
"I think so to, madame. At this moment your are standing in a bar!"
%
John:"Doctor, are carrots healthy?"
Doctor:"I suppose they are.  Never seen one at my consulting hour!"
%
A married woman is having an affair.  Whenever her lover comes over,
she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet.  One day the woman hears
a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man
replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist
continues. "OK.  How much?" the man replies after considering the
position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to
protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she
hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet
with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts
off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK.  How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his
disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is
completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son.  Go get your
ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't.  I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear
the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!  That's thievery!  I'm taking you to the
church right now.  You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,"
the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the
curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in here now," the priest says.
%
* Warning: not very correct politically

A man and a woman are alone (together)  in an elevator going to the
top of a very tall building. As they almost reach the very top, the
elevator cable snaps! 

While plunging to their death, the woman faces the man, takes off her
glasses, lets down her long flowing hair,  and says:

"Before I die, I want you to make me feel like a woman".

The man then grabs his shirt, rips it off,  throws it on the ground,
points to it and says:

"Okay, iron that!"
%
In the 1970's, there was a time that very ofen planes would be
hijacked from Miami to Cuba.

In a flight from Miami to LA, a man armed with a gun comes into the
cockpit and says: "OK.  I'm hijacking this plane.  Take me to LA".

The pilot says: "Are you crazy?? this IS a flight to LA!".

The man answers: "You're telling me?  I've flown to LA three times
already and landed in Cuba.  So NOW you fly to LA!!!"
%
* Warning: politically incorrect

A Texas game warden came upon a coyote caught in a trap.  He returned to
his office and called the Oklahoma game warden and told him one of his
coyotes was caught in a trap.

"How do you know it's one of our coyotes?" asked the Oklahoma game
warden.

"Well," replied the Texas game warden,  "He's already chewed off three
of his legs and he's still trapped!"
%
        A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it is a real bad 
one. Both cars are totally demolished, but  amazingly  neither of the 
clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the 
priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I am a rabbi. Just take a 
look at our cars, there is nothing left and we are unhurt. This must be a 
sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends for 
the rest of our lives."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from 
God!"
The rabbi continues, "And look at this, yet another miracle, our cars are 
demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not even break. Surely 
God wants us to drink this bottle and celebrate our luck and new 
friendship" and he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees and 
takes a few big swigs and hands the bottle back to rabbi. The rabbi takes 
the bottle and immediately puts the cap on and hands it back to the 
priest. Surprised, the priest asks; "Aren't you having any?" Then the 
rabbi replies, "No....I think I'll wait for the police."
%
        A teacher was telling a friend about one of her students.  
"He cheats, he lies, he steals, he hits, and to make it even worse, 
he's the only kid in the class with a perfect attendance record!"
%
Harold wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling amorous, nudges his
wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have
an appointment at the gynocologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to
make love the night before." "Alright", he said, and he rolled back over
and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by
any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?" 
%
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.
%
Visiting the carnival midway, Doug noticed the fortune-teller's tent
and popped inside.  The room was done in a somber purples, with a dull
white glow coming from an ancient crystal ball.  An old gypsy woman
was bent over the orb, and she looked up when Doug entered.

"Hi," he said in response to her stony gaze. "I'd like my fortune
told."

Nodding the woman said gravely, "I will answer two of your questions
for one hundred dollars."

"One hundred dollars!" Doug balked. "Isn't that terribly expensive for
this kind of service?"

"Yes it is," she replied, "And what is your second question?"
%
A patrol car has been following this vehicle for about 30 minutes
now,when they finally decide to pull it over.  The officer steps
outand walks up to the driver's window.

- "Good afternoon sir"

- "Good afternoon, any problems ?"

- "No sir.  My partner and I have been following and observing you for
a half an hour now.  We ascertained that you have not committed one
single traffic violation, you have not gone over the speed limit by
even 1 mph, you were courteous towards the fellow drivers on the road.
Therefore, as a part of our new "solid driving awareness program" I
would like to present you with this check for $30,000.00."

 The driver lets out a big sigh of relief:

- "Oh good !  Now I can finally pay to get my driver's license.
(Ooops!)"  Awkward silence, then the wife sitting in the passenger
seat goes:

- "Don't listen to him, officer, he always talks nonsense when he has
been drinking." Grandma who's a little hard of hearing adds from the
backseat:

- "Aye aye aye, didn't I tell you not to go in a stolen car ? " 

At this time the trunk pops open and a head peeks out:

- "Are we over the border yet ?"
%
* Warning: needs C knowledge; sometimes offensive; 

For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very
little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
 
I have solved the mystery.
 
The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the
rest of it is comments.
 
Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as
follows:
 
===
/* HUMAN_DNA.H
 *
 * Human Genome
 * Version 2.1
 *
 * (C) God
 */
 
/* Revision history:
 *
 * 0000-00-01 00:00  1.0  Adam.
 * 0000-00-02 10:00  1.1  Eve.
 * 0000-00-03 02:11  1.2  Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
 *                        will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
 * 0017-03-12 03:14  1.3  Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
 *                        elephant-dna.c
 * 0145-10-03 16:33  1.4  Removed tail.
 * 1115-00-31 17:20  1.5  Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
 * 2091-08-20 13:56  1.6  Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
 * 2501-04-09 14:04  1.7  Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
 *                        darker to match my own image.
 * 2909-07-12 02:21  1.8  Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
 *                        Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
 * 4501-12-31 14:18  1.9  Increase average height.
 * 5533-02-12 17:09  2.0  Added gay option, triggered by high population
 *                        density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
 * 6004-11-04 16:11  2.1  Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
 *                        CD.
 */
 
/* Standard definitions
 */
 
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
 
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
 *
 * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
 * inheritance features.
 */
 
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
 
#infndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif
 
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
 */
#include <sex.h>
  
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
 * library sometime soon.
 */
struct genitals
   {
#ifdef MALE
   Penis *jt;
#endif
   /* G_spot *g;   Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
   Vagina *p;
#endif
   }
 
/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
 * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
 */
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
 
/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
 *
 * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
 * to display at birth.
 *
 * Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
 */
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
%
This guy was a determined hunter, and his buddyes bought him a hunting
dog.  One especialy for hunting water-birds.  After a week they all
meet and they ask him how's the dog doing.  To which he says: 
- Either this dog is VERY stupid, or I'm not throwing it high enough!
%
A nerd came home from spending Friday night in the library.  He decided 
to take a short cut, thru a dark alley.  There were 3 BIG, thugs with 
knives, baseball bats tried to rob him.  He fought them off viguously.  

After half hour, he finally exhausted, and gave up.  One of the thugs
took his wallet, and suprisingly found only one dollar in his wallet.

"You fought all of us for a lousy dollar !!!",  a thug asked suprisingly.

"No, I didn't know you just want the money in my wallet.  I thought
you were after $100 dollar bill in my sock", breathing heavily
%
Insert nail here  -[ ]-  if you want a new monitor
%
The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll 
show you this frog in my pocket."

He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken 
sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, 
"That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch."
%
A prude once accosted Samuel Johnson shortly after publication of his
monumental dictionary of the English language. She said, "Dr. Johnson, I
am distressed that your dictionary contains so many vulgar words."
  Johnson replied, "Madam, I am immeasurably distressed that you
actually looked them up."
%
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
%     
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
%     
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
%
A Ph.D. student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking across campus
when they find an antique oil lamp.  They rub it and a genie comes out
in a puff of smoke.

The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each
of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the Ph.D. student.  "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a beautiful woman at my side."

The genie nods, and Poof!  The student is gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc.  "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with a beautiful woman on one side and a Mai Tai
on the other."

Poof! The post-doc is gone.

"You're next," the genie says to the professor.

The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."
%
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
%     
"Wink, I'll do the rest!"
%     
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
%     
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
%     
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
%     
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
%     
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
%     
"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."
%
The chairman of the club committee announced at their meeting, "We're
looking for a treasurer."

"But we appointed a treasurer at the last meeting last year," pointed
out one member.

"Yes," confirmed the chairman, adding, "that's the treasurer we're
looking for."
%
"Brace yourself, Mr. Cassidy," the physician told the patient on whom
he had performed a battery of costly tests. "You have approximately
six months to live."

"But I don't have insurance, doctor," said Cassidy, "and I can't skimp 
and save enough to pay you in that time!"

"All right, all right," soothed the medical man. "Let's say nine months, 
then." 
%
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? 
His drill slipped. 
%
Warning: talks about sex

Two young men were friends and got married with their girlfriends
at about the same time, so they decided to go on a honeymoon
together all 4 of them.

They went to a hotel and asked for adjacent rooms.
At the wedding night they had quite wild sex, hearing each others
moans through the wall.

At the morning young husbands went to the balcony and talked
to each other.

'Where's your wife?'

'She's in the bed, smoking.'

'Smoking? Mine's only a bit sweaty...' 
%
A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets
ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in
a roiling sea. He loop-legs it through the door and is met by his wife,
who is scowling, figuring he's been out jumping new bones.
   "Where the hell you been all night?" she demands.
   "At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon.
Everything there is golden."
   "Bullshit! There's no such place!"
   Guy says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden
floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!"
   The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the ext day checks the
phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She
calls up the place to check her old man's story. "Is this the Golden
Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
   "Yes it is," bartender answers.
   "Do you have huge golden doors?"
   "Sure do."
   "Do you have golden floors?"
   "Most certainly do."
   "What about golden urinals?"
   There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your
saxophone last night!"
%
NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending to
Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a
one way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth. 
   The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he
wanted to be paid for going. 
   "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate
it all to my alma mater--Rice University." 
   The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the
same question.
   "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to
my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical
research." 
   The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted,
he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." 
   "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.  
   The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one
million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer." 
%
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking
up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction
and speed. Driving his partner nuts.
   Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so
long? Hit the goddamn ball!"
   The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot."
   "Well, hell, man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of
hitting her from here!"
%
Waiter:	"Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
	(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"
%
Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.

One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like.

Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, "Gee,
I hate my mother-in-law." The 2nd replies, "So, try the potatoes.
%
* Warning: politically incorrect:

        During World War II, a society lady who lived on Philadelphia's
exclusive Main Line decided to be charitable and support the war effort
by inviting three soldiers to Thanksgiving dinner.  She called the
nearby army base and was connected with a sergeant.  He heard the lady's
invitation and said he'd be glad to send three soldiers.  Then the lady
added, "Sergeant, I don't want any of them to be Jews."
        "I understand, Madame," said the sergeant.
        So on Thanksgiving, there stood on the doorstep of the fine Main
Line house three immaculately uniformed soldiers, all of them black.
"We're here for Thanksgiving, Madame," said one, politely.
        The lady was astonished.  "But, but....," she sputtered, "the
sergeant must have made a mistake."
        "Oh, no, Madame," said the soldier, "Sergeant Goldberg never
makes a mistake."
%
Eighty years after Little Big Horn, an East Coast journalist began
research on George Armstrong Custer.  A friend told him that an Indian
that lived through that experience was still living and furthermore
remembered EVERY event of his long life.

   The journalist visited Chief Big Eagle, who now lived in a small
town in Pennsylvania.  When he arrived and stated his purpose, the
Chief agreed to answer his questions.

   "On what day of the week did the event take place?" the reporter
asked.

   "Wednesday," replied the chief.

   "What was Custer wearing?" 

   "Black uniform.. ceremony sword.. old hat" 

   "What did Custer eat for breakfast?" 

   "Eggs" 

   The journalist was skeptical and figured anyone could make up these
answers.  He left, and never published his article. 

   Ten years later, the journalist was driving through the same small
town.  He decided to see if the old chief was still living. To his
surprise, the chief was.

   As the journalist walked in, he raised his hand in the air to the
chief and said, "How!" 

   The chief replied, "Over easy, potatoes on the side." 
%
Customer asks the cook, "Say, how do you prepare your chickens?"
   Cooks answers, "Nothing special. We just tell 'em they're gonna die."
%
Woman rushes into his house one morning and yells to her husband,
"Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!" 
   "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" 
   "Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!" 
%
Why do computer programmers often confuse Halloween and Christmass?

Because oct31 = dec25  :)
%
   Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers

Illiterate?  Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service.  Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Stock up and save.  Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it carefully by
hand.
%
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with
the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead
and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate
him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house
and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into
the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died
of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and
asks the guy,
   "Did you hear that Fluffy died?".
The guy stumbles around and says,
   "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?".
The neighbor replies,
   "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing
is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone
had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.
There must be some real sick people out there!"
%
	Classified adds:

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.  Zap
does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Used Cars:  Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale.  Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted:  Hair cutter.  Excellent growth potential.

Our bikinis are exciting.  They are simply the tops.

Wanted.  Widower with school age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties.  Must be capable of contributing to
growth of family.
%
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.  The individual who
answered said, "Bob is on vacation.  Would you like to hold?"
%
* Warning: lacking decency

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
-How the hell are you supposed to feed youself with that!?
%
* Warning: somewhat ethnic

English to Polish: So, what are you doing in the UK?
-Answer: I came to polish my english.
-But your english is polish enough.
%
An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found a guide with
a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would
make his collections.  At noon on the second day of travel up the
river they began to hear drums.

"What are those drums?" asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in
cannibal country.

The guide turned to him and said "No worry.  Drums OK, but very bad
when they stop."

They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped.  The
guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears.

"Do as I do!  Very important!"intoned the guide with great
urgency.

"Why?  What does this mean?" asked the panicked anthropologist.

"Drums stop!  Next come guitar solo!"
%
"Just the same," snapped Noah's wife as she boarded the ark,
"I'd feel much safer is those termites were locked up in a
tin box!"
%
	At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from
Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
%
"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire." 
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration." 
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas." 
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative
or negative." 
"For dog bite: Put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it." 
%

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
%

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
%
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice??

It said "concentrate."
%
I could tell that my parents hated me.  My bath toys were a toaster 
and a radio.
%
Bill rents a flat in Ponsonby.  When he goes to the foyer to put his
name on his letter box, an attractive young woman comes out of the
flat next to the letter boxes.  All she is wearing is a robe.
Bill smiles at the woman and she strikes up a conversation with him.
As they talk, her robe slips open and it is quite obvious that she
has nothing on under the robe.  Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat
trying to maintain eye contact.  After a few minutes, she places her
hand on his arm and says, "Let's go to my flat, I hear someone
coming."

He follows her into the flat and after she closes the door, she leans
against it allowing her robe to fall completely open.  She purrs at
him, "What would you say is my best feature?".

The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several
times and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!" She's
astounded!  "Why my ears?  Look at these boobs!  They are full, don't
sag, and they're all mine!  My butt - it's firm doesn't sag and has no
cellulite!  Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars!  Why in
heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?".

Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers - "Outside when you said
you heard someone coming - that was me!!!".
%
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.  I told him "If you don't
mind I'd like a second opinion".  He said "Alright, you're ugly too!"
%
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. 

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a
glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could
squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. 

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.)
but nobody could do it. 

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to
try the bet." 

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a
lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled
remains of the rind to the little man. 

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched
his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. 

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the
little man," what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a
weightlifter, or what?" 

The man replied, "I work for the IRS." 
%
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the 
local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames
and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. 
After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical
company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our 
secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the
plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company 
that brings them out safely!"

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen 
their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire,

the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine 
company that could bring out the company's secret files. 

From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck 
came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed 
entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire 
engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight 
into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen
watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight 
the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had 
extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would 
double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to
personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the 
old men individually the president asked the group
what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver 
looked him right in the eye and said, "The first
thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"
%
The traveling salesman's car broke down in the country and he knocked on
the farm house door..

When the farmer opened the door, the salesman said, "Sir, my car has
broken down and I was wondering if you might be able to put me up for
the night..."

The farmer said, "Why, sure, but you will have to sleep with my son."

The salesman hesitated then said, "Excuse me, Sir, but I think I'm in
the wrong joke..."
%
This was taken from MIT's Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991:

"Text is useless.  I use it to kill roaches in my room."

"Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."

"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."

"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame"

"Problems sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam
material."

"Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was,
where I was, and what I was doing--It's a great stress reliever."

"He is one of the best teachers I have had...He is well-organized,
presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject.  I hope
my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."

"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels.
They've got a cool nest in the tree."

"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."

"TA steadily improved throughout the course...I think he started
drinking and it really loosened him up."

"I never bought the text.  My $60 was better spent on the Led
Zeppelin tapes that I used while doing the problem sets"

"What's the quality of the text?  'Text is printed on high quality
paper.'

"The course was very thorough.  What wasn't covered in class
was  covered on the final exam."
%
When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy,
guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and
daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got
undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your
father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've
just told me."

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm
leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you."

"But why--" asked the startled father.

"Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy
came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got
into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you
did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."
%
* Warning: politically incorrect.

Q:  Why did they send the first woman into space?
A:  She was 100 pounds lighter than the electric dishwasher!
%
A man comes into an auto parts store.
"I'd like a mirror for my Skoda," he tells the clerk.
"Sounds like a fair swap to me..."
--
Why does the Skoda have a rear window defroster?  So that your hands
don't freeze when you're pushing it!  
%
A guy comes home to his apartment looking like he'd been chewed up by
a coyote and shit off a cliff. When his wife sees him, she asks, "What
on earth happened to you?"
   "I got into a fight with the apartment manager."
   "Whatever for?"
   "He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
   "Hmmm. I bet it's that snotty bitch on the third floor."
%
Q: How are men and parking lots alike?
A: The good ones are taken and the ones left are handicapped.

Q: Why do men like love at first sight?
A: It saves them alot of time.

Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A: Thirty-five kilogram.
%
Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print
the name Craney incorrectly.
		-- Jim Canrey
%
Or as Joan of Arc is rumored to have said, at the stake,"I'm smoking more
but enjoying it less."
%
"Doc, is it a boy?"
	'Well, the one in the middle is. Next.'
%
"Doc, am I going to die?"
	'That's the last thing you're going to do, Next'
%
"Doc, nobody ever listens to me."
	"Next"
%
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
	When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
	easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
	have handled this?"
%
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies
fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo.

The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming
through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under
the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through
the bedroom door.

"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.

"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to
receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.

"Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and
I'll be with you in two shakes."

Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where
he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.

"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.

"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in
to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.

"But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and
said, "The little bastards!"
%
"The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session
when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players
gaped, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

They stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran
right thru' the defensive line!

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted : "You're
terrific! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a
huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," the turkey said. "All I want to know is, does the
season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
%
Fighter : 'I really want a shot at the Kid, Kid Jackson. I know I'm
getting old and little punchy, but before I retire I just want one
chance in the ring with him."

Manager : "Look, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times.
You're Kid Jackson."
%
 "What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
 "Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at
home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
 "Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
 "No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get
in before nine A.M.?"
 "Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get
out."
%
Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
interface circuit details.  The two models, however, are not compatible
on the same communications line connection.
		-- Bell System Technical Reference
%
* Warning:  don't read if sensible!

Walking down the street with a hatbox under his arm, John was stopped
by a friend of his.  "John! What have you got there, a present for
your wife?" said the friend.
"No," John answered and opened the box. Inside was a woman's head
nestled inside a large straw hat with plastic flowers and a green and
pink hatband.
"Christ," the friend exclaimed, "that's horrible."
John said, "I'know, that is exactly what I told her when she said she
paid two hundred dollars for it."
%
Clay's conclusion:
	Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
%
clone, n:
	1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
	product."  2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
	is a clone of our product."
%
Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
	The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
	than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
	bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
%
An old couple were watching television one evening. 

The wife said "I am going to get a dish of ice cream". 

The husband said "I will get you some ice cream". 

"I'll write it down so you don't forget" she said. 

"I won't forget" he said.

"But I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it so I'll write it down" she said. 

"I will get you the ice cream don't you worry"he said. 

A few minutes later he returned with bacon and eggs and she said

"I should have written it down because you forgot the toast".
%
"It was terrible mother" complained the curvy teenager. "I had to
change my seat four times at the movies."
"Some man start bothering you?" asked the mother.
"Yes," said the girl. "Finally."
%
This is sent to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to
remind non-skiers why they do not ski.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer
for half an hour.  Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

9.  Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in
your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles.
Pretend you are looking for your car.

8.  For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes
and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

7.  Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

6.  Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger.  Be
sure to wait in he longest line.

5.  Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a
motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

4.  Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a
snowstormand you're following an 18 wheeler.

3.  Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray
blast your face.  You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a
snowmaker!

2.  Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take
them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

1.  Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.
%
One of the world's most brilliant salesmen managed to sell a fridge to
an Eskimo.

Some months later he called round to ask how the Eskimo was getting on
with his new purchase.

"It's OK," said the Eskimo.  "But I haven't quite got the knack of
chopping up the ice into little squares to fit the tray."
%
What they say:                  What they mean:

New                             Different colors from previous
				version.
All New                         Not compatible with previous version.
Exclusive                       Nobody else has documentation.
Unmatched                       Almost as good as the competition.
Design Simplicity               The company wouldn't give us any
				money.
Fool-proof Operation            All parameters are hard-coded.
Advanced Design                 Nobody really understands it.
Here At Last                    Didn't get it done on time.
Field Tested                    We don't have any simulators.
Years of Development            Finally got one to work.
Unprecedented Performance       Nothing ever ran this slow before.
Revolutionary                   Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
Futuristic                      Only runs on a next generation
				supercomputer.
No Maintenance                  Impossible to fix.
Performance Proven              Worked through Beta test.
Meets Tough Quality Standards   It compiles without errors.
Satisfaction Guaranteed         We'll send you another pack if it
				fails.
Stock Item                      We shipped it before and can do it
				again.
%
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are going
to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything
about you."

The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," said the psychic, "Next term--in her biology class."
%
A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little Johnny
answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.  The salesman says,

"Little boy, is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the
carpet and says, "What the hell do you think?"
%
A rancher bought a humongous new bull and unloaded it on the range. 
In the herd, there were already three bulls--one fairly large, one 
medium size, and one small. The fairly large bull had been servicing 
half the heifers, the medium-size bull took care of a third of them, and 
the little bull had the rest. 
   When the three bulls saw the new bull, who was bigger than all three 
put together, the large bull said to the new one, "You can have as many 
of my cows as you want. I'm too old for any hassle." 
   The medium-size bull said the same. 
   The small bull puts his head down and starts snorting and clawing the 
ground with his hoofs. 
   The other two bulls look at him and say, "What the hell are you 
doing? He'll kill you."
   The little bull says, "Hell, he can have the cows. I just want to 
make damn sure he knows I'm a bull." 
%
Two men are occupying booths in a public restroom, when one calls to the
other, 

"There is no toilet paper over here--do you have any over there?" 

The second man replies, "No, sorry, I don't seem to have any, either." 

The first man then asks, "Well, do you have a magazine or newspaper?" 

The second man says, "No, sorry!" 

The first man pauses, then inquires, "Do you have change for a twenty?" 
%
It seems that a young man volunterred for military 
service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude 
for aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping 
boot camp. 

The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best 
flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold 
wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in 
the Pacific. 

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot 
down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 
9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. 

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled 
the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. 
He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the 
captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on 
my very first day?" 

The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one 
velly impoltant mistake!"
%
        A kangaroo yanked her young one out of her pouch and gave it a
healthy smack on the backside.  "I'll teach you," she declared, "to eat
crackers in bed!"
%
"Would you like fried or boiled eggs, sir ?"

To which came the usual American verbosity,

"I'd like two eggs sunny side up, one with the yolk broken and dripping
onto the toast which should be burnt on one side and slightly brown on
the other with one corner made soggy by the baked beans which in turn
should be heated in a microwave so that they are hot on the outside and
cold inside."

The waiter, despite being used to the odd American guest, replied "I'm
sorry, sir, but I don't think that's possible"

The American was genuinely surprised.

"Why not, that's exactly what you gave me yesterday." 
%
        There was a patient in a bodycast in the hospital.  The fellow
in the bed next to him asked, "What do you do for a living?"
        The patient said, "I was a window washer at the Empire State
Building."
        "When did you quit?"
        "Halfway down!"
%
Top Ten Words of wisdom of John Major, ex prime minister of Great Britain.

10. "I'm drawing a line under the sand."
 
9. "When your back is against the wall its time to turn around and start
 fighting."
 
8. "A bogus sham !"
 
7. "Sustainable growth is growth that is sustainable."
 
6. "There is always a choice of whether one does it last week, this week,
 or next week."
 
5. "The world has gone through tremendous change recently; both nationally
 and internationally."
 
4. "I will turn directly to the Asylum Bill.. later."
 
3. "The IRA have been isolated in the eyes of the world, and many other
 people."
 
2. "U.N. goodwill may be a bottomless pit, but it is by no means
 limitless."
 
1. "We are not wholly an island, except geographically."
%
A saving Scotsman in the dark:"My love, will you please cough again. 
So I can find the bed."
%
        Just before a drafted farm boy made his first parachute jump,
his sergeant reminded him, "Count to ten and pull the first rip cord.
If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for the auxiliary chute.  After
you land, our truck will pick you up."
        The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped.  He counted to
ten, and pulled the first cord.  Nothing happened.  He pulled the 
second cord.  Again, nothing happened.   As he careened crazily 
earthward, he said to himself:  "Now I'll bet that truck won't be 
there either!"
%
        "I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss.   "There are
three other companies after me."
        "Is that so?" asked the manager.  "What other companies are
after you?"
        "The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas
company."
%
        A young fellow with long-hair was trying to enter a swim 
club.  However, he was stopped by the owner who tried to explain 
that for health reasons long-haired people were prohibited from 
using the pool.
        "Get a haircut, and you're welcome to swim in the pool,"
suggested the owner.
        "Some of history's greatest men had long hair," said the 
young man.
        "Those are the rules," hammered back the owner.
        "Moses had long hair."
        "Moses can't swim in our pool either."
%
A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
who swore how much they were in love.  To quiet the enraged husband, the
lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy.  If I win,
you get a divorce so I can marry her.  If you win, I promise never to see
her again.  Okay?"
	"Alright," agreed the husband.  "But how about a quarter a point
on the side to make it interesting?"
%
A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
%
As in certain cults it is possible to
kill a process if you know its true name.
		-- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
%
As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
%
 A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an
exclusive jewelry store.  "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you
don't want any trouble either.  What do you say I just buy the watch
and we forget about this?"

    The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.  The crook looked
at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend.
Can you show me something less expensive?"
%
A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. 
After  an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her 
and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you 
while?" 

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I
won't sleep with you tonight!"  Everyone in the bar is now staring at
them.  Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and
he slinks back to his table.  After a few minutes, the woman walks
over to him and apologizes.  She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if
I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and
I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."  To which
he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
%
Fr. McGillicudy couldn't get any money from his congregations, so
he took a course in hypnotism.

At Sunday Mass McGillicudy waved his little watch from the
pulpit, back and forth, back and forth.

He asked the congregation to put five bucks in the basket and
they all did.

He thought this was great.

The following Sunday he did the same thing only this time he
asked for ten bucks and they all put ten bucks in the basket.

