QUOTES

Here is my ever increasing compilation of unforgetable quotes and deep thoughts.

• I've been trying to figure something in my head, and maybe you can help meout, yeah? When a person is insane, as you clearly are, do you know that you're insane?Maybe you're just sitting around, reading "Guns and Ammo", masturbating in your ownfeces, do you just stop and go, "Wow! It is amazing how fucking crazy I really am!"?Yeah. Do you guys do that?

  --David Mills (Brad Pitt from Seven)

• Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

• I remember that fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really on the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought, something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

• Whenever someone asks me what it means to love, I spin around and pin the guy's arm around his back. NOW who's the one asking the questions?

• I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh loadof tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel offortune and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out,"Tadpole!Tadpoles is a winner!" Weall thought he was crazy. But then we all had some growing up to do.

• Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh.But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite sofunny.

• If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like adummy and people will try to catch you because hey, free dummy.

• In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automaticallydisqualify you.

• If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man, they're gone.

• I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs.Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.

• To me, boxing is like ballet except that there's no music or choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

• To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal.Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolledinto one big "thing." This is truth, to me.

• I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size,because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

• If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry asoldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look.He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing and everybody else started laughing,I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Theneverybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering ironof justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

• It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

• To me, clowns aren't funny, in fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started,and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

• When I think back to all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of asingle one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.

• Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplishedwas a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then hepunched me again.

• If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming andtripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

• If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

• To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. Thatway, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

• If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most commonquestion people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."

• Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

• If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And ifhe asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

• If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons. (maybe by shoving them down his throat).

• I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

• If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

• I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

• Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

• Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans toofar, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

• If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

• I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Oncehe whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the firstone, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

• Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

• If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume wouldbe to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.

• Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but Itold that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

• I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

• I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

• I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

• Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.

• At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist,"because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw &*$# you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

• A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

• Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

• I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got acomplimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

• I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

• Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown andattached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

• Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go overto the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone,but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it'shead with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

• Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and theguy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

• He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

• We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't belaughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

• I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like,"Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 youborrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

• I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'dlike to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

• If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you mightthink it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with ourstore. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing thetrampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

• I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. Theylook and look, but you know what?They never find him. And you know why they never findhim? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide.Then, at the very end,there's a page that you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.

• I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about amillion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.

• The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it.Then he'll standup and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."

• It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundreddrumsticks, the the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins.They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up.

• I don't pretend to have all the answers, I don't even pretend to know all the questions.. Hey, where am I?

• If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadorscame up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be agood idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

• When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if theyever press charges.

• As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, Ithought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was,and how I named him Flint.

• It you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's realembarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

• Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think,"Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "What's for supper?"

• Most employers are looking for experience, training, leadership abilities- but I have something even better: a little monkey named Dr. Strangeballies.

• I believe that, someday, scientists will develop a rocket that cantransport a person to the farthest reaches of our galaxy, and when thisamazing feat of human ingenuity is accomplished, some courageous personwill step aboard that glorious spacecraft and be shot into the deepest voidof space, possibly never to be seen again, and I hope that person isRichard Simmons.

• When I travel through a big city and I see the dark, seedy underbelly ofsociety, I like to rub it because that makes society go to sleep. Justprecious.

• The Middle Ages were a great time to be alive, because if you weren'twiped out by the Plague or impaled by some marauding barbarian, then yippee.

• When people tell me about their problems, I try to help them not focus so much on all the negative stuff, and focus more on what's going on with me.

• It's a myth that bats do not have eyes. Bats do have eyes. It's just that they don't use them for navigational purposes. Instead, they send andreceive high frequency waves to detect obstacles and to guide them along.That's why I like to shoot them.

• The next time you are talking to someone, look real close and you can see a small image of yourself in his pupil, only the small version of you has abig, big, knife.

• If someone ever asks you for a ride to the airport, explain how Greenland looks bigger than Australia on a two-dimensional map even though Australia is really four times the size of Greenland, and while they're looking for a map you can take off.

• I guess everyone left the party because they were feeling really sick,because hey, who would want to miss "Blindfolded Baby Alligator Hunt?"

• I try to be calm with people who frighten very easily, because patienceis a virtue. For example, once I had to wait patiently under this girl'sbed for eight hours before she finally came home.

• I find that little kids are just ungrateful. You try to do something fun for them and they repay you by vomiting on your shoes or something. Hey,weren't you just laughing hysterically for ten minutes while I was spinningyou around in that chair?

• As I sat in the supermarket office and waited for the cops to arrive, athought came to me. Maybe when they say "No purchase necessary," it's likesome kind of code or something, and you're not supposed to dump cereal allover the aisle to get the prize. Maybe if they hadn't taken away my little"Crunch-Berry Decoder," I could have figured it out.

