excerpts from "The Dumpty Dictionary, Version 2.0" in PC Magazine, Oct 28, 1986 Alpha Test Version: too buggy to be released to the paying public Beta Test Version: still too buggy to be released Release Version: alternate pronunciation of "beta test version" Upgraded: didn't work the first time Upgraded and improved: didn't work the second time Fast (6 MHz): nowhere near fast enough Superfast (8 MHz): not fast enough Blindingly fast (10 MHz): almost fast enough Astoundingly fast (12 MHz): fast enough to work only intermittently Encryption: a powerful algorithmic encoding technique employed in the creation of computer manuals FCC-certified: guaranteed not to interfere with radio or television reception until you add the cable required to make it work Electronic mail: a communications system with bult-in delays and errors designed to emulate those of the US Postal Service C-py pr-t-ct--n: an obscenity unfit to print and fast disappearing from common parlance Laser Printer: a xerographic copying machine with additional malfunctioning parts [at CMU, known as Dovers --ralf] RISC: the gamble that a computer directly compatible with nothing else on the planet may actually have decent software written for it someday. CD-ROM: an optical device with storage sufficient to hold the billions of predictions claiming it will revolutionize the information industry ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Excerpts from "The Dumpty Dictionary, Version 3.0" in PC Magazine, November 24, 1987 Gigabyte: A quantity of memory so vast that if offered on a hard disk, no user could possibly fill it in less than a week. Terabyte: A quantity of memory so vast that the only humans who can fathom it are programmers writing software that will end up requiring more. Error Correction: Version 1.1. Supertwist: A laptop computer display readable on an airplane only by performing its namesake maneuver in order to catch the seat light's feeble rays. Backlit: A laptop computer display readable on a airplane for only 10 minutes after the 3-hour wait in the terminal drains both you and the battery. Gas-plasma: a laptop computer screen readable on a airplane only in the rest room, provided the shaver outlet works. Network: What next year is always "the year of" and will be until at least the turn of the century. Connectivity: FantasyLAN. Installation: a day's entertainment; from the verb "to stall". Standard: just like something else, almost. Look and feel: the legal theory that Lotus Development Corp. invented the spreadsheet, the video display, the keyboard, algebra, and the Arabic number system. Utility: a genuinely useful program whose functions should have been included free in the far-more-expensive program it is meant to supplement. Solution: a bundled package of stuff you can get for thousands of dollars less as separate items. Mail-order: a means of distribution whose low prices are often offset by prompt, courteous, competent service. Toll-free support line: an 800 number that's always busy. Priority support line: a special 800 number whose answering machine promises to return your annual fee the moment the firm emerges from Chapter 11. NIH: Not Invented Here; IBM term for high-quality software. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Article 4927 of rec.humor: From: cgwong@orchid.UUCP Subject: Computer Terminology Date: 24 Jul 87 02:28:39 GMT For those new to computing, here is a list of the more commonly misunderstood terminology. ACCESS TIME--The time between the instant at which information is called for and the instant at which management expects the final report. ASSUMED DECIMAL POINT--Located two positions to the right of a programmer's current salary, estimating his own worth. BLOCK DIAGRAM--Schematic gibberish. BIT--The increment by which programmers slowly go mad. BRANCH INSTRUCTION--Advice from a district office. CHAINING--A method of attaching programmers to desks to speed up output. CHECKPOINT--The location from a programmer draws his salary. COMMMON LANGUAGE--The first thing a programmer must forget to be successful. COMPLEMENT--An antique, outdated form of speech once used to express appreciation. CONSTANT--A type of pressure. CONSTANT AREA--The stomach. CORE STORAGE--A receptacle for the center section of apples. COUNTER--A device over which Old Fashions are served. DEBUGGING--Removing the needles from the haystack. DIGIT EMMITTER--Sandals. ERROR--What someone else made when they disagreed with your computer output. EXTERNAL STORAGE--Wastebasket. FIXED LENGTH WORK--Four letter words used by programmers in a state of confusion. FLOATING CONTROL--A characteristic exhibited when you have to go to the rest room but can't leave the computer. FLOATING POINT--The absolute limit before Floating Control is lost. FLOW CHART--A graphic representation