Do Not Read This

From the cover letter of a recent internal memo:

It's nice to know fax machines are so secure and not electronic.

Q&A: The Pentium FDIV Bug

Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?
A: A mad scientist.

Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums?
A1: Warning label.
A2: Truth in advertising.

Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.

Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to

        1)  Divide
        2)  ROUND
        3)  RANDOM
        4)  On a Pentium, all of the above

Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?
A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

Q:According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of "IEEE"?
A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!

Top Ten New Intel Slogans for Pentium

      9.9999973251   It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
      8.9999163362   It's Close Enough, We Say So
      7.9999414610   Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
      6.9999831538   You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
      5.9999835137   Redefining the PC--and Mathematics As Well
      4.9999999021   We Fixed It, Really
      3.9998245917   Division Considered Harmful
      2.9991523619   Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?
      1.9999103517   We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
      0.9999999998   The Errata Inside

Maybe The Theory Was Right...

Based on data recently returned from the Hubble space telescope, NASA scientists were surprised to learn that the Universe is 4 to 8 billion years younger than some of the stars in our own galaxy!

At least, according to calculations made on their Pentium computers.

Computer Nightmares

1. "My hard disk won't boot."
   I suggest they take the floppy out of drive A:. Later when I arrive, they have successfully removed the floppy drive from the machine (with the floppy disk still inside).

2. "My dog goes nuts when I run Windows. No problem with any DOS programs."
   Her monitor had a cracked flyback transformer. When the multisync monitor switched scan rates upon entering Windows, the high frequency audio produced by the broken flyback was heard by the dog.

3. "Michaelangelo virus ate my hard disk, but I have a tape backup. Can you help me restore the system".
   No problem. When I arrive, I find the data on the tape was 18 months old and that she had never run a backup.
   "I thought you just shoved in the tape and it sucked up the data".

4. "How do I get on the national data information super highway?".
   I ask if he has accounts on any bbs's. He has Netcom, Compuserve, and others. I tell him he's already on the highway.
   "Is that all there is?"
   I hangup.

5. "What's the fastest way to move 500MBytes of data daily from Santa Cruz to Los Angeles?".
   Answer: FedEx.

6. How many RJ45 connector does it take to build 8ea 10baseT cables?
   Answer: 45. I put the first 16 connectors on with one end backward. I then chopped off the good ends. Chopping off the other 8 connectors and effectively starting over consumed another 16 connectors. The 2nd try resulted in one end being mirror-imaged. Chopping of 8 more connectors I finally got them wired correctly. Then I tested them for continuity and found 5 bad crimps. Total=45.

7. What kind of hard disk do you have?"
   "Well... It's black with a little red light ... (groan)".

8. Most common support call:
   "I lost my CMOS setup. How many heads, cylinders, and sectors does a _______ drive have?".

9. "I move the mouse in any direction and the cursor only moves an inch or so on the screen and stops".
   Take the foam shipping ring out from around the mouse ball.

10. "My systems on fire. What do I do?".
    "Ummmmm. Turn it off?"(Click)

11. Most hated support call:
    "I'm not sure if we need a computer system. Can you give me the relative advantages of Unix, DOS, Windows, Novell, MacIntosh, Sun, etc...?".

12. Favorite software support call:
    "I just installed Word 6.0 for Windows. It's really big and slow. How much will it cost to upgrade my machine?"

13. "My floppy drive won't read disks".
    I suggest they clean out the dust from the drive.
    "I can't".
    Huh?
    "The dust won't move".
    I find that they were using spray glue near the machine and that all the dust was glued in place.

14. How to impress a new customer:
    I walk into the computer room and knock the fire extinguisher off the wall which immediately sprays everything with dust.

15. "My printer stopped working".
    Turn it upside down and shake out the staples and paper clips. Works every time.

16. "Can you teach me how to use a computer?".
    I answer: No. I just fix the machines, I don't use them.

17. The company motto: "If this stuff worked, you wouldn't need me".

18. From one of my smarter clients:
    "Why is something broken every time you're here?"

19. "I'm trying to install a 2nd IDE drive. Support told me to take out ALL the jumpers".
    "How many did you take out?"
    "12".
    (What they meant were the two easily accessible jumpers).

20. I call a manufacturer to order a manual on some junk I picked up surplus. The receptionist asks my name and company. She notes that I'm not in their database and could she have my address and phone numbers. No problem. I'm then transfered to the customer service department which notes that I'm not in the database and asks for the same information. The customer service person transfers me to the the parts department which notes that I'm not in the database etc... Since the manual will take a few days to arrive, I ask for tech support who notes that I'm not in the database etc... The manual arrived promptly followed by 4 identical envelopes of promotional literature with exactly the same name and address.