• Some of my colleagues think that the chemicals we are experimenting withcould potentially cause brain damage, however I think that fish crunchybits of salami my new red hippie noodle. Naked pool frogs?

• The next time someone gets you really furious, just do what I do. Justlook them straight in the eye for a few seconds, then yell, "Get to bed!"

• I get very nervous when I have to speak in front of a large group,especially when I bust into a crowded theatre drunk and naked.

• I was trying to plant some seeds when Brian came in the room. I askedhim if he knew where I could get some soil. He said yeah, outside. I hearthey have a lot of dirt out there. Then he laughed. This shows how easyit is to figure something out if you just think about it for a minute. Forexample, what would be an easy way to kill that smart-ass Brian?

• It was really heartbreaking to see sad little Petey sitting in the sandcrying his eyes out. I wanted to console him, and yet it was really hismistake to be sitting in my favorite swing.

• People think that I hear little voices inside my head telling me what todo. That's ridiculous. It's more like a movie, with these little hamsterguys that hold up charts and maps and other visual aids. You know,whatever they have to use.

• I wish I were the guy that wrote that "Roll Out the Barrel" song, because that is like the biggest polka song of all time. Then I could just sitback and watch it roll in. The money, I mean. Not the barrel.

• A good way to deal with a crisis is to relax, take a deep breath, and act like some kind of deranged chicken.

• If you can't get to sleep, just dig yourself under your blanket andpretend you are buried under a huge mound of food and you have to eat yourway to the surface. Whoa, look out for that patch of brussel sprouts.That was close.

• Once when I was a kid I threw a rock all the way across my yard andpegged a rat right in the head. Then I was really sad, because, hey, whatif that was someone's pet? What if some poor boy came looking for hislittle pet rat? Well, if he did, I would hit that jerk right in the headwith a rock, too.

• It may surprise you to know that Olympic athletes of Ancient Greececompeted while totally nude; except, of course, the bobsledders, who wereallowed to wear hats.

• If I may use an analogy; life is like a big thing that spins around reallyfast or something. I don't know. I'm really bad at analogies.

• If you love something, set it free. Just make sure you are not near afreeway or anything.

• Sometimes, I play a little trick on people that makes them really mad. I call it "Whack with a garden shovel." Well, it's not really a trick. It'sjust a whack with a shovel.

• It's true that, as individuals, we can't change the world. But if we band together, and lock arms in a line, we can play "Red Rover, Red Rover."

• This was only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, I would have run down the street to loot the stereo store.

• I have a bad memory, so I make up little rhymes to help me remember things.Like this:
  "You're on parole
  for those things you stole
  so stop and think
  before you go hold up that truck-stop on the interstate."

• I find that one of the most handy, helpful, useful, beneficial,advantageous, valuable items I have in my home is a thesaurus.

• The haunting fragrance of her perfume lingered with me long after theblinding sting of her pepper spray had dissipated.

• If you are searching desperately for the meaning of life, try the floorof my car, because there's a lot of crap down there.

• Sometimes it's hard for me to express to my girlfriend how much I love her, especially with that restraining order.

• So many of the world's great inventions were conceived while the inventor was sitting on the john; including, I think, the plunger.

• If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning; but a good miter saw isstrictly an after-lunch tool.

• "Listen here, woman!" I say to my wife,"SOMEONE has got to be responsiblefor the naps around here, and since I'm already on the couch watching TV..."

• We already have the "Weather Channel," so the next logical step is "TheTime Network." Announcer: "Well, it's ten o'clock Eastern Standard Right now, but later on we expect to reach twelve noon. Back to you, Phyllis."

• If "knowledge is power," why does stupidity reign?

• A fun word I like to say is "mucus." Go ahead, try it. Mucus, mucus,mucus. See, I told you.

• If we already eat such things as "corn on the cob," could "rat on a stick"be that far behind?

• Look, all I have to say is this: Give the damn rabbit some Trix already.Enough is enough. Geez.

• I believe that each little child is like a fragile little ornament hanging on the Christmas tree of life. Unless you don't celebrate Christmas, then I don't know what.

• People in today's world are so busy all the time. Everyone needs to stop rushing around. Just stop, give me some money, then keep goin' man, keep goin'.

• I think there comes a time in every man's life. I think so. That's what I've been told, anyway.

• Scooby-Doo and Astro from the Jetsons had the same dialect coach.

• I can remember when my friends and I would watch "The Superfriends" cartoon, and then everyone would pretend to be a Superfriend. I always got to be "The Hall of Justice Jantior." It was great.

• If you give man a fish, he eats for a day. But give him a magical fish that grants wishes, that would be really cool.