He thought this was really turning into something.

So the next Sunday he was swinging his watch back and forth, back
and forth and he accidently dropped it.

"Oh shit", he said.
%
        In Dallas, a man stopped a pedestrian and asked, "What is 
the quickest way to the hospital?"

        The pedestrian replied, "Just say something bad about Texas."
%
President Lyndon B Johnson tells about a preacher back home who
dropped his notes one day as he was leaving for church, and his dog
jumped on them and tore them up. When the preacher stepped into the
pulpit, he apologised to his congregation: "I am very sorry that I
have no sermon today. I will just have to speak as the Lord directs.
But - I will try to do better next Sunday.
%
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into 
the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman 
liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that 
showed off a magnificent pair of breasts.

He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as 
possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no 
more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he 
knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the 
door. "Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing 
how beautiful your wife is." "Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor 
replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts
are.  I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss
those breasts."  The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when
his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss
the offer for a few moments.

Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.  "OK," the
husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's
tits."

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire
hang free at last.  Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to
rub his face against them in total ecstasy.  This goes on for several
minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.  "Well, come on already, kiss
'em!" he growls.

"I can't." replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars!"
%
"I don't want to worry you," the little boy said to his teacher, " but
last night my dad said that if I didn't get better grades on my next
report card, someone was going to get their butt kicked."
%
A  man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix
to Flagstaff.  He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains
just became to much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single
person to stop.  Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered
him a ride.
Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.  The owner of the
Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his
bumper.  He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he
got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would
slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles.  Suddenly, another
Corvette blew past them.  Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the
bike immediately took off after the other.  A short distance down the
road, the Corvettes, both going well over 90 mph, blew through a speed
trap.  The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and
radiod to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at
over 90 mph.  He then relayed,
 "And you're not going to believe this -- but there's this *really*
amazing guy  on a 10 speed bike honking to pass!!".
%
It was painfully evident to the indignant Mother that all was not
well with her attractive daughter.  To her pointed questions, the girl
tearfully admitted that motherhood was approaching, and that a close
friend of the family was responsible.

With fire in her eyes, the Mother drove over to the friend's house
and confronted him.  The man readily admitted his guilt.

"But I have a very good reason." the soon-to-be dad said. " I doubt
I'll ever get married, and wanted an heir to leave my fortune to.  If
your daughter presents me with a daughter, I'll give her $ 500,000.
If she bears me a son, I'll make it a million."

Hearing this our distraught Mother was silent for a while.Then,
finally, she gave her reply.

"Now see here," said the Mother, "That's totally unacceptable.  If
it's a miscarriage, will you at least give her another chance ?"
%
Two Irish men walked past a bar...it could happen.
%
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding
down Main Street.

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"  "Just be quiet,"
snapped the officer.  "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail
until the chief gets back."
 
"But, officer, I just wanted to say"

"And I said to keep quiet!  You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding.  He'll be
in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it,"said the fellow in the cell.
 
"Why not?" asked the officer. 
     
"Well, you see,officer, it just happens that I'm the groom."
%
        Two women were discussing the problems with their marriages 
over lunch one afternoon.  "I know one thing, for sure!" Gert said,  
"I'm going to get a divorce."
        "But why?" questioned Marge.
        "I saw that jerk, I call my husband, going into a movie with
another woman."
        "Did you know who she was?"
        "Never saw her before," exclaimed Gert.
        "Well, did you ever stop to consider whether there could be an
innocent explanation of it all?  How come you didn't follow them into
the theater and find out?" wondered Marge.
        "Well, you see, the fellow I was with had already seen the
picture."
%
     A Frenchman, an Italian and an Canadian were discussing
love-making.

 "Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the
Frenchman."  She was in sheer ectasy this morning..."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told
me she could never love another man."

   When the Canadian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And
how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

   "Once." he replied.

  "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say
to you this morning?"

  "Don't stop."
%
... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center.  When a
programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up.  That
behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
never when standing.

Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing?  Good debuggers, though,
know that there has to be a reason.  Electrical theories are the easiest to
hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static
electricity?  But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
the tops of two keys were switched.  When the programmer was seated he was a
touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
astray by hunting and pecking.
	-- from the Programming Pearls column,
	   by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
%
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came
across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on
the ticket showed that it was over 11 years old. They both laughed and
tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair
of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop ?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went
downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the
counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute.
I'll have to look for these."  He disappeared into a dark corner at
the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are !"

"No kidding ?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific ! Who would have
thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. 
"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.
%
- At a Sante Fe gas station: 
     "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
- In an New York restaurant: 
     "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see 
     the manager."
- On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaning store: 
     "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."
- On a movie theatre: 
     "Children's matinee today.  Adults not admitted unless with 
     child."
- In a Florida maternity ward: 
     "No children allowed!"
- In the office of a loan company: 
     "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
%
- In a New York medical building: 
     "Mental health prevention centre."
- In a toy department: 
     "Five Santa Clauses - no waiting."
- In a number of parking areas: 
     "Violators will be enforced and Trespassers will be violated."
- On a display of "I Love You Only" Valentine cards: 
     "Now available in multi-packs."
- In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: 
     "Don't kill your wife.  Let our washing machines do the 
     dirty work."
- On a window of a New Hampshire hamburger restaurant: 
     "Yes, we are open.  Sorry for the inconvenience."
- Outside a country shop: 
     "We buy junk and sell antiques."
- On a North Carolina highway: 
     "EAT, 300 FEET"
- On a New Hampshire highway: 
     "You are speeding when flashing."
%
- In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: 
     "Now serving live lobsters."
- On a movie marquee: 
     "Now Playing: Adam and Eve.  With a cast of thousands!"
- In the vestry of a New England church: 
     "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual 
     light is extinguished."
- In a Pennsylvania cemetery: 
     "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but 
     their own graves."
- On the grounds of a private school: 
     "No trespassing without permission."
- In a library: 
     "Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public
     stops taking it away.
- On a Tennessee highway: 
     "Take Notice:  When this sign is under water the road is 
     impassable."
- In downtown Boston: 
     "Calahan Tunnel/No. End."
- In a New Jersey restaurant: 
     "Open 11:00 AM to 11:00 PM Midnight."
%
        A bloke goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders
five pots.  The barman gives him an odd look since the bloke's all by
himself, but he serves up the five pots and lines them up on the bar.
The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four, Five.  He finishes the
last one and calls to the barman, "Four pots, please, mate!"
        The barman serves up four pots and lines them on the bar.  The
bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four.  Then he belches loudly,
sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pots.  And one after
the other, he knocks them back....One, Two, Three.
        "Two potsh, mate!"  he calls, and the barman places two pots in
front of him.  Down they go....One, Two.  As the bloke slams the last
one down on the bar, he says, "One pot, mate."  So the barman fills the
glass.
        The bloke sits there, staring at it for for a moment, trying to
focus.  Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh a funny
t'ing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get..."
%
* Warning: religious

Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death
and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one
among you who is without sin cast the first stone..."
        Right about then, a rock comes winging through the air and hits
Jesus upside the head.  He whirls around and shouts "Alright, Mom, c'mon!
I'm trying to make a point, here!"
%
A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman.  Imagine if on top
of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.
		-- Adolf Hitler
%
Tiring of the city life, a New York family bought a ranch out West where
they intended to raise cattle.  Friends visited and asked if the ranch
had a name.  "Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it
the Bar-J.  My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the
other wanted the Lazy-Y.  So we compromised and called it the
Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked.

"None of them survived the branding!"
%
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could
get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an
obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no
clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was
in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf
overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick,
packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one
would recognize him. Happily, he began to play he course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He
went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for
what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it
sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup four
hundred yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A
picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your
pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it -- whom can he tell?
%
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking
a golf course.  He drove by a car and saw a couple inside
with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's
seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back
seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. 

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man
looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading
this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer
then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does
it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about
twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."
%
Dan Quaile DID say that:

"The real question for 1988 is whether we're going to go forward 
to tomorrow or past to the--to the back!"

"We will invest in our people, quality education, job 
opportunity, family, neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call 
America."

"We'll let the sunshine come in and shine on us, because today 
we're happy and tomorrow we'll be even happier."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the 
world."

"This election is about who's going to be the next President of 
the United States!"

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

"The thing is if you control the Senate meetings, you control the
gavel.  And the gavel is a very important instrument...an 
instrument of power.  An instrument that establishes the agenda."

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind, or not to have a 
mind...how true that is."
%
          A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy,
oversized travel bag onto the plane.  Helped by a flight attendant, he
finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin.  "Do you always carry
such heavy luggage?" she sighed.

          "No more," the man said.  "Next time, I'm riding in the bag,
and my partner can buy the ticket!"
%
	A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West.  The
Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come."
	The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for
miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that.
	Replies the Indian, "Ear wet."
%
	"Hello, Police Department."
	"This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court.  I've just been
sexually molested by a pervert, right here in my own home.  It was
horrifying!"
	"Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
	"Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask.  I was
napping on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I
didn't hear anything.  Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand
over my mouth, holding me down.  I tried to scream... he was pulling
my pants off.  I was so frightened!  He held a knife to my throat and
undressed so quickly.  What could I do?  I couldn't stop him.  He was
huge.  A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty pounds heavier than
I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible.  He had an erection, and
he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my throat;
forced me to suck it.  Yes, officer!  There was no escaping this man.
Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me
over on my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so
embarrassed to say it, he put that huge thing...  It must have been a
foot long, and I don't know how thick... into my...  Just a minute."
	"What's the matter, mister?"
	"Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."

%
	A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
for a living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do
all day?"
	Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
	"That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"
	Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
mailman."
	"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father, Billy?"
	Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
	The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.  Billy's father
answered the door.  The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
an explanation.
	Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney.  But how do
you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"
%
The two cockroaches were munching delicacies on top of a garbage pile,
when one of them began telling of some new tenants in a nearby
apartment house. "I hear," said the reporting cockroach, "that their
refrigerator is spotless, their floors gleaming, and there is not a
speck of dust in the whole place."

"Please, please," said the other cockroach, "not while I'm eating."
%
Q:  Why should you never run over an <ethnic minority of your choice>
riding a bicycle?

A:  It could be your bicycle.
%
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism
to live beyond its income.
		-- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
%
A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge 
looked down at the man and then at the charges and then 
down at the little man in amazement. "Can you tell me in 
your own words what happened?" asked the judge.

"I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof." said the 
man.

"Yes go on." said the astounded judge.

"Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and 
went to take them out. They told me my library card had 
expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the 
registration office and got in another line. And filled out my 
forms for another card. And got back in line for my card."

"Yes go on." said the judge.

"And he asked 'Can you prove you`re from New York City?' 
So I stabbed him.
%
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his
Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went
in to ask for an immediate loan of $ 5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral.
"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce,"
the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car
driven into the bank's underground parking garage for
safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later,
the man walked through the bank's doors, asked to settle
up his loan and get his car back.
"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in
interest," the loan officer said.  The man wrote out a
check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone,
I found out you are a multi-millionaire.  Why in the world
would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled.  "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce
in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
%
If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
you use?
%
A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
D is for dd, the command that does all.
E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
G is for grep, a clever detective, while
H is for halt, which may seem defective.
I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
J is for join, which nobody uses.
K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
M is for more, from which less was begot, and
N is for nice, which it really is not.
O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
T is for true, which does very little.
U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
	-- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
%
warning: read it at your own risk!

Q. How do you know when he's got a high sperm count?
A. When you have to chew before you swallow!!!
%
* Warning: a bit crude

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is
leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and 
says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good 
in your life but, you never did anything bad either.  Tell you what, if 
you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're 
in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says,  "Yeah, there was this one time 
when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker 
Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl.  I slowed down my car to see what 
was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing 
this chick.  Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my 
trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with 
a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.  
As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle 
around me. 

So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head 
with the tire iron.  Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, 
'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone!  You're all a bunch of sick, 
deranged animals!

Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says "Really?  When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."
%
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I
have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could
converse with those people"
	  -Former U.S.  Vice-President Dan Quayle
%
Two network engineers were standing in the park.
One had a new bike.
The other said, "Nice bike. How much?"
The first said , "It was free."
The other asked, "Wow, how did you get it for free?"
The one with the bike said," Yesterday a beautiful girl rode up on
this bike, took off all her clothes and told me I could have anything
I wanted."
The other network engineer said, "Good move! Her clothes wouldn't have
fit you anyway!"
%
Perhaps the problems faced by all law-enforecers in striking balance
between the conflicting demands of liberalism and severity should be
left to a former Governor of New York State Al Smith, who spoke to the
inmates of Sing Sing prison only a short time after his election to
office.

It wasn't until he got to this feet that Smith realised he didn't know
how to address his audience. He started with
"My fellow citizens" , but quickly dropped that, remembering that
they'd forfeited their rights of citizenship when they were put behind
bars. Next came, "My fellow convicts," but that, too, presented
problems. With sounds of restlessness coming from the hall, Smith
ditched the customary greetings and launched into his speech with the
opening sentence , "Well, in any case -- I'm glad to see so many of
you here........"
%
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the
older girls starting to use lipstick.  When applying it in the
bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip
prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it.  He gathered
all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to
meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and
found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.

The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the
custodian to clean the mirror every night.  He said he felt the ladies
did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he
wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated.  He took a long brush on a handle out
of a box.  He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to
the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
%
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out
with the boys on Wednesday nites, and so does she.
%
/* Haley */

	(Haley's comment.)
%
Conscience doesn't really keep you from doing anything wrong --
it merely keeps you from enjoying it.
%
He:  "Am I the first man you ever had ?"
She: "Well, your face is familiar.."
%
A blonde driving down a Midwestern highway spots another blonde in a
kayak trying to paddle across the top of a wheat field. She got out of
her car and calls out to the "kayak" blonde and says, "It's blondes
like you, that give blondes like me a bad name! I'd go over there and
kick your butt, if I could swim!",
%
        An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a
check-up.  He said, "I feel terrible.  Please examine me and tell me
what's wrong with me."
        "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you
drink much?"
        "Alcohol?" said the man.  "I'm a teetotaler.  Never touch a
drop."
        "How about smoking?" asked the doctor.
        "Never," replied the man.  "Tobacco is bad and I have strong
principles against it."
        "Well, uh," asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"
        "Oh, no," said the man.  "Sex is sin.  I'm in bed by 10:30 every
night....always have been."
        The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do
you have pains in your head?"
        "Yes," said the man.  "I have terrible pains in my head."
        "O.K.," said the doctor.  "That's your trouble.  Your halo is on
too tight."
%
A fellow asks his boss, "Say Boss, my wife wants me to clean out the 
basement tomorrow. Can I have the day off?". 

"NO" the boss answers.

"Thanks Boss, I knew you'd come through"
%
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he
hears some music.  No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
 He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a
headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.  Then he realizes
that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! 
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.  This
time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being
played backward.  Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.  When
they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.
 The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse
order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the
grave.  They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played
backward.  Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. 
Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. 
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.  "He's decomposing!"
%
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the
cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for
an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone
was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is
still going around passing out business cards."
%
Stupid signs:

- On a cardboard windshield sun shade:
        "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place."
- On an infant's bathtub:
        Do not throw baby out with bath water.
-On a roll of Life Savers:
        Not for use as a flotation device.
-On a cup of McDonald's coffee:
        Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
-On a disposable razor:
        Do not use this product during an earthquake.
-On a handgun:
        Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
-On a piano:
        Harmful or fatal if swallowed.
-On a Pentium chip:
        If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will 
        replace it for a $2-shipping and a $3-handling charge, 
        for a total of $4.97.
-On a revolving door:
        Passenger compartments for individual use only.
-On a microscope:  Objects are smaller and less alarming than
        they appear.
-On children's alphabet blocks:
        Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and 
        sentences that may be deemed offensive.
%
  "Windows Error-codes"

  WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
  WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
  WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
  WinErr: 004 Erronious error - Nothing is wrong
  WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
  WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
  WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadeqaute money spent on hardware
  WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
  WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
  WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
  WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB
  WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Rame needed. More! More! More!
  WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
  WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
  WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
  WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
  WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
  WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
  WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
  WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
  WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new
 one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.
  WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
  WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your
 software. We are terribly sorry.
  WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error.
 Next time you will get a penalty for that.
  WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadeqaute.
  WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
  WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait..
  WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
  WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.
  WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The
 virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automaticly be closed and
 the virus will be activated again.
  WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed.
 Please click the left mouse button to continue.
  WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many erros encountered. Next
 errors will not be displayed or recorded.
  WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play
 another game?
  WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for
 the system to complete boot procedure.
  WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes available
%
A grain salesman is driving to his next appointment when he looks out
his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running parallel to his
car.  The car is going forty miles per hour, but somehow the chicken is
keeping up.  When the salesman speeds up to fifty, the chicken speeds up
with him.

The amazed salesman starts going sixty, but there's the chicken, still
beside him, and not even breathing hard.  The salesman is about to speed
up yet again when the chicken suddenly takes off and disappers in a
cloud of dust.

The astonished salesman immediately slows down and pulls over to the
side.  He finds the farmer and says, "You won't believe what happened to
me.  I was doing sixty on this road and a three-legged chicken passed me
like I was standing still!"

"Oh, yeah, I know all about it." says the farmer.  "You see, there's
three of us - myself, my wife, and little Davey, and whenever Louise
servers chicken for dinner, we all want a drumstick.  The only solution
we could think of was to start raising three-legged chickens."

"That's remarkable," says the salesman.  "How do they taste?"

"I don't really know," says the farmer.  "We've never been able to catch
one."
%
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
  -Former U.S.  Vice-President Dan Quayle
%
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years
     and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make
     some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
     -- Dave Barry
%
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
%
A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time.  After he'd given her
some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later.  Before
he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill.  If that happened, he told
her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
her aid.  
	Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
by the agreed upon signal.  Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
	"He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
	"She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied.  "I
just want to get my saddle back!"
%
* This is not a joke, though it really looks like one.

BUCHAREST, Sept 18 (Reuter) - A senior police official from Latvia had
a complaint at a Romanian conference on organised crime in eastern
Europe -- someone had stolen his mobile telephone.

The independent Mediafax news agency on Thursday said Latvia's former
interior minister Dainis Turlais reported the theft from his hotel
room and an investigation was under way.

``The hotel room had not been broken into,'' Mircea Gheordunescu,
deputy head of Romania's SRI intelligence service, told Mediafax.
``There were no signs that the lock on the door had been forced.''

Turlais was one of about 50 top policemen, prosecutors and
intelligence officers from 20 European countries at a three-day
meeting in Bucharest on how to tackle serious crime in the Balkan and
Black Sea region.

Speakers called for a East European body to coordinate action against
corruption, smuggling and prostitution, which have boomed since the
fall of communism.

Mediafax did not say whether Turlais's telephone had been found but
said conference organisers ``suspected that Turlais had most likely
forgotten his telephone somewhere.''
%
A promiscuous person is usually someone who is getting more sex than you are.
		-- Victor Lownes
%
Customer:     "I'm running Windows '95."
Tech Support: "Yes."
Customer:     "My computer isn't working now."
Tech Support: "Yes, you said that."
%
After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names
have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp,
James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc.  These pioneers conducted many important
electrical experiments.  For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this
is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg
of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even
though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.
Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian
medicine.  Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been
seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and
watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
that it sinks like a stone.
		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%
All parts should go together without forcing.  You must remember that the
parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you.  Therefore, if you
can't get them together again, there must be a reason.  By all means, do
not use a hammer.
		-- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
%
An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
		-- A Chinese child
%
AUTHENTIC:
	Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
%
Organization: Copyright 1997 by Agence France-Presse
From: C-afp@clari.net (AFP)
Subject: Romanian grows giant cucumber
Newsgroups: clari.world.europe.eastern,clari.living.human_interest,clari.living.misc
Date: Fri, 26 Sep 1997 10:00:53 PDT
Slugword: Romania-cucumber

   BUCAREST, Sept 26 (AFP) - A woman in Romania has successfully  
nurtured a giant cucumber measuring 1 meter 60 centimeters (five 
feet three inches) long, and 30 cm (1 ft) in diameter, the daily 
Evenimentul Zilei said Friday. 
   While Olga Avratescu has allowed reporters to measure the giant  
vegetable which is still growing, she is keeping her gardening 
secrets to herself, hoping to make it into the next edition of the 
Guiness Book of Records. 
   Avratescu, who lives in the north-eastern county of Botosani,  
also hopes to sell the seeds for 10 dollar a piece. 
%
BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
	Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
%
Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
%
belief, n:
	Something you do not believe.
%
A guy got bogged down on a muddy road and paid a passing farmer 
twenty dollars to pull him out with his tractor.   
   After he was back on dry ground, the guy told the farmer, "At those 
prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night 
and day."
   "Can't do it", replied the farmer.  "At night I haul water for the 
hole."
%
* Warning: gross

Two old blokes in a home for the elderly were up late one night when they see 
a third elderly bloke walk passed with no clothes on.

"What is that old bloke wearing?" says the first old bloke to the second.

"I don't know," says the second,"but what whatever it is it sure needs an 
iron." 
%
If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
%
* Warning: GROSS

Q: What is green and red and goes 60 miles per hour?
A: A frog in a blender!
%
A Hindu Priest, a Rabbi and a Lawyer were all traveling together and
came upon an Inn with only two available rooms. The Innkeeper said
that one of them must volunteer to sleep in the barn.  The Hindu
volunteered but two minutes later there was a knock at the door.  The
Hindu Priest said "I can not sleep in the barn because there is a cow
there."  The Rabbi then volunteered to sleep in the barn.  Two minutes
later there was another knock at the door.  The Rabbi returned saying
"I can not sleep in the barn because there is a pig in there."  The
lawyer then volunteered to sleep in the barn.  Two minutes later there
was a knock at the door. It was the cow and the pig.
%
* Warning: tasteless

What do you do if someone is having an epileptic fit in your bathtub?
Throw in the washing!
%
These three guys, separately, go for interviews with the CIA.

The first guy has his interview, and at the end the interviewer says
"Ok, I really like you and I'm prepared to offer you a job.  The final
test you have is the loyalty test.  We have your wife in the back room;
take this gun, go in there and kill her".
The guy goes in, but comes out again 5 minutes later and says "here,
take the gun back.  I couldn't do it, I love my wife.  I guess I'm just
not cut out for the CIA."

The second guy goes in for his interview.  Same thing; "here's a gun,
go in and kill your wife".  Again, the guy comes out 5 minutes later
and admits that he couldn't do it.

The third guy also has a successful interview.  He disappears into the
back room with the gun, and immediately the interviewer hears BANG BANG
BANG, followed swiftly by crashing and wrecking noises. Two minutes
later the guy comes out again, tie crooked, hair dishevelled, panting
and sweating.  "Congratulations", says the interviewer, "you start on
Monday, but tell me, what was all the noise about?  You look a mess."

And the guy replies "some idiot put blanks in the gun - I had to beat
her to death with a chair!"
%
* Warning: somewhat sexual material present

The biology professor told the students, "Before I start today's 
lecture, I want to see if you have been keeping up with the readings. 
Calling on one girl, he asks, "Amanda, what organ of the body expands to 
ten times its normal size when excited?"
   Amanda turns the color of a wet sunset, drops her eyes in 
embarrassment and is unable to reply.
   Professor asks, "Sally, do you know the answer?"
   Sally says, "It is the pupil of the eye, sir."
   Professor says, "Very good Sally." Turning to Amanda, he adds,"Now, 
Amanda, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not done your 
homework; two, you have a dirty mind; and three, you're in for a big 
disappointment."
% 
Subject: Romanian deputies cannot rule on skirts' length
Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 7:53:18 PDT
Organization: Copyright 1997 by Agence France-Presse
Slugword: Romania-people
Threadword: romania
Priority: regular

   BUCHAREST, Oct 10 (AFP) - Ruling on the length of skirts "is not  
part of the Romanian deputies' prerogatives," the chamber of 
deputies said Friday, denying media allegations that its standing 
bureau had recently banned liftwomen from wearing miniskirts. 
   "The chamber of deputies' standing bureau has not discussed nor  
taken any decision on the length of liftwomen's skirts", the lower 
house of parliament stated. 
   "According to regulations, the standing bureau is not entitled  
to deal with such topics, which are not part of its prerogatives, as 
they are stipulated by article 29," the chamber added. 
   The Libertatea daily said in its Friday edition the deputies'  
standing bureau had ruled against "liftwomen being seated, reading, 
doing crossword puzzles or wearing miniskirts while on duty." 

Subject: In Romania, lice are worth gold
Date: Thu, 9 Oct 1997 15:01:47 PDT
Organization: Copyright 1997 by Agence France-Presse
Slugword: Romania-prison
Threadword: romania
Priority: regular
  	  				 
   BUCHAREST, Oct 9 (AFP) - Lice are worth gold among Romanians in  
police custody, who have discovered that having them could mean 
staying out of prison, a doctor of Prahova county in the south of 
the country said Thursday. 
   "As long as they have lice, presumed criminals cannot be sent to  
prison, but must be looked after at the police station", doctor Alin 
Scarlat said. 
   He added that a "thriving trade in lice" had developed among  
suspects, who would do anything to avert going to prison, where 
conditions are particularly bad. 
   "While they are detained here, they get three meals and two  
snacks daily, as well as free medical treatment, which is hardly the 
case in prisons", Scarlat said. 
%
Guy comes into the doctor's office. Says: "Something's up my ass..."
Dr. looks at him, puts on the rubber glove, and up the ass he
goes...the dude's moaning, but the doctor keeps going.  "Nothing
there," doctor says.  "Go deeper, the guy says."  Still nothing there,
he tells the guy.  "Deeper" "Even more deeper."  Doc says "Nothing
there man....o wait, there is...?!" Pulls out a rose. Looks at the
guy, who has a big ass smile on his face.  The guy says "It's for you
Miss."
%
Two lawyers are in a bank. Suddenly, hijackers bust in. While several 
of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line up the 
customers, including the lawyers, and proceed to take their wallets and 
valuables.
   While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the 
hand of the other one. 
   Without looking down, the other guy asks, "What is this?"
   First lawyer says, "It's the fifty bucks I owe you."
%
what do cows with no lips say?
oooooo                 oooooooo!
%
* Warning: explicit sexual material

A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno.  By the roadside he
sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up.  As the man gets into his
car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car.
	"All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off."
	"What!?" says the man, disbelievingly.
	"Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker.
	So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right,
I did what you wanted, can I go now?"
	"Nope," says the hijacker.  "Do it again."
	"Again?" the driver exclaims.  "I just did it."
	"Do it again."
	It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again.
Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave.
	"Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more
time."
	The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat.  It takes him
twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time.
	"Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?"
	"Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun.  "And this is my daughter;
I want you to drive her into Salerno."
%
* Warning: brutal

	A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.  
He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
gas.  When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
were off.  Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside.  He wasn't sure
what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
"Help... help... help".  He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
ankles.  He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
	"These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my 
clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
	"Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants.  "This just
hasn't been your day, has it?" 
%
An airline passenger with three pieces of luggage walks up to the
baggage check-in counter at a busy eastern US airport.