21. Question LEAST likely to be answered correctly by support:
    "What is the current version of your software/hardware/firmware?"

22. Pacific Telephone Support Dept (Dial 611 for repair service), now asks you to punch in your phone number, and then warns you that you will be asked to verbally recite the same number when the service operator answers. I wonder what happens if they're different?

23. E-mail from a friend:
    "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"

24. Fax back information service for additional information from one vendor requesting just one item returns a copy of their catalog page plus 10 pages of promotional garbage.

25. E-mail autoreply from support@_______.com
    

    Thank you for your support request.
    (drivel deleted)
    Please refer to support request number:
            Error: cannot create /u/something/filename
    (4 lines of garbage deleted)
    in future correspondence.  Your request will be processed
    in the order received.
    (more garbage with Out of space on hd(1,41) mixed in.)
    

26. Conversation with support at a certain controller manufacturer.
    "I can't answer that, please call your dealer".
    "I am the dealer."
    "Then call your distributor"
    "He said for me to call you"
    "Then have the customer call us"
    "AAAAAGH!"

27. Modems and payphones don't mix. I hotwired my laptop into the mouthpiece of a payphone and proceeded to do system maintenance on a customers machine. The sheriff arrived shortly and proceeded to interrogate me. Someone called complaining that I was using a computer to steal money from the payphone.

28. Having my system page me when it does an unscheduled reboot was a good idea. Having all my customers machines do the same was a mess after a power failure and 100+ pages.

29. "My hard disk has a virus!".
    "How can you tell?" I ask.
    "When I type DIR, it says VIRUS <DIR> and some date stuff".
    (Hint: Never name the directory for virus scanning software VIRUS).

30. Some monitor manufacturers suggest using alchohol to clean the screen. They forget to mention that the monitor should be off. (Boom)

31. I told a customer to take his machine to a gas station and have them blow the dust out. The gas station hands him a 150psi air nozzle that belches rusty water and oil. I got to clean up the mess for free. He also mangled the floppy heads with the high pressure.

32. Oxymoron candidate: Disk Protector. That's the cardboard disk they shove in the floppy drive for shipping. More drives have been mangled by shoving in the wrong shape, backwards, or bent than have ever been protected by them. Use a floppy disk instead.

33. What's the difference between a Van DeGraf static generator and a belt driven vacuum cleaner?
    Answer: Not much. Don't use a vacuum to clean your computer.

34. After the cleaning service crashed the computer for the 4th time by plugging the floor sweeper into the UPS, I decided to take action. I suggested they install "child proof" plastic plugs in any outlets deemed worthy of protection. The order went though the chain of confusion, and I was soon blessed with 1000 child proof plugs hot stampled with "Protected". I gave instructions to install about 10 of them on the protected outlets. However, the maintenance person assigned to the task knew nothing and proceeded to plaster every outlet in the building with the plugs. Mutiny was averted by spending all night removing the monsters. Three years later, they are still appearing.

35. Hint: Do not allow long hair black cats to sleep atop laser printers and tape drives. The black hair is almost invisible in black pattens, gears, and rollers.

36. Forensic filth analysis is a new part of computer repair. I now carry a microscope and some chemicals which are used to determine the exact nature of the filth I remove from keyboards, mice, computers, light pens. While nobody pays me to do this, it definately adds to the entertainment value.

37. Why do customers think that I maintain a document and device driver library for every conceivable board ever made?

38. From a hard disk drive manufacturer:
    "The drive stopped working. I poped the little plug and noticed it was awful dry inside. I added some oil but it didn't help".

39. Which arrow key? There are 17 arrows on the keyboard.

40. Favorite error message:
    "Out of paper on drive D:"
    This was produced by a timeout error on a slow WORM drive and a defective AT/IO card.

41. At one time, I was into antique furniture. When I purchased my first computer (IBM 4.77 PC), I decided that it deserved a suitable antique table. I ask the local antique dealer:
    "Do you have an antique computer desk?".
    He looks at me with a strange look and says:
    "They didn't have computers when this stuff was made".

42. When 3.5" floppies first appeared, some users were confused with the operation of the write protect window. One user wanted to be doubly sure that the disk would be safe from his mistakes. He correctly opened the window and just to be sure, covered it with one of the magic write protect tabs from a 5.25" floppy.

