[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] # # # # # # # # ## ##### ##### # # # # # # ## # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ###### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ###### ##### ##### # # # # # # ## # # # # # # # # # ##### # # # # # # # # # ###### # ####### # # # ###### ##### # # # # # # ##### # # ##### # # # # # # ##### # # # # # # ####### ## ###### # # # # # ###### ##### ###### ##### # # # # # # # # # ##### # ##### # # ####### # # # ##### # # # # # # # # # # # ###### # # EPISODE GUIDE Version 2.0 May 5, 1997 by Aaron Greenhouse (aarong@cs.cmu.edu) The contents and layout of this program guide are Copyright ©1995, 1996, 1997 Aaron Greenhouse, All Rights Reserved. This guide contains episode decriptions through the end of the secon season. I hope have the third season description done by the end the summer of 1997. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] -= CHARACTERS & GENERAL INFO =- Premise ------- The program takes place in Van Nuys, and revolves around Jack Malloy and his estranged wife Jennifer, who just got separated after 16 years of marriage. They have three children: Ryan, a not so bright teenage son; Tiffany, a beautiful teenage daughter; and Ross. During the first season, Ryan is 16, Tiffany is 15, and Ryan is 8. Jennifer's mother, Maureen Slatery, also lives with Jennifer and the kids. Jack, a salesman at Joe's Used Cars ("Mr. No"), works for Jennifer's father, and lives in a crummy apartment with Mr. Floppy, a stuffed bunny given to him by Ross, who talks to him. Jack ---- Jack Malloy earns $40,000 a year, but only has $5 a day left after all his expenses ("Pilot"). During the first season he lives in apartment 13 of a very dingy apartment complex, but spends a lot of time at Jennie's to see the kids and do favors for Jennie. He is almost 40, misses his father, but neither knows nor cares if he is alive, and has no idea where is mother is ("The Descent of Man" / "Gift of the Magnovox"). During the Vietnam War, Jack served in the Air Force giving out shirts in Amarillo ("Jack's First Date"). Jack is very defensive about the fact that he played soccer during high school ("Don Juan de Van Nuys"). He missed the birth of one the kids because a Clipper's game went into overtime. He has played basketball at 10am on Saturday for the last six years. His teammates are Lefty, Righty, the Black Guy, Slimy, Sweaty, Fatty, and the Mail Guy (Amber's Father) ("Hoop Dreams"). Jack loves fish ("A Line in the Sand"), was an English major in college ("Girls Who Wear Glasses"), and is a Leo ("In the Stars"). Mr. Floppy ---------- Mr. Floppy is a stuffed rabbit given to him by Ross. He talks to Jack, and is the manifestation of Jack's alter ego. He is quite a colorful character, and is found of telling stories about when he lived in the toy bin. He used to hang with GI Joe, Barney, and the X-Men (says that Wolverine is a really fun guy) ("Zit Could Happen to You"). He grew up in the half-price toy bin, always feeling inferior to the full-retail price toys like Barney and those snotty 90210 dolls. When the Dylan doll got dropped in his bin, he thought he ruled it, until Floppy kicked him in the groin and had his way with the Kelly doll him ("Rocky IV"). He dated Barbie until GI Joe stole her from him. Then he "did it" with Skipper ("Making the Grade"). Mr. Floppy has been married six times: five times to dolls, and once, when he was really drunk, to the shoe in the Monopoly game. He tells Jack that he really could have been happy with the shoe ("Getting More Than Some"). He says that he ripped the head off of a stuffed bear at the toy factory in order to avoid being shipped to India ("Meter Maid"). During the second season, Mr. Floppy is obsessed with Drew Barrymore, and makes reference to wanted her almost every episode. He says he wants to buy the town that Kim Basinger owns and rule it with his queen Drew ("Leaving Van Nuys"). Mr. Floppy also reveals a violent streak. In "The Whiz Kid" he says it is a sad day when you can't hate in America anymore. He says that killing is what made America great, "we killed the Indians, we killed the English, we killed the French, we killed the Germans (not enough of them by the way)" ("The Rat"). Jennifer -------- Jennifer Malloy got to keep the house and custody of the kids. She has three dogs: Annie (the brown and white one), Emily (the all brown one), and Jasper (the tiny one). She has (had) a brother Jimmy, who's in his 32nd year at boarding school, and who never writes ("Gift of the Magnovox"). She is bitter that she did not attend her high school prom, and was never able to realize her dream of being a fashion designer ("The Great Depression" / "Hoop Dreams"). Her favorite flavor is potato ("Gift of the Magnovox"). Jennie went to college for two years ("Jack Writes Good"). She had to force Jack to go out with her ("Mr. No"), and when she found out she was pregnant, she picked him and hoped that the blood test panned out ("Honey, I Screwed Up the Kids for Life"). Tiffany ------- Tiffany Malloy is Jack and Jennifer's daughter. She is intelligent straight A student , who knows that she is God's gift to man, and intends to exploit that fact to marry, and then divorce a millionaire; her motto being: "I will only trade purity for financial security" ("Nikki Nite" Promo / "Daddy's Little Girl"). In the mean time she enjoys the power she has over the boys at school, and always uses it to her advantage. Her favorite color is green ("Nikki Nite" Promo). She is definitely "daddy's little girl." Jack bends over backwards to do what she wants, and folds when she says she won't love him any more. In his mind, he still sees her as a little girl ("Daddy's Little Girl"). Tiffany is obsessed with her weight. Weighing herself always makes her happy ("Zit Could Happen to You"). She has gained a pound a year since she was twelve, and plans to be 100lbs when is 30 ("A Touch of Glass"). In "Girls Who Wear Glasses" she says she weighs 97lbs. She likes to use her looks for personal gain, and in "Angel Gone Bad" forms a business around them. For a double does of self-esteem she goes to the library by way of the construction site ("The Whiz Kid"). She is on the high school debate team and in "The Whiz Kid" she won 1st place in the state finals by solving world hunger. She is on her way to developing her own psychological problems. Jack and Jennie were so proud of her when she was potty trained that they invited relatives over to watch her go to the bathroom. She still hears applause whenever she flushes. She wouldn't play dodgeball in kindergarten, so her hands were tied behind her back, and the ball thrown at her. Now she screams when items as small as a pea are thrown at her ("Girls Who Wear Glasses"). Ryan ---- Ryan Malloy is the eldest child. He is not very bright, and has little luck with women. His kiss with Cindy in the lunchroom is the longest relationship he has ever had ("Boxing Mr. Floppy"). He gets little respect from the rest of the family, and Jack always tells him to bottle up his emotions. He may have lot his virginity and more with a sado-masochistic cult member ("Daddy's Little Girl"). His stupidity is amazing: he wasn't potty trained until he was eight ("The Whiz Kid"), he wants to be a pro-baseball player, but he only bats 0.100 ("Making the Grade"), and he has to repeat his senior year of high school. He pretends to be the boyfriend of the lesbians at school in return for protection from bullies. In addition, sometimes they let him watch ("A Line in the Sand"). He has played basketball against Jack since he was little. Jack's only reason to live is knowing that he can beat him whenever he wants ("The Agony of Victory"). Ryan is a Virgo ("In the Stars"). He too is on his way to mental problems. When he was two, he ran over a cat with a tricycle. When learning to drive a car, he ran over another cat, and developed a new personality to blame it on ("Driving Me Crazy"). Ross ---- Ross Malloy is the youngest child. During the first season, very little is revealed about him. Starting with the second season, however, Ross emerges as the voice of responsibility and normality within the Malloy household. His birthday is December 13 ("A Touch of Glass"). He likes to bathe with the dogs ("Making the Grade"). He doesn't know what church is ("Getting More Than Some"). Maureen ------- Maureen Slatery is Jennifer's mother. She is a pill-head, using prescriptions drugs for recreational purposes. In the past she was quite promiscuous, revealing her adventures in drugged out rants. She is still married to her husband, who is Jack's boss at the used car lot. She came for a visit and never left ("Jack the Ripper"). Maureen hates Jack, who also hates her. Jack has never called her mom, which is one of the reasons she hates him ("Jack the Ripper"). She poisoned Snuffles, Jennifer's childhood cat, in an attempt to kill her husband, and ran over buttons, her puppy, because she couldn't see out of the back of the Chrysler. She may have also killed Jennifer's brother. ("Gift of the Magnovox"). It is clear that she is the reason that Jennifer is very domineering over Jack: she claims that her husband was the first man to buy a box of tampons ("The Descent of Man"). Maureen resents Jennie, and frequently makes comments about Jennie having a big head when she was born ("All About Jennie"), and for being born feet first ("A Touch of Glass"). She tried to give away Jennie when she was baby, but coyotes, Gypsies, and volcanoes all rejected her ("Girls Who Wear Glasses"). The Malloys ----------- The Malloys own a Ford Taurus ("In the Stars"), license plate number 2MFE?67 ("Driving Me Crazy"). Their street address is 3022 Oak Avenue, Van Nuys, CA ("Mr. No"). In "Run" we learn that Jack and Jennifer were married in February, and that Ryan was born in May. Beer made Ryan and Tiffany, and vodka made Ross. Ryan was a mistake. ("Hot Wheels"). The Malloys like to watch The WB network, calling it the only network that the family can enjoy together. In "Making the Grade" they watch Kirk, and in "The Agony of Victory" Jack makes reference to Savannah. Priddy High ----------- Tiffany and Ryan attend Priddy High, founded in 1846. The principal is Eugene Dunst ("A Line in the Sand"). Teacher's we've seen are Miss Taylor (played by Jessica Hahn), who teaches Civics, and Mr. Dunn (played by Allan Trautman), who teaches English. The old Priddy High fight song used to be "Scalp 'Em, Burn 'Em, Spear 'Em in the Eye! We're all liquored up, we're Priddy High! Gooooo, Injuns!" The new politically correct version is "Love 'Em, Hug 'Em, Give 'Em Apple Pie! No matter what color they are, look 'em in the eye and say , We're all the same, it's what under the skin that counts. We're all humans, even the animals. We