Joke archive
%
It is said that Lisp programmers know that memory management is so
important that it cannot be left to the users and C programmers know
that memory management is so important that it cannot be left to the
system.
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	Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM
Canada Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier
in Japan.  The company noted in its order that acceptable quality
allowed for 1.5 per cent defects (a fairly high standard in North
America at the time).
	The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged
separately in plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know
why you want 1.5 per cent defective parts, but for your convenience,
we've packed them separately."
	-- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
%
	A woman was married to a golfer.  One day she asked, "If I were
to die, would you remarry?"
	After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
	The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
	"Yes," he replied.  "That's a good car and it runs well."
	"Well, would you live in this house?"
	"Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. 
I've always loved it here."
	"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
	"No."
	"Why not?"
	"She's left handed."
%
	A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his
fellow man".
	As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other,
"Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."  
%
	In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
Junior, what are you up to?"
	"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said
the rabbit.
	"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!  No one
will publish such rubbish!"
	"Well, follow me and I'll show you."
	They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.  Comes along a
wolf.  "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
	"I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits
devour wolves."
	"Are you crazy?  Where's your academic honesty?"
	"Come with me and I'll show you."
	As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his
face and a diploma in his paw.  Finally, the camera pans into the
rabbit's cave and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a
mean-looking, huge lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next
to some furry, bloody remnants of the wolf and the fox.

	The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
%
	A young married couple had their first child.  Their original
pride and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of
years the child had never uttered any form of speech.  They hired the
best speech therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail.  The
child simply refused to speak.  One morning when the child was five,
while the husband was reading the paper, and the wife was feeding the
dog, the little kid looks up from his bowl and said, "My cereal's
cold."
	The couple is stunned.  The man, in tears, confronts his son.
"Son, after all these years, why have you waited so long to say
something?".
	Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
%
	America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle
mission with one astronaut from each country.  Since it's going to be
two long, lonely years up there, each may bring any form of
entertainment weighing 150 pounds or less.  The American approaches
the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb. wife.  They approve.
	The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn
Latin.  I want 100 lbs. of textbooks."  The NASA board approves.  The
Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "Two years...  all
right, I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made."  Again,
NASA okays it.
	Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered
outside to welcome back the astronauts.  Well, it's obvious what the
American's been up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant.
The crowd cheers.  The Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10
minute speech in absolutely perfect Latin.  The crowd doesn't
understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer again.
The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his
knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and screams: "Anybody got
a match?"
%
  Is Windows a Virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1)  They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2) Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3) Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay,
Windows does that too.

4) Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with
valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

5) Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too
slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with
Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running
on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and
they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.  So Windows is
not a virus.

It's a bug.
%
	During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a
red-face country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
"Hey, you almost hit my wife."
	"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast.  "Terribly sorry.  Have a shot
at mine, over there."
%
	An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by
cannibals.  The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even
though you are about to killed, your deaths will not be in vain.
Every part of your body will be used.  Your flesh will be eaten, for
my people are hungry.  Your hair will be woven into clothing, for my
people are naked.  Your bones will be ground up and made into
medicine, for my people are sick.  Your skin will be stretched over
canoe frames, for my people need transportation.  We are a fair
people, and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial
knife."
	The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the
Queen", while plunging the knife into his heart.
 	The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and
yells, "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
	The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
%
	"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
	"Diet."
%
	A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing
his kilt.  As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in
a red convertible eyeing him and giggling.  One of them called out,
"Hey, Scotty!  What's worn under the kilt?"
	He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass,
are you SURE you want to know?"  Somewhat nervously, the blonde
replied yes, she did really want to know.
	The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's
worn under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
%
	"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his
best to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse
suite in the posh hotel.
	"No.  No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
	"Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
	"Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman.  "Would you bring me
a postcard?"
%
	There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money
by going from house to house offering to do odd jobs.  He explained
this to a man who answered one door.
	"How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
	"Forty dollars."
	"Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
	Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door
again.  "All done!", he says, and collects his money.  "By the way,"
the student says, "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
%
	Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design.
Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas guage,
nor any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.
Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the
center of the dashboard.  "The experienced driver", he says, "will
usually know what's wrong."
%
	A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning
the power off and on.  Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke
sternly, "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no
understanding of what is going wrong."  Knight turned the machine off
and on.  The machine worked.
%
"Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
"We wound barbed wire around them."
"That stop him?"
"No, but it sure slowed him up."
%
	Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all
of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.  She wore a
bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one
could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall
tan.  She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs;
she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her
rear.
	"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager
of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.  "The Hilton
doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much
appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
	"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.  "No
one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
	"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man.  "You're lying
on the dining room skylight."
%
	"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now
beginning to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you
is, shall this beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her
loveliest years in a dark prison cell?  Or shall she be set free to
return to her cozy little apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to
spend her lonely, loveless hours in her boudoir, lying beside her
little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
%
	Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great
river.  One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to
him to be the biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught.  He fought
with it for hours, until, finally, he managed to bring it to the
surface.  Looking of the edge of the boat, he saw the head of this
huge fish breaking the surface.  Smiling with pride, he reached over
the edge to pull the fish up.  Unfortunately, he accidently caught his
watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a snap, and his
watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud "sploosh!"
Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch.  Sadly,
the fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back
home.
	Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working
in a boring assembly-line job in a large city.  He worked in a
fish-processing plant.  It was his job, as each fish passed under his
hands, to chop off their heads, readying them for the next phase in
processing.  This monotonous task went on for years, the dull *thud*
of the cleaver chopping of each head being his entire world, day after
day, week after weary week.  Well, one day, as he was chopping fish,
he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on the line
looked very familiar.  Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish he
had lost on that day so many years ago?  He trembled with anticipation
as his cleaver came down.  IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD!  IT WAS HIS
THUMB!
%
	A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his
tests.  "I have some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse
news."  The bad news is that you only have six weeks to live."
	"Oh, no," says the patient.  "What could possibly be worse
than that?"
	"Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
last Monday."
%
	Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
afternoon.  Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over
near the edge of the fairway.  Just as he was about to chip out, he
noticed a long funeral procession going past on a nearby street.
Reverently, George removed his hat and stood at attention until the
procession had passed.  Then he continued his game, finishing with a
birdie on the eighteenth.  Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer
greet George.  "Say, that was a nice gesture you made today, George.
	"What do you mean?" asked George.
	"Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
	"Oh, yes," said George.  "Well, we were married 17 years, you
know."
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	"How'd you get that flat?"
	"Ran over a bottle."
	"Didn't you see it?"
	"Damn kid had it under his coat."
%
A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach
and observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned
woman.  As they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the
pump.
	The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men,
you may yet save her!!"
	The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According
to my understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped
more water from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet
in diameter and 6 feet high."
	The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
%
A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd
gathered by the side of the street.  Curiousity got the better of him
and he leaned out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on.
The fellow explained that a protestor against the U.S. position in
South America had doused himself with gasoline and set himself on
fire.  "That's terrible," gasped the man.  "But why is everyone still
standing around?"
	"Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
onlooker explained.  "Would you be willing to help?"
	"Well, sure," replied the New Yorker.  "I suppose I could spare a
gallon or two."
%
... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
objects and member functions.  Specifically, members may be placed in the
public, private, or protected parts of a class.  Members declared in the
public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses.  C++ also supports
the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
other's private parts.
		-- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
%
A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
a very charming woman staring admiringly at him.  He walked over and spoke 
with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
in as Mr. and Mrs.
	After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front 
desk and told the clerk he was checking out.  In a few minutes, he was handed
a bill for $2500.
	"There must be some mistake," the salesman said.  "I've been here for
only three days."
	"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.  "But your wife has been here a month
and a half."
%
A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
sitting in the yard watching the pig.  
	"That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman. 
	"Sure is, son," the farmer replied.  "Why, two years ago, my daughter
was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
	"Amazing!"  the salesman exlaimed.
	"And that's not the only thing.  Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
the north forty when a tree fell on me.  Pinned me to the ground, it did.  
That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
Saved my life."
	"Fantastic!  the salesman said.  But tell me, how come the pig has
three wooden legs?"
	The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement.  "Mister, when you 
got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
%
A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth.  Afterwards, the doctor
came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
	"Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
	"Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how.  Your son
(we assume) was born with no body.  He only has a head."
	Well, the doctor was correct.  The Head was alive and well, though no
one knew how.  The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
the circumstances.
	One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
phone call from another doctor.  The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
an operation.  Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
his head!"
	The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
up.  She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
surprise for you!"
	"Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
%
A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
	The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
the hard way.  The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
field stones... did it the hard way.  That hardwood floor in the living
room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way.  The ceiling
beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
	Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in.  The farmer
looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
obviously and smiles.  "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
%
A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard.  One of the men
gets out and goes into the office.
	"I need some four-by-two's," he says.
	"You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
	The man scratches his head.  "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
check." 
	Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
acceptable.
	"OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
	The guy gets the blank look again.  "Uh... I guess I better go
check," he says.
	He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
conversation.  The guy comes back into the office.  "A long time," he says,
"we're building a house".
%
	For example, in Year 1 that useless letter 'c' would be dropped to be
replased either by 'k' or 's', and likewise 'x' would no longer be part of the
alphabet. The only kase in which 'c' would be retained would be the 'ch'
formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform 'w' spelling,
so that 'which' and 'one' would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might
well abolish 'y' replasing it with 'i' and Iear 4 might fiks the 'g-j'
anomali wonse and for all.
	Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with
Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so
modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.  Bai
Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez
'c', 'y' and 'x' - bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu
riplais 'ch', 'sh', and 'th' rispektivli.
	Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a
lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
		-- Mark Twain
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A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
		-- Klipstein
%
All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
		-- Saint Patrick
%
	"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
	"How do you know?" the friend asked.
	"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
	"So?"
	"So, she's a liar.  I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
%
	Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home 
from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
	"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly.  "You
promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
nine.  It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
	"Honey, wait," said Harry.  "Let me explain.  I know what I promised
you, but I have a very good reason for being late.  Fred and I tee'd off
right on time and everything was find for the first three holes.  Then, on
the fourth tee Fred had a stroke.  I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
find a doctor.  And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead.  So, for
the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
%
A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska.  He drove for three days
and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
line.  He halted his car and walked up to the border guard.  "Hi, there!  How
do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
	The guard looked him up and down and grinned.  "Waal," he answered,
there are three things you gotta do to get in.  First, drink down a quart of
110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'.  Second, kill a grizzly bear, a
third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
	"Sounds easy enough," said the Texan.  "Where can I get a quart of
this here corn liquor?"
	"Got one right here," replied the guard.
	The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
	"Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
	The Texan lurched merrily off.  About an hour later he returned
with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody.  He was
smiling happily.  "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
want killed?"
%
	The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
	"What happened?"
	"Dunno," replied the man.  "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
-- well, I'll be damned.  There goes another one!"
%
              The Drinkers Fault Finding Guide
              ================================