43. Favorite Windoze game:
    "Guess what this icon does?"

44. A video store installed the computer on top of the cash drawer. Every time the cash drawer would open, the hard disk would get a good bouncing. I decided that this was technically disgusting, and moved the machine. The next morning, the drive wouldn't spin up (stiction). Solution: Put it back on top of the cash drawer and let it bounce.

45. The curse of the mad labeler. Some of the clone cards I see have stick on METALIZED labels that a quite good at shorting traces. I've fixed a few by just removing the stick-on short. A variation on this effect is the tendency for some distributors to put stick-on labels on TOP of their 486 chips. Then they smear on some silicon grease and bury the mess under a heat sink and fan. The air gap produced between the chip and heat sink severely degrade its cooling value.

Addition to Devil's DP Dictionary

Computing Center [n] In a University, that organization whose functions are 1) To impede wherever possible the development and usefulness of computing on the campus, 2) To gain the lion's share of funding, spend it largely on obsolete and otherwise inappropriate solutions, and convince the campus(es) wherever possible to expend their meager funds on the same, and 3) to oppose vigorously any new, useful and popular technology for ten years or more until nearly everyone on the campus(es) and elsewhere in the world is using it, then to adopt that technology and immediately attempt to gain complete and sole control of it [see MS-DOS, UNIX, ETHERNET, INTERNET].

Orthodox Interface

A recent newspaper story described the dilapidated state of the Russian Orthodox churches being given back to the church by the Russian government. Most have the glass missing from their windows, the religious icons are missing, etc.

My friend Howard, upon reading the article, commented:
"No windows, no icons? I guess they'll have to say Mass at the prompt."

Renaming the Info Highway

We asked you to help us rename the Information Highway, and boy, did you ever!

[runner-up info deleted]

The winner is Kevin Kwaku, who suggested that while the Information Superhighway is a bad name, it could be a great acronym, standing for:

Proper Diskette and Care Usage

1. Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.

4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.

6. Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.

7. If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

8. Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

9. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.....

Now I Understand

My 5 year old niece was recently trying to teach me about dinosaurs when she said, ``Do you want me to show you how I spell "dinosaur"?'' ``Sure,'' I said, somewhat surprised that she could.

So she spelled it for me: ``D-O-S''.

Funny, that's how I spell it, too.

Lord, What Geeks These Mortals Be!

I have one of the few cubicles here in my building that has a window. Admittedly it's Oregon, so it's usually cloudy, but at least it's a bit of a view. My boss told me that they were planning to rearrange offices, and I was going to be moved to a larger cubicle (but one without a window). I complained a friend as she wandered by that they were going to take away my window. Without even considering any other possible meaning, she started to explain how I could set up my .xhosts file to keep them from doing that.

Documentation for OS/2

My boss received the new beta version of OS/2 on CD-ROM today. The total documentation with the CD consists of a few CD-sized sheets of paper, our favorite of which contained this line:
"Not intended for productive use."

Back to School

The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and how to access the "Information Highway".

An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working; his attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.

He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address.

He replied, "The sign told me, 'begins@7:30 P.M.'"

Classified Intelligence

Dude Looks Like A Nerd

During an on-line conference for their fans, the members of Aerosmith struggled with the notebook PCs they'd been given. "What would you do if you didn't play rock and roll?" one on-line correspondent asked. "Learn to type" was the reply.

50 Ways to Perplex In The Computer Lab

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

Programming Languages Are Like Women

Warning: This list may be offensive to ardent feminists.

There are so many programming languages available that it can be very difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one for you. On the other hand most men know what kind of woman appeals to them. So here is a handy guide for many of the popular programming languages that describes what kind of women they would be if programming languages were women.

Assembler

A female track star who holds all the world speed records. She is hard and bumpy, and so is not that pleasant to embrace. She can cook up any meal, but needs a complete and detailed recipe. She is not beautiful or educated, and speaks in monosyllables like "MOV, JUMP" and "INC". She has a fierce and violent temper that make her the choice of last resort.

FORTRAN

Your grey-haired grandmother. People make fun of her just because she is old. But if you take the time to listen, you can learn from her experiences and her mistakes. During her lifetime she has acquired many useful skills in sewing and cooking (subroutine libraries) that no younger women can match, so be thankful she is still around. She has a notoriously bad temper and when angered will start yelling and throwing dishes. It was mostly her bad temper that made grandad search for another wife.