hope haven't offended any one. Save the dolphins, save the whales. Save your bottles and cans for recycling. Gooooo Native Americans!" ("The Whiz Kid"). Tiffany eats lunch with her friends Amber Moss and Barry Walenstein. Amber's father, Ed Moss, is a mail carrier, who until "Hoop Dreams" had never been attacked by a dog, and was very proud of his legs ("Hoop Dreams"). Amber once slept with her math teacher to get a B. Barry is flamingly gay, and Tiffany gets her clothes from him, which he makes in Home Economics. Ryan has not figured out that Barry is gay ("Mistress Jennie"). Barry's parents don't know he is gay either. He shows his mother cosmetic tips to his mother, and watches football and looks at Playboy's with his father ("Mr. No" / "Leaving Van Nuys"). Other students include Beauregard "Beau" Scott, Chipper Colling, Cindy, Patty LeGurst (who fights with Tiffany in "A Line in the Sand"), Chelsea (who had sex with Ryan in "In the Stars"), Mike (who does that "thing" with his hair in "Honey, I Screwed Up the Kids for Life"), Stoney (who likes to give reports on Lou Goldstien, the man who let him into the strip club with out an ID), J.J. (one of the lesbians that protects Ryan), Angora, Dean Valentine, and Billy Emery. During the third season, Sable O'Brian transfers into the high school and becomes a threat to Tiffany's popularity. Jack's Madness -------------- It is originally not clear whether Mr. Floppy actually talks, or if it is all in Jack's head. It becomes quite clear during "The Bigger They Are, the Harder They Fall" that Mr. Floppy is just a delusion when Jack stuffs a sock in Mr. Floppy's mouth. Mr. Floppy looks at him and says with out using his mouth: "You can't shut me up. I'm in your mind!" The talking mop and pizza box in "Gift of the Magnovox" are also a dead give away. However in the "Run," we see Mr. Floppy talk while Jack is asleep. In "The Great Depression," Jack and Mr. Floppy record an answering machine message, but Mr. Floppy's voice doesn't record. He remarks, "Oh yeah, I forgot that I don't exist." In "The Pride of the Injuns" Jack videotapes Mr. Floppy dancing and singing, but when the tape is played back, Mr. Floppy is just sitting on the couch. In "Mistress Jennie," Mr. Floppy becomes upset because he thinks that Jack is starting to talk to other inanimate objects, specifically the toaster and the telephone. Jack denies it, pointing out that one is supposed to talk into a telephone. Although later when he is at Jennifer's, he makes toast and keeps commenting on how nice a toaster she has, that it makes good toast, and doesn't talk back to him. He later agrees to help her if he can use the toaster whenever he wants. Jack and Mr. Floppy have a very strange relationship. Mr. Floppy and Jack often behave as if they were a couple, with Mr. Floppy constantly referring to how he is being neglected and things that happened prior to "them." In more recent episodes, the Mr. Floppy has described himself as Jack's alter-ego. Mr. Floppy is not Jack's yes-man: he doesn't usually tell Jack what he wants to hear, but what Jack needs to hear. He exists to give Jack what Jack is not getting outing of his marriage with Jennie, but at the same time often treats Jack in the same way that Jennie does. During the second season, we get a better picture of Jack's mental state. Apparently, he has a colorful history. When he was 16, he killed an emu at the zoo because it was giving him attitude, and a panda because it wouldn't dance for marshmallows ("Jack Writes Good"). At Disney Land he attacked Goofy ("Leaving Van Nuys"). He is on probation for threatening a girl scout who gave him peppermint patties instead of skinny mints ("Girls Who Wear Glasses"). Compare & Contrast with Married with Children --------------------------------------------- Unhappily Ever After was created by the same people who created the FOX program Married with Children. Unfortunately, they really aren't all that different, except for the talking bunny. Jack, like Al, has a crappy job and hates his mother-in-law. They both have a love/hate relationship with their wives, the difference being that Jack was actually thrown out of the house by his wife. Jennifer and Peggy continuously torture their husbands. Both have ungrateful children. Tiffany is higher class than Kelly Bundy-- she is saving herself for a rich old geezer, destined to be the trophy wife of some rich businessman-- and also happens to be the smart one, which also makes Bud Bundy and Ryan opposites. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] -= OPENING SEQUENCE =- The sixth episode, "Run," began with different opening credits than the first five episodes. The theme song changed to "Hit the Road Jack." During the credits Mr. Floppy mouths the male vocals and dances around in sunglasses and with a cigarette, while during the female vocals we see various clips of Jennie, Tiffany, and Maureen from different episodes. The original theme song was sung by Bobcat, and shows Jack and Jennifer, then the kids, then Jack being kicked out the house, then walking to his new apartment as someone shoots a robber dead next to him. The new version of the opening credits is also used with the reruns of the first five episodes as well. The lyrics to the original opening theme are: We married young, Because of Cupid. And had three kids, Because we were stupid. She kicked me out, She's not my honey. But she still wants me, When she needs money. Now I'm alone, Come rain or sunny. But who needs love, I've got my bunny. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] -= AIR DATES & EPISODES =- Air Dates --------- The table below details the broadcast history of "Unhappily Ever After" on the Warner Bros. Network. "DOFB" is the date of first broadcast. # R? DOFB Date Episode Season 1 -------- January 11, 1995 to June 21, 1995: Wednesdays at 9:00pm 1 11 Jan 95 11 Jan 95 (pilot) 2 18 Jan 95 18 Jan 95 "Gift of the Magnovox" 3 25 Jan 95 25 Jan 95 "Jack's First Date" 4 1 Feb 95 1 Feb 95 "The Bigger They Are, the Harder They Fall" 5 8 Feb 95 8 Feb 95 "Jack the Ripper" 6 15 Feb 95 15 Feb 95 "Run" 7 22 Feb 95 22 Feb 95 "The Descent of Man" 8 1 Mar 95 1 Mar 95 "Boxing Mr. Floppy" 2 R 18 Jan 95 8 Mar 95 "Gift of the Magnovox" 9 15 Mar 95 15 Mar 95 "Don Juan de Van Nuys" 10 22 Mar 95 22 Mar 95 "Mistress Jennie" 3 R 25 Jan 95 29 Mar 95 "Jack's First Date" 4 R 1 Feb 95 5 Apr 95 "The Bigger They Are, The Harder They Fall" 7 R 22 Feb 95 12 Apr 95 "The Descent of Man" 6 R 15 Feb 95 19 Apr 95 "Run" 8 R 1 Mar 95 26 Apr 95 "Boxing Mr. Floppy" 11 3 May 95 3 May 95 "Daddy's Little Girl" 1 R 11 Jan 95 3 May 95 (pilot) (9:30pm) 12 10 May 95 10 May 95 "The Great Depression" 13 17 May 95 17 May 95 "Hoop Dreams" 9 R 15 Mar 95 24 May 95 "Don Juan de Van Nuys" 10 R 22 Mar 95 31 May 95 "Mistress Jennie" 3 R 25 Jan 95 31 May 95 "Jack's First Date" (9:30pm) 4 R 1 Feb 95 7 Jun 95 "The Bigger They Are, the Harder They Fall" 2 R 18 Jan 95 14 Jun 95 "Gift of the Magnovox " 5 R 8 Feb 95 14 Jun 95 "Jack the Ripper" (9:30pm) 8 R 1 Mar 95 21 Jun 95 "Boxing Mr. Floppy" 1 R 11 Jan 95 21 Jun 95 (pilot) (9:30pm) June 28, 1995 to July 10, 1996: Wednesdays at 9:30pm 6 R 15 Feb 95 28 Jun 95 "Run" 7 R 22 Feb 95 5 Jul 95 "The Descent of Man" 11 R 3 May 95 12 Jul 95 "Daddy's Little Girl" 12 R 10 May 95 19 Jul 95 "The Great Depression" 13 R 17 May 95 26 Jul 95 "Hoop Dreams" 9 R 15 Mar 95 2 Aug 95 "Don Juan de Van Nuys" 10 R 22 Mar 95 9 Aug 95 "Mistress Jennie" 5 R 8 Feb 95 16 Aug 95 "Jack the Ripper" 11 R 3 May 95 23 Aug 95 "Daddy's Little Girl" 12 R May 10 95 Aug 30 95 "The Great Depression" Season 2 -------- 1 6 Sep 95 6 Sep 95 "Jack Moves Back" 2 13 Sep 95 13 Sep 95 "Zit Could Happen to You" 3 20 Sep 95 20 Sep 95 "The Rat" 4 27 Sep 95 27 Sep 95 "Rocky IV" 5 4 Oct 95 4 Oct 95 "Rock Star" 6 11 Oct 95 11 Oct 95 "Driving Me Crazy" 1 R 6 Sep 95 18 Oct 95 "Jack Moves Back" 7 25 Oct 95 25 Oct 95 "A Touch of Glass" 2 R 13 Sep 95 1 Nov 95 "Zit Could Happen to You" 8 8 Nov 95 8 Nov 95 "A Line in the Sand" 9 15 Nov 95 15 Nov 95 "Making the Grade" 10 22 Nov 95 22 Nov 95 "Honey, I Screwed Up the Kids for Life" 11 29 Nov 95 29 Nov 95 "The Whiz Kid" 4 R 27 Sep 95 6 Dec 95 "Rocky IV" 6 R 11 Oct 95 13 Dec 95 "Driving Me Crazy" 3 R 20 Sep 95 17 Dec 95 "The Rat" (Sunday at 9:30pm) 12 20 Dec 95 20 Dec 95 "Hot Wheels" 5 R 4 Oct 95 27 Dec 95 "Rock Star" 8 R 8 Nov 95 3 Jan 96 "A Line in the Sand" 13 10 Jan 96 10 Jan 96 "Picnic of Pain and Peril" 1 R 6 Sep 95 14 Jan 96 "Jack Moves Back" (Sunday at 9:00pm) 2 R 13 Sep 95 14 Jan 96 "Zit Could Happen to You" (Sunday at 9:30pm) 7 R 25 Oct 95 17 Jan 96 "A Touch of Glass" 9 R 15 Nov 95 24 Jan 96 "Making the Grade" 14 31 Jan 96 31 Jan 96 "Meter Maid" 15 7 Feb 96 7 Feb 96 "In the Stars" 16 14 Feb 96 14 Feb 96 "Mr. No" 17 21 Feb 96 21 Feb 96 "The Agony of Victory" 18 28 Feb 96 28 Feb 96 "All About Jennie" 10 R 22 Nov 95 6 Mar 96 "Honey, I Screwed Up the Kids for Life" 13 Mar 96 Pre-empted by The Wayans Bros. 12 R 20 Dec 95 20 Mar 96 "Hot Wheels" 3 R 20 Sep 95 27 Mar 96 "The Rat" 13 R 10 Jan 96 3 Apr 96 "Picnic of Pain and Peril" 14 R 31 Jan 96 10 Apr 96 "Meter Maid" 15 R 7 Feb 96 17 Apr 96 "In the Stars" 16 R 14 Feb 96 24 Apr 96 "Mr. No" 19 1 May 96 1 May 96 "Jack Writes Good" 20 8 May 96 8 May 96 "Girls Who Wear Glasses" 21 15 May 96 15 May 96 "Leaving Van Nuys" 22 22 May 96 22 May 96 "Getting More Than Some" 17 R 21 Feb 96 29 May 96 "The Agony of Victory" 18 R 28 Feb 96 5 Jun 96 "All About Jennie" 7 R 25 Oct 95 12 Jun 96 "A Touch of Glass" 15 R 7 Feb 96 19 Jun 96 "In the Stars" 19 R 1 May 96 26 Jun 96 "Jack Writes Good" 13 R 10 Jan 96 3 Jul 96 "Picnic of Pain and Peril" 21 R 15 May 96 10 Jul 96 "Leaving Van Nuys" July 14, 1996 to September 1, 1996: Sundays at 9:00 & 9:30pm 20 R 8 May 96 14 Jul 96 "Girls Who Wear Glasses" 9 R 15 Nov 95 14 Jul 96 "Making the Grade" (9:30pm) 2 R 13 Sep 95 21 Jul 96 "Zit Could Happen to You" 12 R 20 Dec 95 21 Jul 96 "Hot Wheels" (9:30pm) 16 R 14 Feb 96 28 Jul 96 "Mr. No" 3 R 20 Sep 95 28 Jul 96 "The Rat" (9:30pm) 6 R 11 Oct 95 4 Aug 96 "Driving Me Crazy" 11 R 29 Nov 95 4 Aug 96 "The Whiz Kid" (9:30pm) 17 R 21 Feb 96 11 Aug 96 "The Agony of Victory" 22 R 22 May 96 11 Aug 96 "Getting More Than Some" (9:30pm) 18 R 28 Feb 96 18 Aug 96 "All About Jennie" 10 R 22 Nov 95 18 Aug 96 "Honey, I Screwed Up the Kids for Life" (9:30pm) 20 R 8 May 96 25 Aug 96 "Girls Who Wear Glasses" 25 Aug 96 Pre-empted by Life With Roger 8 R 8 Nov 95 1 Sep 96 "A Line in the Sand" 19 R 1 May 96 1 Sep 96 "Jack Writes Good" (9:30pm) Season 3 -------- September 8, 1996: Sundays at 9:00pm 1 8 Sep 96 8 Sep 96 "Tiffany's Rival" 2 15 Sep 96 15 Sep 96 "Beach Party" 3 22 Sep 96 22 Sep 96 "Angel Gone Bad" 4 29 Sep 96 29 Sep 96 "The Temptation of Jack" 5 6 Oct 96 6 Oct 96 "Lightning Boy" 6 13 Oct 96 13 Oct 96 "Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!" 