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Media Articles - 2000s

Last updated
8 January 2003
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The "P" Stands for Prima Donna

Carroll Star News
by J. Pilkonis
9 June 2002

Hello, and welcome to another great JP column - the only column in Carroll County, incidentally to win six consecutive Pulitzer prizes, a Grammy for the audio recording of Brando Reads Pilkonis, and an unprecedented twelve academy awards for the film version of The "P" Stands for Prima Donna: The JP Story, staring Nathon Lane as Bill Chappell, Jackie Chan as Brian Crotty. Pathways' Joan Moore taking the part of, well, just about anybody and, in a role which will shock you, Dr. Jack Kevorkian as Sue Horn.

As I write this in my fabulous 48 room mansion in the South of France chomping on Balega caviar (tastes great and reduces cavities!) and the generic brand of Ritz crackers, I am busily dictating my next bestseller to my new secretary, Connie Chung, and insisting to the powers that be that before I agree to let them carve my face on Rushmore, that Jefferson character has to go.

Are you impressed yet? I should hope not, because blatant lies should never be something which benefits the one impairing them. Unfortunately, one group of people who haven't quite picked up on this seem to be those in charge of Narconon International, which, as we've finally confirmed, is indeed tied both spiritually and financially to the Church of Scientology.

If you've been following thus saga you're probably confused as can be over what's really going on with these people and who represents what. And you know what? That's exactly the way they want it.

We've now been visited on several occasions by both representatives of Narconon and the Scientologists, and I wish each and every one of you reading this could have been present at these meetings. In fact, I'm glad that Sue Horn and Brian Crotty were there with me, because otherwise I might be afraid no one might believe their unfathomable dishonesty. They were caught in lie after lie after lie, and when confonted with the truth, they opted to lie more. I think what galled us all the most wasn't so much that they chose to lie so much, but that they thought so little of our intelligence that they genuinely believed that we would swallow the garbage they were trying to feed us. It got so hard to take that I forcibly terminated our meeting (in true Mike Wallace style) with Susan Webb. There was no point in going on. Her purpose - proving herself a liar - had been fulfilled.

You know, when I first started looking into all of this Narconon/Scientology stuff, I was somewhat amused by it all. My attitude ran along the lines of, "I can't behave this is for real!" But after numerous communications with these people, my focus has been much more serious. This is grave business. And it is very much for real.

The targets of Narconon are those cursed with addictions, people who are intrinsically weak and vulnerable. Is Narconon a vehicle for the Church of Scientology to recruit new members? I would not say yes or no on the subject, but consider this: Narconon says "No." and their reputation for honesty, at least in our dealings with them is utterly nil. So, you make the call. What do you think?

Me too.

The big joke - it's not very funny - is that the Narconon/Scientologist camp don't seem to realize that they wouldn't be under a fraction of the scrutiny they're currently experiencing if they had just played it clean and honest from the very beginning. It's true that they would have had a hard row to hoe, being involved with something as eccentric (and that's a kind word to use here) as L. Ron Hubbard's rantings. (Seriously folks. I've read some the material Susan Webb dropped off.)

Honesty would have kept most of the media attention away. They did themselves an enormous disservice. As far as the purple of Bowdon are concerned, this situation couldn't be more of a blessing, either

At the same time, this to no time for Bowdon residents to be complacent. Folks, now that you know what kind of people you are dealing with, it's time to take real action. Let your legislators know how you feel. Letters, phone calls. Visit them in person. Bring every minute detail to their attention. Remind them that you'll remember how they voted on the Narconon issue.

It's my opinion that we're dealing with a potentially dangerous situation here. But make your on decisions, then act, for yourselves, and for the good of your community

That's all the time have for now, the man in the guard shack outsidemy 48 track recording studio in Malibu has even shaking his duties and writing letters to the editor about me on company time. Have to have Slick Sam and his boys work him over a little . . . after I get rid of the Nobel people. I've already told them that I have to many of their awards already. All they're doing is collecting dust and my personal maid. Diane Sawyer, has bigger fish to fry, quite frankly. She's overdue with the lube jobs on my fleet of Rolls Royces as it is. And you think your life is tough?