COBOL

A plump secretary. She talks far too much, and most of what she says can be ignored. She works hard and long hours, but can't handle really complicated jobs. She has a short and unpredictable temper, so no one really likes working with her. She can cook meals for a huge family, but only knows bland recipes.

BASIC

The horny divorcee that lives next door. Her specialty is seducing young boys and it seems she is always readily available for them. She teaches them many amazing things, or at least they seem amazing because it is their first experience. She is not that young herself, but because she was their first lover the boys always remember her fondly. Her cooking and sewing skills are mediocre, but largely irrelevant, it's the frolicking that the boys like. The opinion that adults have of Mrs. BASIC is varied. Shockingly, some fathers actually introduce their own sons to this immoral woman! But generally the more righteous adults try to correct the badly influenced young men by introducing them to well behaved women like Miss Pascal.

PL/I

A bordello madam. She wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs and red high heels. At one time she seemed very attractive, but now she just seems overweight and tacky. Tastes change.

C

A lady executive. An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too talkative. Is a good cook if you like spicy food. Unless you double check everything you say (through LINT) you can unleash her fierce temper. Her daughter C++ is still quite young and prone to tantrums, but it seems that she will grow up into a fine young woman of milder temper and more sophisticated character.

ALGOL 60

Your father's wartime sweetheart. Petite, well proportioned, and sweet tempered. She disappeared mysteriously during the war, but your dad still talks about her shapely form and their steamy romance. He never actually tasted much of her cooking.

Pascal

A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60's younger sister. Like her sister she is petite and attractive, but very bossy. She is a good cook but only if the recipe requires no more than one pot (module).

Modula II

A high-school teacher and Pascal's daughter. Very much like her mother, but she has learned to cook with more than one pot.

ALGOL 68

Algol 60's niece. A high-society woman, well educated and terse. Few men can fully understand her when she talks, and her former lovers still discuss her mysterious personality. She is very choosy about her romances and won't take just any man as her lover. She hasn't been seen lately, and rumor has it that she died in a fall from an ivory tower.

LISP

LISP is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with her hippie cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH. Many men (mostly college students) who have visited the farmhouse,enthusiastically praise the natural food, and perpetual love-ins that take place there. Others criticize the long cooking times, and the abnormal sexual postures (prefix and postfix). Although these women seldom have full-time jobs, when they do work, their employers praise them for their imagination, but usually not for their efficiency.

APL

A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food. She can cook delicious meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of people at each table. She doesn't talk much, as that would just slow her work down. Few people can understand her recipes, since they are in a foreign language, and are all recorded in mirror writing.

LOGO

A grade-school art teacher. She is just the kind of teacher that you wish you had when you were young. She is shapely and patient, but not an interesting conversationalist. She can cook up delicious kiddie snacks, but not full-course meals.

LUCID & PROLOG

These clever teenagers show a new kind of cooking skill. They can cook-up fine meals without the use of recipes, working solely from a description of the desired meal (declarative cooking). Many men are fascinated by this and have already proposed marriage. Others complain that the girls work very slowly, and that often the description of the meal must be just as long as a recipe would be. It is hard to predict what these girls will be like when they are fully mature.

Ada

A WAC colonel built like an amazon. She is always setting strict rules, but if you follow them, she keeps her temper. She is quite talkative, always spouting army regulations, and using obscure military talk. You gotta love her though, because the army says so.

How To Use This Guide

I work for a multi country organization with a large network. This network uses Windows PCs. We experience problems with Windows and all of the software that users need for their daily function. By far, the biggest problem that our site experiences is trying to run WordPerfect under Windows with all of the other network stuff plugged in.

Note that Windows is a prerequsite for operation on this network.

Last Friday, the latest "Systems Administrators" guide came through the mail.

"Gee" I thought. "Maybe this will answer some of my questions about running WordPerfect in this environment".

I sat down, and started literally at the front of the manual. After a bit of reading, I came across the following:

"Great" I thought. "Someone back at the head office is thinking!"

Consequently to print from the electronic version ... [you] must use WordPerfect 5.1, in DOS only - do not launch from Windows.

Well, maybe next time they will tell me how to solve my WordPerfect under Windows problem...

The "Good Old Days" of the I-Way

Parents always tell their children how rough they had it when they were kids. How will we tell the next generation about our early days on the Net?

