USS PHOENIX: From the Ridiculous to the Sublime
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Author: Judi Marko
Email: lexia@crl.com
Date: 1998/01/12
SD 100111:1557
Bari and Bella hurried to where Hunter was being interrogated --
imprisoned? -- by the Latician androids, the mermaid explaining her idea to
the Counselor en route. Just before they entered the room, Bari's eyes
took on a vacant expression and her lips formed a plastic smile.
"Lieutenants, get out of here now," Hunter ordered.
"I am sorry, Sir. I am not programmed to respond in that area." She
turned to face the three Norman units. "I have brought you another one.
She is willing."
"Liu, Navegar, you are talking treason." Hunter was livid. "I will see
you both court-martialed and sentenced to more years in a Rura Pente prison
than either of you want to count."
He was just starting to expand upon the quality of life they could expect
while incarcerated when the door burst open and two Alice units burst in.
"She is NOT one of us," Alice 430 said with a finger pointed straight at
Bari. "She disabled her unit and is trying to trick you."
"But I WANT to be one of you," Bari cried out as two Arnold units
approached her. "I want an android body and a Harrison unit of my own."
"So do I," Bella shouted. "But, make mine a Jeremy unit."
The expression on Hunter's face made it clear that both women would be
nothing more than phaser residue at first opportunity. He took a step in
their direction, but was stopped by six more of the Arnold units.
"We want to help you," Bari continued. "To control Terrans, you must
understand their history. We will tell you."
The Norman units gathered for a brief conference. "That is logical. We
seem to lack sufficient data on the subjects. You may proceed."
"It all started with Adam and Eve," Bari began. "They were created from
an apple tree. Then Moses saved the Hebrew slaves from Pharaoh. He took
them to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread made
without ingredients."
"Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history," Bella contributed. "The
Greeks had myths. A myth is a female moth. Socrates was a famous Greek
teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him."
"Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock," Bari agreed.
The Norman units were paying attention, but the Arnolds and the Alices
began to blink furiously.
"In the Middle Ages, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery," Bari
explained next. "Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw and the Magna
Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense."
"Oh, let me tell about the Renaissance, Bari! During the Renaissance,
Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal
indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It
wan an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the
Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes."
"Oh yes, and another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the word with a 100-foot clipper."
Hunter had the idea by now and he was working hard to keep his expression
grim.
"The Renaissance was a time of great literature on Earth. The greatest
writer was William Shakespeare who lived at Windsor with his merry wives
and wrote tragedies, comedies and errors. Romeo and Juliet is an example
of a heroic couplet."
"Oh, I don't know if Shakespeare was the greatest, Bari. Don't forget
about Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote."
"Yes, I know, Bella. And John Milton, too. He wrote Paradise Lost. Then
his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained."
"But then Christopher Columbus discovered America and when the Pilgrims
landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians who came down the
hill rolling their war hoops before them. Only many of the Indian heroes
were killed which proved very fatal to them."
"Stop," Norman 2 ordered as the Alice units went dead. "This does not
compute."
"Don't you WANT to learn?" Bella demanded. "This stuff is important.
You'll never control the humans without it."
"America was VERY important," Bari agreed. "Delegates from the original
thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Benjamin Franklin invented
electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, 'A horse divided
against itself cannot stand.' They adopted the Constitution to insure
domestic hostility."
"The Constitution gave the people the right to keep bare arms," Bella
confided. Then Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy and he was born in a log cabin which he
built with his own hands."
"He wrote the Gettysburg Address while travelling from Washington to
Gettysburg on the back of an envelope."
"Lieutenant Liu, that information is still classified Alpha Iota Blue,"
Hunter fumed in mock outrage." He hadn't missed that the Arnold units
surrounding him were becoming non-responsive.
"I don't care, I don't care! They're going to make me one of them and
they'll protect Bella and me." She turned toward the Norman triumvirate.
"Won't you?"
"If your information has value, we will reward you," Norman 3 answered,
but his eyelids were beginning to blink. "Go on, please."
"All right. Well, while all this was going on in America, back in Europe
Isaac Walton invented gravity."
"You know," Bella said, "we can't forget that Bach was the most famous
composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half-German,
half-Italian and half-English. He was very large."
"Oh, but what about Beethoven, Bella? Beethoven wrote music even though
he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote very loud music. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this."
"Yes, and France was in a very serious state because the French Revolution
was accomplished before it happened. Then Napoleon came and the crowned
heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes."
"He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a
baroness, she couldn't have children. And you know, the sun never set on
the British Empire because the British Empire is in the east and the sun
sets in the west."
