A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand.   "What's going
on`ere then?"  Says a passing policeman.  "They stole me bloody car!" shouts
the drunk.  "Where did you last see it?" asks the copper . "On the end of this
key!" wails the drunk.  The policeman looks him over and says, "Are you aware,
sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?", "Holy shit!" screams
the drunk, "They got me girlfriend too!"

Three cowboys are sitting round a fire.  The first starts to tell yarns about
how he's the toughest cowboy ever.  The second disagrees, and starts to tell
stories about how he's the toughest cowboy ever.  The third just sits silently
by the fire, patiently stirring the coals with his penis.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.

How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

What do Kodak and condoms have in common?
They both capture the moment.

What's the difference between 365 used tires and 365 used condoms?
One was a Goodyear, one was a great year

Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sitting next to each other on a
Trans-Atlantic flight.  Suddenly, the plane plummets out of control.
In panic, the woman turns to the man, tears off her blouse and cries,
"Make me feel like a woman one more time!"  Rising to the occasion the
man tears off his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 pounds.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 
45 minutes.

One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one says, "Relax.  We just passed the tonsils."

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

How are women and rocks alike? 
You skip the flat ones.

Did you hear about the new blonde paint? 
It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? 
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead? 
The sex is the same but you get the remote.

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spit, swallow and gargle.

What's the definition of Australian aristocracy?
A man who can trace his lineage back to his father.

A woman tells her friend she's received a bunch of flowers from her husband.
"I suppose I'll have to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs
in the air," she says.  To which her friend replies, "Why, don't you have
a vase?"