Symptom  : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault    : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part
           of face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with
           as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom  : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale
           and clear.
Fault    : Glass is empty.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom  : Room is spinning.
Fault    : Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution : Vomit on person doing the spinning.

Symptom  : Feet cold and wet.
Fault    : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom  : Feet warm and wet.
Fault    : Loss of self-control.
Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog.  After a while complain to its
           owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom  : Lap cool and wet.
Fault    : Drooling on yourself.
Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

Symptom  : Bar blurred.
Fault    : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom  : Bar moving.
Fault    : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar.  If not complain
           loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Sympton  : Bar looks like a circus.
Fault    : You're at a circus.
Solution : Go to a bar.

Symptom  : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a
           fluorescent strip across it.
Fault    : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking
           arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you
           to the bar.

Symptom  : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and
           dog-ends.
Fault    : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom  : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot
           see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault    : You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat
           yourself to a lie in.

Symptom  : Everything has gone dim.
Fault    : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC!!
%
A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
%
FOR SALE:
	Parachute.  Used once.
	Never opened.  Slightly Stained.
%
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.  Just
stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you
which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.  No
one will answer.
%
	While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
the woods and disappear across the clearing.  Just as she got out of sight, 
three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
	"Yes," replied the hunter.  "What's the trouble?"
	"She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
then.  We're trying to catch her."
	"I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
carrying a bucket of sand?"
	"That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
%
Cica un tren se opreste in gara la Caracal.  Un calator scoate capul
pe geam sa admire atmosfera.  Agale trece un feroviar cu ciocanul.
	"Nu va suparati, Caracal i aicea?" intreaba pasagerul.
	"Da bine ca esti tu destept!"
%
After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, 
claming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
in a wheelchair.  Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable  of walking, the
judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
	When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
Miller was confronted by several executives.  "You're not getting away with
this, Miller," one said.  "We're going to watch you day and night.  If you
take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
perjury.  Here's the money.  What do you intend to do with it?"
	"My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied.  "We'll go to
Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
%
Father:	Son, it's time we talked about sex.
Son:	Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
%
A guy goes over to his girlfriends house to watch a video movie.  The
cute girlfriend is called to a rear bedroom by her aging grandmother.
While gone the guy munches on some peanuts from a bowl in front of the
TV.  The peanuts are so good he downs the whole bowl full.  A few
minutes later the girl comes back into the living area with her
grandmother by her side and she introduces her to the guy.  He says,
"Sorry, but I ate all those peanuts, they were delicious."  The
grandmother says, "That's OK honey, I don't have any teeth and I can't
eat peanuts, but I did enjoy sucking the chocolate off them!"
%
First cow:you heard about this mad cow thing
second cow:I have
first cow: aren't you worred?
second cow:No I am a duck
%
There was a Texan, a Californian, and a Washingtonian camping in the woods.
By the campfire after dark the Texan opened up a bottle of Yukon Jack, took
a swig, thru the bottle in the air, pulled out a double barrel shotgun, and
blew the bottle to pieces.  The Washingtonian looked at him and said, "Why
didn't you finish it?"  The Texan replied, "It's okay, we've got plenty of
Yukon Jack where I come from. 

      The Californian then pulled out a bottle of Cabernet, took a sip, then
threw the rest in the air, pulled out a 38 special, and shot the bottle.  He
then looked around and said, "That's okay, we've got plenty more in
California."  

     The Washingtonian then pulled out a bottle of Micro-Brewery Ale, drank
it all down, tossed the empty bottle in air, pulled out a pistol, shot the
Californian, and caught the bottle.  He then looked over at the Texan and
said, "It's okay, we've got plenty of Californians in Washington, but I have
to recycle the bottle."
%
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.  
   The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He 
says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."  
   The grandfather replies,  "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's 
too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." 
   The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of 
hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a 
board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.  
   The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the 
hair spray and runs into the house.
   Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the  
little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you 
already  gave me five dollars." 
   The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
%
Said a doctor to an amputee: "I've got good news and bad news. The bad
news is that we amputated the wrong leg. The good news is that your other
leg does not have to be amputated at all."
%
A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along
and hit the door, ripping it off completely.  When the police arrived
at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to
his precious BMW.  
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he whined.  
"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the
officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't
even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaad...", replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left
shoulder where his arm once was, "where's my Rolex!!!!!"  
%
  A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an 
experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to 
disperse some people who were loitering.
  The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on 
a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and siad, "Let's get off the 
corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" 
Intimidated, the group of people begaan to leave, casting puzzled glances 
in his direction. 
  Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his 
partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
  Pretty good, " replied the veteran, "especially since this is a bus stop."
%
Two old friends met on the street and one invited the other to dinner.
"We live in apartment 12B," he said. "Just lean on the bell with your
elbow."

"Why should I use my elbow ?" the other asked.

"You weren't thinking of coming empty-handed, were you?"
%
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

	(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
	(2) Advising the President.
	(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
		-- David Letterman
%
Advertising guy burns out after 30 years. Finally decides he's had it
with the pressure, the clients being right when they're dead wrong,
the deadlines, the upset stomach. He moves to a small town in Vermont.

After six months, even the town makes him claustrophobic, so he moves
20 miles out into the country, buys forty acres and builds a shack. No
phone, no electricity and his water supply is a creek that runs a
quarter of a mile from his home. Once a month he goes to
town for groceries.

Heaven. Shangri-La. Walden. Nirvana. The advertising guy is finally at
peace.

One day there is a knock at his door. The first. He answers it and
finds himself facing a tall, robust native Vermonter.

NATIVE: Howdy, neighbah.

ADMAN: What do you mean neighbor. I don't have any neighbors here.

NATIVE: I'm your neighba from four mile down the crick. Walked ovah
heah to invite ya' to a pahty I'm havin' this Sattidy night.

ADMAN: A party. I haven't even talked to anyone in months. A party
sound's wonderful. I'll be there.

NATIVE: 'Ought to warn ya' there might be some heavy drinkin' takin'
place.

ADMAN: No need to warn me. That sounds just fine.

NATIVE: Ay-uh. And some fightin' might break out upon occasion.

ADMAN: That's fine. Wonderful. I love a good fight.

NATIVE: And there's likely to be some unusual sexual activities.

ADMAN: What a fabulous party. I'm really looking forward. What should
I wear?

NATIVE: Oh, ya' kin weah pretty much whatevah ya' please. There'll
just be the two of us.
%
Jesus and Moses decide to play Augusta National for their weekly golf
match. All goes well until they reach the 16th hole. As Jesus extracts
his 6 iron for this shot over water Moses tells him he should use a
longer club as "you won't reach the green with only a 6 iron."
Jesus Replies, "I saw Jack Nicklaus use a 6 iron here just last week
and he carried the green easily." He then proceeded to hit the ball
into the water a few yards short of the green. "Will you go get it for
me", he asked Moses and Moses parted the waters of the pond and walked
out and picked up the ball belonging to Jesus from among all the other
balls on the floor of the pond. After returning it to Jesus he noticed
that Jesus was about to try again with his 6 iron. 
"You'll never get it there with that club. If you hit it into the
water again you'll have to retrieve it yourself!" Of course he did
just that and as Jesus was walking out on the surface of the pond to
get his ball the foursome playing behind them caught up to them. 
One of the men walked up to Moses and asked, "who does that guy think
he is, Jesus Christ?" Moses replied, "He is Jesus Christ. He THINKS
he's Jack Nicklaus!"
%
Bill Clinton wakes up and looks out of his window onto the White House lawn.
He sees that someone has pissed in the snow the words "Bill Clinton is a
small dick loser!"
He gets really angry and calls in the FBI to investigate who did this.
A while later, they come back, and say "We've got some bad news and some
worse news. The bad news is that we've forensically identified the urine
as Al Gores."
"Oh no!" cries Bill. "My most trusted aide! What's the worse news?"
"It's in Hilary's handwriting."
%
I just wish that Dan Quayle would stop that endless smiling all the time. How
are we going to send him overseas to all those funerals?
%
As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamikaze dive into a different
glass.
	The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
with a spoon,  flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
	The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips.  With
a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
down in one gulp.
	Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off.  Then, in a
firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
%
(WARNING: THIS JOKE CONTAINS SOME POSSIBLY OFFENSIVE MATERIAL; 
READ AT YOUR OWN RISK).