of the fastest route to the coffee machine. FORTRAN--Fortunately Our Readers Take Refreshers At Nightschool. GARBAGE--Highly aromatic computer output. HIGH SPEED PRINTER--Wife writing checks. HOUSEKEEPING--Letting the next person clean up your mess in the computer room. INDEX REGISTER--Constant source of irritation. INPUT--Food, whiskey, beer, excedrin. INTERNAL SORT--The stomach, liver and kidneys keep changing positions. KEY PUNCH OPERATOR--The best informed source of information regarding the weaknesses of the system, new large scale computers, and night clubs to hang out at. LIBRARY--An organized collection of obsolete material. LOGICAL OPERATION--Getting out of Data Processing to marry a rich widow. LOW ORDER POSITION--The programmers position in the chain of command. MACRO--The last half of an expression: for example "Holy Macro". MATHEMATICAL MODEL--46-26-38. MATHEMATICAL CHECK--The renumeration received by a mathematical model. MEMORY DUMP--Amnesia. MICROSECOND--The amount of time required for a program to hang up. NUMERIC--46-26-38. OFF LINE--Failure to pass a sobriety test. ON LINE--Full, but not drunk. OVERFLOW--The result of being too much "Off Line". PARAMETER--The absolute limit beyond which the secretary yells for help. PROGRAMMER--Red eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate monsters. OPTICAL SCANNER--Male visitor in the keypunch section. SPECIAL CHARACTER--A character which is out of the ordinary, different, a resident of Greenwich Village. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Article 5147 of rec.humor: From: dave@clsib21.UUCP (David P. Hansen) Subject: Computerese Definitions Summary: May the fleas of a thousand Arabian camels infest the armpits of all Keywords: real-life definitions Date: 4 Aug 87 17:27:57 GMT Apple n. A popular computer (made by Apple Computer Inc., Cupertino, Calif.) with a refreshing nonnumeric, nonacronymic apple- ation. I gave my love an Apple, that had no core; I gave my love a building, that had no floor; I wrote my love a program, that had no end; I gave my love an upgrade. with no cryin'. How can there be an Apple, that has no core? How can there be a building, that has no floor? How can there be a program, that has no end? How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'? An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core! A building that's perfect, it has no flaw! A program with GOTOs, it has no end! I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'! base address n. Low-rent accommadation of the kind frequented by operators, application programmers, and other no-collar workers. Even cheaper accommadation is possible - a relative address - if you have an aunt or an uncle living in the area. bubble memory n. A storage device developed by South Sea Memory Products Inc. The chief advantage of bubbles over floppies is that they can- not be folded by the mailman. Whether bubbles will ever replace the hard disk (which is also beyond the bending power of most postal workers) depends on the relative strength of the semiconductor and metallurgical lobbies. bundled adj. [From the verb bundle "to throw togther in haphazard fashion."] Of or relating to an arbitrary collection of software items offered as seen, without charge or warranty, to certain prospects in a competitive environment. Of interest to sociolinguists is the fact that the dp usage of bundled was triggered by the prior introduction of the antonym "unbundled" by IBM the previous day. See Unbundling. crash n. & v. 1. n. Software. An audible warning that it's DOWNTIME again. In excessively unstable environments the warnings combine to give the illusion of a continuous tone, e.g. middle C Exec 8, an above middle C for os/360, and so on, but cases have been re- ported in which the human audio range has been exceeded. Some AOS/VS sites have a specially trained watchdog to alert the operator. 2. n. Hardware. The distinctive sound made by drums and disks when the heads drop. Head crashes serve to resolve fundamental problems in maintaining dynamic equilibrium while the head is aquaplaning over the ill-defined magnetic oxide impurities which sometimes accummulate on the drum or disk surface. These rust-like layers are not intrinsically harmful - indeed, some claim that they actually protect the costly metal below - but they can acquire spurious, palimpsestuous (had to look that one up) images, known variously as tracks, sectors, preambles, records, etc. If the normal head-burnishing action fails to correct these aberrations, a head crash is initiated, signaled by a triumphant rasp. Well designed disk sub-systems will demagnetize the surface, before removing the fetid strata. Many variants are available: read after crash, crash before write, crash after crash, etc. endless loop n. see LOOP, ENDLESS