1 R 8 Sep 96 20 Oct 96 "Tiffany's Rival" 7 27 Oct 96 27 Oct 96 "Halloween XXVII" 8 3 Nov 96 3 Nov 96 "Rock 'N' Roll" 9 10 Nov 96 10 Nov 96 "The Pride of the Injuns" 10 17 Nov 96 17 Nov 96 "Eating Hollywood" 11 24 Nov 96 24 Nov 96 "High and Dry" 3 R 22 Sep 96 24 Nov 96 "Angel Gone Bad" (9:30pm) 2 R 15 Sep 96 1 Dec 96 "Beach Party" 5 R 6 Oct 96 8 Dec 96 "Lightning Boy" 12 15 Dec 96 15 Dec 96 "The Tell-Tale Lipstick" 4 R 29 Sep 96 22 Dec 96 "The Temptation of Jack" 6 R 13 Oct 96 29 Dec 96 "Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!" 8 R 3 Nov 96 5 Jan 97 "Rock 'N' Roll" 9 R 10 Nov 96 12 Jan 97 "The Pride of the Injuns" 13 19 Jan 97 19 Jan 97 "Burnfeld" 10 R 17 Nov 96 26 Jan 97 "Eating Hollywood" 14 2 Feb 97 2 Feb 97 "The President" R 8 May 96 2 Feb 97 "Girls Who Wear Glasses" (9:30pm) 15 9 Feb 97 9 Feb 97 "Tiffany on the Wild Side" R 21 Feb 96 9 Feb 97 "The Agony of Victory" (9:30pm) 16 16 Feb 97 16 Feb 97 "The Potato Rebellion" 7 R 27 Oct 96 16 Feb 97 "Halloween XXVII" (9:30pm) 17 23 Feb 97 23 Feb 97 "B-Minus Blues" 11 R 24 Nov 96 2 Mar 97 "High and Dry" 12 R 15 Dec 96 9 Mar 97 "The Tell-Tale Lipstick" 13 R 19 Jan 97 16 Mar 97 "Burnfeld" ("Sternberg") 1 R 8 Sep 96 23 Mar 97 "Tiffany's Rival" 3 R 22 Sep 96 30 Mar 97 "Angel Gone Bad" 14 R 2 Feb 97 6 Apr 97 "The President" 15 R 9 Feb 97 13 Apr 97 "Tiffany on the Wild Side" 18 20 Apr 97 20 Apr 97 "From Russia With Love" 19 27 Apr 97 27 Apr 97 "Little Ice Cream Shop of Horrors" 5 R 6 Oct 96 27 Apr 97 "Lightning Boy" (9:30pm) 20 4 May 97 4 May 97 "Shampoo" 9 R 10 Nov 96 4 May 97 "The Pride of the Injuns" (9:30pm) Episode Descriptions: Season 1 ------------------------------ 1) "PILOT" * Written By: Ron Leavitt & Arthur Silver * Director: Gerry Cohen * Miss Taylor: Jessica Hahn * Amber: Dana Daurey * Larry: Brett Stimely * Barry: ANT * Chuck: David O'Donnell It's been two weeks since Jennifer kicked Jack out of the house, and Ryan only just notices. He's just rented an apartment for himself and Jennifer gives him his pillow, blue quilt, a fork, a knife, and his orange juice glass to take with him. Ross gives him his stuffed bunny, Mr. Floppy. He takes Mr. Floppy to his apartment, and his so screwed up that Mr. Floppy starts to talk to him. Ryan and Tiffany learn to take advantage of being products of a broken home at school. Jack steals back his high school leather jacket from Jennifer while she is out on a date. She comes over to his apartment because she can't sleep with out him next to her, and they end up having sex. -------------------------------------- 2) "GIFT OF THE MAGNOVOX" * Written By: Marcy Vosburgh & Sandy Sprung * Director: Gerry Cohen * Doctor: Steven Gilborn After failing to get one of the three VCRs (even the one that requires you to continuously press the "play" button) from Jennifer in the divorce, Jack sells his car to an old lady and buys himself a new one. Mr. Floppy gets excited because they can watch porno (Natural Born Hooters). Jennifer gets upset because it's their first marriage anniversary after the break up, and Jack forgets what day it is. Jennifer invites Jack over for dinner and cons him into feeling that they ought to exchange gifts, and he gives her the new VCR, while she gives him the crappy one. Mr. Floppy gets mad at Jack for giving away the new VCR, and Jack makes the mop and pizza box talk to demonstrate that he doesn't need Mr. Floppy. -------------------------------------- 3) "JACK'S FIRST DATE" * Written By: Kimberly Young-Silver * Director: Sam W. Orender * Miss Taylor: Jessica Hahn * Barry: ANT Mr. Floppy thinks that Jack should start dating. While Jack, Jennifer, Ryan, and Tiffany go to Priddy High's back to school night, Jack tries to send out "the vibe" to the women there. Amazingly he gets a date with Miss Taylor (Ryan's Civics Teacher), whom all the male teachers and students, and half the female teachers are after. Jennifer agrees to lend Jack the car for the date, but is less than supportive of him. When Jack comes to pick up the car, Jennifer and the car aren't there-- she and Maureen have taken it to the other side of the block. Jack ends up meeting Miss Taylor 3 hours late, and Ryan's friend the paperboy ends up going home with her. -------------------------------------- 4) "THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE HARDER THEY FALL" * Written By: Marcy Vosburgh & Sandy Sprung * Director: Gerry Cohen * Doctor: Steven Gilborn * Nurse Crenshaw: Betsy Monroe * Voice of TV Evangelist: Thomas R. Meyers In order to become more successful at attracting a new man, Jennifer wants Jack to buy her new breasts. When he refuses, she tries to sell her engagement ring and finds out it is glass and 14 karat goldette, and becomes upset. Jack, against the wishes of Mr. Floppy, decides to sell his autographed baseball in order to buy her a new ring. Jennifer tells him that the ball was really autographed by her mother. Jack and Jennifer have sex at the end of the episode. -------------------------------------- 5) "JACK THE RIPPER" * Written By: J. Stewart Burns * Director: Gerry Cohen * Salesman: Stephen T. Kay Since Jack's boss (Jennifer's father) won't give him a car, he decides to buy a moped. Jennifer finally convinces her mother, who came six weeks ago for a two week visit, to go home. As Maureen walks out the door, Jack runs into her with the moped, which of course causes her to continue staying with Jennifer. Jennifer decides that in order to prevent Maureen from suing Jack and getting all of Jennifer's stuff, that Jack should call her "mom" (which he has never done). Features a wonderful daydream medley of scenes where Jack imagines killing Maureen at various stages in his life. -------------------------------------- 6) "RUN" * Written By: Christina Lynch * Director: Gerry Cohen * Little Tiffany: Chelsea Lynn * Little Ryan: Tommy Bertelsen Jenny, Ross, and Ryan are sick in bed with colds, and Tiffany has two days until the Alpha Pi Psi party at the local university, where she plans to mingle with the geeks since "today's big dufus is tomorrow's Bill Gates." Jennifer calls Jack over so that he can pick up food and tampons, and get the car from the mechanic. Mr. Floppy makes Jack to take him along so that he won't be bored in the apartment, and then convinces Jack to escape to Mexico. Jack turns back home after a "conscious attack," gets yelled at for buying the wrong flavor lollipops, and is stopped from running to Mexico again because he ran out of gas in the driveway. Jack and Jennifer have sex in the front seat of the car at the end. -------------------------------------- 7) "THE DESCENT OF MAN" * Written By: David A. Caplan & Brian Lapan * Director: Linda Day Jennifer is appalled by Jack's, Ryan's, and Ross' table manners, while Jack becomes upset when he learns that Ryan does the dishes and the laundry. Jack encourages him to fight against his emasculation, and Ryan then refuses to do the laundry, so Jennifer kicks him out. Ross is later deposited at Jack's after using the guest soaps in the bathroom. Jack tries to teach the boys how to revel in their maleness, while Jennifer, Tiffany, and Maureen enjoy the silence of a house devoid of belching, and exchange stories about the "gelding of men." For want of food, Jack and the boys raid Jennifer's garbage for left overs and then get food poisoning. After being retrieved from the hospital by the women, the three are made to do the dishes in frilly aprons. Don't miss Tiffany getting hot talking about the riches she will acquire from her man-- "Oh, stocks, diamonds and porkbellies oh my!" -------------------------------------- 8) "BOXING MR. FLOPPY" * Written By: Gabrielle Topping * Director: Gerry Cohen * Barry: ANT * Cindy: Marne Patterson * Beau: Benjamin Shelfer Jennifer wants to get into the Betty Ford Clinic so that she can meet a rich drunk, and tells Jack he'll have to take the kids when she is away for the week. He'll have to pay for her visit or he'll have the kids forever. Jack takes the kids for the night and Ross cuts off Mr. Floppy's foot so that he can have a good luck charm to break his string of bad luck. Ryan steals the foot from Ross, and uses it get a date with Cindy Stalling (whom he dreams of every night). Moments later Tiffany steals it from him, and he promptly loses Cindy, but Tiffany finds a diamond ring in her sandwich. Jennifer gets tips from Maureen on how to fit in at the Clinic. Jennifer takes the foot from the kids and won't give it to Jack because it got her into Betty Ford. Jack unsuccessfully tries to offer Mr. Floppy a new foot from a different stuffed animal, then breaks into Jennifer's house and gets noticed by everyone. Never the less, he steals the foot from Jennifer, and she promptly gets bumped from the Clinic. There's a great scene where Mr. Floppy comes on to a Barbie-type doll that Jack brought home with the rest of the stuffed animals. -------------------------------------- 9) "DON JUAN DE VAN NUYS" * Written By: Arthur Silver * Director: Linda Day * Matt Cochran: Quinn Duffy Jennifer is depressed because she can't get a date, and wants to be lusted after. When Jack takes the rest of his stuff out her basement, she decides to fix up the house. She hires Matt, a twenty year old who just moved into Jack's building, who was captain of the football, baseball, and basketball teams in high school. When Jack tells Jennifer that Matt has a habit of sleeping with the women he works for, Jennifer goes after him. Tiffany gets really aroused by him, and Jennifer forces her to stay away from him so that she won't have to compete. After Matt shows no interest in her, and runs off with Mrs. Wilson, who has a big butt and four chins, Jennifer complains to Jack that she isn't attractive. -------------------------------------- 10) "MISTRESS JENNIE" * Written By: Sandy Sprung & Marcy Vosburgh * Director: Gerry Cohen * Barry: ANT * Amber: Dana Daurey * Chelsea: Shonda Whipple * Beau: Benjamin Shelfer * Gavin: James Cooper Jennifer goes out with Gavin Drake, "Picture Framer of the Stars," and falls for him because it's the best date she has had so far. Tiffany and Ryan learn that he is a married man at school lunch because he is the father of Chelsea, one of their friends. They tell Jack, and he gets excited because he'll get to crush Jennie by telling her, and it'll be the best thing that has happened to him all year. Mr. Floppy wants him to wait telling her so that he can get gossip about Shannon Doherty out of Gavin. Jack doesn't get to tell her because Gavin asks her to be his mistress. Jeannie seriously considers it, but breaks up with him because it would be too much for her conscience. -------------------------------------- 11) "DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL" * Written By: Christina Lynch * Director: Gerry Cohen * Forest