Things to tell our children about the "golden age" of the Internet:

1. We were so poor, we had to read our email by candlelight.

2. Our town was so small, the electronic superhighway was a Japanese transistor radio.

3. Times were very tough for us. We could only afford "Internet-in-a-Bag"

4. We were at such a remote site, our hardwiring was battery jumper cables connected to a CB radio.

5. Our gopher had fur.

6. Our connection was so slow, it took weeks to upload every new Yanoff's guide, which was out of date faster than we got it.

7. Our web site was in the top left corner of the kitchen cupboard, but at least it caught most of the flies.

8. FIDO was what chewed the cables.

9. Prodigy was the Sears Catalogue Outlet in town.

10. We were so poor, our IRC host was Mrs. Finebaum, the switchboard operator. She got netsplits whenever her bobby pins broke through her bun.

Another Naive User

On the subject of "naive PC users", here's another classic story. Dunno where it came from. It may even be apocryphal, but it's still a good one.

Telephone support person: "Okay, now all you have to do is to take the distribution diskette out of its little paper jacket and insert it into the disk drive with the slot facing the rear. Got that?"
Naive user: "Okay."
S.P.: "Now close the door."
N.U.: "What?"
S.P.: "Close the door."
N.U.: "How will that help?"
S.P. (somewhat exasperated): "Just do it, please?"
N.U.: "Okay, but I don't understand why!"

Whereupon the support person hears the sound of the user's phone being dropped on the desk, followed by footsteps and the sound of an office door being slammed shut...

PC Home Shopping

Heard this on a cable home shopping network:

What UNIX bullies do for fun

Don't leave your terminal idle around here:

% cd ~fred
% ls -lasFg .plan
   1 ----r--r--  1 fred     cs101           9 Feb 15 16:20 .plan
% cat .plan
Kick me!

Explained for the UNIX novice; fred cannot read the `Kick me!' sign on his account (which everyone else can), because he doesn't have read access to his .plan.

ASCII is older than you think!

I was looking at my 1837 copy of Johnson's Dictionary, when I came across the following entry:

Proof That Windows 95 Is NOT The Messiah

If you have half a brain, you can't help but notice the throng of publications, analists and net users declaring Windows 95 the Saviour of the Computer Industry. If you have less than half a brain, you probably believe it. Could it be?

Let's compare Windows 95 against a widely-accepted Saviour, Jesus of Nazareth:

		Jesus                                   Windows 95


 Said,"Surely I come quickly."             Has been promised "any day now."
	                                                     
 Is taking a lot longer to actually        Is taking a lot longer to actually
 arrive.	                           arrive.
	                                                     
 Can walk on water.                        Can crawl on a 486.
	                                       
 Sits in judgement at the pearly gates.    Will be used to judge Bill Gates.
             		                                      
 Bible says,"In Him, all things are        Windows 95 doesn't even run all
 possible."                            	   possible Windows apps.
	                                                     
 Embodies the Holy Trinity: Father,        Embodies DOS.
 Son, and Holy Ghost.                               
	                                                 
 Started life as a carpenter.              Turns perfectly good computers into
	                                   furniture.
	                                           
 Born in a manger.                         Resembles something found in a
	                                   barn.
	                                  
 Remembered for protecting the weak.       Has weak memory protection.
	                                          
 Was raised from the dead.                 Was created from Windows 3.1
		                                      
 Jesus performed great works for           Windows 95 multitasking performance
 the multitudes.                       	   barely works.
	                                                  
 Jesus has no sin.		           Windows 95 has no shame.

You decide.

Ever had a nightmare about being stuck in a small town without Internet access, or even UUCP? If so, Slane, B.C., is your nemesis.

- Why do all the faithful lie down in the church in Slane?
- The priest has a low voice.

- Why do all people in Slane wear helmets?
- The rope in the belltower broke and the bellringer throws stones.

- Why did they build a higher belltower in the church in Slane?
- The rope was too long.

- Why are there four bridges in Slane?
- They only managed to hit the river on the fourth try.

- Why does the mayor of Slane plow his field in circles?
- He bought a circus-horse.

I was doing booth duty at the COMDEX computer show. There were only 15 minutes left on the last day, and after this year's 160,000 attendees you've dealt with one or two goofballs. Naturally, while watching those last 15 minutes go by, I get ONE LAST "qualified customer":

This goes out to those of you who have ever wondered how the earth might have been created if God was using a computer.

In The Beginning (author unknown)

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said

	%Let there be light!

	#Enter user id.

	%God

	#Enter password.

	%Omniscient

	#Password incorrect. Try again.

	%Omnipotent

	#Password incorrect. Try again.

	%Technocrat

	#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

	%Let there be light!