In YOUR PROGRAM an endless loop is an elementary blunder, whereas in MY PROGRAM it is a DYNAMIC HALT. GIGO n. Acronym for Gospel In, Garbage Out. hardware n. The easy part of the system. Compare FIRMWARE, MIDDLEWARE, SOFTWARE. IBM n. [Internation Business Machines Corp.] Also called Itty Bitty Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General. man-hour n. A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings. my-program n. A gem of algoristic precision, offering the most sublime balance between compact, efficient coding on the one hand and fully commented legibility for posterity on the other. Compare YOUR PROGRAM. From: Doug Schiffer To: All Msg #75, 25-Aug-87 10:24am Subject: Bluespeak I'm growing tired of IBM's relentless efforts to foist thier terminology on the computer industry. Terms like "all points addressable" vs. "graphics mode". Or "pel" for the standard "pixel". Therefore, since IBM has seen fit to arbitrarily change the names of things, I have decided to get in the game. Hence forth, in all future correspondance, I will adopt the following (confusing) terms: Old term New term ------------------------ -------------------------- floppy disk floppette streaming tape tapette CRT/monitor All lines viewable display microprocessor magic maker modem remote data transactor hard disk (er. excuse me.. fixed disk) spinning disk printer paper spanker Now I have to do is set myself up as a computer manufacturer and use the above terms so I can charge approximately double for my "unique" and "advanced" data equipment. --- * Origin: Backstreet BBS, Fulton, NY * (315)-593-1589 (Opus 1:260/325) From: Chris Ahlstrom To: Doug Schiffer Msg #158, 28-Aug-87 10:33pm Subject: Re: Bluespeak Doesn't IBM now stand for "I Built a Macintosh"? Yeah, I think the "word" "pel" stinks on ice. Anyway, IBM is also the company that promulgated the phrase "IBM compatible". Why not "IBM isomorphic" or "IBM pseudo isomorphic" or "IBM operational subset"? --- TBBS v2.0 * Origin: Augusta Forum *Multiline* Home of SPORT NET - N.Augusta,SC (360/1) YACK Yet Another Complicated Komment by Steven K. Hoskin ( STEVE HOSKIN at 1:128/11 ) Episode 3: The Programmer's Dictionary The orginal version of this that I ever saw was in a photocopied article from a magazine of some kind. I therefore have no clue as to whom I should be giving credit for the initial conception of this collection of fundies, but over the years my friends and I have added to this, and this is one of the later versions of... The Programmer's Dictionary --------------------------- Algorithm - New type of musical beat, known best for being hard to dance to. Analyst - The person who always has an answer. See also, Son/Daughter. Argument - Unpleasant encounter with the instructor after mid- terms. Array - That which comes out of Buck Roger's gun. Assumed Decimal Point - Located two postions to the right of a programmer's current salary in estimating his own worth. BASIC - 1. Adjective used to describe programs to give to rookies. 2. Programming language once erroneously thought to be user-friendly. Backup - Action taken by a programmer when an accident is about to happen in front of his/her car. Batch - A small complaint. Binary - A program missing two program statements. Bit - The increment by which programmers slowly go mad. Board - Most common mental state of most programmers. Bucket - An item on a table that catches spare data. Bug - A small German car that runs rampid in your program. FidoNews 5-11 Page 16 14 Mar 1988 Bus - As in Greyhound or PDP, upon which all data commute to work. Byte - 1. What computer science students do to their pencils. 2. An action that programmers teach their dogs to do to operators. C - A lie commonly told by novice programmers; "I see..." COBOL - Fraternity/Sorority mix party. CRT - An adjective that describes the way programmers talk to operators, i.e., "Why are you so curt to me?" Cable - Pay television for programmers and printers. Card Punch - Machine known in this day and age for making good note cards to write memos on. Card Reader - Woman who tells fortunes. Chaining - A method of attaching programmers to desks to speed up output. Checkpoint - The location from which a programmer draws his salary. Close - Description of the constant state of operator's minds. Comments - See Fixed Word Length. Common Language - The first thing a programmer must forget in order to be successful. Comp Sci Instructor - See also, God. Compiler - Program that continuously finds fault with your work. See also, Wife/Husband. Complex - Adjective used to describe problems to be avoided. Computer - Scientific Phenomenon; it is probably the only thing in this world that can understand a programmer. Computer Bank - Where your computer stores the money it embezzles when your accounting program has a "bug" in it. Concantonation - Catholic ritual performed once a year to bless programmers. Copyright - 1. A hacker's self-invested authority to duplicate any software package on the market. 