"Gosh. How clever. Want to post that to the opinion bboard?"
"Nice girls don't do that."

The World Flounder Tramping championships have been won by hairdresser Moira Slater, 23, of Charters court, Dalbeattie. More than 200 entered the competition at the weekend at Glenisle, Palnackie. Competitors have to use their feet to find the flat fish which lie in the muddy waters when the tide goes out. Miss Slater won the title with a 2lb 1oz flounder.

"Life's a virgin. If it were a bitch, it'd be easy."

"Hew Kennedy and Richard Barr, of Shropshire, have recreated a 60ft 13th century trebuchet - a siege engine used for throwing assorted garbage at nearby castles. Not having any castles to aim at, they use it to throw suitable missiles about Kennedy's farm. They have had good results throwing dead pigs, but prefer to throw old pianos. Isn't it wonderful to know that, in a rapidly disintegrating world, some people still preserve the traditional British pastime of going totally round the bend?"
  -- alan@essex.ac.uk (Alan M Stanier)

"I'm sorry, but your reality doesn't seem to have been installed."

Overheard at the PS party:
"In computer science, we have moved from artificial insects to artificial fowl."
"Of course! Artificial chickens! I'll have them in Oz in the morning."

Quote du jour:
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.

"Ha. I've got a program to write, an advisor to keep happy, 16 papers to read, and a new language to learn. My motivation is fear."

Three Great Lies Of Our Time:
1. "The check is in the mail"
2. "This won't hurt a bit"
3. "A qual task is designed to take you 8 hours to complete"

"Mr Martin White, chairman of the Ledbury Carnival Committee, has decided to drop a re-enactment by the Sealed Knot Society of a traditional English witch-burning from this year's weeked of country festivities. ``The Sealed Knot lads had a dummy and stake all ready'', he said, ``but we decided to call it off after complaints from the local coven''."
  -- Private Eye

"If [faculty member x] were any less predictable, he'd be random noise"
  -- anonymous

"..because of the CM5 cooling problems all codes are required to display:
``Caution: executing this program will increase entropy and may lead to the heat death of the universe.''"
  -- Paul Fink, comp.parallel

Concatenation : the process of glueing one cat's nose to another cat's tail.
  -- Programming Perl (The Camel Book), Larry Wall and Randal Schwartz

"I could fuck you, but then I'd have to kill you"

In his annual report, Lieutenant-General Viroj Prao-in, Metropolitan Commissioner of Bangkok's police, said: "Car theft in Bangkok has dropped by 60 per cent due to a well-organised shoot-to-kill policy by the Traffic Police. Captain Ta Pen Ngyen assures me that his men are on top of the situation. "

"I mean, if you live in a police state, you might as well live where they make good coffee and still value art and beauty"
  -- rsf@well.sf.ca.us

"Specialized custom VLSI cannot compete against the mass production might of the killer micros"
  -- alan@msc.edu, comp.parallel

"...bleakness ...desolation ...plastic forks...."
  -- M-x yow

"This is STUFF, boyo. You've got to DO IT"
  -- John "Spong" Levine

"Alan Turing's dumbest idea short of his suicide"
  -- George Gilder on the Turing Test

"After all, it's not easy, banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall"
  -- Pink Floyd

"When sources are outlawed, only outlaws will have sources"
  -- Brian Reid

"The Pig Team: The Few, The Proud, The Not-Entirely Human"
  -- RoboPIG

"Perl is my top ten favorite utilities"
  -- Kent Dalton

"We said zero, and I think any statistician will tell you that, when you're dealing with very big numbers, zero must mean plus or minus a few".
  -- William Waldegrave

"Some vegetables I'm fond of. Peas I'm relatively neutral about."
  -- John Major

"Sometimes ignorance is bliss."
"It's not as good as losing consciousness."