	#Unrecognizable command. Try again.

	%Create light

	#Done

	%Run heaven and earth

	#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
	#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. #Approx.
	funds remaining: $92.50.

	#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

	%Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

	#Unrecognizable command. Try again.

	%Create firmament

	#Done.

	%Run firmament

	#And God created the firmament. And God saw there were 0 errors.
	#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2. #Approx.
	funds remaining: $84.60.

	#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

	%Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
	and let the dry land appear

	#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

	%Create dry_land

	#Done.

	#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
	#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. #Approx.
	funds remaining: $65.00.

	#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

	%Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

	#Unspecified type. Try again.

	%Create sun_moon_stars
	
	#Done

	%Run sun_moon_stars

	#And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors.
	#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. #Approx.
	funds remaining: $54.00.

	#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

	%Create fish

	#Done

	%Create fowl

	#Done

	%Run fish, fowl

	#And God created the great sea monsters and every living
	creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its
	kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were
	0 errors.

	#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. #Approx.
	funds remaining: $45.00.

	#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

	%Create cattle

	#Done

	%Create creepy_things

	#Done

	#Done

	%Now let us make man in our image

	#Unspecified type. Try again.

	%Create man
	
	#Done

	%Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it
	and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of
	the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

	#Too many command operands. Try again.

	%Run multiplication

	#Execution terminated. 6 errors.

	 %Insert breath

	#Done

	%Run multiplication

	#Execution terminated. 5 errors.

	%Move man to Garden of Eden

	#File Garden of Eden does not exist.

	%Create Garden.edn

	#Done

	%Move man to Garden.edn

	#Done

	%Run multiplication

	#Execution terminated. 4 errors.

	%Copy woman from man

	#Done
	
	%Run multiplication

	#Execution terminated. 3 errors.

	%Insert woman into man

	#Illegal parameters. Try again.

	%Insert man into woman

	#Done

	%Run multiplication

	#Execution terminated. 2 errors.

	%Create desire

	#Done
	
	%Run multiplication

	#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
	Garden.edn
	#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

	%Create freewill

	#Done

	%Run freewill

	#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
	Garden.edn
	#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

	%Undo desire

	#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

	%Destroy freewill

	#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
	#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
	
	%Help

	#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. #Freewill is
	an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter  replacement,
	cancel, or ask for help.

	%Create tree_of_knowledge

	#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
	Garden.edn
	#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

	%Create good, evil

	#Done

	%Activate evil

	#And God saw he had created shame.
	#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in
	Garden.edn.
	#1 errors.

	%Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

	#Search failed.

	%Delete shame

	#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

	%Destroy freewill

	#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
	#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

	%Stop

	#Unrecognizable command. Try again

	%Break
	%Break
	%Break

	#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING
	DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES.
	PLEASE LOG OFF.

	%Create new world

	#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy
	old files before new ones can be created.

	%Destroy earth

	#Destroy earth: Please confirm.

	%Destroy earth confirmed

	#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY,
	MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

	#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6. #Approx.
	funds remaining: $0.00.

The Information Superhighway Reference Guide

Infotech is proud to announce and ship is first reference guide to the the Information Superhighway, Arkansas edition.

As many viewers already know, the vast, high band width, electronic medium that we've used since the late 70's has just made it to Arkansas! In an effort to speed acceptance of this electronic resource, the folks at Infotech have created this reference guide of terms and meanings. This reduced version is just a sampling of what you'll get if your order our Arkansas internet starter kit.

bit

a binary digit.

byte

8 bits.

Datagram

the average weight of 32 bits ( this varies widely depending on the media used).

point to point communication

2 pork and beans cans directly connected via kite string. Hint - for home installation be sure and clean the cans first!

high bandwidth server hub

1024 segments of twisted twine connect via square knots. TT (twisted twine) is used due to the inherent bandwidth gained of twine (4x over kite string) in addition to the obvious architectual advantages of "twisting".

IP addresses

Database of addresses for all International Port-o-potties. This one's real handy for the traveler!

socket inheritance

Getting the last two weeks of your uncles paid for internet time when he passes away.

named pipes

A global naming scheme for all created pipes. This is only 60% completed, the public works department still has many areas that must be dug up in order to find out the names of the pipes.

email

Electronic mail. Be sure your properly grounded before using this service!

internet virus

A sometimes fatal disease that's contracted from sending to much email to folks that are closer than second cousins.

tree

graphic diagram of relationships with nodal connectivity in a heirarchical organization. As an example, imagine an upside down maple tree.

mesh

graphic diagram of relationships with no restrictions on nodal connectivity. As an example, look at your family tree.