This guy was out bear hunting, and came upon a stand of trees adjacent to
a clearing, and thought it looked like a good place to lie in wait to see
if a bear came by. Sure enough, after a short while, he caught sight of a
bear lumbering through the clearing. He leveled his rifle, took careful
aim, and squeezed one off. BANG! 

He looked toward the clearing and saw the fur flying, so he was pretty
sure he nailed the bear. He walked over, and started looking around, but
he couldn't see the bear anywhere. He was standing there sort of confused
when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around and sure as shit, the
bear was standing right behind him.

The bear said, "Well, the way I see it, I can either maul you to death
right here on the spot, or you can give me a blow job." The hunter didn't
want to die, so he reluctantly granted the bear's request.

The hunter went home, and the more he thought about what had happened the
more his humiliation turned to rage. He swore that the following day, he'd
go back out and kill that son of a bitch bear.

So he set out in the morning with his AK-47, and returned to the same
spot. He waited a while, and sure enough the bear came lumbering through
the clearing. He aimed the assault weapon and fired. BOOM!!

He saw the fur flying, and walked over to inspect his kill. But he
couldn't find the damned bear! Then he felt a tap on his shoulder. He
looked around, and the bear said, "Well, either I maul you, or I give it
to you right up the ass."

Again the hunter let the bear have his way, then returned home.

That night, the hunter started getting really pissed off. The next morning
he got out his bazooka and went out again in search of the bear. He waited
by the clearing for a while, and soon the bear appeared again. He aimed
the bazooka, and fired. KA-BOOOOOM!!!

He saw the fur fly, and walked over to the clearing. He looked around, but
no bear! Then he felt a familiar tap on his shoulder, and turned around.

The bear said, "Tell me the truth. You ain't in this for the hunting, are you?"
%
During finals at Purdue University in West Lafayette, Ind., test papers 
were being distributed to the class. After conferring with a nervous 
assistant, the professor spoke. "There's a problem," he said. "One of you 
has the answer key instead of the test." Reaching into his billfold, he 
continued, "If you identify yourself, this five-dollar bill is yours."

A young man raised his hand, and the professor walked toward him. "Wait a 
minute," shouted another student.  "I'll give you fifty dollars."
%
Sean is invited to join his good friend Bufu on a deer hunt. My goodness,
isn't Sean excited! He can't even sleep the night before opening day.

At 4:30 AM, the two lads trudge through the woods. Bufu chooses a 
tree to set up his stand, and points out another, about a half-mile
away, for Sean, who sleepily agrees.

After a couple hours waiting for a deer, and fighting to stay awake,
Sean is seized with another feeling -- he's got to take a dump!
He climbs out of his tree stand, drops his pants, and squats down
over a log. However he's constipated. :(

The travel, the lack of sleep, the excitement -- it all catches up
with him, and as he's waiting for his bowels to move, he falls fast
asleep.

Meanwhile.

Bufu, in his stand, alertly notices some movement. He brings his rifle
up, and a nice 6pt buck walks directly into his cross-hairs!
Safety off, squeeeeeeze the trigger - WHAM! The deer drops. Bufu
climbs down, field dresses the deer, then goes in search of Sean,
wanting some help to drag the deer out.

He finds Sean in the position described earlier -- squatting down
still asleep. Bufu chuckles, then decides to play a practical
joke. He goes back to where he's gutted the deer, and collects an
armful of intestines. He creeps back to where Sean is still
asleep, and carefully places the enormous pile directly under
Sean's exposed ass. Then returns to the deer. 

Fifteen minutes later, as Bufu is huffing and puffing, trying
to drag the deer out himself, he sees Sean who looks kind of
green, and considerably ill. What's wrong, he inquires?

"Oh man, oh man!," Sean says. "I squatted down for a crap and
dozed off -- but when I woke up, I had shit out my guts!!"

Bufu gasps.

"But, thanks to God, and the help of a short stick, I got 'em
all back up."
%
Q. How many men does it take to tile a roof?
A. It depends on how thinly you slice them.
%
A guy knocked off early from work and checked in at the local saloon. 
By two o'clock in the morning, he was trashed. Buying a pint of tequila 
for the road and slipping it in his back pocket, he staggered outside, 
tripped over a curb and fell on his ass, busting the whiskey bottle.
   At home, he starts to feel a little pain. He looks in a mirror after 
undressing and sees the blood and the cuts on his butt. Trying to focus 
on the mirror, he repairs the damage as best he can, then crashes in 
bed. 
   The next morning, he wakes up with a hangover from hell, feeling like 
he'd been chewed up by a coyote and shit off a cliff. 
   He looks up through the pain and fog, and sees his wife standing 
beside the bed. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said.  
"Where'd you go?"
   "I worked late and I stopped off at the Lonesome Dove for a couple of 
beers."
   "A couple of beers, hell!" she snorted. "You got so plastered last 
night you couldn't see straight!"
   "What makes you think that?"
   "My first big clue was when I got up this morning  and found a bunch 
of band-aids stuck to the bathroom mirror."
%
A young woman is sitting on the bus cooing to her baby when a drunk 
staggers down the aisle. Stopping and weaving in front of her, he 
focuses on her and finally mutters, "Lady, that's the ugliest baby I've 
ever seen in my whole life."  
  The woman burst into tears. Looking at the commotion in his rear-view 
mirror, the driver stops the bus, goes back and glares at the drunk for 
a minute, then throws him off the bus.
   Returning with his lunch pail to the young woman, he says, "Look, I 
don't know what the bum said to you, but to help calm you down, you can 
have my coffee."
   He takes out a steaming thermos, pours her a cup of coffee and hands 
it to her. Digging back in the lunch pail, he takes out a banana. 
"And here--this is for your pet monkey."
%
A dummy goes ice fishing. He starts to auger a hole in the ice when a 
loud booming voice says, "There's no fish down there!" 
   Dummy stops drilling, moves a little way, and starts to drill again. 
   The same voice booms, "There's no fish down there!" 
   Dummy moves a little further and is about to drill again, but the 
voice immediately booms, "There's no fish down there!" 
   Dummy looks around and says, "Who are you anyways? God?" 
   "No, you jerk! I'm the caretaker of this skating rink!" 
%
Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest 
thing in the world.
   First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick 
your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and 
hits the brain."
   Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and 
open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is 
changed."
   Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you 
press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."
   Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think its the Mexican-two-step 
diarrhea."
   All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?"
   Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border 
to a saloon last night and drank a buncha home-made Mexican tequilla. On 
the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two 
helpings of her Mexican Special, which had been warmed over a time or 
two, and a buncha jalapenas and some chili peppers I never saw before."
   First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or 
diarrhea?"
   Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed? I felt this 
fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or 
blink, or turn that fucking light on....
%
        Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
Guinevere, into her chastity belt.  Then he summoned his loyal friend and
subject Sir Lancelot.  "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife.  The key to this chaste
treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world.  To you."
        Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
blessing and took charge of the key.  Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
        "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
        "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
%
     There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old,
abandoned mine shaft.  Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble
and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard
nothing.  They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited.
Still nothing.  They searched the area for something larger and came
upon a railroad tie.  With great difficulty, the two men carried it to
the opening and threw it in.  While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat
suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
     The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their
faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them.  He
asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said
that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them!  The man
replied, "Oh no.  That couldn't be *my* goat, mine was tied to a
railroad tie."
%
While out on the golf course, a gentleman suddenly falls over
on the ninth green.  "Heart attack", he calls over to a friend,
who then races off to find help.  The friend returns shortly,
panting slightly, and says "Don't worry, I found a doctor on
the third hole who can help you, and they are going to let him
play thru."
%
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there,
it was approached by a pirate ship, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze! 
"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate. 
"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring
me my red shirt." The first mate did so. 
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight.
So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without
casualties. 
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate
sloops! 
"Captain, captain, what should we do?" 
"First mate, bring me my red shirt!" 
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed
to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night,
the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the captain the
secret of his bright red shirt. 
"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the
crew continues to fight without fear." 
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the
lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching! 
"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble! What do we do?" The first mate
looked expectantly at the miracle worker. 
Pale with fear, the captain commanded,
"First mate... bring me my brown pants!" 
%
Latest discovery:
helicopters with ejection seats
%
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of
whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their
glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks:
  'Can your dog perform other tricks?'.
  'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even satisfy a woman'.
Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a
little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation
she lies down on the bed.
The dogs looks at her and does nothing.
  'It's always the same thing with you!',the man then shouts to
  the dog, 'I'll show you how to do it one last time'.
%
warning: this may be offensive.  read at own risk.