"Oh, but the nineteenth century was the real key, wasn't it Bari? So many
inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network
of rivers to spring up. Then Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper
which did the work of a hundred men.
"Yes, and Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy, Louis Pasteur
discovered a cure for rabbis, Madman Curie discovered radium, and Karl Marx
became one of the Marx brothers."
That did it. Three Norman heads flopped forward and the Latician android
population was out of commission. Hunter sprang forward.
"Well done, Ladies. Let's get the hell out of here. I want all of our
personnel back on the PHOENIX ten minutes ago. I'll find Dr. Swanson. You
two round up any stragglers."
"Aye Sir," Bella replied.
"Sir, I know where their hub is and I can get there fastest via the ocean.
Permission to knock out all systems permanently?"
Thorpe considered, then nodded. "Do it, Miss Liu, but be careful. Until
you do, we don't know how quickly they'll recover, and I doubt they'll fall
for your history lessons a second time."
Bari nodded and hurried down to the shore. Disrobing quickly, she headed
straight for the undersea control room. As expected, she encountered no
active androids. A pity, in a way, she took time to think. Those units
were probably programmed to please the opposite sex with great expertise.
She had no time and less inclination to dismantle the equipment. By the
time her tail dried into legs, her knife was in her hand. It didn't take
much time to short out every circuit she could find. In ten minutes time
she was satisfied that no units would be waking up to repair their
equipment. Back in the sea, a few strong flips of her tail propelled her
back to the surface where she requested a beamup to the ship.
Bari shimmered out of existence on Laticia and her molecules reassembled
themselves on her ship. It was good to be back aboard the PHOENIX. What
she didn't know, couldn't know, was that three levels below the undersea
lab on a single panel in a room dark and dank, a single blue light was
blinking.
****************************
<NRPG> Well, we just couldn't shut down the Laticians without leaving an
opening for reprisals, could we? <G> By the way, the nonsense parts of
this post were excerpted from Richard Lederer's "Student Bloopers." He is
an educator who gathered these from real essays written by students from
eighth grade through college level. Scary, isn't it?
This next part can take place as far in the future as everyone likes. I
just want to get the Diamond Star people into the act. There should be
room for the Phoenicians to put their own perspective on events while
getting things moving again for both. Craig, I hope all this is all right
with you. Let me know.
<RPG>
Her new personal transport was on approach to the PHOENIX' orbit when
Commodore Lexia Tremaine activated communications.
"Ahoy, PHOENIX. This is the MAZATLAN requesting permission to dock."
The familiar, but not heard in too long, voice startled Hunter out of his
thoughts about the missing Abby Patrick. "Open a line," he told Bari Liu,
now sitting at the ops station. Then, "Lexi, is that you?"
"Well dear, it's not Lydia," Lexia teased her husband. Her excitement at
seeing him without benefit of hololink had been building steadily during
the trip out. She had said a fond farewell to Nate Blaine back at SSE1.
He was being reassigned and she regretted that their association had been
so brief.
"But, what are you doing here? I thought you were on a mission on your
new ship?"
"If you'll grant us permission to dock and meet us, I'll explain it all."
"Granted, of course. Oh, Lexia, what a wonderful surprise."
Lexia laughed. "You ain't seen nothin' yet, bud! Lexia out."
By the time the MAZATLAN docked and the hatch opened, Hunter was pacing
impatiently across the floor of Shuttle Bay 1. His eyes lit up when Lexia
stepped out and he saw her sea-green ones shining as they locked with his.
The shuttlebay crew and the people following her out of the MAZATLAN
tastefully looked elsewhere while husband and pregnant wife greeted each
other.
"Say hello to your daughter, Hunter," she said when he released her from
the embrace.
"Vickie's here, too? Hey, she's really grown, hasn't she?"
"Da-dee," Vickie said when Hunter scooped her into his arms. It took no
more than that one word for Hunter to melt. Like most little girls with
their fathers, Vickie had him.
"She's about due for a nap, Hunter. If you'll have someone show them to a
suitable place, Ja-elle will put her down. Then the rest of us can go down
to your Orion's Belt where" -- Lexia smiled and twirled an imaginary
moustache in her best Hercule Poirot style -- "all shall be revealed."
A short while later they were seated in the ship's lounge. Dahlia Cilgari
had come straight to their table, greeted Lexia, and personally taken their
orders.
"All right, Lexia, give. Last I heard from you, the DIAMOND STAR had just
launched and you were off on a diplomatic mission and en route to Jupiter."
"All true, Hunter. But, we weren't far from SSE1 when we ran into an ion
storm."