Celebrity: Bobcat Goldthwait * Little Tiffany: Chelsea Lynn * Beau: Benjamin Shelfer * Amazon Woman: Nicole Nagel Tiffany wants to spend the night at the lake with her friends, including her date Beau. Jack forbids her because he still sees her as a little girl, and does not want her to be taken advantage of. Ryan keeps trying to talk to Jack about his own date, whom he describes as older, an occultist, and criminally insane, but both Jack and Jennifer ignore him. Later, Jack feels about forbidding Tiffany to go, but both Mr. Floppy and Jennifer agree that he made the right decision. Tiffany then sweet-talks Jack into allowing her to spend the night at the lake. Jennifer gets mad, and they go out in an attempt to retrieve Tiffany. -------------------------------------- 12) "THE GREAT DEPRESSION" * Written By: J. Stewart Burns * Director: Gerry Cohen * Mr. Dunn: Allan Trautman * Amber: Dana Daurey * Barry: ANT Jennifer is chaperoning Tiffany's spring dance. Tiffany is in charge of planning the dance, and has invested the funds into war-oriented stocks. Unfortunately, peace breaks out and her investments go bad. Jack has to return his new J. Bean wardrobe (that Mr. Floppy says makes him look like a gay-boy) in order to help fund the dance. Jennifer makes Jack help her with and take her to the dance. Ryan ends up with 10 dates because the girlfriends of the football team want to get even with the team for getting a stripper the week before. The theme of the dance is "The O.J. Trial Under the Stars," and Barry wins Queen of the Prom. -------------------------------------- 13) "HOOP DREAMS" * Written By: Alan Aiderman * Director: Gerry Cohen * Mr. Dunn: Allan Trautman * Amber: Dana Daurey * Billy Emery: Blake Super * Righty: Frank Lloyd After winning $200,000 playing Monopoly, Ryan thinks he might have a future as a business tycoon and starts to act and dress the part. After Amber's father is mauled by a dog, Jennie is chosen to be the speaker for "Face the Future" day at Ryan and Tiffany's high school. She guilts the kids into going, and tells Jack that he has to go as well. Unfortunately, it conflicts with his weekly basketball game. Jack leaves notes all over his apartment to remind himself to go, but ends up forgetting anyway. -------------------------------------- Episode Descriptions: Season 2 ------------------------------ For reasons that I don't completely understand, I started writing much more detailed descriptions of the episodes. 1) "JACK MOVES BACK" * Written By: Arthur Silver * Director: Gerry Cohen Jack is going to Jennie's in order to sign the divorce papers. Mr. Floppy is excited about the finalization, and wants Jack and him to come out, get married, and move to France, where Mr. Floppy can become a star. Jack immediately signs the papers, but Jennie is worried that the divorce may adversely affect the kids. Jack is concerned, as the kids were messed up before they broke up, except for Ross, who is the normal one. When Ross walks in the door imitating Woody Harrelson in Natural Born Killers (it turns out the Ryan shaved his head while he was sleeping, and he was just trying to make it work), Jack agrees to get back together for the sake of the kids, and because they can't get anyone better. Jack is to move in that night, and while packing tells Mr. Floppy they are going to Paris. He takes him to the basement at home and pretends they are in Paris. Mr. Floppy doesn't buy it, and chews Jack out. Jack plans to leave him in the basement, and says he will visit. The kids are thrilled that Jack is back because they won't have to go to his lice ridden apartment any more, and his credit cards will be closer. Before Jack can sleep in the bedroom (and with Jennie) again, he has to court her, and talk about his feelings. Jack opts to live in the basement with Mr. Floppy for the time being. -------------------------------------- 2) "ZIT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU" * Written By: Marcy Vosburgh * Director: Gerry Cohen * Barry: ANT * Amber: Dana Daurey * Angora: Shonda Whipple * Stoney: Jamie Kennedy * Dean Valentine: Scott Gurney * Japanese Kid: Momo Kimura * Preppie Guy: Dustin Voigt * Buzzcut Guy: Michael Dubrow Amber and Barry have the hots for Dean Valentine, a studly but stupid classmate. When Tiffany tries to bring him to their table by looking sexy, he walks right by. Analysis of the situation reveals that she has a zit. It is the happiest day of Ryan's school career. Jennifer tries to make her feel better by telling her to focus on the positive, but she is secretly amused. Tiffany weighs herself because it always makes her happy and discovers that she gained ten pounds. She proclaims herself to be a pimply fat girl, and that she is now forced to develop a personality. Meanwhile, Ross is still doing the Natural Born Killers thing. Ryan tells Jack that he set the scale ten pounds heavy, and he and Jack laugh at the women, because Jennie also things she gained weight. Jennie begins to jog around the house all the time. Tiffany discusses personalities with Maureen, who suggests the wacky heiress and the hooker with a heart of gold. Tiffany decides to try the intellectual tortured poetess dressed in black. At lunch the next day, Amber says that she hides her lack of personality with the proper accessories. After failing to have a non-shallow conversation with Amber and Barry, Tiffany does to sit at the looser table. Mr. Floppy tells Jack that Cher held back Sonny, and that Sonny's "wasting his life in Congress while he could be in Vegas." Jack tells Mr. Floppy to stop messing with Cher-- she was getting tattoos when Drew Barrymore was still in diapers. When Mr. Floppy sees Jack lie to Jennifer, he wonders what Jack lies to him about. Jack doesn't know what to do: he is upset that Tiffany thinks she is fat, but glad that Ryan finally has done something right with this joke and doesn't want to take that away from him just for the sake of Tiffany's health. Tiffany's exhausted from having a personality (it's more tiring than being skinny). Ryan is giddy knowing that the dumbest guy can hurt the smartest woman just by calling her fat. Jack makes Ryan fix the scale, telling him that lately he's been having entirely too much fun, which is poor preparation for real life. He tells Jennie and Tiffany that men are stupid because they only like beautiful girls, that if they are stupid enough to care what men like, than they deserve what they get. The women weigh themselves again and are excited that they lost the 10 pounds. Tiffany's zit went away. On the Internet, Jennifer is "Vicky Vixen", a nobel prize winning super-model. Ryan has this chick "Vicky Vixen" hot for him on the Internet. At the end, Tiffany calls Jennie "Vicky Vixen" and the guys look at eachother in puzzlement. -------------------------------------- 3) "THE RAT" * Written By: J. Stewart Burns * Director: Sam W. Orender Jennie won't watch sports on TV, won't let Jack eat in bed, won't let him have sex with her, and wants to talk about why they need to talk. Jack goes to the basement and says he'll only come back on his terms. Mr. Floppy is mad at Jack because he gives "her" his passion, but only comes to the basement to be with him to eat his greasy chips and talk about his emotions. Mr. Floppy wants him to say "it." Jack tells him that he loves him, but Mr. Floppy cringes and says he wanted to hear "I'm sorry for not spending enough time with you." Mr. Floppy says sees a monster in the basement, so Jack sings him a lullaby to calm him down: Hush little bunny, don't say a word, Daddy's gonna buy you a cookoo bird. And if tomorrow you still exist, Daddy's gonna see a psychiatrist. And if that shrink can't get the job done, Daddy's gonna end up in a tower with a gun. Floppy sees the monster again. It's a giant rat (you can see from the it's shadow that it is really big and snarly). Mr. Floppy and Jack run into the living room. He tells Ross that he's not a coward-- "If I was really a coward, would I have gone back for my bunny!" Jack sends the kids down to kill the rat, while he Jennie go to the pancake house. The kids kidnap the Goldstein's cat Precious, and send him into the basement. After a big ruckus they drag out the cat's bones. Jack tries to teach the kids strategy. Jack left Mr. Floppy at the pancake house. Ryan and Tiffany go into the basement with baseball bat's using Ross and the "amazing coat of many cheeses" as bait. Jenny talks to Maureen about getting a man to talk. Ross emerges with a mouse-trap on his nose. Jack tells Jennie that he's afraid of the rat, and wants to sleep in her bed. She won't let him unless we wants talk. Jack suffers through her drivel about estrogen, yeast, water retention, menstrual cycles, and lemon meringue pie, but when she turns on Yentle he leaves for the basement. The rat is now so fat that his feet don't touch the floor. The kids send car exhaust into the basement to kill the rat while Jack is down there. -------------------------------------- 4) "ROCKY IV" * Written By: David A. Caplan & Brian Lapan * Director: Sam W. Orender * Susan: Victoria Jackson * Vic: Diane Delano Jennie is upset because her neighbor Mrs. Susan Jackson made her clean up Jasper's doody off of her Lawn, so Jack tells her to talk to Susan and work it out. Meanwhile, Mr. Floppy wants Jack to get a beeper, and to bring him home a surprise from work every so often. Susan brings a list of issues to discuss when she meets with Jeannie: they steal avocados from her tree, and their sprinklers are wetting the lawn furniture and getting spots on her Vic's powder blue '64 1/2 Mustang convertible. The discussion breaks down, and Jennie and Susan arrange for Jack and Vic to fight it out on Thursday night. Jack doesn't mind too much, as life has been punching him for a long time, so he'll take a chance to punch someone else. Ryan reports that Vic is pretty big has a lot of Harley jackets and leather. When Jack is unable to block Ryan's punches, he becomes distraught, and Mr. Floppy suggests several strategies all involving kicking Vic in the groin. Thursday comes and Vic turns about to be Vicky. Jack is surprised, starts talking with Vic, and finds out they have a lot in common. Both are still ready to bust some heads, so they go to a bar to get in a fight. Susan comes over looking for Vic, and Jennie and her find they have lot in common, and run to Jennie's room to try on clothes. -------------------------------------- 5) "ROCK STAR" * Written By: Christina Lynch * Director: Gerry Cohen * Ray Paul Jones: Ian Patrick Williams * Motel Manager (Voice Only): Sandy Sprung While cleaning the attic, Jennifer finds her old Ray Paul Jones collectibles. She had a crush on him when she was a teenager. She's always dreamed of being his groupy, and even threw panties