Last year, I could get on a game on bronco or rwd4 and find decent people who were in it just for fun. Most were quickly cured of this nonproductive habit, and are now thoroughly engrossed in pathological xenophobia like us."
  -- Video Sex Pope on netrek

"If I see Danny Hillis quoted as an expert on massively parallel processing one more time, I'm going to puke."
  -- Oracle Corp. CEO Lawrence Ellison

"Sleep? Sleep is for hedgehogs."

Message-passing (n.): the model of parallel computing which most resembles real life - crap arrives unpredictably, from all directions, all at once.

"All I gots to do is press a button and femmes femmes femmes!"
  -- George Gusciora on the advantages of Mosaic and the WWW

gusciora(MAUI.WEATHER):: [15:07:59]
The sun is everywhere, babes are everywhere, the sand on the beach is soft, at sunset we all watch the whales jump out of the ocean, if you swim under water you can hear the whales talking to each other, I am looking at a 10,000 foot volcano right now, my skin is tan, and there was a lizard on my porch this morning.
sippy(MAUI.WEATHER):: [15:10:53]
The snow is everywhere, the slush in the street in soft, at sunset the clouds block the magnificant colors while we watch the panhandlers wander by. I am looking at a concrete wall right now, my skin is pasty, and there was a roach on my bed this morning.

"I can call spirits from the misty deeps"
"Yea, and so can any man. But when you call, do they come to you?"

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
-----------------
1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
2. If your stomach disputes you, lie down and pacify it with cool thoughts.
3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
4. Go very light on the vices, such as carrying on in society. The social ramble ain't restful.
5. Avoid running at all times.
6. Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you.
  -- Leroy Satchel Paige

"Sure, alcohol kills brain cells. But only the weak ones."

"When I think back
On all the crap I learned in high school
It's a wonder
I can think at all"
  -- Simon & Garfunkel

"Make 'i' a register variable please, HAL."
"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
  -- neilg@hpqtdya.sqf.hp.com (Neil Gall)

"If we torch a pork-barrel supercomputer center, do we get crispy bacon bits?"

"Shutup brain. I've got friends now. I don't need you any more."
  -- Lisa Simpson

"i just figured out who jch's zephyr personality reminds me of: dogbert!"
  -- snl

Why grad student offices are like early manned space capsules:
"They're both horribly cramped, have nonfunctional air conditioning, give you an illusion of control over your destiny but only allow you to change your attitude, have weird electronic systems that crash regularly, and their inhabitants always have the ever-present risk of imminent flaming death."

"Net games can be a vast time sink. In a version of Netrek called Paradise, for instance, a typical player's age---the term for the amount of time actually clocked by a Netrekkie during competition---is two to three weeks. (Procrastinating doctoral candidates will, of course, have far higher stats.)
  -- Anne Eisenberg, Scientific American, July 1995, page 95.

"The high-performance computing market may at last overtake the international demand for kitty litter."
  -- HPCwire

"It's hard to write correct programs. Writing asymptotically efficient programs is even harder. Now, multiply by the effort required to account for locality. That's life with caches _and_ vectors."
  -- Preston Briggs (preston@tera.com), news:3u6ac0$2jc@sparrow.tera.com, July 1995

The entire school is locked into the twilight zone. They should make a sitcom out of the day-to-day life on that campus.
  -- Brock Meeks, editor of CyberWire Dispatch

Moronic students. Stupid police. Fraudulent studies. Whacko students. Clueless administration. Sounds like your average institution of higher learning.
  -- Gerard Van Der Leun, HotWired writer

"Wait, wait, that would be foolish. If I just kneecap the fuckers, they could still release more code to the world. Shoot through their knuckles. That's the ticket."
  -- Me, on the authors of Framemaker

"It was a deep and satisfying bug"
  -- Rusty Lusk

And I ain't in it for the power
And I ain't in it for my health
I ain't in it for the glory of anything at all
And I sure as hell ain't in it for the wealth
  -- "Wasted Youth", Meatloaf