TERMS OF THE 1996 WAGER
For a wager of this magnitude, the penalties must encompass the full
spectrum of possibilities, including personal humiliation, financial
ruin, destruction of--well, you get the idea.
Financial Terms:
For all T and B, if T beats B by N points, then B pays T $N.
Fashion Statement:
For all T and M, if T beats M by at least 7 points, then T can require
M to construct and/or obtain an appropriate momento of T's choosing,
said momento to be displayed in a prominent location in M's office for
a period of at least one football year. Alternatively, at M's
choosing, T can force M to purchase and wear an article of clothing at
a public lecture of T's choosing, said article of clothing being
awarded to T after the lecture.
Exception to the Fashion Statement:
If both T and B beat M by at least 7 points and T beats B, then only T
shall have the right to so humiliate M.
Blowout Clause:
If both T and B beat M by at least 10 points, then both T and B shall
have the right to humiliate M, the terms of the Exception to the
Fashion Statement notwithstanding.
OFFICIAL SCORE CARD
1. Touchdowns will be called back.
T gives one point for each event.
F one point if no touchdown called back.
2. Players will be ejected.
T gives one point for each.
F gives 1 point if none.
3. CowPies will be heavily penalized (and its about time).
T gives one point for every 3 penalties over 3.
F gives one point for 5 or under.
4. CowPies will miss a Field Goal.
T gives one point for each.
F gives one point for none.
5. The 2-point conversion comes into play.
T gives half the number of points scored by 2PC.
F gives one point if no 2PC succeeds.
6. CowPies fail to convert 4th down
T gives one point each time
F gives one point if no failures
7. Steelers score often.
T gives one point for every other score after the first 6.
F gives one point for every score short of 6.
8. There will be a big comeback
T gives 1/6 of the largest deficit overcome by the winner.
F gives one point if largest deficit by winner is < 6.
9. There will be many lead changes.
T gives 1 point for every lead change after first 4.
F gives one point if fewer that 5 lead changes.
10. First to score wins the game.
T gives one point.
F gives one point.
11. Aikman misses a normal offensive play (not a punt or
field-goal/PAT formation).
T gives one point for each missed play.
F gives one point.
12. Emmit Smith misses an entire quarter.
T gives 3 points.
F gives one point.
13. Bill Cowher's sickeningly wholesome family shown
in at least 3 distinct television shots (i.e., must be
intervening footage between each sighting of family).
T gives 1 point for each shot above 2.
F gives 1 point.
14. A trick play or a kick return scores a touchdown. Trick
play definition: involves a pass (forward or lateral)
by any player that did not take the snap from center;
any reverse; the flea-flicker; the Statue of Liberty.
T gives 1 point for each such scoring play.
F gives 1 point.
15. In any single quarter, the defenses outscore the offenses
for that quarter. Thus, we add the total number of points
scored by both defenses in the quarter and compare it
to the total number of points scored by both offenses in
that quarter.
T gives max_{i in 1,2,3,4}[max(0,defense total in quarter i -
offense total in quarter i)].
F gives 1 point.
16. A play of the game causes any one of the announcers to remark
on the discontinuation of instant replay in the NFL.
T gives 1 point.
F gives one point.
17. During an entire quarter of the game, every play from scrimmage
takes place between the two 20-yard lines (thus, a 30-yard
field goal or a 21-yard touchdown run satisfy the condition; it
is only violated if the line of scrimmage lies at the X-yard line
for X < 20 on some play in the quarter).
T gives 2 points.
F gives 1 point.
18. Emmit Smith's rushing total for the game is a prime number.
T gives 3 points.
F gives 1 point.
19. Any official, including chain gang, is knocked down by a player
during the game.
T gives 1 point.
F gives 1 point.
20. The Steelers exceed 350 yards of total offense and Dallas has
less than 250 yards of total offense.
T gives 1 point.
F gives 1 point.
21. Emmit Smith scores more than 2 touchdowns.
T gives one point for each touchdown above 2
F gives one point for 0, 1, or 2 touchdowns
22. Leon Lett fumbles.
T gives 5 points for a fumble
F gives 1 point
23. Dallas defense forces more than 2 turnovers (all plays)
T gives one point for each Pittsburgh turnover above 2
F gives one point for 0, 1, or 2 turnovers
24. Dallas does not punt
T gives 5 points
F gives 1 point
25. Charles Haley records a solo sack.
T gives 2 point
F gives 1 point
26. Deion Sanders takes possession of the football on a defensive
play (not including special teams plays).
T gives 3 points
F gives 1 point
27. All Cowboys touchdowns scored by players drafted by Cowboys.
T gives 1 point
F gives 1 point
28. Troy Aikman named Superbowl XXX MVP
T gives 3 points
F gives 1 point
29. Cooler of gatorade (or any water-based liquid) is dumped
on Barry Switzer with more than 1 minute remaining on
the game clock.
T gives 2 points
F gives 1 point
30. The game ends on a kneel-down by the Cowboys inside
the Steeler 30 yard line.
T gives 3 points (entire ball inside 30 yard line)
F gives 1 point
HOGMAN'S ERRATUM:
PS: in clarifying binary events 1-10, a touchdown with extra point
counts as two scores. If the score following such an event were 7-6,
then there would have been 3 lead changes in total for the game.