"So? I'm sure the Admiral's yacht was built well enough not to have to
abort a mission for a reason like that. Ion storms aren't an everyday
thing, but they're not totally unexpected."
"Also true, but this one was different. Elgin, you remember Lt. Elgin,
don't you?" Hunter nodded in the direction of the Time Lord and Lexia
continued. "Well, Elgin discovered that this ion storm wasn't a natural
weather phenomenon."
"Not natural? Then what?" Hunter's eyes widened. "You don't meanŠ.."
"Exactly what I do mean. This ion storm had been artificially produced.
You don't need me to tell you what that could mean."
"Good god, no. If someone is capable of producing an ion storm in a
place, at a time, and of an intensity of his choiceŠ." He left the
sentence unfinished.
"So Starfleet Command decided this was an investigation that took priority
over our mission, but the DIAMOND STAR wasn't equipped to handle it."
Lexia smiled. "The PHOENIX is."
Hunter smiled, but there was pain behind the smile. "The PHOENIX is
equipped to handle anything, Lexi, but must I remind you that she has no
Commanding Officer?"
Taking her husband's hand, Lexia smiled into his eyes. "She does now,
Hunter."
"You, Lexi?"
"No, not I."
She felt his grip tighten as he looked at the officers she had brought with
her and wondered which of them was going to sit in the center chair of his
beloved PHOENIX. Lexia quietly reached into her pocket, withdrew a small
box, and rose, followed by Bob Dwight, Raven Larson, and Elgin. "Hunter,
it is customary to stand when a flag officer does," she reminded him.
"Yes, Madam," he replied tightly.
"Thank you. As a flag officer, it is my duty and my pleasure to promote
you to the rank of Captain and to hereby transfer command of the USS
PHOENIX to you. Congratulations, Captain Thorpe."
Lexia could no longer maintain her air of detachment. She was beaming with
delight. Hunter for his part couldn't remain standing. His jaw dropped
open and his bottom dropped into his seat. The PHOENIX was his again! Oh,
he desperately wanted Abby back, but he had longed for the cherished center
chair of this ship alone for so very long. Was it really happening? He
looked down to where his adored wife was pinning the captain's pip to his
collar. Yes, it was real.
"Did you do this, Lexi?" he whispered.
"Oh, I've still got some pull with the powers that be, darling, but not
THAT much. Let's just say I made a few -- um -- strong worded
recommendations," she said with the musical laugh that he loved. "And now,
if I may, Captain, I'd like to introduce some of your new senior staff.
"First, let me present Commander Robert Dwight. Bob's been assigned as
your Exec, Hunter. He began his career with me on the old OLYMPIC so trust
me when I tell you you could do no better." She winked playfully. "Even
if he is part Betazoid." She sensed her husband's mental groan at the
thought of a spoon bender as his FO.
"Captain Thorpe." Bob extended his hand.
"Commander, welcome aboard. We're in informal surroundings here" --
Hunter made a sweeping gesture nearly knocking three drinks off the table
-- "call me Hunter."
"And I'm Bob. Looking forward to serving with you, Hunter."
"This is Lt. Raven Mariah Larson. She billeted as your Chief of
Engineering."
"Good to have you aboard, Lieutenant. I'll expect the engines to be at
110% efficiency at all times, of course."
"Of course, Sir," Raven answered quietly. She was a little bit awed by
this bearded, barrel-chested man whose exploits were chronicled in many of
the Academy's security training textbooks.
"You have met Lt. Elgin, of course. We heard that you had transferred
your FCO to Operations recently, so Elgin will be taking over that
position."
Hunter gave Elgin the same welcome. He knew that Lexia thought the Time
Lord was the best in Starfleet but he couldn't help but find the idea of a
navigator who couldn't find his way to the nearest turbolift without a map
a little disconcerting. Still, the man had discovered the artificiality of
that ion storm with little difficulty and that spoke volumes about his
abilities.
"There may be a few more transfers from the DIAMOND STAR, Hunter.
Starfleet Command wasn't completely sure about your personnel needs."
He was still taking it all in. The words, "The PHOENIX is mine," rang
like a carol in his head. He had his ship back and his wife and daughter
were on board. But, she hadn't saidŠ.
"You, Lexia. What about you?"
"Ah, I wondered if the ship had driven all thought of me from your mind,
love. Well, I hold the rank of Commodore, and I'm retaining my position as
Starfleet's Diplomatic Liaison, but yes, I'm staying aboard. And, you know
I'll do anything that needs doing."
Commodore Lexia Tremaine
USS PHOENIX
Utility Infielder