"I'd like this one to go to Anchorage, this second one goes to Dallas,
and I'll take this third one with me to Los Angeles," he says.

"I'm sorry, sir," says the clerk, "but we can't do that."

"Why not?" says the passenger. "You did it last time I flew on this
airline!"
%
A man spent thirty years in prison. Most of it was in solitary
confinement, and he was going crazy alone in his cell, when he spied
an ant crawling on the floor. He began to look forward to the ant's
daily visit to his cell, and he would save bread crumbs to feed the
ant. He began to talk to the ant and gave it a name.
He was really surprised when the ant began to come to him when he
called it by name. He thought he was going crazy when the ant began to
talk back to him. He taught the ant to recite the Declaration of
Independence. Later, when he was finally paroled, the convict took the
ant with him, in a matchbox. He went to a bar, thinking, "This ant
will make me rich!" He took the matchbox out of his pocket and
released the ant on the bar. He said, "Bartender, do you see this ant
on the bar?" The bartender, "I'm sorry about that", and squashed the
ant with his thumb!
%
	A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex aids shop and
asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l
d-dildoes h-here?"
	The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's
appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."
	The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches
apart asked "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"
     "Well, yes ma-am, we do. We have several that size." 
     Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny
of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
     "Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big." 
     "D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?" 
     "Yes ma'am, one of them does."
     "W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?" 
%
On the first day of college, the dean/principal addresses the
students pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory
will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male
dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this
rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking
this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third
time will incur a hefty fine of $180. ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?".
A male student bashfully moves forward and asks: "How much
for a seasonal pass?"
     -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
%
* Warning: some sexual material present

Subject: Men's Life Styles through Age

       AGE        DRINK

      17         beer
      25         beer
      35         vodka
      48         double vodka
      66         Maalox

     SEDUCTION LINE

     17         My parents are away for the weekend.
     25         My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
     35         My fiancee is away for the weekend.
     48         My wife is away for the weekend.
     66         My second wife is dead.

     FAVORITE SPORT

     17         sex
     25         sex
     35         sex
     48         sex
     66         napping

     DRUG

     17         pot
     25         coke
     35         really good coke
     48         power
     66         coke, a limousine, the company jet

     DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

     17         "tongue"
     25         "breakfast"
     35         "She didn't set back my therapy."
     48         "I didn't bump into her kids."
     66         "Got home alive."

     FAVORITE FANTASY

     17         getting to third
     25         airplane sex
     35         menage a trois
     48         taking his company public
     66         Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

     HOUSE PET

     17         roaches
     25         stoned-out college roommate
     35         Irish setter
     48         children from his first marriage
     66         Barbi

    WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

     17         25
     25         35
     35         48
     48         66
     66         17

     IDEAL DATE
 
    17         Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
    25         "Split the check before we go back to my place"
    35         "Just come over."
    48         "Just come over and cook."
    66         sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas
%
  THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
 
          AGE  DRINK
          17 Wine Coolers
          25 White wine
          35 Red wine
          48 Dom Perignon
          66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
 
     EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
          17 Need to wash my hair
          25 Need to wash and condition my hair
          35 Need to colour my hair
          48 Need to have Francois colour my hair
          66 Need to have Francois colour my wig
 
     FAVOURITE SPORT
          17 shopping
          25 shopping
          35 shopping
          48 shopping
          66 shopping
 
     DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
          17 "Burger King"
          25 "Free meal"
          35 "A diamond"
          48 "A bigger diamond"
          66 "Home Alone"

     FAVOURITE FANTASY
          17 tall, dark and handsome
          25 tall, dark and handsome with money
          35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
          48 a man with hair
          66 a man
 
     HOUSE PET
          17 Muffy the cat
          25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
          35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
          48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
          66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
 
     WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
          17 17
          25 25
          35 35
          48 48
          66 66
 
     IDEAL DATE
          17 He offers to pay
          25 He pays
          35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
          48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
          66 He can chew breakfast
%
How to Hunt Elephants

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out
everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is
left.  Professors of mathematics prove the existence of at least one
elephant and leave the capture of an actual elephant as an exercise
for one of their graduate students.

Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A:

1.  Go to Africa
2.  Start at the Cape of Good Hope
3.  Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the
    continent alternately East and West.
4.  During each traverse
        a.  Catch each animal seen
        b.  Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
        c.  Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by
placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the
algorithm will terminate.

Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray
animals at  random, and stopping when any one of them weighs
within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed
elephant.

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if
elephants are paid enough they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and
call it an elephant.

Consultants don't hunt elephants, but they can be hired by
the hour to advise those who do.

Operations research consultants can measure the correlation
of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant
hunting strategies, if someone else will identify the elephants.

Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the
elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds
around arguing about who owns the droppings.  Software
lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the
look and feel of one dropping.

When the Vice President of R&D tries to hunt elephants, his
staff will try to ensure that  all elephants are completely
prehunted before he sees them.  If the VP sees a
nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1) Compliment the
vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to
prevent any recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based on
the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but
with deeper voices.

Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look
for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing
the jeep.

Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time
selling elephants they haven't  caught, for delivery two
days before the season opens.  Software salespeople ship the
first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an
elephant.  Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them
gray and sell them as "desktop elephants."
%
Problem: To Catch a Deer in the woods


1. Mathematical Methods
-----------------------

1.1 The Hilbert (axiomatic) method
----------------------------------

We place a locked cage onto a given point in the woods.  After that we
introduce the following logical system:

Axiom 1: The set of deers in the woods is not empty.

Axiom 2: If there exists a deer in the woods, then there exists a deer
in the cage.

Procedure: If P is a theorem, and if the following is holds:"P implies
Q", then Q is a theorem.

Theorem 1: There exists a deer in the cage.

1.2 The geometrical inversion method
------------------------------------

We place a spherical cage in the woods, enter it and lock it from
inside. We then perform an inversion with respect to the cage.  Then
the deer is inside the cage, and we are outside.

1.3 The projective geometry method
----------------------------------

Without loss of generality we can view the woods as a plane
surface. We project the surface onto a line and afterwards the line
onto an interior point of the cage.  Thereby the deer is mapped onto
that same point.

1.4 The Bolzano-Weierstrass method
----------------------------------

Divide the woods by a line running from north to south.  The deer is
then either in the eastern or in the western part.  Lets assume it is
in the eastern part.  Divide this part by a line running from east to
west.  The deer is either in the northern or in the southern part.
Lets assume it is in the northern part.  We can continue this process
arbitrarily and thereby constructing with each step an increasingly
narrow fence around the selected area.  The diameter of the chosen
partitions converges to zero so that the deer is caged into a fence of
arbitrarily small diameter.

1.5 The set theoretical method
------------------------------

We observe that the woods is a separable space.  It therefore contains
an enumerable dense set of points which constitutes a sequence with
the deer as its limit.  We silently approach the deer in this
sequence, carrying the proper equipment with us.

1.6 The Peano method
--------------------

In the usual way construct a curve containing every point in the
woods.  It has been proven [1] that such a curve can be traversed in
arbitrarily short time.  Now we traverse the curve, carrying a rifle,
in a time less than what it takes the deer to move a distance equal to
its own length.

1.7 A topological method
------------------------

We observe that the deer possesses the topological gender of a torus.
We embed the woods in a four dimensional space.  Then it is possible
to apply a deformation [2] of such a kind that the deer when returning
to the three dimensional space is all tied up in itself.  It is then
completely helpless.

1.8 The Cauchy method
---------------------

We examine a deer-valued function f(z). Be \zeta the cage. 
Consider the integral

	         /
            1    I   f(z)
         ------- I --------- dz
         2 \pi i I z - \zeta
                 / 
                 C

where C represents the boundary of the woods.  Its value is f(zeta),
i.e.there is a deer in the cage [3].

1.9 The Wiener-Tauber method
----------------------------

We obtain a tame deer, D_0, from the class D(-\infinity,\infinity),
whose fourier transform vanishes nowhere.  We put this deer somewhere
in the woods.  D_0 then converges toward our cage.  According to the
general Wiener-Tauber theorem [4] every other deer D will converge
toward the same cage.  (Alternatively we can approximate D arbitrarily
close by translating D_0 through the woods [5].)


2 Theoretical Physics Methods
-----------------------------
2.1 The Dirac method
--------------------

We assert that wild deers can ipso facto not be observed in the woods.
Therefore, if there are any deers at all in the woods, they are tame.
We leave catching a tame deer as an exercise to the reader.

2.2 The Schroedinger method
---------------------------

At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the deer being in
the cage.  Sit and wait.

2.3 The nuclear physics method
------------------------------

Insert a tame deer into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange
operator [6] on it and a wild deer.

As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's
sake) a male deer.  We insert a tame female deer into the cage and
apply the Heisenberg exchange operator [7], exchanging spins.

2.4 A relativistic method
-------------------------

All over the woods we distribute deer bait containing large amounts of
the companion star of Sirius.  After enough of the bait has been eaten
we send a beam of light through the woods.  This will curl around the
deer so it gets all confused and can be approached without being
alerted to our presence.

2.5 The Newton method
-----------------

Neglect friction and the deer and the cage will attract each other.


3 Experimental Physics Methods
------------------------------

3.1 The thermodynamics method
-----------------------------

We construct a semi-permeable membrane which lets everything but deers
pass through.  This we drag through the woods.

3.2 The atomic fission method
-----------------------------

We irradiate the woods with slow neutrons.  The deer becomes
radioactive and starts to disintegrate.  Once the disintegration
process is progressed far enough the deer will be unable to resist.

[1] After Hilbert, cf. E. W. Hobson, "The Theory of Functions of a Real
Variable and the Theory of Fourier's Series" (1927), vol. 1, pp 456-457
[2] H. Seifert and W. Threlfall, "Lehrbuch der Topologie" (1934), pp 2-3
[3] According to the Picard theorem (W. F. Osgood, Lehrbuch
derFunktionentheorie, vol 1 (1928), p 178) it is possible to catch
every deer except for at most one.
[4] N. Wiener, "The Fourier Integral and Certain of itsl Applications"
(1933), pp 73-74
[5] N. Wiener, ibid, p 89
[6] cf e.g. H. A. Bethe and R. F. Bacher, "Reviews of Modern Physics", 8
(1936), pp 82-229, esp. pp 106-107
[7] ibid "
%
*Warning: somewhat very vulgar.

The Urinal List

Next time you go to the public toilets (mens) you may
observe one of the following types of vistors:

 Excitable Type:     Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips
                     pants in anger.

 Sociable Type:      Joins pals for a piss whether he wants one or
                     not.

 Timid Type:         Cannot piss if anyone is watching, pretends
                     he has been and sneaks back later.

 Nosy Type:          Peeps over partition to have a look at the
                     other fellow's tool.

 Indifferent Type:   All urinals being occupied, uses sink.

 Clever Type:        Pisses without holding tool, shows off by
                     adjusting tie at the same time, pisses on
                     foot.

 Vain Type:          Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.

 Absent-Minded Type: Opens jacket, takes out tie, pisses in
                     pants.

 Worried Type:       Is not quite sure what he has been up to
                     lately, makes a furtive but close inspection
                     of tool while pissing.

 Disgruntled Type:   Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries
                     to piss, fails, farts again and walks out
                     muttering.

 Conceited Type:     Holds 2-inch dick like a baseball bat while
                     pissing.

 Sneaky Type:        Farts while pissing and looks at the guy next
                     to him.

 Sloppy Type:        Pisses on shoe, walks out with flies undone,
                     adjusts himself ten minutes later.

 Learned Type:       Reads a book or newspaper while pissing.

 Childish Type:      Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while
                     pissing.

 Efficient Type:     Waits until has to shit and does both at the
                     same time.

 Strong Type:        Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops.

 Embarrassed Type:   Covers tool with both hands and pisses
                     through fingers.

 Cock-Eyed Type:     Stands in one cubical and pisses in next one.

 Drunken Type:       Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and
                     pisses in trousers.

 Clean Type:         Wash tools after pissing to keep clean.
%
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
thought of.
		-- Burt Bacharach
%
At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
		-- J.B. White
%
* Warning: coarse language

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow 
and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's 
bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to 
watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. 

"Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said the little boy. 

After a while the boy came into the living where his father was 
talking with some friends. "Say, Pop," said the boy. "Yes," 
replied his father. 

"The bull just fucked the brown cow." 

There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said 
"Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use 
language like that in front of company. You should say 'The 
bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me 
when the bull surprises the white cow." 

The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy 
came in and said, "Hey, Daddy." 

"Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?" 

"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!"
%
* Warning: cruel, coarse language

A man found his wife in bed with the next door neighbour. He shoved
him against the wall and aimed his shotgun at his testicles."I'm gonna
blow your goddamn balls off you asshole!"
  "Come on! I'm a sitting duck! Gimme a sporting chance willya?"
  "Alright! Swing 'em!"
%
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the
airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If
you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride
will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride.

After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to
congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed
when my wife fell out."
%
What did Michael Jackson say to OJ Simpson ?

"Don't worry,I'll take care of the kids."
%
* Warning: morbid

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill.
After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the 
examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news.  You're dying and you don't have 
much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible.   How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10.." says the doctor. "10?  10 what?  Months?  Weeks?  What?!" he asks
desperately. "10...9...8...7..."
%
Man's ages:

1. Tri weekly
2. Try weekly
3. Try weakly
%
Wampire to female teacher: "See you next period".
%
*Warning: obscene

Two friends were standing next to each other in the Lavatory.

On looking down Bob noticed that Tom and a remarkably large organ.
unable to keep himself from looking he congratulated him on having
such a fine specimen.

Tom replied that it had not always been so and that its size had only
been achieved through much pain and suffering.

Intrigued, Bob asked to be let in on the secret.

'Well' said Tom, 'each night when I go home I remove it from my
trousers, slam it against the front door, beat it against the wall
several times, run upstairs while banging it against the hand rail and
then I give the wife a good seeing to.'

Intrigued by this Bob decides to try it himself. So on returning home
he removes his own from his trousers bangs it against the door, beats
it on the wall several times and then runs upstairs banging it on the
hand rail.

Just as he is about to spring into the bedroom his wife calls out...

'Is that you again Tom.'
%
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they
take them off."
  -Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the
Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
%
A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal,
the waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement
of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!" and he actually
did.

The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:

        "JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY."
%
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We
are the president."
  -Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
%
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots
and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is
to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for
the killings? The killers are to blame."
 -Former U.S.  Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues
  behind the Los Angeles Riots
%
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and 
a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. 
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
%
A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's best friend, when 
all of a sudden the telephone rings.  She answers. After hanging up 
she says, "That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for 
awhile.   He's playing cards with you."
%
A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from the 
inside of the apartment.  He walks inside only to find his wife on the 
floor of the living room naked.  Wife yells, "Help, Help, I am having 
a heart attack",  the husband runs in the other room to call the doctor 
when one of his kids run up to him and says, "Daddy, Daddy, there is 
a naked man in the closet!"  Husband opens the closet door and sees 
his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, G-d damn it!  My wife is having 
a heart attack, and here you are trying to scare the kids"!!!
%
Lord John to his driver:
James, drive off the cliff. I want to commit suicide.
%     
Q: What do a puppy dog and a near-sighted gynecologist have in common?
A: a wet nose
%
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's 
nobody home. I went over.  Nobody was home.
%
A famous mathematician was to give a keynote speech at a
conference.  Asked for an advance summary, he said he would present a
proof of Fermat's Last Theorem -- but they should keep it under their
hats.  When he arrived, he spoke on a much more prosaic topic.  
Afterwards the conference organizers asked why he said he'd
talk about the theorem and then didn't.  He replied this was his
standard practice, just in case he was killed on the way to the
conference.
%
If it weren't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
%
The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he/she fills out
a job application form.
%     
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.  Just the 
other night she called me from a hotel.
%
Jack goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray
glasses. He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual,
the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.

On his way home, Jack puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He
sees every one in the street naked.  He takes them off for a moment,
and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...
everyone is naked! "Cool"

As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife
but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and
the postman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are
still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.  Jack
then says: "Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're
already broken!".
%
Subject: "It's me or the iguana," she said. "The Iguana," he replied
Newsgroups: clari.world.europe.eastern
Organization: Copyright 1997 by Agence France-Presse
  	  				 
   BUCHAREST, Nov 19 (AFP) - Lizards don't often bust up marriages,  
but big Tilda the iguana did. 
   It was hardly surprising. A full 1.5 metres (about five feet)  
long, Tilda's favourite pastime was to climp atop the wardrobe and 
then leap right down on to the bed of her master and mistress. 
   That was before Geta Iordache walked out on husband Calin after  
20 years of marriage when he opted for the reptile rather than his 
wife. 
   Now Calin, 40, who poured out his troubles to the daily Curentul  
newspaper Wednesday is heart-broken. 
   Unemployed, he said he spent all his savings to buy the lizard.  
"It was the best gift I ever gave Geta. I hoped she would adopt 
Tilda but she walked out instead." He described the reptile as being 
"playful but obedient." 
%
Newsgroups: clari.world.europe.eastern
Date: Fri, 21 Nov 1997 17:22:33 PST
Organization: Copyright 1997 by Agence France-Presse ** via ClariNet **
  	  				 
   BUCHAREST, Nov 21 (AFP) - Romanian police said Friday they  
arrested four persons in Bucharest trying to peddle 380 grams of 
uranium pellets. 
   The two Romanians and two Moldavians were arrested in the act  
Thursday as they offered to sell 100 grams of uranium 235 in a 
restaurant in the heart of Bucharest, police said. 
   The asking price was 30,000 dollars per gram (.035 ounces), or  
11.4 million dollars for the lot, they said. 
   They said the rest of the highly radioactive substance was found  
at the suspects' Bucharest home. 
   No details were given about the prospective clients.  
%
I: Ce are patru picioare si o mana?
R: Un bull-terrier care vine de la joaca.
%
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

%
	"How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
social climber said to her roommate.  "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
full of money before."
%
90% of the work takes 90% of the time.
The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
%
A man went to the dentist's, his wife by his side. When they arrived
at the office, he told her to sit in the waiting room: "I'll only be a
few minutes", he assured her.

So the guy goes in, and says to the dentist, "How much will it cost if
you administer the nitrous oxide, and pull the tooth?" The dentist
replies, "That would be 75 dollars." The guy winces, and says, "Oh,
that's far too expensive.  How 'bout if you use that novocaine, and go
in and pull that tooth?" The dentist says, "25 dollars." "That's a
little better," says the guy, "but still more than I want to pay. How
'bout if you just take them pliers, and just go right in and pull the
tooth?" "Five dollars", comes the dentist's reply. "That's fine", says
the man, "We'll do it that way."

He gets up from the chair, opens the door to the waiting room, and
says to his wife, "Come on in, honey, the dentist is ready for you!"
%
*Warning: loose morality; sex

I have 3 girls coming over tonight.  I never had 3 girls at once,
I need something to keep me potent."

So the pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom
drawer and takes out a small black cardboard box marked with an
"X" and says "Here, if you eat this you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"

The guy says "gimmee 3 boxes".

Next day, same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the
same pharmacist and pulls down his pants.  The pharmacist looks in
horror as he notices the man's dick is black   blue, the skin's
hanging off in places.  The man says "gimmee a bottle of
Absorbine Jr."

To which the pharmacist replies "ABSORBINE JR.?  You're not going
to put ABSORBINE JR. on that are you?"

The guy says, "No it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up".
%
                        How Men Really Think

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know
which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see
how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money.  She
gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and
tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you
because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I
bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the
rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future
because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent
the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.
%
	   GLOSSARY FOR RESEARCH PAPERS:  Strictly Speaking

THEY WRITE                                      THEY MEAN

It has long been known that...                  I haven't bothered to look up
                                                the original reference

...of great theoretical and practical           ...interesting to me
importance                                              

While it has not been possible to               The experiments didn't work
provide definite answers to these               out, but I figured I could at 
questions.					least get a publication out 
						of it.

The W-Pb system was chosen as 		        The fellow in the next lab had
especially suitable to show the                 some already made up
predicted behavior...

High purity...                                  Composition unknown except
Very high purity...                             for the exaggerated claims of
Extremely high purity...                        the supplier
Super-purity...
Spectroscopically pure...

A fiducial reference line...                    A scratch

Three of the samples were                       The results of the others 
chosen for detailed study...			didn't make sense and were 
				                ignored..

...handled with extreme care during             ...not dropped on the floor
the experiments

Typical results are shown...                    The best results are shown...

Although some detail has been lost              It is impossible to tell from 
in reproduction, it is clear from the           the  micrograph
original micrograph that...

Presumably at longer times...                   I didn't take the time to find 
						out

The agreement with the predicted                fair
curve is excellent

good                                             poor

satisfactory                                     doubtful

fair                                             imaginary

...as good as could be expected                  non-existent

These results will be reported at                I might get around to this
a later date                                     sometime

The most reliable values are those               He was a student of mine
of Jones

It is suggested that...
It is believed that...                           I think...
It may be that...

It is generally believed that....                I have such a good objection 
						 to this answer that I shall 
						 now raise it.

It is clear that much additional                 I don't understand it
work will be required before a
complete understanding...

Unfortunately, a quantitative theory            Neither does anybody else
to account for these effects has not
been formulated

Correct within an order of magnitude            Wrong

It is to be hoped that this work                This paper isn't very good but
will stimulate further work in the field	neither are any of the others
						on this miserable subject

Thanks are due to Joe Glotz for                 Glotz did the work and Doe
assistance with the experiments and             explained what it meant.
to John Doe for valuable discussions.
%
* Warning: religious material

The phone rings in heaven. St Peter answers, "Hello? Yes..yes..yes,
just a moment." Putting his hand over the receiver, he continues,
"God, it's the Pope; he wants to discuss women in the clergy again."
God, tired of the Pope and his problems, says, "Look, there are
millions of people praying right now, I'm trying to plan Armageddon,
tell him I'm just not available." "Of course," St Peter replys.
Removing his hand from the phone, he says to the Pope,
"She's not available right now..."
%
I've heard a good number of very valid reasons for drinking beer, but
the one that takes the cake is called the "Buffalo Theory". It
originated in America and goes something like this:

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and
when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the
back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the
regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills
off  brain cells,but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. 
%
When Development Engineers go out together on a week-end they talk about
football.

When middle management are together, they talk about tennis.

Top management discusses golf.

Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls
are.
%
Met this guy in a bar; says:
- Hi, dude.  Do you have pictures with your wife nude?
- Nope. 
- Would you buy some?
%
If a man speaks in a forest and no woman is around to hear him - is he
still wrong?
%
Gorilla in a business suit walks into a bar, slaps down
a $20 bill, and asks for a martini, straight up with an olive. The
bartender panics and runs in back shouting " Boss, Boss! There's a
gorilla in a business suit at the bar. He slapped down a $20 and asked
for a martini. What should I do?" Boss says " Give it to him, but only
give him back $10 change. After all, what's a gorilla gonna know?"

So the bartender goes back out, makes the martini, takes the 20 and
gives back $10 change. Gorilla finishes the drink and asks for
another. The bartender repeats the scenario, and takes the $10 bill.

Gaining a little courage now, the bartender leans casually across the
bar and says "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."

The gorilla looks back at him for a minute, while sucking his olive
and replies "At $10 a martini, I can see why not."
%
As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
variable."
%
Microsoft announces complete year 2000 solution.
Delivery expected in 2004.
%
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the
situation.
%
* Warning: religious material

Why God Never Received Tenure at any University:

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refered journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human
   subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the 
    subjets.
11. When subjets didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the
    sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his
    tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
%
A mathematician is a machine for converting cofee into theorems.
%
"He was so narrow-minded that he could see with both eyes through a key-hole."
%
grep penduin %
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
game.  Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
along it at the water's edge.  Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.  Then, the
paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
colony and overfly it.  Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
fall over gently onto their backs.
		-- Audobon Society Magazine
%
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
that the system works.
%
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
in students.
		-- John Ciardi
%
 The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.  This
means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
 
%
A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
	She found a good way
	To combine work and play:
She sells C shells by the seashore.
%
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
getting nervous.
%
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
in God.
%
Absent, adj.:
	Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
slandered.
%
Abstainer, n.:
	A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
pleasure.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Absurdity, n.:
	A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
opinion.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
totally worthless.
%
    "Do you have any batteries?" she asked the hardware store clerk.
    "Yes, ma'am." The clerk gestures with his finger: "Can you come
this way?"
    "If I could come that way," the woman replies, "I wouldn't need
the batteries."
%
The following filler appeared in the Telegraph (London) last summer.
This isn't quite a quote because I've lost the cutting, but its as
close to verbatim as I can remember. For those not from these shores
Wimbledon Common is a large area of parkland in South London...
"Police are looking for a man who exposed himself to a woman on
Wimbledon Common yesterday. He is described as 5'10", with brown hair
and a stocky build. He is believed to be left handed."
%
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline -- it
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons,
but at the very least you need a beer.
	-- Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk.  That will teach you to keep
your mouth shut.
	-- Ernest Hemmingway

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
	-- Catherine Zandonella

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
	-- David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking class.
	-- Oscar Wilde

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
	-- Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes
beer shoot out your nose.
	-- Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer.   Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
	-- Dave Barry

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like
to pee alot.
	-- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen,
for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in
beer.
	-- Dave Barry
%
*NEWSFLASH*

CIVIL WAR IN C-LAND

	Main().  A bloody civil war has broken out in the Stdio province
of C-land between rival factions of functions.  The situation between the
functions that put the FILE* first and the ones that put the FILE* last
had been tense for years.  Apparently, the present outbreak of hostilities
was caused by an argument between a group of unemployed Fsetpos's and a
band of Putc's over a misplaced argument.  Major fighting broke out when
the Fprintf and Fwrite warlords sided up with their respective allies.
	So far, the principal victims of the conflict have been the
neutral parties: a gang of Fgets's and Fread's armed with volatile
pointers and float arrays is said to have massacred a village of Fflush's,
while a company of Ftell and Rewind soldiers were tried and shot for
treason and espionage when they refused to follow their Fseek officer's
orders, reliable sources say.
	The civilian population, consisting mainly of FILE*'s, are
terrified, and most of them are afraid to come out of their structs.  At
present, only the Setvbuf and Setbuf militias have not joined in the
fighting, although it is reported that buffering has been refused to
Fread, Fwrite, Fgets and Fputs requests.  Even some Putc's have received
_IONBF for an answer.
	It is feared that the conflict might spread to the central
provinces and the capital, where there are many relatives of the
Printf/Scanf family on the one side, and of the Put/Get family on the
other (the country's President, HelloWorld\n, is himself a Printf).
Unrest has also begun to spread across the IOStream into neighbouring
C++-land, where young << and >> workers have gone on strike, refusing to
do anything but bit shifting, "like our fathers did," as one spokes-<<
said.
%
According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
dies.
%
Jon Snow:  "In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?"
Expert: "Er, yes." (Channel 4 News)
%
"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no
different to any other."  (John Sleightholme - BBC1)
%
"If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to
score a goal."  (Jimmy Hill - BBC)
%
"Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy - four very different
names."  (Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3)
%
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field."  (Metro Radio Sports Commentary)
%
Listener: "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial 
leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day."
Simon Fanshawe: "How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?"
(Talk Radio)
%
Interviewer: "So did you see which train crashed into which train
first?"
15-year-old: "No, they both ran into each other at the same time."
(BBC Radio 4)
%
Presenter (to palaeontologist): "So what would happen if you mated the
woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?"

