Here are some smart, funny websites:
  This is Truman Capote's 87 year old aunt Marie Rudisill, aka The Fruitcake Lady, who made her first "Tonight Show" appearance in December 2000 and with it she began gathering a legion of fans. Enjoy the advice she gives in a little segment they like to call "Ask The Fruitcake Lady."
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| The ONION - America's finest and funniest newsource: www.theonion.com |
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
2. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.
3. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
4. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
12. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
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Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:
#1 -- A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed
per passenger."
#2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,
"Dam!"
#3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
#4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other
says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
#5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
#6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts
boasting in an open foyer."
#7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
#8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist
hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
#9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him ..... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....A
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
#10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
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