The Boot

(a short story in the 1st person singular)

by Mark Ollis

Background: Murph's car got booted today in the CMU lot for repeated parking violations.

After some discussion, Murph and I decide that as graduate students with access to the FRC lab, we should have both the intelligence and the resources to remove the boot ourselves without too much trouble.

The boot has a very thick padlock, and also a heavily spring-loaded clamp; after some evaluation, we decide that we should be able to open the boot purely by prying the clamp open and ignoring the lock.

11:25- I drive in to meet Murph to discuss the situation. On the way in, I pass two police cars coming up from the Wean hall entrance where Murph's car is booted. I find this vaguely disturbing, but decide that they are not likely to come back.

My basis for this conclusion currently escapes me.

11:40- We walk out to the car with a large C-clamp and a few blocks of wood. There is a continual stream of pedestrians parading up and down in front of Wean hall, preventing any attempt at removing the boot.

We sit in the booted car trying to look nonchalant; it's not clear what the pedestrians think of two people sitting in a booted car, but they are evidently polite enough not to laugh at us openly.

11:55- The pedestrian and car traffic thickens. We have learned our first lesson of the night; evidently, night-time shifts end at 12:00pm, and traffic then is almost as thick as during the day. We consider a plan to come back at 3:30 AM and promptly reject it for no discernable reason.

12:10- We have a few minutes of quiet, enough for Murph to put the C-clamp on the boot and give it a few turns. I am lookout; from time to time, I kick Murph when pedestrians or cars appear, and he tries to appear as natural as anyone can who is holding a two foot long C-clamp and kneeling next to a booted car in the middle of the night.

12:30- Murph have spread the boot apart almost as far as it will go, and it still won't come off. However, it is clear he has made substantial progress, and we are optimistic. I warn Murph about another car.

12:32- As the car comes around the turn, we see that it is in fact a police car. The car drives past us slowly, then backs up; the policeman rolls down his window. He asks what we are doing; we tell him that we are just waiting for friends to pick us up.

He looks at the boot, which is now hanging from the wheel at a somewhat unnatural angle.

He looks down at Murph. "That doesn't look like the way they boot a car."

Murph and I have no opinion on this.

"It looks like you guys are trying to take the boot off. You don't have any tools under there, do you?"

The situation is deteriorating. I blurt out, "We'd need something pretty serious to get this lock off", and kick at the padlock.

This is evidently not the answer he was hoping for. He (policeman #1) gets out of his car with his partner (policeman #2), looks under the car, and finds the C-clamp.

Policemen #1 and #2 lecture us for a while. They say things like, "well, if you were undergraduates, we would just report this as an internal disciplinary action, but as grad students, you could go to jail..." and then they laugh.

Murph and I consider this humor to be in bad taste, but we laugh politely anyway.

Policeman #1 asks us what we were planning to do with the boot after we got it off.

Murph and I look at each other, and we realize that we don't have the slightest idea what we were going to do with it. We look at the police- men hopefully.

It begins to dawn on us that perhaps we should abandon crime as a career choice and stick with something more in line with our particular talents, such as professional wrestler or crazed religious fanatic.

Policeman #2 says "you were going to ditch it, weren't you? Or were you just going to give it bring it back to the parking office?"

Murph and I consult, and decide to go for the second option.

After further discussion, we find that the policemen are actually quite reasonable, although they still decide to write us up with an "Internal Discipline Citation".

I read mine; it says "Charge: Criminal Mischief", which sounds unpleasantly serious to me until I read the full description, which reads (verbatim) "Actor was part of a conspiracy to remove boot from a vehicle". I try to keep a straight face.

Murph's is also "Criminal Mischief", and reads: "Actor was attempting to remove boot from vehicle's front wheel".

We evidently will have to pay a fine; as near as I can tell, this violation is on the same level as a parking ticket. I ask the policeman how much; he thinks and says. "well, for first time theft, it's usually $25.00, but they'll tell you in the Student Affairs office".

Although the crimes of theft and boot-removal conspiracy are of course difficult to compare directly, I am nonetheless reassured.

12:42- We have become good friends with the policemen. They offer us a ride to the police station on campus. Murph goes so he can pay his parking tickets and get the boot taken off his car. I go because I have never ridden in a police car before.

Murph has eight parking tickets, plus a $35 fine for the boot; all told, he owes $280.00. The policeman tells him he was lucky that he didn't get booted before, and we learn another useful item; CMU usually boots people on the 5th ticket.

At the police station, we hear incoming calls to the dispatcher about problems at the Carnival; an undergrad is drunk and acting disorderly, and one of the other policemen is going to drive him home.

12:57- The policemen get the key to the boot, and come back with us to Murph's car. On the way, we debate whether Murph's parking record is now clear, and he can safely get another 4 parking tickets before being booted; policman #2 thinks this is a prudent plan, while policeman #1 is less sure.

Over the police radio, we hear a report from the policeman who was dropping off the drunk student; he has delivered the student home, and is now "airing out his car".

1:15- The policemen unlock the boot, but it still won't quite come off. After fifteen minutes of trying to remove the boot, Murph suggests that the C-clamp might help after all. The policemen agree; the four of us are now engaged in precisely the same task, using precisely the same tools, as Murph and I were using an hour earlier.

1:25- Finally, the boot comes off.

Disclaimer: the characters described in the preceding narrative are purely fictitious and bear no resemblance to any real people, living or dead. Any claims to the contrary will be hotly denied.


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Last modified: Tue Feb 13 11:52:33 1996