Expert: "Well in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a
mule, we'd get a sort of half-mammoth.

Presenter: "So it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla?"

Expert: "Er, well yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks."  (GLR)
%
Grand National winning jockey Mick Fitzgerald: "Sex is an anti-climax
after that!"

Desmond Lynam: "Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everyone
saw that."  (BBC)
%
"According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to
live in America is the city of Pittsburgh.  The city of New York came
in twenty-fifth.  Here in New York we really don't care too much.
Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime."
		-- David Letterman
%
Admiration, n.:
	Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
                 Gates-McNealy Frisbee News

                       Author Unknown 

Bill Gates and Scott McNealy were playing a friendly game of Frisbee at
the Gates' estate on the shore of Lake Washington. At one point, Bill
accidentally sends the Frisbee over Scott's head, and the Frisbee lands
in the lake. Scott walks out onto the surface of the lake and retrieves
the Frisbee. 

The next day the newspapers report: 

                       GATES' THROW EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS

                             Sun CEO Unable to Swim
%
Adolescence, n.:
	The stage between puberty and adultery.
%
Adore, v.:
	To venerate expectantly.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
		-- Sinclair Lewis
%
Two little boys were engaging in the time honored tradition
of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world.

"My Father is better than your Father!"

"No, he's not!"

"My brother is better than you brother!"

"He is not!  He is not!!!"

"My Mother is better than your Mother!"

A long pause ensued...

"Well, I guess ya got me there.  I've heard my
father say the same thing more than once."
%
After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?  Surely not
for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have
simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
		-- P. J. O'Rourke
%
Afternoon, n.:
	That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
morning.
%
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but
is always polite to traffic cops.
%
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
		-- Woody Allen
%
			Pittsburgh driver's test
10: Potholes are
	a) extremely dangerous.
	b) patriotic.
	c) the fault of the previous administration.
	d) all going to be fixed next summer.
The correct answer is b.
Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
are larger than the cars.  If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
you have nothing to worry about.
%
Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
	(1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
	    sawhorse.
	(2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
	(3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
	    perfectly balanced.
	(4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
		-- Robert Burns
%
Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
	(1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
	    straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
	    force is technically termed "car suck").
	(2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
	    than "Watch this!"
%
"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."
		-- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
%
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
I'll be home in twenty minutes.

Why does Bill's limousine have a sunroof?
More leg room

Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
To keep his ankles warm.

How did 500 women sampled at random respond when asked if they would
have sex with Bill Clinton?
86% responded "Not again!"

President Clinton, what do you want to do about this abortion bill?
He replies, "I guess...pay it!"

How does Hillary feel?
She may be the FIRST LADY, but she won't be the LAST.

What advice did Yasar Arafat give President Clinton in their meeting
on January 22, 1998?  
"Bill....Goats don't talk!!"

President Clinton said to Monica, "I didn't tell you to lie in
deposition ...  
I told you to lie in THAT POSITION!"

Don't feel sorry for Monica......
She'll be back "on her knees" in no time!

Most people are concerned about AIDS when having sex . .
Clinton is concerned about aides who WILL have sex.

Why does Bill Clinton wish he was like Ted Kennedy?
Because Kennedy has an ex-wife and a dead girlfriend.
%
Dear Dr Ruth,

I'm writing to tell you my problem,  It seems I have been married
to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless
of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing
E-Mail on AOL, etc.  I would like to know if there is anything that
ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld
mpskdli  dlks; a;ld ;;'
cinsely ous
mdyl
%
			Pittsburgh driver's test
7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
   but a steady left tail light.
	a) One of the tail lights is broken.  You should blow your
	   horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
	b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
	c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
	d) The driver is from out of town.
The correct answer is d.
Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
%
Colvard's Logical Premises:
	All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will happen or it
	won't.

Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
	This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
	attracted to.

Grelb's Commentary
	Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
%
Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device that
would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
maneuver.  Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY
UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
RIGHT?  AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
RIGHT???  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
		-- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
%
Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems
theory.
%
Expert, n.:
	Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
%
Death to all fanatics!
%
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
close to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full
and bushy.  "Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face
with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies. 

"Can you get him for me -- I need to speak to him?" she asks, running
her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. 

"Is there anything I can do?" 

"Yes there is.  I need you to give him a message" she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him
to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies."
%
In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of
stairs.
%
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.
%
* Warning: coarse

The other day, my friends and I went to this Gentleman's' Club. One of
my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The dancer
came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt.
Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the
girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek. Now the
attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my
wallet, thought for a minute.....then the banker in me took over. I got
out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and
went home.
%
* Warning: politics

Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished,
she asked her gynecologist how things looked.  He said he was pleased
and  that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant! She told
the doctor  there was no way, but he said that she most definitely
was a month pregnant.  Well, she stormed out of the office and went
to the receptionist and took the phone and called the white house.

When the  operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she
wanted to talk  to Bill right away. Well they rang the oval office
and Bill answered.

Hillary said:  "Do you know what you did you rotten bastard?
You got me pregnant!!!"

The President remained silent.

Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN
BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!"

Finally Bill answered, "Who is this???"
%
        A photographer from a well known national magazine was 
assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.  The 
magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire 
fighters as they battled the blaze.
        When the photographer arrived, he realized the smoke 
was so thick it would seriously impede or make it impossible 
for him to photograph anything from ground level.  He requested 
permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air.  His 
request was approved and arrangements were made.  He was told 
to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting 
for him.
        He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up 
near the gate.  He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's 
go!"  The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within 
minutes they were in the air.  The photographer said, "Fly over 
the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some 
pictures."
        "Why?" asked the pilot.  "Because I am a photographer," 
he responded, "and photographers take photographs."
        The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, 
"You mean you're not the flight instructor?
%
There are two rules for success in life: 

Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know. 
%
There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the store when
a cowboy rode up.  He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around
behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on its
rectum.  One of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did
you do THAT?" To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."
Confused, the woman continued, "Does that make them feel better?"
"No, but it stops me from licking them!"
%
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
%
* warning: somewhat gross

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some
minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend
stopped by to see how the guy was doing.

The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who
entered the room in short intervals with refreshments,
offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs,
etc.  "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked.  "You
look fine to me."

"I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda
formed a little fan club when they all heard that my 
circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."
%
* Don't be offended by ethnic references

An American, oil-drilling company was erecting new offshore platorms in
total isolation. Their industrial psychologist was concerned about the
effect this might have on the crew. it was therefore decided to test the
reactions of three men. An Englishmen, an American and the inevitable
Irishman were selected and told to pick out their favourite leisure gear
to help them cope with the next three months completely on their own in
the middle of the ocean.

        The American turned up with a suitcase, the Englishman with five
huge plastic bags and the irishman with only his hands in his pockets.

        The industrial psychologist was, naturally, very curious.  The
American explained that he was taking his Linguaphone records and books to
learn languages.  The Englishman said he had 5000 golf balls to improve
his game. Then they quizzed the irishman who produced a packet of tampons
from his pocket, reading aloud from the label:  "With this you can go
swimming, scuba diving, aerogliding, dancing and do aerobics."
%
"Nobody will ever need more than 640k RAM!"
                           -- Bill Gates, 1981
"Windows 95 needs at least 8 MB RAM."
                           -- Bill Gates, 1996
"Nobody will ever need Windows 95."
                           -- logical conclusion
%
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a 
young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was
to try counseling.  They had been at each other's throat for some time
and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the
counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor
for discussion.  

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long
face down without anything to say.  On the other hand, the wife began
talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their
marriage.  After 5 -- 10 -- 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the
counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her
passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards,
the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the  husband who was staring in disbelief at what had
happened.  The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at
least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on
Tuesdays and Thursdays."
%
Westheimer's Discovery:
	A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
couple of hours in the library.
%
        An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit 
the president.  When he arrived at the airport, a host of 
newsmen and television cameramen met him.  One of the reporters 
asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight.
        The chief made a series of weird noises...."screech, 
scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-"...and then added in 
perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight."
        Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the
Washington Monument while you're in the area?"
        The chief made the same noises..."screech, scratch, 
honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z"...and then said, "Yes, and I also 
plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building."
        "Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" 
asked the next reporter.
        The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, 
whistle, z-z-z-z...from the shortwave radio."
%
Dear Councilor,

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era
deserter from the U. S. Marines.  My mother peddles Nazi literature to
Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years
for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.

The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my
$500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny "The
Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid
sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful,
sweetest girl in the world.  She is just sweet sixteen, and we are
going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.

But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on
hers.  In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my
cousin who works for Microsoft?
%
* May not match your preferences, or mine

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and
says "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The
bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me
'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain
spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Carlsberg sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender
is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask: "Why aren't you
drinking a Carlsberg?" and the Carlsberg president replies: "Well, if you
guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
%
	Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of
bored after dinner one night.  He decided to hold a contest of who at the
court had the mightiest "weapon".  The first knight stood up and proclaimed
that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5
pound weight around it.  The weapon doth rose.  The crowds cheered... the
women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band
played appropriate music.
	Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon.
He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself.  The weapon doth
rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved
multi-colored banners...  and the band played appropriate music.
	After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...  the
King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffe pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
The crowds cheered...  the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
%
A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut.  As he
snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"

The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.

"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded
dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome!  So how ya
getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," the man replies.

"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old,
their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late!  So where
you staying in Rome?"

The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."

"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city!  The
rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced!
So whatcha doing when you get there?"

The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the
Pope."

"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying
to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on THIS
trip.  You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut.  Joe says,
"Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out?  Betcha TWA gave you the
worst flight of your life!"

"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time
in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us
up to first class.  The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a
beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and
foot!"

"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."

"No, quite the opposite!  They'd just finished a $25 million
remodeling.  It's the finest hotel in Rome, now.  They were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for
no extra charge!"

"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"

"Actually, we were quite lucky.  As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to
personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand.  I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"

"Oh, not much really.  Just 'Where'd you get that awful haircut?'"
%
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to
St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry
for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden
staff and to proceed into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching
these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. 
Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows
his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe
and wooden staff."
The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. 
You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate
higher than a cabby."
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in
results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his
taxi, people prayed." 
%
So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole 
to get some water for cooking dinner.  As he was dipping the bucket 
in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him.  He dropped the bucket 
and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny.
"There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny.  He's been there for 
a few years now, and he's never hurt no one.  Why, he's probably as 
scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Gramma,"  replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of 
him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
%
A businessman taking a seminar on efficiency completed a case study of 
his wife's routine for fixing breakfast, and presented the results to
the class.

"After a few days of observation, I quickly determined the practices
that were robbing her of her precious time and energy," the man
reported, "taking note of how many trips she made from the kitchen 
to the dining room carrying just one item, I suggested that in the 
future she carry several items at a time."

"Did it work?", the teacher asked.

"It sure did," replied the businessman, "instead of taking her 20
minutes to fix my breakfast, it now takes me just seven."
%
A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip. Upon 
arriving,he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application.

The border official looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist
trying to write 'Twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.

The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this
question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."

"Doesn't matter," the tourist answers.
%
An 80-year-old man goes to a doctor for a check-up.  The doctor tells him,
"You're in terrific shape.  There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might
live forever.  By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 80-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor couldn't believe it!  So he said, "Well, how old was your
grandfather when he died?

The 80-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished.  He said, "You mean to tell me you are 80 years
old and both your father and your grandfather are both alive?"

"Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 126 years old, and
next week he is getting married for the first time."

The doctor said, "After 126 years of being a bachelor why on earth did your
grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
%
Two guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment:
the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even
a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.  The
same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.  It goes
on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of
the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really
depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that
this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch 
any more!" 
%
Budget Constraints

Travel Policy Effective Immediately

Due to budgetary constraints, the following policies are established
regarding employee business travel.

1.  TRANSPORTATION: Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel;
luminescent vests will be issued (only one per group) prior to
departure.  Bus transportation may be considered when hitchhiking
is not possible.  Airline tickets will only be issued in extreme
circumstances (greater than 24 hour driving time); employee will
fly in standby status.  If standby travel becomes available to
another location, then the employee must conduct all business at
that other destination.  Rental cars are certainly authorized and
encouraged, but will be at the employee's expense.  Note that rental
cars can be used as lodging.  Transportation time to and from
location that exceeds 12 hours must be logged as vacation.

2.  LODGING: All employees are encouraged to stay with friends,
relatives, or mere acquaintances.  A list of catchy introductory
phrases is available in the office so that names can be selected
at random from a phone book in the chance that someone will take
you in.  Up to three dollars may be charged on your expense report
(receipts required) for all phone calls (local calls only) made to
total strangers for this purpose.  Public areas such as parks,
roadside rests, bridges, and tunnels may be used for temporary
lodging.  Boxes may be obtained from shipping for shelter.  Consider
getting arrested for overnight lodging (see MEALS).

3.  MEALS: Dieting and fasting are encouraged on business trips.
The office is well aware of the grocery chains that provide "free
samples" of promotional items, (such as small bits of cheese and
kielbasa) and will not provide reimbursements for meals consumed
within a 25 mile radius of such groceries.  The office also has
literature on indigenous roots, berries and other natural food
sources at your destination, based on seasonal changes. Meal expenses
are not authorized when staying with friends, relatives, mere
acquaintances, or total strangers (see LODGING).  If restaurants
must be utilized, travelers must patronize those that advertise
"all you can eat" salad bars; ask for a doggie bag, and don't forget
to take all of the crackers and sugars that you can carry.  This
method can be used to feed co-travelers, and to cover all three
meals in a day for one individual. The office will not reimburse
bail bond for larceny (see LODGING) even if the employee in good
faith tried to get arrested to save the company money. On airplanes,
ask for extra bags of peanuts from the attendant, or grab them from
the meal cart or from small children.  Employees are encouraged to
take along Spam, tuna, peanut butter, and bread, all of which can
be consumed without the need for heating or other costly preparation
methods.  Beverage expenses will be reimbursed if the employee
justifies why water was not available.
%
The obvious mathematical breakthrough [to break modern encryption]
would be development of an easy way to factor large prime numbers.
	--Bill Gates from "The Road Ahead," p. 265.

(For the non-mathematicians: a number is called "prime" if and only if
it can _not_ be factored, because it is only divisible by 1 and itself)
%
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for 
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.    

- Rita Rudner
%
A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO .  It is the best
and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old
man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks,
"What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half
million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked.  "Why does it cost
so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude
proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning
back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all
right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what
his car can do.  He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer
reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view  mirror.  It
seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it  could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh!
Something whips by him, going  much faster!  "What on earth could be
going faster than my Ferrari?!"   the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot cooming  toward him. Whoooooosh!  It
goes by again, heading the opposite  direction!  And it almost  looked
like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM!
It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young
man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!!  Of course, the moped and the
old man are hurting for certain.  He runs up to the dying old man and
says, "You're badly hurt!  Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man moans and replies, "Yes,  Unhook my suspenders from your
side-view mirror!"
%
        Two experienced fishermen went ice-fishing.   They chopped holes
in the ice about twenty-five feet apart, put worms on their hooks,
dropped their lines in the water, and got nary a nibble.   This went on
for several hours, but no luck.  Mid afternoon, a school boy arrived,
walked confidently onto the ice, and chopped his hole between those of
the two men, and caught fish after fish.
        The men were amazed, and finally one approached the boy and
asked, "Tell me, young man, what's your secret?"
        The boy replied,"Mmmm yymmm mmms wmmm."
        "What's that?" asked the man.  "Say it again, please."
        The boy: "Mmmm yymmm mmms wmmm."
        The man:  "I'm sorry.  I just can't understand you.  Would you
speak a little more clearly?"
        At that, the boy cupped his palms, spat a large amount of
substance into them, and said clearly, "Keep your worms warm."
%
They think they can make fuel from horse manure...  Now I don't 
know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, 
but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.   

- Billie Holliday
%
* Warning: sick

A man telephones his office and says, "Sorry, I can't come into
work today, I'm sick."

"How sick are you?" asks his boss. "Well," he replies, "I'm in bed
with my sister."
%
        The two men stood on the lonely lighthouse.  Through the 
fog they could see a small boat making its way toward them, with 
a lonely occupant.  Suddenly a squall lifted the craft and tossed 
the man into the water.  The two men on shore sprang into action.  
Hurriedly they launched their own craft and fought their way 
through perilous and treacherous waters to reach the man.  At last 
they got him aboard their boat.
        "It's a good thing you rescued me," the dripping man said
gratefully.  "I was coming out to see you about your income tax."
%
Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil  Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
%
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing
interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental
and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that
night at dinner, she does.

About a week later she's back at the doctor.

She says, "Doc, the pill worked great!!  I put it in the potatoes like
you said! It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food
and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages
me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that
strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

"Naah... ", she says, "that's okay.  We aren't going back to that 
Restaurant anyway."
%
"Your honor, " explained the young man, "I'd like to get
married, please."
 
"All right, what is your age?"

"I'm 22, sir."
 
"And the age of the bride?"
 
"She's 15, sir."
 
"15???  That's too young -- marrying you would be against the
law!"
 
"I see, " said the young man.  "Could you try explaining that to
the fella next to her with the shotgun?"
%
Three guys are playing golf early on a Sunday morning.  Ahead of them is a
guy playing, and playing well, all by himself. As they all finished the
round the threesome went to the single player and asked if he'd like to join
them and make a foursome.
"Sure, said the player, I'll see you Sunday at 8 maybe 8:15."
Well next week the foursome got together at 8 and the new golfer in the
group shot left-handed and scorched the course with a 75. After the round
they all went to have something to eat and agreed to play as a foursome the
next Sunday. "You OK for next Sunday?" the three asked their new partner. He
said "Sure, see you at 8 maybe 8:15"
The next week they showed up and hit the course at 8 and the new golfer shot
right-handed and blew them all away with a 74.
Afterward they all went to get something to eat when one of the group asked
"You're incredible last week as a lefty and just as good this week as a
nightie, what is it that makes you decide to shoot right or left?" The
golfer looked them in the eye and said "My wife." Well the group was
puzzled.
He went on to say "I look at my wife as soon as I get up every morning and
if she is on her right side I shoot right, if she's on her left side I shoot
left."
The wise guy of the group said, "What if she's laying on her back?"
"Then maybe I'll see you at 8:15."
%
Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating
that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between
boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with
Johnny about this."   Johnny's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to
her bedroom, and closed the door.   She said, "First, Johnny, I want you to
take off my blouse."  Little Johnny unbuttoned her blouse and took it off.  
She continued, "Now take off my skirt."  He removed her skirt.   "Take off my
bra..." which he did.   "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties."  When
Johnny had finished removing his mother's panties, she said, "Johnny, PLEASE
don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
%
        One thing Larry says about his wife, she's a very neat
housekeeper.  If he drops his socks on the floor, she picks them up.
If he throws his clothes around, she hangs them up.  Larry got up at
three o'clock the other morning and went in the kitchen to get a 
glass of orange juice.  He came back and found the bed made.
%
One day, a scotsman went playing golf. After standing a while on the
green he asked the boy standing beside him:

"You are my caddie for today?"

"Yes," answered the boy.

"You are good in finding lost balls?"

"Oh yes, I find every lost ball!"

"Ok, boy, then run and search for one, then we can start!"
%
        A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row 
of a movie theater.   As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher 
came over and said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three
seats.  Didn't you learn any manners?  Where did you come from?"
        The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"
%
A ten year old boy was failing math.  His parents tried everything from
tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail.  Finally, at  the insistence of a
family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic
school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in
after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his
face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly
closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn
about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat,
and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room,
closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first
quarter report card.  The boy walked in with his report
card-unopened-laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.
Cautiously, his mother opened it and to her amazement, she saw a bright
red "A" under the subject of MATH.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at
his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father
asked.

The boy only shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it theone-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No." 

"The textbooks?  The teachers?  The curriculum?"

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in
the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,'
I just knew they meant business!"
%
"In English," the linguistics professor instructed his class, "a
double negative forms a positive.  In some languages, though, such as
Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double
positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
%
        Farmer Brown buys twelve pigs at an auction, only to discover
that they are all female.  He immediately calls Farmer Jones to ask if
he can bring them over to mate with Farmer Jones male pigs.
        "Sure," says Farmer Jones.
        Farmer Brown gathers his twelve pigs and loads them into the
truck.   When they get to the Jones farm, the pigs jump out and spend
the rest of the day mating with the males.  Before he leaves, Farmer
Brown says. "By the way, I've never had pigs before.  How will I know if
they're pregnant?"
        "Well," says Farmer Jones, 'look for signs of unusual behavior.
That's usually how you know."
        The next morning, Farmer Brown looks out his window and sees
nothing unusual.   So he loads the pigs up and brings them to the Jones
farm again.
        The following morning, the pigs are still behaving normally, so
once again he takes them to the Jones farm.
        The next morning he feels too discouraged to look out the
window. "Honey," he says to his wife, "would you mind telling me if our
pigs are doing anything unusual?"
        "Well," she says, "eleven of them are in the back of the truck,
and the twelfth one's honking the horn."
%
Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest The first has no arms
The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.They all
line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.The
guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is
closing fast.  The head of course sank straight to the bottom.Ten
lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first.  He can still
see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had
better dive down to rescue him.  He picks up the head, swims back up
to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon
the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches
his breath and shouts: "Three fucking years I've spent learning to
swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some
fucker puts a swimming cap on me"
%
Ok, there's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink He stays like 
that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-maker truck driver steps 
next to him, and drinks what he was stearing at. The poor man starts 
crying. The truck driver says:
--Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll pay you another drink. I 
just can't see a men crying.
--No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall a 
sleep, and I get late to my job. My boss, pissed, fires me. When I leave 
the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. In the police, they 
say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave 
it, I remember I left my walet and credit cards there. The cab driver 
just runs away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed 
with the gardener. I left home, to this bar. And when I was thinking 
about geting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison...
%
intaxication, n:
	Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize
	it was your money to start with.
%
Toddler Law of Ownership
    1. If I have it, it's mine
    2. If it's in my hand, it's mine
    3. If I can take it from you, it's mine
    4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine
    5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way
    6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine
    7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine
    8. If I think it's mine, it's mine
    9. If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine
    10.If I...! Oops, wait! I've been reading Microsoft's Business Plan!
%
What did the Zen Master say to the hot-dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything".
%
A man is caught, by a forest ranger, sitting at a makeshift campfire,
and, to the ranger's horror, eating a bald eagle. The man is
consequently jailed for the crime. On the day of his trail, the
conversation goes something like this:

JUDGE: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

MAN: "Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what
happened."

JUDGE: "Proceed."

MAN: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two
weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down
at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could
maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the eagle who lighted upon a
tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he
would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened
condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his
poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what
had happened, but figured that since I'd killed it, I might as well
eat it, since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the
ground. "And that was when the good ranger found me."

JUDGE: "The court will recess while we consider your testimony."
Fifteen minutes later ...

JUDGE: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you
didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges."
The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers, "If you don't mind
my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

MAN: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe
is it's somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."
%
An explorer in the deepest Amazon jungle finds himself surrounded
by a group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says
quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm dead meat." There is a ray of
light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT
dead meat. Quickly, pick up that stone at your feet and bash in
the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer
picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the
chief.  He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and
surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock, fear, and hatred
on their faces. The voice booms out again: "Okay ... NOW you're
dead meat." 
%
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he
had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of
the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn
breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he
thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezin
under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all
free and nibbling at the lush grass.

'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just
escaped.  Are you wild rabbits?

'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted
so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked.

'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots
growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.'

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most
succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?'

'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them
as well.'

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later
completely full.  'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,'
he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We
shag them.  Go and try it.'

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little
heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the
guys.

'That was fantastic,' he panted.

'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.

'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.'

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought
you liked it here.'

'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory.
I'm dying for a cigarette.'
%
		    Political Correctness

metabolically challenged:		dead
cerebrally challenged:			stupid
chronologically gifted:			old
client of the correctional system:	prisoner
economically marginalized:		poor
follicularly challenged:		bald
melanin-impoverished:			white
motivationally dispossessed:		lazy
person of substance:			fat person
vehicle-appearance specialist:		car washer
street activity index:			crime rate
fiscally challenged institution:	bankrupt savings and loan
residentially challenged:		homeless
aesthetically challenged:		ugly
geological correction:			earthquake
%
There was a group of russian soldiers close to a high ravine. The
sergeant goes close to the edge, looks down, then turns around and says:

- Soldier Ivanov!
- Sir!
- Put yourself in this position:

   O
*-------*
|  |    |
|  |    |
|  |    *
|  |
,--------
|        |
|        |
|
|
- Yes sir!
- Now jump!
- I'm sorry!!???
- I said JUMP, soldier!
- Yes sir!, (and jumps)


The Sergeant looks down to the abyss again, thinks for a while and says:

- Soldier Pyetrov!
- Sir!
- Move a little to your left!
- Yes sir!
- Put yourself in this position:

*
|
|
|
   O  |
,-----'
| |  |
| |  |
*----'
|  |
|--|
|  |
|  |
|  `-----
|
|
|

- Yes sir!
- Now jump!
- Yes sir!, (and jumps into the void...)


Again the sergeant looks down, thinks and yells:

- Soldier Sidorov!
- Sir!
- Move yourself a little to the right and kneel! - Yes sir! - Jump!
- Yes sir!, (and jumps)

The Sergeant analyses again the situation and says:

- Soldier Strogoff!
- Sir!
- Put yourself in this position:

     O
*-----------.
|  | |
|  | |
|  | |
|  | *
,-----------.
|           |
|           |

At that moment a jeep stops. The Captain gets up and yells:

- Sergeant Tchebychevich!!!, this is the last time that I warn you! Next
time I find you playing Tetris with the soldiers I'm going to send you
to Court Martial!
%
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female
teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about
thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it
was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys
would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet,
one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys
up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed for an elementary school child.  "I guess you must be in
the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
Thanks for the lift anyhow."
%
Dan Quayle, New Gingrich and Slick Willie are traveling together
through the midwest.  A tornado comes along and wisks them away to the
land of OZ, once they realize where they are, Dan Quayle says, "I'm
going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask
for a heart." Bill Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy ?"
%
I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
front of it in only eight minutes.
%
* Warning: religions involved

     A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was
the most religious.
     "I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the
Muslim. "Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought
my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and
deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the  Almighty Allah, I
prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the
storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning
to recite the Quran by memory."
     "One day while fishing," started the Christian, "I was in my little
dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from
nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up
and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I
prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had
stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young
children about Him."
     "One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, "I was in my
most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I
saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my
hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had
come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on
Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in God, I prayed and prayed and
suddenly,... for 500 meters all around me,... it was Tuesday!"
%
Two atoms were sitting there. 