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by
chance their seats were next to the elephant pen.  When his father left
to buy popcorn, the boy piped up,
        "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
        "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
        "No, not that."
        "Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
        "No, Mom.  Down underneath."
        His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
        Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get
a soda.  As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.
        "That's the elephant's trunk, son."
        "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is.  The thing at the
other end."
        "Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
        "No.  Down there."
        The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's
penis."
        "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
        The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled*
that woman."
%
How many blondes does it take to milk a cow?
5: one to hold the teats (the udder) and four to shake the cow up and down.
%
	Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the
mirror, admiring her breasts.
	"And what do you think you're doing?" he asked.
	"I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a
twenty-five-year-old."
	"Oh yeah?  And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old
ass?"
	"Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."
%
	A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have
some good news and some bad news."
	He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news."
	She replied, "You're not sterile."
%
TRUST:	Two cannibals having oral sex.
%
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
		-- Woody Allen
%
"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came
upon his wife in bed with another man.  The wife turned and smiled at her
companion.
	"See?" she said.  "I told you he was stupid!"
%
A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the
greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple."
	Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand.
	"Yes, Tony?"
	"Christopher Columbus!" says Tony.
	"Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man,
but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived."
	From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand.
	"Yes, Bernie?"
	"Jesus Christ", says Bernie.
	"That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher.  "And here is
your apple."
	When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize,
the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised
that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived."
	"Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge,
but business is business."
%
ADULTERY:
	Putting yourself in someone else's position.
%
As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept
saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with
one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard,
you're a veterinarian."
%
A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive
little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid.
		-- Adolf Hitler
%
A man was talking to his best friend about his married life.  "You know," he
says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to
me, but there's *always* that doubt.  There's *always* that little doubt."
	"Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
	"Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend,
and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone?  I trust
her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt."
	The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
	"I've got some bad news for you," says the friend.  "The evening
after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house.  A man
got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife.
After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him.  Then, he
took off his shirt and she took off her blouse.  And then the light went
out."
	"*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
	"Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
	"Damn!" roared the husband.  "You see what I mean?  There's *always*
that doubt!"
%
A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand-
father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit
used to raid towns around here!  Did you ever know him?"
	"Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man.  "Why, boy, before
your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse.  Suddenly, from
behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn!  He told me to get
down off the horse and to give him all my money.  Then, he told me to scoop
some manure from the ground and eat it!"
	"I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit.
And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up --
I grabbed the guns from his hands!  I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now
it's your turn -- you eat the shit!'  I had the guns, so he ate the shit.
	"And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit!  Why,
we had *lunch* together!"
%
Trei furnici pe spinarea unui elefant.  Elefantul se scutura si cad
doua.  Ramine una pe git.  Cele de jos:
-Sugruma-l, sugruma-l!
%
A man and a woman got married.  Although it is the first time for the
husband, it is the woman's second marriage.  As they go to bed on their
wedding night, the wife says to her husband:

	"Dear, there's something I must tell you.  I'm a virgin."
Naturally, the husband is surprised.
	"You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a
virgin?"
	"Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a
Microsoft computer programmer."
	"What's so odd about that?", he asked.
	"Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and
tell me how great it was going to be."
%
667 -- The neighbor of the beast.
%
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it
into a urinal.  Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar
and repeats this sequence -- several times.  Finally the bartender got so
curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.
	Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."
%
A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
hard it was to get any sleep.
	"I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
	"That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
	"At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."
%
	Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club 
car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
	"I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
London?"
	The American laughed.  "It was my home for two years during the war," 
he said.  "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
	The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
he say, Reggie?"
	"He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
replied.
	After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You 
didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
	The American almost fell off his chair.  "Hot Pants Hazel!" he 
exclaimed.  "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months 
just before I came back to the States!"
	"What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
	"He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
%
There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a
chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer.

The car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the
engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical
engineer.

"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel mght
be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be a grounding problem", says the electrical engineer,
"or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well,
what do you think?"

"Ummm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"
%
	An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
I have not been enlightened.  What should I do?"
	Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
		-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
%
After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded
bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on
his way to see his wife.  Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked
on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it.  "Where the hell have
you been?" she blared.  "You busted out more than six hours ago!"
%
	"How many people work here?"
	"Oh, about half."
%
	Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly 
approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
	"Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?  
All I have in the world is this gun."
%
	Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his
testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
no attention to the signal.
	The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
"I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
	"No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
%
	n = ((n >>  1) & 0x55555555) | ((n <<  1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
	n = ((n >>  2) & 0x33333333) | ((n <<  2) & 0xcccccccc);
	n = ((n >>  4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n <<  4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
	n = ((n >>  8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n <<  8) & 0xff00ff00);
	n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);

-- Reverse the bits in a word.
%
	The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of
the week.  As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at
the door.  "Please come in!  We're very grateful for your years of service to
us and our neighborhood.  I've prepared something special for you."
 	In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where
Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch.  After dumping his letter satchel
on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal.  As the mailman finished
his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from
leaving and disappears upstairs.  She returns in a moment, in a daring
negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate
farewell is consummated between the sheets.
 	As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand,
pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him.  Reacting to his astonished
look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that
we should do something for you.  He said 'Fuck him.  Give him a dollar!'"
She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea."
%
- Ai poze porno cu nevasta-ta?
- Nu!
- Cumperi?
%
So up goes an Irishman to the pearly gates, and he patiently waits for
St. Peter to look up from his work.  Finally, he gives the Irishman his
attention.

"And you are...?" St. Peter asks.

"I'm Kevin O'Conlan," replies the Irishman.

"Hmm, O'Conlan...O'Conlan..." the gatekeeper mused, poring over his compen-
dious list of people and events.  "Ah, here we are.  Kevin O'Conlan...you're
a member of the Irish Republican Army."

"Yeh, that'd be me," replies Kevin.

"You blew up that pub in London!"

"Yeh."

"You also blew up a bus in Belfast and a munitions transport in 
Northumberland."

"Yeh, that's all me work," comes the nonplussed reply.

St. Peter is just amazed at this guy, and when he finally finds words,
he blurts, "Well, good God, man, we just can't let you in here!"

"Let me in, Hell!" says Kevin.  "I come to tell you you've got ten
minutes to get out!"
%
There was this guy who adored this delicacy called the tomyam
soup. He has to have this soup everyday of his life, you see. No day
would be complete without it. In fact, he can't go to sleep at night
without having his daily bowl of tomyam soup.

One day, he goes to a Thai restaurant... the very place that he
always go to everytime he craves for the soup. The waiters and the
manager knew him well, particularly this one waiter who would always
get good tips from this guy. The waiter ushers him to his table and
brings him a bowl of piping hot tomyam soup. The guy just stared at
the bowl without even lifting a finger.

The waiter waited and waited but the guy didn't even touch his
soup. So he figured "maybe its too hot" so he blew in it to reduce the
heat. Still the guy does nothing. The waiter figured "maybe its too
cold" so he heat it up. But the guy still remained as he was.

Finally the waiter gave up in frustration and said, "For God's
sake, you gotta say something to somebody."

"Alright, wiseguy,"said the customer. "You taste the soup."

The waiter leans forward and said, "Where the hell's the spoon?"

"A-HA!" said the customer.
%
	Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
complexities.  Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
	Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
available to anyone.
		-- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
%
  A woman gets driven to the hospital by her husband, well on in labor, 
and gives birth in the elevator on the way up to the maternity floor.  
She is very upset by this so the nurse tries to comfort her by telling 
her that just last year they had a mother give birth 20 feet from the 
car that drove her in, only to have the mother say 'Yes!  That was me 
too!'.
%
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over
the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
%
A woman rushes into the vet's office carrying her ailing pet.
"Please," she begs, "you've got to do something for my dog!"

The doctor leads her to the examining room where she gently lays
the animal on the table.  After a brief check of the body, the
vet declares, "Ma'am, I'm afraid your dog is dead."

"Oh, no," sobs the woman, "He can't be!  Please, I beg you, there must
be something you can do to help him!"  

So the doctor takes a closer look -- he lifts one of the dog's eyes,
feels its nose, feels the chest for a pulse -- but there is nothing,
the corpse is cold and lifeless.  "I'm really sorry, ma'am, but your
dog is gone."  

The woman begins to sob, "Oh, please!  Isn't there something you can
do to help him?  ANYTHING!?"  

The vet sighs, then says, "Well, there is one more thing I can try."
He goes into the next room for a moment, and returns with a live cat.
Grasping the cat firmly in one hand, he waves the hissing feline in
the dog's face, all around the dog's body, then in the dog's face
again.  But the dog just lies there, so the vet returns the cat to the
next room.  "I'm really sorry, ma'am, but your dog is really dead, and
nobody can bring him back."  

Regathering her composure, the woman sniffs, wipes away a tear, and
asks the vet, "Well, at least thank you for trying.  How much do I owe
you?"  

"That'll be 320 dollars," says the vet.  Shocked, the woman exclaims,
"What?!  But you really didn't do anything!"  

"Standard fee," says the vet.  "$20 for the examination, and $300 for
the cat scan."
%
Tobacco wasn't getting such a bad press back in his day, and Thomas
Edison was a heavy smoker of stogies. But he was somewhat annoyed when
his friends helped themselves liberally to his expensive cigars from
Cuba. He decided to play a practical joke on them. He had a cigar
maker construct a lot of authentic-looking smokes made entirely of
cabbage leaves with brown paper wrapping. He left these in a prominent
place on his desk. Then in a day or two he left on a short trip. When
he returned, his Havanas started disappearing again.