with her phone number at him. Ryan and Tiffany tell her that he is playing at the Bowl-A-Rama. She plans to attend as she hasn't missed a concert of his in LA in twenty years. Later, Ray Paul calls, and asks Jennie to be his date after the concert. Jenny asks Jack who he fantasizes about, and goes to the basement to discuss it with Mr. Floppy. They discard several options, including playmates because they are too interchangeable. Mr. Floppy suggests Drew Barrymore. When Jack says he doesn't like tattoos, Floppy gives a monologue directed towards her. Floppy and Jack conclude that it must be someone famous, beautiful and untouched, settling on Cindy Crawford (Richard Gere, hahahahaha). Jennie gives Jack permission to sleep with Cindy, adding that she should have celebrity fantasy too, and says he can have Cindy if she can have Ray Paul Jones. Jack doesn't care-- "It's just a fantasy right." Ryan sells Jennie's memorabilia for an electric guitar. Jack asks the kids to teach him about Cindy. Tiffany gives him a stack of magazines, but says that Cindy is 29, and is on her way out. Jacks ground her. Jack plans to comb the beach in Malibu so that he can look like a producer to get Cindy. Jenny goes to meet Ray Paul at his hotel room, but walks out on him because it isn't like she hoped it would be. Jack is arrested for stalking Cindy Crawford, after being beat-up by the Malibu stars (Tom Hanks hits him in the head with an oscar.) -------------------------------------- 6) "DRIVING ME CRAZY" * Written By: Kimbery Young Silver * Director: Gerry Cohen Tiffany gets her learner's permit, and Ryan and her want Jack to teach them how to drive. Jennie doesn't want them to drive, but Jack sees it as a right of passage, and freedom for himself. Mr. Floppy wants Jack to have pictures of him at work. Jack says he doesn't because he is afraid Jennie might come to the office and want to know why her picture isn't there, and not because he is afraid of having a picture of a stuffed bunny on his desk. Jack takes a bunch of model-like pictures of Floppy, and then takes pictures with Floppy. The kids see him doing this. Jenny is upset that he will teach the kids to drive, but he says he drives with asian senior citizens at the used car lot, so nothing scares him. Tiffany speeds, runs stop-signs and races trains. Ryan hits a cat and flashes back to when he is two and hit a cat with his tricycle. Jack comes home and gets wasted. Mr. Floppy ponders his existence if Jack dies. Over the next few days, Jack is permanently drunk because of driving with Tiffany and Ryan. Ryan says that Dave is the one who hit the cat, and that Dave is bad. The kids get Maureen to drive with them. Jack takes Jennie for a walk (it's been a long time since her face has been that blurry). Ryan covers Tiffany's eyes while she is driving and she runs down Jack and Jennifer. -------------------------------------- 7) "A TOUCH OF GLASS" * Written By: Mary Vosburgh * Director: Sam W. Orender * Pony Burger Attendant (V.O.) Jamie Kennedy It's Ross' 9th birthday and Jennie gets everyone up at 6am. Tiffany was having the best dream: she was in a bathtub full of money, then she was in a dark tunnel filled with money, then a thundering train filled with money, then a snake popped out of a tree and gave her money. Jennie gives Ross a stupid crayon heart just like he gives her every year. Jack gives Ross a lesson: "Life is a big zero." Then he gives him a crappy crayon card. Jennie buys herself a glass kitchen table; she waited until Ross was nine because of the sharp edges. Floppy wants an acting job. He has visions of Drew Barrymore and a bottle of boscoe. Floppy wants to turn the old kitchen table into a coffee table in order to turn the basement into a home. Jennie doesn't want anything to happen to the table, which she has named Sheila. Everyone gets kicked out of the house for dirtying the table. Maureen thinks that she has x-ray vision because she can see through the table. Jack and the kids got to Pony Burger for dinner, where Mr. Floppy haunts Jack at the drive through. Jack and the kids get together to smash the table, but trick Ryan in to doing it. -------------------------------------- 8) "A LINE IN THE SAND" * Written By: Arthur Silver * Director: Gerry Cohen * Patty: Elisabeth Harnois * Barry: ANT * Amber: Dana Daurey * J.J.: Dawn Landon * Football Player: Scott Matthew Bloom * Fantasy Girl #1: Donna D'Errico * Fantasy Girl #2: Kristen Williams Jack and Jennie have earned 40,000 frequent flier miles. Jenny wants to go to Hawaii, and Jack wants to go to Vegas. Jennie says she has the full vote because she earned the miles by using the credit card. Jack agrees to Hawaii because Jennifer will make him explain the rules to her if they go to Las Vegas. Ryan is in love with Patty Le Gurst, the cheapest stupidest girl in whole school. Patty hates Tiffany, and threatens her, then bumps into Ryan (which is the most he's gotten in 3 years of High school). Patty converted 3 of Barry's boyfriends. Tiffany and her entourage have a starring match with Patty and her entourage during lunch. Patty shoots a spitball at Tif. After following Ryan's advice that she stand up for herself, she taunts Patty, then they make a appointment to fight Friday at 3. Jack tells Mr. Floppy that he has vacation tickets. Floppy gets excited about going to Vegas, and has a dream sequence about showgirls. When Jack tells him they are going to Hawaii, Floppy has another dream sequence and monologue demonstrating that he is still in love with Drew Barrymore. Jack tells Mr. Floppy that he isn't going, but that since he is his alter-ego, he can't really go anywhere with out him, but that he can go without taking his bunny body. Tiffany's been hiding from Patty for 3 days. Ryan says fight her, or enter the protection of the lesbians ("They'll protect you too, they've been asking about you.") She asks Jennifer for advice, and Jennie suggests hitting Patty with a roll of nickels. Jack accuses Mr. Floppy of hiding the tickets. But Tiffany took them and went to Hawaii with Patty. -------------------------------------- 9) "MAKING THE GRADE" * Written By: J. Stewart Burns * Director: Gerry Cohen * Mr. Dunn: Allan Trautman * Miss Taylor: Jessica Hahn * Amber: Dana Daurey * Stoney: Jamie Kennedy * Mailman Pops: Richard Hoyt Miller * Physics Teacher: Tom Myers * French Teacher: Darcy Lee Ryan's report card comes, and he gets a DFDFDD. Jack and Jennie can't figure out how a used car salesman and a housewife can have an ordinary child. Jennie thinks it is a self-esteem problem, but Jack just thinks he's stupid. Ross does Ryan's homework, and is pissed that "they" are doing so poorly. Jack tells Jennie that Ross is a kid they can be proud of. Ross is pressuring Ryan hard, and Ryan is afraid that he might ground him. Jack doesn't want to punish Ryan, he says that society will do that for him. Jennie decides that she won't give Ryan the car keys until he gets a B. Jack and Mr. Floppy try to figure out how Ryan can be so stupid. Jack says that Tiffany is his, and she is smart. Floppy hints that Jack isn't her father and that he should get a blood test. Tiffany calls the mailman, who has been delivering their mail since just before Jennie got pregnant with Tiffany, Pops. He calls her the daughter he never had, and calls Jennie beautiful. Jack punches him, before he finds out that the mailman is gay. Tiffany tells Ryan that he must be able to get a B since Amber slept with the math teacher to get a B, and that even Stony got a B. Ryan's Civics teacher said he can get a B if he gets a B on his report on the person he admires most. One month later Ryan gives his report, which is on the mailman, who hasn't been giving them any mail in a month. He gets a B by causing Miss Taylor to become depressed over how little money she makes. In the end the car was repossessed, so Ryan is upset that he learned something for nothing. -------------------------------------- 10) "HONEY, I SCREWED UP THE KIDS FOR LIFE" * Written By: Christina Lynch * Director: Sam W. Orender * Barry: ANT * Amber: Dana Daurey * Mike: Will Dimpflmaier Tiffany, Amber, and Barry are infatuated with Mike (who does "that thing" with his hair, and only goes out with college girls and bored housewives). He asks Tiffany out for that evening. Jenny wants Jack to be romantic, and they plan to have a "special beautiful romantic evening." That afternoon when Jack bothers Tiffany and Mike in the living room, she wants to go to her room with Mike. Jack and Jennie say no, and kick Mike out. Tiffany becomes upset because they don't trust her, and calls Jack her "ex-daddy." Jack is upset that Tiff doesn't love her. Mr. Floppy thinks that Jack is bored with him, and says he would like to be a stuffed animal in a Playmate spread. Jack and Jenny get together, but the kids keep walking in on them kissing. Tiffany gets Jack to say that he trusts her and that he never said she couldn't have boy in her room. Tiffany says that Mike will be over later. Ryan has Jack to forbid him to have a girl in his room so that it won't be his fault that he doesn't have girls in his room. In order to make sure that Tiffany controls herself, she shows her the "culmination of love:" a video of the birth of Ryan. Later, when Mike knocks on the door, Tiffany is curled fetal on the couch chanting "Boy bad, no touch. Ryan's head, no touch." While Jennie waits for Jack in the bedroom, Jack in the basement chanting "Girl bad, no touch. Ryan's head, eeehh." -------------------------------------- 11) "THE WHIZ KID" * Written By: Marcy Vosburgh * Directed By: Gerry Cohen * Chipper Colling: Kevin Scannell * Coach: Jeff Doucette * Barry: ANT * Amber: Dana Daurey * Beauregard Scott: Benjamin Scott Shelfer * Patty: Elisabeth Harnois * Nerd Boy: Michael Warwick Amber and Barry swoon over Beauregard Scott at lunch. They are surprised that he wants to talk to Ryan, not Tiffany, when he comes to their table at lunch. It turns out that Ryan took his football urine test for him, and that Beauregard is going to have some football team members say hi to him in public. The coach wants Ryan to pee for the entire team, and give him a letter jacket, which causes all the girls to instantly go after him, including Amber and Barry. Tiffany has the highest SAT scores in school, but at home is overshadowed by Ryan being on the football team. Ross is forced to go to her debate while everyone else goes to a football game. Jack and Jennie are very excited by Ryan being on the team, and they say he's their favorite kid. An Ivy League recruiter comes for Ryan, who is now called "The Whiz Kid." Apparently the Fighting Irish are also courting him, but Ryan says he doesn't want to leave the country. Meanwhile, Tiffany is desperate for attention. She's a national merit scholar, but