2. Knowledge that such duplication has been performed properly Core Storage - A receptacle for the center section of apples. FidoNews 5-11 Page 17 14 Mar 1988 Counter - A device over which martinis are served. Cursor - Someone who Batches a lot. DATA DIVISION - Keypunch section. DIVISION - Partitions between offices. Data Base - Phrase commonly heard by the first base coach of a softball team made up entirely of programmers. Debugging Aids - 1. Insecticides. 2. Computer Science instructors. Decision Gate - What programmers use to choose which computer language they will use. Device Driver - Licensed vehicle operator. Digitizer - Machine that reduces physical objects to computer memory, just like in the movie TRON. Directory - Listing showing where everyone works. See also, Dump List. Disk - Toy used by programmers with nothing better to do. See also, Board, Frisbee. Disk Management - Sensible care of one's back. Disk Pack - The result of lifting too much weight over your head. Dummy Arguments - Discussions between operators. Dump - Slang term for the computer building (i.e., Why do I spend so much time in this Dump?) Dump List - List of office branches in the computer building. ENVIRONMENT DIVISION - The people that scan your office for fire hazards and unhealthy deposits of smoke. Error - What someone else has made when he disagrees with your computer output. Execution - Punishment for programmers who do not follow the Standards Manual. See also, Network. External Storage - Wastebasket. FORTRAN - Model train set up on the floor, usually HO scale. Fixed Word Length - Four-letter words used by programmers in a state of confusion. Flippy Disk - Side two of an LP record. FidoNews 5-11 Page 18 14 Mar 1988 Floating Control - A characteristic exhibited when you have to go to the restroom but can't leave the computer. Floating Point - The absolute limit before floating control is lost. Floppy Disk - The result of driving a Floppy Drive. Floppy Drive - A car with a flat tire. Flow Chart - A graphic representation of the fastest route to the restroom. Format - What you wipe your feet on before entering the computer building. Free - Obsolete expression. Function - What a program never does on the first run, seldom does on subsequent runs, and when it finally does, is a good indication that the program is obsolete. Function Key - Tool required to make a program work. Commonly hidden in Bugs. GOSUB - Polite way for programmers to tell operators where to go. See also, Go To. Gigabyte - The little laugh that comes out of an operator's mouth when he/she bites his/her tongue. Global Variable - Internationally known Variable, such as Anita Bryant. See also, Variable. Go To - Often used in conjunction with Biblical locations. See also, fixed word length. Hacker - Someone who coughs a lot. Hard Disk - The result of much muscle-building work on one's back. Hard Drive - A car with solid rubber wheels. Hardware - Something that, if you play with it long enough, it breaks. See also, Software. Head Crash - Last step before a computer Go To, usually executed by a programmer crashing his head against the nearest wall. Head Thrashing - What programmers do when upset at operators. See also, Head Crash. Hexadecimal - High resolution trick, using a six-sided dot for a decimal point. FidoNews 5-11 Page 19 14 Mar 1988 Hierarchy - Chain of command. High Memory - State of mind a programmer is in when his/her program finally works properly. See also, Function. High Order Language - See Fixed Word Length. IC - Lie commonly uttered by Computer Science students. IDENTIFICATION DIVISION - The security guards for your company's parking lot. Infinite Loop - See Loop. Initialize - First visual input devices appearing on infant programs. Input - Food, whiskey, beer, aspirin, etc. Interrupt - Usually the result of a Keypunch. See also, Head Crash. Jump - 1. Dangerous move commonly made by programmers to get to conclusions easier. 2. Something programmers do when a program works. See also, High Memory Jumper - 1. Programmer with a working program. 2. Suit worn by female programmers. Keyboard - A random series of keystrokes, usually either "asdf" or "l;kj", used when programmers are bored. Keypunch - Error solving technique used by many programmers, consisting of applying his fist to the teletype terminal. Laser Printer - Machine dedicated to producing blueprints for new and better Lasers. Last Pointer - Used by the Computer Science Instructor as deterence. See also, Next Pointer. Light Pen - A pen commonly used by programmers because it is easier to use, due to its reduced weight. Line Printer - Machine that prints lines on blank paper. Also known as Paper Shredder. Local Variable - Closet Variable. See also, Variable. Logical Operator - Extinct Species. Logo - The way a survivalist programmer goes past a window when someone is shooting at him through it. Logorithm - Old kind of musical beat, best known for its lack of motion. FidoNews 5-11 Page 20 14 Mar 1988 Loop - See Infinite Loop. Low Memory - 1. The characteristic a calculator exhibits when the battery is out of energy. 