"But what did you do with those--er--new cigars I ordered?" he asked
his secretary.

"Oh, those," said the secretary. "I took it for granted that those
cigars were something special. So I put that box in your suitcase."

My goodness!" exclaimed Edison. "You mean to say that I smoked every
one of those lousy things myself?"
%
        A first-time Congressman was being interviewed by the local
paper.  "Mr. Congressman," said the reporter, "when you get to
Washington, are you going to be a pawn for the powerful interests that
most of your constituents think will control you?"
        "I resent that question, Sir," the Congressman replied.  "I do
not plan to take my wife to Washington."
%
A young fellow and his girl are parked in a lover's lane that runs
along a river. The guy wants to make love, but the girl is afraid
somebody will come along and see them. They decide to do it under his
Dodge 4 X 4 pickup with oversized tires and lots of room under.
   A few minutes later, a county deputy pulls up and says, "Hey, what
the devil you all doing down there?" 
   The young fellow being in a full rut doesn't even look up, but
manages to say, "I'm  fixing my muffler."
   The deputy says, "Well, son, you shoulda been fixin' your parking
brake, 'cause your truck just rolled into the river."
%
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket
when he slipped and fell heavily.  Struggling to his feet, he felt
something wet running down his leg.  "Please, God," he implored, "let
it be blood!"
%
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
		-- Tom Lehrer
%
**WATCH OUT: This is a bit sadisctic.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their 
adventures on the seas.  The seaman notes that the pirate has a 
peg-leg, a hook-hand, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept
overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out,
a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and
were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my
hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked
incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."
%
An old lady calls the newspaper and asks for the obituary section.
The obit guy asks, "What can I do for you?'
   "I'd like to place an obituary."
   "Awright, how would you like it to read?'
   "Irving Cohen died."
   "That's it? Irving Cohen died?"
   "That's it."
   "But you get four lines in the obit. It's included in the price."
   "All right. Irving Cohen died...Cadillac for sale."
%
Common Laser sign found around many laser labs:

Caution:
Do not look into laser with remaining eye!
%
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

"You , attorney Leon; gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave
me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket & pulled out a check.  He handed it
to Leon....

"Now then, I'm returning $5,000 & we're going to decide this case
solely on its merits."
%
** Warning: this is a bit offensive (talks about sex).

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon,
he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for
Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual com
traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.  Before
he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr.
Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some
rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in
either the Russian nor American space programs.

Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good
luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant.  On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while
answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26
year old question to Armstrong.  He finally responded.  It seems that
Mr.  Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the
question.  When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his
brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in
front of his neighbors' bedroom window.  The neighbors were Mr and
Mrs.  Gorsky.  As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs.
Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex?  Oral sex you want?  You'll
get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
%
This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.  One
day, he sees a speck in the horizon.  He thinks to himself, "It's not
a ship."  The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a
boat."  The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet
suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've
had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and
pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!
Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of
whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve,
pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of
her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since
you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God!  Don't tell me that you've got golf
clubs in there!"
%
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower:  "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!!  Do you
have the airfield in sight?!?!!"

Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where
the fuel truck is."
%
During a trial a lawyer asks a farmer, "At the scene of the accident,
did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?" 
   "Sure did," said the farmer.
   Lawyers says, "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you
were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?" 
   Farmer says, "When the deputy arrived, he went over to my horse,
which had a broke leg, and shot him. Then he went over to my dog, which
was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I figured
that under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I
never felt better in my life." 
%
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
game.  Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
along it at the water's edge.  Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.  Then, the
paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
colony and overfly it.  Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
fall over gently onto their backs.
		-- Audobon Society Magazine
%
** Warning: political joke [I didn't compose it; don't blame me]

A democrat and a republican were in the Bahamas scuba diving.

Lying on the beach, the republican says "ah, this is the life"

"Yeah" says the democrat, "and it wouldn't have happened except for the
fire.  My house burned down, and I lost everything.  But the insurance
covered all my losses and I had enough left over to come here while my
house is being built"

"What a coincidence" says the republican "I'm here because I lost my
house in a flood, and everything was covered, with enough left over for
THIS trip.  I'll be here till my house is finished"

The democrat looks puzzled and pounderous for about an hour.  Not being
able to take it anymore, he asks the republican

"How the heck do you start a flood?"
%
* Warning: a bit sadistic

	On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum 
to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.  
There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning 
alive.  "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't 
dead yet.  I can see her lips moving.  Go quickly and find out what she is 
saying."
	The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
the flames as he dared, and listened intently.  Then he turned and ran back
to the imperial box.  "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
singing."
	"Singing?" said the astounded emperor.  "Singing what?"
	"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
%
		WinErr 00AB: Device `mouse' not found.
		  Click on left button to continue.
%
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents.  Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first
time.  Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.  He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.  At the register,
the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a
3-pack, 10-pack or family pack.  The boy insists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and
all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door.

"Oh I'm so excited for your to meet my parents, come on in!"  The boy
goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents
are seated.  The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
down.  10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.  Finally,
after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over
and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this
religious." 

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist!"
%
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
        There are no answers, only cross references.
%
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor,
I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without
repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet,
conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.  One
day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat,
shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"  But this just makes the bird
mad and he swears more than ever.  Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for
you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the
bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the
bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran
sailor blush.
 
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws
and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet.  At first the guy just
waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a
couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer
door.
 
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully
sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my
vocabulary from now on."  The man is astounded. He can't understand the
transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the
way, what did the chicken do?"
%
** Warning: animal lovers do not read this

In a recent issue of "Meat & Poultry" magazine, editors quoted from
"Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation,
reporting the following story:

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for
testing the strength of windshields on airplanes.  The device is an air
cannon that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately
the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact,
it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.  It seems that
British Rail was very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on
a brand new, ultra high speed locomotive they're developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired.  The
ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's
chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the
engine cab.  The British engineers were stunned and asked the FAA to
review the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA checked  the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:
"Try thawing the chicken next time."
%
                       "Woman" - A Chemical Analysis
                        ****************************
 
       Element        :    Woman
       Symbol         :    WO
       Discoverer     :    Adam
       Atomic mass    :    Accepted as 53.6 Kg, may vary from 40 to
                           200 Kg
       Occurrence     :    Copious quantities in all urban areas
 
       PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
       1.   Surface usually covered with painted film.
       2.   Boils at various temperatures, freezes without any known 	 
            reason.
       3.   Melts if given special treatment.
       4.   Bitter if incorrectly used.
       5.   Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
       6.   Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
 
       CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
       1.   Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious 
            stones.
       2.   Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
       3.   May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no
            known reason.
       4.   Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by
            saturation in alcohol.
       5.   Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
 
       COMMON USES
       1.   Mainly ornamental.
       2.   Can be a great aid in relaxation.
       3.   Very effective cleaning agent.
 
       TESTS
       1.   Pure specimen turns rosy pink when found in natural state.
       2.   Turns green when placed beside better specimen.
 
       POTENTIAL HAZARDS
       1.   Highly dangerous, except in experienced hands.
       2.   Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be
            maintained in different locations as long as specimens do
            come into direct contact with each other.
%
From the Book of Heroical Failures:

We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most
unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose
from his seat, drew a gun and took the stewardess hostage.

"Take me to Detroit," he demanded.

"We're already going to Detroit," she replied.

"Oh... good," he said, and sat down again.
%
* Warning: religious people might be offended (they shouldn't, though).

   The following announcements appeared in various church bulletins.
 
 Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
   
 Thursday night-Potluck supper.  Prayer and medication to follow.
   
 Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
    community.
   
 For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have
    a nursery downstairs.
   
 The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth 
    of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
   
 This afternoon there will be a meeting in the North & South
    ends of the church.  Children will be baptized at both ends.
   
 Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers
    Club.  All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers will meet with the
    Pastor in his study.
   
 This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward
     and lay an egg on the altar.
   
 Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost
    of the new carpet.  All those wishing to do something on the new
    carpet will come forward and do so.
   
 The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. 
     They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
   
 At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
    "What is Hell?"  Come early and listen to our choir practice.
%
                  Helpful Camping Tips

by Bruce Cochran; from the Sept. `96 issue of Backpacker:

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will
keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite
stump apart and eating all the ants.

Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over
an open fire.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm.  A hot
enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your
toes.

You'll never be awakened by the call of a loon if you have an unlisted
number.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy
Knife has remained largely unheralded.  Its single blade functions as a
tiny canoe paddle.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter.  Warning:  Remove lint
from navel before applying the match.

You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the
north side of your compass.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into
a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt.  It gives you something
to wipe your nose on.

You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running
over it with your car.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.
A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey
puck.

You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then
breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting
small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your
underwear.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent
kindling.

A large carp can be used for a pillow.

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations.  The
sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country.
The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of
politicians for toilet paper.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle
a snoring tent mate.
%
* You might find this offensive.  Not very, I think.