no one cares, while the whole school cheers for Ryan at games. While searching Ryan's room, Jennie finds bottles of urine under his desk. Jack says so he's saving his urine, that's no big deal. Jennie tells him that he is naming it: Jim, Bob, Emil. Ryan now walks around wearing a hat with 6 water bottles on it, and Amber follows him around. Jack tells him to stop hoarding his waste. Ryan replies, not to worry, that he is bringing it to school tomorrow. Jack says as long as he still likes girls everything is fine. Tiffany tells Ryan that he should be in the game for just one play, so that he has some memories of football; "Remember that jacket of yours has a football on it, not a little plastic cup." Ryan tells the coach that if doesn't get a play, then he's quitting. "You can't go out there, this is high school football, half those kids are hopped up on steroids." Beauregard Scott tells the coach to "let him play, he's more than just a pair of kidneys." The other team mauls him, and now that he has bloody urine no one wants him anymore. He is replace by the skinny math geek. Ryan comes back for baseball season. At his one at-bat, they pitcher throws a ball into his kidney. -------------------------------------- 12) "HOT WHEELS" * Written By: Christina Lynch * Director: Gerry Cohen * The Devil: Gary Coleman * Insurance Guy: Edmund Shaff * Valet: Derek Sellers Ryan and Tiffany are going to a college party (Ryan was invited so that he would bring Tiffany). They plan to take the car, but Jack won't let them use it because they change the radio pre-sets. Mr. Floppy gives Jack the Alanis Morrisette Christmas album ("Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, he left me at christmas, he tore my heart out, it's not fair, no man deserves to live, wait 'til my next boyfriend, I'll crush him, on a one horse open sleigh.") When Ryan and Tiffany take the car anyway, Jack takes the car back from the party and parks it around the corner. The next morning Jack and Jennie pretend that the car was stolen in order to punish the kids. Jack discovers the car was really stolen during the night. The laughing Hyena insurance company representative comes to settle claim. Ryan has a day dream about Hell where Gary Coleman is the devil, and tells Ryan about the good old days of Diff'rent Strokes. Ryan confesses to taking the car, causing the insurance agents to initiate a fraud investigation. They ground Ryan for two weeks with no TV except for Diff'rent Strokes, Jack says "It's a nice show." -------------------------------------- 13) "PICNIC OF PAIN AND PERIL" * Written By: Marcy Vosburgh * Director: Gerry Cohen * Righty: Frank Lloyd * Jim: Craig Kvinsland * Bullhorn Voice: Benjamin Scott Shelfer Jennifer forces Jack to see Le Pique-Nique avec la Famile with her. Jack hated it so much that he cried. Jenny wants to have a family picnic just like in the movie, and wants to take a family picture in front of the sunset afterwards in order for the family to bond. Jack doesn't want to go, but Jennie says either he goes or she wants another kid. Maureen is upset that she isn't invited on the picnic, but when she is finally invited she doesn't want to go. Jack wants Mr. Floppy to come to the picnic so that he can have someone to talk to. Floppy wants him to stay home with him and watch Melrose Place. Floppy rants that women like Glenn Close and Meryl Streep have ruined the men in this country, and how coffee houses are replacing bars. Then they discuss the lack of beautiful women in the America, except for Sharon "peek-a-boo" Stone. Maureen is pleased that Jennie got Jack to go on the pic-nic with her. Both are happy that there aren't any real men anymore. On the picnic, Jenny falls in a gopher hole and hurts her neck, then tries to feed nuts to a gopher and gets attacked by it. Jennie wants to weave flowers into Tiffany's hair while they talk, but accidently puts poison ivy into her hair. Ryan gets poison ivy from Tiff. Ross gets bitten by the gopher while trying to catch it and becomes rapid. Jack falls down a drainage ditch. The whole family gets sprayed with "non-harmful" pesticide gas at the end. Meanwhile, Maureen plays strip poker with young built guys. The episode ends with the message: "I guess what we're trying to say is never go to a foreign movie." -------------------------------------- 14) "METER MAID" * Written By: J. Stewart Burns * Directed By: Sam W. Orender * Meter Maid: Judy Kain * Policeman: Eric Menyuk * Guard: Murray Rubinstein * Spike: Don Gibb * Murderer: Gunther Jensen * Rico: Frank Lloyd Jack and Ryan break the vase that contains Jennie's grandfather's ashes. Jack takes Ryan shopping for clothes because Jennie doesn't want to do the laundry. Ryan gets oversized "gangster" pants and they keep falling down. Jennie and Tiffany go shopping together, and Tif is embarrassed beyond belief. Jennie gets a ticket because the meter expires while they are just leaving. After trading insults, Jennie punches the meter maid. The Meter Maid drags a cop to the house to arrest Jennie, but Jennie has the family pray when they arrive, so they leave. They come back when they find that the car has 147 parking tickets (of Jennie's) and they haul off Jack. To make room for Jack in the jail, they release a murderer. When the family visits Jack, no whistles are Tiffany, but Ryan gets a lot of attention. Ross brings Jack Mr. Floppy for protection. Jennie won't bail out Jack because she is taking a stand on principle, and gives a rant about the loss of freedom in America ("I remember a time when there were no parking meters...") and starts a riot. The inmates blame it on Jack, and the cops beat him. Mr. Floppy tells Jack that the cops violated him: first they threw him in front of a drug sniffing dog who slobbered all over him and then they felt him up. ("They said they were looking for files; there's no hole for a a file, but there is now. I used to be a stuffed animal, but now I'm a hand puppet!") When they stick a cannibal in the cell with Jack, he starts talking to Mr. Floppy, because he said he would protect Jack. Mr. Floppy doesn't do anything, but the cannibal thinks that Jack is fruit loops and Jack makes him his slave. At home, the women are unable to take the tops off of jars, and no one has taken out the trash for a few days. Without Jack there, they are all turning on each other. After Ryan clogs the toilet, they decide it is time to get Jack out of jail. Jennie turns to Maureen for the $10,000 she needs for bail. ("$10,000? I thought you were talking about real money!" she says.) When they come for Jack, he has Spike polishing his shoes, and cleaning the toilet with his hair. Maureen bails out everyone because she is attracted to them, but then runs out of money when she comes to Jack. Mr. Floppy says that being locked up here is better than being free in India, and that Jack shouldn't worry because he smuggled in a kazoo. -------------------------------------- 15) "IN THE STARS" * Written By: Marcy Vosburgh & Sandy Sprung * Directed By: Sam W. Orender * Patty: Elisabeth Harnois (Student) * Barry: ANT * Amber: Dana Daurey * Chloe: Mila Kunis * Cute Girl: Samantha Becker * Riki Rachtman: Riki Rachtman (Voice Only) * Chelsea: Shonda Whipple (Student *Ryan gets her*) Jennie and Tiff each get copies of American, British, and French Vogue and Town and Country. Jennie says Town and Country has the most accurate horoscopes. Jack is Leo, and it says that on the 2nd he will encounter a celebrity. Jack comes home and says that he met Erik Estrada, who wanted credit on a AMC Pacer just because Jack sold one to the guy who wasn't a Ponch. Jennie's horoscope: "Do unto others, unselfishly expecting nothing in return, and you will be rewarded." Tiffany tells Jennie that horoscopes are for losers, and Ryan instantly wants to know his, but Jennie doesn't know his sign. Ryan's horoscope: "Attention virgo: this is your big chance, you haven't had much success with the opposite sex in the past. But That's all about to change. Between the first and seventh, all the planets are aligned for love, and you will have dreams come true with a taurus. Take advantage virgo, it's now or never." Jennie is now running round looking for nice things to do. Jennie washes Mr. Floppy, and he comes out of the drier with an afro. ("I hope this isn't the episode that Drew Barrymore is watching.") Mr. Floppy is upset about his looks, and wants Jack to get him properly coiffed at a salon. Ryan plans to hit on all taurus girls at school. He practices on Tiffany: "I'll give you money if you let me touch you." She tells him to try that when he is forty, and that right now it is classier to offer yogurt. Tif finds an 8 year old for him to practice with, who says he is a dork. Ross walks in with a snake around his neck and steals the girl ("Hey baby, your cooler than the Olsen twins put together, wanna play with my snake?") Ryan brings Ross to school to couch him, and tries out the above line and gets slapped. ("You idiot, you need a snake to make that work!") Ryan wishes he had sex already so that he would know if it worth all the trouble. Amber says usually not, but the yogurt's good. Ryan kisses a girl at lunch and gets Mono Nucleosis. Jennie has been doing good deeds for Maureen all week, and she still hasn't gotten her reward. Jack takes Mr. Floppy to the saloon, and Mr. Floppy feels pretty now. Wants someone to call Drew right now because he will never look better. Mr. Floppy wants more now that he has tasted the good life. Wants to do a buddy movie with Nick Nolte where they are both after Drew Barrymore, but Mr. Floppy gets her because she thinks that Nick is too drunk, too fat, and too hairy. Jennie is mad at her horoscope and says she will now only believe in things that are scientifically proven. Things like tea leaves, the occasional palm reading, wishing wells, fortune cookies, and wishbones. She starts using a magic nine ball, but keeps destroying them when they don't give her the answer she wants. She goes to torture "good old solid as a rock Jack" in the basement, and sees him calling Mr. Floppy the cutest and the floppiest, and the one who makes daddy so happy. She boards him into the basement chanting "Who is the craziest, who is the never gonna touch me again." "Seven loveless days later, Ryan is still unsuccessfully cruising for chicks. If you believe in the stars he's seventeen minutes away from being a 'Virgo' forever." Ryan is in the family car out of gas feeling sorry for himself. He turns on the radio to find Riki Rachtman hosting "rank Ryan Malloy night." Ryan calls in pretending to be satisfied girl, and Riki tells him to seek help. Chelsea, a pretty blonde comes over to ask Ryan for a ride home, because her boyfriend kicked her out of the car for asking for the yogurt up