From: (HASH BROWNS) Date: 26 Apr 91 19:30:18 GMT
	/*     NBCS - V1.9  The Natural Bears Classification System     */
	/*								*/
	/* A classification system for bears, and bear-like men  	*/ 
	/* Version 1.9					 2/ 4/1991	*/
	/* Authors:         and jls2@bearhug.UUCP	*/
	/*           (Bob Donahue = BBC)            (Jeff Stoner)       */
Because "Bears" mean so many things to different people, because bears come in all shapes and sizes and have different sexual proclivities, because classified ad prices are SOOOOOO expensive, we (while eating lunch at a Boulder, Colorado, Wendy's on Thanksgiving weekend, 1989) came up with this incredibly-scientific system to describe bears and bear-like men.

Since we both have interests in astronomy, we are well-versed in star and galaxy classification systems, which use prototypes to set the standards for describing things. Rather than just saying something is of "Type I" or "Type II" (etc.), it is better to use natural features to describe an object, in particular as a continuum of a range of features. Such is the case with bears.

------------- T H E C L A S S I F I C A T I O N S C H E M E -------------

The most obvious characteristic of a bear is understandibly his facial fur. So, that is the most logical place to begin. Using a capital "B" to denote "BEAR", we have added a sub-class characterizing "beard type" which combines a bear's beard's length, thickness, and overall "keptness", numbered from 0 to 9 and defined in the following way:

0 - (Little/no beard, or incredibly sparse) Such a beard is the absolute minimum that could ever be classified as a beard. We're talking 5-o'clock shadow, here! And yes, we are of the opinon that the beardless can still find company among the ursines!

1 - (VERY slight beard) This is the kind of beard that people have who want to have a beard, but can't grow one. Or someone who is contantly at the 1-week phase.

2 - (Slight beard) A beard kept VERY short at all times, or thinned out.

3 - (Thin beard) A beard in all respects but kept thin and short.

4 - (Mostly full) A beard that is full except for a few noticable bald spots, or kept trimmed.

5 - (Full beard) A full beard not generally trimmed, though not generally bushy. May have a few bald spots on inspection. Usually full and roundish beards fall into this category.

6 - (Very full) A full beard, not trimmed. May be slightly bushy but very full. Thick, full beards (moreso than B5's) are B6's. B6's beards also generally are higher up on the cheeks than B5's.

7 - (Longish/bushy beards) A full beard or slightly thin beard with longish fur. This beard is not trimmed and does come away from the chin.

8 - (Very Long Beards) These beards are usually very bushy and haven't seen clippers for a very long time.

9 - (Belt-buckle-grazing long beards) The prototype is ZZ Top. Need we say more?


Ok... Using this scheme, it shouldn't be hard to narrow a person down to within 1 sub-class, although occasionally people may fall between two classes, and then the end result is left up to the person classifying, or one may use a hybrid designation (for example: B7/4) for those who vary across time (in the given range they spend more time near the first number).

---------- O T H E R C L A S S I F I E R S F O R B E A R S -------------

While beards can be an observable trait of bears, there are other things that different people take into consideration as to "what makes up a bear", and things that people like in their bears. So, bearing that in mind (pun intended) there are other criteria that can/should optionally follow the "B" designation.

N.B. It is not necessary to have a "grade" for each of these traits! For each there is a "neutral" value, which basically describes someone who is "average" or "unknown" within that trait. These "neutral" values are given below, but would not be reported --- treat them as either "default" or "assumed".

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

f - "The FUR factor". Some bears are particularly hairy about the rest of their bodies, others INCREDIBLY furry, yet others though rightfully bears, have little or no fur on their chests, arms, legs, back, butt, etc. So, one of the following may be added to better describe a bear's fur:

t - "the TALLNESS factor". To describe bears that are tall or short for their frame.

w - "the WEIGHT factor". For those who perfer their bears more or less fluffy.

c - "the CUB factor". For the junior up and coming bears.

d - "the DADDY factor". For the cubs, etc.

Note there are now also HYBRID classes "cd" and "dc":

g - "the GROPE factor": This is the amount one likes to be touched or pawed etc.

k - "the KINKY factor"... for those who dare.

s - "SEX (ok, SLUT) factor: In SOME people's bear codes, "s" might really mean "k" (since "k" WAS originally "s" in the earlier versions...).

m - "the MUSCLE factor"... for those who like meat on them bones. (N.B. "semi-"official --- may be dropped w/ V2.0)

e - "the ENDOWMENT factor"... sometimes a size queen's gotta do what a size queen's gotta do. (N.B. "semi-"official --- may be dropped w/ V2.0)

h - "the BEHR factor"... for behrs (men without beards but bears). You might also put a parenthesized number for the "B" designation to give an idea of WHAT the person would look like with a beard.

r - "the RUGGED/OUTDOOR factor".

p - "the PECULIAR factor"

q - "the *Q* factor (ahem)"

ADDITIONAL PUNCTUATION The following aren't graded, they are just flags attached to the overall classification:

You can make the punctuation as detailed as desired, although the best ones to read are the ones which are the most clear and simple to understand.

NOTE: None of the classification materials in any way suggests a ranking or value judgement, in terms of what constitutes a "better" bear. Every person has their own favorite type!

----------------- S O M E S P E C I F I C E X A M P L E S ----------------

The authors:

A sampling of our joint classifications of other mailing list folks...

Notables from Bobby...

Notables from Jeff...

So let's hear some feedback on this! It's been a little quiet around here lately. While we wait for more to come along, here's an appropriate classification for the season:

Enjoy!!! From half of the states required to make the "Four Corners" exist...


Added note: We're still working on this... Some bears have asked that we extend the system to include "beard parameters like thickness, length, kemptnmess, etc...., so inevitably "VERSION 2" will be done... I have run across a bear or two that for me defied "good classification", mostly because of the beard. So... we'll see.

Have fun! BBC