2. Adjectival phrase describing most programmer's ability to remember. Machine Language - Grunts, groans, squeaks, shudders, etc. Macro - The last half of an expression of surprise; "Holy Macrol". Mag Tape - New scientific metallic adhesive strip that can be applied to the hubcaps of your car to make them look "cool". Mainframe - The portion of a film used to focus the projector. Mass Bus - A very large bus, sometimes a GMC motor coach. See also, Bus. Memory Dump - Amnesia. Memory Extension Board - Review of a programmer's ability to remember. Mouse - Small creature that leaves tracks on a screen. Network - Punishment for programmers who do not write efficient code, where they are sent out to tie terminals together as hard labor. Next Pointer - The pointer designated by the Comp Sci instructor to be used when the Current Pointer breaks. See also, Pointer, Pointer Stack. Open - Description of the constant state of operator's mouths. Operator - The person who always rips your program in half when removing it from the line printer. See also, Inefficient. Output - See Floating Control. Overflow - That condition resulting from exceeding the Floating Point. Owner - The person who tells you when you can and cannot use the computer. PASCAL - Frantic shout by quarterback when throwing the football to an unaware reciever. PINBOL - Most widely used language. Terminals often found in pool halls. PROCEDURE DIVISION - The office that tries to tell you how to do your job. See also, Wife, Husband. FidoNews 5-11 Page 21 14 Mar 1988 Pointer - Used by computer science instructors to encourage students to behave. Pointer Stack - Arsenal. See also, Pointer. Post Mortem Dump - Place for dead programmers. See also, Dump. Programmer - Red-eyed mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects. RAM - 1. A mountain animal. 2. Usual speed at which a headcrash is performed. RETURN - 1. What some programmers never do when they "lose" it. 2. What some programs never do when they "Go West". RPG II - Artoo's little cousin. Run - Ritual feared greatly by programmers. Runaway Subscript - Delinquint member of your program's family. SNOBOL - What programmers throw at operators in the winter time. Scope - 1. Thing programmers do to a new dump (See Dump). 2. Mouthwash for operators. Screen - Used in futile by programmers to try and keep bugs out of their programs. Significant Digit - Middle finger of either hand, commonly used by programmers while talking to operators. Sin - Not attending Concantonation services. Software - Something where, if you play with it long enough, it works. See also, Hardware. Software Piracy - The act of stealing a programmer's bed. Squash Routine - Pre-planned execution of agile moves in an old British game. Stack - Favourite part on a female computer for male programmers. Standards Book - Instructions for driving stick-shift cars. String - Used to tie data together. Structured Programming - Contradiction of terms. TROFF - What pigs eat out of. TRON - What your mother or wife says when she's found a new suit for you, "Here's something I want you to TRON." FidoNews 5-11 Page 22 14 Mar 1988 TURBO PASCAL - New and powerful car, requiring a special diskette in order to legally drive it. Commonly seen breaking speed limits when traversing Mass Buses. Tape - Sometimes used to chain programmers. Tape Drive - Best known for its ability to have lunch in the middle of reading the only copy of a source tape. Terminal - Status of most programmers, especially after the user sees the programs he/she has written. Text Editor - Employee of a local newspaper. Top-Down Structure - Impressive accidental coincidence when found. See also, Structured Programming. Trapezoidal Rule - Country ruled completely by trapezoids. Underflow - Symptom of an impotent programmer. User - The person who never seems to be able to tell you what he/she wants from the computer. User-Friendly - Synonym for anti-programmer. Variable - Bi-sexual programmer. Vector - The first name of the lowest part of your operating system's memory. Voice Synthesizer - Device used by programmers to communicate with human beings. WATFOR - Statement frequently uttered by computer science students. WRITE Statement - Opposite of Wrong Statement. Word Processor - Machine that makes food out of old computer listings. =