front. She says she feels like such a loser, Ryan says she'll get used to it. She comes on to him because he is sweet, and starts kissing him. Ryan hopes that it isn't like The Crying Game. As they continue making out, he asks her if she is a taurus, but she is a capricorn. As the show ends, the camera shows that the car Ryan is in is a Ford Taurus. During closing credits Jack is on his couch telling Mr. Floppy how cute he is, and kissing and bouncing him. Bobcat comes down the stairs and shakes his head. -------------------------------------- 16) "MR. NO" * Written By: Christina Lynch * Directed By: Linda Day * Danny: John Patrick White * Host: Bobcat Goldthwait * Barry: ANT * Amber: Dana Daurey * Abbie: Priscilla Maye The Valentine's Day dance is coming, and all the guys want to take Tiffany. Tiffany becomes upset when a guy, Danny, ignores her. She decides there must be something special about him if he ignores her. Ryan is going with Miss O'Hara, his divorced, 40 year-old chemistry teacher. He asked her as a freshman, and she said that if he makes it to senior year without flunking she would go with him. Tiffany talks to Danny, but he doesn't know who she is, even though she sits in front of him in History. She thinks she is in love. Jack is under investigation by the Post Master for sending obscene mail to Pamela Anderson. He asks Mr. Floppy about it, and learns that Mr. Floppy sent her a little note for Valentine's Day on Jack's Stationary: "Dear Pamela, Oh yee of the Baywatch Big 'Uns. I'd like to put my furry little face between your golden mounds and live there forever in happiness and tranquility. Tweek, Tweek, Honk, Honk, love Floppy." Maureen is on a local talk show Wally on Everything for the topic "Women who live with their daughters, who hate them." Jennie calls the show to defend herself. Jennie is very excited to find out that there is a boy who isn't interested in Tiffany. When Ryan insists on taking Ms. O'Hara to the dance, she blows herself up. Tif tries to force Danny to take her to the dance, but he just says he will call her. Mr. Floppy is producing another card for Pamela, this time with newspaper letters under the name Jake Malloy. Jack gets Mr. Floppy an inflatable Pamela. Tiffany paces the living room waiting to be called, and Jennie loves every moment of it. Danny eventually shows up to take Tiffany to the dance. Ross tells Danny that he shouldn't break Tiffany's heart because "he drinks and has a gun." Danny reveals that he pretended not to like Tif because he knew he would be guaranteed her attention. Now that he is just like every one else, she isn't interested. Tif tells Ryan that he really deserves a great date, and that he should take the most beautiful girl in the school to the dance, and they go together. Jennie thinks that Mr. Floppy's latest card to Pamela, which reads "To my dearest Pamela, Roses are red, violets are blue. I know where you live, and I'm coming after you," is for her, and is touched that Jack compares her to Pamela Anderson. -------------------------------------- 17) "THE AGONY OF VICTORY" * Written By: Arthur Silver * Directed By: Gerry Cohen * Little Ryan: Tommy Bertelsen Jack always wins (he is 2000 and 0) when he plays basketball against Ryan by cheating, and using his height advantage to charge. Jennie tells Jack that part of being a good parent is letting Ryan win. Ross has the part of Abe Lincoln in the school play. Jack asks Mr. Floppy if he should let Ryan win, which sets Mr. Floppy off about how America has lost it's killer instinct. He says that we haven't destroyed a real country in years. He is upset that the "Miss America" contest is being destroyed by those who value talent over the swimsuit competition, and that America can't compete against Brazil, which values good hooters and a tight butt over talent, in the "Miss Universe" contest. "One day real Americans will wake up from their drunken stuper, realize that we have a fat, ugly Miss America, and say 'What the hell happened here?' And on that day we'll grab our guns, swig one more beer, and kill and kill and kill until this is the great country it once was." A flashback of Jack's memories shows him playing basketball with Ryan throughout the years, and he always cheats and uses his height advantage. Ryan's memories show Jack as a big green dragon. Jack watches Ryan practice and is scared that he is going to lose soon. After win 2001 Jack is sore. Mr. Floppy is chanting a Mantra to attract Drew Barrymore. Mr. Floppy says Jack should fake a bunch Ryan in the groin whenever he starts to take a shot. He also suggests that Jack fake an injury and retire from basketball to maintain his undefeated record. Ryan shames Jack into playing him one more time. Not cheating, Jack is loosing 2 to 6, so he starts to cheat. Tied 10-10, Jack wins once more by backing Ryan in and exploiting his height advantage. Jack tells Mr. Floppy that he can really drive a guy nuts, and they share a good laugh. Jack sees the beginning of a new era in Ross, until Ross sinks a free throw. -------------------------------------- 18) "ALL ABOUT JENNIE" * Written By: Gabrielle Topping * Directed By: Gerry Cohen * Barry: ANT * Amber: Dana Daurey * Beau: Benjamin Shelfer * Lizard Agent: Gregory Polcyn Jennie visits Tiffany during school lunch. Maureen comes looking for Jennie so that she can find her enema bag. Jennie came to tell Tiffany to try out for Juliet in the school play. Jennie tried out when she was high school but lost to Charlene Tilton. Tiffany agrees to do it when Jennie threatens to tell everyone that she isn't the maid. Jennie tells Ryan not to tell anyone that she is her mother. Mr. Floppy is learning French from tapes. Jack gets him a Burbie Doll, which causes a problem because Mr. Floppy once dated her, but dumped her when she wanted to be his steady. He grovels to Burbie to take him back. Tiffany gets the part of Juliet, and now Jennie wants to make her the Juliet that she could have been. Ryan gets the role of saying "Please take your seats now." Ryan and Jack try and figure out how to properly say the line, while Jennie and Tif rehearse together. Jack sends Burbie to Bosnia just as Mr. Floppy and Burbie were getting together, saving Mr. Floppy from Marriage. Jennie wants Tif to get a TV series. Minutes before opening night, Ryan is still trying to figure out how to say his line. "Take Your Please Now Seats" begins a string of screw-ups by Jack and Ryan before Ross saves them. A hollywood agent is in the audience. He has a lizard head and took 10% of Maureen's popcorn, doing nothing for her in return. In the middle of the play, Jennie locks Tiffany backstage to steal her glory and proceeds to kill the play. Jennie gets a bad review, while the Malloy men get a good review for their "satirical" opening. Closes with "Meanwhile, back at Shakespeare's grave...," which shows the ground swelling as he turns... -------------------------------------- 19) "JACK WRITES GOOD" * Written By: Matt Leavitt * Directed By: Gerry Cohen * Pierre: Kent Irwin * Michelle: Diane Farr * Mr. Pillow: Allan Trautman When the credit card is maxed out, Tiffany is heart-broken because she realizes they are middle class. Jack almost sold a car but didn't want to do the paperwork because it was right before closing. Mr. Floppy is writing a book about the adventures of a stuffed rabbit in the toy bin and his loser alter ego Jacque. Jennie wants Jack to take a second job, but then wants him to quit his job and write full time after she sends the first chapter to a publisher. Jack keeps bothering Mr. Floppy as he writes. Mr. Floppy can't wait to make the book into a movie, and says there is a part for Drew Barrymore. Jack reads the finished book and says it is a work of "Sick, Dark, Twisted, Boozed out little mind." He wants to change it because the publishers are expecting a children's book. Mr. Floppy won't prostitute his work, and stops existing, forcing Jack to rewrite the book himself. Jennie has a job at Weenie Stick at the mall with three 12 year olds. When she needs comforting, the couch pillow talks to her. Ryan wonders what inanimate object he'll talk to when he gets a job. Tiffany says she'll talk to a mirror, and Ryan decides on his shoes. Ross says he'll talk to his family and friends, causing Tiffany and Ryan to point and chant "Normal, Normal." Ryan walks in on Jack-- "You should know by now that when you hear me going 'Wheee, Wheee,' it means I'm playing with my bunny." The publisher hates Jack's revised book: "That was a very nice try little boy, but just because books are written for children, doesn't mean that they are written by children." Floppy's book Life in the Toy Bin is a big success among snotty Parisians 30 years later. They can't believe that Floppy was an American. Jack is there and says he knew "The Floppy." The kids are still watching "The Golden Friends." Mr. Floppy is now painting in Paris and Jack is pretending to be a blind vagrant. "Kids the lesson here is don't sell out, unless it's for TV." -------------------------------------- 20) "GIRLS WHO WEAR GLASSES" * Written By: Christina Lynch * Directed By: Gerry Cohen * Ms. Blake: Jack*e Harry * Mrs. Finkelstein: Marcia Wilkie * Agnes: J. Robin Miller * Barry: ANT * Amber: Dana Daurey * Beau: Benjamin Shelfer * Sushi: Aquilina Soriano Ryan talks to the guidance counselor, Ms. Blake, about his future. She suggests the careers of garbage man and lab rat. Amber and Barry say that she suggested to both of them party tramp. Tiffany is accepted to Super Achievers, a program for gifted girls to encourage them to enter careers in math and science. Ryan starts testing things for people: bad milk, gas leaks, and comes home green. Jennie and Jack start fighting over who is responsible for Tiffany's smarts. Tiffany feels inadequate in the new class, where the rest of the girls are uptight geeky over achievers ("I used to be the smart girl, now I'm just the most beautiful. It's not enough"). After a game of Scrabble where Jennie uses the word ass, Jack and Jennie keep making butt puns. Tiffany is beginning to think that maybe she is just mediocre. Ryan tells her that being mediocre is an important job: "What good is a parade without a crowd to watch it? Join me, won't you, in staring senselessly into space." When she asks him what to do, he says, "I'm finally used to being nothing, and I don't a novice hanging around sneaking thoughts into my head." Mr. Floppy wants to know what happened to them. Jack was getting divorced, and they had a nice little place just for them. Those were the best 13 weeks of their life, he says. Mr. Floppy sings the original theme song, while Jack plays air guitar on the rake. Jack and Jennie ask Maureen who is smarter. She poses the question: "You are a network executive, you have a show