One says: "Ooops, I lost an electron!" 

They other says: "You sure about that?" 

"Yeah ... I'm positive!" 
%
A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object. She asks the
clerk, "What is that shiny object?"

The clerk replies, "That is a thermos." The blonde then asks,
"What does it do?"

The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps keeps cold
things cold."

The blonde says, "I'll take it!"

The next day, she walks into work with her new thermos.

Her blonde boss sees her and asks, "What is that shiny object you
have?" 

She said, "It's a thermos."

The boss then says, "What does it do?"

She replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"

The blonde replies, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
%
"Doc, you've gotta help me... my wife just isn't interested in
sex anymore.  Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years.  Have you ever seen me this upset?
I am desperate!  I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going
utterly to Hell!  You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this.  These are experimental, but the
tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful.  Don't give her more
than ONE, understand?  JUST one."

"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..."

"One.  No more.  In her coffee.  Okay?"

"Um... okay."

Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife has
dinner waiting.  When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to
bring dessert.  Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his
pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee.  He reflects for a
moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill.  And then he begins to
worry.  The doctor did say they were powerful.  Then an inspiration
strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with
the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with
poorly concealed anticipation.  Sure enough, a few minutes after they
finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a
strange smoky look enters her eyes.  In a deep, throaty, near-whisper,
in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says,

"I... need... a man..."

His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me...too..."

%
Two friends meet in the street.  One looked forlorn and almost on the
verge of tears.  The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the
whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you.  Three weeks ago, an uncle died
and left me forty thousand dollars."

"That's not bad."

"Hold on, I'm just getting started.  Two weeks ago, a cousin I never
knew kicked the bucket and left me eighty-five thousand free and
clear."

"I'd like that."

"Last week my grandfather passed away.  I inherited almost a quarter
of a million."

"Then how come you look so glum?"

"This week - nothing!"
%
Two men were playing golf together for the very first time.
The first player teed off & hit the ball into a clump of trees.

He finally got on the fairway, only to hit the ball into a water
hazard.  The next shot resulted in a new ball flying over a
fence onto a busy street.

The second player said, "Maybe you should use an old ball
for this next shot."

The first player looked at him and replied, "I don't have any
old balls."
%
* well... 

An guy had been drinking at a pub all night.  The bartender finally
said that the bar is closing.  So the guy stood up to leave and
fell flat on his face.  He tried to stand one more time; same
result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to
crawl the 4 blocks to his home.  When he arrived at the door he stood
up and again fell flat on his face.  He crawled through the door and
into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.  This time
he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed
and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.  He was
awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
%
Jack decides to go skiing with his buddy Bob. They load up Jack's
station-wagon and head north. After driving for a few hours, they get
caught in a terrible blizzard. They pull into a nearby farmhouse and
ask the attractive lady of the house if they can spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explains, "and I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house." 

"Not to worry," Jack says, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack gets a letter from the widow's attorney. He
calls up his friend Bob and says, "Bob, do you remember that good
looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do." 

"Did you happen to get up in the middle  of the night, go up
to the house and have sex with her?" 

"Yes, I have to admit that I did." 

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turns red and he says, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks...she just died and left me everything!"
%
Who said males choose clothes randomly?
Research has uncovered the following complex algorithm.

             The Male Guide to Selecting an Outfit
            ---------------------------------------

 ----------       -----------              -------------------
| Are there| No  | Are there | "What's a  | Are there clothes |
|clothes in|---->|clothes in |  hamper?"  | strewn in random  |
| dresser? |     |the hamper?|----------->|piles on the floor?|
 ----------       -----------              -------------------
       | Yes           | Yes                | Yes       | No
       +------------------------------------            V
       |                                               -------
       V                                              |  Buy  |
   ---------------                                    |  more |
  | Take whatever |                                   |clothes|
  |   is on top   |                                    -------
   ---------------           -------------------------
       |                     |                       |
       V                     V                       |
   --------  No           ---------                -----------
  |   Is   |------------>| Perform | "Ohmigosh"   |  Spray    |
  |   it   | Not sure    |  smell  |------------->|   with    |
  | clean? |------------>|  test   |              | deodorant |
   --------               ---------                -----------
       | Yes                | "Not bad"
       +--------------------
       |
       V
   --------------                    ---------
  |For underwear:| "Which ones are  |Will they|   "I may get
  |Are there many|   for my legs?"  |   be    |    arrested."
  |    holes?    |----------------->| visible?|--------
   --------------                    ---------         |
       | No                           | No             V
       +------------------------------            -------------
       |                                         |Place item on|
       |                                         | dirty pile; |
       |                                         | start over  |
       |                                          -------------
       V
   ---------        ------------        ----------------------
  |  Is it  | Yes  |   Do you   | Yes  | But would you rather |
  |wrinkled?|----->|really care?|----->| have a tick on your  |
   ---------        ------------       | eyeball than iron a  |
       | No              | No          | shirt?               |
       |                 |              ----------------------
       |                 |                             | Yes
       +------------------------------------------------
       |
       V
   --------   Kinda             -------          -----------
  |  Does  |------------------>| Is it |  No    | Seek the  |
  |   it   |  "Does it what?"  |  dark |------->| advice of |
  | match? |------------------>|  out? |        | a female  |
   --------                     -------          -----------
       | Yes                      | Yes
       +--------------------------
       |
       V
   ----------
  |  Put on  |
  | clothes! |
   ----------
%
     The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the
Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.  "Nothing much
Pastor." replied the one lad.  "We just seeing who can tell the
biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys!  Boys!  Boys!" he intoned.  "I'm shocked.  Why when
I was your age, I never even thought about sex at all."

"You win!"
%
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town.  Somehow he
managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the
building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to
a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring the 
fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of 
the confessional.  But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy 
silence. 

Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" 

"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got 
any toilet paper on your side?" 
%
Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to 
retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured 
a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase 
market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.

Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive
in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was 
- a picture of Christ on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for 
Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails."

The old man immediately met with his 3 sons to voice his concern. 
He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company 
could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue that ad.

A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive
when he saw the second billboard ad. There it was - - a picture 
of the same cross, empty, with Christ crumpled on the ground below... 
and the caption: "Next Time Use Moskowitz Nails."
%
        A lady told her new maid, "I declare, I can write my full 
name in the dust you've left on this piano."
        "Bless my soul," answered the maid with delight.  "It's 
sure nice to be working for a lady with education!"
%
5 Worst Things About Being a Penis:
         1. You Have a Bald Head
         2. You Have a Hole in your Head
         3. Your Roommates are Nuts
         4. Your Neighbor is an Asshole
         5. When You Get Excited, You Throw Up and Pass Out.
%
Typical sex life of a Unix geek - touch..finger..mount..coredump..umount..sleep

%
* Ethnic

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm
based in Dublin.  An American applied for the same job and both
applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by
the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but
we've decided to give the American the job"

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that?  We both got 9 questions
correct.  This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on
the question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the
other?"

Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question # 5, "I don't
know".  You put down "Neither do I ".
%
A worried father confronted his daughter one night.  "I don't like
that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid too."

"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've
only been going out nine weeks and he's already cured me of that
illness I used to get once a month."
%
A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that
he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really
love to see your handsome face."  James replied, "My wife loves
this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!"  "Oh
please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice..."Oh
really, I can't," he replies.."My wife loves this beard!!"  The
girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in.

That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was
sleeping.  The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies
"Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"
%
A man decides to have a face lift for  his  birthday. He  spends $5,000 and
feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand
and buys a paper. Before leaving he  says to the sales clerk, "I hope you
don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the
same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She  replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was
young there was a sure way of telling a man's age.  If I put my hand down
your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell
your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her
slip her hand down his pants.  Ten minutes later the old lady says,
"OK, it's done. You are 47."  Stunned the man says, "That was
brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
%
Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large
suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.

After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the
elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75
flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant
task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25
flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell
sad stories for the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At
the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in
the car!"
%
When we talk to God, it's called prayer.
When God talks back, it's called schizophrenia.
%
        Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the
estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his
foreman.  Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the
earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the landlord asked, "Didn't you 
like the muffs?...perhaps they weren't the right color?"
        The foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty."
        Why don't you wear them?"
        The foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, 
but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didn't hear him!"
%
A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that
they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside
and asks what is wrong, "Well," replied the man "when we had finished
making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put
a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend "I'm sure
your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have
been saving yourself all these years!" The groom nodded gently and said,
"I don't know if I can get over it though, she gave me $20 change!"
%
As soon as they finished making love, Susie jumped up from the bed and
started packing her suitcase.

"What on Earth are you doing ?" asked her puzzled husband.

"In Las Vegas I could get two hundred dollars for what I gave you for
free," she pointed out, "so I'm moving to Las Vegas."

This was enough to provoke her husband to jump up and begin packing
his bags.

"What're you up to?" asked Susie in surprise.

"I'm following you to Las Vegas," he replied.  "I've got to see you
live off six hundred dollars a year."
%
New York-People for Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced
today that seven more software companies have been added to the
group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software
testing.

"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that 
companies like these can market new products," said Ken Grandola, 
spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products 
are available."

According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthy
and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a time.
Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary,
and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the
software.

"It's no joke," said Grandola. "Innocent programs, from the day they
are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and "crashed" for hours on
end.  They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers,
and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore."

Grandola said the software is kept in unsanitary Windows and is
infested with bugs.

"We know that alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing 
industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become 
successful without resorting to software testing.
%
A man walks into a bar and say's to his mate :
      'I have a problem: when I was a kid I would get told off and
sent to my room, but I can't do that with my son. he has a Hi fi
system, a CD player, a telephone and a computer.'
     'So what do you do?'
     'I send him to my room'
%
Jim goes into a confessional and says "Forgive me Father, for I have
sinned, last night I had sex with a woman who is not my wife."

The Priest says "Son, I cannot grant you absolution unless you tell me
her name. Who was this woman?"
Jim says "Father, forgive me but I cannot tell you her name."

The Priest says "Was it that red-haired hussey Maureen O'Flahherty?"
"Father, forgive me but I cannot tell you her name."

The Priest says "Was it that adulterous Sheila Calhoun?"
"Father, forgive me but I cannot tell you her name."

The Priest says "Was it that brazen Mary Callaghan?"
"Father, forgive me but I cannot tell you her name."

The Priest says "Was it that wicked woman Kathleen O'Connor?"
"Father, forgive me but I cannot tell you her name."

The Priest says "Well, if you will not tell me her name, I cannot
grant you absolution. Begone!"

So Jim leaves the church and meets his friend Jonno outside.

Jonno says "Hey Jim, you're not a Catholic, surely you weren't trying to
get absolution?"

Jim says "Nah, just picking up some tips..."
%
Squiffy goes to see the doctor and tells him he has a problem with his
waterworks. When asked to explain more, Suiff drops his trousers and
shows the doctor that he has had his penis pierced. The problem is
that when he takes a leak it goes in several directions at once. The
doctor says he will recommend him to an expert and begins to write a
note.  Squiff ask if the expert in on Harley Street and the doctor
replied "No, he's a clarinet player in the London Philharmonic".
%
* Warning: ethnic references

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York.  One sat
in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.  Just before takeoff
a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the
Arabs.  He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in
when the Arab in the window seat said,

"I think I'll go up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Israeli.  "I'll get it for you."  While he was
gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it.  When the
Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said,

"That looks good.  I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone
the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it.  The Israeli
returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short
flight to New York.

As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked.  "This enmity between our
peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes
and peeing in cokes?"
%
Giving instructions to a group of his soldiers, a Mafia Boss
said, "I want the guy shot; then put him in a barrel and fill
it with cement; then toss him in the East River.  And, oh
yeah... make it look like an accident."
%
These are purportedly from actual military "squawk sheets." Squawk
sheets are maintenance forms filed by the flight crews to inform the
maintenance crews of problems with the aircraft.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
       Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
       Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
       Solution 1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
       Solution 2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
       Solution: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
       Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
       Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
       Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
       Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
       Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
       Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
       Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
       Solution: That's what they're there for.
%
An elderly gentleman was in the hospital close to dying.  His dear
wife of 50 years decided to clean out the car in hopes of selling it.
She found two beer bottles and a bag containing $10,000.

That night, when visiting, she asked about the bottles.  He replied
"every time I was unfaithful to you, I drank a bottle of beer." So the
old lady thinks "well, twice in 30 years is not bad".  Then she asked
"where did the $10,000 in the bag come from?"  "Well" said the old
fellow "I had to take back some of the empties".
%
Pat came to tell Mrs. O'Flaherty about her husband' s untimely drowning
in a vat of beer at the brewery.
"Oh, the poor man" she sobbed, "Please, tell me, did he suffer much?" 
"I don't think so mum; he came out three times to pee!"
%
A man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident.  The next day two grim
policemen turned up at his door and said "We're sorry to disturb you,
but we have some information about your wife." 

"Well, tell me then!" the man said.

The policeman said, "Do you want the bad, the good or the great news
first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news
first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay." 

"Oh my God!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome with emotion. Then,
remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good
news?" 

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two
five-pound lobsters and a dozen good-size Dungeoness crabs on
her."

"If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" Mr.  Wilkens
demanded. 

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow
morning."
%
A lawyer's wife dies.

At the cemetery, people are appalled to see
that the tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D.,
Wills, Divorce, Malpractice."

Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears.  His brother says, "You should
cry, pulling a stunt like this!"

Through his tears, Murray croaks, "You don't understand!  They left
out the phone number!"
%
Did you hear the Surgeon General's latest product advisory?  Liquor
bottles will carry the phrase, "Warning: alcohol can make members of
the opposite sex appear for more attractive than they actually are."
%
Bert was the chargehand on a rather large property out west. One day
he needed some work done on one of the farm boundaries, so he called
in Bill, one of his stockmen.

"Bill, I want you to go out to Bennett's boundary and fix the fence
there.  You can take the four-wheel drive and if you have any trouble
give me a call on the radio."

So Bill set off. About ten hours later Bert got a call on the two-way.
 
"Boss, this is Bill.  I've got a bit of a problem."

"Yes, mate, what is it?"

"Well, I was driving along in the four-wheel drive and I ran into a
pig."
 
"So, what's the problem?"

"Well, he got stuck in the bullbars and he's still alive and kicking
and squealing so much that I can't get him free."

"Okay mate. In the back of the vehicle you'll find a .303. Take it
out.  Put the muzzle up close to the pig's head and shoot it. It'll go
all limp, and you'll be able to get it off the bullbar. Then drag it
into the bush and leave it there."
 
"Okay boss, I'll do that. Thanks for your help."

About a quarter of an hour later there was another call. "Yes Bill,
what is it?"

"Well, I took out the .303, shot the pig in the head and he went limp
like you said. And I got him off the bullbar and dumped him in the
bush but I still can't go on."

"Why not, mate?"

"Well, it's his motorbike. It's still stuck under the four-wheel drive."
%
The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a
hotdog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who
pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my
change?" asks the Zen Master. 

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
%
The very young couple, having limited funds, returned to her parents
after the wedding for their honeymoon night.  The next morning the
family gathered for breakfast and lunch without them.

When it came time for the evening meal, the father asked of his wife
and their 8 year old son, "Have any of you see the newlyweds?"

The mother replied she had not seen her daughter and new son-in-law.
The bride's younger brother replied that he had seen his new
brother-in-law about 10 PM when he stuck his head out the door and ask
him if he knew where there was any Vaseline.  The parents, a little
embarrassed, waited for the rest of the story.  

"Well?" the father finally said impatiently when the boy continued
eating.  "Oh," said the boy.  "I couldn't find any Vaseline so I gave
him my model airplane glue."
%
Years ago, there was a famous deli in New York.  The owner had a big
heart and frequently hired refugees from other countries.

One day, a new patron came in and was waited on by a young man from
Thailand, who conversed in perfect Yiddish.  The customer was so
impressed, he found the owner.

"I'm very impressed with your waiter, but where'd he learn Yiddish?"
he asked the owner.

"Shhh" the owner replied.  "He thinks I'm teaching him English!"
%
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.  A man
comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this
beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer:  Some things you just can't explain.

Man:  So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer:  Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her.  Just as I got
the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man:  Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer:  Some things you just can't explain.

Man:  So what happened then?

Farmer:  I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man:  and then?

Farmer:  Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her.  Just as I got
the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man:  Again?

Farmer:  Some things you just can't explain.

Man:  So, what did you do then?

Farmer:  I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on
the right.

Man:  and then?

Farmer:  Well, I sat back down and began milking her again.  Just as
got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with
her tail.

Man:  Hmmm...

Farmer:  Some things you just can't explain.

Man:  So, what did you do?

Farmer:  Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and
tied her tail to the rafter.  In that moment, my pants fell down and
my wife walked in.....
%
An guy was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini,
"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

    "Get away from me, you crazy man" she replied.

    "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.

    "Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

    "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he 
stated.

    "NO! Get away from me!"

    "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.

    She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, 
"I said NO!"

    "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.

    She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and
$500 IS a lot of money....  "Well, OK...but only for a minute."
	
    She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on
the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he
started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was
caressing them.

    Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god,
oh my god'?"

    While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY
GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred
dollars?"
%
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in 
the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring 
with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several 
hands went up, and many important things were suggested 
such as food, matches, etc. 

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes 
Timmy, what are the three most important things you would 
bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. 

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck
of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right 
direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master 
impatiently. 

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is 
bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on 
top of that black ten!"
%
* ethnic

There were these three guys, a Polish guy, an Italian guy, and a
Jewish guy who all worked together at a factory.  Everyday they notice
that their boss leaves work a little early.

So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves
early, they'll all leave early too.  Sure enough the boss left and so
did they.

The Jewish guy goes home and goes to bed so he can get an early start
the next morning.  The Italian guy goes home and cooks dinner for his
family.  The Polish guy goes home and walks to his bedroom.  He opens
the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss so he shuts the
door and leaves.

The next day the Italian and Jewish guys are talking and plan to go
home early again.  They ask the Polish guy if he wants to leave early
again too and he replies, "Hell NO!."

Puzzled, they ask him, "why not?!"  Polish guy says, "'Cuz yesterday
I almost got caught.
%
Three women are sitting in the obstetrician's waiting room. All three
are very pregnant and busy knitting baby clothes. The first woman
stops knitting and reaches into her handbag, pulls out a handful of
pills and swallows them. "Must have my vitamins," she says, "healthy
pills for a healthy baby."

They all continue knitting for a while when the second woman stops,
reaches into her handbag, pulls out a handful of pills and swallows
them. "Must have my vitamins," she says, "healthy pills for a healthy
baby."

They all continue knitting again, when the third woman stops, reaches
into her handbag, pulls out a handful of pills and swallows them.

"Healthy pills for a healthy baby?" the first two women ask?

"No," she replies, "Thalidomide, I can't knit sleeves."
%
A priest is sitting in his confessional and hears an old man's voice
on the other side of the screen.  The old man says, "Father, I'm
eighty-one years old, I've been married to the same woman for
fifty-four years, and have always been faithful.  But yesterday, I
made wild, passionate love with a pair of lovely eighteen-year-old
twin sisters."

The priest asks, "When was the last time you went to confession?"

The old man replies, "Never...I'm Jewish."

The priest is puzzled.  "Then why did you come here today to tell me
this?"

The old man says, "Oh...heck...I'm telling everybody!!!"
%
* warning: religious characters 

A priest and a minister walked into a bar.  After sitting down,
ordering, and some chit chat the priest said, "Have you noticed there
are no women in this bar?"  He then realized the truth, "I think we're
in a gay bar."
 
A man approached and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest was
dumbfounded, and didn't know what to do.  The minister leaned over and
whispered something in the man's ear.  The man nodded and walked off.
 
The relieved priest said, "Thanks.  What did you tell him?"

The minister replied, "I just told him we're on our honeymoon."
%
* warning: religious material

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found
it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of
Galilee.  "Mon," he said, "anywhere in Scotland it would have been
cheaper."

"Perhaps," said the travel agent, "but remember, the Sea of Galilee is
the water on which our Lord walked."

"Oh, my," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder he walked."
%
* warning: sensitive persons should avoid it

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop"
grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if
he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog.  It's very powerful and
if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick.  In fact, it might even
kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the
counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him
out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.
The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the  boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the
dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on
your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that
killed him."

"Oh?  What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"
%
* Religious material

A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood.   Every Friday the
Catholics go crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the
Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew
to convert him.

Finally,  by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed.  They take
the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones:
....."Born a Jew ......Raised a Jew ......Now a Catholic."

The Catholics are ecstatic.  No more delicious, but maddening smells
every Friday evening.  But the next Friday evening, the scent of
barbecue wafts through the neighborhood.  The Catholics all rush to
the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet.  They see him
standing over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat
and saying: ....."Born a cow ......Raised a cow ......Now a fish."
%
* explicit politics

Q. Why Pakistan could not conduct a N-test following the Indian
N-Tests?

A: The user manual was written in Chinese!
%
Baltimore is one of the few towns I know of where you can park your
car, walk a couple of blocks, and find it for sale.
%
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was
suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all
attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he
turned and ran as fast as he could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the
edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear
closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees,
opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give
this bear some *religion*!"

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a
few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop,
and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said,
"Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."
%
One day three couples in a minivan are heading to Yellowstone National
Park on a vacation. One couple is from Nebraska, one is from Kansas,
and one is from Iowa. They stop at a little cafe on the side of the
road for breakfast.  Their waitress serves them their food, and the
husband from Nebraska says, "could you pass the honey honey?"  to whom
his wife, hands over the honey.  Then, the husband from Kansas says "
Could you pass the sugar sugar?" and she passes him the sugar.  The
Iowan husband sits there for a minute, then looks at his wife and says
"Wanna pass me the bacon, pig?"
%
* religions featured 

Three Catholic women and an older Jewish lady were having coffee.  The
first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest.  When he
walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"

The second woman chirps, "My son is a bishop.  Whenever he walks into a
room, people call him 'Your Grace'."  

The third old woman says "My son is a cardinal.  Whenever he walks into 
a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'".  

As the little old Jewish lady sips her coffee in silence, the first
three give her this subtle "Well...?" look, so she says: "My son is
6'5"; he has broad, square shoulders, lean hips and is very muscular;
he's terribly handsome, has beautiful hair, dresses very well and
always smells wonderful.  Whenever he walks into a room, women say 'Oh,
my God...'.
%
The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of the
worst possible opening line of a book.  This has been so successful that
Penguin now publishes five books-worth of entries.

Some recent winners:

"With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned,
unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep
azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied
for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that
defied description."

"Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was
about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon -- to
become the woman he loved."

"Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often
do."

"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the
greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window,
revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in
frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her,
disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You
lied!"
%
He's so technical though -- my dentist.  Mrs JimJr had a
tooth replaced, and she insisted that it match perfectly. 

It did.  The thing even had a cavity.
%
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out 
and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd 
like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a big decision! Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah,... and they're in favor 15 to 2."
%
My other brother-in-law died.  He was a karate expert, then joined the
army.  The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
%
* Warning: sex

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports
car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down.
Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse.  She goes up to the
farmhouse and knocks on the door.

When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and
my car broke down!  I don't know what to do!  Can I stay here for the
night until tomorrow when I can get some help?  "Well," drawls the
farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons
Jed and Luke."  She looks through the screen door and sees two men
standing behind the farmer.  She judges them to be in the early
twenties.  "Okay", she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a
little hot just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her.
So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you
like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"  She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get
pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers."  She puts them on the
boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.

	----

Twenty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch,
rocking bak and forth.

Jed says, "Luke?"

Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"

Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty
years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"

"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.

"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not".

"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
%
 Five reasons to believe computers are male:
 
 1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
 2. As soon as you have one, a better model is right around the corner.
 3. They look attractive-until you take them home.
 4. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
 5. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
 
 Five reasons to believe computers are female:
 
 1  No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
 2. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
    future reference.
 3. The native language used to communicate with other
    computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
 4. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as
    informative as,  "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm
    certainly not going to tell you."
 5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
    yourself spending  half your paycheck on accessories for it.
%
* religions involved

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome.  The 
Rabbi notices an unusually  fancy phone on a side table in the
Pope's private chambers.

     "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

     "It's my direct line to the Lord!"

     The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father
insists that the Rabbi trys it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the
Lord.   The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.

     After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is
great!   But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."  

     The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and
finally, the pontiff gives in.  He checks the counter on the phone and says: 
"Allright!  The charges were 100,000 Lira."

     The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.  A few months 
later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit.  In the
Chief  Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it
also is a direct line to the Lord.  The Pope remembers he has an urgent 
matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the 
Rabbi's phone.

     The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats 
away.  After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone
charges. 

     The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" 

     The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?!"

     The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."
%
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her
husband in bed with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to
storm  out of the house, he stopped her with these words.  "Before you
leave, I  want you to know how this all came about. Driving down the
highway I saw  this young girl looking tired and bedraggled, so I
stopped, and brought her  home.  Then I made her a meal from the roast
beef you had forgotten in the fridge. She had some old worn out
sandals on her feet so I gave her  a pair of good shoes you had
discarded because they'd gone out of style.  She was cold so I gave
her the jumper I bought you for your birthday that you never wore
because  the colour didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn so I gave
her a pair of  yours that were perfectly good, but too small for you
now.  Then as she was  about to leave the house, she paused and asked,
'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"
%
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her
class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student
to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with

"This was England's finest hour."

Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations said the teacher you may go home."

The teacher then said,

"Ask not what your country can do for you."

Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out,

"John F. Kennedy".

"Very good" says the teacher, "you may go."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny
said, "I wish those little twits would just shut the hell up."

Upon overhearing this rude comment, the outraged teacher demanded
to know who said it.

Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton."

"I'll see you Monday..."
%
*warning: politically incorrect  

Q:What do you do when your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you?

A:Shorten the chain.
%
These three guys - an American, Chinese, and German - were shipwrecked
on a desert island.  The German found this smokey bottle. So he
brought it back to the other two and they all opened it together (the
German was a really nice guy). Well, low and behold, a GENIE POPPED
OUT! The genie granted them each one wish, and of course all three
wanted to be back home. So the genie said he would grant them their
wishes.

"But first, you must all do me a favor. Mr. American - I want you to
built me a restaurant here.  Mr. German - you will make the kitchen
for this restaurant. Mr. Chinaman- you will get the supplies for the
restaurant. I have a hot date waiting for me in Bagdad, so I have to
go. But I will return in ONE MONTH. At that time, if you satisfied my
requirements, I will grant your wishes."

