Professor Struwe's Bad Day

Some years ago, Professor Struwe gave lectures in Analysis at the Federal Institute of Technology (Zurich, Switzerland).

One day, after talking 20 minutes about a subject, he asked the students:

"Who of you has already heard something about that ?"

Only a few students held up their arms. On which Struwe cried out in despair:

"That few? But I've explained it to you *JUST NOW* !!!"

We recently hired a foreign graduate with a PhD in Math. His degree certificate had it printed in bold DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY. When the hiring manager went to the high flying company immigration lawyer regarding his visa, the lawyer got mad at the hiring manager saying that how the hell can he justify, to the labor department, hiring a Philosophy major for a state-of-the-art high-tech software development job.

Thirteen Misunderstandings In The History Of Mathematics

In the interest of historical accuracy let it be known that...

1. Fibonacci's daughter was not named "Bunny."
2. Michael Rolle was not Danish, and did not call his daughter "Tootsie."
3. William Horner was not called "Little-Jack" by his friends.
4. The "G" in G. Peano does not stand for "grand."
5. Rene Descartes' middle name is not "push."
6. Isaac Barrow's middle name is not "wheel."
7. There is no such place as the University of Wis-cosine, and if there was, the motto of their mathematics department would not be "Secant ye shall find."
8. Although Euler is pronounced oil-er, it does not follow that Euclid is pronounced oi-clid.
9. Franklin D. Roosevelt never said "The only thing we have to sphere is sphere itself."
10. Fibonacci is not a shortened form of the Italian name that is actually spelled: F i bb ooo nnnnn aaaaaaaa ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
11. It is true that August Mobius was a difficult and opinionated man. But he was not so rigid that he could only see one side to every question.
12. It is true that Johannes Kepler had an uphill struggle in explaining his theory of elliptical orbits to the other astronomers of his time. And it is also true that his first attempt was a failure. But it is not true that after his lecture the first three questions he was asked were "What is elliptical?" What is an orbit?" and "What is a planet?"
13. It is true that primitive societies use only rough approximations for the known constants of mathematics. For example, the northern tribes of Alaska consider the ratio of the circumference to the diameter of a circle to be 3. But it is not true that the value of 3 is called Eskimo pi. Incidentally, the survival of these tribes is dependent upon government assistance, which is not always forthcoming. For example, the Canadian firm of Tait and Sons sold a stock of defective compasses to the government at half-price, and the government passed them onto the northern natives. Hence the saying among these peoples: "He who has a Tait's is lost."

Differentiation Operator

A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the differentiation operator. His friends had him placed in a mental hospital until he got better. All day he would go around frightening the other patients by staring at them and saying "I differentiate you!"

One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him and said "I differentiate you!", but for once, his victim's expression didn't change. Surprised, the mathematician marshalled his energies, stared fiercely at the new patient and said loudly "I differentiate you!", but still the other man had no reaction. Finally, in frustration, the mathematician screamed out "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!" --at which point the new patient calmly looked up and said, "You can differentiate me all you like: I'm e^x"

A scientist cut off the leg of a frog and told it to jump so it jumped. He cut off 2 more legs and told it to jump and again it did. He cut off the last leg and tells it to jump but this time it doesn't. The scientist then writes in his log book: When all legs are cut off, frog becomes deaf.

Why did Dr Jekyll flunk chemistry?
-He kept drinking the final exam.

What is a mathematician's favorite desert?
-Pi.

For all you physicists: What happens when a body is immersed in warm water?
-The phone rings.

The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you're standing on.

The man who invented Scotch tape is a classic example of achieving success by sticking to his work.

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you wake up and doesn't stop until you get to the office.

Did you hear about the scientist who swallowed some uranium?
-He got atomic ache.

Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell a man that a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.

What makes the Starship Enterprise run?
-Spock plugs.

Why is electricity so dangerous?
-It doesn't know how to conduct itself.

How do bacteria reproduce?
-They multiply by dividing.

Real Engineers

• Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
• Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screw- drivers for their birthday.
• Real Engineers wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're lazy.
• Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
• Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier.
• Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt size.
• Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions.
• Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day"
• Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation with a dial tone or busy signal.
• Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car".
• Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window.
• Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.
• Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs.
• Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.
• Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
• Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.

Chemist's Recipe for Chocolate Chip Cookies

1. 532.35 cm³ gluten
2. 4.9 cm³ NaHCO₃
3. 4.9 cm³ refined halite
4. 236.6 cm³ partially hydrogenated tallow triglyeride
5. 177.45 cm³ crystalline C₁₂H₂₂O₁₁
6. 177.45 cm³ unrefined C₁₂H₂₂O₁₁
7. 4.9 cm³ methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm³ theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm³ de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat-transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two, and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogeneous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal portions of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredients nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300x600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25 deg. C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

You Might Be An Engineering Major If...

• if you choose IBM compatible over Macintosh.
• if you hates driving American car.
• if you prefer workstation or desktop computer rather than a notebook.
• if you prefer manual shifting over automatic transmission.
• if you suddenly woke up in the middle of the night and grabbed a calculator.
• if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
• if you enjoy pain.
• if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
• if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
• if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
• if when you look in a mirror, you see a engineering major.
• if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
• if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
• if you always do homework on Friday nights.
• if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
• if you think in "math."
• if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
• if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
• if you have a pet named after a scientist.
• if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
• if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
• if you can translate English into Binary.
• if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
• if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
• if you are completely addicted to caffeine.
• if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
• if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
• if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
• if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
• if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
• if you understood more than five of these indicators.
• if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

If these indicators apply to you, there is good reason to suspect that you might be classified as a engineering major. I hope this clears up any confusion.

Choosing The Correct Date Makes A Difference

On February 14, 1996, the University of Pennsylvania will be holding a 50th Anniversary celebration for ENIAC, the world's first computer, which was developed at Penn. Many past, present, and future greats in the field of computer science will partake in the festivities, with quite a large turnout expected.

Of course, for most of the attendees, it will be the first time in many, many years that they've actually had something meaningful to celebrate on Valentine's Day...

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Engineers think that equations approximate the real world.
Scientists think that the real world approximates equations.
Mathematicians are unable to make the connection...

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced."
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.

The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."

The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."

The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!"

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Electrical Engineering vs. Computer Science

Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?"

One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype."

The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years."

"With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard- boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes."

"The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs."

"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too."

"We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v.8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook."

"Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)."

The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all lived happily ever after.