Two women are playing golf. The first tees off and watches in horror
as the ball heads directly toward a foursome of men playing the next 
hole. 
   The ball hits one of the guys, who immediately clasps his hands 
together at his crotch, falls to the ground and rolls around in agony.
   The woman rushes to the guy and immediately begins apologizing,
saying,  "Please allow me to help! I'm a physical therapist and I  know
I could relieve your pain if you'd just let me!"
   The guy's still in a fetal position, clasping his  hands together at
his crotch, moaning and groaning. Finally, he's able to mumble, "I'll
be...okay...in a few minutes."
   The woman takes it upon herself to begin to treat his pain. She 
begins to massage his groin. After a few moments she asks, "Does that 
feel better?"
   The guy looks up at her and says, "Yeah, lady, feels great. But my 
goddamn thumb still hurts like hell!"
%
An old farmer decides it's time to get a new rooster for his hens.
The current rooster is still doing an okay job, but he's getting on in
years.

And the farmer figures getting a new rooster can't hurt anything. So
he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him
loose in the barn yard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets
a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old
rooster.  I've got to do something about this.

He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town?
I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready
for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird.  And
to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over
there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets
to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster is a proud sort, and he definitely thinks he's
more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," says the young
rooster.  "And since you're so old, I'll even give you a head start of
half a lap. I'll still win easy," says the young rooster.

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with
all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the
hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old
rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old
guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.

Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time
around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young
rooster. By now the farmer has heard all the commotion . He runs into
the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a
fox or something is after his chickens.

When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen
house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately
takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself...

"Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
%
After the Hugh Grant incident that made the papers, Bill Gates called
up Hugh Grant.  Bill asked him "Was it really worth $50 to almost
ruin your career?"

Hugh replied "Bill, actually it was worth a million".

So Bill called up Hughes' favorite prostitute, but since she  became
so famous,  her prices had gone up quite a bit.  So Bill paid $10,000
for a night with Divine.

In  the  morning  he  said,  "That  was  fantastic!  Now  I   know
why professionally you call yourself 'divine'".

She answered "Thank you, and now  I  know  why  you  call  your
company Microsoft."
%
A guy from Montana was bragging how large his cattle ranch was,
saying, "It takes all day to ride out to the west fence, two days to
reach the south fence, another day to get to his east fence, and two
more days to get home."
   The Texan said, "Yeah, I had a horse like that once."
%
"Tell me,"said the personnel director of a large corporation "are you
an honest attorney?"
"Honest?" the lawyer replied.  "Let me tell you something. My father 
lent me ten thousand dollars for my education, and I paid him back in 
full after my first case."
"I'm impressed," he said. "And what case was that?"
The attorney squirmed slightly. "he sued me for the money."
%
Portsmouth, R.I.  Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of
vending machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police
inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine
and (2) later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.
%
On a train to a large computer convention there were a bunch of
computer programmers and a bunch of computer engineers.   Each of
the programmers had a train ticket.  The group of engineers had
only ONE ticket for all of them.  The programmers started
laughing, figuring the engineers were going to get caught and
thrown off the train.

When one of the engineers, the lookout, said "here comes the
conductor", all of the engineers went into the bathroom.  The
programmers were puzzled.

The conductor came aboard, said "tickets please" and got tickets
from all the computer programmers.  He then went to the bathroom
and knocked on the door and said "ticket please".  The engineers
stuck the ticket under the door.  The conductor took it and moved
on.   A few minutes later the engineers came out of the bathroom.
The computer programmers felt really stupid.

On the way back from the convention, the group of programmers
decided that they would try that method, too.  They bought one
ticket for the whole group.  They met up with the engineers in the
same car.

Again, the programmers started snickering at the engineers.  This
time NONE of the engineers had tickets.  When the lookout said
"Conductor coming!",  all the engineers went to one bathroom and
all the computer programmers went to the other bathroom.

Before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left
their bathroom, knocked on the programmers bathroom, and said
"ticket please."
%
There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
any worse.
%
A type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal.  For a
week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the
staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the
food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical bigshot.
   One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying, "Time to take
your temperature, sir."
   After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally
opened his mouth for the thermometer. 
   "Sorry, sir," said the nurse, "but for this test we need your
temperature from the other end." 
   After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy
finally rolled over and bared his butt.
   After the nurse finished, she said, "Stay exactly like that and don't
move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you." 
   The nurse left, leaving the door ajar. The guy's back is to the
door, and for over a quarter of an hour, he hears people wandering up
and down the hall, sniggering and chortling.
   At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his
bare ass in the air and gawked. Finally, he asks, "What's going on
here?" 
   The guy barks, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their
temperature taken?" 
   "Not with a petunia." 
%
* warning: sadistic

Attorney : "You drove one of your passengers to a secluded spot,
strangled him, dismembered his body. What have you to say?"

Defendant : "Who's going to pay the taxi fare?
%
A city slicker asks the farmer, "You been living on this one farm all
your life?"

Farmer drawls, "Not yet."
%
Our paper carried the notice last week that Mr Herman 
Jones is a defective in the police force. This was a 
typograhical error. Mr Jones, of course, is a detective
on the police farce.
             ---- The Ootlewah Times (Tennessee)
%
A young man was pulled over by the Louisiana state police for speeding. 
The officer stepped out his patrol car, pulled up his gun holster,
adjusted his mirror sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's
window.

What chew driving so fast for boy?  You going to a fire?  Let me see ya
license boy.  The young man handed over his license.  

Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the young man's car was
full of big knives.  The officer said, " Tell me boy, why you got them
knives on that there back seat?"   The young man replied, "Well Sir, I'm
a juggler."  The officer spit some tobacco juice out the side of his
mouth and then he said, " A juggler; well you don't say."  Boy put cha
hands on the trunk of your car;  you going to jail.

The young man pleaded to the officer not to take him to jail.  The young
man offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of a
demonstration.  The young man said, " You can even hold me at gun point
while I juggle for you."  The officer reluctantly allowed the young man
to prove his point while he held him at gun point.

Two miles down the road a Joe's Tavern, Jim Billy James drinking it up
with his favorite drinking buddy Homer T. Ratcliff.  Jim Billy was
heading out the door to go home to his wife.  He slumbered to his rusty
old 1976 Ford truck and crawled in.

Jim Billy was driving down highway 442, and trying his best to stay on
his side of the road.  Then all of a sudden Jim Billy saw the most
unbelievable sight of his life.  Jim Billy tried his best to keep that
pickup on the road.  Later down the road, Jim Billy stopped at the first
pay phone he saw.

He dialed the number to Joe's Tavern and asked for Homer T. Ratcliff. 
When Homer picked up the phone Jim Billy said, " Homer what ever you do
when you leave that there tavern, don't go north on highway 442.  The
state police is giving a sobriety test that can't nobody pass."
%
Police officer Michael Fenwick was scheduled for all-night duty at the
8th District station. He was relieved of duty early, and arrived home
four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 a.m. Not wanting to wake his
lucisous wife Camille, he undressed in the dark, creeped into the
bedroom and started to climb into bed.  Camille sleepily sat up and
said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store
next block and get me some extra strength Tylenol; I've got a
splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he
crawled back into his uniform and ran out of the house to the drug
store. As he arrived,the pharmicist looked up in surprise. "Say," said
the druggist, "aren't you officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said Fenwick.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the fire chief's 
uniform?"
%
Having just returned from an extended business trip, Harvey lay down
to go to sleep next to his voluptuous wife, Mimi. Mimi was dreaming
about her lover, Jacques.  Suddenly, in her dream, she imagined she
heard a familiar step outside her bedroom door. She screamed aloud in
her sleep, "Get out, quickly, my husband's coming!" With that, Harvey
leaped out of bed and bounded into the closet.
%
Two hunters paid a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk
hunting, where they bagged six nice bucks. The pilot came back as
arranged to pick them up. When they started loading their gear into the
plane, including the six elk, the pilot objected, saying, "I told you
before, the plane can only take out four of your elk. You gotta leave
two behind."
   They argued, telling him that the year before they had shot six and
the pilot had put all of them aboard, and the plane was exactly like
this one. Against his better judgment, the pilot finally permitted the
hunters to put all six aboard.
   When they attempted to take off, the plane couldn't make it, crashing
in the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the
other, "You got any idea where we are?"
   "I think so," replied the other hunter. "Ain't this is the same place
we landed last year?"
%
     Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are
expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

     Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of
their last sins before they are made holy.

     "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a
penis?"

     "Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the
tip of one with the tip of my finger."

     "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass
on into heaven."

     The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away
and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."

     "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass
on into heaven."

     Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns
is trying to cut in front.

     "Well now, what's going on here?"  says St. Peter.

     "Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve
her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I
want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in it!"
%
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and
engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores
their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she
hears one of the men say the following;

"Emma come first.  Den I come.  Two asses, they come together.  I come
again.  Two asses, they come together again.  I come again and pee
twice.  Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola downa lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa
to spella Mississippi."
%
A young lady and an old one sit on a bench waiting for the bus. The
young lady smokes a cigarette. The rain starts suddenly. The young
woman looks into her purse, and gets a condom out of it! She opens the
little envelope and wraps the cigarette into the condom to keep it out
of the rain. The old lady looks very puzzled, and thinks that she
never saw such a thing, but she also thinks it's a very useful thing
and she should buy one also.

So the old lady goes to a drugstore and tells the vendor:

- Can I have some of those, please?
- Condoms?!  Aaaaaaaa, hm, sure... Which size?
- Well, just the size of a camel
%
There's a guy with a Doberman pincher and a guy with a chihuahua. The guy 
with the Doberman pincher says to the guy with a chihuahua, "Let's go 
over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the 
chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman pincher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk 
over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman pincher puts on a pair 
of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, 
"Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman pincher says, "You don't understand. This is my 
seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman pincher?" He says, 
"Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door 
says, "Come on in."

