TTTTTTTT HHH HHH EEEEEEEE SSSSSSSS CCCCCCCC SSSSSSSS TTTTTTTT HHH HHH EEEEEEEE SSSSSSSS CCCCCCCC SSSSSSSS TT HHH HHH EE SS CC SS TT HHHHHHHHH EEEEE SSSSSSSS CC SSSSSSSS TT HHHHHHHHH EEEEE SSSSSSSS CC SSSSSSSS TT HHH HHH EE SS CC SS TT HHH HHH EEEEEEEE SSSSSSSS CCCCCCCC SSSSSSSS TT HHH HHH EEEEEEEE SSSSSSSS CCCCCCCC SSSSSSSS EEEEEEEE NNN NN QQQQQQQQ UU UU IIIIII RRRRRRRR EEEEEEEE RRRRRRRR EEEEEEEE NNNN NN QQQQQQQQ UU UU IIIIII RRRRRRRR EEEEEEEE RRRRRRRR EE NN NN NN QQ QQ UU UU II RR RR EE RR RR EEEEE NN NN NN QQ QQ UU UU II RRRRRRRR EEEEE RRRRRRRR EEEEE NN NN NN QQ QQ UU UU II RRRRRRRR EEEEE RRRRRRRR EE NN NN NN QQ QQ UU UU II RR RR EE RR RR EE NN NN NN QQ QQQQ UU UU II RR RR EE RR RR EEEEEEEE NN NNNN QQQQQQQQ UUUUUUUU IIIIII RR RR EEEEEEEE RR RR EEEEEEEE NN NNNN QQQQQQQQ UUUUUUUU IIIIII RR RR EEEEEEEE RR RR QQ
All the news that fit the prints.
Friday, December 13, 1991
Harry Q. Bovik
Alan M. Turing
MELLON MAKES WITHDRAWAL... After efforts to change its unflattering portrait in the "Guide to Living in Pittsburgh" failed, Mellon Bank decided to withdraw its name from the University. Fortunately, another corporate sponsor took its place, so next year the University will be known as Carnegie-Ikea University (the presence of the hyphen is unclear as of press time). The new corporate sponsor plans to fund the construction of the long-delayed student center in "easily assembled and stylish particle board."
SCS FEATURED ON "GERALDO"... The School of Computer Science entered the national spotlight today during a Geraldo Rivera special on cult marriages. During the show, Geraldo stated: "Our fact-finding team of reporters have uncoverred a shocking cult going on in Pittsburgh. Yes, the CMU SCS forces unsuspecting students to actually "marry" faculty members, some of them who already have MULTIPLE spouses!" After the taping of the show, Mr. Rivera was heard to say, "So, how do I apply there again?"
DEAN TURNS UP THE HEAT... SCS dean, Raj Reddy, reconsiders his funding policy for theory students - Vows to turn heat in offices back on.
At a surprise press conference, SCS associate dean Merrick Furst announced today that the new core requirements, in addition to including "Fahlman Units" will now also include "Salsman Units". He sai that this unit can be fulfilled by excessive posting of library files to the opinion bboard. He also stated that grandfathering will be more than fair due to the time-travel provisions. SCS students seemed dubious.
After Being Restored from Backup Tape,
EXPERT SYSTEM CLAIMS TO HAVE SEEN HEAVEN.
SOAR RESEARCHERS CLAIM INTELLIGENCE... In a recent press-release, SOAR researchers claimed to have achieved the intelligence level of a 1-year old child. After the initial confusion, a member of the SOAR group clarified that they were talking about the SOAR system and not the actual project members. While the general AI community was excited by the breakthrough, the SOAR group was actually less than excited. "It wakes us up at all hours of the night, never does what we want, and leaves a mess all over the disk" says one anonymous SOAR researcher.
PATTERN-RECOGNITION SYSTEM FINDS FACE OF JESUS IN SOVIET CORNFIELD.
SPONTANEOUS COMPUTER COMBUSTION... Student reports, "I was defending the Federation when I got a message from Scotty, the next thing I knew, my workstation was a pile of smoldering dust." Scientists are baffled.
SCS ENQUIRER COOKING CORNER... This week's submission comes to us from
a Ms. Surfdog in Berkeley, CA.
EZ Microwave Alien
OH, I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS... Nico gives birth to two-headed baby on route to NSF, says one head will study theory, one PS. AI folk are outraged.
Advice is 28 Years Late:
EXPERT SYSTEM WARNS JFK: "DO NOT GO TO DALLAS".
Designer Admits, "We Shouldn't Have Used Lisp"
PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS... Our SCS Enquirer psychic staff have produced their versions of 1992:
Anyone in the SCS community that would like to make a submission for a
future issue of the Enquirer can send mail to:
or call: 1-900-SEEN-ELVIS