Words: Bridget Spitznagel, Eli Brandt, Corey Kosak

Music: Jolene, Dolly Parton

Warning: Tasteless.

  Olean, Olean, Olean, Olean
  I'm begging you, leave my sphincter shut
  Olean, Olean, Olean, Olean
  Please don't go and lubricate my gut

You're found in products everywhere, with fatty taste beyond compare;
Of mouth-feel, so enticing, you're the queen!
Each cake is tasty, but so brief; each chip is crisp as autumn leaf,
And I cannot just eat a few, Olean..

You wake me up when I'm asleep; there's nothing I can do to keep
From oozing when I've had too much Olean
And I can easily see now too how you can easily flow right through
But you don't know what that means to me Olean


Well you're in every kind of snack, but I could never turn my back
You're the only fat for me Olean
I have to have this talk with you, my skinniness depends on you
Whatever you decide to do Olean


Disclaimer: This parody was inspired by the initially reported side effects of the FDA-approved fat substitute Olestra, marketed as Olean. Olestra and Olean are trademarks of Procter and Gamble.

Background: The fat substitute is intended to pass through the body undigested, which caused some folks to wonder what would happen if one ate a lot of it: like a friend who absent-mindedly ate most of a box of Grape-Nuts in one sitting.

The parody was Corey's idea. He happened to have the original, and played it for us afterward so we could be properly dismayed (I hadn't heard it before, so I certainly was.)

If you liked this song, you may also enjoy the Olestra Haiku Page. If you didn't, well, I warned you.

Legal frufru: Lyrics © 1996, Bridget Spitznagel, Eli Brandt, Corey Kosak. Permission granted for private noncommercial use and reproduction of these lyrics, provided that this copyright notice remains intact. Other uses are negotiable.

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Bridget Spitznagel
Last modified: Tue Nov 11 19:22:43 EST 1997