• When I'm feeling a little blue, that's when I usually find a penny on the ground. And do you know what it says on a penny? "Liberty." That reminds me of the Statue of Liberty, which is in New York City, and I think, man, am I glad I don't live in New York City. Then I feel better.

• Nothing says friendship like a bag of shaved weasels. Really.

• The sound of gunshots rang out in the night air. Except they weren't gunshots, it was just some old lady yelling. Hey, shut up lady. Shut up.

• I think you should use toothpaste to mop the kitchen. That way, you can eat off the floor and  fight cavities at the same time.

• I like to call my pillow "Muchacho," because he's my friend. He's my Mexican pillow friend, Mucahcho. Hola, Muchacho.

• If I ever were to run for president, my platform would be "snacks," because, hey, who doesn't love snacks?

• As I stood there alone gazing up into the night sky, the stars seemed to spell out a message for me. "Put your pants back on." And you know, they were right.

• Do you remember the "Me Decade?" I do. I watched the news all the time and I wasn't on there once. I think they should have called it "Some Other People Decade, and You're Not Really Involved."

• I think we are too negative with our criminals. People are always saying, "Crime doesn't pay." I think we should be more positive. Tell them, "Hey, crime DOES pay. It pays alot. So don't worry."
• I think fences just separate us as humans. When you put up a fence, you are saying, "Hey, I don't need anyone else. I'm independent." So when someone drives through your fence, you shouldn't lose your head. Also, it was my brother in-law's car anyway.

• Remember to remove your shoes before setting yourself on fire, because nothing smells worse than burning rubber.

• I'm glad we have lots of computers now and are in the Information Age, because I was getting really tired of that other age we were in, and I owed a lot of people money.

• I remember when my parents bought me a dog and I named it "Freedom." Thenext day it ran away and never came back. Maybe I should have named it"Repression." Then when it ran away it would have been a little morepuzzling.

• I used to think you could jump off the roof with a bunch of garbage bags and they would open up like a parachute, but I never really tried it. I think you should. Doesn't it sound like fun?

• I think a great name to have would be Hans. Then if someone asked you your name, you could just hold up your hands. Then they would say, "Ten?" Then you would shake your head no. People are stupid sometimes.

• A fun thing to do is to go to a really nice restaurant and order a pair of pants. Then, when they don't have it, start yelling, "Hey, what kind of restaurant is this! No pants on the menu!"  You might think the rest of the customers might rally behind you, they really won't.

• If God really does have a big master plan for the world, I hope I'm not in charge of towels.

• Some people think dogs are stupid. They're right. My dog doesn't even know anything about any Broadway shows. I have to laugh.

• Someday if I have the chance, I would like to sue McDonalds because of their drive through. It is inaccessible to the Auto Impaired. What if you have to walk or skate or something? I mean, why not just call it the "Go-Through-Anyway-You-Want." Actually, I don't have a lot of time so you can take that idea if you want.

• What I'd like to know is who's going to pay for all that Jell-O? The government? Think again, buster, It's me and you. Well, mostly you.

• I wish my real name were John Doe, then I could go into trauma centers all the time, go up to unidentified bodies, and say, "That's not John Doe, I'm John Doe!" Then I would show them my license. Trust me, it doesn't work without a license. Also, they won't treat you for injuries inflicted by their own security guards.

• I think people will agree with me when I say that there is not enough research being done on chafing.

• A good lucky number is 372.09. Don't use it though because it's mine.

• Some people just want to put a Band-Aid on the situation. I say, hell, let it bleed, baby, let it bleed.

• The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
  The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
  The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
  The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

• Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have hadyears and years of training can, using only their hands and feet,make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

  -- Dave Barry

• I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarianbecause I hate plants.

  -- A. Whitney Brown

• Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great yourtriumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately one billionChinese couldn't care less.

• I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sickand tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed upin this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not!But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!

  -- Monty Python

• Based on what you know about him in history books, what do youthink Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1.Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President.3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

  -- David Letterman

• It is dangerous to be sincere, unless you are also stupid.

  -- George Bernard Shaw

• Relationships are like a robotic hand. When you first get one, it'sreally cool and you quickly begin to depend on it. Then some bastardcomes along and takes your robotic hand away, and life really sucks. Whenyou think about it though, you're really no worse off than you were beforeyou got your robotic hand.

  -- Dan O'Neill, 2 a.m.

• If people from Poland are called Poles, how come they don't call people from Holland Holes?

• Icq wants to know how many Gay users there are so if your NOT gay then forward this message to everyone in your list including me. If you fail to do so your name will be noted as a gay user.

• I like Jewish guys. Italian guys are very cute but their attitudeis "Yo, go get the raviolli." Get your own fucking raviolli alright!

  -- Joy Behar

• Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, butthey don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiotsin the world.

  Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

If you know where any of the unreferenced quotes came from please email me.I just picked them up from all over the place...