The new minister was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put a little vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly."

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor:

1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10
4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
5. The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"
6. We do not refer to Our Savior, Jesus and His disciples as "J.C. and the Boys"
7. David slew Goliath; he did not "kick the sh** out of him."
8. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."
9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry."
10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a Taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

Some proof that Barney the Dinosaur is actually Satan:

	Given: Barney is a cute purple dinosaur

Extract the Roman numerals (remembering that the Romans had no letter "U"; they used "V" instead)

	CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
	CV    V  L  DI    V

Add them together:

	100+5+5+50+500+1+5=666

I always suspected something.

Mt.Vesuvious is the world's famous volcano. It has erupted many times. Two American tourists were recently with a group looking over the rim of Vesuvius. One of them said, "My God! It sure is deep and hot! Reminds you of hell, doesn't it?" A local guide, hearing the remark, whispered to another European next to him, "Man, these Americans! They've been everywhere."

During a mass in the church, Jimmy told his father that he wants to throw up. His father replied to Jimmy, "Go to bathroom, it is outside of the chapel." Then Jimmy went back faster than his father expected. His father asked, "Did you find the bathroom?" Jimmy said, "No, daddy...but I did that whenever I saw a box right outside the chapel saying 'For The Sick'."

This is conversation between two seven-year-old-children.
child 1:"What church do you go to?"
child 2:"I don't go to church. I go to temple. I'm a Jewish."
child 1:"Jewish? What's that?"
child 2:"Well, you know, there are Protestants, Catholics, and Jews. But they are all just different ways of voting for God."

In Sunday school, the teacher asked, "Who can tell story of Adam and Eve?" A child raised her hand and said, "First of all God created Adam. Then he looked at Adam and thought, 'I think I can do better. I'll try again.' So," said the child, "he created Eve."

The rural Baptist minister preached loudly, "Get your sins washed away!" One of the listener dared to interrupt: "I already have, over at the Methodist Church." "Oh brother," said the preacher, "you haven't been washed; you've just been dry cleaned."

An Industrial executive, who also knew his Bible agreed to teach a few sessions of Sunday school. He asked the children, "Why was Noah the first businessman?" There was silence. Nobody knew. "Well", said the executive. "it's because he floated the first joint stock company and forced all his competitors into involuntary liquidation."

Anton was told by his father about what he learned today in sunday school. "Well, dad," said Anton, "it was great. The teacher told us about when God sent Moses behind the enemy line to rescue the Israelites from Egyptyan slavery. Well, when they came to the Red Sea, Moses called for some engineers to build a pontoon bridge. After the Jews had all crossed, they looked back and saw the Egyptian tanks comming. Moses radioded headquarters by his walkie-talkie to send bombers to destroy the bridge and saved the Israelites." "Wait a minute, Anton," said his father. "Is that really what your teacher told you?" "Not exactly," Anton admitted, "but if I told it my teacher's way, you won't believe it."

A minister was forced to stop by a traffic cop to pull over for speeding. As the cop was about to write the ticket, the minister said to him, "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy." The cop handed the minister the ticket and said, "Go thou and sin no more."

A man put this note under the windshield wiper of his car: "I've circled the block try to find a parking spot for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here, I'll lose my job.'Forgive us our trespasses.'" When he returned, he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circle the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket,I'll lose my job.'Lead us not into temptation.'"

An elderly Jew on a trip was suddenly taken sick and admitted to a Catholic hospital for surgery. The nun who was doing the paperwork asked who would pay the bill. "Well," said the Jew, "My only living relative is my sister, but she is an old maid who converted to Catholicism and now is a nun." "Wait a minute!" said the hospital nun. "We nuns are not only maids. We are brides of Christ." "Oh, fine," smiled the old man. "In this case, send the bill to my brother-in-law.

Top 10 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wive

10. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. --Deuteronomy 21

9. Find a prostitute and marry her. --Hosea (Hosea 1)

8. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." --Samson (Judges 14)

7. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. --Moses (Exodus 2)

6. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. --Boaz (Ruth 4)

5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. --Benjaminites (Judges 21)

4. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. --Adam (Genesis 2)

3. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. --Jacob (Genesis 29)

2. Don't be so picky. Make for quality with quantity. --Solomon (1 Kings 11)

1. A wife?... NOT!!! --Paul (1 Corinthians 7)

Sentences Which Have Appeared In Church Bulletins

1. This afternoon there will be meetings in both the South and the North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
2. Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an Ice Cream Social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.
3. Wednesday, the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed," accompanied by the pastor.
4. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the Church basement on Friday afternoon.
5. Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the "Little Mothers Club." All those wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet the minister in his study.
6. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
7. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water"; one of the ladies in the choir will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
8. On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.

On the way home from work I saw the following sign in front of a church:

	FOO [DENOMINATIONAL] CHURCH
	SERVICES:     6--7
	SUN WORSHIP:  11--1

Seems that some sects are getting pretty liberal about the format of their worship! Of course the real question is, when do they sacrifice the virgins?