So for one month, the three men American and German toiled while the
Oriental kinda lazed around and gave a helping hand to the other
two. Then about 4 days before the genie's expected return, the
Oriental disappeared.  Well, the genie came back, just as he promised,
and asked to be shown what they had done.  He was amazed by the
restaurant! Five dining rooms, a tremendous main lobby - all made of
bamboo! It was a magnificent feat. As for the kitchen - full utensils,
running gas stoves, pots, pans - all made from shells, bamboo, and
coconuts. An absolute wonder!

"But where are the supplies from Mr. Chinaman?"

The two men said they didn't know. All they knew was that he had
disappered a few days ago and they hadn't seen hide nor hair of him
since then. Suddenly from the shadows, out leaped the Oriental,
shouting in a loud voice:

"SUPLISE!!!!!!!!!"
%
* offensive to some religions

A priest, minister and rabbi were playing their usual Wednesday round
of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections.

Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of
the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.

The minister explains: "I draw a circle aroung myself and toss the
money in the air.  Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself.
What ever lands outside the circle, I give to God."

The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that whatever
lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the
circle I keep for my personal needs."

The rabbi then proclaims: "I use the same method, as well.  Except, that
when I toss the money in the air, and I figure that whatever God wants he
can take."
%
Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
		-- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
%
GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE   

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.  In order to
better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the
following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless
you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.


1. How did you find out about God?

   __ Newspaper                    __ Other Book
   __ Television                   __ Divine Inspiration
   __ Word of mouth                __ Near Death Experience
   __ Tabloid                      __ Burning Shrubbery
   __ Bible                        __ Other
   __ Torah                           (specify): _____________

2. Which model God did you acquire?

   __ Yoweh                        __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet
   __ Jehova                       __ Jesus
   __ Allah                        __ Satan
   __ God                          __ None of the above, I was taken
   __ G_d                             in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
   order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

   __ Yes                          __ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
   ____________________

4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god?
   Please check all that apply.

   __ Indoctrinated by parents       __ Needed a reason to live
   __ Indoctrinated by society       __ Needed focus in who to despise
   __ Imaginary friend grew up       __ Hate to think for myself
   __ Wanted to meet girls/boys      __ Fear of death
   __ Wanted to piss off parents     __ Needed a day away from work
   __ Desperate need for certainty   __ Like Organ Music
   __ Need to feel Morally Superior  __ My shrubbery caught fire and
                                        told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a God before?  Is so, which false god were
   you fooled by?  Please check all that apply.

   __ Odin                          __ Cthulhu
   __ Zeus                          __ The Almighty Dollar
   __ Apollo                        __ Left Wing Liberalism
   __ Ra                            __ Barney T.B.P.D.
   __ The great Spirit              __ The Great Pumpkin
   __ The Sun                       __ Bill Clinton
   __ The Moon                      __ A burning cabbage
   __ The Bomb                      __ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
   to God?  Please check all that apply.

   __ Tarot                        __ Lottery
   __ Astrology                    __ Television
   __ Fortune cookies              __ Ann Landers
   __ Psychic Friends Network      __ Dianetics
   __ Palmistry                    __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
   __ Self-help books              __ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
   __ Biorythms                    __ Bill Clinton
   __ Tea Leaves                   __ EST
   __ Mantras                      __ Jimmy Swaggert
   __ Crystals                     __ Human Sacrifice
   __ Pyramids                     __ Wandering around a desert
   __ Insurance policies           __ Burning Shrubbery
   __ Barney T.B.P.D.              __ Other: _____________________
   __ Barney Fife                  __ None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
   balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.  Which would you
   prefer (circle one)?

   a. More Divine Intervention
   b. Less Divine Intervention
   c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
   d. Don't know ... what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
   miracles.  Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
   following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

   a. Disasters
          flood                     1   2   3   4   5
          famine                    1   2   3   4   5
          earthquake                1   2   3   4   5
          war                       1   2   3   4   5
          pestilence                1   2   3   4   5
          plague                    1   2   3   4   5
          SPAM                      1   2   3   4   5
          AOL                       1   2   3   4   5

   b. Miracles
          rescues                   1   2   3   4   5
          spontaneous remissions    1   2   3   4   5
          stars hovering over towns 1   2   3   4   5
          crying statues            1   2   3   4   5
          water changing to wine    1   2   3   4   5
          walking on water          1   2   3   4   5
           (other than the Hudson)
          talking flaming shrubbery 1   2   3   4   5
          VCRs that set their own   1   2   3   4   5
            clocks
          Saddam Husein still alive 1   2   3   4   5
          Cubs winning the Series   1   2   3   4   5
          Clinton's re-election     1   2   3   4   5

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
   quality of God's services?  (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
%
For perfect happiness, remember two things:
	(1) Be content with what you've got.
	(2) Be sure you've got plenty.
%
			-- Gifts for Men --

Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy.  But you
should never buy them clothes.  Men believe they already have all the
clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous.  For
example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
three of them.  He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
years without being laughed at.  If you give him a new tie, he will
pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.

If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires.  More
than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
of tires.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%
"Here's something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like
`Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
		-- Jay Leno
%
"You see, that's one of the great things about getting involved with
someone from another country -- you can't take it personally.  What's
really terrific is that when _we_ act in ways which might objectively
be considered incredibly obnoxious or annoying, they don't get upset
at all, they don't take it personally, they just assume it's some
national characteristic."

  -- from Whit Stillman's film "Barcelona"
%
This bloke had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned
something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender,
concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked
inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going
at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back
inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to
check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend
entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?"
the bartender asked.

"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's
me!"
%
An extremely shy fellow once brought his date a bouquet of flowers.
She threw her arms around him and kissed him long and hard.  After the
kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

She exclaimed, "Oh!  I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."

"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going to buy ya some jewelry."
%
"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."
		-- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
%
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at
the door. When he answers, a tramp asks him for a tooth-pick.  He
gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock.  When he answers, there
is a second tramp who also asks for a toothpick.  He gets his
toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third tramp.  The landlord
says "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too".

"No, a straw".

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious why he wants it, so he asks
the tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

"Someone  has thrown up outside but all the good stuff's gone already"
%
If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit
in my name at a Swiss bank.
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day.

One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.  At
the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.  When
they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, "Hey, we need
one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give
me a bid?"

So to the back fence they all went. First to step up was the Florida
contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and
said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900, $400 for materials, $400
for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil,
did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700.
$300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2700."

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure
like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy.  $1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas.
%
* some explicit sexual material present

An old bull wasn't doing his job anymore. His owner tells another
farmer that he might have to sell the old boy to a meat packer. The
second farmer suggests he contact a new vet some 32 miles
away--perhaps there are new things to help rejuvenate the old bull.

The bull's owner returns from the vet with a bottle of a new virility
tonic. After just one dose the old bull mounted every female in his
pasture, jumped a fence and put his plunger in all of the neighbor's
cows! Then the farmer found him trying to mount the front end of a
tractor!

A week later the farmer ran into the one who suggested the new vet,
who asked how the old bull was doing?

After hearing about the old bull's excellent behavior since taking the
tonic, he asled, "What's the hell's in that stuff?"

"I'll be damned if I know," the bull's owner replied, "but it tastes
like licorice."
%
- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

- Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

- Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding

- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...

- 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
%
"The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day
they start making vacuum cleaners" - Ernst Jan Plugge
%
A man walks into a shop and says, "I'd like six brown eggs in a white
paper bag, and six white eggs in a brown paper bag please."

The assistant says "You're a bus driver aren't you?"

The man says " Yes. How can you tell?"

The assistant replies, " You've still got your uniform on."
%
	If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
around your home are too difficult to tackle.  So, when your furnace
explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it.  The
"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
	And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I.  How
difficult can it be?"
	Very difficult.  In fact, most home projects are impossible,
which is why you should do them yourself.  There is no point in paying
other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
yourself for far less money.  This article can help you.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come
into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish
between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which
will only make it mushy.
		-- Mark Twain
%
In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
%
* warning: heavy mathematics

Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
%
A guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford. He played
it cool, and he didn't make any moves towards her for several weeks.
Finally, one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical
relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Cindy said she
was game and a very vigorous sexual relationship began.

Everything was great for about 4 months. One day, the guy went to
Cindy and said, "I'm having this problem. It's kind of a guy thing,
but I need to ask you a favor."

Cindy said, "Okay."

The guy said, "Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?"

Cindy looked at him a little funny, but said, "Yeah, OK"

The guy then said, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a
moustache on you?"

Cindy is getting a little worried, but says, "Okay."

Then the guy said, "Can you wear some of my guy clothing, I need for
you to look more like a man."

Cindy disappointed at this point, but says, "There'd better be a good
reason for all this..."

Then the guy says to Cindy, "Do you mind if I call you Fred?"

Cindy, very dejected, says, "If you must."

So, the guy reaches out and grabs Cindy by the arms and says, "Fred,
you won't believe who I've been sleeping with these past four months!"
%
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
	No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
%
Jimmy Johnson has put together the perfect Dolphins team for '98.  The
only thing he's missing is a good quarterback to replace the injured
Dan Marino.  He has scouted all the colleges, and even the high
schools, but; can't seem to find a ringer quarterback that will ensure
a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he sees a war zone in Palestine.
In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spots a young
Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm.  First, he throws a hand
grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away --
ka-BOOM!  Next, he throws another hand grenade into a group of about
10 soldiers a good 110 yards away -- ka-BLOOEY!  Then, a car passes
going 90 miles an hour-bulls-eye!  Another grenade right into the
barely open window.

"I've got to get this guy," Jimmy says to himself.  "He has the
perfect arm!"

So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of
football.  Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for
completed passes, accuracy, and touchdowns.  The Dolphins go on to
handily win the Super Bowl.

The young Israeli is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXV and
when Jimmy asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is
call his mother. Jimmy arranges for the call and hands the phone to
his young quarterback: "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I
just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says.  "You deserted us.
You're no longer my son."

"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads.  "I just
won the greatest sporting event in the world!  I'm in the middle of
thousands of adoring fans."

"No, let ME tell YOU," the mother implores.  "At this very moment,
there are gun shots all around us.  The neighborhood is a pile of
rubble.  Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life
last week, and this week your sister was attacked in broad
daylight...."  The old lady pauses, in tears. "...I'll never forgive
you for moving us to Miami.
%
* warning: religion

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing
staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time,
so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the
plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off
the plaque.  "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service",
replied the pastor.  Soberly, they stood together staring up at the
large plaque.  "Which one sir,  the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
%
Leibowitz's Rule:
	When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
hold the hammer with both hands.
%
Let us live!!!
Let us love!!!
Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!

You first.
%
The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently
been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the
government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant
through the first five years of her marriage may request the service
of a proxy father- a government employee who attempts to solve the
couple's problem by impregnating the wife.  The Smiths, a young
couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving
for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here
soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the
bell................

Ms Smith: "Good morning." 
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come
          to..." 
Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you. 
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies,
          especially twins." 
Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
	  have a seat." 
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?" 
Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is
	  the right thing to do." 
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it." 
Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?" 
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,
	   one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes
	  the living room floor allows the subject to really spreadout." 
Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for
	  Harry and me." 
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every
	  time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven
	  angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In
	  fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"
Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?" 
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take
	  his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
	  disappointed with that." 
Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?" 
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look
	  at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in
	  downtown London."
Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!" 
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They
	  turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so
	  difficult to work with." 
Ms Smith: "She was?" 
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde
	  Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such
	  impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and 
	  five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?" 
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so
	  excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the
	  crowd. I couldn't
	  concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain
	  her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my
	  shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just 
	  packed it all in. 
Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?" 
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my
	  work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented
	  technique. Now take this baby, I shot this
	  one in the front window of a big department store." 
Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it." 
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that
	  we can get to work."
Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?" 
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment
	  on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm
	  shooting. Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted! 
%
Lewis's Law of Travel:
	The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
anyone, ever.
%
More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads.  One
path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total
extinction.  Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Describe software professional in "C".
 
 Answer:
 
struct SoftwareProfessional {
	double salary;
	long   lunches;
	float  jobs;
	char   unstable;
	void   work;
};
%
	Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
tool sets for under $4?"  An excellent question.
	Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
administration.  In either the hardware or housewares department,
you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
that Americans might use around the home.  Buy it.
	This is the kind of tool set professionals use.  Not only is it
inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
direct sunlight.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
Driving to work this morning on I-95 I look over to my left and
there's this woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face
up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eye liner!

I look away for a couple seconds and when I look back she's halfway
over in my lane.

Scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee."
%
Two guys trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two 
terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but
where it's supposed to go. 
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we play
through?" 
The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back. 
The first guy says, "What's wrong?" 
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress." 
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." 
He gets about halfway there and comes back. 
The second guy says, "What's wrong?" 
The first guy says, "Small world."
%
Never express yourself more clearly than you think.
	      --  Niels Bohr.
%
A Scotsman, upon finishing his business in the outhouse, was pulling up his
pants when a quarter slipped from his pocket, bounced once on the lid, and
fell into the hole.
Peering ruefully into the hole, he muttered to himself, "For a quarter,
Nae."
He then dug into his pocket and reluctantly withdrew another quarter, let
it fall into the hole to join the first, and remarked as he reached into
the hole, "But for 50 cents, aye!"
%
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am 
Napoleon!"

Another one said, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!"
%
Two storks on a nest, a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying
and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry Son,
your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and
making them happy."

     The next night, its fathers turn to do the job.

     "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's
bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

     A few days later, the stork parents are desperate, their son is
gone from the nest all night. Finally, shortly before dawn, he returns
and the parents ask their son where he had been all night.

     Says the baby stork, "Awww, just scaring the shit out of college
kids!"
%
Two men were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a
better chance of catching something.

The first man says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into
the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."
 
After about three hours, the second man finds he is really lost. He
decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He
then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of
ammo.

The next morning, the first man finds the second with the help of forest
rangers. He asks the first man if he did what he told him to do.
 
The man answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on
the hour until I ran out of arrows."
%
An electrician, a carpenter and a brick layer are on a building site
eating their lunch. The first one opens his lunchbox and exclaims " I
don't believe it - tuna sandwiches again!! If I get tuna tomorrow, I'm
going to climb up the scaffolding and jump off!"

The carpenter opens his lunchbox and exclaims "Would you believe it -
cheese sandwiches again! If I get cheese tomorrow, I'm going to climb up
the scaffolding and jump off!"

The bricklayer opens his lunchbox and exclaims " Oh no - ham sandwiches
again! If I get ham tomorrow, I'm going to the top and jumping off as
well!"

The next day, they all sit down to lunch. the electrician opens his
lunch. " I don't believe it - tuna!" Goes up the scaffolding, jumps off,
dead. 

The carpenter opens his. "Oh no - cheese!" Climbs up, jumps off, dead.

The bricklayer opens his. "Oh no - ham!" Climbs up, jumps off, dead.

Week later the funeral takes place. The priest is comforting the widows.
The electrician's widow is crying and says to him "I don't understand
it. If only he had told me, I would have given him something different!"

Priest goes to carpenter's widow. "I don't understand it either, if he
had told me I would have packed something different!"

Bricklayers widow is crying and exclaims "I REALLY don't understand it,
mine made his own sandwiches!!
%
A sailor has sex with a Hong Kong hooker and a week later he goes to a
doctor because his penis has turned yellow, purple and green. The
doctor takes a look and says, "Well, it's pretty bad. We'll have to
amputate." "No way!", says the sailor. He runs out and thinks,
"Hmm... Chinese girl - Chinese doctor."  So, he goes to Chinatown and
finds a Chinese herbalist. The herbalist takes a look.

The sailor says, "Hey doc, the previous doctor said he'd have to
amputate."  Chinese herbalist said, "Oh no. No need amputate. Two -
three days - fall off all by itself!"
%
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped
in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the
parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered,
brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and
bawls "And get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes
back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've
asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out
of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the
parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy
bastard!"
%
A guy pulls into a little town, and every hotel room is taken.  He
says to the last hotel clerk, "You've gotta have a room somewhere. Or
just a bed, please, I'm really beat."

The clerk says, "Well, I do have a double room with only one occupant,
and I'm sure he'd be glad to split the cost. But he snores so loudly
that the people in the adjoining rooms have been complaining all
week."

The guy says, "No problem, I'll take it."

The next morning the guy comes down to breakfast bright eyed and bushy
tailed.

The manager says, "How'd you sleep with him snoring?"

The guy says, "I shut him up quick."

The manager says, "How'd you do that?"

The guy says, "He was already in bed snoring away when I came into the
room. So I went over, gave him a big kiss on the cheek, and said,
'Good night, beautiful.'  And he sat up and watched me all night."
%
OK--so Bill Gates, Scott McNealy, and Jim Barksdale go to Capitol Hill
and Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) meets them at the pearly gates of the
Senate. He says to McNealy: "I'm here to judge your worthiness.  Tell
me, what do you believe, my son?"

"I believe in open standards and thin clients," says the Sun
Microsystems chief. "Enter," says Hatch, "sit at my left hand."
Turning to Barksdale, he asks, "What do you believe?"

"I believe in the Internet and the Web and connecting people
together," Netscape's chairman answers.  "Enter," Hatch says, "sit at
my right." Finally, he turns to Microsoft chairman Bill Gates and
asks, "And what do you believe?"

"I believe you're in my seat," Gates replies.
%
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
around the Sun.
%
Machine-Independent, adj.:
	Does not run on any existing machine.
%
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods
totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticing that the
previous bill hadn't been paid, instructed the collections manager to
contact the costumer.  The collections manager made the call and left
left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until
you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call
from the customer who said, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait
that long."
%
"What are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?"

"Well, yesterday I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff
neck.  This is my wife's idea."
%
Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
	Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a
simple yes or no answer.
%
A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a
goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk.  The barber
whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever
meet. Here, I'll show you."

"Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber.  Tommy came bouncing over
"Hi Mr. Williams!"  The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny
quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice.  Tommy
looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped
the dime from the barber's hand.  The barber looked at the businessman
and said, "See, I told you."

After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him
why he chose the dime.

Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game
is over."
%
"Microwave oven?  Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven?  I've been
watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks."
%
   n = ((n >>  1) & 0x55555555) | ((n <<  1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
   n = ((n >>  2) & 0x33333333) | ((n <<  2) & 0xcccccccc);
   n = ((n >>  4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n <<  4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
   n = ((n >>  8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n <<  8) & 0xff00ff00);
   n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);

		-- C code which reverses the bits in a word.
%
An elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 50th
wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is
something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our
tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I
want to assure you that these 50 years have been the most wonderful
expierence I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take
that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eyes, she
paused for moment and then confessed sadly: "Yes. Yes, he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting
hit him harder than he had expected.

With a tear in his eye the husband asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was
the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she
tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then,
finally, she admits: "You."
%
A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring
that dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can
talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a
hundred bucks."
The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!"
"Right, and what's on the outside of a tree?"
"Bark!"
"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!"
"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in
twenties."
The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before
I belt you."
As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do
you think I should have said 'Dimaggio'?"
%
An old man was driving down the interestate at 22 miles per hour.  He
never went above or below.  An officer noticed and followed him a
while and then pulled him over.  Before the officer could even get to
the window the man was saying "I was not speeding, the speed limit is
22 mph and that is exactly what I was doing, I was not speeding".

The police officer said, "I didn't pull you over for speeding, I
pulled you over for going to slow".

The man said "but the sign says 22". 

The officer told him that he was on interstate 22.  As the man shook
his head, the officer noticed that there were 3 older ladies sitting
inside the car.  All of them were sitting with their mouths hanging
open and spit drooling down the side.  Their faces were very white and
their hair was completely messy.

The police officer leaned toward the man and said "What is wrong with
them?"

The man said "well, we just came off of interstate 134".
%
... Now you're ready for the actual shopping.  Your goal should be to
get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
children emotionally.  For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
to love him, then melts.  And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
outcast by the other reindeer.  Then along comes good, old Santa.  Does
he ignore the deformity?  Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath?  No.  Santa asks
Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
kind of headlight with legs and a tail.  So unless you want your
children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
quickly.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%
Minneapolis and St. Paul are divided by the Mississippi River and
united by the belief that the inhabitants of the other side of the
river are inferior.
%
Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set (part I):

BBW	Branch Both Ways
BEW	Branch Either Way
BBBF	Branch on Bit Bucket Full
BH	Branch and Hang
BMR	Branch Multiple Registers
BOB	Branch On Bug
BPO	Branch on Power Off
BST	Backspace and Stretch Tape
CDS	Condense and Destroy System
CLBR	Clobber Register
CLBRI	Clobber Register Immediately
CM	Circulate Memory
CMFRM	Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
CPPR	Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
CRN	Convert to Roman Numerals
%
Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set (part II):

DC	Divide and Conquer
DMPK	Destroy Memory Protect Key
DO	Divide and Overflow
EMPC	Emulate Pocket Calculator
EPI	Execute Programmer Immediately
EROS	Erase Read Only Storage
EXCE	Execute Customer Engineer
HCF	Halt and Catch Fire
IBP	Insert Bug and Proceed
INSQSW	Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
PBC	Print and Break Chain
PDSK	Punch Disk
%
A mathematician and an engineer attend a lecture by a physicist. The
topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical processes that
occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The
mathematician is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the
engineer is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By
the end the engineer has a terrible headache. At the end, the
mathematician comments about the wonderful lecture.

The engineer says "How do you understand this stuff?"

Mathematician: "I just visualize the process."

Engineer: "How can you visualize something that occurs in 9-dimensional
           space?"

Mathematician: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then
                let N go to 9."
%
Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set (part III; last):

PI	Punch Invalid
POPI	Punch Operator Immediately
PVLC	Punch Variable Length Card
RASC	Read And Shred Card
RPM	Read Programmers Mind
RSSC	reduce speed, step carefully  (for improved accuracy)
RTAB	Rewind tape and break
RWDSK	rewind disk
RWOC	Read Writing On Card
SCRBL	scribble to disk  - faster than a write
SLC	Search for Lost Chord
SPSW	Scramble Program Status Word
SRSD	Seek Record and Scar Disk
STROM	Store in Read Only Memory
TDB	Transfer and Drop Bit
WBT	Water Binary Tree
%
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming
him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the
cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball
from a nearby drawer.  "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with
the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the
client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone  else does."
%
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was
constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking
the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the
exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people
from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"  "I
give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.  The next day,
still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he
went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
%
Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a
state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his
nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks!
him in the head with the stick.  The driver yells, "Why'd you do
that!?!?

The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son.  When I pull you over,
you'll have your license ready."

Driver apologizes, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He
gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side
and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and
smack! the trooper nails him with the nightstick.  The passenger grabs
his face and yells out, "What'd you do that for!??"

"Just making your wishes come true," replies the cop.

"Huh?"

"Well," says the officer, "I just *know* that two miles down the road
you're gonna say, 'I sure wish that motherfucker woulda tried that
shit with me.'"
%
Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
		-- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
%
Signs:

On a Maternity Clothes Shop: "We are open on Labor Day."

On a Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're
looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a fence:  "Salesmen welcome. Dog food expensive."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes.
Sit!  Stay!"

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:  "Drive carefully,
we'll wait."
%
Bill Clinton and his daughter were out for a walk.

Summoning up all the courage a father can, he asks: "Chelsea, how is
college going, socially? Do you have any, uh, boyfriends, and are you
being, uh, nice?"

Chelsea thinks for a second, then replies, "Well, Dad, if you're asking
me 'Am I having sex?' the answer is no, not as YOU define it."
%
Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex
and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we
can't use it."  The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm
method." The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask. 

"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We
make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes
get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."
%
August 8, 1997

BY DAVE BARRY
Knight-Ridder News Service

Q: Could you please explain the recent historic tobacco settlement?

A: Sure. Basically, the tobacco industry has admitted that it is
killing people by the millions, and has agreed that from now on it
will do this under the strict supervision of the federal government.

Q: Will there be monetary damages assessed?

A: Yes. To compensate for the immense suffering caused by its
products, the tobacco industry will pay huge sums of money to the
group most directly affected.

Q: Lawyers?

A: Yes.

Q: Will the federal government also receive large quantities of money?

A: Of course.

Q: How will the tobacco industry obtain this money?

A: By selling more tobacco products.

Q: What if consumers stop buying tobacco products?

A: That would be very bad. The government would probably have to set
up an emergency task force to figure out ways to get people smoking
again in order to finance the historic tobacco settlement.

Q: You're kidding, right?

A: I'm not sure.

Q: Under this settlement, will potent new steps be taken to remind
smokers that they should not smoke?

A: Yes. Cigarette packs will carry even sterner scientific warnings
regarding the badness of smoking, such as ``You big doodyhead!''  These
warnings will no doubt have the same impact as all previous warnings,
causing many smokers to smack their foreheads and say: ``I had no idea
smoking was unhealthy! I shall quit immediately!''

Q: Seriously, is there some kind of printed warning that really would
make people stop buying cigarettes?

A: Yes. Sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said:
``Cigarettes contain fat.'' American consumers have no problem with
carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor
wax, that has fat in it.

Q: If the government really wants people to stop smoking, how come it
doesn't just make cigarettes illegal?

A: Because people would smoke them anyway.

Q: Then how come the government makes crack cocaine illegal?

A: That is an unfair comparison. The tobacco industry is merely
selling a deadly product; the crack cocaine industry is guilty of
something far, far worse.

Q: Failure to make large political donations?

A: Yes.

Q: What does the historic tobacco settlement do to discourage
adolescents from smoking?

A: It requires the parents of adolescents to put on giant pants, shave
their heads and get their noses pierced, then smoke cigarettes in
front of their kids while making statements such as: ``Smoking is
cool, dude!'' This will cause the adolescents to join strict religious
orders.

Q: What will be done regarding Joe Camel?

A: He will be spayed.

Q: Many people started smoking because they watched classic movies in
which glamorous Hollywood stars were always inhaling and exhaling vast
clouds of smoke and looking totally cool. What will be done to correct
this under the historic tobacco settlement?

A: By 1998, all classic movies will be digitally reprocessed by
special Food and Drug Administration computers so that -- for example
-- in ``Casablanca,'' when Humphrey Bogart makes his dramatic final
speech to Ingrid Bergman, he will have the voice of Rocky the Flying
Squirrel.

Q: Whose voice will the late John Wayne have?

A: The late Lucille Ball's.

Q: Under the historic tobacco settlement, will cigarettes still be
sold from vending machines?

A: Yes, but people purchasing cigarettes from such machines will also
receive, as a warning of the health risks involved, a powerful
electrical shock.

Q: What will happen to all the Tobacco Institute scientists, who,
despite decades of dedicated research, were never able to find a
single shred of evidence proving that cigarettes cause cancer?

A: At the request of the White House, they will be reassigned to the
Whitewater investigation.

Q: How will the historic tobacco settlement affect the aliens whose
spaceship crashed near Roswell, N.M., in 1947, and whose bodies are
now being kept in top-secret government freezers?

A: Millions of dollars will be paid to their lawyers.