that is doing alright, but it could be doing better. What would you do to goose up the ratings?" Jack: "I know, that's easy. You simply dress the teenage daughter in skimpy outfits and have her dance around the house." Jennie: "ThatŐs too obvious. You give the writers complete artistic freedom, and you pick it up year after year, no matter what." Maureen says Jennie's answer isn't realistic, and that if they had really been smart they would have said "stunt casting." The doorbell rings and Jack*e Harry from Sister, Sister comes in, and says that she has the Wayans brothers in the car. Tif decides to study her butt off. The teacher says her answers are still a little simplistic. Then she spills coffee on herself, and asks if anyone knows ho to get the stain out. Tiffany answers and the class gives her a hard time for knowing. Tiffany says that she is "an American girl," and launches into a rant about how there is more to being a woman than just a beautiful brain. "If we are to put a knife in a man's back, we must first be attractive enough to get behind him." "While you're in here getting your PhD's, I'll be out there getting my CEO." Tiffany leaves the class, which subsequently falls apart because all the girls went about and got dates and lives. Agnes is sleeping with a marine and a biker, and she is pregnant. Tiffany is annoyed that they misinterpreted her, but is glad that Agnes is going to be "17 with five kids living in a trailer park" because she made fun of her. -------------------------------------- 21) "LEAVING VAN NUYS" * Written By: Bobcat Goldthwait & Allan Trautman * Directed By: Linda Day * Barry: ANT * Amber: Dana Daurey It's summer break, the kids are home from school, and Jennie wants them to go to camp, prison, or to join a cult. Tiffany says they are in school five hours a day, four and a half days a week, seven months a year, so they are on the edge ready to explode. Jack switches to the night shift so that he doesn't have to see the kids at home. Ryan announces he just finished his senior year, so he is home for good. Jack gets Ryan a job at the used car lot. To keep the kids from coming to the basement over the summer, Jack forces Ross to tell a joke to Mr. Floppy. Mr. Floppy says that summer is mating time for bunnies, and that He wants Jack leave him in a Nieman Marcus dressing room. He warns Drew Barrymore that he is ovulating. Ryan gets fired on his first day because he turned back the odometers too far to 99,000 miles. He has until tomorrow to get a new job or he is out of the house. All he wants to do is drink beer, chase girls, and hang around all day. Tiffany says that he means college, and suggests Cheese Burger community college. Jennie is wandering around the house in a bathrobe and ranting. Her evening beer is in the bathrobe pocket, and when questioned about drinking her "right now beer" warm, she says "This isn't about flavor, it's about coping." Mr. Floppy and Jack, who is also drinking his way through the summer, are making a list of people that they want to see roasted on a spit with an apple in their mouth, which includes Susan Powder, Holly Hunter, Meryl Streep, Barbara Streisand, Jennie, "Down Town" Julie Brown. Jennie comes to the basement to steal some of Jacks's beer. Jack falls a sleep, and Jennie tries to talk to him. Jennie starts talking to Mr. Floppy, but thinks he is Jack. Mr. Floppy tells the audience: "Confused? Don't be. What's happening here, is I'm Jack's alter-ego. And because his ego seems to be elsewhere, I'll take over. And you if you're wondering why she thinks the voice is coming from the bunny, perhaps you're taking your TV too seriously." Mr. Floppy starts bossing her around and tells her to dance on the table. It turns on Jennie, and she starts making out with him. Lots of imagery: rockets taking off, rams butting, fireworks, etc. Ryan gets rejected from Cheese Burger Community College because he cried when the clown popped up during testing. He gets a letter saying that he failed all his classes and he must repeat his senior year, and is excited because it means he isn't an adult yet. Jennie is singing cabaret tunes in the basement, where a trapeze is hanging from the ceiling. Jack is excited because Jennie says that he was great. Jennie wants to know where Jack learned to do those things, and accuses him of sleeping with her friend Marilyn and then jumps Jack for more. Mr. Floppy comments, "Boy is she in for a disappointment." -------------------------------------- 22) "GETTING MORE THAN SOME" * Written By: J. Stewart Burns * Directed By: Linda Day * Crystal: Linda Malkiewicz * Barry: ANT * Amanda: Samantha Leavitt * Joey: Matthew Z. Cox * Steve Courage, Stuntman: Bobcat Goldthwait It's Friday night and Tiffany is going to 15 parties, and then to the beach to watch the sea turtles hatch. Ross is going to a party, and then to the beach to put sugar in the gas tanks of the idiots watching the sea turtles hatch ("Dumb tree huggers are interrupting the birth cycle"). Ryan wants to go to the parties, but Tiffany won't let him. Ryan has become very domestic, and is cleaning the kitchen and garage. Jack tells him to go meet girls, and that just because he wasn't invited, doesn't mean he can't go to parties. He gives him keys and money, and tells him to go pick up a drunk girl at a party he crashes. Ryan returns on Sunday morning, is rude to Jennie and doesn't want to do the dishes. Jennie interprets this to mean that Ryan was "with a woman." Jack is so proud, "My son is gettin' some and my daughters a virgin. I'm the happiest guy in the world." Jack married the first woman he slept with, then did it with three others. He knew Jennie was pregnant, but he didn't know he was getting married. Mr. Floppy has been married six times: five times to dolls, and once, when he was really drunk, to the shoe in the monopoly game. He tells Jack that he really could have been happy with the shoe, and then when Jack presses him on it, "You actually think I would marry a shoe, you're not funny insane anymore, you're just nuts." He kicks Jack out of the basement, and starts nuzzling a shoe. Tiffany says one of her patent leather pumps is missing. All eyes turn to Ross, who says "it" was just a faze and he is past it now. A week later, Ryan brings home Crystal, who is about thirty, to meet the family. She says they are getting married and moving in. She has two kids that are about Ross's age. Jennie faints for 4 commercials and a promo for Savannah. Ross tells Ryan that he screwed up, and to run. Jennie wants to get rid of Crystal because Ryan is going to ruin an already dull life. Jack tells her, "I told you before, no more killing." She wants Jack to go to the basement, talk to his bunny and not to come back until he has a plan. Jack says it won't work because he is in one of his moods and only plays mind games on him. Ryan says that he doesn't want to get married, and that he wants Jennie to tell Crystal to go away. Jack finds Mr. Floppy with Tiffany's shoe. Maureen has to move into the basement because Ryan and Crystal are moving into her room. Floppy says he can talk in her presence because she has no concept of reality. Maureen sits on him just when he is about to tell Jack what to do. Maureen tells Jack to get rid of Crystal, and that the pipes are snotty. Maureen can hear Mr. Floppy's cries of pain. Jack gives Ryan a script to read to break up with Crystal, that is clearly from his own youth. Mr. Floppy is flattened out, stuck to Maureen's butt. Ryan tells Crystal that before he gets married there is someone he would like her to meet. He introduces Barry as his lover, and Crystal runs from the house. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] -= CAST & CREDITS =- Unhappily Ever After is produced by Touchstone Television. Cast ---- * Jack Malloy: Geoff Pierson * Jennifer Malloy: Stephanie Hodge * Maureen Slatery: Joyce Van Patten * Mr. Floppy's Voice: Bobcat Goldthwait * Mr. Floppy's Puppeteer: Allan Trautman * Ross Malloy: Justin Berfield * Ryan Malloy: Kevin Connolly * Tiffany Malloy: Nikki Cox Season 1 Credits ---------------- * Supervising Producers: David A. Caplan & Brian Lapan * Co-executive Producers: Marcy Vosburgh & Sandy Sprung * Executive Producers: Ron Leavitt & Arthur Silver * Produced by: Harriette Regan * Creators: Ron Leavitt & Arthur Silver * Program Consultants: J. Stewart Burns & Christina Lynch * Associate Producer: Cathy Rosenstein * Director of Photography: Mark Levin * Art Director: Richard Improta * Edited by: Larry Harris * Associate Director: Selig Frank * Stage Managers: Salvatore Baldomar, Jr & John J. Hill * Casting by: Tammara Billik C.S.A & Justine Jacoby C.S.A. * Theme Music: Jonathan Wolff * Set Director: Larry Wiemer * Property Master: Bobby Cardenas * Script Supervisor: Janet Kagan * Property Coordinator: Carmen Herrera * Costume Supervisor: Peter Flaherty * Costumers: Maryann Bozek, Liza Stewart * Hair: Dottie McQuown, Michelle Payne, Cynthia P. Romo, Barry Rosenberg * Make Up: Patty Bunch, Diane Shatz * Technica Director: John Pritchett, Ken Tamburri * Audio: Christopher Banninger, Richard Masci * Video: Eric Clay, John Palacio, Jr. * Producer's Assisstants: Liz Jaworski, Lisa Lang, Beth Sherman, Antoinette Stella * Animals: Critters of the Cinema * Theme Lyrics: A Couch of Writers * Theme Performed By: Bobcat Goldthwait Season 2 Credits ---------------- * Co-executive Producers: David A. Caplan & Brian Lapan * Executive Producers: Marcy Vosburgh & Sandy Sprung * Executive Producers: Ron Leavitt & Arthur Silver * Produced by: Harriette Regan * Creators: Ron Leavitt & Arthur Silver * Story Editors: J. Stewart Burns & Christina Lynch * Associate Producer: Cathy Rosenstein * Director of Photography: Mark Levin * Art Director: Richard Improta * Edited by: Roger Ames Berger, Leland Gray, Larry Harris * Associate Director: Selig Frank, Salvatore Baldomar, Jr. * Stage Managers: Salvatore Baldomar, Jr., John J. Hill, Tom Ohliger * Casting by: Tammara Billik C.S.A, Justine Jacoby, C.S.A. * Theme Music: Jonathan Wolff * Set Director: Larry Wiemer * Property Master: Bobby Cardenas * Script Supervisor: Pamela Cantori * Property Coordinator: Carmen Herrera * Key Costumer: Christy Ito-Waller * Costumers: T. Baxter, Claudia Wick * Hair: Lana Heying, Terry Robbins, Michael White * Make Up: Eryn Krueger, Tania McComas * Technica Director: Chuck Abate * Audio: Toby Foster * Video: Victor Bagdadi * Producer's Assisstants: Liz Jaworski, Lisa Lang, Beth Sherman, Antoinette Stella * Animals: Critters of the Cinema [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] This file is an adaption of the "Unhappily Ever After" web site that I run. <"http://www.contrib.andrew.cmu.edu/~aaron2/wb/unhappily/unhappily.html">. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------]