TCP/IP

This is read as TCP or IP. In the event that your not local to any IP address, you must resort to TCP (Tinkle Car Protocol). This amounts to urinating in an old pop bottle. The use of DCP is not recommended and its definition is left as an excercise for the reader.

Reliable Stream Transport Service.

Not clear on the meaning at this time, but this service should be available in 3Q 96.

UDP

Used dirty pictures. This is a type of electronic pornography and it's the "used" part that makes it dangerous. Avoid UDP at all cost.

What If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers?

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did...

Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
H: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
C: "What's an ignition?"
H: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
C: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
H: "Is the gas tank empty?"
C: "Huh? How do I know!?"
H: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
C: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
H: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
C: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars suck!"
H: "What's wrong?"
C: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
H: "What were you doing?"
C: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"
H: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
C: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!"

Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
H: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
C: "How do I work it?"
H: "Do you know how to drive?"
C: "Do I know how to what?"
H: "Do you know how to drive?"
C: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

10 Reasons Why A MAC Is Better Than A PC

10. If you want to crash your MAC, you don't need to try too hard.
9. You can't get confused about which button to press on the mouse. There is only one.
8. A MAC makes a better paperweight.
7. You don't have to worry about upgradability when you buy your MAC. There is no such thing.
6. You don't need to worry about homework since you'll be so busy trying to work your MAC that you won't have time to do homework.
5. You don't have to worry about learning how to use complex command line parameters. The MAC can't do anything complex anyway.
4. You don't have to worry about Multi-tasking since the MAC can't do it anyway.
3. You don't have to worry about filling up your hard drive. Those oversized applications will do it for you.
2. If you need to lose weight, buying a MAC will cut in to your food budget, hence limiting you opportunity to get food.
1. If you buy a MAC, you don't have to worry about over spending. You don't have any money left.

Toasters

If IBM made toasters...

They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters...

Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that let's you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters...

It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier. The toast would make a little smiley face at you when it popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be a little picture of a bomb burned onto it. If they break, these toasters would require a special set of MacToaster Tools to even open up. Worldwide market share would only be 5%, but all the bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted on the MacToaster.

If The NeXT Corporation made toasters...

It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters...

Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

Does DEC still make toasters?...

They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...

They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Sony made toasters...

Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters...

Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic Civil War pewter toaster.

If Cray made toasters...

They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world, at least for a couple of years.

If Thinking Machines made toasters...

You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the same time.

If Timex made toasters...

They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Radio Shack made toasters...

The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. You would be able to buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If K-Tel sold toasters...

They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of Ginsu knives.

If Wang made toasters

Marketing would never agree upon what customers really want or need in a toaster so millions of dollars would be spent in development and the toaster would be several years late. Just after release Wang would buy another company whose toaster ran on NT but would find that they got more orders for the original.

Scon is short for Student Consultant. Scons are people hired to help users learn and work w ith the university's machinery. A pod is a UNM term for a place where such machinery is made available.

The Nine Types Of Users

El Explicito - "I tried the thing, ya know, and it worked, ya know, but now it doesn't, ya know?"

Advantages: Provides interesting communication challenges.
Disadvantages: So do chimps.
Symptoms: Complete inability to use proper nouns
Real Case: One user walked up to a certain Armenian pod manager and said, "I can't get what I want!" The pod manager leaned back, put his hands on his belt-buckle, and said, "Well, ma'am, you've come to the right place."

Mad Bomber - "Well, I hit ALT-f6, shift-f8, CNTRL-f10, f4, and f9, and now it looks all weird."

Advantages: Will try to find own solution to problems.
Disadvantages: User might have translated document to Navajo without meaning to.
Symptoms: More than six stopped jobs in UNIX, a 2:1 code-to-letter ratio in WordPerfect
Real Case: One user came in complaining that his WordPerfect document was underlined. When I used reveal codes on it, I found that he'd set and unset underline more than fifty times in his document.

Frying Pan/Fire Tactician - "It didn't work with the data set we had, so I fed in my aunt's recipe for key lime pie."

Advantages: Will usually fix error.
Disadvantages: 'Fix' is defined VERY loosely here.
Symptoms: A tendency to delete lines that get errors instead of fixing them.
Real Case: One user complained that their program executed, but didn't do anything. The scon looked at it for twenty minutes before realizing that they'd commented out EVERY LINE. The user said, "Well, that was the only way I could get it to compile."