Q: I guess that covers it. Thanks. Smoke?

A: I have my own.
%
Q: How does a UNIX Guru make sex?
A: unzip;strip;touch;finger;mount;fsck;more;yes;umount;sleep
%
"I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Sherri to her
best friend.

"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy."

"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution!"
%
Paul's Law:
	You can't fall off the floor.
%
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. 
He handed out  all of the tests and went back to his desk 
to wait. Once the test was  over the students all handed 
the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the 
students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note 
saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor 
handed the tests back out. This student got back his test 
and $64 change.
%
	Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
into a clogged toilet.  In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
radio.  But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
plumbing works.
	A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
and toilets.  So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
kill you.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
* warning: somewhat tasteless

A man is feeling very ill, goes to see his doctor, and is immediately 
rushed to hospital to undergo tests.  The man wakes up after the tests in
a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor.  We've had the results back from your tests and
we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H.  It's a
combination of gonareah, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes!"

"My gosh, doctor!  What are you going to do?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita
bread."

"Will that cure me?"

"Well no, but it's the only food we can get under the door."
%
* kinda gloomy

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near
death.  The family called their preacher to stand with them.  As the
preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to
deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol'
Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so
he placed it in his jacket pocket.  At the funeral, as he was
finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket
that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.  He said:

"You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't
looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration
there for us all."

He opened the note, and read "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
%
Reader, suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of
Congress.  But I repeat myself.
		-- Mark Twain
%
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau.
Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the way down
50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down
to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is
this seat taken?"  The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She
passed away. She was a big Packers fan."  The other man replied,"I'm
so sorry to hear of your loss.  May I ask why you didn't give the
ticket to a friend or a relative?" The man replied, "They're all at
the funeral."
%
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The
driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the
Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls?
I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too?
I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a
refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in
there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I
have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in
there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped
away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a
bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver
of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with
silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove
all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the
windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and
knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and
knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the
Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the
shower to tell me THIS?!?!"
%
A Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car.
After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit
surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for
the new car to be delivered.  He thanks the salesman and starts to
leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the
salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will
arrive?" he asks.

The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two
years to the exact week.  The man thanks the salesman and starts out
again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.

"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now
the car will arrive?"  The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes
again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on
Thursday.  The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.

Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the
salesman.

"I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two
years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?"
Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another
time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from
now on Thursday.

"That's a relief!" says the man.  "The plumber is coming in the
morning!"
%
President Clinton, stymied with his peace efforts in the Middle
East told his cabinet, "I'll tell you this -- they'd be no trouble at
all in the Middle East if the Arabs and the Jews started acting
like the good Christians they're supposed to be." 
%
A novelist got on the Best Seller list again shortly after he'd
finished his first novel.  Asked where he got the idea so quickly,
he said it came from the movie version of his previous novel.		
%
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.  Check
three friends.  If they're OK, you're it.
%
Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and, if it fell out
   of a tree, would kill you?
A: A pool table.

Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal
   thermometer?
A: The taste.

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.
%
Clinton, on a stop in Arkansas this week, told a crowd,
"There are over a hundred jails in this state, and I'm
proud to say that no member of my family has ever
been in one of them."

A voice from the back said, "And which one is that ?" 
%
One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he
hid one of the drummer's sticks.

After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed
expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and
screamed to heaven:

"Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!" 
%
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The
second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up,
the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no
arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast.
The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and
the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming
from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to
rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and
places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon thehead starts
coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and
shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears,
then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on
me!"
%
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
%
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly
suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the
manager asked.

"That's the one!"

That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of
that monstrosity!  That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But
tell me.  Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide
dog bit me."
%
* warning: somewhat with sex 

One morning a mailman called on one of his regular customers and was
surprised to see a white bedsheet with a hole in the middle hanging up
in her living room.  The housewife explained she'd had a party the
night before.  They had played a game called "Who's Knob," in which
each of the men had put their equipment through the hole and the women
had tried to guess their identity.

"Gee, that sounds like fun," said the mailman.  "Sure wish I'd been
there."

"You should have been," the housewife informed him.  "Your name came
up three times!"
%
The woman was testifying for divorce explaining her "Bad marriage"
to the Judge.  She said, "That's my side of the story, your
honor, now let me tell you his."
%
One matron to another: "The service here is terrible, but you don't
mind waiting, because the food is so poor."
%
There are two old Jewish women leaving a restaurant.
One says to the other, "The food there was so terrible!"
The other says, "Yes, and such small portions!".

(Woody Allen)
%
Subject: "Lewinsky" brand cigars a roaring trade in Romania
Date: Sat, 19 Sep 1998 7:05:21 PDT
Organization: Copyright 1998 by Agence France-Presse (via ClariNet)

  	  				 
   BUCHAREST, Sept 19 (AFP) - The Internet publication of Ken  
Starr's report on US President Bill Clinton's relations with Monica 
Lewinsky has given a welcome, unexpected boost to cigar sales in 
Romania. 
   Inspired by the pair's now much-publicised antics in the Oval  
Office, a cigar distributor in the central Romanian town of Cluj has 
renamed its product after the former White House intern. 
   Locals apparently can't get enough of "Monica Lewinsky" cigars,  
even to the extent of eschewing ordinary cigarettes. 
   "It has been an immediate success," said a delighted saleswoman  
at one store in the town-centre. 
   "Smoking a cigar is a bit like stepping into Clinton's shoes,"  
mused an enthusiastic young architect, adding "and of course, there 
are all the sexual connotations." 
%
	(NORTHERN VIRGINIA) -- How tight is the job market for high-tech  
workers in Northern Virginia? The Internet firm UUNet/WorldCom has hired 
an airplane to drag a banner advertising job opportunities at the 
company. The plane flies over crowded interstates and apartment 
complexes throughout the Washington, DC area -- and recently flew over 
Jack Kent Cooke Stadium during a Redskins game. 
%
Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're
having an anniversary soon, right?"  The other replied, "Yup, a big
one... 20 years."

"Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your
anniversary?" The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia."

"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man.  "That's going
to be hard to beat.  What are you going to do for your 25th
anniversary?"

"Go back and get her."
%
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small
pieces of copper.  After studying these pieces for a long time,
Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a
nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed.  They
ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper.  100 meters down,
they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the
ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.

Polish scientists were outraged.  They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters
underground, but found absolutely nothing...

They concluded that the ancient Poles 55,000 years ago had cellular
telephones.
%
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number
of years.  He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him
fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear
100%.  The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and
the doctor said, "You hearing is perfect.  Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "O, I
haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the
conversations.  I've changed my will three times!"
%
* warning: sexual material

"While it might be considered somewhat, er, shall we say 'outre'," the
physician told the inquiring husband.  "I don't see any real harm from
your wife's night-creaming her genital area with various whipped
edible varieties."

"But Doc !!!" the man persisted. "I'm already 30 pounds overweight."
%
On a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon, Kurt stood on the first tee
at his country club.  He had just pulled out his driver when a young
woman in a wedding gown came running up to him, crying. "You bastard!" 
she screamed in his face.  "You lousy no-good God damn stinking
bastard!"

"What's your problem Mattie?"  he calmly replied. "I distinctly told
you only if it rained."
%
Last summer I had to have a complicated procedure to remove a cyst on
my larynx.  I asked the doctor if I would live & he replied, "Yes, but
I wouldn't advise it."
%
Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
%
A guy is coming out of his house one day, and suddenly he hears a voice:
"Sell your house, sell your car, move to Vegas".
He dismisses the voice as caused by stress, and continues on with his day.
The next morning, he hears it again:
"Sell your house, sell your car, move to Vegas".
He wonders about it for most of the morning, but a meeting in the afternoon
empties his mind, and he forgets all about it.
Next day, the voice is there again:
"Sell your house, sell your car, move to Vegas".
And the next day:
"Sell your house, sell your car, move to Vegas".
And the next day:
"Sell your house, sell your car, move to Vegas".
After a month of this, the man is a nervous wreck, and leaving his house one
morning, and hearing the voice:
"Sell your house, sell your car, move to Vegas".
He screams "Fine!  I'll do it!".  So he sells his house, sells his car, gathers
his life savings and takes the first flight to Las Vegas.
There, the first thing he hears on leaving the plane.
"Go to the Golden Nugget."
Resignedly, he does so.  In the casino, the voice once again says:
"Go to roulette table 13."  There, it says:
"Put all your money on number 24."
The man goes and cashes in all he owns for a lot of chips, which he promptly
puts on number 24, on table 13.  The croupier closes all bets, and throws the
ball down.
Around and around and around it goes.  Eventually, it stops on 36.  The voice
says:
"Sorry."
%
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a costume party,
I want to go as Adam." The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big
enough."

She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough." She brings
out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."

She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder
and go as a gasoline pump?"
%
"We Have Conquered Pain!" exclaimed the London headlines on Dec.
21,1846. Scottish surgeon Robert Liston had successfully amputated a
man's leg while an assistant dispensed ether from a sponge-filled
inhaler. It was the first European operation under anaesthesia, and the
momentous breaktrough was immortalized by an excited artist, showing
Liston removing the wrong leg.
%
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western
	Civilization?
Gandhi:	I think it would be a good idea.
%
A Texan, a Cuban, and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.  The Texan
orders some beef, and a few minutes later, the waitress returns and
says, "Excuse me, sir, but there's a shortage of beef."

The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"
The Cuban says, "What's beef?"
The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"
%
A father in the glassware business is teaching his son about business
ethics, but the son doesn't quite get the concept.  So the father
says, "Let me give you an example.  The other day, an old and valued
customer entered in a hurry, picked up a $10 vase, and left quickly,
tossing me a crumpled bill to pay for his purchase.  When I smoothed
out the bill, I discovered that, while he obviously meant to give me a
ten, he inadvertently gave me a $100 bill.

So, a question of ethics immediately arose: 'Should I tell my partner,
or not?'"
%
 Adam was returning home late one night in paradise after drinking
with the dodo and the unicorn. Eve got angry and yelled at him: "YOU
ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN"

 Adam responded: "Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth" and
went to sleep.

 Later that night Adam woke up, feeling a tickle in his chest and saw
it was Eve. "What are you doing?" he asked.

 "I'm counting your ribs" she responded.
%
I asked once why I couldn't have a "surprise" for dinner.
She complied by soaking off all the labels on the cans
and frozen food packages.
%
REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
 
SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
the country folk in my state like to say.  It goes like this: "You can
carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
I have no idea why the country folk say this.  Maybe there's some kind
of chemical pollutant in their drinking water.  That is why I pledge to
do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs.  What we
need is jobs, not empty promises.  I realize I'm risking my political
career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
can't help it.
		-- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
%
    According to a recent survey by the Academy of Incomplete Research,
nine out of ten
%
Rules for driving in New York:
(1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
(2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
(3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the intersection.
%
A hunting day.

1:00 am.  Alarm clock rings.
2:00 am.  Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
2:30 am.  Throw everything except the kitchen sink into the pickup.
3:00 am.  Leave for the deep woods
3:15 am.  Drive back home to pick up gun.
3:30 am.  Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 am.  Set up camp. Forgot the damn tent.
4:30 am.  Head for the woods.
6:05 am.  See eight deer.
6:06 am.  Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 am.  CLICK
6:08 am.  Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00 am.  Head back to camp.
9:00 am.  Still looking for camp
10.00 am. Realize you don't know where camp is.
NOON      Fire your gun for help - eat wild berries.
2:15 pm. Run out of bullets - eight deer come back.
2:20 pm. Strange feeling in stomach.
2:30 pm. Realize you have eaten poison berries.
2:45 pm. Rescued.
2:55 pm. Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 pm. Arrive back at camp.
3:30 pm. Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 pm. Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 pm. Load gun - leave camp again.
5:00 pm. Empty gun at squirrel that is bugging you.
6:00 pm. Arrive at camp - see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 pm. Load gun.
6:02 pm. Fire gun.
6:03 pm. One dead pickup.
6:05 pm. Hunting, partner arrives in camp dragging deer.
6:06 pm. Repress desire to shoot hunting partner.
6:07 pm. Fall into fire.
6:10 pm. Change clothes.
6:15 pm. Take pickup. Leave hunting partner and his deer in camp.
6:25 pm. Pickup boils over - hole shot in block.
6:25 pm. Start walking.
6:30 pm. Stumble and fall. Drop gun in mud.
6:35 pm. Meet bear.
6:36 pm. Take aim.
6:37 pm. Fire gun. Blow up barrel,plugged with mud.
6:38 pm. Mess pants.
6:39 pm. Climb tree.
9:00 pm. Bear leaves. Wrap !*?*?!* gun around tree.
MIDNIGHT Home at last.
Sunday Watch football game on TV slowly tearing hunting license into
small pieces, place in envelope and mail to Game Department with
detailed instructions on where to place it.
%
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
		-- Herb Caen
%
Real newspaper headlines and adds:

   - "JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN LAID DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU HAVE TO
     GO WITHOUT A PAYCHECK."
                            - a teaser headline for a job search
                              article in the Waterbury
                              (Connecticut) Republican-American
                        [ Well, that's a relief! ]

   - "WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN?
     ABSOLUTELY!"           - The Houston Chronicle
                             [ MR. EVEREST? ]


   - "GIRL, 10, IMPROVES AFTER FATAL CRASH"  - Chicago Tribune


   - "HERE'S HOW TO RECOGNIZE THE SIGNS OF SUICIDE, SUNBURN"
                            - Wauwatosa (Wisconsin) News-Times
                 [ With one you're red, the other dead? ]


   - "SOMEBODY STOLE 21 TONS OF LIVER FROM TRUCKSTOP"  - AP
          [ Police watching onion shipments, just in case... ]


   - "MAN SHOOTS NEIGHBOR WITH MACHETE"  - Miami Herald
                     [ He didn't know it was loaded. ]


   - "REMAINS IDENTIFIED; POLICE BELIEVE VICTIM DIED"  - AP
          [ Don't worry, they'll be certain after the autopsy. ]

%
U.S. Congress Representative Dick Armey, who, when asked if he 
were in the President's place, would he resign, responded:

"If I were in the President's place, I would not get a chance to
resign; I would be lying in a pool of my own blood hearing Mrs. Armey
standing over me saying, 'How do I reload this goddamn thing?'" 
%
A jew, italian and a frenchman are about to be executed and they are
asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Italian responds, Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then
executed.

The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then
executed.

The Jew requests a plate of strawberries.

"STRAWBERRIES ????"

"Yes, Strawberries."

"I'm so sorry.....but they are out of season !"

"So, nu,  I'll wait . . . ."
%
Real newspaper headlines and adds:

   - "COMMON DRUG FOR PROSTRATE IS INNEFFECTIVE, STUDY FINDS"
                            - The New York Times, no less


   - "HOW WOMEN'S TOP 25 FARTED"
                            - Women's basketball scores in the
                              Boulder (Colorado) Daily Camera
                              that should have read "fared."


   - "GIRL BITTEN BY RAPID FOX AT ZOO"  - Reuters


   - "C.I.A. DRAFTS COVERT PLAN TO TOPPLE SADDAM"
                            - New York Times 
                  [ But don't tell him - it's a secret! ]


   - "DEPUTY AVIATION MANAGER EXPERIENCES TRAIN DELAY"  - AP
          [ The aviation manager takes the train? 
          Shouldn't we be worried about this? ]


   - "CHICK BLASTS SEXISM ON CITY COUNCIL"
                            - Story on Los Angeles City
                              Councilwoman Laura Chick in the Los
                              Angeles Daily News

%
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I
couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't
you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight.  He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed
out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on.  Jack swung, and the ball
disappeared down the middle of the fairway.  "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."
%
Real newspaper headlines and adds:

   - "FATAL SKIING TRIP GIVES MAN NEW PERSPECTIVE"
                            - Arlington Heights (Illinois) Daily Herald


   - "WATERSKIING ACCIDENT RULED ACCIDENTAL"
                            - Trenton (New Jersey) Times 


   - "STRIPPER RESENTS EXPOSURE"
                          [ Poor career choice? ]


   - "PIT BULLS LOVE YOU, REALLY"  - Reuters
                       [ Sure, as a quick snack... ]


   - "TERMINAL ILLNESS STRAINS QUALITY OF LIFE"
                            - Arizona Republic 
                            [ Hold Page One! ]


   - "HARVARD GETS TWO-PLY TOILET TISSUE"  - AP
                            [ Slow news day? ]


   - "PHALLUS MUSEUM ERECTED IN REYKJAVIK"  - AFP
%
	Hey kids, check out the cool new game that's sweeping the nation! 
Be the first on your block to own a copy of Graduate School(tm): The Game
from TenureCo, the makers of such classics as "Rush Hour Madness," "My
First Blue Book Exam," "Little Lawyer," and "Johnny Tax Auditor." 
	With Graduate School(tm): The Game you can experience all the fun
and realism of grad school in the comfort of your own home.  Every nuance
of the real graduate experience is reproduced in this game.  The game
takes you through the whole process: 
	- Application
	- acceptance
	- classwork
	- research
	- data analysis
	- psychoanalysis
	- authorship battles
	- boring talks
	- confusing talks
	- long talks
	- uncomprehensible talks
	- Depression
	- Social Isolation
	- Job Hunting
	And so much more!

	Call all your friends over for years of wholesome fun.  Check out
these great features of Graduate School(tm): The Game: 

	* Choose Your Own Character

	You have your choice of a wide variety of characters:
	- Jill: the emotionally unstable ABD
	- Fred: the naive first-year
	- Harold: the overwhelmed and under-funded RA
	- Laura: the disgruntled TA
	- Jaques: the exploited international student
	- Backstabbing Caroline: the political opportunist
	And many, many more!

	* Confront a Wide Array of Interesting Opponents
	Throughout your quests in strange and exotic lands you will
encounter people who apparently receive great joy at your misfortune, in
fact they are a major cause of this misfortune: 
	- Administress: the evil secretary with her dreaded red tape
	- Prof. Rewrite: if he gets on your committee you're doomed
	- Metoo: A fellow grad student who becomes a dead weight on all
	  your projects
	- Ronny: The smelly undergrad RA who scares all your subjects away
	- Partytime Pamela: Invites you to time wasting parties every
	  other night
	- Prof. Touchy-Feely: A sexual harrassment case waiting to happen
	- Rod Starr: Super Grad Student, makes you look bad by graduating
	  in 12 days
	- Susan Stickyfingers: Your kleptomaniac officemate
	Along with dozens of others!

	* Real Life Challenges
	Pick a Setback Card and see what fun adventures await you:
	- Join a Committee:  Research slows down 1/2
	- Videogame attack:  Lose 12 turns playing Snood
	- One More Analysis:  Repeat all previous analyses
	- Dissertation Scooped:  Go back to "new candidate" status
	- Get Drunk at a Conference:  Spin the Faculty Insult Wheel for
	  your penalty
	- Advisor Retires/Moves/Changes Interests:  Start over
	- Car Towed:  Sell your stereo to get it out of hock, lose motivation
	To name just a few!

	* Different Ways to Finish!
	Most games are boring.  They have a "winner" and a bunch of
"losers."  The goal of "Graduate School(tm): The Game" is different. 
There are no winners in grad school, only survivors and failures.  Your
goal is to be a survivor, that means different things to different people. 
There are a wide range of ways to survive: 
	- Go to law school:  Successfully escape
	- Marry rich:  Don't worry anymore
	- Find God:  Science is for fools
	- Family:  Change your priorities
	- Capitalize on one of your ideas and make millions: Ah, engineering...
	- Graduate: ???

	Graduate School(tm): The Game -- Look for it in stores near you!
%
Real newspaper headlines and adds:

   - "GALLERY REFLECTS ARTIST'S WORK"
                            - Austin (Texas) American-Statesman
                          [ As opposed to... ? ]


   - "HEAT PERFECT FOR NATIONAL NUDIST CONVENTION"  - Reuters


   - "MISSOURI GAS CHAMBER IS UNSAFE"
                            - Macon (Missouri) Chronicle-Herald
                    [ Wasn't that the general idea? ] 


   - "GERMAN MAGNETIC TRAIN MOVES FORWARD"  - AP
          [ They'll have reverse working any day now. ]


   - "WATCHDOG WARNS AGAINST INTERNET SPERM"  - Reuters
                        [ First Spam, now THIS?! ]


   - "FARM SCENE: THERE'S GOLD IN THOSE ELEPHANT DROPPINGS"
                            - AP
                       [ Yeah?  You look for it... ]

%
Real newspaper headlines and adds:

   - "HUSBAND AND WIFE SHOOT EACH OTHER AT MARRIAGE COUNSELING
     SESSION"  - AP
                      [ I'd call that unsuccessful. ]


   - "GORE DENIES WRONGDOING; VOWS NEVER TO DO IT AGAIN"
                    [ Hand-in-Cookie-Jar Award Winner ]


   - "STUDY LINKS MENOPAUSE, AGING"  - AP
                     [ That's what it said, period! ]


   - "WOMEN MAKE THE BEST MOMS"
                            - Webster City (Iowa) Daily
                              Freeman-Journal


   - "STUDY: SENIOR WOMAN ADMINISTRATORS OFTEN ARE MEN"
                            - Columbia (Missouri) Missourian


   - "BUTTER SAID AS DEADLY AS CIGARETTES"  - AP 
                           [ So don't inhale. ]


   - "MALE AND FEMALE BREASTS ARE DIFFERENT"  - Reuters
          [ This just HAD to be a government study. ]
%
A Pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his
time at the pub, so one night he took her along with him.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in
one go.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately
spat it out.

"Yuck!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out
enjoying myself every night!"
%
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
		-- Fletcher Knebel
%
During her annual checkup, a lady was asked to disrobe and climb onto
the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"That's all right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights.
You get undressed and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've
undressed.  What should I do with my clothes?"

"Put them over here, on top of mine!"
%
Always give 100% at work:

12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
 5% Friday
%
Sometimes athletes get a reputation for not being very smart.  This
isn't fair, of course.  Here are some examples of smart things that
sports people have been reported as saying:

* Tom Penders, basketball coach at the University of Texas, telling
what he told a player who had received four Fs and one D: "Son, looks
to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

* Dan Duva again, on the spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew
Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning,
regardless of what time it is."

* Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how
to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

* Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going
to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

* Joe Theismann, football commentator and former player: "Nobody in
football should be called a genius.  A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein."
%
The doctor entered the waiting room.

"I have some good news for you, Mrs. Douglas."

"Pardon me," she interrupted, "but it's Miss."

"The doctor said, "I have some bad news for you, Miss Douglas."
%
A foreman on a moving project sent an accident report to the safety
engineer, with this note attached: 

"Enclosed find report on accident when the piano fell on Casey's foot. 
Where it says 'Remarks' do you want mine or Casey's?"
%
... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks.  Generally, their
procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
to infest the waters.  I would estimate that the primary food source of
sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
documentaries.  Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
listless.  The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
documentary."  So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
under the guise of Scientific Research.  "We know very little about the
effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
scientific voice.  "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
in the testicles with a cattle prod."  The divers keep this kind of
thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all
along.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
%
The Father, passing through the son's college town late one night on
a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy.

Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After
several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a
second floor window.

"Whattya want?"

"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.

"Yeah!", replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch and
we'll take care of him in the morning."
%
There's the story about the man that walks into a house of ill
repute in Reno and says, "I'll give $20,000 to any woman here
who'll come into the desert with me and do it MY way."

One of the ladies agrees, and off they go driving into the desert.
After about an hour she gets curious, and asks him "Just what
is your way?"

"On credit."
%
Grant once wired Lincoln, "Mr President, some of the troops are
revolting."  The President wired back, "Well General, you're pretty
repulsive yourself."
%
        "Darn," said an ardent young man, reading a letter.
        His friend, standing near him, said, "Bad news?'
        "Disturbing news, anyway," said the young man.  "It's from
someone who says if I don't stay away from his wife, he'll kill me."
        "In that case, if I were you, I would stay away from his wife."
        "Which one?   The letter is anonymous."
%
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and
after the wedding, laid down the following rules:  "I'll be home
when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner  to be on
the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing,
boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and
don't you give me a hard time about it.  Those are my rules.
Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand
that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether
you're here or not."
%
"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord
because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a
neighbor.
 
"You didn't do it, did you?"
 
"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might
add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent
is paid up for six months!"
%
        A man enters by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day,
sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.  The waitress, 
who is very busy, pours him his coffee and rushes off to help the 
numerous customers having lunch at the diner.  The man, who uses both 
cream and sugar in his coffee, notices that the containers are empty.  
As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar 
for his coffee.  

        The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, 
rushes to the back to pick up more orders.   As she passes the 
cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate 
down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because 
both her hands are full.  After she has served the two plates she was 
holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes 
did you want in your coffee?"

        The man says, "Two's fine."

        She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops 
them into his cup.  "And cream?" she asks.

        The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You 
wouldn't dare!?!"
%
A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married.  Before
getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to
make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because she
is quite flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is
okay with her.

The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is
flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that
he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is
just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is okay
with him.

The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind,
and she also believed there are other things far more important than
sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to
Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her
clothes, she is as flat as a washboard.

Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked
body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

After she became conscious, the guy said, "I told you before we got
married; why did you still faint?

The girl said, You told me it was just like a baby. 

The guy replied, That's right, 8 pounds and 21 inches.

%
* warning: sick

A leper walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Right away, the bartender looks at the man and starts screaming, "OH
MY GOD!  THAT IS THE SICKEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN!"

The leper looks back at him and says, "Hey man! I've got leprosy!
Anyone who isn't blind can see that! WHY are you making such a big
deal about it?"

The bartender replies, "It's NOT YOU! IT'S THE GUY STANDING THERE AND
DIPPING CHIPS IN YOUR ARM!"
%
"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy."
%
Spelling is a lossed art.
%
Thanksgiving forecast:

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an
afternoon high near 190F.  The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if
you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will
slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches
on plates.  Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry
sauce creates slippery spots on the other.  Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire
area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway.  During the
evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping
to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
                           
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches
will be established.  Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days
with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day.  We expect
a warming trend where soup develops.  By early next week, eating
pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
%
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
	Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
another drink.
%
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came
upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the
curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of
heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." 

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were
right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did
you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000
Shekels on Goliath'."
%
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery: You are wlcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:  To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In a Swiss mountain inn:  Special today--no ice cream.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the
USSR, you are welcome to it.
%
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,
but couldn't find one big enough for her family.  She asked a stock
boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No
ma'am, they're dead."
%
A fresh faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother
with the following question.

"Mum,  why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town
that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mum and goes off to double-check this with his
father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household
appliances come in white."
%
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an
accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran
a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.  "But
mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to
have to worry about money.  Your job will be to take all the money
worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said.  "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed.  "How can such a
small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
%
Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a
mother-daughter talk.

Hillary asks Chelsea, "You have been going to college for awhile now,
Have you had sex yet?"

Chelsea says, "Well, not according to Dad."
%
A friend was admitted to a private weight-loss clinic. Feeling
sympathetic, I sent flowers.