The guy with the chihuahua figures, "What the hell," so he puts on a pair 
of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, 
pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the chihuahua says, "You don't 
understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A 
chihuahua?" He says, "You mean they gave me a chihuahua?"
%
A blind guy stops at an intersection with his guide-dog. The sign
lights to cross, but instead of helping his owner to cross, the  dog
cocks his leg an pees on the man's pants. The blind guy reaches in his
pocket and gives the dog a cookie. 
   A fellow next to them observes this and tells the blind guy, "Hey,
that dog just pissed on your leg. If it was my dog, I'd kick his
ass!"     
   Blind guy says, "I'm working on it. But first I gotta find his
head!"
%
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all
over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell
you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for
their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went
to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and
returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said
to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths
for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
%
* warning: brutal

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys?  We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper.  Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George.  Say George, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes.  That's a group of blind fire fighters.  They lost
their sight while saving our club house last year.  So we let them
play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That's so sad.  I think I will say a special prayer for them
tonight.

Doctor: Good idea.  And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy
and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer:  Why can't these guys play at night?
%
Be sociable.
Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
%
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
Buy the negatives at any price.
%
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.  After a few minutes the
disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what
causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized.

"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.  How long have
you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope
does."
%
           The Evolution of a Programmer 
           ----------------------------- 
 
 
 High School/Jr.High 
 =================== 
 
      10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD" 
      20 END 
 
 First year in College 
 ===================== 
      program Hello(input, output) 
      begin 
       writeln('Hello World') 
      end. 
 
 Senior year in College 
 ====================== 
      (defun hello 
      (print 
      (cons 'Hello (list 'World)))) 
 
 New professional 
 ================ 
      #include <stdio.h> 
      void main(void) 
      { 
        char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"}; 
        int i; 

        for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i) 
          printf("%s", message[i]); 
        printf("\n"); 
      } 
 
 Seasoned professional 
 ===================== 
      #include <iostream.h> 
      #include <string.h> 

      class string 
      { 
      private: 
        int size; 
        char *ptr; 

      public: 
        string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {} 

        string(const string &s) : size(s.size) 
        { 
          ptr = new char[size + 1]; 
          strcpy(ptr, s.ptr); 
        } 

        ~string() 
        { 
          delete [] ptr; 
        } 

        friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &); 
        string &operator=(const char *); 
      }; 

      ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s) 
      { 
        return(stream << s.ptr); 
      } 

      string &string::operator=(const char *chrs) 
      { 
        if (this != &chrs) 
        { 
          delete [] ptr; 
          size = strlen(chrs); 
          ptr = new char[size + 1]; 
          strcpy(ptr, chrs); 
        } 
        return(*this); 
      } 

      int main() 
      { 
        string str; 

        str = "Hello World"; 
        cout << str << endl; 

        return(0); 
      } 
 
 
 Apprentice Hacker 
 =================== 
      #!/usr/local/bin/perl 
      $msg="Hello, world.\n"; 
      if ($#ARGV >= 0) { 
        while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) { 
          $outfilename = $arg; 
          open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || die "Can't write $arg:$!\n"; 
      
          print (FILE $msg); 
          close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg: $!\n"; 
        } 
      } else { 
        print ($msg); 
      } 
      1; 
 
 Experienced Hacker 
 =================== 
      #include <stdio.h> 
      #define S "Hello, World\n" 
      main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);} 
 
 Seasoned Hacker 
 =================== 
      $ cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c 
      $ a.out 
 
 Guru Hacker 
 =================== 
      $ cat 
      Hello, world. 
      ^D 
 
 New Manager 
 =================== 
      10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD" 
      20 END 
 
 Middle Manager 
 =================== 
      mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12 
      Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello, 
      world."? 
      I need it by tomorrow. 
      ^D 
 
 Senior MAnager 
 =================== 
      $ zmail brian 
      I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon. 
 
 Chief Executive 
 =================== 
      $ letter 
      letter: Command not found. 
      $ mail 
      To: ^X ^F ^C 
      $ help mail 
      help: Command not found. 
      $ damn! 
      !: Event unrecognized 
      $ logout 
%
A burglar breaks into a house and as he is prowling around in
the dark a voice says "Jesus is watching you!".  Thinking the game
is up he turns the light on but there is no one there except for a
Parrot in a cage which after a pause says "Jesus is watching you!".~

The relieved felon walks over to the Parrots cage and says "you're a
lovely bird, whats your name?", "Griswold" replied the parrot,
"That's a silly name for a parrot" the burglar exclaimed "Yes" said
the parrot "and Jesus is a silly name for a Dobermann too!"
%
* warning: sadistic

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
%
Two rabbits escape from a lab.  They run as far away as they can and
by some miracle find themselves in field full of carrots -- rabbit
heaven they think and tuck in.  They eat themselves silly and then
rather handly find a comfortable burrow close by and settle down for a
snooze.

Many hours later they wake up and rubbing their bleary eyes wander
outside to see a load of rabbits gambling about in the field.  More
Rabbit heaven they think as they begin to indulge in that favorite
rabbit pass-time (of sex).  After a number of long heavy sessions they
again settle down in the burrow.  Where they get chatting.

Finally one rabbit remarks, "You know what I really want to go back to
the lab."

"What!  We have all we want here -- why would you want to go back
there?"

"Well it's true that we've had all the sex and food that we could wish
for but you know what I'm just dying for a smoke."
%
* warning: touches religious issues

A catholic priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment
on a train.  After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying
"I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat
pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?  

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth.  Yes, I have, on the odd
occasion."  Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation.  He asked,
"Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate.  But...."

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask.  I have
succumbed once or twice."  There was silence for a while.  Then the
Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better
than pork, isn't it?"
%
A couple is driving down the highway when a cop pulls them over.  The
cop walks up and says, "You were doing eighty-five in a fifty-five."

The guy says, "You know, officer, I was doing sixty the whole time,
and then the last few minutes, I guess I was just keeping up with
traffic and I wasn't watching..."

His wife says, "That's not true.  You were doing eighty-five or ninety
the whole time."

He turns to her and says, "Will you shut the hell up?"

The cop says, "And I notice you haven't got your seatbelt buckled."

He says, "Well, officer, I did have it buckled, but then I had to undo
it to get my wallet out to show you my license."

His wife says, "That's not true.  You haven't had it on the whole
time."

He turns to her and says, "What the hell is wrong with you?  Shut your
trap."

The cop walks around to the wife's side and motions for her to roll
down the window.  He says, "Does he always talk to you like that?"

She says, "Only when he's drunk."
%
* warning: Clinton involved

The President gets into his helicopter with a pig under each arm.

"Nice pigs, sir!" says the marine on duty.

"These aren't just pigs," says the President. "These are prize-winning
Arkansas Razorbacks! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."

"Good work, sir!" says the marine. "Excellent trade!"
%
Hiroshima 45 - Tschernobyl 86 - Windows 95
%
A cannibal and his son are hiding behind some bushes, waiting for
some food to stroll by. 
   After a few minutes, a skinny guy comes along. The son says,"How 
about him, dad?"  
   "Naw," says the father, "too skinny." 
   A while later a fat guy wanders by. "What about that guy, dad?" asks
the son.  
   "Naw, too much cholesterol."
   A little later, a foxy chick wriggles by. The son asks, "How about
her, Dad?"  
   "Absolutely. Let's take her  home and eat your mother!" 
%
Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a cave. One of the bats
feels rather hungry. "Let's go and find some blood", he suggests.
     
"I don't think you can get any blood this time of the day", says the
other bat.
     
"Well, I want some blood and I want it now!", says the first bat and
prepares to take off. "Are you coming or what?"
     
"Don't be stupid, you'll just waste your time", says the second bat.
     
So the first bat flies anyway. After a few minutes he is back with blood
smeared all over his face.
     
"Where did you manage to find blood this time of the day?", asks the
second bat.
     
"Well, do you see that tree out there?", says the first bat and points
at a tree outside the cave, "Do you see that tree?"
     
"Yes", says the second bat, "of course I see it".
     
"Well, I didn't", replies the first.
%
An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen.  He was amazed to find that
over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
let it spill out).  The American said with a nervous laugh,
        "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
do you, Professor Bohr?  After all, as a scientist --"
Bohr chuckled.
        "I believe no such thing, my good friend.  Not at all.  I am
scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense.  However, I am told
that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
%
This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache all over.  Everywhere
I touch it hurts."

The doctor says, "OK.  Touch your elbow."

The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.  The doctor,
surprised, says "Touch your head."

The guy touches his head and jumps in agony.  The doctor asks him to
touch his knee and the same thing happens.  Everywhere the guy touches
he hurts like hell.  The doctor is stumped and orders a complete
examination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two
days.

Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor says "We've found your
problem."

"Oh yeah? What is it?"

"You've broken your finger!"
%
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to
a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon."

He knocked.

The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.

"Could ye spare some victuals?"

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she shouted.

"Could I at least use your privvy?"

"No!" she shouted again.

The vagabond said, "Might I please ...?"