Shaman - "Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were thick, and formahaut was above the horizon, I typed f77, and lo, it did compile."

Advantages: Gives insight into primative mythology.
Disadvantages: Few scons are anthropology majors.
Symptoms: Frequent questions about irrelavent objects.
Real Case: One user complained that all information on one of their disks got erased (as Norton Utilities showed nothing but empty sectors, I suspect nothing had ever been on it). Reasoning that the deleted information went *somewhere*, they wouldn't shut up until the scon checked four different disks for the missing information.

X-user - "Will you look at those. . .um, that resolution, quite impressive, really."

Advantages: Using the cutting-edge in graphics technology.
Disadvantages: Has little or no idea how to use the cutting-edge in graphics technology.
Symptoms: Fuzzy hands, blindness
Real Case: When I was off duty, two users sat down in front of me at DEC station 5000/200s that systems was reconfiguring. I suppressed my laughter while, for twenty minutes, they sat down and did their best to act like they were doing exectly what they wanted to do, even though they couldn't log in.

Miracle Worker - "But it read a file from it yesterday!" 'Sir, at a guess, this disk has been swollowed and regurgitated.' "But I did that a month ago, and it read a file from it yesterday!"

Advantages: Apparently has remarkable luck when you aren't around.
Disadvantages: People complain when scons actually use the word 'horse-puckey'.
Symptoms: Loses all ability to do impossible when you're around. Must be the kryptonite in your pocket.
Real Case: At least three users have claimed that they've loaded IBM WordPerfect from Macintosh disks.

Taskmaster - "Well, this is a file in MacWrite. Do you know how I can upload it to MUSIC, transfer it over to UNIX from there, download it onto an IBM, convert it to WordPerfect, and put it in three-column format?"

Advantages: Bold new challenges.
Disadvantages: Makes one wish to be a garbage collector.
Symptoms: An inability to keep quiet. Strong tendencies to make machines do things they don't want to do.
Real Case: One user tried to get a scon to find out what another person's E-mail address was even though the user didn't know his target's home system, account name, or real name.

Maestro - "Well, first I sat down, like this. Then I logged on, like this, and after that, I typed in my password, like this, and after that I edited my file, like this, and after that I went to this line here, like this, and after that I picked my nose, like this..."

Advantages: Willing to show you exactly what they did to get an error.
Disadvantages: For as long as five or six hours.
Symptoms: Selective deafness to the phrases, "Right, right, okay, but what was the ERROR?", and a strong fondness for the phrase, "Well, I'm getting to that."
Real Case: I once had to spend half an hour looking over a user's shoulder while they continuously retrieved a document into itself and denied that they did it (the user was complaining that their document was 87 copies of the same thing).

Princess (unfair, perhaps, as these tend, overwhelmingly, to be males) - "I need a Mac, and someone's got the one I like reserved, would you please garrote him and put him in the paper recycling bin?"

Advantages: Flatters you with their high standards for your service.
Disadvantages: Impresses you with their obliviousness to other people on this planet.
Symptoms: Inability to communicate except by complaining.
Real Case: One asked a scon to remove the message of the day because he (the user) didn't like it.

What EMACS does best

10. Destroy file links unintentionally and without warning.

9. Page out the kernel when it decides that it's not necessary for its own current operation (as well as all user processes not running emacs).

8. Provide special health insurance for people who fall climbing the treacherous slope known as its learning curve.

7. Create new ergonomic dysfunctions like Farkel Bridge Syndrome, the thing that happens to your fingers when trying to hold down too many control keys at once (including some that aren't on your keyboard) in order to exit without saving on a Tuesday in July when it's raining.

6. Create even newer ergonomic dysfunctions like Pickle Nostril syndrome, which occurs when you need to use your nose to hold down a key because all your fingers are in use holding down other keys.

5. Convince people that ^V-^Q-^W-ESC-^X-^Y pi is a "user-friendly" sequence for entering the letter Q.

4. Convince people that editors that operate in "modes" (like vi) are inherently inferior, as contrasted with emacs' 1422 different modes.

3. Supply a tutorial whose most used phrase is "but don't worry about that".

2. Provide emacs users with a sense of evangelical superiority over users of "mere" editors because *they* tailor their emacs environment to do their laundry upon startup (even though it takes fifteen minutes for this startup to occur and most of the stains don't come out and most of the colors run into adjacent files).

1. Provide joke fodder for users of other editors that we might point and laugh.