The thank-you note arrived a few days later.

"Thanks for the flowers," it read. "They were delicious."
%
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
%
BUCHAREST, Romania (AP) _ When a young Romanian man was jilted days
before his wedding, his parents came up with a solution: They rented a
bride.

Determined to save their 22-year-old son Lucian's honor and not lose
money spent on nuptials, the family also rented parents for the bride,
the Evenimentul Zilei newspaper reported.

For days, the ``bride,'' a childhood friend named Mariana, rehearsed
lines and practiced the ceremony with the groom.  Lucian's family
agreed that in exchange for her trouble, Mariana would receive $100.

In Romania, wedding guests give money to help defray costs.  If the
wedding had been canceled, the family would have lost the hundreds of
dollars it had spent.

But only two-thirds of the guests came, and some, surprised by the new
bride, weren't as generous as expected. As a result, Mariana received
only $3 instead of the $100 she was promised.

And that isn't her only headache: Apparently, Lucian has fallen for
her and wants the marriage to last.
%
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for
a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you
already want a 3-day pass?  You must do something spectacular for that
recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the
Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white
flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab
soldier, "Do you want to get a 3-day pass?  So we exchanged tanks!"
%
Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one
night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.  They bought five
$1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.  The following week, when the
raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti
sauce.  Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply
of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.  And Harry won the sixth prize - a
toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they
were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom.  "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Dick.  "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
%
  REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...
 It's an incentive to show up.
 It reduces stress.
 It leads to more honest communications.
 It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
 It eliminates vacations because people would rather come
 to work.
 It makes fellow employees look better.
 It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
 Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are
 wasted.
 Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
 Employees work later since there's no longer a need to
 relax at the bar.
 Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
%
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every
time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china
piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually
athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it
smashes. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are
handfuls of five and ten dollar bills.
 He asks his wife "Where's all these bills come from?"
 "Well," she replied, "Not everyone is as cheap as you are."
%
A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4
(knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and
deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:

I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my
income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have
enclosed a check for $150.00.

If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.
%
REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that the official
release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed
until the second quarter of 1901.
%
There are three guys drinking in a bar, when another man comes in and 
starts drinking. After a while he approaches the guys, and, pointing 
at the one in the middle, shouts: "I've #*$%ed your mom!"

The three guys look bewildered as man bellies back up to the bar.

Ten minutes later he comes back. "Your mom's sucked my &%#*!"  Same 
thing happens. Ten minutes later he announces, "I've had your mom up 
the @*$!"

The young guys have had enough, and the one in the middle stands up 
and shouts, "Look, Dad, you're drunk, go home!!!!!"
%
e^x and a constant function are walking down the street when they see
a differential operator coming toward them.  The constant function
says, "Oh no, a differential operator.  If I meet him, I'm through.
I'd better get out of here."  And so the constant function runs off
down an alley.  But e^x thinks, "No problem, I'm e^x.  Differential
operators don't scare me."  And he walks up to the differential
operator, holds out his hand and says, "Hi, I'm e^x."  And the
differential operator shakes his hand and says, "Hi, I'm d/dy."
%
Robert had just received his brand new drivers license.  His mum, dad,
and little brother Steve all head out to the driveway, and they all
get into the car, as Robert is going to take them for a ride for the
first time.  Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind
the newly minted driver..

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those
months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,"
says Rob, beaming to the 'ole man..

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of yer
seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
%
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National
Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) decided it needed a ball
point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was
developed at a cost of $1 million U.S.  The pen worked and also
enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
%
* warning: tasteless to some degree

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.  He'd
toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.  He tried and tried to
dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper.  He asked his
wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and
decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with
her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date
said he could get the peanut out.  The young man told the father to
sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to
blow hard.  When the father blew, the peanut flew out.  The mother and
daughter jumped and yelled for joy.  The young man insisted that it
was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen
for something to eat.  Once he was gone the mother turned to the
father and said, "That's wonderful.  Isn't he smart? What do you think
he's going to be when he grows older?!"

The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"
%
A customer complained to tech support that her computer was not
working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the
computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to "Unplug
the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."

About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power
cord in her hand.
%
In Gennifer Flowers' book, she says President Clinton was a great
lover. This has to be frustrating for him... the first time in two
years anybody's written something nice about him...  and he has to
deny it.
%
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a 
bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION 
ALL" and farts loudly. 

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at 
the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." 

The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn.."
%
* warning: sex

A man and his wife are screwing.  Fifteen minutes has passed, thirty
minutes, then 45 minutes.  Sweat is pouring off both of them.

After a few more moments, the wife comments, "Can't you think of anyone
either?"
%
*warning: obscene

The Pharaoh was dictating, and his scribes were busily chipping away
at the stone tablet.  "Me, Ptolemeh . . . the most intelligent
. . . the bravest . . . ", the monarch said slowly, "the biggest
magician . . . of all times . . . the most virile . . . the most..." 

The chips flew, but then suddenly a perspired scribe raised his hand:
"Excuse me, Chief-Scribe, how do you spell 'virile': two penises or
three testicles?"
%
At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the
baby she held in her arms.  The clerk explained that the device was
out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by
weighing the blonde and baby together on the adult scale, then
weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the
first.

"It won't work, I'm the aunt."
%
We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could
produce the Complete Works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the
Internet, we know this is not true.
%
*warning: gross

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many
years. First guy asks the second guy "how have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. tells the first guy
"I    w..a..s..  a..l..m..o..s..t   m..a..r..r..i..e..d".

The first guy says in amazement "Hey; you don't stutter any more."
The answer comes "y..e..s   I  w..e..n..t   t..o   a    d..o..c..t..o..r
a..n..d   h..e   t..o..l..d    m..e  t..h..a..t  i..f  I
s..p..e..a..k..   s..l..o..w..l..y  I    w..i..l..l   n..o..t
s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he
"was almost married".

"W..e..l..l    m..y    f..i..a..n..c..e..e    a..n..d   I   w..e..r..e
s..i...t..t..i..n..g..  o..n   h..e..r     p..o...r..c..h   a..n..d
t..h..e  d..o..g  w..a..s   s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g  h..i..s
b..a..c..k    a..n..d    I    t..o..l..d  h..e..r   t..h..a..t
w..h..e..n    w..e     a..r..e    m..a..r..r..i..e..d    s..h..e
c..a..n   d..o   t..h..a..t   f..o..r    m..e   a..n..d  s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w   t..h..e     r..i..n..g    i..n    m..y
f..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that" asks the
first friend.

"W..e..l..l     I     s..p..e..a..k    s..o  s..l..o..w..l..y,
t..h..a..t     b..y     t..h..e   t..i..m..e     s..h..e
l..o..o..k..e..d..   a..t   t..h..e   d..o..g,     h..e    w..a..s
l..i..c..k..i..n..g   h..i..s    b..a..l..l..s".
%
The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late
for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
%
Airhead Airlines, Flight 101, is coming in for a landing, and the
pilot is freaking out.  The sweat is jumping off his brow.
(Planelanding and screeching to a halt.)  RRRtttt!  He turns to
the co-pilot, and he says, "Man, that is the *shortest* runway
I ever landed on."  The co-pilot says, "Yeah, and so *wide*."
%
The young lady admired the watch in the store window every time
she walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day and said,

"Just how much is that watch?" 

"It's $2000, ma'am." 

"Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?" 

"Just what sort of 'time schedule' did you have in mind?" 

"I was thinking two times a week for the next two months."
%
* warning: ethnic references

The Scot told his wife: "Be sure now to take off your new
eye glasses if you're not looking at anything."
%
A physicist tried to beat a ticket for running a red light by telling
the judge that at the speed he was approaching the signal, the red
light was Doppler shifted so it appeared green. The judge pondered
this for a few minutes and tore up the red light ticket. Then, seeing
as the physicist would have to be driving about a quarter of the speed
of light to see a red signal as green, the judge fined him 269 million
dollars for speeding, one dollar for each kilometer per hour over the
limit.
%
To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
                -- MIT Assasination Club
%
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers
   rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear
   anything at all.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative.
   What if my  baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and
   genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose
   as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my
   feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during
   pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to
   bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me.
   Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
   borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, dipshit?

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring
   on labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and
   a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
   labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
   wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see
   me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, oderlies, photographers,
   florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra.  It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and
   puts him to sleep first.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
   normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
%
* warning: sex

The US finally sent the first manned space mission to Mars.  The
spacecraft gently touched down and the astronaut descended and tested
the atmosphere.  Low and behold it was safe for people to breathe. He
removed his space suit and exited the spacecraft.  He was amazed to
find himself in a lush green valley surrounded with beautiful wooded
hills. He hiked for some distance and came upon a beautiful little
white cottage with a lush green lawn surrounded by a white picket
fence like something out of Better Homes and Gardens.  He walked up to
the front door and found it open.

He walked inside, looked around and hearing noises from the kitchen he
went back there.  WOW, to his amazement he saw the most beautiful
blonde he had ever seen standing over a large pot on the stove.
Inside the pot was a gooey mess that she was stirring with a large
spoon.  As he watched she kept stirring and stirring.

After a couple hours he finally asked her what she was doing.  She
replied that she was having a baby.  He was quite skeptical but after
a couple more hours of stirring she reached down into the gooey mess
and pulled out a beautiful baby girl.  He told her that was really
amazing but that was not the way it was done on Earth.  She replied
"how do you do it on Earth?"

With a twinkle in his eyes he said come on back to the bedroom and
I'll show you.  After an hour of the wildest sex he had ever
experienced he lay back exhausted and lit up a cigarette.  She said
"well where is the baby ".

He said " Oh that takes nine months ". She replied " well why did you
stop stirring."
%
Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a
conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside
hers.  "Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"  "Yes, I do," he
responded, then returned to his book.  Goldie persisted. "Do you like
gardening?"  The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said
politely before returning to his reading.  Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do
you like pussycats?"  With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on
Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.  As the cloud of
sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and
panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"  The man thought for
a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
%
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor
spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it: The nurses hair was
unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment,
one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!

"MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around the hospital
not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!"

"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform,
"It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're
through using it!"
%
Advice for office managers: if you keep the sexual harassment
complaint forms in the bottom drawer, then when a woman gets one out
you'll get a great view of her arse.
%
* ethnic references

A Scot meets a friend at a train station and explains he's
off to Glasgow on his honeymoon.  His friend asks, "And just
where is your wife."

"She's seen Glasgow." the groom replied.
%
* warning: religious characters

Two Baptist ministers are talking about the immorality of the country
today, and one of them says, "I didn't sleep with my wife before I was
married.  How 'bout you?"  And the other says, "I don't know.  What
was her maiden name?"
%
Our subject today is lighting charcoal grills. One of our favorite
charcoal grill lighters is a guy names George Goble (really), computer
person in the Purdue University engineering department.  Each year,
Goble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic in West Lafayette,
Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on a big grill.  Being
engineers, they began looking for practacal ways to speed up the
charcoal-lighting process.  "We started by blowing the charcoal with a
hair dryer,"Goble told me in a telephone interview.  "Then we figured
out that it would light faster if we used a vacuum cleaner."  If you
know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you know
what happened: The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from
cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal.

From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated tp using a propane torch,
then an acetylene torch.  Then Goble started using compressed pure
oxygen, which caused the charcoal to burn much faster, because as you
recall from chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid combination
of oxygen with a reducing agent (the charcoal).  We discovered that a
long time ago, somewhere in the valley between the Tigris an Euphrates
rivers (or something along those lines).  By this point, Goble was
getting pretty good times.  But in the world of competitive
charcoal-lighting "pretty good" does not cut the mustard.

Thus Goble hit upon the idea of using - get ready - liquid oxygen.
This is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines; it's 295 degrees
below zero and 600 times as dense as regular oxygen.  In terms of
releasing energy, pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equivalent
of throwing a live squirrel into a room containing 50 million labrador
retrievers.

On Goble's World Wide Web page (http://ghg.ecn.purdue edu/)you can see
actual photgraphs and video of Goble using a bucket attached to a
10-foot-long wooden handle to dump 3 gallons of liquid oxygen (not
sold in stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal and a
lit cigarette for ignition.  What follows is the most impressive
charcoal-lighting I have ever seen, featuring a large fireball that
according to Goble, reached 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit.  The charcoal
was ready for cooking in - this has to be a world record - 3 seconds.

There's also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same
technique on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill.  All that's left is
a circle of charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it.  "Basically,
the grill evaporated," said Goble.  "We were thinking of returning it
to the store for a refund."  Looking at Goble's video and photos,I
became, as an American, all choked up with gratitude at the fact that
I do not live anywhere near the engineers' picnic site.

But also, I was proud of my country for producing guys who can be
ready to barbecue in less time than it takes for guys in less-advanced
nations, such as France, to spit.  Will the 3-second barrier ever be
broken? Will engineers come up with new, more powerful
charcoal-lighting technology? It's something for all of us to ponder
this summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers, every now and
then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette Indiana, looking for
a mushroom cloud!
%
A funeral service is being held in a Synagogue for a woman
who has just passed away.

At the end of the Service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket
out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.   
They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.  She
lives for ten more years and then dies.  A ceremony is again held at
the same Synagogue and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers
are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, " Watch out for the wall!!!!"
%
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
%
The young seamstress closed her shop after many long hours at her
sewing machine.  As she slowly walked home she was accosted by a
flasher who opened his raincoat while standing a few feet in front of
her.

The girl glanced at the man and then said in disgust, "You call that a
lining?"
%
They were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. 

The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple
integral. 

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and
measured the total displacement. 

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his
red-rubber-ball table.
%
January 4, 2000

Dear Valued Employee: 
Re: Vacation Pay 

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the
past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware,employees are granted 3
weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One
additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either
take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check
will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and
interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely, 

Automated Payroll Processing
%
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot.  He
had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without
Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation.  All work ceased, and the
boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the
corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn,
his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.  He limped painfully
to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon
him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the
subway.  Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a
whole hour?"
%
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. 

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? 

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny 
spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use...perhaps
toothpicks? 

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full 
of portraits by Picasso. 

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
%
Add one little bit on the end...  Think of `potatoe', how's it
spelled?  You're right phonetically, but what else...?  There ya
go... all right!
      -- Vice President Dan Quayle correcting a student's correct
spelling of the word `potato' during a spelling bee at an elementary
school in Trenton.

I should have caught the mistake on that spelling bee card.  But as
Mark Twain once said, `You should never trust a man who has only one
way to spell a word'.
      -- Vice President Dan Quayle, actually quoting from President
Andrew Jackson.

I should have remembered that was Andrew Jackson who said that, since
he got his nickname `Stonewall' by vetoing bills passed by Congress.
      -- Vice President Dan Quayle, confusing Andrew Jackson with
Confederate General Thomas J. `Stonewall' Jackson, who actually got
his nickname at the first Battle of Bull Run. 
%
Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality,
goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future
she finds the answer: "You will die on a Jewish holiday.

"Which one?" Arafat asks nervously.

"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll
be a Jewish holiday.
%
Some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

* On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

* On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary.  Details inside.

* On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions:  Use like regular soap.

* Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

* On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating

* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body

* On Boot's CHILDREN's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery
%
Some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

* On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness

* On a kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.

* On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

* On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

* On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts

* On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

* On a chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
%
Then: Killer Weed
Now:  Weed Killer

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now:  Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now:  Getting a new hip joint

Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now:  Moving to California because it's warm

Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now:  Storming into the principal's office

Then: Peace Sign
Now:  Mercedes Logo

Then: OJ, cutting & slashing
Now:  OJ, cutting & slashing

Then: Getting your head stoned
Now:  Getting your headstone

Then: "The Making of the President"
Now:  The making of the President

Then: Long hair
Now:  Longing for hair

Then: Acid rock
Now:  Acid reflux

Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party
Now:  Worrying about no one coming to your funeral

Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying President
Now:  Fighting to keep the lying President

Then: The perfect high
Now:  The perfect high-yield mutual fund

Then: Elvis in the army
Now:  Elvis in a UFO

Then: Keg
Now:  EKG

Then: Swallowing acid
Now:  Swallowing antacid

Then: pothead
Now:  potbelly

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
Now:  Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now:  Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: Passing the driving test
Now:  Passing the vision test

Then: Seeds and stems
Now:  Roughage

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Now:  Popping joints

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel
Now:  Our president's struggle with fidelity.
%
I believe we are on   an irreversible trend   toward more freedom  and
democracy - but that could change.
    -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) 

One word sums up probably   the responsibility of any vice  president,
and that one word is `to be prepared'.
    -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) 

What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not  to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is.
    -- Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while speaking to the
       United  Negro College Fund, 5/9/89 This   gem has been added to
       Bartlett's
    `Familiar Quotations'. (reported in Esquire, 8/92) (reported in the NY Times, 12/9/92)

Hawaii has always  been a very  pivotal role in the  Pacific. It is in
the Pacific. It is a part of the United  States that is an island that
is right here.
    -- Vice President Dan Quayle, Hawaii, 4/25/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) 

Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.
    -- Vice President  Dan  Quayle  addressing the   20th  anniversary
       celebration of the  moon landing, 7/20/89 (reported in Esquire,
       8/92)

Mars is  essentially in the same   orbit... Mars is  somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important.  We have seen pictures
where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that
means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
    -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) 
%
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man
standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and
starts spraying scent all over them.
 
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and
asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine
cards signed, 'Guess who?'" 
 
"But why?" asks the man.
 
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
%
Q: How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves? 
A: Buy her a diamond ring.
%
* warning: somewhat obscene

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to
check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union
house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't." said the madame.

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down
the street in search of a more equitable shop.

At the second one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't." said the madame.

"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a
more equitable shop.

His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the
madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned.

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the man said.  He looked around the room and
pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead.  "I'd like her for the
night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame while gesturing to a
grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has
seniority."
%
*warning: politically obscene.  But you're used to this

This is the FBI summary of a conversation that took place this week
between President Clinton and Ashley, a brand new intern in the White
House.  Ashley walked into the White House for her first day of her
internship and was greeted by the President.  After a short tour of
the White House the President asked "Would you like to see the
Presidential Clock?"

Ashley looked troubled and said "I don't know Mr. President.  I have
heard some pretty bad things about you.  I don't think that would be a
good idea."  

"Nonsense" said the President.  "It's just a clock."

Ashley agreed and the President led her into the Oval Office where
they were alone.  He closed the door, dropped his pants, and pulled it
out.

Ashley gasped.  "Oh that's not the Presidential Clock, that's the
Presidential Cock!"

To which the President responded: "Ashley honey, once you put a face
and two hands on it, it's a clock!"
%
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of 
his employees.

"Yes, sir," the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. 
"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's 
funeral, she stopped in to see you.
%
While giving a physical, the doctor noticed that his patient's shins
were covered with dark, savage bruises.

"Tell me," said the doctor, "do you play hockey or soccer?"

"Neither," said the man, "My wife and I play bridge.
%
There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting
on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final
years in bliss on a farm.

The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge
face with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She
saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi!
I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I'm a cow," said the cow.

"Right, right, what do you do?"

"I make milk for the farmer."

"Cool."

The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it.
"Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I'm a chicken," said the chicken.

"Oh, right, what do you do?"

"I make eggs for the farmer."

"Right, great, see ya round."

Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like
her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What
are you?"

"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.

"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"

"Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."
%
     One current fashion trend won't land you in jail, but it may
make you look that way.  Police in both London and Milwaukee have
recently been confused by people wearing prison garb.
     In England, prison clothing has become a popular trend, with
prices of up to 50 pounds ($81) for prison work shirts.  One
inmate was re-arrested moments after his release when prison
officials found he had stolen 25 of the regulation blue and white
striped shirts to sell to fashion retailers.  
     And in Milwaukee, police detained a man boarding a bus when
they saw he was wearing a blaze orange jumpsuit with the words
"Milwaukee County Jail" stenciled on the back.  No problem, he
was just wearing designer George Keppler's latest creation which
he bought locally for $69.
     It's unlikely that the clothing will be made illegal, but on
the other hand, isn't it lucky that Milwaukee guy wasn't running
for the bus?  (Reuters)
%
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size
extra large condoms.  

He replies, "Yes we do.  Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until
someone does?"
%
Woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.
HIM "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today"
HER "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear"
HIM "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news"
HER "Well, the air bag works"
%
* warning: somewhat gloom

	Lightning Kills 11 in Soccer Game.  Oct 28, 1998

	KINSHASA, Congo (AP) -- Lightning killed 11 members of a  
Congolese soccer team and injured dozens more people during a 
weekend match, the Congolese news agency reported. The report could 
not be independently confirmed. Local investigators blamed the 
lightning bolt on witchcraft because none of the players on the 
opposing team from nearby Basangana village were injured, the 
agency reported. The two teams were tied 1-1 when the lightning 
struck. 
%
Four people have been playing poker in a smoky room for several hours.
Suddenly, one of them has an heart attack; he falls from his chair to
the floor.

The other players come to help and revive him but there's nothing to
do: he dies in a few moments.

Then, one of the three remaining players says troubled:

"And now, what shall we do?"

Another answers: "Let's take the sevens out of the deck"
%
The blonde reported for her University final examination which
consists of "yes/no" type questions.  She takes her seat in the
examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and
then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and
starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for heads
and No for tails.  Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the
rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the
coin, swearing and sweating.  The moderator, alarmed, approaches her
and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking
my answers."
%
One night after the big fight Mike Tyson was a bit depressed so he
decided to get a prostitute to cheer him up. After the act, they were
laying in bed having a smoke. The prostitute said "Well Mike, how's it
all going?"

"How's it all going?" he asked. "My life's a disaster. I was born to
an under-privileged family, had a hard up-bringing, was thrown in jail
for rape, now I'm on parole and I've hit a cop, my wife left me for
beating her up, I have to pay maintenance for my kids, I've lost two
world title fights, I've disgraced myself and my sport, most people
want me banned me for life and they won't pay me my money. Nothing
could make my life any worse."

"Oh, that's so sad" the prostitute said. "I'll say one thing to 
cheer you up. You're a much better lover than Magic Johnson!"
%
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:
                  ____________________________________
                 |
                 | $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER! 
                 |____________________________________

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant ears on rye. She calmly
writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks
loose!  The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen.  He
runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and
says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the
first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
%
A one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.

He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he
forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions,
undressed, and bent over.  The first thing the proctologist saw when he
looked up the man's butt was that eye staring right back at him.  "You
know, "said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
%
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at
home. She decided she would like to have a beautiful parrot; it
wouldn't be as much work as say, a dog, and it would be fun to hear it
speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful
parrot.  She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.  The
owner said it was $50.

Delighted that such a rare-looking and beautiful bird wasn't more
expensive, she agreed to buy it.  The owner looks at her and says,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a
whorehouse.  Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird.
She said she would buy it anyways.  The petshop owner sold her the
bird and she took it home.  She hung the bird's cage up in her living
room and waited for it to say something.  The bird looked around the
room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
that's not so bad."  A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage
daughters returned from school.  When they inspected the bird, it
looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began
to laugh about the situation.  A couple of hours later, the woman's
husband came home from work.  The bird looked at him and said,  "New
house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George!"
%
        A woman was applying for a maid's position.  When asked why
she left her last place of employment, she replies:

        Yes sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most 
        ridiculous place I ever worked.  They played a game 
        called "Bridge" and last night a lot of folks were 
        there.  As I was about to bring in the refreshments, 
        I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you got."  
        Another man said, "I've got strength, but no length."  
        And another man said to the lady, "Take your hand off
        my trick."  I nearly dropped dead when the lady answered, 
        "You forced me....you jumped me when you didn't have the 
        strength for one raise."  Another lady was talking about 
        protecting her honor.  Two other ladies were talking, and 
        one said, "Now it's time for you to play with my husband, 
        and I will play with yours."  Well, I just got my hat and 
        coat, and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them 
        didn't say, "Well, I guess we'll go home now.  This is 
        the last rubber."
%
Three friends are sitting around their favorite pub. The first guy says
"Hey guys, I know this other bar where you go in and every third drink
that you order, you get the next one free. On top of that, about 1/4 of
the time I go in there, I get laid." 

The second guy says, "That's nothing! I know this bar where you get every
other drink on the house, and I get laid there about 1/2 the times that 
I go in" 

The third guy, unimpressed, says, "Hell, I've got you both beat. I know 
of a place where you get every drink on the house and you get laid EVERY
time you go in." 

The other two say, "WOW! Where is it?" 

The third guy responds, "I don't know, my wife won't tell me."
%
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is a
total-loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the
leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
%
The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor
were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the
class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave --
with no penalties for missing a class.  The rooms were equipped with
the type wall clocks which "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very
noticeable fashion.  As it were, these clocks were also not of the
most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered
that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would
cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.

So, it became almost daily practice for these students to take target
practice at the clock ( as it would have it, this particular professor
was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely
"absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were
passed, and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor
strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You have
1 hour to complete".

The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around
the room, gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had
successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed
the class and collected the exam papers.
%
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to
speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had
been.

"Sidney thought of everything", she told them.  "Just before he died,
Sidney called me to his bedside.  He handed me three envelopes.
Tillie', he told me.  'I have put all my last wishes in these three
envelopes.  After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have
instructed.  Then I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this
money to buy a nice casket'.  So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket
with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very
comfortably.

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this
for a nice funeral'. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought
all his favorite foods for when we began shiva".

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to
buy a nice stone'.

At that point, Tillie held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger,
on which was a ten carat diamond ring.

"So", said Tillie, "You like my stone?"
%
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one
night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill
told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners
what had happened.

About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car
with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his
clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?", asked Bill.

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his
19-year old daughter made mad passionate love to me," said the driver.

"My God, what did you tell them?", asks Clinton.

The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the
pig."
%
Oilers coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his
wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too
damn ugly to kiss goodbye."

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want
all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me.  I want all the kids
to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
season:"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes
first."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because
of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a
professor.  The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your
brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his
visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that
we went to."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27
record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road.  As general
manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told
him,'Son,what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy? ' He said,
'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' " (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach,
John Jenkins:"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)  
%
Nomination for effective government gold medal for 1999:

The Chinese government has ordered all top airline executives to be on a
flight when the clock strikes midnight, on Jan. 1, 2000, according to The
Financial Times.
%
One day in the first grade class as the teacher was reading the story
of the Three Little Pigs.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to
acquire building materials for his home.  She said "...And so the pig
went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon
me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'"
Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man
said?" and a child raised his hand and said:

"I know! I know!  He said 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"
%
Q: Is there a proper procedure for asking the support staff
questions? 

A: Questions will not be answered by the support
staff unless the proper procedure is used.
%
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to the
Salvation Army instead.  They'll clean it and put it on a
hanger.  Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
  --Billiam Coronel
%
     Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife good-bye 
when they leave the house?  Of these same men 90% will kiss their 
house good-bye when their wife leaves.
%
Mark Twain was onc