"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
%
Two old guys fishing in a boat on Lake Pontchartrain.  A bottle
comes floating by in the current.  One old codger scoops it up, sees
a cork in the top, and yanks it out.  Genie pops out in a puff of
smoke and says, "You get one wish between the two of yas--make it a
good one."  The old man in the front of the boat yells back to his
fishing buddy. "Lemme handle this--I know just what to ask for!"

He looks at the genie and says, "We want the whole lake to be turned
into ice cold beer!"  The genie nods and says, "You got it, boys!"
And instantaneously, the whole lake is beer!

The old man in the back of the boat throws a life preserver, smacks
his buddy up-side the head, and yells out, "You dumb dipshit!  Why in
the hell did you do that?"

""Whadaya talking about?" the other fisherman answers.  "I thought
you'd like a lake-full of beer.  What's the problem?"

"The problem is now we gotta pee in the boat!!!!"
%
This past fall semester, at Yale University, there were two sophomores
who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of
the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the
final, they had a solid A.  These two friends were so confident going
into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the
Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to Harvard and party
with some friends up there.  So they did this and had a great time.

     However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all
day Sunday and didn't make it back to New Haven until early Monday
morning.  Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find
the professor after the final and explain to him why they missed the
final.  They told him that they went up to Cambridge for the weekend,
and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a
flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get
help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.  The
prof thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the
final on the following day.  The two guys were elated and relieved.
So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that
the prof had told them.  He placed them in separate rooms and handed
each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

     They looked at the first problem, which was something simple
about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they
thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then
turned the page.

     They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

     It said: '(95 points) Which tire?
%
                        Pittsburgh Driver's Test

8:      Pedestrians are

        (a) irrelevant.
        (b) communists.
        (c) a nuisance.
        (d) difficult to clean off the front grille.

The correct answer is (a).  Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
%
 A computer engineer was found dead (starved) in his shower. The only
clue was the shampoo container that reads:

        Instructions:
                -Apply shampoo
                -Rinse
                -Repeat
%
   Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body. 
   One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer.  Just look at all the joints.''
   Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer.  The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections.''
   The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer.  Who else would run
a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''
%
Lawyer says to client: "I've got good news and bad news.  
Client says, "Gimme the good news first."  
"Okay, your wife found a picture worth $100,000." 
Clients says, "That's great, what's the bad news?" 
Lawyer says, "It's of you and your girlfriend."
%
Four surgeons were taking a coffe break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to opperate on. You
open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You
open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and
everything inside is color-coded.

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless
spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangable."
%
You know you are addicted to the Internet when...

 You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications
Decency Act.

 You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

 Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

 Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

 You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

 You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and
 no phone lines.

 You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a
 cellular modem and a laptop.

 You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your  lap...
 and your child in the overhead compartment.

 All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster
 connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

 And even your night dreams are in HTML.

 You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using
 a word processor.com

 You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like
 you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

 You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

 You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

 Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a
 new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never
 had heart problems before.

 You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved
 and you don't have a clue when it happened.

 You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear
 if new e-mail arrives.

 Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of
 what she looks like.

 All of your friends have an @ in their names.

 When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all
 of them are already highlighted in purple.

 Your dog has its own home page.

 You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway
 through Lycos. or  C ontinue?

 You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

 You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no
 idea where your children are.

 You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it
 again.

 You refer to your age as 3.x.

 You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and
 even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

 Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

 Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on
 your favorite IRC channel.

 You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

 You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends,
 because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

 You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

 You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.

 Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

 You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check
 your e-mail on the way back to bed.

 You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
 landscape.

 You tell the cab driver you live at
 http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

 You actually try that 123.elm.street address.

 You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's
 got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

 Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your
 IRC channel.

 Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

 You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines
 useless.

 You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape
 2.01or higher."

 You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
 ISP...because you never log off.

 The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

 You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in
 front of your computer with a toilet.

 You forget what year it is.
 You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

 You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.

 Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you
 buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of
 you can chat.

 As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road,
 your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
%
Politically correct humor:

There's a homosexual, a bisexual and a lesbian sitting in a bar having a 
quiet drink....nothing wrong with that.
%
A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked
behind his ear.  He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the day's
activities, where a coworker asks why he has a rectal thermometer behind
his ear.  In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and
exclaims, "Damn!  Some patient has got my pen!"
%
Real Headlines:
  Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
  Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
  Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
  Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
  Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
  Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
  Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
  Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
  Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
  Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
  New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
  Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
  Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
  Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
  Include your Children when Baking Cookies
%
At a resort, a guy walks up to an older fellow who is sitting in the 
sun, sipping iced tea. 
   Young guy says, "Hey, how about a round of golf." 
   "Nah," the older fellow replies, "tried it once, didn't like it." 
   "Well, how about a swim? It'll be more refreshing that your iced tea 
there." 
   "Nah," the older fellow responds, "tried it once, didn't like it."
   "Young guy says, "Well, how about a game of tennis?"
   "Naw, tried it once and didn't like it. But my son will be here soon. 
He's usually up for a game or two." 
   Young guy replies, "Your only child I presume?" 
%
Guide to windows 95

Multitasking

    You can crash several programs all at once. No waiting !

Built-in Networking

    You can crash several PC's all at once.
    No need to buy Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash.

Microsoft Network

    Connect with other Windows 95 users and talk about your
    crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will
    be organized.

PnP

    Plug and Pray (that it works)

Multimedia

    Experience the immense sight and sound of crashing.

Compatible with existing software

    It will also crash your existing software.

Increased Productivity

    You will need to *increase* your budget to buy more *products*
    like RAM and HardDrives. Better yet, get a new computer !
    That's product-ivity.

User-Friendly

    Picture of clouds

State of the Art

    Pay for Bill's next bid for a work of art.

MacIntosh-like

    It took Microsoft eleven years and it's not even original.

Online Registration

    Dial into Microsoft and let them snoop around your harddrive.
    This will guarantee you a place in Microsoft's files for the
    rest of your life.

MS Plus

    More money for Bill's plus side.

Optimize

    It will increase the utilization of your hard drive and cpu
    so much so that you'll end up upgrading your system.
    See "Increased Productivity".
%
A salesman Joe came earlier than expected home and told his wife that
he wants to take a nice bath and a nice cool beer, so if anyone calls
she shoud say he is not home.

After a while the phone rang and Joe heard his wife say:
"Unfortunately he is home!"

Joe:"I forbade you to tell I am home!"

Wife:"Do not worry -- the call was for me!"
%
A guy walks into a bar and orders a double shot of bourbon.  He downs
it then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a picture.  He stares at
the picture for a moment then puts it away and orders another double.
After downing that drink, he proceeds to pull out the picture and
examine it before putting it away and ordering another double.  This
goes on for about

4 rounds of drinks before the bartender asks him whats going on.
"Well," the guy says, "This is a picture of my wife, and when she
starts to look good, I'm going home."
%
* Warning: offensive (sex)

-Have you ever had sex in three?
-No.  Why?
-If you run quickly home, you still have a chance to.
%
Q: What is an experienced Emacs user?
A: A person who wishes that the terminal had pedals.
%
These two guys are in the wild west of the US about 150 years ago.
They walk into a bar and they see a sign which says "WE PAY $100 FOR
INDIAN SCALPS".  So Charles turns to Edgar and says "hey look that's
easy money old chap, let us find us some natives."  So the two of them
go out, find two indians, scalp them and duly get their their $100.

That night they sleep in a tent on the edge of town.  The next morning
Charles wakes up and sticks his head out of the tent and he sees
20,000 indians standing in a circle around them.  He quickly gets back
into the tent and shouts excitedly: "Edgar, we're rich we're rich!"
%
Collected from medical interview records.

-Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid
-The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
-She stated trhat she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989
when she got a divorce.
-Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
-The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran
out of gas and crashed.
-I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
-Bleeding started in trhe rectal area and continued all the way to Los
Angeles.
-Both breast are equal and reactive to light and accomodation.
-Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like
to work her up.
-Exam of genetalia reveals that he is circus sized.
-She is numb from her toes down.
-Exam off genetalia was completely negitive except for the right foot.
-While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
-The skin was moist and dry.
-The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
-Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
-Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
-Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in
no distress.
-Patient was alert and unresponsive. 
%
Intel recently revealed a new supercomputer, which can use up to 9,000 Pentium
Pro CPU's working in parallel.  It's been benchmarked at 1.4 teraflops, and
it is the fastest computer in the world today.

Rumor has it that it boots Windows '95 in less than a minute.
%
* I will discontinue sending jokes during the holiday.  I wish everybody
* happy holidays!  Merry Christmas!

So this snail was crawling across the driveway, when it was run over
by a turtle.  There was a big ruckus over the accident, with the police
eventually being involved.  

The investigating officer said to the snail, "OK....can you tell us what
happened?"

The snail replied, "Well, officer .....I dunno....it all happened so
fast....."
%
	Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
rational functions needed to represent the integrand.  Although the
algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate
structure of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization,
we cannot claim that the algorithm is a natural one.  In fact, the
creator of differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early
1950's, largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his
work.  Probably he would have received more attention had he obtained
the algorithm as well.
		-- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J.F. Traub
%
* A bit offensive, maybe

 A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.  He orders a drink and
while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs
some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table,
grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey
just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool
table, whole!", says the bartender.  "Yeah, that doesn't surprise
me," replied the patron.  He eats everything in sight, the little
bastard.  I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."  He finishes his
drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with
him.  He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the
bar again.  While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds
a maraschino cherry on the bar.  He grab